When you meet a guy you’re intensely attracted to, your common sense and boundaries go out the window. You’re not alone. Listen to this Love U Podcast to hear my own tale of verbal abuse and learn one simple trick to breaking the spell of the hot guy.
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You ever have a relationship which in retrospect was toxic, but when you were in it, it was hard to see clearly? The sex was great. Sometimes he was so sweet. When it was good, it was good. And when it was bad, it was the worst. Today, I’m going to share with you exactly what you can do to avoid men like this in the future and spare yourself the pain of these emotional roller coasters in exchange for the smooth ride of a happy relationship.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Women, and your personal trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Stick around to the end to discover one vital trick to making sure you don’t waste your time in dead-end relationships with attractive men. And when we’re done, I’ll let you know how you could apply to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
I was twenty-seven. She was 31. We met on Match.com. Too many guys wrote to her. So she had no photo up and she initiated contact with me. A miracle of all miracles. When she sent a picture, it was clear that she was out of my league. She was a 10 and I was not. We ended up speaking for a week on the phone. This is back in 2000. Our first date, I remember it vividly. I remember the restaurant we went to. I remember where we went dancing afterward in Downtown L.A. I remember crying at dinner because my father had recently died. I remember talking about that, which is an unusual first date, certainly. And me going salsa dancing is certainly a sight to see. But it was a really fun, deep, intimate time. We went back to my place. Later that night, we didn’t have sex but, had some fun.
The next morning she woke up and told me that she didn’t want to get serious. She was in a relationship for most of her 20s and she was just happy to be free. And she was seeing like five other guys on Match.com. And I told her I didn’t care. My stance is like OK, but I am intoxicated by you. I want you to be my girlfriend. This is one date and I’m 27. I want you to be my girlfriend, but I’m not going to pressure you. I’m not going to shame you for doing that. Tell you what, you go out with those other men on Match.com and every time you go out with another guy if you discover that when you’re with him, you have more fun with me. That should be the last time you go out with him. Does that sound like a plan? Why would you go out with another guy if you go out with me? So when you’re done with those guys, you discover you have more fun with me. That’s when I’ll be your boyfriend. Very cocky.
Sure enough, it took about two weeks and suddenly she was my girlfriend and I was intoxicated by her beauty. And I was dazzled. I’m sort of starved at that time for love and attention. I was really struggling with my career and the death of my father, as I mentioned, in my late 20s. And so I was dazzled by her capacity to be a sweet girlfriend. She would make me mixed CDs with homemade cover art and write long, thoughtful emails. But on the other side of things, there was something darker. She had a distant father, deep insecurities about her own intellect, hair-trigger temper. Whenever we would have a disagreement and we couldn’t solve it, I would try to step back and say, hey, let’s just agree to disagree. I’m never going to come to terms with everything. She would mock me for saying, let’s agree to disagree. It was always a drag-out fight to prove who was right and who was stronger.
I just remember feeling on edge the entire time we were dating. She was cutting me down, making me feel bad about myself in between building me up. If you’ve had a relationship with a man like that, you know what I’m talking about. She would blow up at me in public places. Once we were out to dinner in Hollywood and she told me over dinner, that she was out of my league based on our looks, which I just thought was the rudest thing that one could ever say to a boyfriend. And I got really upset and she left me at dinner. I had to pay the check and chase her down the street while she was crying after she insulted me. She left me at a wedding after about an hour and I had a run back to the hotel room and console her and miss the entire reception. She once left me at a holiday party with my friends. It was like a Jewish holiday, a potluck dinner type thing. It was a disagreement. I can’t even recall. But I remember her leaving in the middle of that.
this relationship was a roller coaster, the exact opposite of healthy.
But I’m saying this, it’s not to say that I was right in every situation because clearly that would be impossible. And it’s not to say that I couldn’t have handled certain instances better in retrospect with 20 years of maturity. This is to say that this relationship was a roller coaster, the exact opposite of healthy. But at that time in my life, I thought this was love. Every time she would do something over the top, I would try to repair things instead of coming to terms with the simple fact that this was way, way too much work.
And finally, I thought we were going to have a breakthrough. We were dating for about four months, and I decided to take my girlfriend to New York to meet my mom for her birthday. Within an hour of getting to my mom’s place in Long Island, my girlfriend got upset at something I said, again, don’t remember what it was almost positive it wasn’t a big deal, but you could just see the light drain out of her eyes and she shut down, stop conversing. And I said I’m going to go downstairs. So my mom talks to her. I dig my mom. And she asked her a question point-blank. Do you love him? Do you love him? Do you love my son? Yes, my girlfriend said. Then stop fighting with him. My mom said it’s not that I think my son is perfect at all. If anybody knows his flaws, it’s me. It’s that if you’re going to be part of a couple. You can’t get so angry at him all the time. If you can’t accept Evan the way he is, dump him. But if you’re going to stay with him, stop with the tantrums. My girlfriend was stunned. I think she is still stunned at that conversation.
My mom was giving me advice that I give to this day. Accept them or leave them. You can’t be with a guy and constantly tell him how much he sucks. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong for finding fault with him. You can’t be in a relationship that’s so abusive because you’re constantly on his case.
I take my girlfriend to New York for the first time. We immediately have a blow-up. We break up on the plane ride home, and we tried to stay friends. We slept together once after that. And then I received the meanest email I’d ever received before or since, a few months later, when we were still talking and trying to figure out how to stay friends. And I reread that email. I saved everything. I reread that email to help prepare myself for this podcast.
I’m sharing all the details of this story because, bar none, this was the most toxic relationship I ever had. And I could say with all certainty, and this is the important part, this is the punchline, that if this were an average looking woman instead of a smokin’ hot Southern California blond, this relationship wouldn’t have lasted more than a few weeks. I know how that makes me look and I’m saying it because it’s true and because it applies to you.
So let’s do what we do. Flip it around. Have you ever been in a relationship with a man with whom you felt wild chemistry? It doesn’t matter if he was what you call chemistry or whether he was a 10 and looks, a 10 in intelligence, whatever. But he was a 10 in chemistry, that overriding feeling, that magnetic attraction, someone where you felt like you won the dating lottery. And after winning the dating lottery and landing the guy, you discovered some things about him sort of offset the high highs. He was selfish. He was distant, he was a poor communicator, had addiction issues, chronically unemployed, unmotivated. He is a workaholic who didn’t make time for you. He was a terrible listener, toxic narcissist. And what did you do? You did the same thing I did. You stayed hoping he would change. You’d stay hoping you could hold on for dear life. You’d stay because you didn’t think you could do better. You stayed because you hadn’t experienced this feeling and you wanted to make sure it never went away. It was a drug high. You stayed because the thought of coming back to dating was dispiriting. You stayed because you went under the old belief that we tried to undo in Love U that says relationships take work and that this is somehow a normal part of what it’s like to be in a relationship.
No, it’s not. When you’re irrationally attracted to someone, it’s like a hall pass for that person to mistreat you. And then for you to continue to conduct yourself like an unpaid intern rather than the CEO of your own love life. And if you’ve ever felt like the unpaid intern in your relationship, it should make you wonder, what am I getting out of this relationship? I could say that I was with a 10. I could have some really amazing sex and some companionship. But in between all of that, I was constantly on edge, berated, walking on eggshells, apologizing, massaging. It was so much. I had the illusion of happiness. I’ve got a girlfriend. She’s impressive. But I wasn’t actually happy. I was weak.
So your takeaway from this story. And again, I’m doing the long version for a reason. That’s because I want you to see how this applies to you. Your takeaway is that you have to apply equal standards to everyone. Some basic guy online sends an aggressive text or a dick pic you block him. Some hot guy does the same thing, we’ll figure out some workaround to justify why you keep talking to him. Maybe the dick pic thing was a little much. Basically, we make a lot of allowances for attractive guys, don’t we?
So here’s the upshot. Ask yourself this, if an average guy did this or treated me this way, how would I react? Instead of making allowances and excuses for the guys you deemed to be in the top five percent of all men, as if cute guys are allowed to treat you like shit, but normal guys aren’t, how about you just adopt the standards that we teach in Love U and fire any intern whose behavior is patently unforgivable. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how smart or rich or hot a guy is or how good things are when they’re “good” a small percentage of the time. If literally half of your relationship is arguing and making up in tears and silent treatment, and anxiously waiting for the text that never comes. The only thing for you to do is get out of that relationship, start over, raise your standards, and do better. You deserve it.
I’m Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning into the Love U podcast.
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Thank you so much.
I’ll talk to you soon.