If you’ve ever vacillated between being “too picky” and spending time with men you don’t like, check out this Love U Podcast. In it, I tell the story of two clients who are learning to trust their judgment and cut off men quickly, and finish by telling you how I decided my wife was “the one.” You don’t want to miss this.
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You ever go out with a nice guy because you think you should? Do you ever find yourself on a date wondering why you were there? You ever hesitate to return a guy’s text because you were too ambivalent about him? But you reply to him anyway because you’re bored or lonely? You’re trying not to be picky? Stop.
My name is Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Women, and your personal trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Stay to the end of this video to learn while you’re giving the wrong guys a chance and how to get attuned to what it feels like when you’re with the right guy. And when we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can apply to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
Today I want to tell you a story.
I’m going to tell you three stories, in fact, as I’m thinking out loud. One client we’re going to call Connie. And, the other client, we’re going to call Annie and the other one is me.
So, Connie is in New York. She’s in Love U. She’s a private client. She is a Love U Masters client, the people who sign up for biweekly private coaching, I write their profiles, I pay for their photos, we read their text messages, we log into the dating site. It’s very, very personal. So I know a lot about Connie’s life and this past month, she’s had a guy who’s been doing everything right. He’s calm and he’s texting and he’s asking really good questions and he’s a great conversationalist. And they stay on the Zoom for five hours at a time. He tells good stories. They go on social distance dates. And he’s alluding to how much he likes her. He’s alluding to his excitement. He’s talking about what happens next. And really, that’s textbook. That’s what guys are supposed to do when they like you, they’re ramping up. But when we got down to it, Connie was not excited about this guy. And I always caution we don’t want to use excitement as the metric to choose a guy. Because as I’ll tell you later, excitement isn’t the reason that I chose my wife. But let’s find that middle ground between bored and excited.
You don’t need to be excited with the butterflies and the rainbows and writing his name in your notebook and picking out wedding dresses. But, you do have to want to see him again rather than doing what Connie did, which was to recoil as her words, to recoil at the thought of him kissing her or becoming her boyfriend. When he brings up these things about the future and intimacy, she pulls back from it. Well, that’s a sign. That’s something to pay attention to. This is a no-brainer of a decision that she was agonizing about, which is why she brought it to our call. This is not her future husband. You do not have to talk yourself into going out with a guy.
Next, there is Annie and she is another Love U Master’s client. She’s in her early 50s. She’s amazing and cool and fun. And she’s the COO of a company. And she’s been through Love U. She’s been with me for about five months. And she thought and again, this is why I like talking about this and I get my client’s permission with anonymity to tell these stories. She thought she was following my instructions and came on the phone excited to brag to me. Evan, guess what? I’m going out with a guy who didn’t go to college and makes fifteen dollars an hour. And I was like, OK, congratulations on that accomplishment. But you said to be open to guys. I’m open to guys. Look at me. I’m making $200,000 grand a year and I’m open to this guy who makes fifteen dollars an hour. Aren’t you proud of me? I’m not sure, Annie, that you understood what I was talking about. All right. Huh? Listen, you could tell me the rest of the story and the story is that he’s really nice and he’s really thoughtful. He’s really comfortable with himself. He’s a happy person. He’s communicative. And these are all great traits that one should have in a husband. But she’s going out with this guy anyway, despite the fact that this is misaligned. It’s misaligned from the beginning. And that’s without even being classist. In talking to this guy she learned he doesn’t want to work hard. He doesn’t want to go back to school. He’s perfectly content in the life that he has now. He even joked about her being a sugar momma for him. So this is a misinterpretation of a core Love U principle.
You need to have both respect and chemistry to get a relationship started.
You need to have both respect and chemistry to get a relationship started. People leave out things when they’re looking for partners. And so very often we leave out a guy who’s nice or commitment oriented or a good communicator. So we skip those things. We know we can’t do that anymore. But that doesn’t mean shooing the other stuff, too. You need to respect your guy. You need to have chemistry. The problem is that when we think the traits that we see at the beginning are sufficient for a long term relationship, they’re not. Having great chemistry doesn’t mean you’ll have a happy marriage. Him being a nice guy doesn’t mean you’ll have a happy marriage. You need to have a nice guy who you also have some measure of chemistry with. Otherwise, there’s no long term relationship. Nothing gets off the ground.
Annie thinks she’s rocking Love U, but she’s wasting her time and his time, in spite of all that we’ve gone through so far. And she’s beating herself up because, “Evan, I thought I was doing the homework. I thought I was following your directions. You told me not to be shallow.” She’s not shallow for passing up a guy who she’s fundamentally misaligned with. So to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with a guy who makes fifteen dollars an hour who doesn’t have greater career ambitions. He can make a perfectly good husband for lots of women, just not for this woman. From what I know of her and what she knows of herself. But because Annie doesn’t trust her judgment, she was still considering keeping him around. Consider if you’ve ever done something similar.
To take Annie’s story further she went online after this whole interaction and then reported back to me on one of our coaching calls that she went in the other direction. She went through a hundred guys at my behest on Match.com and she found a total of… Get this, zero worthy of an email. Zero men she kept on her favorites list. Hundred guys. So she went from open-minded, look, I’m dating a guy with no ambition and no money, to close-minded in a split second and didn’t even see how she whipsawed between those two things and how I’m just pushing her to the middle. I’m not asking her to give a chance to 100 men. Nor am I asking her to go out with a guy who’s in a very, very different place in life. There’s a whole middle ground that Annie is not exploring. You don’t need to be interested in most guys online. Most guys online are not going to be your type. That’s fine. You need to be like an Ivy League institution. I say that all the time in Love U coaching calls. You’re an Ivy League school. Ivy League school has high standards. You could say no to 90 percent of men, but you gotta admit 10 percent of the men. Otherwise, you’re not gonna have a freshman class. That makes sense. You gotta admit 10 percent of the men, you gotta go through one hundred guys. And if you find 10 decent, throw on your favorites list and keep them there for a rainy day. You can’t go through one hundred men and say, yeah, the world’s biggest dating site has a total of zero men that I’m interested in. If they wrote to me, if you can’t find 10 percent of men with a decent photo and a decent profile, I’m great. Just passable. If you can’t find 10 percent of men who are worth a second look, it’s on you. Not the dating site, not the men in your area. It’s on you because you’re doing exactly what you decry men of doing, going through the dating site and finding everybody who’s young and thin and hot, etc. And he’s not giving you a chance. I know it doesn’t always feel that way. But it is. I’m an objective third party. It’s very, very hard to discuss this in a way that doesn’t trigger people in some form or another. But it’s not hard to get onto a site and be like, all right, decent guy saving for a rainy day. Maybe we’ll do something with him. But if there are no candidates, there’s no dating. And if there’s no dating, there are no relationships. If there’s no relationship, there’s no love. We need to have a funnel. We need to have options.
And so I want to close this episode with a story because this is about giving the wrong guy a chance. I always speak from a place of empathy, sympathy, having walked a mile in your shoes, not as a woman, of course, but as a guy who really struggled to find the one and didn’t know what I was doing wrong for five years while I was coaching other people. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and why it was so hard for me. Just briefly, I get into this at greater length in Love U. I want to talk about how I ended up choosing my wife, not the entire arc of our relationship, but the feelings involved with it. It wasn’t you just know, it wasn’t giddy. There was no point while we were dating that I was like, Oh My God, she’s the one. That thing that you think you should have, that everybody thinks that they should have. I never had that moment. At the same time, going back to the story of Annie. I always have fun. I always wanted to see her again. It was always easy. I didn’t have to talk myself into hanging out with my girlfriend. But because I was accustomed to intense chemistry with people who were a lot like me and the rollercoaster and the friction that comes with that. This felt so different. It felt so peaceful. It was hard to come to terms with. This is what love, real love feels like. I was as comfortable with my wife as I was with my family. That was a thing that I didn’t consider. What a wonderful and unusual feeling that was. I wasn’t anxious at all. I literally proposed to my wife the day after going out to dinner with my mom and my sister in San Francisco, watching them interact and realizing she’s family. That’s the feeling.
So I want to tell you, my listeners, you may not know, right, like, you know, you have two arms. You may not know if someone is the right one right away or even ever. It’s a choice. It’s a choice that’s not based on chemistry. It’s based on a whole series of factors that I get into in Love U. But what I do want you to pay very close attention to is ignoring the feeling that someone is not the one and staying too long with a man you’re not attracted to, don’t trust, don’t feel comfortable with or don’t have fun with. What is the point of talking yourself into a relationship if you don’t have fun or comfort or attraction? Life is simply too short to be with a guy who you don’t want to be with.
My name is Evan Marc Katz.
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