4 Signs You’re Wasting Your Time On The Wrong Man

You’ve been in a relationship where you felt off-balance before. Your feelings for him were strong but the longer your relationship went, the more anxious you felt. Chances are, you fell into one of these 4 traps. Check out this Love U Podcast to learn what NOT to do the next time you fall for a new guy.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Tej

    Thanks for the insight on four signs of being with the wrong guy… It provides clarity for sure… I appreciate the work you do Evan, for motivating women and making them realize their worth and getting out of a relationship with the wrong man instead of wasting years on it.. Keep it up and stay safe.

  2. 2
    Persephone

    Good stuff, however not without my disagreement (or conundrum?) on one thing. Toward the end of the video, it is stated that we should dump him if he doesn’t commit within a period of time. I am seeing someone “S” who says he is not on the marriage track.

    My type is less common in the South. I am not moving. I haven’t found a man I like who says he is looking for a relationship. They want to talk or facetime for months on end without asking me out. Some make excuses about why they aren’t ready to take me on a date. (So why are you even wasting my time talking to me, Bud?) With others I go out and they make it clear they aren’t marriage oriented, so I dump them.

    But there is this one amazing man who I have decided I will continue to see, even though he says he gives me multiple paradoxical statements, such as he isn’t ready for a relationship but wants to be exclusive with each other until I decide I no longer want to see him anymore. “S” is extremely honest and trustworthy (difficult to find), helpful, caring, romantic, attentive, non materialistic, gifts me with jewelry, fun, acts like I am a beautiful treasure, and cuts my grass. His set of qualities is amazing and rare to find all in one place. It has all the trappings of a relationship, except that he doesn’t want to label it one.

    So I continued to see this guy regularly for the past 14 months. He works weekends, so lately I began to go out one weekend night with someone else, but continue to see “S” a couple nights per week, because he said he didn’t want a relationship. It wasn’t fair for me to exclude myself from everyone else for a guy who ‘says” he does not want a relationship, but acts like he does.

    One day he just “shows up” at my place and sees I have male company. He acts disappointed as if I wanted to be exclusive but then went out with another man. There were plenty more I went out with but didn’t tell him. I didn’t think I had a responsibility to tell him since he said we are not in relationship. “S” didn’t act angry, but he said it was wrong of me to spend time with other men without telling him. (Huh?) So confusing! I reminded him that he said he did not want a relationship. When it was apparent the new male company wasn’t looking for a relationship either I decided it’s not worth it to start seeing him. I told “S” that if he feels that way about the exclusivity, that he acts like he wants a relationship, therefore I am going to call him my boyfriend. He hasn’t complained, but he doesn’t call me his girlfriend.

    He wants to act like he is in a relationship, without calling it a relationship. No other guys want relationships, it seems, or at least not the ones I want anything to do with.

    I understand how he is not in a mindset to start a family, or be married right now, because he is poor. He doesn’t want to rely on my income. I told him I don’t care about his financial situation. I believe he will change his mind one day if he feels more comfortable about his income, but that is speculative. I don’t want to dump him. The alternative is to not date. I have no family, by the way. It is too lonely to not have anyone at all. If someone comes along who does seem to be looking for a relationship, I might dump him then, but I am not going to hold my breath. I am worn out looking. Something (“S”) with a high quality man, even one who is afraid of the R word, is better than nothing with nobody.

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You can tell yourself that, Persephone. But every second you spend with S is a second you’re not looking for the man who DOES want to marry you. Your story with S will end in heartbreak; the only question is how much time will you invest before you see it?

  3. 3
    Kitty

    Hi Evan,

    This is good advice, and I’m glad you’re making videos like this. The dating skills and self improvement advice you give is also very important. But there are plenty of happily married people who weren’t expert daters and who are not their “best selves” yet. The number one reason women end up single is because they waste time on the wrong men.

    Persephone, Evan is right. You don’t have to be perfect to find a good husband. But you do have to find a man who wants to marry you. Trust me, he’s out there!

  4. 4
    ezamuzed

    Persephone, Relationship status aside, it sounds like he believed you two were exclusive. IMO you should have made it clear to him that you were not exclusive and that you would not be unless you are in a relationship. Honestly and openness are important no matter your relationship status. Plus what if he changed his mind on the relationship and then at some point in the future he discovered that you had not been exclusive before the relationship when he was lead to believe you were? It probably won’t go well.

  5. 5
    emily, to

    ezamused,
    ” IMO you should have made it clear to him that you were not exclusive and that you would not be unless you are in a relationship. ”
    He kept telling her he didn’t want a relationship. He can’t have it both ways — exclusivity with no relationship. She’s free to do what she wants and owes him no explanation.
    “Plus what if he changed his mind on the relationship and then at some point in the future he discovered that you had not been exclusive”
    He should have stepped up a long time ago. It’s been 14 months. Her words: “He wants to act like he is in a relationship, without calling it a relationship.” It’s a classic move but it’s b.s.

  6. 6
    ezamuzed

    emily, to,
    “He can’t have it both ways — exclusivity with no relationship” Those are your rules, not his. People have all sorts of rules about exclusivity and relationships. None of them matter but his and hers. “We are not exclusive unless I’m your girlfriend”– 8 words, are they that hard to say?

  7. 7
    Emily, to

    ezamused,
    “Those are your rules, not his. People have all sorts of rules about exclusivity and relationships. None of them matter but his and hers.”
    True, but she’s obviously not ok with the situation or she wouldn’t have written the lengthy post about it. Saying they are exclusive but not in a relationship is a gobbledygook loophole. Fourteen months is more than enough time for him to decide if he wants to be all in. It’s not likely he’s going to change his mind after all this time.
    “We are not exclusive unless I’m your girlfriend”– 8 words, are they that hard to say?”
    She very well might have said that to him but she really shouldn’t have to because, were he serious, he would have let her know he wanted her as a girlfriend months earlier. He hasn’t said it because he wants to keep things as they are.

  8. 8
    jo

    Emily, agreed. Persephone and S should just be friends, and neither should exclude the other from finding a partner. No one should hold another person to exclusivity if they’re unwilling to have a relationship. That’s creepy and controlling. – Now that I type this, I’m not even sure that they should be friends, even though she says she is lonely. I agree with Evan; the sooner she cuts things off with him, the better, so she can open her eyes, widen her social circle, and find the devoted love she wants.

  9. 9
    Emily, to

    Jo,
    “No one should hold another person to exclusivity if they’re unwilling to have a relationship. That’s creepy and controlling”
    I agree. He probably thinks it will reduce his chances of getting an STD if they are exclusive. (I’m guessing.)
    I was in a situation similar to this. I only let it go on for 2 1/2 months, and I was really hoping he’d change his mind and want more after he cooled down after our “define the relationship” talk, but it never happened. I should have seen that coming, but hope is a dangerous thing. 🙂 There’s not much she can do but walk, and it’s not an easy thing to do.

  10. 10
    Roz

    I have a girlfriend who is in the same boat. And guess what? Seven months later and she is still in that boat. I bet that a year from now, she will have burned through another year and will still be in that boat. He’s a man “who doesn’t want a relationship” and won’t call her his girlfriend. Yet he does the same types of things you describes. I think it’s just a way a guy can have his cake and eat it too. I think Evan gave you great advice: kick him to the curb! You’ll be better off in the long run.

  11. 11
    Bbq

    BBQ

    Sure is weird how some guys apparently don’t wanna confirm they’re in a relationship with a woman to said woman. I mean what changes? It can still be casual af, they can still act in the exact same way they did before, they don’t need to live together or even move the relationship forward in any way to still call it a relationship. What’s the difference in saying it? What are they afraid of?

    Hell, even if they are intentionally stringing the babe along, isn’t it still a better idea to say they have a relationship to keep her hopes up for it developing further, like waving a carrot in front of a donkey?

  12. 12
    Emily, to

    BBQ,
    This guy is not going to become her boyfriend. She should demote this guy to sex-only while she’s looking for someone else who wants a relationship. She can then relax and get to know her dates and keep it casual, no pressure on either side, until she finds a guy she likes and who likes her. Or she should cut him loose if she feels she is getting to attached to him.

  13. 13
    Andi

    @Persephone
    Being alone does not mean being lonely. Until you realize that you are the most important person in your life and you should not rely on anyone but yourself, then you will trully be happy. I know this is a blog where people want to find other people, but 100% clinging to others is not the solution…
    About this “boyfriend” of yours, men who are not willing to express what they want, if they want to commit or no, ghosting etc, are either plain stupid, or are using you. A high level man knows exactly what he wants from life and from a relatonship and he WILL have that discussion with you. If he doesn’t, you know what to do.
    I understand the marriage thing if both of you want kids, but if not , excuse me but it beats me. The only way a partner is able to commit is by marriage alone? I 100% disagree.

  14. 14
    Andi

    Later edit:
    Until you realize that you are the most important person in your life and you should not rely on anyone but yourself, then you will NOT trully be happy.

  15. 15
    jo

    Andi, I agree. You’re describing the ideal: two people who have healthy self-esteem so that they know how to be good partners to others: articulating their needs, and not letting others ‘dangle’ on the one hand, or use them on the other. I also agree with you that commitment is a spectrum rather than a bright line defined by marriage.

    Where I thought Persephone’s friend went off the rails is when he demanded she not see other men, but refused to commit to her himself. That is why she should break things off with him completely: because he seems to think that ANY relationship (no matter how lame) entitles him to ‘own’ her and dictate whom she can or cannot see, when he refuses to give her what she wants in return. That is ugly relationship behaviour. It must be kicked to the curb, if she is to move forward with finding love and her own self-esteem.

  16. 16
    Jeremy

    There exists an odd notion among some people that “it never hurts to ask.” That if one wants something and another person has it to give, the individual might as well ask. Because the worst that can happen is that the other can say no. In this situation, for example, the guy probably thinks he can ask her to be sexually exclusive, nevermind the fact that he won’t define the relationship. And she can always answer no.

    Problem is, the worst that can happen isn’t that the other says no. The worst that can happen is that the person being asked can be deeply hurt by the question itself, by the lack of care that the question implies. After years of marriage, it isn’t cool to just ask one’s spouse if it’s ok to have an affair. The question causes pain. The partner won’t just say no and shrug off the question. The need for the question implies a fissure. There are so, so many examples of this, and the example here is almost absurd. He asks her to be sexually exclusive while offering nothing, relationship-wise. She won’t shrug and say no, she’ll be hurt by what the question implies. The fact that the guy doesn’t think of this is what makes him so very unready for any sort of commitment at all.

  17. 17
    Emily, to

    Hi Jeremy,
    “Problem is, the worst that can happen isn’t that the other says no. The worst that can happen is that the person being asked can be deeply hurt by the question itself …”
    I agree, but what if the person who wants to ask the question (even though he/she knows it’s going to cause problems) needs to ask because it is a deal breaker? What if the person who asks is ready to walk if he/she doesn’t get a yes? Maybe asking is a last-ditch effort to save what the person has (i.e,, a marriage).

  18. 18
    jo

    Jeremy and Emily: Jeremy, I agree 100% about the wooliness of such relationship questions. The thing is, Persephone’s ‘whatever’ (boyfriend? hanger-onner? fwb?) probably never even asked that question. He just suggested it with his selfish innuendos: ‘You must do this to make me comfortable’, and then left unspoken, ‘but I won’t give you anything in return.’ You’re right, this example is absurd.

    And why is Persephone hanging on? I guess sadly, because she won’t ask HERSELF the question of what this all means directly. She knows the answer, and she knows it’s going to mean a difficult move that will ultimately benefit her, but is hard in the short term.

    Emily, I have been in those shoes of needing to ask the difficult questions, and the trick is in the art of asking them. You have to know that it is a sensitive topic, therefore approach it, and the person in question, with sensitivity, not just, ‘Are you OK if I have an affair?’ It would involve sitting down with the person, explaining the background, and being as kind as possible if it is a potential relationship breaker. Kindness and consideration are the keys.

  19. 19
    Jeremy

    Hi Emily. I hope you’re well.

    We do what we have to do, I guess. In the example I gave of the man who wants to have an affair, if he feels he needs to ask the question to his wife because he’ll have an affair either way, and will leave the relationship if she says no, that relationship is pretty much going to implode anyway. But that’s an extreme example. What are you thinking of?

  20. 20
    Bbq

    Bbq

    No Marriage was ever saved by asking to have an affair. Having an affair without asking or them knowing? Maybe. It’s not great advice and unlikely to be given by a relationship coach but maybe. But asking? No.

    If your not in some kind of swingers setup and the expectation always been not screwing around (or at least not openly screwing around) who would think this was even a remotely good idea?

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