How to Find a Guy on Online Dating Sites

You go online and browse through men. You know what you’re attracted to: six feet tall, Master’s degree, six-figure income, same religion, and political beliefs, fit, handsome. You set your search criteria to get all these traits and come to the conclusion that dating sites suck and there are virtually no men out there on a conventional dating site. You then conclude that the better path is to go on Tinder, Hinge, or Bumble because at least there are cute guys on there. And there are, but the experience invariably sucks. What’s a girl to do? Stick around and I’ll explain to you how your way of searching is killing your chances of meeting Mr. Right.

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  1. 1
    In Hiding

    If a handsome, fit, educated, 6-figure a year guy contacts me, I’m pretty sure he’s an Internet scammer.

  2. 2
    Yet Another Guy


    I noticed that few of the women who responded on YouTube failed to get your message. I am willing to be that the women who complained about relaxing her standards on Bumble led to her meeting complete garbage. What that tells me is that she is not willing to relax her height and looks standards. If women take one thing away from my posts, it should be that single men in the top 20% do not have to treat a woman well because they always have a funnel, even if they do not know they have funnel. I always had a date queue when I was online, which made me a lot less likely to put up with any kind of demand from a woman. No man who has his pick of women will put up with that kind of nonsense. The take home here is if a woman is not truly in the top 20% of all women looks-wise, including women much younger than herself, odds are that she is not going to be able to make demands on a peer-age top 20% man. There are lot of good men with desirable values, solid careers, and some game in the other 80%. Is a man from 80% pool going to make your girlfriends swoon on first appearance? Probably not! Is a man from the 80% pool going to make your girlfriends realize that you hit the relationship lottery after they see how he treats you? Absolutely!

    The reality is that women have comfort and arousal needs, which often cannot be met by the same man. Some women get lucky and find a man who is the balance of comfort and arousal they need. However, for most women, a man is either going land further on one side than other. A woman who is first and foremost seeking arousal needs to be prepared to not be comfortable in her relationship because high-arousal men tend to draw women. A woman who values comfort needs to be prepared to work at keeping arousal and passion alive. We are all capable of keeping arousal and passion high during limerence because it is primal instinct. However, after limerence and the chemical cocktail fades, something more than passion needs to be in place to keep things going.

  3. 3

    Good comment, YAG.

  4. 4
    Emily, to

    OK. We GET it with the top 20%. They’re feet don’t’ touch the ground. They can get any woman they want. It’s like you’re on the campaign trial.

  5. 5

    Amen, Emily. These comments seem to be a skipping record:

    I am in the top 20% of men.
    Women can’t compete if they’re not hot.
    I am in the top 20% of men.
    Women can’t demand anything of the top 20% of men.
    I am in the top 20% of men.
    Women need to get cosmetic surgery if they want to compete.
    I am in the top 20% of men.

    [Wash, rinse, repeat, 50X]

    Oh, and did I mention that I’m in the top 20% of men?

    Can’t speak for all women, but I think most women are looking for a just a bit more depth in their partners than this self-congratulatory, judgmental, appearance-focused pap.

  6. 6

    You know what Judge Judy says? If it doesn’t make sense, it’s probably not true. Meaning: If you are in the top 20% and can get whomever you want, whenever you want, why do you care so much about the poor sods who make up the 80%? The poor sods who have to dance and juggle to keep women aroused.

  7. 7

    Emily and Jo, the reason I liked YAG’s comment here was because I thought his point was the opposite of what you took away, though I might be wrong. It seemed to me that he was saying, “look, I’m a sought-after guy because of my looks and game, but I’m not a quality relationship partner because I just won’t give women the comfort they want. Because I don’t care to. Because I don’t have to. Because of what my goals are, because of what my options are. So if you want a relationship where you might be comfortable, avoid men like me.” You’d think it would be obvious, but the only thing that’s obvious is that it isn’t obvious. Their why I thought it was a good comment.

  8. 8
    In Hiding

    Emily, to and Jo….

    Idk about you, but I don’t want to sit at YAG’s high school lunch room table. I’m not interested in stuffy, shallow, pretentious men who’s only goal in life is to tell women they’re not good enough. I don’t think we’re as dumb as he seems to think we are.

  9. 9
    Emily, to

    “I thought his point was the opposite of what you took away”
    I got everything he was saying. You missed what I was saying. People who are sought after and confident in their appeal don’t have to keep announcing it over and over again. Something is off.
    “So if you want a relationship where you might be comfortable, avoid men like me.”
    Done! 🙂
    “You’d think it would be obvious, but the only thing that’s obvious is that it isn’t obvious. ”
    How could it not be obvious? He makes this comment in every post? I stand by what I said originally. Some sought-after men will want to get remarried after divorce. My friend’s ex-husband married very quickly after their divorce. He was drop-dead handsome and successful. He said he wanted a home and, to him, that meant having a wife.

  10. 10
    Emily, to

    In Hiding,
    “I don’t think we’re as dumb as he seems to think we are.”
    But I have learned that I need plastic surgery or I am too hideous to leave my house during the day 🙂

  11. 11

    Jeremy, you misunderstood what I’ve taken away from all his comments. My impressions were the same as yours. Beyond what you wrote, there is also excessive focus on looks (both his and women’s) and excessive pride in having treated women poorly in the past, including calling any demands from them ‘nonsense.’ None of which are good indicators for any type of relationship, even casual ones. And the relentless bragging about being in the top 20%: page after page, comment after comment. Personally, I think the focus on only online looks and game as calling oneself ‘top 20%’ is silly. But people can disagree.

    Were you worried that Emily and I would think less of you for having said you liked his comment? Don’t worry. I was sure you were dissecting it in an analytical way.

  12. 12

    Emily and Jo, fair.

    BTW, Jo, I was trying to find an example of a poem that begins and ends similarly with lots having happened in between, disproving the notion that when the finish matches the start, nothing significant has happened. At first I couldn’t find one. Then thought, oh wait, the 5 books of Moses in the Old Testament. They begin with the story of the Garden of Eden, the story of the choice of the Tree of Life, Good and Evil. And they end with an admonition, prior to the death of Moses, of a choice set before the people, a choice between life and death, good and evil. Full-circle, lots having happened in between. Would not be at all accurate to say that nothing had changed. Thereby refuting my point about Jabberwocky. Though I still like to think of Jabberwocky as having that theme, that ultimately nothing changed, whether or not it was intended. After all, how much that we see in art of any sort is ultimately projection? And how well does that apply here? 🙂

  13. 13
    Emily, to

    “Were you worried that Emily and I would think less of you for having said you liked his comment? Don’t worry. I was sure you were dissecting it in an analytical way.”
    I just thought he got excited at the words “comfort” and “arousal.”

  14. 14
    In Hiding

    Has he SEEN what women who are aging look like after the plastic surgery has started to shift? I don’t think it’s cute.

  15. 15
    In Hiding

    Oh and just so YAG isn’t unaware; there are men who don’t have it going on like YAG apparently does that can get all kinds of women (except the smart ones). They’re generally aging, frustrated wannabe guitar gods. I’ve fallen prey to them and sworn them off.

  16. 16

    Jeremy, so the jo-bberwocky was right about something? 😉 Please inform me about the end of the Moses story line, as I don’t know what choice his people made that involved something akin to a tree of good and evil.

    Maybe T.S. Eliot expressed it best in ‘Little Gidding’:

    We shall not cease from exploration
    And the end of all our exploring
    Will be to arrive where we started
    And know the place for the first time.

    This puts us in the top 20% of geeks commenting on Evan’s page.

    Emily, the funny thing is that I had the same thought as you about comfort and arousal. 🙂 And I wish I’d seen your earlier comments before posting my own, because you pretty much nailed it.

    In Hiding, it’s funny that you wrote about high school lunch tables, because that does match the way that this person comes across: one of the ways I agree with Emily that something seems off. He’s much older than I am, and he still thinks this way? Other adults shed that once we’ve left high school and stopped caring about being cool or popular. We care about the people who know us and choose us as we truly are.

  17. 17

    It’s not that I ever thought you were wrong. It’s just that I thought it important to introduce another perspective that wasn’t less right. It reminds me of a story from years ago, that might be helpful to those on the blog, so I apologize to Evan for the length.

    The first argument that my (now) wife and I ever had occurred shortly after we got engaged. And though it was about something frivolous and stupid, it was bitter nonetheless. Our parents had decided to throw an engagement party for us, and my wife wanted to register at a local department store for gifts, to help us get the things we needed as a young penniless couple. I’d have much preferred to get cash presents, but was informed that asking for cash was gauche. This in mind, I wanted to register for less expensive things so that we could get more of what we needed, whereas my wife preferred to accept fewer items, but have them be the things she’d ultimately want. Which led to a bitter, bitter row about….dishes. She wanted to register for a lovely stoneware set, the kind her mother had. Pretty, durable, versatile. I preferred corningware – cheap and indestructible. We argued for days, and feelings got hurt. Not so much because the topic was important, but because we both lacked skills of constructive disagreement, having always agreed before, more or less. It was the first time that neither of us backed down, and we were both disappointed in each other (when we should have been disappointed in ourselves).

    The argument came to a head as we talked on the phone. We’d been arguing for days and made no progress, and I finally said, “Look, we’re not getting anywhere with this conversation and are both feeling angry right now. Why don’t we hang up the phone and talk again once we cool down.” So we hung up, and I stewed for a while. But 15 minutes later, the phone rang and it was her. “I’ve spent some time thinking about it,” she said. “And after giving the matter a lot of thought….I’ve decided that I am right. And here’s why….”

    But I stopped listening. Because when I heard the phone ring after such a short time, when I heard that she’d given the matter some thought, what I EXPECTED to hear was some sort of acknowledgement that she could see my perspective. That she might see how I might be right, at least to some extent. But to call back after cursory thought, having only considered how SHE might be right…..yeah, I hung up the phone.

    When I regained my composure, I called her back. I apologized for hanging up on her, and explained the cause of my anger. I then suggested that we each think of a reason why the other might be right, try to adopt some perspective. She she thought for a minute, and said, “OK, corningware. It’s durable, it’s cheap, I can see why you’d want it, given our finances right now. I disagree, but I can see your perspective. Now it’s your turn.” And I replied, “Stoneware. Ultimately the reason for getting it, beyond any trivial details, is because you want it. Because YOU want it. Should that not be the most important reason?”

    It should, shouldn’t it? And ultimately it was. The issue was never that she was wrong in what she wanted. Only in her assumption that what SHE wanted was more important than what I did. More correct. More reasonable. Reasons aside, what is important is the wants. And each equally important. I never thought you were wrong in any of our past arguments. I only thought that your arguments represented potentially half the calculus, and tried to present the other half. Mine no more important, but also not less. Which is why it’s so important, during an argument, to direct our thoughts to why we might be wrong, not why we might be right. Because sometimes, winning a fight is surely the best way to lose. Hard thing for SSS people to remember, sometimes.

    1. 17.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      (Slow clap for Jeremy)

  18. 18
    Emily, to

    “I agree with Emily that something seems off.”
    When I wrote that something seems off, I meant I don’t believe all the bragging. Just like I don’t believe the male commenters on another post who were pushing 40 and claimed to be dating women in their early 20s — and not wanting to pay for dates, offer commitment or look like Johnny Deep circa 2003. 🙂
    “He’s much older than I am, and he still thinks this way? Other adults shed that once we’ve left high school and stopped caring about being cool or popular. We care about the people who know us and choose us as we truly are.”
    I’m not the morality police. If I a man wants to get divorced and hook up with a bunch of women, that’s none of my business. But at some point, you do have ask: How much validation does one need? How much is enough? I’m a woman, of course, but it’s always meant more to me if one guy I really liked and valued also valued me versus 10 guys I didn’t value or like as much showed interest.
    P.S. I was teasing Jeremy about the “arousal” and “comfort.” 🙂 But we all have our triggers.

  19. 19

    When I was online, I was a little surprised( and confused)about number of times I was blown off by average schlubs. They may have been top 20 percent and I didn’t know it. Maybe I was delusional about my own “rank”. I think the main reason was that I thought they were average online dudes. When you think you lowering your standards by dating someone, they will think you are smug. Diminished enthusiasm never works especially when online dating.
    The best policy is to assume you are top shelf and that everyone you meet is awesome. Be grateful and don’t expect the other person to prove they are worth your attention.

  20. 20

    Jer, great, and I like your story – but what does that have to do with Moses and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? 😉 (Don’t worry – knowing us, we’ll be sure to come up with a link, like the stoneware is the stone tablets and the corningware is the golden calf.)

    Emily, I think I know who you mean: the guy who’s 39 and says that no woman 30 or older is allowed to approach him because he’s so fit, right? True, we’re not morality police. But we can still enjoy a good laugh. 😀

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