Is Dating an Older Man a Bad Idea?

Most women I work with do NOT like older men. Older men aren’t attractive. Older men look like Grandpa or Dad. Older men can’t keep up with you. Older men have no energy. Older men have erectile dysfunction. Older men are on their last legs and are looking for a nurse with a purse. I hear you. The problem is that these are stereotypes and stereotypes are only partially true. On this Love U Podcast, I’m doing to explain what it looks like to date an older man and why the rewards are often worth it. Stick around.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Jeannie

    I dated younger, older & everything in between .I agree about happiness etc. But now I am 61 & have had men in their 70’s & up pursue me & not all if many had much if anything to offer me. Yet I have lots to offer a man .Seems like an uneven exchange :0( I wrote you in a previous thread about a Grandpa Muenster look a like who was over 20 years older & wrote a detailed letter about his PENIS! You better bet if I am gonna be booty call at my age it has to be a sexually attractive man who can afford dinner at a non-chain restaurant…

    I resent false advertising- there is a commercial for Old Man Time where a nice elderly man says “My buddy met a nice woman that way” BS–even old, broke ugly men want the hottest ticket they can get & she has to have beaucoup bucks as well.

    I’d rather go out w/friends& masturbate to free porn on the internet than deal w/another nasty old foo-fa who wants to play Anna Nicole Smith w/ me (I kind of resemble her too!)

    Plus the pandemic let’s face it has put a damper on things.

    I think your podcast is good advice for women younger than me though!

  2. 2
    SparklingEmerald

    I think I’m a bit unusual. I’ve always thought men in their 40’s were the sexiest age. Thought that when I was 16, still think that now. When I was 16, of course 40’s were too old, now that I am mid-sixties, that is too young. All through my late teens and throughout my 20’s, I always had a crush of some sort on either a teacher, or a 40 something man in the work place. When I was 29, I was head over heels in love with a man 42. We dated about 3 months, but he was freshly divorced and not ready to settle down. I admit, it was a bit weird when I met his kids and the age difference between his kids and myself was roughly the same as the age difference between him and me. If he was willing to have another family, I would have married him in a heartbeat, but as I mentioned earlier, he was enjoying his new found freedom and not interested in settling down :(. Don’t know what it is about men in their 40’s that I find so irresistable, but I did. They seem so mature, got their act together, etc. and I think a handsome forty something with a bit of silver at the temples is a silvler fox ! Unfortunately, I am in the minority. When I was in love the 42 year old, my friends gave me so much s#i+ about it, called him “Over the Hill Bill”, etc. Except my middle age boss, she thought he quite the catch, and offered me condolences when we didn’t work out, thought he was very handsome, etc.

    I’ve always leaned toward a bit older, although I considered the TOTALITY of a man, when I was dating. I met a wonderful man 8 years my senior when I was 59, (8 years is not such a big age difference now that we are both senior citizens). We have been married now for 4 years and I couldn’t be happier !

  3. 3
    Camy

    Evan, you have good info but need to read the room better. I am 55 and have dated older, younger and my age. Most men even at 60 plus tend to avoid commitment and play the field. I agree with Jeannie. I am not bitter but even older men do not have a lot to offer and do not work on themselves but act like immature players. I have a good career and adult children but zero prospects. You maybe should stick to advising women under 40 because you do not understand what it is like dating past 50z

  4. 4
    Jenny

    Hi Evan
    I love your advice and outlooks. You are spot on the money on most things.
    And I agree its about being open to meeting someone. Not having strict criteria except on the deal breakers. ie being rude on the phone or going straight to sex talk.
    Age is a number. No we don’t want an old man/woman. But being 42 or 35 doesn’t necessarily make someone young. I have come across some young people who make my dead grandmother look alive!!
    I have met some very attractive 65yr old men. Rare i must admit but they do exist and I am 67yrs old by the way. I have also in my line of work come across some men in their 80’s who don’t look a day over 60. Again rare but do exist.
    And it is about how someone treats you. How you feel around them. And how comfortable you are with them. Attraction yes always has to be some attraction , however the more you get to know someone and the more you find to like about them the more attractive they become.
    One thing I would like to enquire about from other readers is how do you cope with all the scammers online today? I find as i get older there are more targeting this age group and finding a genuine profile gets to be very difficult.

  5. 5
    SparklingEmerald

    Jenny asked “One thing I would like to enquire about from other readers is how do you cope with all the scammers online today?”

    Good question. I was in OLD after divorce in my mid 50’s. I met my now hubby when I was 59. Unfortunately, match dot com, did not seem very interested in weeding out the players, scammers, and the abusive e-mailers, so it is really on you to weed them out. 🙁 I used google image search and spotted a couple of fake profiles. I reported them, but nothing was done. I even had a scammer contact me through face book. He just “happened” to run across my profile and thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Yea right, he lived in another country (according to his profile) and we had no mutual friends. I did a google image search and ALL of his profile pix came straight off of the website of an obscure German politician. I messaged him back and asked him “Has anyone told you that you look like Matthias Groote ?” and he replied back “Who’s he ?” and I sent him a link to Groote’s website. He took down his face book profile. Google image search is your friend !!!!!!!

    Another thing I did was that I didn’t waste much time with men who wrote from another state (I stated in my profile that my match must be within 35 miles of my zip,) as that was big red flag for me. Also, I didn’t waste time with men who seemed to want to e-mail and message endlessly, but didn’t want to call or meet in person.

    I let my match dot com profile expire, when I rec’d a series of sexually aggressive messages from a member, I forwarded the whole string to them and reported his inappropriate messages, and a month later, he was still on their site. I vowed not to go back, as I was furious that they would allow such behavior. But I got sucked backed with some “special offer” and reluctantly went back on. The first interaction I had was with a wonderful man, very nice profile, very nice introductory e-mail, very nice exchange of messages and we met up in person in reasonable time frame. So glad I reluctantly went back on, because that was 6 years ago, and we have now been married for 4 years.

    Lot’s of scammers out their online, and unfortunately, most of the dating sites are glad to collect their money, but don’t want to boot them off of their site. But hang in their, weed out the scammers, because their are older, relationship oriented men hidden among the scammers. GOOD LUCK !

  6. 6
    Roz

    I agree with this comment. My dating profile shows up to 10 years older than me. I’ve tried dating more than 10 years older, and I feel that there the gap between life experience and culture in general becomes too great after about 10 years.

    As EMC explained, it might make sense for a woman who wants to have children to settle down with an older man, but she better be ready. The jump from an extended adolescence into a settled lifestyle is a huge adjustment.

    I think the biggest surprise in dating older men is what you described, Camy. The men over 60 are themselves going through some sort of revived adolescence. They want to “travel” and “have fun.” And while they don’t tell you that they are playing the field, they really are playing the field. The sad part is, many of them don’t have a lot to offer. They seem to think they have a lot to offer, but they don’t. 1/2 of them haven’t taken care of themselves. They certainly don’t age as well as women do. So you might end up with a 62-year-old man who has a growing mix of health problems who has a modest retirement who thinks he is hot enough and rich enough and special enough to land a Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, all while expecting you to take care of him until the end of his days (ie – Nurse with a Purse).

    This article probably applies to younger women. I agree. I don’t think it applies as well to dating after a certain age.

  7. 7
    M

    I’m in my 40’s and would totally date a man up to his early 60’s. As a single mother tied to my current location per child custody arrangements, I have to take a very practical approach to dating. Older men are more apt to retire soon and would likely be more able to move (if they live farther away) until my children are grown/I can leave my area. I appreciate all the qualities Evan mentioned with older men, too. Stable, mature, more likely to value me than a younger man, etc.

    I didn’t encounter any issues with fake profiles. The issue I came across with older men and online dating was that each one I was interacting with expected me to only be talking to them/one at a time, but they weren’t offering commitment and in most cases we hadn’t even met yet. It’s as if they hadn’t done any research into what to expect in online dating. I’m not going to ignore prospective matches while waiting to see if things pan out with one. That’s an unreasonable expectation. I didn’t want anyone to think I was “playing the field” or otherwise insincere in my desire for marriage, so I was usually up front early on that I was talking to more than one gentleman. That didn’t tend to over well with the 40+ men. My friends told me to stop telling them, but I prefer to maintain my integrity.

  8. 8
    Emily, to

    Sparkling Emerald,
    ” All through my late teens and throughout my 20’s, I always had a crush of some sort on either a teacher, or a 40 something man in the work place.”
    Can you imagine a man writing something like that? “I was in my late teens and had a huge crush on a 40-someting woman.” AH …. if only we were considered sexier as we got older, too. 🙂

  9. 9
    Cathalei

    You’d be surprised at the number of students mooning over their teachers that age. A very famous example is Emmanuel Macron.

  10. 10
    Emily, to

    The French revere older women. Americans do not.

  11. 11
    SparklingEmerald

    Emily to: I think I was in the minority with my fondness for older males as evidenced by the sneering comments from my female friends when I was dating a 42 year at age 29. (I turned 30 during that relationship, so the diff was only about 12 1/2 years, not a big deal IMHO) I think men who have a fondness toward older women are in the minority as well. But in the minority, doesn’t mean non-existent.

    Anyway, I’m not going to lament about this. BOTH people in the relationship can’t be the younger one.

    When I was in OLD, I did have a fair number of men from 10-20 years younger contact me, but who can tell what their intent was ? I either ignored them, or in a few cases told them, “I have a son your age, so no thanks”. For all I know, “cougar hunting” could have been part of some fraternity initiation, as I seemed to get an influx of young college age men writing to me from mid-Aug to Mid September.

    I wasn’t at all flattered when kids in their 20’s would hit on me in OLD, in fact it kind of creeped me out, I guess because I have a son around that age. Maybe if I only had daughter or no kids it wouldn’t have given me the willies like it did.

    To each his or her own. I know of a few marriages and/or long term relationships between a man and woman 10+ years his senior and vice-versa. If the couple is happy, I am happy for them.

    I have seen some very severe bashing on this blog from males and females towards members of the opposite sex past a “certain age”. Such stereotyping and vicious commentary. I wish it would stop.

  12. 12
    Hairy Palms

    To M, I find it rude and crass when a woman makes a point to tell me that she’s dating other men. I never ask, and in my opinion, it’s a given that both parties are dating other people.

    I feel as if I’m now competing for her attention. Ain’t gonna happen! I would never go out of my way to tell a woman that I’m dating others either.

    Now if I do agree it’s awfully needy and naive to expect someone to focus on you until you’ve had the talk which is ain’t happening until at least he 3rd date:)

  13. 13
    Emily, to

    Sparkling,m
    “I think I was in the minority with my fondness for older males as evidenced by the sneering comments from my female friends when I was dating a 42 year at age 29. ”
    I dated a guy about that age when I was in my late 20s, too. I don’t think that age difference is so bad. I was commenting on a young man in his late teens finding a 40-something woman attractive (as you said you found men in their 40s attractive when you were in your late teens). I don’t think most teenaged boys find women that much older appealing. I myself only found one man in his 40s attractive when I was in my late teens … and he was the guy everybody wanted. An anomaly.
    “When I was in OLD, I did have a fair number of men from 10-20 years younger contact me, but who can tell what their intent was ?”
    The usual suspects on here will tell you they wanted easy sex and couldn’t get it from their peers.
    You know, I just watched a 2019 movie with French actress . Catherine Deneuve. She was in her mid-70s and looked fantastic. Elegant, glamorously dressed (full-length leopard print coat), beautiful long hair. She was sexy. A traffic-jamming hunk of a woman. 🙂 But I’m a woman. I am probably looking at it much differently than a man would.

  14. 14
    Cathalei

    ” I don’t think most teenaged boys find women that much older appealing.”

    Plenty of them fantasize about their well-groomed teachers. There was a time when I was “one of them” and they didn’t hesitate to talk about that.

    “You know, I just watched a 2019 movie with French actress . Catherine Deneuve. She was in her mid-70s and looked fantastic. Elegant, glamorously dressed (full-length leopard print coat), beautiful long hair. She was sexy. A traffic-jamming hunk of a woman. But I’m a woman. I am probably looking at it much differently than a man would.”

    Are you looking at her as a straight woman or a woman who is genuinely attracted to other women? Being the latter, I’d often check out older women and even write novellas about them as big mommas to touch my gangly self. 🙂 Yes, she has still that older flirtatious teacher vibe. I still dig Monica Bellucci for that matter, and I know plenty of men wouldn’t say no to Tina Turner; neither would I.

  15. 15
    Emily, to

    Cathalei,
    “Plenty of them fantasize about their well-groomed teachers. There was a time when I was “one of them” and they didn’t hesitate to talk about that.”
    They are fantasizing about their 26-year-old teacher. Not their 46-year-old teacher. Unless she is really well preserved. Maybe looks like Halley Berry ?
    “Are you looking at her as a straight woman or a woman who is genuinely attracted to other women? ”
    Straight woman who is looking at older woman and thinking .. if that’s 75, maybe it won’t be so bad. French women know how to do sexy and elegant. You won’t see any of them in capri pants and thick sandals. 🙂
    “I know plenty of men wouldn’t say no to Tina Turner; neither would I.”
    Tina Turner now or Tina Turner 25 years ago? Even the men I know who say they like “older women” are picking women who are, at most, in their 40s or early 50s. And they themselves are in their 60s or even older. And they see no contradiction in that. The only exception they name is Christie Brinkley. But she’s another one of those anomalies.

  16. 16
    SparklingEmerald

    I said ““When I was in OLD, I did have a fair number of men from 10-20 years younger contact me, but who can tell what their intent was ?”” and E to replied “The usual suspects on here will tell you they wanted easy sex and couldn’t get it from their peers.”

    For once, I agreed with the “usual suspects” (cough, cough YAG) so I didn’t pay much mind to those men-children who wrote.

    One guy who was about 10 years younger than me, we were writing back and forth and he asked me what my friends would think if I dated a younger man. I wrote back that I don’t care what my friends would think. He replied that he actually liked older women because they were “less drama” and “better in bed”. I didn’t reply to him after that. He pretty much spelled it out that he was after E-Z sex.

    I think some men are under the impression that we women of a certain age would be “grateful” for their sexual attention. Or flattered, Or whatever.

  17. 17
    Emily, to

    Sparkling,
    “I think some men are under the impression that we women of a certain age would be “grateful” for their sexual attention. Or flattered, Or whatever.”
    Well, my ego would be flattered, yes, but then the logical part of me would take over and think: Why is the guy talking to me?

  18. 18
    ezamuzed

    Hairy Palms: “To M, I find it rude and crass when a woman makes a point to tell me that she’s dating other men. I never ask, and in my opinion, it’s a given that both parties are dating other people.”

    Just yesterday I had a woman tell me she was an a different Tinder date right before me. I had another woman say the same thing a few weeks ago. I find the openness and honesty refreshing so I really appreciate it. One of the big reasons I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago was because I found out she lied to me at the start of our relationship and she was sleeping with another guy when she said she wasn’t

  19. 19
    Emily, to

    ezamused,
    I agree with Hairy Palms. It’s crash and manipulative to talk about the other people you are dating. It’s just a given that the other party may be dating others. And until you both establish you are in a monogamous relationship, what the other person did and with whom before that time is none of your business. I’m not sure what timeline you are referring to when you wrote that your girlfriend slept with another man, but if it was before you two were officially together, she didn’t do anything wrong, and why would you want to know, anyway? I guess if you two were having sex before you became official and you asked her if she was sleeping with other people and she lied, yes, that would be bad, but I would side eye anyone who was pressing me for information on, for example, date 2, and we barely knew each other.

  20. 20
    Stephanie

    @Sparkling,
    He replied that he actually liked older women because they were “less drama” and “better in bed”.

    I wish I could say the same for the older men I’ve dated.

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