Why Do Men Ghost You (And What to Do About It)

You ever have a really strong connection with a guy? The attraction is incredible. He’s really into you. You can’t stop thinking about him. He quickly becomes your boyfriend. You haven’t been this excited in a long time. You start to think about a future. Next thing you know, he suddenly stops contacting you. You’ve been ghosted. What did you do wrong? What do you do now? What do you do next? Listen to this important Love U Podcast to discover a new way to look at ghosting.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Trying To Get Out Of Hiding

    You let them stay ghosted. That’s what you do.

  2. 2
    SparklingEmerald

    Good advice. My ex-husband didn’t exactly “ghost” (Kinda hard to ghost on a 23 year marriage, with a child and a mortgage) but he did exit the relationship, in a very unkind way. I found EMK while googling “How to get your ex back” and other BS websites. Reading EMK’s blog confirmed what I knew deep down inside, but didn’t want to admit , there was no getting him back and even if there was, WHY ?????????? All that was left to do was to grieve and move on. I initially felt I should grieve and move on, completely un-coupled, then I decided to move on and find a boyfriend, but didn’t think marriage was necessary nor particularly desirable at my age. I found a wonderful boyfriend, but when it became clear that he wanted this relationship to lead to marriage, I had to re-think the “necessity” and “desirability” of marriage. I have now been very happily marred for over 3 years, best decision I have ever made !

  3. 3
    Mr_B

    The reason men don’t get as upset about being ghosted is because women ghosting is the norm.

    3 great dates where you are putting in all the effort, the woman is laughing and telling you she’s having a great time, then boom, ghosted.

    One of the biggest challenges in dating for men is that fact that you never get accurate feedback.

    Did she ghost because you made an error or did one of the 10 guys that’s been wanting their turn jump the que?

    When men vent about the pain of being ghosted no one cares.

  4. 4
    Emily, to

    Mr. B,
    “3 great dates where you are putting in all the effort, the woman is laughing and telling you she’s having a great time, then boom, ghosted.”
    Did you ask her for fourth date in maybe a text, email or voicemail and she didn’t respond? Because, if so, that is rude. Now, if you go on three dates and you don’t reach out after the third and she doesn’t reach out, I don’t know if I’d call that ghosting. Maybe just mutual disinterest in moving forward.

  5. 5
    Trying To Come Out Of Hiding

    Mr. B,

    Not one guy I ever went out with bothered to tell me why he ghosted. NOT ONE.

  6. 6
    Michelle

    This comes down to two people having a very different experience with the same events; women often miss subtle signs he is not boyfriend material or not that into you because he shows up for regular sex and puts in an appropriate investment of time, attention and occasional night out to keep that going. Especially if they have had sex, her compass gets out of whack and she sees what she wants to see, not what is really going on. The woman thinks things are moving towards a relationship, the guy meanwhile has her on backup till the woman that really rocks his world comes along. Can happen with men also, they see what they want to see and miss the signs, (especially if she’s hot) until she moves on to another guy that is a better fit or she’s more attracted to. The hurt party is always surprised when they disappear because they let overwhelming attraction and catching feelings (usually one sided) get in the way of discernment and paying attention to what is really going on. If you are paying attention, moving slowly and observing actions (not talk) you should NEVER be surprised when someone ghosts you. If you are playing it right, you saw it coming and already had other plans.

  7. 7
    Mr_B

    Did you ask for feedback? Because I have and get no response.

  8. 8
    emily, to

    Michelle,
    Your comment was dead on the money.
    “This comes down to two people having a very different experience with the same events; women often miss subtle signs he is not boyfriend material or not that into you because he shows up for regular sex and puts in an appropriate investment of time, attention and occasional night out to keep that going. Especially if they have had sex, her compass gets out of whack and she sees what she wants to see, not what is really going on. The woman thinks things are moving towards a relationship, the guy meanwhile has her on backup till the woman that really rocks his world comes along.”
    Very much so. He is actually taking her out on dates, so she thinks he wants a relationship. But, as you wrote, had she paid attention to his actions, had she noted that 3 months in he was still only calling and hanging out once a week and had never asked her if they were exclusive or to be his girlfriend … there’s her answer. She doesn’t need to have have “dtr” (define the relationship) talk. She already knows.

  9. 9
    Noquay

    Mr B
    The reason we women often don’t give feedback/reasons is that we want out because we either don’t feel attraction even after giving it a try, do not feel compatible, or there’s some sort of other off-putting behavior. There simply is no good, non-hurtful way to explain these things so we say nothing and bail.

  10. 10
    Noquay

    Michelle
    You’re spot on; two people, two very different interpretation of events. I have been guilty of ghosting and did not feel good about it. This happened while still in the early communication stage or after one or two dates. The reason was that the individuals demonstrated behavior, indicative of mental illness and/or gross irresponsibility that I found frightening, two of them actually turned stalker.

  11. 11
    Emily, to

    Noquay,
    “This happened while still in the early communication stage or after one or two dates. The reason was that the individuals demonstrated behavior, indicative of mental illness and/or gross irresponsibility that I found frightening, two of them actually turned stalker.”
    In these instances, it is probably best to ghost. But in instances where you just don’t want to proceed forward and you don’t get creeper/mentally unbalanced vibes from the person, even if it’s after only 1 date, it takes all of 30 seconds to text someone that you don’t want to meet up again. It seems rude to not respond (not saying you did that). But if neither party contacts the other after a date or 2, that isn’t ghosting to me.

  12. 12
    Mr_B

    Noquay, women don’t want to hurt feelings so they ghost.

    Men are probably ghosting for the same reason. They realize that the women they were dating weren’t going to be relationship material.

    Why is it OK for women to ghost but not men?

    Women ghost far more than men, it’s their default behavior in the modern dating world.

  13. 13
    Trying To Come Out Of Hiding

    IMHO, if a man ghosts, ghosts. It’s unwise for a woman to get excited or attached right away. If she does, she’s not seeing him objectively. That’s what I‘ve learned anyway.

  14. 14
    PacNWLove

    Hmm, I’m not sure where Mr_B has seen definitive statistics that women ghost more than men; being that women typically communicate more and want to know where things stand more often than men, I would think it would be more men than women ghosting. I have been ghosted on probably close to a hundred times in the last 15 years of online dating, including by two different guys who I had been seeing for a year who just blocked me rather than breaking up with me, which was so hurtful. They both came crawling back, one saying he had met someone else who didn’t turn out to be a good fit and the other one said he had depression and that he just dealt with it by shutting everyone out. I took both of them back only to be ghosted again a year later in the same way. I think a lot of people just don’t have good “breaking up skills.” I have also ghosted people in the past after I went out with them once; I used to think that was okay but I’ve reconsidered and now I think I should at least reach out to say we’re not a good match, hopefully before he gets a chance to ask me out again. If I don’t feel it, I should say that right away.

  15. 15
    SparklingEmerald

    Personally, after 1-3 dates, pre-sex, pre-relationship, etc. I was fine with ghosting. In fact, I prefered it. I really don’t think anyone owes me an explanation after 1 or 2 dates. I don’t think I owe anyone an explanation either. I have tried to “ghost” but usually the person I ghosted got very persistent and demanded an explanation, blew up my phone, texts, etc, so eventually I said “we’re not a match”. When men ghosted me, I wouldn’t stalk them asking for an explanation. A man falling in love does not ghost. A man not falling in love, wasn’t a concern. Sure it could be disappointing, but chasing after a ghost is really futile.

  16. 16
    Trying To Come Out Of Hiding

    That’ll preach.

  17. 17
    Emily, to

    Sparkling Emerald,
    “Personally, after 1-3 dates, pre-sex, pre-relationship, etc. I was fine with ghosting. In fact, I preferred it. I really don’t think anyone owes me an explanation after 1 or 2 dates. I don’t think I owe anyone an explanation either.”
    ITA. Now, you’ve maybe been going out a month, meet up every weekend, talk and /or text everyday, you’re staring to establish a pattern of contact and hanging out, things seems to be moving forward … yeah, you probably owe someone at least a text saying that you don’t want to go out anymore. I still think, though, that even if you go out only once and the person contacts you to go out again, you should respond. It’s just the polite thing to do. Only a short text is necessary. Unless, of course, there is something about the person that makes you feel unsafe and it’s best just to not respond.

  18. 18
    Bbq

    Why are people trying to be all vigilant about reading all the signs so they never get ghosted? Talk about insecurity turning into a complex. If your paying attention to all the little signs your chances of not getting ghosted may decrease but your chances of having any fun and not seeming like a over observant weirdo will drastically increase.
    There are worse things in the world than being ghosted, it’s not nearly bad enough to try to develop obsessive self defence strategies against. Lighten up babes you’ll enjoy dating more.

  19. 20
    Emily, to

    BBQ,
    “Why are people trying to be all vigilant about reading all the signs so they never get ghosted?”
    It’s just being observant. If the guy is spacing out the calls, if you are going out once every 2 weeks with little communication in between dates, it’s pretty obvious he’s half-interested. It behooves a woman to not have any expectations.
    Mr. B,
    Again, you haven’t defined what you mean by ghosting.

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