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Rejection is no fun for anybody. It triggers feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, deep questioning. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe this is never going to happen. It’s normal to have these fleeting thoughts after things don’t go right in love. The problem is when you start to internalize these thoughts. Suddenly, it’s not just a bad day or a bad break, it’s an existential crisis that causes you to believe that lasting love is impossible. It’s not. You just have to get better with rejection. Stick around and I’ll show you how.
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PODCAST TRANSCRIPT
A says
Great article, thank you so much Evan!
Anita McKewen says
Another fabulous episode, Evan! Perfectly said 🙂
Anne Lilly says
Mark,
Thank you for this rejection podcast. I really liked the way you framed this issue using the idea of real rejection vx. perceived rejection. I am interested in learning more about the 2/2/2 rule. It was also helpful to hear the statistic that 90 percent of men are not going to be right for me but one person will be. I am learning from you.
As a person who has just ended a 20 year marriage I feel so daunted by this world and yet know that I want a partner who will make me feel seen, heard, and loved. I am hoping that I can skip some mistakes by taking your good advice.
I get that research and development is needed after my initial efforts resulted in a very upsetting and destabilizing predatory experience. I see that this does need to be an organized systemic process. I am not on any app right now but just reading and listening and thinking about how to do this when I understand it better. Thank you for your clarity and point of view.
Carol Park says
LOVE this podcast!! Thank you.
Paulina says
This video was great, Thank You!!
Yet Another Guy says
@Evan
You did the women who watched this video a huge favor. Women have absolutely no idea as to how many women men who are successful online write. I met over two hundred women in the two years I was online. I wrote to at least five hundred women during that period and chatted online with at least three hundred women who initiated a conversation with me. I used something like the 2/2/2 rule to filter these contacts down to a little over two hundred women who I agreed to meet in person. All I can say is that I am thankful that I am guy. I crashed and burned horribly a few times in person when I was in my twenties. Having my advances rejected online was no big deal.
The reality is that rejection teaches a person where he/she resides within the male or female social hierarchy. Few people want to talk about SMV, but it, in loose terms, is real because dating is an exercise in assortative pairing (like seeks like). Most non-delusional men are acutely aware of where they reside in the male social hierarchy by the end of their twenties. They may not like or agree with where they reside in male social hierarchy, but it is something that they have to accept to be successful in the dating world. The reason for this awareness is because men have to pursue. As mentioned above, there is nothing like crashing and burning to teach a man to temper his choices. From my viewpoint as an older man, it is a lesson that very few women learn because they are usually the pursued. However, it is a lesson that they need to learn if they are going to play an active part in finding a guy who is good for them.
With that said, a woman should pay attention to the men who respond when she reaches out as well to the men who initiate contact. I can assure women that men who are successful online pay attention to this feedback loop. Sure, there will be men who reach out who are reaching up, but not every man is reaching up. Any woman who believes that every man who reaches out is reaching up needs to take a long hard look at herself because she probably has an elevated sense of her SMV. That is not uncommon for women because a lot of women want a guy like themselves, but better in every way. The probability of that type of paring ocurring is very low, that is, unless a woman is stunningly beautiful and built like a brick you know what.
Now, guys are at fault for a lot of women not knowing what they reside in the female social hierarchy because guys are not sexually selective, even the top twenty percent of men. That is why Evan is right when it comes to sexclusivity. Sure, there is a chance that a man with whom a woman has sex early will want to commit. It does happen from time to time, especially with guys who have limited options. However, the reality is that most of the desirable men a woman meets on a dating site will not stick around if a woman holds out for commitment, but sex for true commitment is a fair trade. Why? Because women are the gatekeepers to sex whereas men are the gatekeepers to commitment. Why should a woman open her gate when a man will not open his? Some food for thought….
Mrs Happy says
Dear YAG @ #6,
I assume that, in the same way men learn where they reside in the male/female social hierarchy (i.e. by not getting what they want, which might be sex with Female X), women learn where they reside in the male/female social hierarchy (i.e. by not getting what they want, which might be a committed relationship with Male Y).
It seems odd to assume one gender would learn this more thoroughly, or better, than the other.
You might encounter more women who struggle with this, or are still in the learning stage, but that is probably because you engage with more women, and aren’t exposed to the men navigating this. I’m sure there is something in the immediacy and painfulness of rejection if one is the person always approaching, that teaches the “where I reside” lesson with heightened negative emotion, but I think both genders learn the lesson; the main difference is, women usually get to learn it more gently.
I smiled to read your comment “all I can say is that I am thankful that I am a guy,” because I am so glad I was born female (and where and when and how I was). The secret to happiness, indeed.