There is a part of you deep inside that you try not to look at. It’s the part of you that longs to be in a relationship. It’s the part of you that knows life is better when it’s shared. It’s the part of you that wants someone to love her, believe in her, and support her unconditionally. Despite all this, it’s a part that you willfully ignore because it’s too painful to face. Well, today we’re gonna face it and we’re gonna get you on track to get you what you actually want out of life.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Woman, and your personal trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Please stay to the end of this video to reconnect with your deepest desires and get into action to get you the love you deserve. Now, when we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can apply to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
So let’s set the scene. As I’ve mentioned in previous Love U podcasts when people apply to Love U and are qualified, I get on the phone, spend about 45 minutes asking a series of questions. And virtually every woman I’ve ever worked with has the same idea of what she wants her life to look like a year down the road. Serious boyfriend wakes up next to each other, quickie morning sex, coffee, leisurely breakfast, hiking or biking or working out, something fun or relaxing in the afternoon, the beach and museum, the barbecue followed by dinner, drinks, friends, laughter. Maybe some more sex.
This is the life that I have, with kids. And I highly recommend it. It’s my chief export that I try to help other people achieve. But if this isn’t the life that you have right now and it’s the life that you want, we have to address the elephant in the room. Why aren’t you actively pursuing this life? The one that you claim to want deep in your heart. Why aren’t you pursuing it with more intention and vigor the same way that you do when it comes to getting up in the morning, going to work for 50 hours a week?
So I want to invoke something I learned from a friend of mine and got me working off of something that I’m reading here. This isn’t my own material. My friend’s name is Allana Pratt. She’s a relationship and intimacy coach and a close friend of mine. And one day we were out to lunch and we’re talking shop about what we do. And she said something that was so interesting that I decided to write down. I wanted to share it with you today because I thought you can benefit from it. So it’s gonna be a little challenging. We’re going to go a little bit deep. And I’m hoping you can stick with me on this one.
Allana’s premise is when you are blocked, you’re blocked for a couple of reasons. The one that I spend a lot of time talking about is your fear. Fear of getting rejected. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of putting yourself out there again. Fear of investing time. Fear of getting used. Fear of intimacy. Fear of a broken heart. We can go on and on. And these are fears that are triggered by the experiences you had in your past. What Allana suggests is that there is something that you actually love about being alone. And it’s really hard to untie these two things, so bear with me if I’m not doing this idea it’s proper justice. Since people either avoid pain or seek pleasure, I can spend my time telling you how you’re avoiding pain, but I’m also going to look at well, what’s the pleasure of holding on to your pain and fear and story? What do you love about being alone? Being a victim. Staying cocooned. Playing it safe. What do you love about that? Because there’s something to untangle. There’s something kind of weird and toxic here.
Think of guys you’ve dated in the past and you can think you can justify why you were with them. And this is kind of a tangent, but you meet a guy and he’s good on paper and he wants you and he knows what your baggage is and you have fun together and you focus on the good with him and you sort of discount the rest. And so you stay in a relationship that doesn’t really meet your emotional needs.
Once again, compartmentalize it. Choosing a relationship that’s doomed. And ignoring the things that are dooming the relationship. He’s married. He never wants to get married. He doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t want children. He’s too busy. He’s got custody issues with his wife. He’s going through some hard times at work and really doesn’t know where he’s at. So I’ve mentioned these things in previous podcasts, but you’re choosing those men and you’re anchoring your relationships at a certain place where they can’t go higher. So you’re choosing this life, you’re choosing these limitations. Why? Why anchor yourself here when you can aim higher? Why do you discount all of these flaws? What do you love about long-distance relationships that never pan out? Is it because you can never get real intimacy? It’s that you can keep things in the realm of fantasy? I want to challenge you to think about not just what are you avoiding, but what are you gaining by having these subpar relationships that can’t go the distance or that aren’t even actively making you happy because you’re anxious and always second-guessing yourself and not knowing where you stand or not knowing where he stands. These are choices. They might not be conscious choices, but every second you’re spending with the wrong man, as I say in Love U, you’re not actively looking for the right one.
So chew on this for a second. Why do you choose something that doesn’t work for you and is not going to result in a happy marriage? I got some ideas. Do you think it’s the best that you can do? It’s familiar. You like the attention. It’s better to have somebody than to have nobody. It’s wonderful to have affection, sex, to feel desirable. There’s continuity. Just having someone. It’s a little bright spot in your day. A text to look forward to, a date to look forward to. And so you find yourself in this position where you’re holding on. You don’t let go of these middling relationships. And they don’t die. They just linger. Oh, yeah, there’s this guy from my past. We’re on again, off again. We’ve been seeing each other. Every time I hear these stories it pains me. You’re dancing with the devil that you know. But it’s still the devil. And there’s something ironic in that. That there’s safety in dating someone that’s doomed, someone who’s not right for you. Someone who is emotionally unavailable. Someone who doesn’t treat you well. It’s safe.
Think about that. You know exactly what’s going to happen. It’s a familiar position. It’s actually safer than letting your heart go and being vulnerable and being with a guy who is all in on you. I’m thinking about a future where now the stakes are high, the stakes in these relationships are low. You know exactly what’s going to happen. So there’s something comfortable about dating relationships that are doomed.
There’s a certainty. You’re certain to be anxious. It’s certain to end in failure and tears and heartbreak. It’s certain to disappoint you, but at least you’re not alone. And so what does that affect? What effect does that have on you? Well, it makes you doubt your own judgment. It’s very, very cloudy thinking. It’s my job as your dating coach. It’s my job in Love U is to clarify, what are you doing here? Why do you keep on lapsing back into these patterns? And as a dating coach, not a psychologist, I’m not going to spend too much time on the why. We are not going to spend too much time digging into your past and find out what you absorb from your family or your dad or your first high school boyfriend to make you this way.
pay attention to whether you continually sink your energies into something that’s doomed
However, you got here I honor that. But really, let’s pay attention to whether you continually sink your energies into something that’s doomed to fail and whether you have this black cloud over your head all the time because you don’t trust your judgment. Your judgment always leads you astray. You have the belief that there are no good guys out there when in fact, there’s plenty of good guys out there, you just haven’t been choosing them. You’ve been choosing these relationships consciously or subconsciously, holding onto the memories, paying attention to the good. We’ve got great chemistry. I mean, when we’re together, it’s really good. When we’re together, it really gives us some excuse for everything. The guy can be nice to you once every two weeks, honorary together. It’s good. When we’re not fighting, it’s good. When he’s paying attention to me, when I’m not anxiously waiting for him to text, waiting to hear I love you, or wondering if he ever is going to talk about the future. It’s really great at various points. But for the most part, I’m miserable.
So it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The idea that the guy could make you happy instead of is he making me happy? If we were to bruns your relationship, dip in amber and cement it as it is right now, this guy that you’re seeing, this guy that you are dating, this boyfriend. And we said this today is the rest of your life. Would you want to keep it? And if not, why are you keeping it? Part of the reason I get to stand here and give this advice is that I have the life that I want. I have the life that all my clients tell me that they want. Among the other side of it, which doesn’t make me special at all. It just means that my actions are aligned with my goals.
Please consider whether you love your suffering, whether you love being alone, whether it’s safer to choose these men. Predictably, bad relationships where you accept crumbs. Because at least you don’t have to be alone. At least there’s something going on. But you’ve got one parking slot. Remember, there’s one parking slot, the CEO of your love life. There’s one tenure job. And as long as that job is occupied by someone who’s not suitable for that CEO desk, you’re never really going to be happy. You’ll be comfortably alone in your thoughts, in your head, in your heart. And you’re not being actively rejected. You’re being passively rejected by the guy who purports to care about you but doesn’t ever make you feel safe, heard, and understood.
I know this isn’t easy to hear. I know that this can come across as attacking, and that’s certainly not my intention. My intention is to ask you between avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. What are you avoiding? What are you afraid of and what pleasure do you get out of continually choosing the wrong guys? And if you’re done with that. Do something differently. Don’t just listen to this podcast and watch this video and keep doing what you’re doing. Do something different that is more empowering. And it’s going to get you a different result that culminates in the life that I’m talking about. Now, if you’re my age, you might not be having sex twice a day. But once a day is pretty darn good.
So my name is Evan Marc Katz.
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I will talk to you soon.