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Have you ever dated a guy who would be great – if he changed just a few things about himself? Listen to this Love U Podcast to discover how to determine whether you should stay or go from a relationship. One thing is for sure: if you’re waiting for him to become someone else, you’re gonna be waiting for a LONG time…
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Are you constantly in relationships where you’re on edge? Do you have trouble relaxing when you’re dating someone? Have you had so much relationship drama that you don’t even trust your judgment when it comes to assessing what behavior you should put up with? Stick around for the next few minutes to learn the three options you have when you’re dating a guy. This is simple, powerful and will clarify what you should do when you’re ambivalent about a man and want to know where it’s headed.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Women, and your personal trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Stay to the end of this video to learn exactly how to know whether you should stay or you should go. When we’re done, I let you know how you could apply to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
Now we’re going to get into something that is deceptively simple. I have a phrase I use in Love U. I’ve reduced a long-phrase called overthinking into something called OT. My client in Love U is in my Facebook group and she’s overthinking about something that doesn’t require much of thinking. I’ll just type in OT and she’ll know that she should calm down.
So there’s a lot of overthinking when it comes to relationships but really I want you to do more feeling. So when you’re dating a guy and let’s say you’re a month in and you don’t know where you stand, and the truth is it doesn’t have to be a month and it could be a year, it really doesn’t change.
You have three different choices about what to do. Here are your three choices.
Number one, you can accept him as he is. Now, I’m not saying that you should accept unacceptable behavior. Everything in Love U is about not accepting unacceptable behavior because you want to have a happy relationship where you’re prioritized and your needs are met and you feel fulfilled and relaxed. But you’re not here to change men. In fact, you’re incapable of changing a man. You can’t make him love you. You can’t make him be nicer to you. You can’t make him give you more time. You can’t make him commit to you. You can’t make him into anybody. He’s not your project. So, the best thing you can do when you’re in a relationship is to accept your partner for all that he is, flaws and all, and determine that you could live with those flaws. That is what my wife, thankfully, did with me. She knows what my flaws are. She’s here anyway, and she doesn’t spend all our time trying to change me and tell me what’s wrong with me in the context of our relationship, because we wouldn’t have a very good relationship if most of the time I was being criticized by my wife. So the first thing to do, accept him. If you’ve got a good guy and he fundamentally makes you happy and it’s 95% good and 5% bad and you could live with this for the rest of your life, accept him.
Number two. Try to change him. Complain, nag him. Let him know how much he’s disappointing you on a regular basis. Or maybe suffer silently when he doesn’t call, when he doesn’t pay. When he doesn’t plan. When he doesn’t commit. When he says something cruel or insensitive. When he’s dismissive of you and your needs, you’re very real emotional needs. Try to keep trying to change him. Now, I think it’s really clear I’m not actually suggesting that is an option. That’s what people do the most. They try to change the guy instead of saying this is who he is.
And the third choice that you can make is to leave him. You realize you can’t change your guy, that the guy who doesn’t make an effort to see you isn’t much of a boyfriend. The guy who doesn’t have his life together isn’t much of a boyfriend. The guy who you feel amazing chemistry around but doesn’t make you feel safe, heard, and understood is not your future husband. Get out of the relationship and start over, and it takes courage to do that.
But that’s the only other option, which is to say you don’t have three options when it comes to assessing what to do with a guy. You have to stay and accept and be happy and compromise your way into a lasting relationship that meets your needs or realizes this relationship isn’t meeting your needs. And instead of trying to hold on or project his potential and hope that he turns into a different person or hope, he turns into the person who was the first month you were dating him realize this is all there is. This is all he’s willing to give you. And leave.
Two choices, stay. Go. There’s nothing else.
Two choices, stay. Go. There’s nothing else. If you’re happy and you can live like this for the rest of your life, stay. If you’re unhappy and you feel like you have to change him to be happy, go. That’s it, simple. Believe it or not. Really simple.
My name is Evan Marc Katz.
Thank you for tuning into the Love U podcast.
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Thank you so much.
I will talk to you soon.
PODCAST TRANSCRIPT
Only one comment, and this pertains to something Evan mentioned in the 2nd option regarding how a man responds to your emotional needs, your real emotional needs. What I think Evan meant to say here with his emphasis is that it behooves us all to consider whether the “needs” we’re trying to express are real needs. There are the things we need, there are the things we want, there are the things we can do without, and there are the things we’re better off without (though we may want them). We need to stop and consider which wants are which – before we nag a partner about them, and especially before we leave a partner because of them. Just because we think we want something in the moment doesn’t mean we’ll be better off getting it. And just because our partner isn’t doing what we asked doesn’t mean the partner isn’t listening to us. Listening does not equal following instructions.