I Still Sleep With My Cheating Ex-Husband

I STill Sleep With My Cheating Ex-Husband

Two years ago, I discovered that my husband had a mistress, and they were working together in the same company. When I asked him to leave, he became physically violent with me in front of my son, and the police had to remove him from my house. It was a very painful time for my son and myself, and I cried for a year after.

I was also always checking to see if my ex-husband was still with his mistress. They were together on and off. He told me that he tried to break it off many times but she would somehow find a way to sleep with him again.

A few months ago, I gave him a chance to get back together, but I realized I cannot trust him and he needs help, which he refused to get. Knowing his mistress will always be after him, I finalized my divorce and got sole custody of my son.

Since our divorce, my ex-husband and I have been having sex, and it is really great. We were always very much in love with each other, and our sex life was great except for some activities that I think belong to only prostitutes.

Since our divorce, I don’t care that he had a mistress, since the feeling that he still wants me so much gives me comfort and I feel secure with him. Is it because he is the father of my child? I have tried to date another man, but I couldn’t see the same stability with him. I know I don’t have stability with my ex-husband right now either. I want to be free of him, but it is very difficult. I would like to have my small family back together, and I am afraid that other men might take advantage of me or not care for my son. Please tell me if I am doing the right thing by sleeping with my ex-husband and hoping for a better future with him or should I let him go forever and look for a better future with another man? Thank you.

All women with cheating ex’s who still sleep with you on occasion, and still own your heart, say “Aye”!

Misha

Is anybody else sensing a strong recurring theme from these last few months of reader emails? 

You’ve got elements of the jerk who promises to commit, but never follows through.

You’ve got elements of the jerk who treated you poorly and couldn’t help the people who came onto him.

And, of course, you’ve got elements of the jerk who is so good in bed that he still commands your attention even though he’s a toxic bastard. In fact, I’m not so sure you’re not the exact same writer.

All women with cheating ex’s who still sleep with you on occasion, and still own your heart, say “Aye”!

This advice column is a joy for me in so many ways, and yet I find each email like this so painful. The reason I’m running this one is because I’ve had just about enough of these letters. …

If you’re a regular reader, I don’t know how many ways I can say it.

Your situation is not unique.

You’re not doing the right thing.

You’re better off without him.

Change your life. Lose the guy. Stop waiting for the change that never comes.

You’re thinking with your heart, not with your head.

Your refusal to look at the objective facts is staggering.

I’m not angry at you. I’m angry FOR you. I’m angry because no matter how many times I write the same exact column, literally HALF of my emails are some version of this same question.

My boyfriend:

Cheated on me/Has a porn addiction/Left me two years ago

He recently came back and says he:

Changed completely/Never meant to hurt me/Still loves me

I’m now:

Talking with him regularly/Sleeping with him again/Getting those strong feelings back

Yet he still won’t:

Call me regularly/Sleep with me consistently/Make a commitment to me

What should I do, Evan? I’m so confused.

Trust me, you’re the only one who’s confused.

The rest of us sadly shake our heads at how you could possibly think of staying with this tool. This man who beat you and cheated on you, and has the audacity to come back into your life, completely unchanged. This man who tried to break it off with his mistress many times, except for the fact that she always found a way to sleep with him again. This man who believes you have so little respect for yourself that you’ll take him back in any circumstances.

Are you getting angry yet, Misha? Are any other readers getting angry at me yet?

If so, DO SOMETHING about it.

Don’t shoot the messenger who tells you that your dysfunctional relationship needs to be retired ASAP.

Change your life. Lose the guy. Stop waiting for the change that never comes.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Lyn

    My husband relationship with Karen last for more than 2 years.. Everytime I asked him about their relationships he answers me. He only denies penetrating the girl.. What I did now is asked my husband an allowance for myself which 2k, he pays the house, and all expenses. He pays the daycare too. If he wants sex he’ll pay for it and if he wants to sleep with me ( just to sleep without sex) he’ll pay $100/ night. He’s
    doing it so far.

  2. 32
    lisa

    I am 3 months out of a 20 year marriage. Although I know having sex with him is wrong I can’t help myself. He is my first love, and sex with him is 
    fantastic. Our children know about his constant infidelities and how how he has treated me.They are proud that I finally got out of the relationship.I really feel guilty and used after sex with him. I know this is a bad example for my teen daughter. I try to hide it but they know where I’m going for more than a couple of hours and its not work.  I am really going to try harder to stop.I kicked him out because he wanted to sleep with me and other women, yet I’m still having sex with him. what kind of an idiot does this?

  3. 33
    judy

    Karl 29 – love the answer.
    I just don’t know how women can tolerate this kind of behaviour.  
    He has a large penis which he shares with another woman.  He beats her and that means he loves her.
    Funny.  There was me thinking that a man who loves you is faithful, kind, respectful, loyal, sweet and gentle and is more into protecting a woman than beating her up.
    Oh well. 
     

  4. 34
    judy

    Cam 23 – a most useful purchase.  She can whack him on the head with it.
    Or just……leave.

  5. 35
    Mj

    My husband moved out because “he wasn’t happy” and our divorce was finalized 15 months later. I was devastated. We lived a very comfortable life. I was aware of brief indiscretions on his part but never acknowledged them because I believed they were not relationships…just anonymous sex. He continued to take full financial responsibility for the kids and me while we were separated and even discussed possibility of divorce being a mistake right before it was finalized.
    But divorce did end up happening and I was awarded more child support and alimony than I had expected…as well as other assets….and still felt like a failure. I was model wife and mother… and it wasn’t enough for him to stay. It took another six months…almost two years after he left for me to wake up and realize I was wasting my life feeling guilty …feeling inadequate….feeling insecure and worthless.
    My ex husband is 15 yrs older than me. I married him when I was 22 and immediately gave birth to 3 sons. I was used to being told what to do, when to do it, and how. He was a control freak. And I thought some of the unconventional sexual requests were the norm. I didn’t know how to be anything but submissive because that’s all I knew.
    Last summer he had the boys all summer as divorce specified. I missed them so much and he was good about letting them spend week-ends or inviting me to go with them to dinner or shopping etc. I was so lonely and one night I ended up sleeping with him again. It was passionate and satisfying.
    But it wasn’t permanent. We were divorced. He started coming on to me more and more and we spent a week end away without the kids before school started. Sex and companionship was great and at the end if the week end I told him this was great…. Always wanted a friend with benefits. He was shocked. So not me.
    But it was a turning point. Started dating Felt incredibly good to be popular. Didn’t realize single dads at kids little league game actually thought I was “hot”. And since my ex didn’t like me to socialize with …..well, really, ANYBODY, ….just having interaction made me feel alive again.
    But guess what?? Dated 3 different guys and all ended up being jerks. Only slept with one ( have 5 date rule) but caught him cheating with his office whore and dropped him like a hot potato. He still -2 months later – tries to get me to go out with him – but I’m adimant bout friends only basis anpd I know he’ll eventually find someone else. Refuse to let anyone else treat me like a doormat.
    But I’ve realized I have needs…and whom have I been seeing for that?? You got it. My ex. He’s handsome – a fantastic lover – true gentleman – and comfortable. One nighters don’t feel slutty with him because he was my husband. I’m not really separating love and sex because I do love him…,I care about what happens to him, but I will not become his wife again. He left me for someone else….and still continued to take care if me. If and when I find someone I want to date again the sleeping with the ex will stop. Until then, I’m ok with this arrangement….incredibly enough.
    As long as u aren’t setting yourself up to be hurt again….you really don’t have to give him up completely….couldn’t have done this a year ago because I would have wanted more …, but now I don’t miss him, get along with him fine, and if and when one of us finds someone that knocks us off our feet we’ll be happy for each other. And in the meantime my kids are happy and secure knowing both their parents are in their life, and they are loved deeply

  6. 36
    Jenna

    Amen, Evan. Amen.

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