I’d Rather Have Sex With My Cheating Ex Than With My Devoted Boyfriend

What is wrong with me?? I have been searching for a sweet, wonderful guy. Along the way, I met someone that I adored, but I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. I confronted him and told him that I had to be the only one. He said he wasn't ready or willing to settle down with one person. So, I continued my search and met Mr. Wonderful. He adores me, is ready to propose, but I have a problem–our sex life is not good, and I find myself dreaming about Mr. Two-Timer, who was great in bed. What's worse, Mr. Two-Timer, who couldn't commit, now has a committed relationship with the other woman.

I'm still jealous and feeling hurt over him, while I've got this wonderful guy who loves me and wants to commit. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Can sex, or boring sex, cloud one’s judgment this much??

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Isn’t it a shame there isn’t a correlation between “nice”and “great-in-bed”

(Millions of men who have slept with hot crazy women are nodding right now.)

The truth is that attraction and devotion are two things that CAN go together but don’t INHERENTLY go together. In fact, it would probably be more accurate to state that attraction and devotion are at opposite poles.

(Millions of women who have gone out with non-committal bad boys are nodding right now.)

He was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.

So what’s a nice girl who wants a nice guy with awesome bedroom skills to do?

Well, as a dating coach who tries to train all of his clients to become their OWN dating coach, here’s what I’d suggest: Look at the things you cannot change.

Mr. Two-Timer is a two-timer. It doesn’t matter if you initially adored him, he was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.

Mr. Two-Timer has another 120lbs of baggage, his new girlfriend. Don’t get too upset. She’ll learn his nickname soon enough. Although maybe not until a few years into their marriage. Be glad that he’s her problem, not yours.

Oh, but then there’s the sex thing. Why does sex always have to get in the way of such beautiful friendships?

(Millions of women who want to marry their gay best friends are nodding right now.)

Thankfully, sex is something that can change, especially if the parties involved are motivated to change. If you don’t believe me, consider what you know about sex now as compared with when you were say, 16. Have you learned a thing or two? I sure hope so.

Where things get sticky (not literally) is in trying to finesse HOW to get Mr. Devoted to WANT to change. Does he have any idea that you’re dissatisfied with your love life? Have you been faking your way through the past year? If so, it’s going to come as quite a shock to this guy that, oops, I’ve been lying to you this entire time…. 

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I can only imagine if my fiance suddenly let me know that my mad sex skillz were merely elementary to her. There’d be embarrassment, shame, and a severe loss of confidence. See, that’s the hardest part to fix.

The same way a woman who’s been cheated on will have great difficulty trusting a man if she takes him back, a man who has been told he’s got no game is always going to feel like he’s falling short.

But you haven’t given your guy a roadmap to please you, you’re just hoping he’s got his own built-in GPS.

And a guy who feels like he’s falling short is NEVER going to be confident enough to be good in bed. Let’s face it: being good in bed for a man is ALL about confidence. Sure, it helps to be properly equipped, but for the most part, it’s about knowing what you’re doing, playing a dominant role, knowing when to please and be pleased, experimenting, having stamina, and so on.

All of this stuff can improve with practice. But it is not going to improve until you start letting him know what you need. And that’s where you’ve fallen short, Lisa. You’re not wrong for desiring two men in two different ways. But you haven’t given your guy a roadmap to please you, you’re just hoping he’s got his own built-in GPS. Sorry, babe. Doesn’t always work like that.

Instead of telling him what he’s doing wrong, let him know what you’d like. You want to be tied up. You want to use a vibrator. You want him to take you from behind. Whatever. This guy WANTS to please you, all you have to do is show him how. And if that doesn’t take, there’s always Kama Sutra guides and sex therapists.

But it’s clear to me that you’ve got a far better shot of turning Mr. Devoted into Mr. Spank Me Harder than you do of turning Mr. Two-Timer With Another Girlfriend into Mr. Monogamous.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    christina

    Evan is super-right with a bullet here.

    Also, I’ve had my fair share of dramatic sex with a cheating ex and it was AMAZING. It was amazing because of the drama. I-missed-you-I-love-you-I-thought-we’d-never-do-this-again sex is often going to be way more intense than I’m-committed-to-you-and-want-to-make-you-happy sex. The problem with the first kind is how awful you feel the rest of the time. When you’re not in bed, when he’s not home and you know that he’s with his other girlfriend, when he’s lying to you and you know it. I’d take the person who makes me feel good all the time any day.

  2. 2
    mic

    Maybe the sex isn’t good because the physical attraction isn’t high? Anyway, it sounds like things aren’t going to work out in the long run.

  3. 3
    Honey

    I agree with Evan completely here. If boosting his ego while giving him suggestions is the issue here, you can always preface what you want him to do with “here is a list of things I’ve always wanted in my sex life that I’ve never been comfortable enough to list out or ask for with anyone but you.”

    And, what the heck, make it true! Really think about the things that you want to try that you’ve never done with ANYONE and add them to the list. Go for broke.

    Mr. Two-Timer will not change for you. But Mr. Devoted will. Best of luck!

  4. 4
    Peter

    The reason the sex isn’t good is because she never said she was devoted to him, only that he was devoted to her. After being with a guy who can’t commit, it’s a great ego boost to be with someone who adores you. However, that’s not the same as being in love with him. She never has been (and probably never will be) in love with Mr. Devoted. Time to go out and find Mr. Great in Bed Devoted forever.

    Sorry, no short-cuts in life.

  5. 5
    Loving Annie

    EMK is more optimistic than I am.

    I think if a man is mediocre in bed, it never or rarely gets better. It all boils down to chemistry.

    If a guy turns you on, he is teachable.

    Only you know whether you are physically attracted to this man – or just really appreciate him emotionally and intellectually.
    But if it’s the latter, you’ll end up hating him and cheating on him, and that sucks for both of you.

    The two-timer is a waste of your time despite his orgasmic skills. He’s a heartbreaker and an assclown and hopefully you won’t bastter your self-esteem and risk a disease by going back to him for my tying up and erotic spanking for being a bad girl (lol).

  6. 6
    Loving Annie

    oops, typo “my” had no place in the final sentence. Perhaps it was a freudian slip harking back to memories of an ex-assclown who was great in bed and nowhere else…

  7. 7
    Steve

    @Peter, post #4 , people have great sex with people who they are not devoted to.

  8. 8
    Steve

    Lisa;

    Whatever you do, no NOT talk to your current boyfriend about improving your shared sex life. Start phasing him out or dump him altogether. Go pursue your ex for sex. See if he will leave his new girlfriend, if so get back together all of the way with him.

    Oh wait………..you want to be happy…….never mind. Just do the exact opposite.

  9. 9
    JuJu

    mic,

    one of my worst sexual experiences was with the most handsome man I personally had sex with. The guy was an a**hole and couldn’t care less about my pleasure.

  10. 10
    Melody

    CHRISTINA!
    I agree with you, this has so much to do with the passion that drama illicts.
    It’s a classic case of ‘the chase’ that creates these dynamic sexual illusions (and trust me…they are mere illusions. Once you realize what a creep the ‘creeper’ really is, magically the attraction will fade. Been there done that honey!).

  11. 11
    Lisa

    Well an update on the Mr. Devoted…we broke up 2 weeks ago. Even though he was devoted, I just wasn’t in love with him. I kept asking myself why…on paper, he seems like the perfect guy for me. But the fact remained, I wasn’t in love.
    And Evan, I agree you have to tell your partner what you want in bed, if things aren’t going well. I finally did this with this man, even introducing a vibrator. And for the first time, sex was enjoyable with him. But things just went downhill from there. I think that did hurt his ego. But in his defense, this was a man who hadn’t been having sex for 10 yrs, being in a bad marriage for way too long.
    But anyways, I realized I was trying to be in love with this sweet man, but I just wasn’t ever going to be in love with him. So it’s over, and hopefully someday I’ll meet Mr. Wonderful, who is devoted, and I’m crazy about.
    Thanks Evan!

    1. 11.1
      Matt

      Do you want a nice guy or bad boy? You and every other woman on the planet needs to make up her damn mind already. 

      1. 11.1.1
        jessica

        Do you want a nice girl or bad girl? You and every other man on the planet needs to make up his damn mind already. 

        1. jessica

          What a generalizing and sexist comment. Most ppl want to be loved in the most complete sense. Don’t try and make it into a “ugh girls are so difficult” comment. Committing to someone is a big deal for those who take it seriously, so don’t devalue what people feel if you haven’t felt it yet.

    2. 11.2
      Matt

      Did you ever find someone better?

  12. 12
    Beth

    Evan is right about the whole
    “you’ve got a far better shot of turning Mr. Devoted into Mr. Spank Me Harder than you do of turning Mr. Two-Timer With Another Girlfriend into Mr. Monogamous” thing. I was once in love with a guy. Then I found out that I was the “other woman”, not his only woman. NOT a fun thing to find out.

  13. 13
    JB

    Ya know what I always wonder ??? (And don’t take this personally Lisa) What makes every woman that says “he’s not good in bed” make them think that THEY themselves are GOOD IN BED ?? Isn’t possible that BOTH people can be awful lovers ?? Now granted, the term “good in bed” is an opinion that comes from the one who thinks the other one is NOT so. Why on earth would anyone stay with anyone for A YEAR if they weren’t happy sexually ??? I once dated a frigid woman in her 40’s and I finally had to tell her after 1 month and a couple of no chemistry sexual experiences that we weren’t “right for each other”.

  14. 14
    JuJu

    Lisa,

    may I possibly ask you to be more specific about why / how exactly the sex wasn’t good?

    JB,

    we have to agree on the definitions first. I would say, “good in bed” means the ability and the desire to please the other.

    I personally don’t understand why people don’t just start having sex with the question “what would you like / want?”

  15. 15
    Steve

    @Lisa, post #11.

    Thanks for filling us in. I ready your post as there were 3 things going on

    1. Mr. Devoted was not skillful bed.

    2. You did not find Mr. Devoted physically/sexually attractive

    3. You had no emotional connection with Mr. Devoted, no passion, no romance, not love.

    Is that about right?

    Did you bring the vibrator to bed the first time you talked to him about trying new things?

  16. 16
    Lance

    EMK, “mad skillz,” LOL!

    If you’re not attracted to a person, the sex will never be good no matter how skilled.

    @Lisa: Why is he a two-timer for sleeping with another chick? Were you in a dating phase, and if not, had you established an exclusive thing? When people are dating they are often sleeping with someone else. Happens all the time. I have to point this out, but Lisa never mentioned the bad boy was her BF. You can’t FORCE someone to be exclusive because you want them to have sex with you and only you, which is the impression I got from the letter.

    I get the whole communicating thing where the chick wants better sex and tries to teach her man how to give it, but I want to throw this out there: if you’re teaching your man about sex you’re likely emasculating him, as several people intimated.

    Also, why is the bad boy so good in bed? BECAUSE he sleeps with a lot of women…he’s got the experience, and more importantly, the attitude, that creates a strong sexual vibe. People, you can’t have it both ways. If you want the sexual master, you have to accept the fact that he’s giving his gifts to other women.

    1. 16.1
      Emme

      Not true, Lance. The best sex I ever had was with a kind, loving, devoted boyfriend. I also have friends who have mindblowing sex with their husbands. Just because someone’s good in bed doesn’t mean they’re “bad” or a cheater. What makes two people compatible in bed has to do with many factors.

  17. 17
    Lisa

    JuJu

    With this man, the sex was always the same, over too quickly, and it was like he had no clue that there was anything to sex other than kissing and missionary position intercourse. And once he came, it was all over, without a thought to whether or not I was satisfied. (this is a man in his 40’s too)
    And to JB…you ask how do I know that I’m good in bed? One of my exes said I could do that for a living, it was so good. lol
    But really, anyone can be good in bed if you try new things, and you really care about pleasing your partner.
    Chemistry absolutely helps. With Mr. Wonderful, unfortunately it just wasn’t there for me. It was nice to be adored by someone, and I got caught up in that, but it couldn’t last if the feelings weren’t there for me also.
    And yes, I still can’t stop thinking about Mr. Two-timer. It’s pathetic, I know, but I definitely wouldn’t take him back. He was just an amazing guy. Great job, great body, smart, never boring, always interesting and fun to talk to. He was absolutely a 10. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t what he was looking for. Dating really is hard. We’re either getting hurt, or we’re hurting someone else. But I’m determined to keep trying until I find the right guy for me.

    1. 17.1
      Matt

      Do you think sex can only be great with a bad boy? You’re like every woman who claims she wants a nice guy but then dumps him for a jerk. Women like you make me sick. 

      1. 17.1.1
        Master

        No, she never said that. You’re projecting your own insecurities into the conversation. She’s simply saying that things didn’t work out due to her not feeling the same way. Just because something is perfectly nice, doesn’t mean you have to like it. You could serve someone a meal, made with all your love and emotion, but if one of the main ingredients is tomatoes (and I hate tomatoes) then I probably won’t enjoy the meal. I have no rhyme or reason so not liking the food product–I just don’t like it. The taste isn’t right to me. The texture doesn’t please me. Relationships are similar. Someone can give you their world, but if part of it is just something you really don’t like, then you can try to eat it (for them), but really it would be nicer to simply let them know you don’t like it. Otherwise the faking will breed bitterness, and bitterness will breed hatred and cheating, etc.etc.
        In other words, don’t take out your personal problems on another persons personal problems. If anything can make a person sick, or unwell feeling–it’s ignorance and bullies.

    2. 17.2
      Matt

      Do you think this devoted guy you were dating should kill himself since he is genetically inferior and will never be able to sexually satisfy a woman as well as a jerk? 

      1. 17.2.1
        K

        Where the hell did that come from..

        1. C

          Don’t feed the troll, K.

  18. 18
    Lisa

    Lance,
    He was a 2-timer because I had made it clear from the beginning that if we were sleeping together, it had to be an exclusive relationship. And he agreed.

  19. 19
    Lisa

    Peter, and Loving Annie…you are both exactly right. It was a great ego boost for me to have someone that devoted to me, but the chemistry just wasn’t there. I wasn’t in love with this man, and if I had stayed with him, I probably would have wanted to cheat on him later, which is something I’ve never done, and never will do. So it had to end.

  20. 20
    vino

    Um, how crazy is this situation? Lisa needs to:

    1. Get over the dude who cheated
    2. Cut Mr. Nice Guy loose for his freedom
    3. Seek therapy pronto (see #1)

    Every guy knows a nice guy who’s been screwed by someone like Lisa. Sorry, but it’s pretty likely nice guy will take it as a sign he’s inadequate if you try to ‘coach’ him in sex. And let’s face it, for Lisa, he is inadequate. Why try to change him? The problem here is Lisa…not nice guy. Lisa should go find bad boys & have some crazy hot monkey love, if that is a priority.

    Generally, the ‘nicer’ a person is of either sex, the less hot & crazy the sex is. Generally.

    1. 20.1
      Master

      Once again, we have another man taking out his rejection with thinly veiled flames and insults.

    2. 20.2
      Anonymous

      My boyfriend and I have plenty of fun in bed, and he’s one of the nicest people I know. We just enjoy trying new things, learning from each other, and we talk about what we liked, what we didn’t. Here’s what he tells me clicked for him, because we both get annoyed by the ‘nice guys finish last’ myth: ‘Why should you date someone just because they are nice?’ There’s got to be more to it, and he was tired of people viewing him as ‘just nice’; And he isn’t just nice. He’s funny, reliable, adventurous, caring for so many around him, and in bed, sometimes he’s a goof, sometimes he’s just plain sexy. I was attracted to him ‘some of the time’ when we started dating, but after I’ve gotten to know him, he looks better and better in my eyes. I like seeing him excited about things, or laughing hard at something I did to cheer him up. There’s got to be more than ‘he’s nice’ or ‘he’s attractive.’ Maybe you both love being outdoors, or you’re inspired by how dedicated they are to their job, or maybe you simply enjoy walking through life together.

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