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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
About four months ago, I reconnected with a college boyfriend on the Internet, and we began talking over the phone. Although we currently live 400 miles apart, I will be moving back home, near where he lives, in about six months to be with my family.

He has just recently gone through a hurtful divorce and is now battling to see his daughter. In the beginning, he and I just kept it pretty casual, venting, chatting and catching up. After a while, there were a couple of times he tried to seduce me over the phone. I asked him to not go there, because I was not comfortable going there just yet. He was persistent, and one night, he caught me at the right moment. I normally won’t allow myself to invest in a sexual relationship (if that is even what you call it) unless I am very clear of the boundaries. Also, I have never had a sexual phone relationship before.

I have noticed since this has happened that he is different with me. He still calls; however, now he tries to discuss sex often. And he complains that he has to sleep alone and doesn’t get to have sex because I live so far away and haven’t come to visit him. He’ll also go for periods of time without calling.

In a month, I am planning to go home for a week. I’ll have a chance to visit with him then. I find that I am pulling myself back emotionally many times because I am not sure what is happening. At times I want to just go the other way….far away and fast. However, I really feel like I could (and even think that sometimes I already do) care deeply for him. Yet, I do not want those emotions to cloud my reasoning or judgment. So here I am seeking your advice… can you please help me make sense of all of this?

Laurie

Apparently, it’s Sex Month on my blog. And Laurie, I’m afraid I don’t have good news for you.

You’re the phone sex girl.

It’s sort of like being the out-of-town girl, except, well, you never actually see each other, you just make noises on the phone.

If you don’t recall or are too lazy to click on the above link, this is the definition of the out-of-town girl: If you’re an out of town girl, you have a guy who lives at least two hours away who has been sweet-talking you for weeks or months. Finally, you let him visit you and you have an amazing, memorable, erotic weekend together. The second he goes home, he does the slow fade. No more inquiries about your day. No more cute text messages to say he’s thinking of you. He got what he wanted, and maybe, just maybe he’ll call you again the next time he’s in town. More likely, he’ll call you when the girl in his area dumps him and he needs a quick pick-me-up.

It’s that once you’ve broken the seal and established yourself as phone sex girl, it’s hard to be anything else.

If you’re reading this and it’s sounding familiar, look in the mirror. You’re being used right now. Which is fine, if you’re using him as well. However, if you’re anything like our sweet, original poster, Laurie, you probably have feelings for this cad, which are not being reciprocated. It’s time to cut bait.

Does this mean a woman should NEVER have phone sex with a guy or NEVER sleep with a man after months of long-distance courtship? Not at all. If phone sex and long-distance never amounted to anything, the only businesses left standing would be AdultFriendFinder and some Russian mail-order operation. Listen, I’ve driven to San Francisco to meet an online phone sex partner, and I’ve flown to New York to go on a four-day date with an intense phone connection. They COULD have worked, but only when there’s intent on both sides to make it work.

As a woman, all you have to do is observe a man’s behavior and determine whether it’s the behavior of a man who desires a relationship with you. Exhibit A: he’s recently and bitterly divorced, he goes long periods of time without calling you, and when he does call, he goes straight for dirty talk. Does that sound like Mr. Right to you?

I think your solution is obvious, and the lesson goes out to anyone else reading this.

The problem with being the phone sex girl is not the phone sex. It’s that once you’ve broken the seal and established yourself as phone sex girl, it’s hard to be anything else.

Put it this way: while you’re emailing me about how you’re rekindling long-dormant feelings for an old flame, he’s probably bragging to his guy friends that his ex is getting him off on command.