Should I Ask Out The Man I Just Started Dating?

Should I Ask Out The Man I Just Started Dating?

Evan,

First off, thanks for all the info online and for “Why He Disappeared”. Every time I start to obsess or get emotional now, I take a deep breath and go reread your book.

Last weekend I went on second dates with two men that I’d met online. On one of the dates we had lunch. He asked. The other date, I broke the mirroring rule. When I purchased tickets to the symphony a month ago I figured I would just end up dragging my son along with me. Instead I invited one of the guys a couple of days after our first date. We went, and we had a good time.

Now I’ve just gotten GREAT free tickets to a local concert that I know both men would enjoy. These are VIP box seats with preferred parking etc., and the concert is Saturday! I haven’t heard from either man since the weekend and, while I’m not bothered by this, I don’t want to go to this concert alone (alas, not something I can drag my son to this time).

How do I let the man be the aggressor and how do I mirror while dating when I’m the one with the tickets all the time?

- Meredith

To everyone who hasn’t yet read “Why He Disappeared”:

If he calls, call him back. If he texts, text him back. If he says he wants to get together with you, say you want to get together with him.

a) You should.

b) It introduces a not-so-revolutionary concept that I call “mirroring”. Essentially, when you’re starting to date a new guy, the best thing you can do, to see if he’s genuinely interested in you, is to simply react to what he does. If he calls, call him back. If he texts, text him back. If he says he wants to get together with you, say you want to get together with him. And so on.

The reason that mirroring is so effective is because it honors the way that most men choose to pursue women. We are – in general – much more comfortable with us winning you over than we are with you chasing us down, asking us out, making the first move, and getting down on your knee to propose to us.

This doesn’t mean being arbitrarily difficult or challenging. You should always be warm, receptive and available. You should just follow his lead, that’s all.

Because when you don’t follow his lead – when you start initiating contact and asking him out for dates – you never actually find out how he feels about you.

If you’re doing the initiating and chasing, he may just be enjoying your company temporarily.

Which brings us back to you, Meredith.

You can call up one of these guys and offer him free concert tickets, but is he going out with you because he likes you? Or is he going out with you because he likes music? Or because he’s bored and had nothing better to do that night, so why not take in a free show and maybe make out with you afterwards?

You don’t really know, do you? And you can’t know unless you sit back and let him choose you. If you’re doing the initiating and chasing, he may just be enjoying your company temporarily. But if you do nothing, the only way you’ll hear from him is if he’s genuinely excited and motivated to pursue you.

Finally, the key phrase in what you wrote is this: “I haven’t heard from either man since the weekend”.

And there you have it.

That tells me everything I need to know about how much these men like you.

I don’t know exactly when you wrote this letter to me – was it one day after your latest date with both of them? Three days? One week? All I know is that if it was much more than one day of silence after your date, he’s probably ambivalent about you. Which means that you could ask him out and he may say yes, but it won’t mean much of anything until you let him ask YOU out instead.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Barry

    I guess I’m stepping on a few toes here.
    But it seems fair to put the man’s view.

    You think I’m such a Wus that I should just validate all your “there are no good men” nonsense.
    As Evan says, you never hear men say there are no good women.

    No, women are beautiful, affectionate creatures, and men value them and want to be with them. Its just that women make very stupid dating choices.

    Fiona, I am really sorry about the rejection you experienced the other day. I know it hurts. I lost someone I deeply loved to a ‘friend’ and the trauma was so profound  it took years to get over it (if I ever have).

    However I did point out that focusing on Mr Rich would lead to heavy competition from your sisters who would give no quarter in their eagerness to obtain the prize. Please go back and read it again.
    I say again, would it not make more sense to be open to  men who actually want you ?

    And to justme and grace, I can only say I know many men who are single but do not want to be and they all have one thing in common. 
    But since a few are in their 20s, clearly its not because they are holding out for much younger women !
    You know what the article (written by a woman by the way) said.
    I can only assume you are in denial. 

  2. 92
    Clare

    Barry,

    I think your comments are well-intentioned, but they make me feel a little angry.  If there is one inescapable impression that reading this blog leaves you with, it is that there are indeed many lonely and heart broken women as well who would love to find someone.  Please do not bemoan the chronic state of lonely men to the exclusion of all else and imply, no explicitly state, that women are the problem.

    For every man who has experienced a woman who should give him a shot and doesn’t want him, I can *assure* you there is a woman in the same position. 

    Do you realise that you cannot have a certain number of single and alone men without having an equal number of single and alone women, since men and women exist in more or less equal proportion in the world?

    I am not saying that there aren’t many things that can be done about this, and your suggestion about being open to people who want you is very valid and good advice, but please don’t imply to us that women who can’t be pleased is the sole source of the problem.

  3. 93
    Tom10

    My apologies Barry, I incorrectly inferred that you had issues with women and rejection.

    “women ARE the problem, and if they are not why the phenomenal increase in single men living alone?”

    Well some men choose to live alone, but I accept that many men of all ages are living alone but would rather have a partner.

    However, the universe doesn’t owe men sex. The universe doesn’t owe men or women a relationship. The onus is on each individual to improve themselves and go out and create their own reality themselves. That is what the women on this blog are doing – laudably. 

    Unfortunately I witness a lot of men wallow in self pity or turn to drink / gambling / drugs etc. rather than sorting out their issues. These issues are not the fault of women. Many (most?) women are surprisingly forgiving on a man’s appearance and job if he’s got his shit together.

  4. 94
    Barry

    Clare

    I understand your anger. I could have said that there is a breakdown in relationships that both sexes must bear responsibility for in equal measure.
    That would certainly be diplomatic. It would also be a lie.
    The article, written by a woman, said that there was an increasing number of single men caused by women rejecting the men.
    So I have clearly not come up with this idea in a vacuum.
    How could anyone come to that conclusion ?

    With greater equality, women’s expectations in the work place and life in general has increased. If anything, men’s expectations have fallen.
    These expectations spill over into the dating sphere. Women want better quality men, but now there are even less than before.

    We have a woman on this very thread, whilst bemoaning her single status, has stated that she will only accept men who probably represent less than one per cent of the total male population.
    Other women on the blog have commiserated with her plight.
    This attitude appears pervasive.

    I am not saying any more than Mickey or Frimmel, so why the anger ?
    Could it be because you suspect I am correct ?

    Tom10 – I agree we should take whatever action is required to be more acceptable. We cannot change the attitudes of the opposite sex.

     

  5. 95
    RW

    >> I am not saying any more than Mickey or Frimmel, so why the anger?  Could it be because you suspect I am correct ?

    No Barry, not because you are correct but because you appear to be placing one-sided blame.  Perhaps I missed context somewhere but are you talking about a certain category of women?  Or just women in general?  I am also not as angry or personally offended as I am puzzled about why someone so clearly eloquent as you is arguing such an absurd point.  It wouldn’t be diplomatic to say that both sexes bear the responsibility for the breakdown in relationships; it would be the truth.  I agree with you: women are to blame.  So are men.
    I didn’t read the article but I did see the bits that you quoted.  I didn’t interpret that as “women are the problem” but rather as “women want different things than they have in the past”.  If men are unable to provide what the women are looking for, it’s a two-sided problem, wouldn’t you say?  Women need to adjust their expectations and men need to improve the offering.  

    I would not also say that “women want better quality men.”  It’s just that the definition of quality has changed.  Again, I am not denying that women can be too picky, too difficult, too whatever but so can men.  For every woman who will only accept “less than one percent of the total male population”, there is another who would make a perfectly good wife to men who have rejected her repeatedly because she wasn’t enough.  Enough what?  I don’t know and she doesn’t either.  The world is changing rapidly, expectations are changing but the blame does not belong to any one gender.

  6. 96
    Rochelle

    I agree with this article.  And also in my experience, men who say they “love it” when a woman takes charge, asks them out, etc are just confused about how they feel.  Perhaps they are starting to feel insecure about rejection so they think the solution is for the woman to come to them.  Some also pull away on purpose to “test” women’s interest to see how much she will do to get to them.  I’ve noticed this with a few guys… They would start out being the pursuer  and then out of the blue pull back.  When they did that, I would not contact them.  But eventually I hear from them and they’d be upset if they didn’t hear from me because I don’t initiate contact while they are in withdrawal mode! I’m like well I really enjoyed hearing from you and tell them I’m confused about the whole thing. then they express some sort of fear that I might think they are coming on too strong and that was why they didn’t contact me.  So odd.

     Whatever the reason is,  most men who think women should be doing “equal pursuing”  subconsciously  are not attracted to women who do this. Whenever I tried to initiate anything in the early stages of dating, even when a guy would flat out ask me to contact him and I’d follow through, it never worked out in my favor, especially when I did more than the guy. They’d either disappear or just saw me as a “friend”. And that is what I used to do A LOT.  The guy would act interested if I initiated, maybe thinking there was a chance we’d get physical or he just was bored, but then he’d start to pull away. I got much more positive returns when I started being more receptive and just responding to whatever men did.  It also made me feel more confident as a woman.  Giving him the space to come to you is the most effective way.

  7. 97
    Clare

    Yes, Tom10 and RW.

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  8. 98
    Fiona

    Barry, my take on the guy that chose my friend is that these things happen. He actually spoke to me earlier in the evening to say that he liked us both and wasn’t sure which of us he would be better for. I told him if he liked my friend he should go for her. I did that because I didn’t see a future with a man who wasn’t sure about me. I was a bit hurt but I’ll live.

    As for being open to men who want me that is a two way street. I am open to men who want me provided that I want them too. If I don’t find a man like that so be it. I don’t have an obligation to date someone unless I feel I have something to offer them and vice versa.

  9. 99
    Barry

    RW

    I admit that I am promoting a one sided position, which would normally be untenable.
    I am forced to do so by those awkward things called facts.

    Men are attracted to the same type of women they always have been attracted to. Women’s expectations of men have changed.
    If dating relations have changed for the worse as a result, it can only be due to the gender that changed their expectations – women. That is logic.

    “If men are unable to provide what the women are looking for, it’s a two-sided problem, wouldn’t you say”

    True, both sexes must find a way to deal with the problem. Doesn’t change the fact that the problem was created only by women.

     “….and men need to improve the offering”
    Well women’s comments throughout this blog seem to reiterate this demand. But a demand is usually followed by a threat ” … or else”
    Or else you will reject us. That is indeed what you are doing.

    OK, like it or not, the ball has been thrown into men’s court.
    Are the demands reasonable ? Are they achievable ?

    Look at what women are asking for. Read this blog ! “We want men with significantly higher than average income because ….”
    Right. You want the average man to have above average income. Mmm, and the maths on that work how ?

    “No, its Ok” you say. “We are not interested in average men anyway – we deserve better than average because …”.

    So demands are not achievable for most men.
    Exceptions to the rule are just that.

  10. 101
    Robyn

    re: “The number of single men living alone between the ages of 45 and 64 has nearly doubled since 1995″….
    If the UK is anything like the US – based on my personal experience – there are a lot of men in this age group who don’t want to re-marry or even live with some one (for a variety of reasons). They are choosing to remain “single” and live alone.
    In the 21st century men don’t have to get married or form a monogamous partnership in order to get laid (unlike 50 years ago), so many of them don’t marry (or delay marriage).
    This is one significant reason for there being a lot more men that are in the “single and live alone” category than 20 years ago.
    FYI: Rutgers University did a big study on all of this that was published about 2 years ago.

  11. 102
    Joe

    Wait, Fiona is upset at a guy for doing what she told him to do?

  12. 103
    Liz

    Its actually the quarter percent. I agree our expectations have increased, rightfully so, based on our opportunities, earning potential and education level. Also, for me, I have to tell you, while I would be very happy with a man that pursued his education to the level that I have, but choose a profession that was nobel, such a teaching, it just hasn’t worked out for me. 

  13. 104
    RW

    LOL Barry, I DON’T say it’s okay.  I never have.  Neither does my circle of friends or acquaintances.  We are all in our late 20s and early 30s and the many are in long term relationships or are married.  We are of varied ethnicity and met our spouses/partners in many different ways…through the interweeb, in person, through family, etc, etc.  So to me, you and those of your mindset are the exceptions.  I realize obviously that my little corner of the world hardly speaks for the masses but that’s just the point.  Your opinions are highly subjective and based on a certain subset of the population.  You cannot possibly maintain that all women everywhere are the problem and are preventing men from having meaningful, lasting relationships.  And yet that’s what you posit.  As for those awkward things called facts, you haven’t given me many beyond quotes from articles that need to be interpreted.

    @Frimmel
    Thanks for the link.  Interesting read if a bit long.  She makes many good points and I agree with some of them but she also generalizes and provides some one sided views.  The basis of her article is “what is wrong with women today”.  Point taken.  All I am saying is that there is enough material to write a “what is wrong with men today” article.  The video was over the top.  The article by Heartiste was over the top.  It’s all very well to be bitter and believe that the other gender is out to get you but that doesn’t help anyone.  I’m really sorry for your bad experiences but I repeat….for each one of your bad experiences there’s a woman out there who has experienced the same.

    Looks like we will just have to agree to disagree.  Evan’s put up another article…I’m off to read that and offer my two cents ;) 

  14. 105
    henriette

    @Barry 100: “Men are attracted to the same type of women they always have been attracted to.”
    Well, Evan wrote a post awhile back showing a study comparing what men & women looked for in a spouse many decades ago (I believe it was sometime in the early 50s) and today.  While women had different priorities today, so too did men.  If I recall correctly, men today care significantly less about home-making skills, shared religious beliefs and character when looking for wives and much, much, much more about looks. 

  15. 106
    Clare

    Yeah, I just find myself shaking my head at Barry and Frimmel.

    I have a 33 year old guy friend who claims that he would love to be settled down, but always goes for wild and unstable 18 – 22 year-olds and then is baffled that it doesn’t work out. I know MANY guys like that.

    It’s not that you are incorrect that women sometimes have unrealistic expectations. Many of them are chasing the rich, handsome, well-educated bad boys.  But many men are also chasing young, hot, totally unsuitable women.  Have a read through Evan’s blog again and count the number of stories you come across about men like this. it probably runs into the dozens or hundreds, just on this blog alone.

    As I say, it’s not that you are necessarily incorrect that women could adjust their expectations. They could. It’s that you *blame* them for the “breakdown of gender relations” to the exclusion of all else. It’s ridiculous, and not supported at all by the “facts”.

  16. 107
    KO

    OK, Who is rejecting whom here?
    Perhaps dating should be defined.  If I, as a new middle-aged divorcee (who has no problem attracting younger/same age/older men), but has no interest in “dating”am not interested in games, ploys or otherwise self-defeating practices, don’t pony up to a guy- or let’s say, think the guy is sincere in friendship opportunity or GOD FORBID, is attracted- am I, per se, supposed to “manage” the cues?  (excuse the run-on sentence).  
    It seems to me that women are receptive and are trying to clue men in but they get skittish, gun-shy, THINK women only want one thing- a relationship.
    What if, let’s just suppose, that a woman actually is interested in a man and wants to hang out (whatever) because she actually has commonality and wants to share- with or without expectations.  Let’s also suppose that “said” woman is interested in you as a man but not in a romantic way.  Or perhaps, she is attracted to you as she would be any potential person/friend- but becuase she is not physically attracted, a man rejects all efforts.  Or here’s another scenario- a woman meets a man and they are developing what seems to be a comraderie/frienship and she expressed a newfound desire?  How does that fir into the equation?
    Does being intersted or dating equate with wanting a romantic or intimate relationship?  NOT FOR ME!!  I do not want to be pursued and I certainly hope/pray that if a man thought that was what I wanted then he would be set straight with my honesty and candor.  Likewise, if I was getting to know a man and truly had a rapport, I would certainly hope that he could take it in the same light- “Here’s a bright, fun, passionate woman who is seeking me out.”
    This whole mirroring thing- a setback, a game in my mind.  If I meet a potential friend- whether male or female- it’s either a GO or a NO-GO.  If it develops into romance or consensual sex without strings or, again GOD FORBID, a romance, then jackpot.  You have a new loyal friend.  If you have to play games with timing and who communicates when and who is the “prize” or who is the “stricken” then 86- jettison.  after all, if you have a high- maintenance friend that rags yet never returns your calls, what do you do?  86.
    It is indeed the 21st century.  If some women want to be pursued, pursue them.  If some women want to have open dialogue and communication, reciprocate.  Men have to follow cues as aptly as women.  I, for one, have no time for games, mirroring, misogyny, ambiguity, disappearance.  If it’s a one night stand, there are no illusions.
    “I yam what I am”- Popeye
    Does every date have to lead to a longterm relationship or marriage?  What if you just want companionship (and sex) with some longevity?  This whole thread started about a woman who pondered if she should ask a man out and digressed to why women are so difficult.  Really?  Men are the ones that think women have unrealistic expectations, yet we know EXACTLY who you are.  And we still heteroseuxally minded- irrefutably-  want you.  So suck it up.  And be gentlemen- enough with the disappearing, never-call-again scared BS.  It’s called common courtesy.

  17. 108
    KO

    And please excuse the typos- was on a roll………I know how to spell.

  18. 109
    Helen

    Been married happily over 14 years now. I approached hub first, not just the first time, but the first two times.

    nathan and Teddie brought up a good point earlier that got lost in the shuffle. It’s this: most relationships don’t end up successfully, regardless of whether the man or the woman approached first.  There’s no evidence that the majority of successful relationships for our modern era - which I define as long-lasting, happy, and healthy – are ones in which the man pursued.

    I object to the notion that women shouldn’t pursue men because it makes some men uncomfortable. (short of stalking, of course; no one should stalk) A lot of things about dating and relationships are uncomfortable, for both men and women, even after we get married. If you care about the other person, you will deal with those discomforts. If a man is turned off by a woman who approaches, then he wasn’t into her in the first place. If she’d done nothing, he still wouldn’t have been into her.  

    We might believe that relationships are less successful if the woman pursues because of a psychological effect called the availability heuristic. Because it’s rarer for women to pursue, we notice when they do, and we notice when those relationships fail. We don’t pay as much attention when the man does the pursuing and the relationship eventually fails, because we think it’s “normal.” In fact, it’s normal that most relationships fail, regardless of who did the asking.

    To thine own self be true. 

  19. 110
    KO

    Amen, sister.  14 year marriage, 18 years total just ended.  And I’m supposed to be pursued?  Thinking not……Nor do I intend to pursue- but show my attraction?  Well, hell yeah!!  If I happen to stumble upon because all I want right now is sincerity from either gender- friendship mostly- but you have to spend some time to develop. And I think- you either like somebody or not- first impression.  This mirroring/disappearing act thing as a “response” or “tactic” to achieve or prove a point……..makes no sense to me.  Can’t buy in. So if I’m a lonely old spinster sitting on a shelf like a dusty unclaimed trophy, so be it. I will survive.
    And when I mention friendship in regards to both genders- that’s what I mean.  I love men- strange creatures that they are.  And women as my sisters- high maintenance as we may seem.  But it is what it is.  We either click or not.  And sometimes the click becomes a clack.  So why waste an opportunity to get to know someone?  You might get lucky and get a life long relationship.  Whether friendship or lover or companion or all of the above.  Yes, ma’am.  To thine own self be true indeed.

  20. 111
    Karmic Equation

    @KO and @Helen

    I think it was in Sherry Argov’s book, Why Men Love Bitches, where she states (paraphrased) “Women fall in love in a man’s presence and men fall in love in a woman’s absence” and “Men equate ‘longing’ with love.”

    If you’re always in a man’s presence, you’re not giving him the chance to miss you. And him missing you is one of the keys to his falling in love with you.

    Mirroring his interest in you gives him that opportunity to miss you and also for you to assess his interest. If he contacts you, he likes you. If he doesn’t, it means he doesn’t. So NOT contacing a man *you are interested in* is important for several reasons:

    1) Because if you contact him, you’re not “absent”

    2) Your unsolicited contact, whether by text, email, or phone, is perceived in a man’s lizard brain as chasing him…most men don’t like being chased. The ones who don’t mind may lack the confidence you seek in a mate.

    3) And most importantly, IMO, mirroring challenges a man. Men are used to interested women “chasing” them. So if you he knows you are interested but you’re not chasing him, he wants to know why, he starts wondering about you and thinking about what you’re doing when you’re not with him…and this wondering helps him miss you…as well as motivates him to take actions to try to turn you into the chaser he’s used to interested women being…

    My mirroring (and absences/disappearing early in my relationship) won me a devoted boyfriend (a reformed player who was very used to women chasing him) who recently asked me to marry him…I had to deflect (I didn’t outright say no, but I certainly didn’t say yes) as while I’ve come to love him, I’m not sure marrying him is such a good idea for me.

    I don’t consider myself as having played any games to get to this point in our relationship. But I do feel strongly that his falling in love with me and asking me to marry him would never have come to pass if I pursued him and was constantly in his presence. I gave him opportunities to miss me and long for me and in so doing, he put me in a different category than all those other man-chasing girls in his life at the time. Of course, being unique in a man’s eyes is not enough to obtain a commitment from him–you actually have to BE special for him to want to commit to–easy to get along with, feminine, sweet, sexy, and above all confident and secure. The “tactics” only get you so far. You have to BE worth committing to for a man to actually commit to you.

    If you want to attract a tiger, scenting the trail with the smell of carrots is not effective. If you want a relationship with a man, you need to know what HE wants from a woman, not what YOU want to give him as a woman. What makes YOU feel good as a woman doesn’t necessarily make HIM feel good as a man. I highly recommend reading Evan’s book and also Sherry Argov’s book to help clarify this difference.

  21. 112
    Kathleen

    Great well written summary Karmic Equation 112!.

    I love Argovs book and Evans book too and now have greater clarity than I ever have. I was married most of my adult life and the last 4 years of dating has been quite an education. I just wished I had known these concepts earlier but better late than never. 

    I like your point about the guys who don’t mind being chased being lacking in confidence. I prefer a masculine energy confident guy so these strategies are now working well for me.

    I just had the conversation with a pursuer who wants to sleep with me that I prefer being in an exclusive relationship so Ill see how that plays out  (thanks again Evan for that video that made that conversation simple!)

  22. 113
    Karmic Equation

    Thanks, Kathleen. You might want to read the archives on manslations.com. It’s a lighthearted, yet useful, way of looking at how woman can’t see the forest for the trees when it comes to men and relationships.
     
    I bought the book, but the book is based mostly on his archives. His book is a condensed version of his website, in less rambly form and with more commentary. His “golden rule” and “two questions” and how to apply them are the key takeaways. And you should be able to get them from just reading the archives.
     
    Good luck with your new potential guy…

  23. 114
    Rebecca

    Evan, thank you.  I’m 44 years old and have been single on and off since my divorce in 2008.  I wish I had found your advice about mirroring a long time ago.  I’m currently (sort of) dating someone for 2 months, and I did everything wrong. It’s doubtful that this relationship will be salvaged, but the amazing thing is, I’m not sad about that, I’m actually LOOKING FORWARD to dating for the first time in a long time.  I can’t wait to try out the mirroring technique with men I meet.  I think it’s going to be a total game changer for me. THANK YOU!

  24. 115
    Susan61

    It’s been a week since date #4 with a man I met online.  He is 5.5 years younger than I am.  We met just over a month ago and all four dates for me, at least, were fun and exciting. We really did seem to hit it off.  He emailed me the night after our last date which was a week ago (Saturday night).  His email on Sunday night was very brief and just said he was “tired” but we had joked via email about being tired after our other dates. He did not say “but it was worth it…” or “but it was a lot of fun …” which he had said in prior emails.  We did not have sex but we did fool around. There is definite “chemistry” and I realize that is not necessarily a good thing (chuckling at the absurdity of that statement).
    He left something here, something he doesn’t necessarily need or could easily replace and yesterday I was very tempted to send him an email to let him know.   In the spirit of “mirroring” on Monday I sent a very brief response to his very brief email.  I mirrored the tone of his email which to me, was not that good.  No response, and here it is a week later.  Yesterday I was very tempted to send another funny and clever email (we have had pretty awesome email banter) about this item but I talked to a friend who told me to give it another day and sleep on it.  He remains active on the dating site we met on.  
    After reading Rochelle’s comment #97, i realize he may be doing this pulling back thing as a test.  Of course, this is all conjecture but it feels like a game of chicken – who will give in first.  I’m sure he knows I’m attracted to him and things may have gotten a little too intense and passionate too soon (I”m coming out of a four year drought…)
    I read Nathan’s and Julia’s comments as well.  I do think at this point, only four dates, I should still be mirroring.  If he is pulling back to test me, it seems like a power play.  I do worry that my short email was not encouraging to him but we had just had a fabulous date that ended in a passionate make out session.  So he knows I like him.  His “Tired…” email was frankly not that encouraging to me either
    While I wish I could just be a full human being and do what I do with any other person who left an item at my place, (in retrospect I should have included it in my email response but I forgot) his seeming fade-away and lack of response to MY email response is giving me pause and it appears he is looking for better options online.  He has kids and 50% custody so I know that keeps him busy but he could have easily sent a text or an email to check in and he has NOT.  I’m sad about it as I did have some hopes for this guy.  It appears the dates were more fun for ME. 
    So I’m not going to pursue this man after four dates.  When in doubt, do nothing.  I’m not sure how to respond if I do eventually hear from him.

  25. 116
    Nicole

    @Susan61, it sounds like this guy has totally moved on.  Don’t do mental back flips to convince yourself that he is testing you or is too busy to call.  While four dates is too early to be in love with anyone (for you or him), I think that a guy who still wanted to keep you as an option would have been in touch by now.  And guys who don’t want to risk a woman getting away won’t keep them wondering.
    Clearly if he calls again you can decide how to proceed but I think that if you have anyone else in the queue, you are doing yourself a disservice not to move on.

  26. 117
    Susan61

    Thank you, Nicole.  Admittedly I was hoping for a different response. Even a friend’s boyfriend convinced me tonight he is going to call eventually but I think I know better.  Thanks again…..

  27. 118
    Susan61

    Actually, I believe we had some miscommunication and he may have taken something I wrote as a joke in an email reply to him the wrong way.  I decided to email him today about the item he left at my house and I was amazed to learn I was right.  We cleared it up so now we have a date (and he asked me, I did not initiate).  This will be date #5.  This thing could certainly could still go either way,  but I’m trying to enjoy the dates as they occur, just have fun with him and not project so much into the future.

  28. 119
    Phoenix

    First, I wanted to say EMK – I love your blog and enjoy reading and re-reading the various posts. However, one thing has always been a stumbling block for me… the notion of never initiating early contact… For the past year, I’ve heard so many online men (> 50) tell me that I seem uninterested because I’ve been practicing the mirroring tool. So that is why I truly appreciate the variety of responses to the OP. 
    Jenna, Nathan, Teddie, Clare, Frimmel, Soul, and Helen – thank you for adding diverse opinions to this topic! I think that each of your responses highlight the fact that there is NO answer &/or rule that will apply to each and every situation. So mirroring is a great tool but that doesn’t guarantee a man will decide to invest in a relationship. 
    I am finding that when I am confident and focused upon loving myself (FIRST), then all dating decisions that I make – have better results… 
    I know that we all wish that love, dating, marriage, life — would all fit into a simple algorithm but alas it does not. We will have to take risks. The best we can do is to experience life, learn from mistakes, and commit to loving ourselves fully. 

    1. 119.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Phoenix: “First, I wanted to say EMK – I love your blog and enjoy reading and re-reading the various posts. However, one thing has always been a stumbling block for me… the notion of never initiating early contact… For the past year, I’ve heard so many online men (> 50) tell me that I seem uninterested because I’ve been practicing the mirroring tool. So that is why I truly appreciate the variety of responses to the OP.”

      Phoenix, thanks for the kind words. Sorry that you haven’t yet purchased my products to fully understand what I’m advocating. I 100% recommend women writing to men first online and then letting the men take the lead. Mirroring works like a charm to reveal if a man is truly interested in making an effort for you. Please don’t conflate what I recommend offline with what I recommend online. And if you want a deeper understanding, read Why He Disappeared for more on mirroring and Finding the One Online for more about writing confident, flirtatious first emails to men.

  29. 120
    J

    I do not agree that women should avoid being the “aggressors.” It’s not fair for men to do all the work. And women should not have to be passive. Both parties should participate equally. 

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