Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women?

Hi, Evan.

I’m 41, happy with my rounded self, smart, direct, and articulate.

I’ve been told that my lack of dates is due to:

1) Men don’t like smart, direct women, and

2) I’m centered, which sends the message that I don’t need anyone.

Are men really that insecure? I’m certainly not going to be less than I am just for someone else’s insecurities.

Tell me honestly, Evan – are there any good men out there who appreciate a woman who knows herself?


Hi, Evan:

I don’t know what is going on and why I’m lacking luck in finding Mr. Right. I am educated, refined, and a self made millionaire by age 34. I am good looking. Many men, women, elderly, and children of all ages have told me so. People also told me that I am one of nicest and sweetest people they have ever met. Even though I am 36, most of the people I meet would think that I am only 26. Unfortunately, I have been through all kinds of online dates in the last two and a half years. CEOs, doctors, lawyers, hedge fund mangers, business owners, professional athletes, actors, etc… When I am not interested in them, they work for the relationship day and night. When I am committed to them and act nice and devoted, they start to look elsewhere.  Anyway, in short, I need some serious help and hope to hear back from you soon.  Thank you.



Great letters. Important question. But first I want to start off with a hypothetical email from a man.

Dear Evan,

I’m what you’d call a “nice guy.” I make a good living, I’m pretty attractive, and I treat women well. In fact, all of my female friends comment on what a great catch I am. But then I see those same women dating jerks. Yet they would never consider going out with me! So what do you think? Am I cursed to be alone just because I know how to be kind to women? Isn’t being nice a good quality? What’s wrong with women these days? Please let me know.


It’s not BECAUSE a guy is “nice” that he’s not attracting women.

Men reading this might empathize with Jason. Women reading this may feel bad for him, yet also want to him to know that it’s not BECAUSE he’s nice that he’s not attracting women. It’s because he’s doesn’t have masculine energy. It’s because he constantly seeks the approval of others. It’s because he’s not sexually aggressive. It’s because he sacrifices his personal power to be conciliatory. These are common attributes of nice guys, yet nice guys think that women don’t like nice guys BECAUSE they’re nice.

Not true. Women want nice guys – nice guys with opinions who stand up for themselves and know how to take control.

Smart women are very much like nice guys.

“I’m intelligent, I’m direct, I’m successful, yet I can’t seem to find a quality guy who appreciates me.”

Men like smart women. I do. My male coaching clients do as well. So how is it that all these successful men are not connecting with all these successful women?…

Because there’s much more going on than merely a meeting of the minds.

What never occurs to some women is that:

They’re being evaluated on far more than their most “impressive” traits.

These traits sometimes come with a significant downside that is painful to acknowledge.

Take me, for example. I’m a reasonably bright guy. I make a fair living. I can write a decent joke. These are my good traits. But right behind my good traits are a series of bad traits. Anyone reading this blog can see that:

…Despite her impressive credentials – attractive, successful, intelligent – she might not be giving men what THEY WANT.

The flip side of being bright is being opinionated.

The flip side of being analytical is being difficult.

The flip side of being funny is being sarcastic.

The flip side of having moral clarity is being arrogant.

The flip side of being entrepreneurial is being a workaholic.

The flip side of being charismatic is being self-centered.

Again, not EVERY person who is bright is opinionated, and not EVERY person who is funny is sarcastic. But there’s enough anecdotal evidence to suggest a strong correlation. And I’m just talking about MYSELF here. And if my good qualities come with bad qualities, have you considered that yours might as well?

So when I hear a woman talk about how “direct” she is, the first thing I think is: “She’s tactless.” I wrote about this in an article for Match.com entitled “Are You Honest… Or Overboard?” Self-proclaimed “direct” people often tell their dates what they think about them even if the date didn’t ask. They often try to change partners who have no desire to be changed. When the partner pulls away because he doesn’t want to be with someone so critical, the “direct” person concludes that he couldn’t appreciate her “honesty.”

If this makes you feel personally indicted, welcome to the club. I’m a “direct” person as well. I write things that are, to say the least, provocative…and yet I always get surprised when I receive angry emails from readers. Hey, I’m just being honest over here! What are you getting so upset about? 😉

See, there’s a price to pay for “being ourselves.” And if you’re going to express your opinion, you can’t be surprised if other people disagree with you. And if you’re trying to win each argument, you can’t be too shocked if he wants a woman who can be a little more acquiescent.

I don’t know Catherine and Michelle. But I do know that they are not alone. Maureen Dowd, the Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for the New York Times, wrote an entire book about this, called “Are Men Necessary?”. One of her main observations is that if an amazing woman like her could be single, there must be something wrong with men. What she doesn’t acknowledge is that despite her impressive credentials – attractive, successful, intelligent – she might not be giving men what THEY WANT.

Why don't men like smart strong successful womenWhen a man goes out with a woman, he’s not as concerned with whether she’s articulate and on track to make partner at the law firm. That’s what women want in men and they assume it’s of equal importance to them. It’s generally not. Men DO value intelligence, but they also want from their girlfriend what they CAN’T get from their business associates. Warmth, affection, nurturing, thoughtfulness. If he finds himself constantly hearing all the things he needs to change, he may just determine that he wants a bright woman who is less challenging. Not a Stepford Wife. Not a bimbo. Not a maid. Just someone who makes his life EASIER and more pleasant.

Listen, I’ve spent my life chasing after women I’ve intellectually admired. Invariably, all of them had major issues with me. They’re not wrong for seeing things I could change. But a huge reason I’m with my wife is because she spends her time loving and supporting me, not challenging me on everything from movie tickets, to travel plans, to wake up times. She’s easy, in the best sense of the word.

Men want from their girlfriend what they CAN’T get from their business associates: warmth, affection, nurturing…

This is a real dilemma. You’re undoubtedly a great catch. You can teach us a thing or two. You are a go-getter and worthy of everyone’s respect. But if that go-getter side ends up emasculating your man, or makes him feel insignificant, or second-guessed, he’s not really getting what he wants out of a partner. Men want to feel masculine. We want to feel needed. And with a generation of women who pose questions like “Are Men Necessary?” it’s pretty difficult for us to enjoy our role as men. This doesn’t mean you should play dumb, or be weak and needy, no more than the nice guy should start acting like a jackass. It might mean, however, turning off some of the things that make you “successful” at work. This is a bitter pill to swallow, perhaps even a double standard. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that “hard-driving, opinionated, and meticulous” are not on most men’s lists of ideal feminine traits.

As someone who considers himself smart and direct, take it from me – there’s nothing wrong with these qualities. But if it also coincides with being difficult, dating might be a long, tough road for you.

It certainly was for me.

P.S. Want better results in your love life? For a deeper understanding of what qualities you should be looking for in a man, I invite you to check out “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever”.

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  1. 691

    Some of you ladies are the reason why other women continue to have relationship problems. Here is the deal straight no chaser. Many women use words like “Strong” and “independent” as covers / defense mechanisms for being ALONE. Why are you alone? Simply because you missed the memo on what men like. Many of you have a problem compartmentalizing / separating your work life and behavior from your relationship/home life. Relationships are not a competition for who’s running the show! If you continue to view things that way, you’re going to get one of 2 things; either a beta male door mat who you’ll eventually lose respect for or you’ll constantly get into it with men, while you then try to figure out what happen after he moves on to a woman who is less difficult to deal with. Ladies, you aren’t going to change us. This is how we are wired! If you do, then you’ll complain that we aren’t man enough and you will quickly lose respect for us! What further complicates your situation is that many of you then seek advice from other bitter, lonely women who feed you even more bullshit about why you as a group are alone. When asking for advice, perhaps you should consider the source. Why ask friends for advice, when they’re just as clueless as you are about men? Where is the logic in that? I grew up in a family where my mother, aunts and cousins are all educated, highly paid executives. With that said, they still found time to take care of their husbands/families and are still ALL married to their original spouses’ today. THAT’S A STRONG WOMAN FOR YOU! HERE IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD REMEMBER!!! A good guy doesn’t want a weak, door mat but we also don’t want someone we are going to be going to battle with when we get home. What many of you fail to see is that we work with Men and Women at work every day where we compete and debate daily. Like you, when we come home we don’t want to have to also do it there. Another issue many of you have is that you just don’t want to do the work! Work meaning, many of you feel that a guy asking you to make him a turkey sandwich is him casting you back to some subservient role from the dark ages. It’s not! You know that warm feeling you get when you get flowers at work with a little card that says “just because”? That’s how we feel when you cook us dinner Lol. Just like you want to feel secure, appreciated, loved and protected, we also like to feel cared for, loved, appreciated and needed.   Here are a few more helpful hints that might help you.
    1) Do not tell your friends what goes on in your relationship. It’s private between you and your partner and it violates trust!
    2) If you can’t do stereotypical women things, then be prepared to give him a pass when he can’t change a tire or set up your Roku!
    3) Stop listening to women who are also single. If they knew so much they’d be in a relationship or married.
    4) “Don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem” –Lauren Hill… Don’t come off like a total B*itch. We like soft and nice! If we didn’t we would date men! 

  2. 692
    Chris Anderson

    Men do like strong and successful women, we don’t like weak women who need to point out to everyone how strong they are. In order to be considered great, a man has to conquer Europe, Asia and America and keep them an empire for 500 years, invent the internal combustion engine, be the first to fly nonstop for 100 yards, kill a wooly mammoth and date the Queen of Sheba. Sorry if we are not so easily impressed with your argument ice nature that you try to peddle as strength.

  3. 693

    You know, I’m a woman, and I want a sensitive, nurturing man. Strong, powerful men don’t appeal to me at all. Just how few women have you actually gotten to know, anyways? And why do you think it’s okay to make generalizations about women?

    1. 693.1

      Who are you responding to Hannah? As to somebody making generalizations about women, well people here make generalizations about both men and women. Like the generalization that men are worthless after 40. Stick around and you will see that one more than once.

      1. 693.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Um, Garret, nobody has ever said men are worthless after 40. The entire “manosphere” claims that women are worthless after 30. Get your faulty opinions straight.

  4. 694

    Nobody said YOU say that,but it has been said in the comments, many times, and that is what I was talking about. Shall I do a search and find them? Usually this comes in threads such as the “why don’t women in their 30s want men in their 40s.” and other such threads, or whenever the issue is raised about dating younger or older. Sorry if I gave the impression that this has been said in the articles you write, because I know it has not.

  5. 695

    Also, what is this manosphere you speak of? MRA’s? I have news for you, MRA’s are no different than Feminists. For instance, some feminists absolutely hate men and have made statements on things such as Tumbler that would make you eyes bug out. But, there are also feminists who don’t hate men and just want equality for women. So should we judge all women by those who have the most radical opinions? The reality is, Feminists are not a homogenous group, and neither are men who care about men’s rights. I care about men’s rights, but I don’t hate women. Is that the litmus test for caring about men’s rights? Must I hate women in the process?

    I don’t subscribe to any MRA sites, but I was directed to one by a feminists when I was participating on Experience Project. She claimed that the author of an article was advocating rape of women. So I went to the article. No he wasn’t. He was an idiot, however because he wrote an extremely long article. The point of the article was not that he advocated the rape of women, but that he was against the justice department sweeping the rape of many men into a lesser category by insisting that without penetration, the man could not be raped. So to make his point, he tried to to the “A time to kill,” thing where Matthew McConaughey closes with a speech substituting in a white girl being raped and left for dead, for the all white jury, in hopes that they would empathize better. Well that’s what he did. Wrote on an on saying that rape wasn’t rape, basically, the idea being that people would get angry, and then he literally asked if it made you angry and then said it should, and then went on to show how what he had just done to women was in fact being done to men by the justice department.

    So that was an eye opening experience for me on my first experience with MRAs. So when I hear people act as if they are one homogenous woman hating group, I know better.

    Do some MRA’s think women are worthless after 30? I am sure some do, just as some women think 40+ men are worthless. Do all of them, or even most of them? I highly doubt it. That would be too much like saying that most feminists hate men.

  6. 696

    The entire “manosphere” claims

    One last thing Evan. I find this to be beneath you. Even using the term manosphere is wrong. Men have legitimate complaints, and yes, there men who are absolutely nutjobs. That is no different than feminists. Some have valid concerns, and some are nutjobs. But what you, and others do, when you use the terms MRA and “manosphere,” you create a situation where debate is stifled. But for some, that is the entire point. Those who do not like debate use a tactic, and the goal of that tactic goes like this, a woman can proudly proclaim that she is a feminist, it’s a badge of honor. But a man cannot proudly proclaim that he is an MRA because that is a badge of shame.

    By tilting the playing field in a biased direction, it stifles debate in favor of the side doing the tilting. Like this…I have debated some feminists on other sites, but the minute I try to stand up for men, I get labeled an MRA as if that is the end of the story. Like Rush Limbaugh. If they can label me and MRA, then nothing I say is to be taken seriously. Well, isn’t that ironic, because some would label me as being part of that “manosphere” because I dare to speak up for men, and yet I do not hate women and I certainly don’t think a women are worthless after 40, let alone 30. Even at 50+ a woman has value IMHO. While at my age I have no desire to marry one, when I am more age appropriate for them, I would see high value in them, just as I do women who like me are in their 30s. I would never expect you to label women a Feminazi every time one said something like “I’m 26 and get creeped out when guys in their 30s hit on me.” yes that is a comment on your site. Nor would I expect you to claim that all Feminazis claim the same thing. That is that one girl’s opinion/attitude. I would hope that you can extend men the same courtesy that you extend to women, even though men aren’t your core clientele.

    1. 696.1
      Evan Marc Katz


      *I* speak up for men who are misunderstood by women. By aligning yourself with MRAs (and Rush Limbaugh) (and calling women Feminazis), you cease to be taken seriously because you’re already aligning yourself with a “side.” I have no agenda – my loyalty is to truth, reason and fairness. So feminists get annoyed with me, MRAs get annoyed with me, PUAs get annoyed with me – and all that means is that I’m probably doing a good job not taking a side.

      So yes, I will call you out when you say something that is narrow, stupid or misogynist – at least as it pertains to my core readership. Just as I routinely tell women to get over their negativity, soften up, be patient, and trust men. Any feminist or MRA who comes to this site to criticize me for not taking their side is clearly cherry picking results. I’m an equal opportunity critic. Women don’t like it when I criticize them. Men don’t like it when I criticize them. But BOTH deserve criticism when they get selfish, mean spirited and narrow minded.

  7. 697

    You totally missed the point Evan.

    See, I do not aligg myself with “MRA’s” nor do I align myself with Rush Limbaugh, nor do I call women feminazi’s Not sure why it was so hard to understand what I was trying to say so let me try to be more clear.

    First, I responded to a woman questioning somebody making generalizations about women. I noted that generalizations are often made about me, giving on example, and yes women have done that on this blog…not you…once again I note that you do not do that, at least not about the over 40 aspect.

    You then jump on me with this manosphere thing. Here you do generalize men, at least men you see as being MRA’s. While I will agree that some MRAs do that, I severely doubt all or even most do. Most MRA’s probably don’t even consider themselves MRAs Those that people call MRAs are really just the fringe nutjobs. There are plenty of MRAs out there that don’t hate women and really just want some fairness, especially in divorce and family courts, and that is the extent of their MRAness. But when they try to debate this stuff, the MRA label is tossed out there as if by doing so, the debate is over because no MRA is to be taken seriously. Now not surprisingly, when the MRA’s attempt to do the same thing insisting that Feminists are all extreme man haters, everyone is quick to point out that this isn’t so.

    Next point is that you aren’t really equal opportunity here as you claim. I 100% believe that if I were to say, “Guys in their 30s, like me, have zero interest in women in their 40s, and every guy in his 30s that I know gets creeped out by these 40+ women.” You would be quick to correct em that there are in fact men in their 30s who date women in their 40s. yet several times I have seen girls in their 20s claim that girls in their 20s don’t want to date guys in their 30s and are creeped out when 30+ guys hit on them, and yet I and every 30+ guy I know dates women in their 20s. But I never see you correct those statements. And so of course you don’t then accuse them of just being radical feminists (what some call feminazis).

    I am not an MRA, but I do care about men’s rights. Why wouldn’t I? But I don’t like the term MRA because some people have successfully gotten people to equate that with hating women. Is that fair? No. Why would it be fair? Because a few have written radical things? If that is the case then we can equate feminists with hating men because some have written very hateful things and expressed extreme hate for men.

    My point is that we should keep the terms correct. Mysogynist for woman hater, and Misandrist for man hater. the term MRA should not be used for woman hater, and feminist should not be used for man hater. While some MRAs hate women, and some feminists hate men, not all of them hate the opposite sex, so it is a disservice to both to use MRA/Feminists to label hate.

    My point to you is that you toss out the terms MRA and Manosphere, to describe Mysogynists, but wouldn’t dare to do the same with the term feminists, and you wouldn’t ever use the term femininazi to describe women, even the nutjobs among the feminists.

    1. 697.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      ” But I never see you correct those statements.” That’s because they’re not that radical. A 29 year old woman stating that a 40 year old man is too old for her is just her opinion. It’s not man-hating, nor is it “feminazi”. It’s the same as a man declaring he prefers a woman who is fit to a woman who is overweight. You can say this without saying that all overweight women are worthless, you know?

      Finally, to my detriment, I HAVE used the term feminists to describe man haters (even though that’s just a portion of them), so please stop telling me what I’ve done. Fact is, most men on that JustFourGuys blog are angry, cheap, and misogynistic. The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

  8. 698

    “A 29 year old woman stating that a 40 year old man is too old for her is just her opinion.”

    I see what you did there. LOL I specifically pointed out the 26 year old girl who stated that a man in his 30s was too old and that her and all her friends were creeped out by those 30 something guys who would ask hit on them. The 30s age she specifically mentioned was 32. A few men called her out on that, saying that if she had a problem with a 32 year old guy she was messed up. It is on this site. She brought it up every time age was made an issue. It ridiculous because her statement is that the vast majority of 20 something women want nothing to do with men in their 30s, and that is not even close to true. Most guys 35 and under that I know date women in their 20s and early 30s.

    I also see women claim that men 40+ are basically all duds for one reason or another, but that a god many 40+ women have straight got it going on. I don’t deny the second part but the first part isn’t true.

    I don’t subscribe to the notion that some men here do, that women are worthless past 30. I personally think a woman’s worth with regard to her age depends greatly on the age of the man. My belief is that she is at her peak value when she is just a little younger than the man. Like around 4 to 7 years, and just off peak a few years either side of that. Just my opinion and I understand that not everybody has the same opinion.

  9. 699

    Thank God, Im with a boyfriend who loves me unconditionally despite my stubbornness and strong mindedness despite not wanting to work in the private sector. I really think it depends on the woman’s profession, social economic status, her morals/values, outlook on life, types on interests she WILL NOT give up, her friends and family and their opinions, how good she is in bed, how great of a cook/maid she is, whether she falls within the guy’s physical type etc on why a man would want to be with her to begin with and vice versa

  10. 700

    Woman have not become more like men in the last 40 years. Sure, you have careers now, but you’re missing the active ingredient of masculinity: Men know how to relax. Most women these days really need to take it down a few notches. Watching you all running around between the gym and girls night out and the careers all the while on your phone. It just looks ridiculous. Take it easy! Play a video game, have a drink, stop talking for a few minutes. Just stop!!!!! Life will still be there if you sit still and breathe.

  11. 701

    Today it is all about money for many of these type of women which years ago both men and women had to struggle to make ends meat.

  12. 702

    I don’t think someone’s resume factors in at the emotional level. I will “respect” you more for your success, but I ultimately just want someone who I can connect with.  Similarly, I don’t expect other women to care too much about my education, salary, travel experiences, etc.  I figure she just wants someone who will make her feel loved, accepted, and comfortable.

    1. 702.1

      Then you haven’t dated too many women.
      If a man ain’t makin’ the bacon, he ain’t datin’. That’s just reality.
      And by-and-large, he better be makin’ some good bacon, because most women want a man who makes more than them, and more women are making more than ever.

  13. 703

    Because society seems to be trying to reverse gender roles. Men are now basically women because society will not accommodate our aggressive nature. Likewise, women are now men as they are required to compensate for our embarrassing lack of manliness. Neither of these gender role reversals are attractive to the opposite sex.

  14. 704

    Well, well! I notice that all the posts with those black symbols in them are apparently written by women who positively support the author. Now there’s a coincidence.

    1. 704.1

      Thanks for the laugh of the day. Those black symbols were a result of a computer virus that attacked WordPress years ago and I never bothered to manually clean it up. So what you are seeing, you crazy conspiracy theorist, is nothing more than a coincidence. A lot of people agree with my obvious stance. The only black mark is on you for an astounding ability to make something out of nothing.

  15. 705

    It’s not about being dumb and needy being a turn on, nor male insecurity, it’s about not being attracted to girls that are Opinionated and Inflexible.  Unfortunate traits of many smart/successful girls.  If you can still be cool (flexible, giving, open minded), than a smart successful girl will win over a dumb/needy one every time.  It’s not the vocation that makes a girl un/attractive, it’s her attitude.

  16. 706
    Jake Eagleshield

    My wife is brilliant,a power player in business,and earns more than I do. A LOT MORE! I could not be more proud of her. The men you speak of are children,who have real ego issues. But please do not pigeon hole us all!

  17. 707

    Simple answer.  Maybe the men that YOU like are afraid of strong and successful women.  The man that women say they want and the man they actually respond to emotionally are two different things and leaves good men on the side lines.  When I say good men, I don’t mean non attractive nice guys who kiss your ass and beg for dates.  I’m talking about guys who have all the bad boy traits but stop at the being reckless with peoples emotions part.  It is said that women mature quicker than men and I call BS on that.  Maybe when it comes to paying bills, keeping your place clean, and basic responsibilities yes, but not when it comes to the men they pursue.  Perfect example is Sandra Bullock and Jesse James are you kidding?  Then she freaks when the tatoo’ed biker bad boy cheats on her and us men watch this happen around us all the time.  Maybe not all women are so extreme but from what I’ve seen in my time on this planet, most women have that need for a bad boy.  The worst part is that a “bad boy” in reality is just a little boy who gets no respect from their male counter parts and takes it out on women.  Women seem to flock to this types.  What would this type of predatory guy want with a woman who asserts herself and has actually made something of her life?  They thrive on women with low self esteem and successful women are not that.  I personally won’t date a woman that is not strong and independent.  Unfortunately they are all out looking for Mr. Wrong so the pool is very dry from the perspective of a guy looking for a strong woman.  Plus if you are a millionaire would date somebody who isn’t?  Male millionaires are in love with telling people what to do, being in charge, and being surrounded by young girls with low moral fiber, so what would they want with a strong assertive women?  At least in their age range?  I am not a millionaire… yet (Diligently working on it) but I would not be afraid to date somebody like you because in the end it doesn’t matter how much money or accomplishments you have,  you’re still just a human being like everybody else and that’s how I treat everybody.  The fact that you have drive is huge plus in my book and in many others.  Maybe think hard about what type of guys your are pursue or are interested in.  I don’t know you but I’d be willing to bet the answer to the issue is in there.

  18. 708

    I am going to throw it out there that you are all correct. Love isn’t a thing or something you find. It is something inside of you that shines through you into the hearts of others. To say that love is just about two people is not quite true… Everyone in your life becomes involved. It may seem like there is no point to what I am saying but there is… The bigger picture.. The purpose of love… I believe from immensely intense study and experience beyond my comprehension still… That love plays the role in decision making that counter acts fear. It will lead you onwards. So a relationship does this for you… And this is why no one can really have a rule book for us all because what is wrong for another is right for another… I am sure that what we view as a lack of commitment from the outside may indeed be viewed as commitment from the inside. And all of this being said, if love drives you on and helps you let go… Then I in something that inspires us… And I cannot fathom a world in which this peace is not possible for everyone. Maybe there are some who are never meant to find love… But I know that some of us do and that it is nothing short of a miracle. And that person may be someone already in your life whom you do not see properly yet .. Or it could be the next person you have an argument with… Look at the bigger picture… Maybe chase what you know needs to be chased by you… And until then… Keep wishing on shooting stars.

  19. 709

    Many strong successful independent women today would’ve had it very tough if they ever had to struggle like the women of the old days did.

  20. 710

    Because men need to feel needed, and need ta masculine way to give everything for a women.

  21. 711

    Men do like smart women, the problem is aggression not intelligence
    The answer is very un PC but here you go:
    It is for the same reason that women don’t like weaker more vulnerable men
    Despite all the intellect a person has there really are dominance and submission instincts deep inside people.  Very aggressive women typically need a very aggressive man

  22. 712

    This is something that is interesting to me because of personal experiences. I was married to a man who i thought was always really supportive of my success. This was until his endeavours in life failed and he started to resent me.

    I am driven ambitious and astute but I am also soft and feminine and supportive. With him i believe I stopped being that way and probably did emasculate him at times. However i felt he forced my hand. I paid the bills because he couldn’t I also did all of the housework all of the DIY the taking care of us all of the things I would have loved him to have supported me with and done together. It became like I was the mother of a petulant teenager and in that role i struggled to be anything but overtly strong just to keep things going.

    I am with someone new now it is early days just over a year we are living together and he is super supportive. He is also working on some of his other endeavours if these fail I have worried it will go the same way. What is different this time is i have made it clear from him what i view of success and it really is not how much money you earn its the ability to keep getting knocked back and keep trying. I earn enough money I don’t need that to be supported I feel supported when someone can take care of the DIY duties, can say oh honey you have had a hard day and run me a bath, someone who will listen to me about my day and support me emotionally. I hope that understanding that and keeping communication open about what both of our needs are the key to our future success.

    The ability to be able to be soft even vulnerable with someone comes with the proof and trust that they are the kind of the person you can do that with.

  23. 713

    Strong women…where?
    Oh, the high heels, make up, tight clothes, perfume, glossy maine and tits out walk has given you the impression your an image of strength. Silly girl.
    Maybe its the education you didn’t pay for, or could it be the extra human rights women are afforded (child custody, abuse) or could it be that women are employed over men or they are less likely to be made homeless, get stabbed or shot or the shit kicked out of them (not just a couple of digs). Or, is it possible that you don’t know what your really talking about as your still young and are full of hormones and western feminist indoctrination

    1. 713.1

      Mmmm, nope I paid for my education. My house too. I was too busy providing for myself and my children to give much thought to a glossy main, heels, and makeup. I had to provide. C’est la vie.

    2. 713.2

      Lets not forget their false eyelashes and fake fingernails that many of them have these days.

  24. 714
    lynn oliver

    This problem will become worse in time. The belief boys should strong and girls protected is still here, and it is now creating very real and very large differences in achievement by girls over boys. The belief boys should be strong is allowing more aggressive treatment as early as one year of age, increasing through adulthood by parents, teachers, and peers. Also there is no kind, caring – mental, emotional, social, verbal interaction or support for fear of coddling. In addition, boys are “only given” love an honor on condition of some achievement or status. Boys not achieving are given more ridicule and discipline to make them try harder. All of this is creating higher average layers of stress that hurts learning, motivation in school; more activity for stress relief; higher muscle tension that hurts handwriting/motivation to write; and more failure at school. This s now creating many boys with very low self-esteem and lower feelings of selfworth, for they must continually generate love and honor through some achievement. This then leaves what esteem and selfworth they do have very low and very threatened.
    On the opposite side or the girls’ side we have much more continuous, love, honor, and care simply for being girls from infancy through adulthood. We are given much more kind, caring, mental, emotional, social, verbal interaction by parents, teachers, peers, and others. This creates lower average stress for more ease of learning, attention; lower muscle tension for much more ease of handwriting; much higher social vocabulary for better reading/writing/motivation to read and write; more kind caring support and better more close communication with teachers/others; and in addition, * a tremendous freedom of expression that many girls and women have used to give verbal, silent abuse, and patronization with impunity.
    Many boys are now failing in school, and girls are doing much better, even now indicating they are more superior to boys. Boys have a long history of parents, teachers, and girls ridiculing them for any weakness or failure, not to mention they already have much lower levels of esteem/selfworth to begin with. So they see a much more successful girl or woman. Their minds are already filled with much ridicule from parents (usually more Female), teachers (usually more Female), and girls and boys (boys not nearly as much due to having faced more confrontations so have more compassion), but yes, girls much more so, for young girls, we know, have much more freeness expression allowed that only increases with more success.
    Now those boys grow up, and they are much more prepared for such reactions and treatment by girls. The media is not helping either by using our freedom of expression and more success in the information age to cast more ridicule and derision of Males, boys and men. So when they see a very attractive, successful girl or woman, their minds are already receiving many many messages about the more than likely negative reaction or treatment from those girls or women. Their minds are already very low in esteem and selfworth. Unlike girls and women the esteem and selfworth of boys and men is a much more precious commodity these days. So they are not going to risk it when they have so much experience in their history of dealing with more successful girls and women. I fear this gulf in communication and trust will hurt society and women, not just boys and men in the long run. We must begin treating boys better to have any chance of more equality and better relationships.

  25. 715

    24 pages on this? Wow, it seems to have hit a nerve.
    I am one of these highly educated, smart, confident women who ends up with guys telling me I challenge them all the time. Problem is: I don’t have the feeling I do.

    I listen, take into account their opinion, compliment them, I’m supportive, I know how to say “Sorry”, “I’m wrong here”. From time to time I am convinced about something and I won’t budge but on many other things I don’t insist.

    Yet, no matter what, men feel threatened (except the weak kind I really don’t like).

    I have the feeling that no matter how I behave, it’s all wrong.

    1. 715.1

      The problem is simple. They are jealous of your success. Which is ridiculous. Because I don’t know a lot of women who would be jealous if their husband is successful. On the contrary, they would admire him and be very proud to be seen with him.
      I do for the life of me not understand why so few men are able to feel that way about their high achieving wives.
      There are exceptions thank god. No matter that he is a cheater I think Bill Clinton is genuinely proud of Hillary. Just as Barack admires Michelle. Or George Clooney admires his wife (there is no doubt that she’s the smarter one in that couple). I also have the impression that the young guys find it important that their partner is successful in her professional life.

      And it really does not make sense that a woman cannot be successful and feminine at the same time. I know many totally unfeminine housewives.

      BTW, to all these guys who complain about how they have to compete at work, would it not be good to tone the testosterone a bit down and see your colleagues as human beings instead of enemies. I think you would be a lot more productive and less wound up when you come home.

  26. 716

    I found this article by mistake. Here’s my situation. I have to battle in my business everyday. I would give it all up for the love of my life! However, there are no guarantees and I can’t just assume that my man would take care of the finances. So, I have to plow ahead. Exhausted and lonely. Meanwhile, women I know, with no career, meet great guys willing to finance their entire existence. I want love. I want an easier life (i’m middle aged). Someone who enjoys what I do. I want to be a girly girl! It’s hard to be both a business owner and a girly girl.

    1. 716.1

      Beachgal, I feel you can have what you want, and actually have an advantage in that your business allows you to broaden your horizons. By that I mean you can date a rugged, decent looking construction worker. You don’t have to find a man with money. The key is that you have to adjust your mind so that you can see a man like that as a prize. A guy like that isn’t going to stay with a woman who acts like his boss. So maybe you can learn to compartmentalize your life so that you are the tough boss at work, but the soft girly girl at home? Maybe learn to look at it as a benefit because you don’t have the responsibility of being the tough girl at home? Learning how to slow down and relax is the hardest part.

    2. 716.2

      …do your business during business hours, become a girl during non-business hours…

  27. 717

    I like strong successful women although I have yet to meet one who is good for me. Problem is strong women usually lack the geminine required for healthy relstionship sex. They rip your balls off with their strength and then dint want to sleep with you because your nir tough guy enough.
    Women mistake POWER for strength.

  28. 718

    I’ve heard and read similar stories as this blog … and yes I have experienced it a time or two. This nonsense starts at an early age, i.e., elementary/middle school. For instance, a Girl Scout Training Instructor shared a situation that happened to her Daughter. She was a straight A+ student, active in school extracurricular activities … very well rounded and balanced young girl. At some point, she became influenced by her classmates to stray away from that and her academic performance started going down. The school contacted her Parents for a conference with her Teachers, Guidance Counselor and the Principal. Daddy questioned the Daughter what’s going on. Her response, “If I am too smart, the boys will not like me.” Hearing this ticked Daddy off and he slapped her back into reality … yes, he slapped her. He put grounded her for the remainder of the school year and she had to bring her grades back up to an A+. It worked like a charm … that same Daughter graduated at the top of her class all the way to Law School and now has her own Law Firm … happily married with three children and her Husband is very loving and supportive of everything she does (and vice versa). He’s retired Major from the US Air Force last year and is a CEO of his own IT Consulting Firm.

    Sadly, even now, in 2015, Women STILL are being brainwashed with this same nonsense that was imparted into that little girl … “If I am too smart, the boys will not like me.”

    Seriously, what’s REALLY up with that???

    1. 718.1

      Intelligent – I don’t believe for a second that guys want a woman who is dumb.  They admire intelligence in a woman.  However, they are no different than us in that they don’t admire a know it all.  How many women see themselves as intelligent, but come across as a know it all?  Of course they will end up among the women claiming that men can’t handle a smart woman.
      Strong – Men want a strong woman.  A strong woman can resist the bad boy charms of an Alpha playboy.  A strong woman doesn’t allow her friends or family determine who she can love.  She doesn’t need their approval.
      Successful ‘ Many women are have a strong instinctual habit of hypergamy.  Thus it can be understandable if this puts them off.  I believe that if the fact that you are more successful than him does not affect how you see him, or treat him, then he will relax about it.  In short, treat him just like you would if you earned less than him, or about the same amount.  Learn to find ways to minimize the fact that he is not the bread winner.  For instance, have a joint account that some of your money and his money goes into.  Then, when you want to go on a vacation that he could never afford to take you on, he can pay for it out of the joint account.  You decide that you want to go to Rome for a week, so you approach him about the idea.  You both come to an agreement that you will go, and when you will depart and return.  So then you look at him, give him a kiss, and ask if he can pay for the tickets from the joint account.  This way it isn’t in his face that you are paying and he’s along for the ride.  Even a woman who does not work would not want the man rubbing it in her  face that he is paying for everything, which is why they like to have joint accounts, and pay for things out of that, instead of having to go to him every time she needs money.
      I think it has more to do with your attitude about these things, and how you act, than any of those three things.  A man still wants to be a man, and treated like a man.  I would be willing to bet that the strong woman treats the former Major in a way that is pleasing to him, even if only in private.  Men still like a woman who an be ultra feminine, even if only occasionally.  They still like a little bit of Aegyo, or baby talk.  Note I said a little bit.  Too much would become irritating.  Men still like for you to be b it demure sometimes.  Soft, vulnerable, cute, affectionate, nurturing, patient, etc…  Adjectives related with begin feminine are all going to be attractive to him in moderation..
      If you take yourself so seriously that you can’t do those things, can’t be soft, cute, vulnerable, then he isn’t going to see you as strong.  He will see you as other things, maybe afraid to let your guard down maybe, but he isn’t going to see it as strength.  Maybe insecure, so afraid that if you let your guard down, you will never be taken seriously again, but that isn’t strength, and he will recognize that.
      On the flip side, if he is so insecure that he can’t deal with you beating him at a game of tennis, or basketball, or Battlefield 4, then he is the one with the problem.  If you beat him at everything, he might, however, begin to worry that you won’t respect him, and start looking for a more Alpha man.

  29. 719

    You know, it dawned on me – I never actually went to a forum and said “I don’t need a lawnmower”. If you actually don’t need something, you don’t even think about that. So when a woman says “I don’t need a man”, from my experience, she’s just bitter. 

    The funny thing is a lot of people think you can choose who you are drawn to. That would be excellent, just imagine if you could just decide “broccoli and raw salmon are really healthy, from now on I choose to find that combination delicious”. So what makes you think that men or women act in a rational manner when they pick a mate? To me women complaining men don’t like successful women (or men complaining women like jerks) and saying they don’t want to change anything about them is like the department of health complaining that people like fast-food and there isn’t anything they can do about the obesity crisis. They just don’t get it.

    People don’t care how successful you are, they care about what THEY get from their relationship with you. They also care about how you make them FEEL.

    Now honestly, men don’t like to date women which are significantly above their level in terms of status. Women, on the other hand don’t like to date men which are significantly below them status-wise. This is actually hard wired in our brains. A male would not have risked attempting a pass at female higher in status 300,000 years ago because the alpha male would have smashed his brains in with a rock or a club. A female would seek the highest status male she can find and enjoy the benefits and protection associated with that. Our society evolved, our brains have not. All those hard wired instincts are there.
    Money in our society offers status so if you are a very successful woman, you pretty much prized yourself out of the market. An engineer making 300k will probably have a harder time finding another job at the same level compared to a guy that makes 100k. With women achieving parity with men in terms of earnings, it would mean about 50% of women will have a hard time finding a mate at or above their level. 

    So shouldn’t millions of men change to accommodate women needs? Are women really asking that? A man not finding you attractive is simply going to move on to the next woman that he does find attractive. The only person who cares about your well being is YOU (and your mother probably). Nobody says you have to change, really – it’s a free society. 

  30. 720

    Something most women will not hear: while possibly ”strong”, ”independ” blablabla, what they fail to do is contain their weaknesses (arrogance, overcompetitiveness, egocentricity, you name it). Sorry, you can be as successful as you want, but no one (even other females) is going to be attracted (whether platonically or romantically) to you, if you don’t treat people as deserving of respect.

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