What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit

What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not CommitDear Evan,

I have been dating a man for nearly three months now and in the beginning everything was fine between us. He used to do things with me, but I was wondering why he never introduced me to his friends or why he never wanted to come over my house. After 1 1/2 months I realized that he started to change. He didn’t call meanymore and he started to see me less. I once broke up with him for a week, but we got back together again and now he has even less time for me. He doesn’t answer his phone automatically anymore when I call or he keeps it turned off. I’ve become real frustrated and mad with him. Now I haven’t talked to him for a couple of days to see if he would call me, but he doesn’t and I still see that he is online at a dating site. When I met him he was overweight, but started to lose so much weight. Now I have the feeling that he is not serious with our relationship and still wants to see and meet other women. Please tell me what to do.



Thank you, Ingrid, for the cringe-worthy email of the week.

Let’s quickly recap:

  • 3 month relationship. Half of it, he’s been acting different.
  • You broke up with him because he wasn’t seeing you enough.
  • Now that you’re together again, he’s seeing you less.
  • He doesn’t return calls. He doesn’t initiate calls.
  • Has lost weight and is dating other women online.

And you need me to tell you what to do?

If you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.

How about I refer you here?

And here.

And here.

And here.

See, Ingrid, you’re not wrong for being confused or feeling frustrated at this guy. But from where I sit, your issue is not that unique. In fact, it’s the most popular question I get from readers.

“I really like him, but he doesn’t commit to me/call me/treat me well. What do I do?”

So instead of saying “He’s just not that into you” for the 400th time, I want to use your letter to illustrate a favorite concept that I discuss with clients.

It’s called “mirroring”.

Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.

If he calls you, call him back….

If he texts you, text him back.

If he tries to make plans with you, make plans with him.

If he tells you he loves you, tell him you love him back. (presuming, of course, that you do).

On the flip side, it also means that:

Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.

If he doesn’t call you, don’t call him.

If he doesn’t text you, don’t text him.

If he doesn’t make plans with you, don’t make plans with him.

If he doesn’t tell you he loves you, don’t tell him you love him.

This isn’t my version of “The Rules.” I’m not suggesting that you play games or refuse to return his calls or any of that crap. I’m saying that you should continue to be as real and authentic as you can be.

Just let him take the lead.

Because as I’ve said a number of times…

Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.

If he calls, if he makes plans, if he commits, he’s interested.

If he doesn’t – if you feel you have to remind him that you’re alive and interested – let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.

It hurts to hear hundreds of women asking me the same exact question and genuinely struggling for the answer that’s obvious to everyone but them.

So once and for all, to all the women reading this: You deserve a man who WANTS to be with you, not one who acts like he’s doing you a favor by returning your call.

Please, send this article to all of your friends and let them know as well.

There’s no reason I should have to write this again.

But we both know I will.


Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (86 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 61

    If a guy doesn’t commit, or tells me he doesn’t want to commit, that means no sex for him. Also, until a commitment is agreed upon by both people in the relationship, then each person is free to date other people and explore their other options. If it’s right, then both people will feel it and discuss it together. If not, one or both will move on.

  2. pingback
  3. 62
    Julie Farrell

    Wow… well I guess if you need to know that badly you can do the ‘mirroring’ thing. However, I think it is already obvious… and it seems like any more time wasted on this one is showing how little self-respect you have.

  4. 63

    SomeOldBloke — Not rude at all, just very straightforward and honest. . . especially the  part about “fun.” I used to think this restless, thrill-driven, conquest mentality was  just a sign of immaturity due to youth…something men would eventually tire or “grow out” of; and that’s probably true for many men. But sadly, I know men who were players from Day 1, as far back as high school,  and who are now in their late 50’s, 60’s, still “proud”that they never settled, and still telling themselves — despite the reality of their lives — that they’re still desirable to much younger women.  It will never cease to amaze me. Thanks for your post.       

  5. 64

    Zann don’t you find that they have to have money or something cool going on with them for young women to date them? I know one younger woman who finds a man charming because he USED to be a rock critic for a magazine…something cool and they can’t be short and fat and bald unless they are rich enough of course.  That does not hold true for most women (or men) there are gold-diggers of both sexes Notice how men on Match like wealthy women also? It works both ways these days. 

  6. 65
    Misty Solomon

    Wow! This is the best advice ive came across yet. Thanks !

  7. 66

    i am also in the same situation and its now a year
    ,i will have to do the mirroring thing

  8. 67
    Mr A. Teo.

    I’m a chinese man from Singapore, who had spent around 5 years studying & living in London.  I just wish to high-light a few important and factual points about people and our precious life.  Firstly, we ought to know n accept there’s not  a single human being on earth who is 100% perfect.  So, if i have a friend or a spouse who is perfect up to 8O%, I will be very delightened & contented.  Secondly, we’re all alive n living here only temporarily because our spirit  will have to return permanently  to where we came from.  So, do not be too pre-occupied and over concerned on what we should eat, what clothings we need to wear and the type of dwelling we seek to live under.  Pray n communicate with your Creator daily for revelation and follow obediently the path He wisely set for you.             

  9. 68
    True love

    We’ll thanks for the advice it is very helpful n the steps I need to take. I have know this guy since hight school I was n 9th and he was in the 11th played football he was in the n crowd. I was a shy track star that stayed to myself. As years pass I ran back in to him he when I came to visit my family. At that time I had 1 child. Remind you still shy as I was sitting in his apartment he was very sweet and respectful,but with my shy self told him I had to go and I did. I liked him then, but I lost his number so I can keep in contact with him. It didn’t made any sence to me to start something I couldn

  10. 69

    Hi Evan,
    I am not sure how many times you have published this article. It was my first time reading this to it’s entirety.  All I can truly say with deepest sincerity is thank you for this and what you do.
    I’m glad I subscribe to your newsletters.

  11. 70

    What’s so ironic here is that people make fun of the High Maintenance Woman for being shallow.

    Yet there is not a single High Maintenance Woman who needed to be taught the concept of Mirroring.  I wouldn’t dream of calling a man and making plans.  If he’s lost interest and can’t be bothered to make plans or call me, then the last thing he is is worth my time.  Keep your self-respect, ladies! 
    In the proverbial words of Beyonce,
    “I can have another You in a minute. Matter of fact, He’ll be here in a minute.” 

    1. 70.1

      Uh, well I’m a low-maintenance woman and I also didn’t need to be taught mirroring. U don’t need to be high-maintenance/shallow to have self-respect :p

  12. 71

    @Helen #32:
    “He was particularly harsh about a thin, nerdy, sweet guy, insinuating that there was no way this guy could satisfy any woman…kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful, and a great scientist.”
    ” They think we like certain types and rule out other types, and sometimes they have it completely backwards.”
    That is so true. I’m surprised so many guys think women only like beefy square-jawed alpha types. That thin nerdy sweet gentlemanly scientist sounds like an AMAZING catch to me, way sexier than a very muscular ‘hunky’ swaggering player-type…I think it’s partly cos when I was a teen, the male stars in some drama serials I watched were the “Sensitive New Age Guy” type. The guys I grew up with were also total sweethearts. <3
    And interestingly, quite a few studies have shown women prefer FEMININE looking men, especially for long-term rships. I generally do, I was more attracted to Jude Law types than to  Arnold Swarzinager types. I read that it was hypothesized that perhaps these softer featured men were associated with positive ‘feminine’ traits like loyalty and kindness…I brought this up cos I’ve realised many guys think the hypermasculine square-jawed guys are desired by all women. (I’m not saying square jaws are ugly–look at Brad Pitt–but not all women think those men are the hunkiest)

  13. 72

    I like the mirroring him advice . This is something that I do .when I stop calling him ,then he started calling me this was in the beginning.he works a lot so I don’t see hum much I complain,he says we are not in a relationship I was speechless

    1. 72.1

      This is where I agree with Rory’s circular dating advice. When you start dating a guy, make it verbally known to him that until there is a verbal agreement of exclusivity, there is no exclusivity. Combine that with Evan’s advice to not have sex without exclusivity and you won’t have to suffer a humiliating shock like that.

  14. 73

    I hate reading dating advice online but I find your articles non bias and most of the time, painfully true.

    Thanks for being the reality check in my head (ok I dont always follow you advice but it serves as a good reminder of how I should act sometimes)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>