Why Do Guys Ignore You After Hooking Up?

Dear Evan,

I am in my upper 20s and have been single for about 4 years now. I have been so down lately because I am one of the only single girls of all my friends and am frustrated because I haven‘t been able to find a decent guy that actually interests me, that I’m attracted to, and that is actually interested in me back.

Until, one day, at a friend’s going away party, I met this attractive, funny and interesting guy. Long story short, he was clearly into me. He was very forward with his attraction to me and ended up kissing me on the dance floor. We then drove back to my friend’ s house where the party continued and he sat next to me, put his hand on my knee and would act like we were “together.” This is after several kissing sessions on the ride over there. Then, when it came time for me to leave, he gives me a long passionate kiss goodbye and asks if he can see me the next day. I had plans that day but told him to call me and gave him my number. Not surprised, I didn’t hear from him the next day.

However, he text messages me on the following night and said that he had a really good time and hopes we can get together again. The next afternoon, I texted him back and said I had a good time too, and to call me so we can get together again. He texted back and said he would be out of town until June 1, then “we should make plans.” I said “sounds good, looking forward to it,” and he responds, “Me too.”

It is now almost 3 weeks later…and I never heard from him. Did he just lose all interest? Should I try to contact him, and maybe invite him to a party that my friend is throwing next weekend to see if he ‘ s interested? I don’t get it. Why all the touchy-feely flirting and kissing, if you’re just not going to follow up or call? It’s just disappointing because he was the first guy in over 3 years that actually sparked my interest. It’s hard meeting people sometimes. So, I was hoping for a bit more this time around…

Any thoughts?


Tons of thoughts, Alejandra. Thanks for sharing.

Ready for Lasting Love?
Ready for Lasting Love?

Instead of riffing and going on tangents like I tend to do, I’ll just tackle your questions one by one:

Did he just lose all interest?

Yes, but not because of anything you did. He probably never had real interest. Or he had interest, but it waned like a five-year-old who gives up on a new toy after a week. Or he had someone else in his life who already had his attention. All you know is this: he hasn’t called in three weeks, he’s not interested enough. Move on.

Should I try to contact him and maybe invite him to a party that my friend is throwing next weekend to see if he’s interested?

You can, but I wouldn’t if I were you. Even if he shows up, he’s already proven to be either a) flaky or b) disinterested. So what can you possibly gain? What if he shows up again, and you hook up at the end of the night? Now you’re in the same position as you were before — waiting for this guy to call you, having no real sense of whether he will, and wondering why guys ignore you after hooking up. That doesn’t sound like too much fun, does it?

I guess the best case scenario would be if you showed up like Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease, all leather pants, attitude and hairspray. And when he shows up, you blow him away with your newfound sass and fly off into the sunset in his car. But this happens rarely. Maybe two or three times a year. So let’s put it on hold.

I’d say you should use your friend’s party to meet a new guy — a better guy. Because if you invited this dude to your friend’s place, you know what he’d see the party as? A chance to meet another girl — one not named Alejandra. And presuming he doesn’t find someone else, I’m sure he’d be glad to kiss you at the end of the night. It’s good to have a safety girl around.

Which brings us to……

Why all the touchy-feely flirting and kissing, if you’re just not going to follow up or call?

That’s the big question, the baffling question, the one that drives women mad. I wrote about it extensively in Why You’re Still Single and think that the lesson remains the same:

Kissing, flirting, groping, oral sex, tender romantic intercourse… doesn’t necessarily mean a thing to many men.

It’s just something that they do when they’re in the moment.

He’s out with you, he senses you’re into him, you’ve both had a few drinks, the attraction sparks are flying… why not make a move?

Doesn’t mean he likes you.


Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, either.

It literally means NOTHING.

To him, it’s just good, clean, adult fun.

What’s worse is this – he doesn’t spend much time thinking about the fact that you might have actual FEELINGS invested in him. He just thinks, “Wow, that was fun. Now let’s look for someone else.”

This doesn’t mean he’s a jerk, although he may be. It just means that you and he assigned different meanings to a night of kissing.

Some people assign different meanings to sex, some assign different meanings to a one-year relationship. All we know is that people have different agendas. And you should never be too surprised when you learn that a guy’s agenda is different than yours.

If you can’t deal with the ups and downs of being crushed when a cute guy kisses you and doesn’t call, you should probably not kiss any more cute guys. But rather than that, I’d just open my eyes to the fact that people come and go, and 99% of first dates do NOT result in a serious relationship or marriage.

And if that’s the case, try not to beat yourself up when it proves to be true in your love life as well.

I feel for you and hope that you get over this guy fast. The RIGHT guy will most DEFINITELY call you the next day.

And when he does, you won’t have to spend any more time wondering why he ignores you after hooking up.