I Think All Men Are Players. Why Can’t I Find a Boyfriend?

I am tall, blonde, 36, and curvy.  I also have a unique problem. I was raised by a “player type” father, and I am unfortunately too comfortable with their games.  As a result, I blow men off very quickly when I see the signs of being a ‘player’. If they dont call me when they say they will, I just move on and delete their number. When they do call and I don’t recognize the number, they get upset. If they ask me out for Sunday and dont call to confirm, I assume we are not going. When I do talk to them, they ask why I didn’t call and get upset. I know if I sleep with them on the first date, they will not call me ever, so I don’t chase them, even if we have a great two days of conversation and sex.  I do sometimes wonder if I should though.  If I know I am going to sleep with the guy, I will tell them up front that I want sex because I know we wont see each other again. They try to woo me over and say I am wrong and I just say ‘who cares’. I sometimes think I am already assuming it is over before it begins because I know “he isnt that into me”.

How do I know if they are into me since I now think like men?  I feel like they have to basically kiss my ass until I become fully aware, because now I feel as though I am somehow rejecting them before they have a chance.  Is that okay or am I just being smart?  Hard to ask my friends because they’re needy and I’m not.  I do not call unless they call, chase or bug unless I want sex. In person ‘I live in the moment,’ knowing full well men do too.  I even listen to the ‘I want a family speech’ and smile and playfully change the subject since I know it is meaningless. They even give me the speech that they are not ready for a commitment and I know they are trying to protect me, but I find it odd because I didn’t do anything to warrant the conversation. I know if he is into you, he will act it and all these speeches mean nothing.  (You can tell all your female clients that these guys call me for years as friends because I don’t chase them, BTW).  

I am just bothered because I am not dating them, and I want to date and have a good time and eventually find a good partner. I think I am pretty hot and fun so I am not too worried. Most younger men chase me, men my age are threatened and older men just don’t have the energy, but yes, chase hard. They all tell me ‘I am too cool’ and I don’t say that with pride BTW.  

So, Evan, am I being too cool or really playing smart?  How do I get to the dating part or is this normal by weeding out so quickly?  And why do they all, I mean all, come back to me after I blow them off?  

Thanks for your time!

Tray

Dear Tray,

The bright spot is that your understanding of men will make you great in a relationship. But in order to get into a relationship, you have to work backwards to find out what’s not working for you.

Here’s what’s not working for you:

You think that because you understand male behavior, you should be the woman men want to date.

It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!!

Not quite.

You’re trying to be ‘smart’ by cutting off men at the first hint of games. But they’re not even PLAYING games. They’re calling you, wondering what they did wrong, trying hard to win your favor, but to no avail. By looking for any sign that a guy’s going to hurt you, and turning it into a reason to freeze him out, you ultimately leave yourself alone and use your ‘coolness’ as the excuse. It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!!…

You live in a world where men are the enemies. But your heightened defenses are actually what’s killing you. By never showing any hints of vulnerability, you may prove to all the men who ‘come back for more’ that you’re the coolest chick around, but you’re not getting anyone to fall in love with you. You just become their guy friend. Which is where being ‘too cool’ flips over on you, Tray.

My wife is cool; she lets me be myself, hang out with guys, write about sex, talk about ex’s. But she’s not ‘too’ cool. She’s got a lot invested in me. She lets me know when she’s upset. If she acted like: ‘The dating coach is probably gonna cheat on me because most men cheat on women,’ I wouldn’t feel particularly good about her. Her trust is what inspires me to honor her.

In trying to beat men at their own game, it seems you’re only defeating yourself. You can call up a guy for sex so you can use him ‘like a guy’, but how does that make you feel? How does that further your goal of having a relationship? It doesn’t. Nor does assuming that every misstep is a ‘game’. Just cause a guy doesn’t call or confirm on time doesn’t mean he’s never to be trusted.

Just because five straight guys cheated on you doesn’t mean the sixth will as well. Each new guy has NO relationship to the last guy whatsoever.

This doesn’t mean that some guys AREN’T a load of shit. He’s Just Not That Into You tapped into the zeitgeist for a reason. If he doesn’t call, sleep with you, commit to you, propose to you, etc, he’s just not that into you. But that doesn’t mean that if a guy doesn’t follow up on a date the way YOU want him to, that he’s a liar who’s just out for one thing. It may mean he forgot, ran late, or had to take his ailing mother to the hospital. That’s life. Until you’re more forgiving, you’re going to be missing out on a relationship.

Just because five straight guys cheated on you doesn’t mean the sixth will as well. Each new guy has NO relationship to the last guy whatsoever. Yes, men can be men, but that doesn’t mean that EVERY man is that way. By assuming each man is a player, you never let anyone in and you never experience love.

The reason I wrote Why He Disappeared is because while you may know that He’s Just Not That Into You, it’s far more important to know WHY He’s Just Not That Into You.

From what I can tell, Tray, the reason you’re single is quite simple: you don’t believe a guy can sincerely love you. And unless you believe it’s possible, no man is gonna believe it either.

Click below to learn how a simple shift in attitude can foster true understanding of men, and manifest the relationship of your dreams.

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/why-he-disappeared.html

Much love,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 31
    ReeceKB

    I agree with Tray.  Most men are liars and cheaters.  They say what they think a woman wants to hear to get what they want which is money or sex.  I am 32 years old and I am curvy as well.  I never had any guy that did not lie to me and tell me that I was the one, they loved me and wanted a family with me after dating for a while. My last relationship ended abruptly when I got pregnant.  mine you this was a shock as he alsway talked about starting a family with me and getting married.  Once he  finally got me pregnant, all of a sudden, he was not emotionally and financially ready for a baby wiht me.  He wanted to keep building a relationship me as long as I agreed to abort the baby.  I decided to keep the baby and now I’m going through prenatal alone.

    Tray is right to protect herself and I wish I had been smart like her.

  2. 32
    Christina

    It is just that you should be able to differentiate between a Player and nice guy, this is were you lack..

  3. 33
    okaythen...

    Not to be offensive or anything, but Tray really needs to reevaluate her approach to dating. I understand that she may feel frustrated about not having found someone, but the tone of her letter reeks of arrogance.  This is clearly illustrated in the way she regards her friends as “needy” and she – clearly – is not.

    As well, she constantly puts the blame on her date instead of reflecting on her own behaviour. For example, not showing up when they do not confirm. In my opinion, it is only really necessary to confirm if the date was planned well in advance of the actual day or, if some new information has come up.

    According to her, the entire male population – be they young, old, the same age – seem to think she is so cool and all will come running back to her if she blows them off. I’m sorry, but I really think that the reason Tray is NOT in a relationship is because she is just so full of herself.

    Try being a bit more humble and less crazy… it might work out a bit better.

  4. 34
    NotSureAboutThis

    This is a great article. I’d like to just add one thing–that many women who consider themselves sexy often aim for a man that they consider sexy. The problem is that such men are attractive to other women as well. A man generally considered to be sexy will be propositioned by many women in his lifetime. It is virtually impossible for him to say no to every single woman. So, I think there is a reason who Tray preempts any possibility of a relationship with attractive men because 90% of sexy men are unable to be faithful. I think many women will agree with me on this. We can keep scouring for that 10% but it’s really an uphill battle when every straight woman is looking for the same guy–the sexy stud who doesn’t stray.

  5. 35
    janie

    Your right, I agree that a good looking man is easy to find, but why does it have to be so hard to keep him? Does really think they will always want him when he is in the best shape he can be in for now. What ever happen to make feel that he had the upper hand? The fact that other women can’t respect the fact HE is with someone and do come on to him right in front of you. Aren’t we enableing them with our attuitde as well? I wonder what they would do if we as women were to ban together, and act as if they had a rep. ( like they, like to label us when we are seeing more than one man we are just playing their game).

  6. 36
    Bill

    Janie – That women is called a whore. Men want to have fun with you but they wont ever want to date your or have a relationship. Everyone of his friends will know your a whore because he will tell everyone.
    Realistically the okay to ugly women in our society chase after these good looking men for validation. From my experience the bigger and less attractive the women are the more sexual partners they have. Most of these women have slept with many traditionally good looking men because most men if they drink enough will sleep with anything. And traditionally good looking men have higher testosterone.
    Also having a very attractive mate 80%+ of the time it is for validation. To show our friends your worth something in our society.

  7. 37
    Karl R

    janie said: (#35)
    “other women can’t respect the fact HE is with someone and do come on to him right in front of you.”
    Bill said: (#36)
    “That women is called a whore.”

    These women may be more brazen then usual, but they are otherwise average. A recent study showed that single women will see the same man as more attractive solely because they believe he is taken (in a committed relationship, in the case of the study). Men did not view women who were in a relationship as being more or less attractive than single women.
    http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/13/do-single-women-seek-attached-men/

    The women’s complaint that “all the good ones are taken,” becomes true … because the same men are seen as “good” when they are taken. Unless you’re different from most women, you unconsciously do the same thing.

    janie said: (#35)
    “I wonder what [good looking men] would do if we as women were to ban together, and act as if they had a rep.”

    There’s no way that you’ll get women to work together on this. (Feel free to try if you think I’m wrong.) However, there is something you can do to limit men’s ability to engage in this behavior. If you stop dating the most attractive men, and instead date average-looking men with good character, you’ll eliminate the attractve men’s ability to do this to you.

  8. 38
    JerseyGirl

    Bill, It’s funny that you were real quick to find a name to call women. But yet I see not one disrespectful name toward men.

    You’re whole posts reeks of a mentality that you pretty much think men are better then women.

  9. 39
    Foxx

    I studied men and seldom think like a man and act like a lady but I think I just met my match and I didn’t even see it coming.
    I met this guy through a mutual friend who contacted me on FB. It was a genuine meeting. We talked for 8hrs and I had to call off from work the next day. There was great chemistry and we were fond of each other. i was skeptical cos’ its long distance but he was chasing me so hard that I thought ok Ill give it a try. He started saying “He loved me from the first week” Thought he was moving too fast but went with the flow since this is what Ive been wishing for all last yr. We talked for a month and he flew me over and we had sex the next day. Nothing changed. As a matter of fact we didnt have to discuss our relationship status cos’ he started calling me his wifey and told his friends Im his girlfriend. Told me and his mother who he is close to that im the one and he’s marrying me.
    Well after a while Im losing my mind. Im in love. Cant stop thinking about him. Want him to call me everyday but he wasnt doing it. Happens to be a very busy guy.
    After giving so much thought and talking to him about communication gap he tells me “He doesnt want to lose me. He is 37 and he has not accomplished everything he wants at that age and begged me to be patient that everything he is doing is for OUR FUTURE”
    Well back in those days if a guy wasnt giving me all the attention, I tend to circular date and talk and flirt with other guys. I don’t know why I can’t do this with him. He is so nice and sincere. I heard from a friend he is getting ready to propose to me soon and his mom loves me. This is what I want but I question if I can be happy. My way of dealing with emotionally unavailable men is dating other guys even if there is no sex, it takes my mind away from being so needy for his attention. However because of how much i have fallen for him and respect my commitment, I cant do this. What do I do? He is a keeper, dont want to lose him and dont want to play games. Just don’t understand how he chased me so hard and I was in control to how I am now the one craving the attention. I want to fall un-in love (if that’s a word) cos’ I hate how it feels now. I want to harden my heart. When I do this he notices the change in attitude and sk “why Im talking like someone that doesnt love him” He just doesnt get it does he. Im in love and yearning for equal attention and want to step being vulnerable by walking away and dettaching myself emotionally but he is not helping. If he cant help me from feeling this way, then I seriously need to help myself. It hurts so bad cos’ I thought the same way he waas chasing me ws the same way he will be once I gave my heart to him. Damn LOVE could be ugly sometimes.

  10. 40
    Foxx

    This is Foxx again—

    Posted on this link because of the player issue. Well I forgot to add that while my boyfriend appeared to be soft cos’ of the chase in the earlier stage after a while from his fb page and other things, its clear to me that Im dating a changed used to be player guy. He definitely has game and  a lasie men. He is a busy business man that travels and swears up and down he is not doing anything out there. All I want is for him to be more romantic and call me more often but he cant do that. SO it leaves negative thoughts to come to mind even though I trust him.
    I believe people change and he loves me and wants to really marry me. He doesn’t hide that he had had his share of women in his past time so I appreciate his openness and honesty. My friends tells me the communication gap is as a result of him not used to dealing with emotions while he was a player and it would take time before he gets around to treating me the way I want to feel. I jsut dont know if I have the patience. I want to feel the love from him all the time not just when we are around each other. Long distance is not easy at all and the old me would have stepped out and cheted on him with this missing emotional connection i feel while he is not around.

  11. 41
    Denise

    #39 & 40

    First off, I would seriously bet that neither one of you are ‘in love’.  You’re ‘in lust’, ‘in infactuation’, but in love?  Probably not.  It’s that human phenomenon of wanting what we can’t have, projecting what we think the other person is really about, but not having a clue about the reality.  Lacking PATIENCE shows a lack of maturity (I know that can be a difficult word to hear, not sure what other word is most appropriate here.  Mature men don’t commit easily either, and certainly not after one telephone conversation!  Patience can be difficult, I can identify with that!)  We attract those of like maturity.

    Long distance is very difficult to create a relationship.  The only time that really counts in your ‘relationship’ is the time you are spending in person.  If you’ve only spent 3 days in person, then you’ve had 3 dates.

    Your concept of circular dating is excellent!  Has this player man asked you to be exclusive?  To not date anyone else?  If not, then keeping your options open is the smart thing to do.

    YOU cannot make this man do anything.  You can explain to him that you’d like to start to get to know him better and would really like him to call more often, but that’s it.  If he’s so in love and he can’t CALL you, I don’t understand how he’s supposed to feel compelled to do all the other things a devoted man in love would do.

    I think you know this situation is crazy, so not really sure if you’re looking for someone to tell you to give up your life to wait for a man whose actions don’t match his words?  To waste the precious commodity of time on an imaginerary relationship?

    If I were you, I would spend a lot of time on this blog, taking a look at other questions/comments.  Then go out and get some books on men, women and relationships to help yourself grow to be the best woman you can be, so when the RIGHT man walks into your life, you’re ready.

  12. 42
    Karl R

    Foxx said: (#39)
    “He just doesnt get it does he.”

    There is a problem (and you recognize that), but you don’t seem to understand what the problem is.

    There are 4 or 5 different ways people show that they care: verbally, time & attention, physical affection, giving gifts, and possibly one other (I forget). While all of these are important, each person has their own opinion about which is most important. It’s a personal thing. For me, physical affection is most important. I show how much I care by hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. That is also the form that is easiest for me to recognize. When my girlfriend snuggles up next to me during a movie, I know she cares.

    Your boyfriend expresses himself verbally. He wants you to know how much he loves you, so he tells you. And if you aren’t doing the same, he picks up on it immediately.

    You express yourself through time and attention. You love your boyfriend, so you want to spend lots of time with him and focus your attention on him. If he’s not spending time and attention on you every day, it feels like he doesn’t care.

    This is effortless when two partners share the same preference. When I have an overwhelming need to let my girlfriend know how much I love her, I’ll walk over and give her a big hug and kiss. Since her preference is also for physical affection, she gets the message clearly.

    When your boyfriend has an overwhelming need to let you know that he loves you, he tells you. Since you want time & attention, his words don’t mean very much to you.

    Similarly, when you have that overwhelming urge, you try to spend time and attention on your boyfriend. While he probably thinks that’s nice, it’s not as meaningful as when you tell him that you love him.

    Foxx said: (#39)
    “What do I do?”

    Stop trying to pull away, withhold affection, or “un-love” him. He loves you, and he is trying to be completely loving toward you. He’s not playing games. You have been.

    Explain to him what I just explained to you. In order to overcome this issue, you both need to understand it.

    And you both will need to work to accommodate each other. He instinctively shows that he cares by telling you. In addition, he needs to consciously and deliberately spend time and focus attention on you. (It will have to be conscious and deliberate, because he is incapable of spending enough time and attention instinctively).

    You don’t get off the hook either. In addition to spending time and attention on him, you will also need to consciously and deliberately tell him that you love him and how much he means to you. You will need to do so frequently and extravagantly (and that might seem ridiculous to you, because you’re also incapable of saying you care often enough and extravagantly enough instinctively).

    And this is extremely difficult because it requires persistent effort by both of you. It’s really easy for one person to slack off. If he spends lots of time and attention on you, you feel like he loves you. And if you’re spending lots of time and attention on him, it feels like you’re reciprocating sufficiently … well … it feels that way to you. But unless you keep telling him how much you love him, you won’t be reciprocating equally.

    It’s a hard problem to overcome, and it’s deceptively easy to backslide. If you two can’t accomplish this, you have only one other option: break up.

  13. 43
    Foxx

    @ #41 Yes we have agreed on exclusivity and he is actually extremely jealous so neither one is allowed to keep our options open. We have been talking about marriage so I feel like its wrong for me to go out and see other people. I’m currently living on the promises that things will change soon as he gets some things done with his business. But also there is the fear of what IF he gets used to me dealing with him this way and things dont change.

    @ #42 Thanks for seeing that he relly does love me. I have never doubted that he didn’t. The understanding how to accomodate each other is an ongoing process. Maybe I want it to change right away and I’m beating myself up about it because of the inconsistency. My parents are the sme way and have been married for over 32 yrs. Mom is affectionate and loves attention but dad communicates through telling her but not showing it everyday like she wants it. I see through it all and knows that he loves her even though he has never lived up to all her expectations.
    Me and my boyfriend have talked about it and he told me “I know you want attention, Im gonna give it to you that you will get tired of me, just have patience with me and get things done and you will not regret” Those are his exact words. So I can wait for things to get better but fear it may not but Im just trying to trust him that things will get better. Also keep in mind, I met him when not as an established relaxed business man. I met him when he is currently at his lowest finance wise. He is a manly man that wants to do so much for me that he is out making that money. I just want him to realize i am not materialistic and i need my emotions being taken care of than the shopping sprees and what not. Also want to add that when we are together, I dont feel this way. All attention is on me. But I need it more when we are apart and thats wht he is incapble of doing for me now. So I’m waiting but don’t wanna wait in vail. Thanks for your comments.

  14. 44
    Denise

    #43

    is actually extremely jealous

    Yikes, for ME, that would be a  big red flag.

    agreed on exclusivity

    Then right,  you can’t actually date other men.  You can talk with other men and interact according to how comfortable you are, but you’re in an exclusive relationship which you agreed to.  He says he’s not seeing any women while he’s traveling on business, you have to trust that’s the case.

    How long has this ‘relationship’ been going on?  How many times have you actually been in the physical presence of each other?  How much does he call/connect with you?  You said what he says in regard to ‘loving’ you, what does he DO to show you he loves you?  What actions does he take?
     

  15. 45
    Foxx

    The relationship has only been 5 mths. We started exactly Aug 1st.
    Before he left for overses in Novemer, we flew bck and forth every two weeks. Of which he spent 2 wks with me before. I normally stay from Thursday until Monday.
    I call him more than he does. And have long conversation depending on how busy he is. When I first had the communication convo with him, he called me everydy then it stopped. Considering he is overseas, I have made more calls than he has. He comes back next week.
    To show how he loves me, first he says it all the time, tell all his friends how wonderful I am, im the second girl he has introduced to his mom according to her and he is a mama’s boy, when i’m at his place, he cooks for me, we dine out and love the movies, he loves to have bedroom chat before we go to sleep which seldom consist of how how relationship is going and what we think of how future so far which of course communication issues surfaces ut he reminds me that he is trying. He never lets me carry anything heavy, he picks up my luggages and haul it for me, He hates that he cannot spend as much as he has spent on past flings on me becuase he is currently low on funds than normal. He is not ashamed to brag about me to everyone around. he calls to talk to my parents sometimes, he advices me and listens attentively when Im telling him about my day to day issues at the job and passionately hates anyone messing with me but gives me good advice….Wow this was therapeutical for me listing all these things. I never even knew he does this much. Ive been so fixated on negatives not realizing all these positives. hmm
    What action does he take? He is the first person that stops everything he is doing when I call him and tell him Im feeling some type of way. He is quick to say” Do you want to talk about it” That really makes me feel comfortable saying anything to him. Honestly this love had made me act somewhat crazy with some of my questioning and in the past men have left me alone with me acting like that but he totally understands and gets me.

  16. 46
    KimO

    Reading all the comments I can’t help but note the anger in some of them.  Its a little off-putting but bottom line, if everyone was nicer and more honest to and with each other, there wouldn’t be animosity in an arena where we all want the same thing. To connect in a disconnected world.
    To Tray, you scare me, sorry but you do. I’m a woman who is often more “man-like” because I work and support a family among other characteristics and needs that put women in a place that often doesn’t have much room for femininity. However, being abrasive never has a place anywhere. None of us are mind-readers and maybe letting ‘the other’ make the decision rather than you making the decision for both of you would open a few more doors. You are being chased because you are playing hard to get. Shoe would be on the other foot certainly if you chased them.  Being “cool” can be closer to cold than “kewl”. but being kewl can be a smoke screen. Just be you. don’t judge men on how your father behaved, unless you are looking for a father.

    I like to think all men are different, just as all women are different. We’ve all had bumps and bruises if we’ve lived outside of our homes. (with no disrespect to people who have been abused, but this is not the venue for that.) when we lighten up on ourselves, we can take ourselves more lightly and are more approachable.  Male or female bashing is too often the norm but is really only that person’s opinion, which doesn’t make it correct.

    I am single and have been. I don’t date much at all, but human nature calls me to be me, be honest and stay open to outcome. Sure I’ve made some decisions that didn’t pan out. I’ve run back to my cave to lick my wounds, then venture forth and try to not make the same mistake rather than repeating it.  Big question:  What do we honestly want? Freedom from relationships or connection….to be advocates in our own lives or victims.  We get to make that decision.

  17. 47
    starthrower68

    KimO, I agree with you that the anger is off-putting and I’ve had to work on this myself.  All we can do is behave with integrity and if the other person can’t LEAVE HIM.  There’s no need for victimhood, though I admit if you really come to care for someone, you can get hurt.  I would submit that where the anger comes from is staying in a situation that is not good for us rather than just getting out of it and moving on.

  18. 48
    Kate Candy

    ReeseKb (#31)

    I’m very sorry that you have to go through prenatal alone.  I am sorry that your guy misled you.  Although you want to think he’s a jerk, it really really could be that he wanted to have a baby, but when you got pregnant, he freaked.  This happens.  You have a right to be angry and hurt, but don’t let this color your view of men.  As someone mentioned here, four men could be players and the fifth a good guy.  In my experience, things are never as cut and dried as one guys a player and the other guy isn’t.  Keep the lines of communication open with your baby’s dad.  Perhaps you can send him a neutral e-mail telling him that the door is open if he wants information about your pregnancy’s progress.  Although this man might not be a future partner, he is your child’s father and, however hard it is, maybe having some sort of connection is better in the long run?  But, again, I’m sorry for your loss.

  19. 49
    Ray

    I’d say I’m somewhere in between Cilla and Tray.  My dad was never a ‘player’, but I work in an all male field and know their junk pretty well.

    I’ve eliminated men from further consideration like Tray has if they appear to be dating for ‘sport’.  I also don’t believe that men really know what they want either… and the blah blah blah that goes on in early conversations is just that.  I know what to look for to see if they can back up their words with actions.

    I do have a sense of humor about this, like Cilla, but what I DON’T do is waste my time with men who are seeing other women at any level.  All that tells a guy is you are ok with them sleeping around and you will be there when he gets done ‘playing’… Sorry, get done playing first… then see me.  I don’t have time for that immature BS.

    If a guy is into you, and is not a commitment phobe or player, he will looking for opportunities to get to know you better ASAP.  I personally don’t need to be dating lots of other men to maintain my detachment.  I have a life that I enjoy.  If, on any given day, I’d rather take a guitar lesson than spend it with that guy, that’s what I do.  And yea, I cherish my male friends.  They are true friends.  Human beings… who have given me alot of insight into the male mind and heart.        

  20. 50
    Michael

    @ Tray:

    No matter how much you think that you think like a man, you’ll never measure up. Be a woman. Think like a woman. You’ll attract more men that way.

    And, if you agree to meet a man, but he doesn’t confirm the day of, and you decide, “Oh well, we’re not on I guess”, and no-show him, then the man is well within his rights to dismiss you as a flake. I personally NEVER confirm the day of.  If you agree to meet up with me at ____ at ____ pm, I expect you to be there. If I get there and you don’t show up, then I’m gonna play you–expect to receive a text from me on the following day , apologizing for my missing the date.

  21. 51
    Michele

    Thanks for this one- very useful!  It’s the first time I’ve heard of the ‘I want a family’ speech. Is that some mechanism guys use to get women into bed?

  22. 52
    larry G

    When i was reading Tray’s story i was looking for a case of beer to assist me in reading her story . Seriously she is an over thinker – extremely insecure – and someone who is a P.I.T.A.

    What normal caring man would want to put up with this drama queen.  

    She does not see this / blinders

    She needs a complete overhaul – more than a tune up , to get her head straighten out. Understand yourself now. 

    If she works at it their is hope.

    The best to Tray. 

  23. 53
    Miffy

    I knew I was onto a keeper when I met a guy who just told the truth, eg, “I may not ever want to get married, and I may or may not want children, it’s something that can change with time.” Lucky for me I don’t want either of those things and I told him and he was great about it. I guess being upfront and honest about exactly what you want from the start is great. I’ve heard the whole ‘I want a family and marriage,’ from so many guys who definitely don’t mean it, they just tell you what you want to hear, so when someone takes a risk and tells you the truth about what they want, it’s actually rather nice and you know you’re onto a good thing.

  24. 54
    Paragon

    I think its pretty obvious that the letter writer has become maladapted to *anything* other than casual sex over the years, from too much time spent in the FWB zone.

    Which can only happen if she’s *overestimating* her value(ie her attractiveness) with respect to the men she considers mate worthy.

    What many women fail to understand(or reconcile), is that the attractive men they desire are already a scarce resource
    courtesy of female selectivity(ie. because women are so picky, there simply isn’t enough attractive men to satisfy demands for exclusivity, except for all but the most attractive women).

    And since this is exacerbated by the fact that males *lower* their standards for casual sex(which women do *not* do), many women are under the false impression that they can justify a long term investment from any man they can attract for casual sex.

    So, it’s a pretty safe bet that if a woman is never progressing beyond hook-ups with attractive men, they’re probably setting the bar a little too high.

    Obviously, people are going to have limited control over the traits they find sexually attractive(or repulsive), and there’s
    nothing pathological with desiring the best.

    But, there is something very wrong with indulging unjustified expectations(which, to the letter writer’s credit, is not what she is doing).

    Ultimately, this is a problem that has only two likely solutions – either learn to ‘settle'(lower your standards and consider
    males who are more likely to stick around, because they know they can’t do any better), or learn to reconcile the FWB zone(which sounds she is close to accomplishing).

  25. 55
    Anna

    I guess you have learnt from Dad what players are like and what games are like.
    You are scared of being hurt like me and blocking them out.
    I guess by blocking them out and cutting off early you are cutting every guy out and Evan is right not all guys are players. Maybe you have attracted player types as you were used to it and seen it with dad.
    Counseling would be good.
    None of us want to get hurt but its about the balance of giving guys a chance and then making a decision about them later. We need t give them some room to lay out their cards and take for face value what they are saying. After a while or soon enough if they are playing games it will come out and whether you want to play or leave will be obvious.
    If you are angry at men that is another reason.

  26. 56
    Lovable

    I had a so called player playing around with me the whole spring.My heart was closed , He did not reach into my heart.He often said I had to “open up ” but I did not get what he meant.I just kept on joking,being funny,being friendly,always come when he asked me too.Until one evening we were watching a movie and I just sat there,in his living room,serious,quiet,said a few words from my heart.I felt stupid,I felt like a looser.And then,next day,he came with his arms out trying to hug me and called me “my love”.I did not understand ANything!!!But somewhere I understanded deep inside that this doing nothing had showed myself,my true self,to him.Well,he was not my man anyway,I rejected him,and two weeks later he met his girlfriend,I did some stupid things and I got my lifes biggest lesson in love so far.And then another man showed up,a great good man who had tried to reach me a year ago when I rejected him…I realized he is the man I truly want,the player was not a player but he was the opposite of what I really want,a man with more feminine energies,I saw the picture;I have always been the guy in my relatinships,doing things,being intellectual and acting too much.And never let love in only men who wants me to serve them,like he wanted.I call them players but deep inside I never really wanted them and they disappeared,of course.Men are not stupid,they disappear when they dont get what they want EVEN if that is something you dont even wAnt to give them!I love men,but I let the men come to me whovweren’t the men I need so that they could break my heart!Clever!

  27. 57
    Lovable

    Hi.I read your latest email and I want to answer it here.
    I think you are right.You dont want to talk about marriage and children and other serious stuff on you first date.But you want to have some kind of clue that this is a type of man you are looking for.But maybe you know it.Or not.You can actually ask other type of questions to get to know about him.And normally you hear pretty quickly if he has children,is divorced,have lot of friends etc,and you can get a clue of what type of man he is.
    And maybe you know it ,because you heard about it from someone.
    But there is another reason I really do not want to hear all about his future wishes.Theyre only wishes!You can have plans for the future and imagine what you want,but how the hell do you know?
    Like me,for example.How did I know when I was 20 that when I was 38 I was going to struggle a lot.I be a lonely mother after meeting this guy who broke me down,my mother became a very hard woman to deal with and her husband has a very bad temper,I could not ever get satisfied with the education i chose,with the work I had after that,with the town I lived in,the next town too.My child was a very energic one who made me a tired lonely mom.I had no strength,no self confidence,no home ver who made me happy.
    If you look at me I am a smart,artistic,beautiful woman and noone ever thought I eould have anything but succes in my life.I thought Id have at least four children,live in a great house by the sea and eork exactly with what i love most.So where is the point?i dont feel sorry for myself.But if I go on a first date today and meet a man in my situation,maybe I ll understand him!Maybe I know that you can be good anyway,if you meet the right person.And if he tells me he wants to get married and have more children,I would not think oh then he is my man.Because how can I know.Maybe I cant have more children.Maybe I dont want to get married again because we both did without success.Maybe I am emotionally avaliable to him even if I was afraid of most of the guys I met before.(I actually know because I know a guy I really feel connected to and he is the only man I ever met that i am totally not afraid of)He has been very kind to me many times and showed what a great man he is,but I let him go because I wasnt ready for him.He was too good for me I somehow thought then.Or I did not think at all.But if he came back today,when I have been working with myself for one year forgiving my past,highten my selfesteem a lot and am satisfied with my work etc,I would be with open arms,saying yes to him.One year ago I seriously thought my life was over and I did these CRAZY choices I cannot dream of doing to day.All the time!If I look at me then today,I was a crazy woman noone would ever choose.And today I think I am worthy of that good man!
    Do you get my point?The future can never be assured.On a first date,or maybe second,I want to have some kind of clue about if this guy is good at heart.But even that is impossible to know before there is some kind of challenge.
    Yes,on a first date,I only want to be there and have some great time.And hopefully a good laugh,too.
    The future?Depends much on our choices,and they got to be good ones

  28. 58
    antipodes

    Tray – the reason you aren’t finding a guy who doesn’t light up your bs meter is because the guys you have met are all full of bs. This is par for the course. Most guys (people) are full of bs. The reason other people get into relationships anyway is that they let their dreamy delusions carry their brains off somewhere so they can enjoy the feeling of what it might be like to be in a ‘real’ relationship. Rest assured, they will break up, cry about it, end up in child support court, move on to the next. Is this what you want? If not, keep using that trusty gut that has served you well.

    People will tell you that you need to be like this or that or the other to find love and be in a loving relationship. Some of it is true but is predicated on the idea that the person you are with is ALSO interested in said love/relationship and not in a temporary/superficial type way. If/when they are not, all this “letting down walls” etc is entirely misplaced, not useful, and not smart. How do you tell if you’ve found an appropriate person? The same way you’ve been doing so far. Your unfortunate experience with your father has actually left you with some very good smarts that it will take others decades to attain. Don’t drop them just because some other person told you you need to be different (ie stupid like them, or more available for manipulation).

    You are right, if a guy is truly into you, he WILL call when he says he will, WILL confirm dates, WILL show it in actions more than in words. The same as you would do for a guy that you are truly into. That’s how it works. So keep looking for that. Sorry to say, though, don’t hold your breath. Like I said, most (people) are full of bs and just looking for the next thing to boost their fragile ego. Somebody “open” with their “walls down” is much more easily used for that than somebody looking for evidence of a real relationship, or someone who sees them as and will treat them as a real person.

  29. 59
    Mickey

    Men are dogs.

    Men are players.

    Men are only after one thing.

    Why can’t I get one?   

    Really??? She’s got to be kidding!!!   
       
       

  30. 60
    Blueberrie

    hmm I actually tend to agree with Tray here.  I do a lot of the same stuff as her although I have softened a little in the last year or so. 

    I have been TOTALLY burned by players on an emotional level but I guard the rest of myself (finances, body, friends and family) like crazy.   

    What’s helped me most is figuring out what my boundaries are, thinking before I act and at least giving the guy a shot.  Mostly I’ve ended up with a lot of friends lol!  which is great actually, I know who to call when I need advice on something or help with something.  And I must say a lot of those guys have a lot of respect for me, treat me very well NOW that we are friends.  a couple of them even proposed.  so I think it’s more about relating to a guy as another human being, seeing that ok maybe he’s a dog, maybe just trying to get into your pants… try and relate to him like another human with feelings rather than letting him see you as a sex pot or thinking that he sees you as that… play his little game but also tease him about it.  

    I am currently trying to get a guy into an exclusive arrangement but I’ve left the door open for him to walk away as well… he’s half in and half out.  but I put my cards on the table and I know that he respects me and cares about me and so I know there’s a part of him that wishes he could just get away with just having sex but another part that might want a lot more.  I’m just giving him the breathing room to decide this… meanwhile, I have probably 10 other guys chasing me down lol so I’m not freaking out over whether he’s into it or not.  I would like it, I hope he wants it too but there are tons of other guys out there if he says no and most likely i’ll always have him as a friend, a guy i can call day or night if i ever need help, advice, etc etc.   i would love to believe that it’s all a about fairytales and happily ever after but really that’s just not reality and i just pray i make wise decisions in the men I chose to get involved with.  that’s the most I hope for.

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