How to Slow Men Down

There are plenty of men who come on way too strong at the beginning.

They write to you online and think that it entitles them to a phone call. 

The phone call entitles them to a date. 

The date entitles them to sex. 

And their desire for commitment entitles them to claim you as a girlfriend after a couple of dates and insist that you take down your profile. Yeah, that’s not how things work.

The problem is that men and women often have different agendas in dating. In general, men want speed and women want comfort.

Which is why men complain that women take forever to meet and women complain that men move too fast. A man who’s been dating online has likely been rejected by 90% of women. He’s matched with women who wanted to text but never meet. He’s shown up for dates only to discover that the woman looked very different from her photos. He’s invested time and energy in women who disappeared just as quickly as they arrived.

After enough experiences like that, his agenda becomes simple: move quickly, meet quickly, see if there’s chemistry, and avoid wasting time.

There’s also another factor that women often overlook: many men are lonely.

You probably have people you can call, text, and lean on when things get difficult. Many men don’t. They put their energy into work, marriage, and family. Then the marriage ends, the kids grow up, and they discover their emotional support system has largely disappeared.

THAT’s why some men talk so much on dates.

THAT’s why dates sometimes feel like therapy.

THAT’s why a man can become attached surprisingly quickly.

You’re the first person who’s listened to him in ages.

When you understand this, his behavior makes a lot more sense. The question is what do you do now? Since you can’t tell if he’s a good guy or a lovebombing lunatic, you may have to become his dating coach and teach him how to court you. Here’s how.

Step 1: Validate Him

Most women skip this step because they’re so focused on correcting the behavior that they forget to acknowledge the intention behind it.

Start by letting him know that you like him.

Tell him you’re attracted to him. Tell him you appreciate his effort. Tell him you can see that he’s serious about finding a relationship.

This matters because people become defensive when they think they’re being rejected. If he hears, “Slow down,” without hearing, “I like you,” he’s likely to interpret it as disinterest.

The goal is to make sure he understands that you’re not pushing him away. You’re trying to create the conditions under which this relationship actually has a chance to succeed.

Step 2: Tell Him He’s Going 100 MPH

Once he understands that you’re interested, you can explain the problem.

You might say something like: “I really like you, but I feel like you’re going 100 miles per hour and I need you to go about 65.”

Then explain why.

“The irony is that I actually want this to work. That’s why I need you to slow down. If things move too quickly, I start to feel pressured. And when I feel pressured, I pull away.”

You’re not telling him to stop pursuing you.

You’re telling him how to successfully pursue you.

Step 3: Help Him See It From Your Perspective

If he still doesn’t understand, give him a hypothetical.

Ask him how he’d feel if a woman met him online, went on one date, and immediately started acting like they were a couple. What if she wanted constant communication? What if she pressured him to delete his profile? What if she assumed exclusivity because she really liked him?

He might be flattered. He’d also think she was a Stage 5 clinger and run away. 

The same way he doesn’t want a woman to book a chapel on Date 3, you don’t want to be coerced into turning a virtual stranger into your boyfriend. 

Step 4: Show Him Exactly How to Please You

Most men aren’t mind readers. The good ones genuinely want to make you happy. They just don’t know what that looks like.

So tell him.

Tell him that in the beginning, you’d prefer a text every few days and a date about once a week. Tell him that if things continue to go well, you’ll naturally talk more. You’ll naturally become more physical. You’ll naturally spend more time together.

Then paint the picture of where this leads.

“Sometime over the next four to six weeks, I’ll probably realize that you’re the person I want to spend all my time with. I’ll stop talking to other men. I’ll focus on you. I just can’t do that today because I barely know you.”

He’ll laugh because it’s true. Then ask him a simple question:

“If moving at this pace gives us the best chance of working out, can you meet me there?”

Most quality men will say yes.

The men who argue are the ones you need to worry about. The men who insist that because they like you, you should immediately commit to them.

The right man understands that if he wants a relationship with you, he has to create an environment where you feel safe, heard, and understood.

Love,

Evan