Why Does He Keep Sexy Photos of His Old Girlfriends?

man looking at sexy photos of his girlfriend

I’m engaged to be married to my fiancé. We’ve have been together for 2 years now. My issue is that I want to completely trust him, but he makes it very hard for me to do so.

When the subject of past relationships comes up, he always has a different response as to the number of partners he has had and the seriousness of the relationships.

Also, I’ve found many nude or nearly nude photos on his computer of women he has dated. He also never deleted any women’s phone numbers in his phone after months of us dating. When I asked him why, he said it’s because he doesn’t want to answer when they call.

After we were already engaged, a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend, I guess to prove the fact that she was still not over him.

I don’t feel in the least intimidated about these women, because I’m very secure in myself and in my appearance, but it bothers me that he even would go so low as to associate with and actually sleep with them.

I know this is just the bad part of our relationship but this is basically the main negative. He is, however, the man I fell in love with and actually thought was my soulmate very early on in our relationship.

What do you think? —Evelyn

Dear Evelyn,

I think I need a little more information about you and your fiancé to be able to give a thoughtful and well-informed answer.

I’d like to know how old you are, how long it took until he proposed, what his past looks like, how many women he’s been with, whether his parents are still married and whether he’s the type of person who prides himself on being a devoted husband and father.

There is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth.

If he’s very young, proposed very quickly, has a history of cheating and/or deviant behavior, and is getting married despite his lack of belief in the institution, you may have some major issues to confront.

However, without that, all I can do is insert myself in his shoes to address your insecurities about him.

(By the way, this is what I do on every single question. I ask myself: would I do what her boyfriend is doing? If I’d do it, it’s not that bad, because I know that I’m a normal guy and good husband.)

So, you’ve asked him a number of times how many partners he’s had.

You know how many times my wife has asked me? Zero.

You know why she’s never asked me?

Because it’s irrelevant. The past is the past. If I’m 100% loyal and devoted and will be by my wife’s side until the day we die, what difference does it make if I was with 10 women or 100 women? That’s right. None.

Your insecurities are the reason that this topic keeps coming up, Evelyn. And because your fiancé knows you can’t handle the truth, he doesn’t tell you the truth. If the truth is that he’s slept with 100 women and this freaks you out, there doesn’t seem to be much value in telling you, is there?

If he has to put up with the third degree for admitting his humanity, it’s just easier to tell you what you want to hear.

I’m not defending a man who is a congenital liar, by the way.

I’m suggesting that there is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth. The truth is that he has a checkered past. The truth is that he likes porn. The truth is that he still finds other women attractive. This doesn’t make him a bad man or a bad partner. It makes him human. And if he has to put up with the third degree for admitting his humanity, it’s just easier to tell you what you want to hear.

Next, you’ve found nude photos on his computer of women he’s dated.

And how, pray tell, did you find such photos? Did they print themselves up? Was he using them as his wallpaper for his desktop?

Or did you get on his computer and start snooping through his files, only to discover that he has a past?

Once again, he wasn’t waving these nude photos in your face: you dug for pay dirt and you hit it. Congratulations. You got the “truth”.

Finally, you seem know which exes he has listed on his phone. How exactly do you know that? It couldn’t be because you looked through his phone, could it? Because I certainly don’t know who’s on my wife’s phone and she doesn’t know who’s on mine.

All in all, Evelyn, you claim that you’re not intimidated by these women, you’re secure with yourself, and you’re happily engaged.

I think your actions indicate otherwise.

Stop snooping, start trusting, and get on with your life instead of worrying about the past.

If you can’t trust your fiancé, you shouldn’t marry him.

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  1. 1

    She’s clearly insecure and spending way too much time snooping around. Whatever else she does, it’s best to own up to those things, and stop acting like she’s got it all together. As for her bf, something about the pattern doesn’t sit well with me. The phone number “reason” is so weak that I broke out laughing. Who would believe such nonsense? I don’t think he owes her an endless, detailed history of his past, but some level of honesty is required for a healthy relationship to develop in my opinion. If he’s friends with some of his exes, the girlfriend should know that. Not interrogation level details, but some sense that they dated before, and now are friends. If she can’t handle that, that her issue. The OP seems like someone who might have trouble with such knowledge, but if the bf is doing nothing wrong, then he’s conflict avoidant. Which is a problem for them over the long term. If they don’t sit down and get real about some of this stuff, they’re screwed as a couple.

    1. 1.1

      I can’t believe how many harsh comments have been posted against the women.   Her intuition was telling her that something was not right.   As far as snooping, I usually don’t recommend it.   However,   it’s not healthy to have such huge and hurtful secrets between partners.    Bashing the woman for not trusting the man is hypocritical.   Trust is a two way street!
      I had the feeling my husband was taking pictures of us making love without my permission.   When I looked on his computer file to see if I could find them, I found things that were so shocking and illegal.   I found pictures and movies of my nieces crotch that he took during family gatherings.   He had taken several “sleep creep” movies of him jacking off in my mouth when I was sleeping very deeply from taking sleeping pills and completely unaware of what was going on.   I also found the photos of our making love that he took without my permission.   After I found them he was a total jerk and completely denied that he did these things.   When I told him I found the movies there was no way he could keep lying.   

      1. 1.1.1

        X husband right? I hope you turned him in for your niece…

    2. 1.2

      About the phone number, really? I have my ex (husband) on my phone for that exact reason, so I never have to intentionally speak to him again. Now, there’s only one of him, but I like knowing I can avoid his phone call. I can see being suspicious if there’s, oh, 10 random people for that same reason. BTW, I would not consider my ex a friend and would not be calling him, or expecting a call. But it took 5 years to hammer out divorce issues and he calls about once a year. Just a perspective.

    3. 1.3

      @Nathan. Have you ever heard the story of how the female Eagle choses her mate? Test and trust, test and trust. For me, marriage is a life-time commitment of trust, openness, and respect. If a relationship cannot get off the ground (which this seems to be the case) before marriage, that’s a red flag for divorce later on.

      The issues mentioned between Evelyn and her fiancé needs to be totally address before one more inch of this relationship can progress; furthermore heading for marriage. In my opinion, it’s quite obvious that Evelyn had to address trust issues in previous relationships with other men and have deep rooted trust issues; doesn’t mean that she is insecure – just mean that she DON’T trust men and has not openly admitted this- maybe she thinks she don’t The way she is addressing the problem/issues is not going to solve it, or make it go away; she is addressing this the wrong way by snooping. If this was me, I certainly know how I would address this small problem.    

      If a man thinks he needs to tell a woman what he thinks she want to hear to address trust issues, or he needs to lie his way out of third degree questions, he is not ready for an honest and open relationship plus he have unethical habits. Whether Evelyn is insecure or has issues trusting men or her fiancé, this relationship is not ready to develop into anything healthy.

      He doesn’t OWE her an endless, detailed history of his past? Sure he doesn’t need to become a puppet on a string. However, he does owe her the comfort of an open trusting relationship, a steady foundation to build upon. Nobody is perfect and if he realizes that Evelyn has past trust issues with men, if he loves her unconditionally, sure he needs to make her feel secure in trusting him not hiding things behind her back like nude photos of his past and still having ex’s sharing provocative photos that he passes on to other men. This man is displaying the behavior of a play boy and is still waddling in his season of singleness. “Before you let someone into your heart, be prepared to close other open doors”. Hanging on to one’s pass, and opening a new door at the same time displays lack of knowledge on how to behave in a relationship and immaturity. Knowledge is power and this guy sure isn’t smart leaving his past open for his fiancée to find, OR, he doesn’t respect her feeling.


      1. 1.3.1

        THANK YOU THANK YOU!! ” this man is displaying behavior of a play boy and is waddling in his season of singleness”    very well said, I’ve been saying this to my man but we just don’t seem to agree.   This is such a touching subject… Id love to hear more options and perspective from guys out there that go through these things and women…. my issue, repeated “accidental” occurrences of nude women showing up on his social media personal accounts…. social media has sure added a twist on relationships, I want it to work, but everytime I feel able   to trust the rug gets pulled, BAM on my ass with yet another reality check that indeed he is still into looking or enjoying the visual stimuli of other sexy young women.    I feel insecure afterwards, and completely distant and ready to chuck relationships all together if this is the norm and to be accepted. I can’t will never and really don’t want to accept my partner enjoying visual of other women,   just me…. Now this is not to say random pictures, or random occurrences of real life folks that are beautiful are a threat, that’s normal… there are beautiful creatures everywhere, but being connected through accounts , having access for communication, and repeatedly watching the other women on video or still pics of nudity…. now Im having issues.   Yes Im insecure, no shame in being it when I feel its being caused… I feel like he’s causing the insecurities by sending me the mess that Im not enough.

  2. 2

    Evan said: “I’m suggesting that there is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth.”
    Evan I’m waivering on how I feel about this statement.   I agree with you that the fact the OP keeps bringing it up is her problem, especially the snooping she is clearly engaged in.   But, the fact that he would lie…doesn’t that bring up a question about his character also?   It sort of sounds like you are almost excusing his behavior because of her behavior.   I’m not sure that’s what you meant, so I thought I would ask you a few questions rather than assuming that’s what you meant.   🙂
    Hypothetically (since you already said your wife never asked) — would you lie to your wife if you thought she couldn’t handle the truth or you were sick of answering the same question over and over from her?   I would not lie to my S.O. just because he couldn’t handle the truth.   I would tell him that it was not relevant (and, if necessary, not really any of his business), and that if he didn’t like or accept my answer and kept bugging me about it, then we have a whole other problem (which may lead to breaking up).   But, I wouldn’t lie on the off chance that he would believe me and let it go.

  3. 3

    I have had 4 boyfriends – all from when I was 18-25) and at some point the question did come up between us of our number of sex partners and dating history. I never dated flashy alpha studs so the numbers were quite low, and we weren’t old enough anyway to have racked up large numbers. These weren’t particularly uncomfortable conversations. Years later, I’m still not opposed to the number coming up when I’m in a serious relationship again – after all, if you’re close, and getting married, it’s only natural to be curious. But nobody should be lying or changing their stories.  

  4. 4

    Ah, jealousy. Ask yourself, am I jealous because I have issues or does he give me reason to be jealous?   That’s your call.   To trust someone, there has to be a lot more positivity   than “I’m attractive”. Your looks have nothing to do with it. Look at celebrity land and the beautiful women who get cheated on.  
    Do you feel he is a trustworthy person? Maybe your values don’t chime and you’re out of synch even if he isn’t cheating. Not everyone circulates or keeps nude pics of exes. Not that I’ve ever checked!  
    I agree that if you are going to marry him, forget what he did and who he dated before he met you.   If it’s going to niggle you, don’t marry him. Marriage doesn’t magically fix a couple’s problems. Without trust you don’t have anything even if you were married for fifty years. I don’t know, can you make yourself trust someone when you don’t?  
    Honestly, if it was me feeling the way you do and with the “evidence”, albeit flimsy that I had “collected” (you can’t unsee it now), I would either a) completely have it out with him, every ex, what they did, why they broke up and if he cheated, what contact they have now, then start over with a clean slate and never mention it again or b) walk away. I don’t think you are going to swallow your doubts.

  5. 5

    Sorry, this guy sounds like a creep and she knows it – that’s probably why she is snooping. Continuing to receive racy photos from exes while engaged is a big red flag and is not something that I’d write off as just being pr0n or whatever. I’d actually feel better about it being general pr0n and not current pics from an ex fling…who is still comfy sending him those kinds of pics…because he gives her reasons to be.
    It’s interesting that she lists all these things her fiance does and then follows with an excuse for each. The thing I don’t get about women who snoop is that they go search for this stuff and when they find it, they throw these hissy fits and…that’s it. Don’t go snooping for stuff if you’re not truly prepared to leave if you find incriminating evidence!

  6. 6
    Jackie Holness

    And if you look, you will find…I don’t mean that she should ignore her gut if that is what is going on here, but as you said, Evan, if she can’t trust him then who wants to live like that?

  7. 7

    Feeling that someone can’t handle your truth isn’t a good reason to lie, it’s a good reason to reconsider the relationship.
    The guy got a girlfriend that snoops thrpugh his things- makes sense to me, he lies- she snoops. How could this be avoided? By him noI lying in the first place. Whether she should care about his number or not, she does. If he’d told her the truth initially, she could have left and they each could’ve found someone better suited to them. His lying just prolongs the drama.

    1. 7.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Jennifer – You don’t know that he’s lying. All you know is that she’s snooping, fishing for a lie.

      You’re assuming he’s guilty. I’m assuming he’s innocent until proven guilty. And having a sexual past, photos of exes or being in touch with exes doesn’t make him guilty of anything. If she doesn’t trust him, she should leave him. I’m simply explaining why an innocent man may be forced to lie to his girlfriend; she clearly can’t handle the truth, as evidenced by her embarrassing snooping habits.

      1. 7.1.1

        Evan, I see what you are saying. But if she’s fishing for a lie and finds one as she said, then he is definitely lying.

      2. 7.1.2

        I’m really curious why hardly anyone has addressed the elephant in the room here. Her FIANCE is keeping nude or sexually provocative photos of his exes, and still RECEIVING those photos from them while he’s engaged to her, as well as “several” phone numbers. Am I the only one who sees that is an issue here? When a woman is “snooping” she doesn’t trust her mate. Women have amazing intuition. What we DON’T often have is the guts to tell the truth and get out of relationships with immature, self centered men, but rather believe in fairy tales that we can “convert” them. And then usually go on to beat them up for “letting us down,” to which they cry out “she’s mean! I deserve to cheat!” rather than tell the truth from the beginning that they are unsuitable partners for us, and letting them go. Yes, I KNOW there are great things about him; there great things about about virtually anyone. But this kind of immaturity and self centered-ness will cause many problems later and won’t change without some kind of divine intervention (or massive will to grow up and commit on his part). Its super hard to tell the truth about people we love sometimes, its really painful to let go of relationships where there are serious character defects, but it will keep us from a lot of suffering later. Let him go. I would never marry a man who is still engaged in this kind of behavior. Evan, put the shoe on the other foot. You would be ok with your wife doing that? Seriously?

        1. Cassie

          Just one other thought. It doesn’t matter what he did in the past nearly as much as what he’s doing in the present. I would never “grill” a guy about his past sexual experiences and I don’t understand why women do. However, I am would be very aware of what he’s doing now and am smart enough to know that if he’s doing it now, he has likely done it in the past. Point is, what this guy is doing now is bad enough and its a deal breaker. What difference does it make what he did in past? Pretty irrelevant in my opinion. And frankly none of my business.

        2. Trina

          I agree with you.   Also if the past is no one’s business, then he needs to let go of the past truly by not living it still through photos.   Also, we all have discussionsome when getting to know one another.   We base our desire to move forward with an individual   on compatibility..if someone is lying about everything even past things that don’t need to be lied about. And things are brought to your attention through the years..then you realize more lies such as cyber sex , more naked photos   etc. You realize that your partner misrepresented   himself completel . You are living with a stranger with secrets and lies. Often I find they expect different from you and wouldn’t like it one bit if you were doing those things.   Those above makibg insults of the lady finding photos. Shame on you. He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing…it’s narcissist   who do destructive behavior, then punish the person they hurt. Action reaction folks


      3. 7.1.3

        Having been on the other side of this (my now-ex boyfriend snooped through my computer and accused me of things)

        i agree with Evan. It’s a horrible feeling to have someone violate your privacy, and of course you look guilty at that point — it FEELS guilty. I wasn’t cheating and would not consider cheating on someone I had made a commitment to. I don’t like a muddy, unclear life, and I don’t feel good with lies.

        So the snooping points to deeper problems, and I feel like at the point that shit occurs, the relationship is already over. It doesn’t matter if it’s “intuition” or trust issues or damage or fear — it’s a violation and the relationship is over.


        I am in a relationship now with a wonderful man whom I believe with all my heart is honorable. I would never touch his phone or snoop on him… because trust is a valuable, precious thing.   Have I been tempted? Yes, I’ve had a few moments of weakness, of wondering about his exes, etc. he’s a very attractive man who made the mistake early on of telling me too much about exes— it was an honest mistake: we are close friends.

        He tried to show his phone to me once when I was insecure early on. I shut my eyes and said “put that away, we are not going down that path.” His private world is his, and mine is mine. Choosing to reaffirm my trust is an energetic shift toward the positive.

        Yes there are a lot of temptations out there. Choosing to trust in the honorable nature of my man keeps us both strong together. It feels like respect — it feels like love.

      4. 7.1.4

        Evan, this isn’t a question of whether he’s doing anything wrong in their relationship – yet. I’ve actually addressed a similar situation in my own relationship.

        To be clear, I don’t care about how many women my boyfriend was with before me: that’s the past. I don’t ask him about it and he doesn’t ask me. That was then, and we are the now.

        However, I draw a line with keeping sexy/nude pics & vids of ex girlfriends on his phone and or computer. Even past sexty transcripts thru email or text. Why?

        It does not respect our relationship. And regardless of how anyone tries to normalize that kind of behavior, it’s only going to hurt the relationship. Because memories come with every photo and now he has a tangible reminder to visit and reminisce his past; and we all know that to have a future with someone new, you need to let go of your past.

        It’s also a lot like personal porn- there’s a chance those photos still turn him on, and I don’t want to know that he’s looking at pics of his ex, getting hard and then bringing that to me.

        But the OP has bigger issues if her fiancé is still getting sexy pics from women he dated: it means they don’t know he’s in a committed relationship. Instead of forwarding that nude pic to his friends, he should’ve told the girl who sent it that he is getting married and to stop sending them. Plus, most phones have call block on them, so he could keep those women from contacting him – if he wanted. He obviously doesn’t want it to stop or we wouldn’t be hearing about it now.

        But let’s address the real issue of why he won’t delete numbers or stop those women from contacting him: it’s an ego boost. Obviously his fiancé’s validation isn’t enough for him. He needs to know that whatever happened in the past, these women still want him. That’s probably not healthy either.

        We all have very good intuition. Hers was saying something isn’t right. Yes, snooping implies that there’s a question of trust. It doesn’t matter how old those photos or relationships were, what matters is how easily accessible they are now. And technology keeps everything one keystroke away, doesn’t it?

        So, while I agree that if she doesn’t trust him, she shouldn’t marry him, it’s for a different reason. If he’s doing this now, he’s obviously not ready to commit to a life with one woman and marriage won’t change him.


  8. 8

    Evan- she says when the subject of past relationships comes up, he always has a different answer. I took that as an indicator that he’d lied.
    I say a guy ( or girl) doesn’t have to lie about stuff like this, they don’t need to keep changing their story. Say what it is and if the person can’t handle it, let them go. No guy ( or girl) is forced to lie and ultimately, it doesn’t even do them good.

    1. 8.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      She said, “When the subject of past relationships comes up, he always has a different response as to the number of partners he has had and the seriousness of the relationships.”

      Well, if I have an insanely jealous girlfriend who is probing me for answers, I’m very conscious that the wrong thing can set her off. Do I tell her I slept with 25 women in one year? Will she judge me morally? Will it turn into a fight? Do I tell her that I once dated my good friend, Cassie? Because she’s already jealous of Cassie, and I wouldn’t want to create more friction there… Her jealous begets his lies, you see?

      Ultimately, the answer is for men to dump jealous women and for women to choose men that you can naturally trust without interrogating and snooping.

      1. 8.1.1

        Evelyn might not be a jealous woman; it’s very clear that she have trust issues and maybe, just maybe these issues did not  suddenly arrived in her present relationship. However, well said Evan.

  9. 9

    Between Evelyn’s “he always has a different response as to the number of partners he has had” and “a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend” (how did she find all that out unless she’s gone through his email too?), and her fiance’s “When I asked him why (he didn’t delete his exes’ phone numbers), he said it’s because he doesn’t want to answer when they call“, I think these two deserve each other. Like a friend of mine once said, it’s a crazy match made in crazy heaven.

  10. 10

    Stop trying to play the “I’m  cool with it”   girlfriend. You are not cool with him keeping ex girlfriend’s phone numbers in his phone. You’ve been together 2 yrs-you’re getting married,  if he keeps in touch with ex’s from time to time he shouldn’t be afraid to have told you that long ago. Keeping the numbers so he’ll know not to answer is baloney. Why would women he didn’t want calling, actually BE calling after 2 yrs?
    And nude/ provocative pics of ex’s on his computer? After 2 years together? Uh uh. This is not appropriate. Ex’s sending him sexy pic’s when he is engaged is not appropriate. Forwarding such pic’s to his friends is juvenile.
    Tell him these things HURT you. You are not cool with this. TALK to him calmly and get the point across. No need to yell or scream, you just want him to understand this kind of thing is for single guys, not for you as a family.
    Forget about his “number”. You already know it’s higher than yours. It doesn’t matter how many came before as long as you’re the last. I hope you can reach a place where you trust him and can stop snooping. That is a terrible way to live and will eventually destroy your relationship.

    1. 10.1

      Brilliant reply.

  11. 11

    I see your point Evan, but I disagree with the origin of the problem here.   If she asks for details, and he has slept with 25 women in one year, he should tell her so. If it turns into an issue, a fight, or if he’s judged then he should break up with   her. Why try to placate someone that is not okay with who you are as a person? Why would he even still want her around at that point? Because of his changing stories she felt the need to get to the bottom of things herself. Do I think that’s wise of her? No, Ithink it you believe you are being lied to you sUhould just leave- no need to find a smoking gun. But it all could’ve been avoided if,when asked the question, he told it like it was.  
    If i ran across a guy that only wanted to date a woman who had slept with 2 or fewer men, should i lie to him so it won’t start a fight, so he won’t think less of me, because I think it shouldn’t matter, because I know I’m a good person? Hell no! He is entitled to his criteria, whether I agree or not. I’d save us both a lot of trouble in the long run by just being upfront.

  12. 12

    I think that if you are engaged to be married to someone, they should be able to tell a consistent story about the nature and seriousness of their past relationships. Not only does he keep the old phone numbers of women he’s dated for the lamest possible reason, but he still keeps “many” nude photos of these women? After two years? These should have been deleted long ago. Evelyn also writes, “After we were already engaged, a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend.” That photo also should have been deleted, not forwarded around on the internet.
    I’m betting Evelyn is wondering, and rightfully so, if these relationships are actually over, and if her boyfriend is cheating on her. She’s asking him about his number of partners because she suspects that that number is still growing. Do I agree with her method of snooping around? No, she should be able to sit down with her boyfriend, and confront him with her concerns. But I also suspect that she thinks he’s lying to her, and so she snoops in order to see if she can catch him red-handed.
    The problems in this relationship go beyond Evelyn’s “insecurities”. Until these issues are worked out, I’d call off this engagement. Marrying someone you don’t fully trust is a recipe for disaster.

  13. 13

    Jennifer, he may not remember precisely the number of women he slept with. Some liassons may have been so brief and insignificant they don’t always register. Why would she keep asking him after he answered  the first time anyway? Why is this even an issue after 2 years together?  

  14. 14

    Ruby, I read your post immediately after submitting mine. Thanks for answering my questions. 🙂
    I suspect you are right –   on all counts.

  15. 15
    Karla (NineGPS)

    What a great blog!!! It is clear this relationship needs more time at a very minimum. We all need to remember how powerful our intuition is and in my humble  opinion  when we ignore it we pay can pay dearly. Without knowing all the details around their own history with dating, one should not speculate. I totally agree with Evan that women should not ask the question about past lovers. Stay in the  beauty  of your future and leave it all in the past. Many women cannot seem to help themselves from wanting to dig up garbage. I fell into this  category  too.  

  16. 16

    Sorry, Evan. Been there, done that. There is ZERO reason to keep semi-nude and nude photos of people you used to screw on your phone. Only a man or a pathetic woman would say that or not have a problem with that. How many partners someone has had is relevant to decide if I want to be w/ someone who would put his dong in a donut. Yes, the past is the past. But, my health is more important than your precious privacy in this instance.
    I am so incredibly SICK TO DEATH of how many people expect you to accept utter BS for something that is patently wrong. Period. And I am even more sick of women today who think that if they don’t accept porn or inappropriate friendships, they will never find someone or they are unevolved. Have some damn standards and then maybe you will find happiness.
    No, men and women don’t view sex or feel the same way. But, call a spade a spade. He’s shady and unless and until he can be a REAL man and grow up, she should walk.

    1. 16.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Sasha – I wasn’t aware that it was necessary for someone to delete the entire electronic footprint of his/her past. Do you think I ever asked my wife if she threw out her first wedding album? Or if she’s ever gone back to look at it in the six years we were together? Of course not. It’s in the past. She’s with me now. Why should I care if she has happy pix, loving pix or naked pix of her ex? That’s right. I shouldn’t. Because I’m secure in my relationship. Similarly, if said pix are on her phone or in an old shoebox, it doesn’t bother me either. They’re hers – they’re a piece of her past. How insecure do I have to be to worry about a man she broke up with?

      Am I “accepting something that’s utter BS”? Is my wife “patently wrong”? Is it inappropriate for my wife to talk with her ex husband on occasion without telling me all the details? No. No. And No.

      I have no idea if the OPs boyfriend is a player or a liar or a loser. All I know is that his girlfriend is an insecure snoop.

      1. 16.1.1

        She. Never. Said. That. She. Snooped. I’m speaking slow for you, Evan, because you don’t seem to understand the meaning of the words “infer” and “biased.”

        1. Paco

          Spot on, Cle.

  17. 17
    Some other guy

    Having phone numbers or pictures is one thing, but any man who violates the sanctity of an intimate relationship by forwarding a nakey pic to *anybody* else is a dirtbag, and this tells me that he’s a creepy guy who’s giving her good reason to be suspicious.
    But rather than man up and send the guy packing, her insecurity drives her own creepy/snoopy behavior and presumably finds what she expects to find.
    These two seem meant for each other.

    1. 17.1

      OM. Evan! Why don’t you reply to this comment? Why are you so obsessively focused on “maybe the guy is lying for a good reason?” “Maybe you women are just crazy” thats what you sound like. In. Every. One. Of. Your. Replies. You’re a broken record. A defender of male misbehavior in the guise of being a help to women. all you said was: “I will ignore most of what you said reader and focus on the fact that I believe that you are snooping.” you know what. SHE NEVER SAID THAT SHE SNOOPED. you inferred that and just said “yup I am right, and will make all my advice based on this.” You try to placate readers by saying “I’m not biased. I swear”  

      but it you know what? You choose which email you respond to so its kind of interesting that all of your answers to these letters are: “women are insecure” “men have rights to lie to you if you’re crazy” “a good woman leaves a man alone” “he just doesn’t like you so just move on but I’ll just ignore his disrespectful behavior because hes a guy”

      so yeah freaking address why you thought it was appropriate for this douchebag of a fiancé thought it was okay to forward naked pics to another. For once in your life talk about what it means to be a good person.

      my advice to you though this is years too late, dump him. Some other guy will make you happier without all this baggage. You can meet a guy that doesn’t keep naked pics of his exes and even if he does keep their phone number you feel comfortable that he will tell her to never disrespect your relationship if she sends him anything inappropriate. You know how I know because i know real 3d with a moral compass men who have dome these things without being asked. so I hope you found someone that makes you happy by just being themselves.   

  18. 18

    Some Other Guy #19
    “But rather than man up and send the guy packing, her insecurity drives her own creepy/snoopy behavior and presumably finds what she expects to find.”
    I agree with you mostly, but I also believe that Evelyn is making excuses because she thought this guy was her soulmate. When she says, “After we were already engaged, a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend, I guess to prove the fact that she was still not over him,” that sounds like total denial to me. Why should her fiance need to prove anything about a former lover – why should he need the ego boost when he’s in a serious, long-term relationship, for Pete’s sake? Why should he do something so distasteful as to forward such a photo to his friend? Why didn’t he simply delete the photo, and block the woman from further contact? Isn’t that what you would expect from a man engaged to be married?  

    1. 18.1


  19. 19

    Why is everyone assuming that she snooped? It does’t say that anywhere.

  20. 20
    Karl R

    Sasha said: (#18)
    “How many partners someone has had is relevant to decide if I want to be w/ someone who would put his dong in a donut. Yes, the past is the past. But, my health is more important than your precious privacy in this instance.”
    You’re shockingly naive about STIs.
    I know one of my ex-girlfriends had an STI (Hepatitis C). She had zero sex partners before we started dating. (She received a contaminated blood transfusion as a neonatal.)
    If you want to protect your health, both of you ought to use protection and/or get tested for STIs. If you expect the number of sex partners to tell you something, you’re deluding yourself.
    Jennifer said: (#13)
    “If she asks for details, and he has slept with 25 women in one year, he should tell her so.”
    He should tell her that it’s none of her business. If it matters that much to her, she can find a different boyfriend.
    Selena, (#15)
    You’re probably correct about the boyfriend not remembering. I would struggle to figure out how many sex partners I had, and I’m near the average. Part of it depends on which relationships get included. What if we only had oral sex? What if we only got to 3rd base?
    I know that’s three different numbers, and I don’t remember any of them off the top of my head.

    1. 20.1
      Mrs Happy

      numbers/statistics matter in health matters; Sasha makes a sensible point. In some countries in Africa 50% of heterosexual adult males are HIV positive, so if someone lived there for 4 years and had a variety of sexual encounters and surgery in a rural hospital once….if your current girlfriend used to work in the sex industry in Thailand servicing hundreds of men a week….if your current boyfriend has spent every weekend over the last 3 years having sex with new ladies every night…these statistics matter to the risk I take in any sexual encounter. Condoms do not prevent all sexually transmitted diseases. All people on this earth do not use condoms for all sexual encounters.
      Proper testing for sexually transmitted diseases can take months (because sometimes new infections don’t record as positive for a few months) and in those months the tested party has to have zero risk behaviours (no sex/needle sharing/blood transfusions etc) so it is impossible for people having casual sex with strangers to demand full testing before every sexual encounter. That’s why Sasha likes numbers and honesty in this regard – she can make an estimated risk calculation in her head particularly with regard high risk people.

      1. 20.1.1
        Karl R

        Mrs Happy said:

        “it is impossible for people having casual sex with strangers to demand full testing before every sexual encounter.”

        I can (and did) require that a condom was used for every sexual encounter. No condom, no sex.

        And somehow I dated for years, and got married, without dating anyone from sub-Saharan Africa or dating any Thai sex workers.

        Let’s try to keep this in the realm of reality.

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