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Needless to say, I became disenchanted and did something I had never done before.
One Friday night after she refused my invitation for dinner and dancing because she needed to get her rest, I went online and perused the singles ads. I connected with someone who was really into stimulating conversation, going out, and basically living a varied life. I never told this person I lived with my girlfriend and somehow she found out and called her. My girlfriend moved out and didn’t even shed a tear. I know she was hurt, but it’s just her way of expressing herself. We tried to reconcile, but the “other girl” would call and antagonize the situation with lies. I haven’t seen this girl since my girlfriend and I broke up. My girlfriend says she can’t trust me and she’s scared I will hurt her again.
Recently, I ended up in the hospital for an unrelated condition, and she was there for me.
However, as soon as I left the hospital, she cut off ALL communication with me. My question: Is this relationship worth pursuing, and if so, how can I get her to understand that I love her and want to marry her. I do want to work things out, but I want us BOTH to make concessions to make each other happy.
Thanks,
A
You can tell a lot by how someone tells a story. And what your story tells me is that you somehow think that your ex is to blame for the demise of the relationship. The focus of your letter is on what she did wrong, SHE spends too much time working out, SHE refused dinner and dancing, SHE moved out without crying, SHE cut off all communication with me.
Hey, buddy?
YOU cheated on her!
Now, because of the way you told the story, it’s impossible to tell what exactly was entailed during your infidelity.
You seem to think that it doesn’t matter because your cold ex doesn’t know how to compromise. Well, I can tell you, my friend, the details of your Friday night excursion absolutely matter.
It’s impossible to tell what exactly was entailed during your infidelity. You seem to think that it doesn’t matter because your cold ex doesn’t know how to compromise.
Did you sleep with the woman in the singles ad?
Did you go out with her once or did you see her for a full month?
Did you pull away from your girlfriend emotionally when you started having your affair?
My guess is that the answer to all of these questions is “yes” and yet there is no sense that you’re taking any real responsibility for the demise of your relationship. I think it’s pretty clear that you’d still be together if you weren’t caught cheating.
But the real question, A, is this: Why?!
Why would you want to be with a woman who makes more time for her jogging than her boyfriend? Why would you want to have a future with a woman who treats your relationship “superficially” and “dispassionately”? Why would you want to marry a woman who would rather sleep than enjoy dinner and dancing with you?
Just because I’m beating up on you doesn’t mean I’m defending her. Frankly, I have no idea what you were getting out of your relationship. But since you’re the one who wants to reconcile with this selfish woman who, in your mind – drove you to cheat on her, I figured that I’d point out to you all the holes in your story.
You know exactly what to expect when you get back together, the same thing that was so dissatisfying that you had to seek out another woman.
Namely, you can’t claim to be the victim when you were unfaithful and got caught. She has every right to leave you and not trust you, and it would be impossible to suggest otherwise. Your focus on how you were justified in your actions is the most surprising blind spot in a blind email.
But the real thing for you to consider is what exactly you have to gain through reconciliation.
Fact is, you spent a year with this woman and you know exactly what to expect when you get back together, the same thing that was so dissatisfying that you had to seek out another woman.
I think your girlfriend did you a favor by breaking up with you. It gives you a good chance to do some soul searching and figure out what you’re really looking for. If it’s another jogaholic who makes no time for you, you can probably find her at 6:30am working on her abs at the gym. But to try to get the old jogaholic back, the one that you cheated on? That’s a big waste of both of your times.
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
starthrower68 says
Hmmmmm…..it would appear – based on the story – that our poster wants to CHANGE this girl. I’m not defending her obsessive workout habits; exercise is an essential part of a healthy lifestyle when done in balance. But this girl was no doubt like this before he met her and when he met her, so there’s nothing new under the sun her. We often get ourselves into these situations, knowing full well how someone is, but then complaining about it later, and wanting to change the other person. I would say they’d both better off going there separate ways. He should look for someone who will invest more time into a relationship and the girl should look for someone who can take responsibility for his own actions and can accept her as she is.
downtowngal says
The heading of this question says it all – DUH! She hasn’t met his emotional/pysical needs in a while AND he cheated on her. So, yeah, WHY would he want to get back w her? As a way to reconcile his own behavior. Nevermind what it would mean for her. And the woman who he went out with and lied to – he used her as a way to test his own relationship.
If things weren’t going well in the relationshp to begin with, deal with it. Cheating in this way is a cowardly and a surefire way to end your relationship.
This guy sounds incredibly selfish.
hunter says
It may be time for this man to move on. EMK’s dating online course may make it easier for him to do that.
thomas says
It almost sounds like the guy is lonely.
This is what I meant before when I talked about how some people can be in a worthless relationship.
In a previous topic, I talked about how some women that I have talked to claim to have been in a relationship for a decade or more and looked down upon me when I tell them that my longest has only been for a few months. When I talk to them and ask why it ended, they usually say it was over the moment it started.
Some people seem to be in a relationship just to be in one. You may share the same mail box, but that is about it.
What I feel is that this guy is the same way, he wants to be in a relationship just to be in one. He seems not to care about her, but to only care that he has someone, anyone.
He has been with this woman for awhile. Yet, he still does not know how to catch her attention and get her to go out. He lives with her, but never has any quality time with her. It sounds to me as though she is a stranger that he pounds once in awhile.
If you are living with someone for a long period of time and you do not know her, then you will never know her. At this point, if you do not know what makes her tick, then you are never going to know what she is thinking. Here you have a stranger that you are willing, wanting to marry. Why? She might be a pretty face, but it sounds to me that is all that she is. It almost seems like she is just someone that you can throw on your arm to take out into public.
A stranger that is pleasing to the eye, that is all that I am getting from this. Do not be in a relationship just for the sake of being in. Do not get married just to get married. I have seen way too many divorces because of this. If things are going bad, just squash it and be done with it. If I can see things are going down hill and are not going to get better, then just end it. I do not give up on relationships. Yet, when I see they have gone past a certain point, just make a clean break and be done with it. It will save you headache in the long run. Do make it drag out longer than it has to.
This is what I mean by 12 years of marriage and 10 years of hell. The first two were good, but the last ten were awful.
I have a number of people who are pushing me to get married right now. I have a guy my same age asking me why I have yet to get a bride and start a family. I refuse to pop kid out of a woman just to have a kid. A kid is not a zit that you pop out at random. I have seen too many parents get together not because they love each other but because they want to get married to say that they have done it, to start a family because that is what everyone told them they should do. As time goes on, and in their 30′ or 40’s, they come to a point that they grow up. They realize that they do not have to do things just because everyone tells them they have to. They even come to the conclusion that they really do not like each other and that they only got together because some said that they would make a good fit. They have no connection with their children and it is a horrible family.
Overall, parents as strangers raise strange kids.
If you are just lonely and want someone around, get a puppy. They need constant attention and will be there to lick your face and need to be walked a lot. I have one right now that constantly chews on my hands and arms when I sleep to let him out in the morning. He is always ready to go out, has lots of energy, and always willing to play. If you try to ignore him, he will take his paw and bat you with it until you pet him.
If you want someone to start a family with, get married to, or date, find someone that you feel a connection with. Just because you share a bathroom does not mean that you are a couple, it means that you are flat mates. I see a lot of people who share a flat with each other. It does not mean that they like each other, it just means that they can tolerate each other.
Two people can get along well, that does not mean that they can get along as a couple. Just because a couple looks good together, it does not mean that they a good fit.
Know who you are and how the other person looks at you.
If you want to get married to just get married, then there are a lot of strangers in magazines that you can order from Russia.
If you want to take things to the next step, it should be because the relationship is ready. You should not take things to the next just because….. for no real reason. It seems that you do not even know who this person is. It seems that you are ready for the long haul with a complete stranger.
Be aware of what you actions today could produce tomorrow.
Man I really went on a rant with this one……………….
Dina Strange says
Absolutely LOVED your response…Thank you.
Also it seems a girl is addicted to exercise. I used to have it, the remnant of the competitive gymnastics past. It’s a mental thing. She has anxiety and that’s the way she deals with it, by working out. It’s not gonna work long term, she needs to face her issues head on.
hunter says
A rather long dissertation, however, somehow, I sense women don’t think that way, and they never will.
Ben says
Good advice from Evan, but this reads more like (better) Cary Tennis-style relationship advice than EMK dating advice. Let’s see more dating advice!
I imagine you get many similar questions, but there is no harm in repeating lessons from past columns if they were a few years ago certainly.
Seductress Within says
A,
Ask yourself this question:
If she stayed exactly the same way that she is right now, would you be happy in a relationship with her?
My guess is no considering you haven’t been happy during the whole year you’ve been together. Trying to change people into someone else is always a recipe for disaster.
It doesn’s sound like she will take you back anyway, but you need to address your own motivation for wanting someone who doesn’t even make you happy.
Good Luck!
downtowngal says
actually, hunter, I find much of what thomas said to be true. Often times people marry for the wrong reasons. But I also think thomas’ post says more about thomas than about relationships, and he doesn’t sound too keen on marriage.
I know many people who are married and very happy because they settled down with the right one and have realistic expectations about relationships. I grew up in a household with two parents who love each other and are still together after 50+ years.
I also think that if someone – especially a man – wants to get married & have kids, they’ll look for that and not just wait for it to happen. And that’s no reason to poo-poo those who do. I get the sense that tomas really doesn’t want to have this in his life right now, otherwise he’d be seeking out partners who are more compatable for him, not jaded women.
Sayanta says
I totally agree with Thomas.
mic says
“Why? She might be a pretty face, but it sounds to me that is all that she is. It almost seems like she is just someone that you can throw on your arm to take out into public.
A stranger that is pleasing to the eye, that is all that I am getting from this.”
Bingo! He was first to point that out. What’s more, no matter how obsessive she is about being “healthy,” her looks will decline. Appearance is important, but it’s no basis for a long-term relationship.
mic says
Also, the story illustrates something that deserves formal scrutiny: desirable men doing online dating already being in relationships.
How to spot them would make a good blog entry, by the way.
thomas says
downtowngal
I think that relationships should be natural and not forced.
This guy of topic is trying to force something that is not going to happen.
I guess that I can go from one extreme to the other with my posts as far as the length.
downtowngal says
Thomas, I agree with you in that relationships shouldn’t be forced.
But if someone wants to get married or be in a relationship, they’ll seek it out. That’s not to say that someone should just pick the first person who comes along, but that the seeker will look for someone with compatable qualities. Often times I see guys who say they want to be in relationships, then meet & date terrific women, only to sabotage the effort. Or compatable people come across their path, but these guys are in such a negative funk about not meeting anyone or not seeing the point that they bypass the effort, and end up dating women who aren’t compatable.
Sayanta says
I think this guy would make a great novelist- I actually felt sorry for HIM after I read his ‘dilemma” because of the turn of his phrases. Then I came to my senses.
Steve says
Totally off topic.
You know those articles claiming that romantic love lasts only between 1 – 3 years.
Well magic has a way of sneaking back into nature. This “study” found evidence that 1 in 10 couples married over 2 years still have those romantic patterns in their brains:
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article5439805.ece
hunter says
If you think 1 in 10 is good odds, stay away from Las Vegas.
Jennifer says
@steve #15- good article!
Kevin says
I think sometimes you can and should forgive a cheating spouse or partner. But in most cases it is unforgivable and to try to change someone’s mind is almost impossible.
Lance says
Wow, tough advice on this one from EMK, but I agree all the way around. Why be with someone who makes no time for you and gives you a low priority? Yuck. There’s plenty of great women out there, this dude needs to go get himself another one.
I do want to point out one thing. From my perspective, I understand why he would start looking for other chicks and even initiate an email relationship, or whatever it was. This is a natural reaction. His process of dealing with his current relationship was all wrong, though, and he needs to get that sorted out. My guess is A didn’t have the stones to stand up to his girlfriend, which suggests a lack of confidence and security in himself. My prescription: He needs to be single for awhile and date around.
Lance´s last blog post…Thought Leader Interview Series: Asian Rake
Ms. Melissa says
I never will understand how all this confusion happens in a relationship. She refused to do this or that. Why not go to her and tell her how it feels to be refused and that you are needing attention. It seems no one really spells out to each other what their REAL problem is before falling into bed with someone else. Which by the way never fixes anything.
Ms. Melissa´s last blog post…House of Mouse also the Knock Out Round
downtowngal says
Ms. Melissa, I agree w you 100% about communication. Unfortunately, in too many cases actions speak louder than words.
While I’m NOT justifying how this guy handled his relationship, I’ve found that sometimes talking it out doesn’t create results because people either don’t change or don’t want to change. Like when the guy you’re dating does something out of line (again) and you”ve already called him on it before. So this time you give him the silent treatment and all of a sudden he gets it and finally apologizes.
I doubt that this guy bothered to have a constructive chat w his gf. Or maybe he raised the topic but she got defensive and yelled at him; or maybe he was abrupt in how he brought it up.
I guess my point is, I can see how wires get crossed. I think it takes a great deal of maturity and confidence to have a fulfilling, lasting relationship.
Selena says
Sounds to me like a case of wanting the gf back because she now doesn’t want him. Somehow that makes her much more attractive than the boring, exercise-fiend, in bed asleep by 9 woman he lived with for a year.
To quote Supertramp, “Not much of a girlfriend, but she’s the only one I got”.
Can’t feel sorry for the guy given his actions (and notable lack of remorse), but I have to agree with Evan–her leaving him was doing them both a favor. Move on. This relationship wasn’t going anywhere good and marriage would certainly NOT make it any better.
Michael Ejercito says
A,
if you have to ask such a question…
Maria says
Interesting letter, question posed and thread. Wanted to add in my two cents. As a woman, I can honestly tell men that it is completely possible to destroy a womans pure love for you. One major mistake, such as cheating, or being abusive and a woman may never be able to look at you the same again. EVER.
It’s over A, learn from your mistakes and chock it up to life experience.
P.S. I don’t believe you two were a good fit anyways, otherwise your needs would have been met, and you would have never drifted onto the online scene. BTW when you are already involved and drift onto the online scene claiming to be single..you give all men out there a bad name. Nothing good can ever come from starting out with a lie, as you found out.
searchingwithin says
Ms. Melissa,
I agree with you, and was wondering, out of all these comments, when someone was going to wonder that. Nowhere in this guy’s letter did he mention trying to communicate, his needs that weren’t being met to his girlfriend. Nor did he state he attempted in anyway to join her in some of her interests. He found it all too simple to go Online and find him someone to use.
And by communicate, I do not mean talk at someone, but to talk and be heard. To express your feelings rather than pointing a finger, which this guy is very good at, by the way.
~Best Wishes~
searchingwithin´s last blog post…Me2Everyone The Virtual World of Social Networking
Denise says
This relationship did not sound happy at all, guess it’s not just women that are ‘blind’ 🙂 (can’t believe he wanted to marry her after all that drama). Maybe SHE was ‘just not into him’.
willem says
its true he did not take resposibillity. A person should end it if it doesn’t work. Bottom line. But I know how he felt.
Katie says
Evan says “But since you’re the one who wants to reconcile with this selfish woman…”
It’s not selfishness. Not normal selfishness at least. It’s an eating disorder. As someone who struggled with this in my early twenties, I recognize a lot of her behaviors as things I did when I was at my worst.
She’s spending almost all her free time exercising or preparing too exercise. And she’s going to bed at 9:00PM. She’s doing this to avoid being tempted to eat late at night.
She’s thinking about her health and size every waking moment. This is not “health nut”, this is actual issues. She doesn’t think she’s fat (which is a common misconception/assumption about anorexia), she’s terrified of gaining weight or having her body change for the worse at all and she’s responded by over-doing it so much that she is not enjoying things that she should be enjoying. She didn’t want to go out to dinner because she had already hit her calorie allowance. She didn’t want to dance because she didn’t have the energy/motivation and she would be tempted to snack. It’s easier to sleep. You don’t snack when you sleep.
She has issues. The OP has issues too of course, but she has undiagnosed anorexia.
Mrs Happy says
Katie @ 28,
She may have an eating disorder, but she may not. She might just be someone who likes to exercise a lot, needs 9 hours sleep a night, and doesn’t need to be with her partner for many hours a week. Lots of people are like this – look at men married for years, who work 5+ long days every week, and spend only moments with their wife and kids on the weekends, preferring their own hobbies, home office, down time. I know lots of men who would happily only engage with their wives to eat dinner and have sex, and prefer to spend the rest of their home time in their man cave/home office/study/shed.
The woman discussed in this letter may just be best partnering up with a man who only wants to spend a few hours a week with his woman.