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I had been with my girlfriend for just about a year. Throughout the relationship, I have always felt that she approaches “us” superficially and somewhat dispassionately. To make a long story short, she is really into being healthy, almost to an unhealthy extreme. Up at 6 to jog, workout tape at 7:30 and off to work by 8. Comes home, and goes to yoga at 6, returns by 8…only to be in bed by 9 each night (including weekends!).

Needless to say, I became disenchanted and did something I had never done before.

One Friday night after she refused my invitation for dinner and dancing because she needed to get her rest, I went online and perused the singles ads. I connected with someone who was really into stimulating conversation, going out, and basically living a varied life. I never told this person I lived with my girlfriend and somehow she found out and called her. My girlfriend moved out and didn’t even shed a tear. I know she was hurt, but it’s just her way of expressing herself. We tried to reconcile, but the “other girl” would call and antagonize the situation with lies. I haven’t seen this girl since my girlfriend and I broke up. My girlfriend says she can’t trust me and she’s scared I will hurt her again.

Recently, I ended up in the hospital for an unrelated condition, and she was there for me.

However, as soon as I left the hospital, she cut off ALL communication with me. My question: Is this relationship worth pursuing, and if so, how can I get her to understand that I love her and want to marry her. I do want to work things out, but I want us BOTH to make concessions to make each other happy.

Thanks,
A

You can tell a lot by how someone tells a story. And what your story tells me is that you somehow think that your ex is to blame for the demise of the relationship. The focus of your letter is on what she did wrong, SHE spends too much time working out, SHE refused dinner and dancing, SHE moved out without crying, SHE cut off all communication with me.

Hey, buddy?

YOU cheated on her!

Now, because of the way you told the story, it’s impossible to tell what exactly was entailed during your infidelity.

You seem to think that it doesn’t matter because your cold ex doesn’t know how to compromise. Well, I can tell you, my friend, the details of your Friday night excursion absolutely matter.

It’s impossible to tell what exactly was entailed during your infidelity. You seem to think that it doesn’t matter because your cold ex doesn’t know how to compromise.

Did you sleep with the woman in the singles ad?
Did you go out with her once or did you see her for a full month?
Did you pull away from your girlfriend emotionally when you started having your affair?

My guess is that the answer to all of these questions is “yes” and yet there is no sense that you’re taking any real responsibility for the demise of your relationship. I think it’s pretty clear that you’d still be together if you weren’t caught cheating.

But the real question, A, is this: Why?!

Why would you want to be with a woman who makes more time for her jogging than her boyfriend? Why would you want to have a future with a woman who treats your relationship “superficially” and “dispassionately”? Why would you want to marry a woman who would rather sleep than enjoy dinner and dancing with you?

Just because I’m beating up on you doesn’t mean I’m defending her. Frankly, I have no idea what you were getting out of your relationship. But since you’re the one who wants to reconcile with this selfish woman who, in your mind – drove you to cheat on her, I figured that I’d point out to you all the holes in your story.

You know exactly what to expect when you get back together, the same thing that was so dissatisfying that you had to seek out another woman.

Namely, you can’t claim to be the victim when you were unfaithful and got caught. She has every right to leave you and not trust you, and it would be impossible to suggest otherwise. Your focus on how you were justified in your actions is the most surprising blind spot in a blind email.

But the real thing for you to consider is what exactly you have to gain through reconciliation.

Fact is, you spent a year with this woman and you know exactly what to expect when you get back together, the same thing that was so dissatisfying that you had to seek out another woman.

I think your girlfriend did you a favor by breaking up with you. It gives you a good chance to do some soul searching and figure out what you’re really looking for. If it’s another jogaholic who makes no time for you, you can probably find her at 6:30am working on her abs at the gym. But to try to get the old jogaholic back, the one that you cheated on? That’s a big waste of both of your times.

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.