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I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost a year now and things are good between us. We’re exclusive, I don’t doubt that he loves me and sees a future together, and he treats me very well. I really don’t mind his messy piles of clothes on the floor or his ineptitude in the kitchen. I don’t even care that he makes half the money I do. I’m just so thrilled that he’s sensitive, attractive, affectionate, and attentive, and that he chose me! He’s even commented about how happy he is with me because I’m so easy-going. It seems like a match made in heaven and I’m crazy about the guy. Except for one thing. And I just can’t tell if it should be a deal-breaker or not.
My concern is that he never asks me questions about who I am. He wouldn’t know anything about me if I didn’t volunteer it. I’ve always been the type to want to know everything about the person I’m in love with and I ask a million questions. I’ve asked him why he doesn’t have a curiosity about the experiences that have made me who I am or the dreams I have for my life, and his response has been “You tell me everything I need to know, why do I need to ask?” But if he only knew how much he doesn’t know! Some tough subjects just don’t come up over the dinner table. He has acknowledged my concern, but nothing has changed and I know I can’t make him change; but I thought by now we’d be closer emotionally because of the intimate things we know about each other that no one else does (or very few). A perfect example is the time we were discussing guns and I’d told him I’d never owned one because I am a felon. Wouldn’t you want to know about your girlfriend’s criminal history? Not him, apparently, and he still doesn’t.
I’ve never dated anyone before who didn’t ask at least an occasional question and it bothers me. If I start telling a story from my childhood or discussing my day at work, I think “He doesn’t care about this or he would have asked,” and I find myself cutting it short or not even bringing it up in the first place. Things are wonderful in so many other ways but this is beginning to really weigh on me and I’d love your advice from a man’s perspective: Is he a keeper? Is there a way I can naturally pique his curiosity? Can a man really be this poor at communicating? Thanks for your input/feedback. —Holly
I’m with you, Holly.
I don’t get people like this. I, too, am inquisitive, and am perpetually shocked when others are not just less inquisitive, but not remotely curious about me. No, “How’s your business going?” or “What are you working on next?” or “What’s your favorite part of being a father?”
You’re not going to win many friends if you never make anyone else in the world feel interesting.
The crazy thing is — as you’ve already acknowledged when you said your boyfriend is “sensitive, attractive, affectionate, and attentive,” these types of folks aren’t “bad” people.
But they are CLUELESS people who would be well-served to pick up a copy of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.
You’re not going to win many friends if you never make anyone else in the world feel interesting.
Which only provokes me to ask the obvious question: how did you let a disinterested guy like this become your boyfriend?
Wasn’t it obvious after, oh, I don’t know — Date 1 — that his conversational skills were all about what was going on in his life, at his job, what he saw on TV, his funny stories from college?
If you’re pretty, nice, and accept him as he is, he’s probably gonna be a happy camper.
Didn’t it bother you from the get-go that he couldn’t even feign interest in what makes you tick? Or did it really take a year to dawn upon you that you are pretty much a stranger to your own boyfriend — and that he primarily likes you because you’re pretty and patient?
Maybe I’m a little egocentric, but that shit wouldn’t fly with me. I love the fact that my wife wants to know everything about me — stories of crazy ex-girlfriends, old family photo albums, dusty old screenplays sitting in the back of my closet. The fact that she cares enough to be curious about my past is immeasurably warming and comforting. And even if I’m not as interested in her past as she is in mine, I can still name all of her family members, friends, exes, and co-workers.
Yeah, between us, there aren’t many silences in the Katz household.
As for whether he’s a keeper, whether you can pique his curiosity and if he can really be this poor at communicating, those answers are yes, no, and yes.
This is your boyfriend. He ain’t changing. If you can live with this, because he’s a kind, loyal person with a solid job and strong values, I wouldn’t judge you. Hell, you’ve survived this long and said that things were “good”. And if you bring it up with him and discover that this is as deep as he goes, you wouldn’t be out of line to think you could have a stronger connection with a guy who actually cares what comes out of your mouth.
But the more important overarching lesson to women is this:
Holly’s boyfriend isn’t an anomaly. This is why it’s not nearly as important how many degrees you have, languages you speak, countries you’ve seen or books you’ve read. If you’re pretty, nice, and accept him as he is, he’s probably gonna be a happy camper.
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Ileana says
I have 2 things to say:
1) I agree with what you said in your answer.
2) Evan, congratulations for baby no. 2! Your last newsletter moved me to tears. It was SO inspirational. I also loved the fact that you attached a photo of your wife with the little one. You have such a wonderful family!
Sorry for blurting it out here in the comment section – but i just wanted to declare my ever-lasting admiration and respect for you in front of all the people reading this! You rock!
Caroline says
Hi Evan,
my interjection here is basically to say ditto to Ileana’s comment. We so very much appreciate you, and wish you every blessing and good fortune in your personal life. You have my deep respect and admiration too.
You do indeed rock.
From Caroline, who is the Queen of Questions (I have only met two people in my life that I couldn’t think of more than one question to ask. They were HARD work conversationally. Usually I don’t have enough time to ask, and get answers for, all the questions that are sparked and come to mind when I meet people. I am an introvert too, but I don’t understand Holly’s man).
Evan Marc Katz says
I’m Evan Marc Katz and I approve of this message.
Julia says
Wait-you’re a felon? I might not have been sleeping with you for the past year but I certainly want to hear more!
EA says
I had a boyfriend like this. We are now ‘just friends’ and I am still amazed at how he can go on and on about every thing under the sun … except me or anything about me or even anything I am interested in. I share nothing with him and my whole value to him is if I am nice and friendly and quickly change the subject when he tells me he doesn’t want to talk about something.
I know that’s why our relationship failed and I’m not sad. It is truly as he deep as he goes.
koko says
you just summed up my ex, he never asked about my life EVER he was only interested in his own even though he swore he loved me. No effort was ever made to ask me any questions and we were in a three year relationship. I went overseas 5 times during that time he had zero interest in asking me about my travels. Now we’ve finally split up because I need to be with someone who shows an interest as I do them really he was a total narcissist..Im sad burelieved at the same time!
Unknown says
Yes indeed he is a narcissist. My daughter’s father never asked what daycare she was in, what schoo, what grade etc. Except once he had to pick her up in 6th grade and asked where is the school. Didn’t care about the name of the school either. It’s a mental disease
Lida Zurawsky says
A normal girlfriend would be thrilled to know about your adventures overseas. A guy friend should be even more intrigued.
Echoes says
I had a boyfriend like this as well. One time he did ask me a question concerning my feelings on an aspect of child-rearing. Well, I had a rather long, philosophical answer, but he cut me off and dismissed it as a “political rant”. That was the first time it really struck me he didn’t have much interest in my thoughts, feelings, opinions, experiences, etc. Basically, he was interested in me as a PERSON. We spent most of the relationship discussing his feelings and experiences. Given my nature is to be more of a listener, it took awhile for me to even notice, sadly. Looking back, I realized he never knew me, and he could not have loved me, because love is not selfish and isnt solely about how someone makes you feel. It is also about valuing someone deeply for who they are as a whole, separate person. There cannot be true intimacy if the emotional exchange only runs one way.
The last paragraph in this article is a bit disturbing because it suggests many men mainly view women as accessories to their life – an object to fulfill their personal needs (sexual and emotional). It suggests that they cannot offer real love and intimacy. That is precisely the thing that leaves some women to become dissatisfied with their marriage and to leave or have an emotional affair (which is inexcusable, but not without explanation).
Vivian says
So emotional affairs in a love-starved marriage is “inexcusable”, but one spouse viewing the other as a mere object for sexual/emotional/housework gratification is not?
Gabby says
In my opinion they are both wrong. One does not make the other okay. There is no excuse for either behavior period.
Alyssa says
The real litmus test for me would be if he is actually listening to what I’m saying, and can he remember what I’ve told him. So he doesn’t ask the right questions (which would bug me, too) but at least if he’s interested in hearing what I have to say- I could probably live with it. I guess it’s the difference between poor communication skills and just plain old not giving a shit.
Maybe you can give him a really simple request like- ‘It would make me happy if you asked how my day was when I get home’ If he’s willing, I think that would also say a lot about his desire to fulfill little requests that make you feel good- and that’s what would be most important to me. If that’s too much effort on his part it might not be a good sign.
Bri says
Ditto! Great reply. I completely agree. Kinda dealing with the same situation now but, as Alyssa said, I can tell he’s genuinely engaged, looking me in the eyes, etc so I think that’s the test. I know how you feel though, it really made me feel like he was not interested in getting to know “me” at all, but look for clues in the future that shows he was listening in the past. In the past couple months, I’m suprised how he noticed things that I talked to him about.. And not just noticed, but actually can tell he thought a lot about. I realized that, for as much of an extrovert my guy is, he is really introspective. I think the sensitivity outweighs the rest. I’ll take that any day of my manipulative narcissistic ex! 🙂 give it time though, if he doesn’t show any signs he’s actually been listening, or shows that he hasn’t been listening at all, ditch em! Good luck!
Ruby says
The OP wrote,”A perfect example is the time we were discussing guns and I’d told him I’d never owned one because I am a felon. Wouldn’t you want to know about your girlfriend’s criminal history? Not him, apparently, and he still doesn’t.”
What was his response, “Oh, that’s nice, honey”? That isn’t something you tell just anyone. I’m gobsmacked that he didn’t ask about this! How does he handle it when there are problems or something goes wrong?
BTW, Evan, hearty congratulations on the birth of your son!
sarahrahrah! says
EMK, I think you are almost always right on with your advice and I’m very appreciative of your high quality writing. This post is no exception. (And a congratulations to the happy, chatty Katz household, too!)
One of the few priceless pieces of dating advice that was not penned by you was this simple advice: if you want to know how much a man likes you, pay attention to his interest level in you. Does he ask you questions? Is he curious about who you are? Those are the things you should pay attention to.
I’ve been with guys who were a little self-focused on first and second dates when they were nervous, but the ones who went on to become good boyfriends — all of them — were people who were curious about me.
Granted, I, too, think there are people out there who are not that deep and who just aren’t that curious. My sense when reading this blog and the regular posters in the comments section is that many of the people are communicators. I can’t speak for other people’s values, but I can tell you that having lived in a lonely marriage for a long time, it isn’t any fun when your spouse seemingly doesn’t give a crap about you, isn’t interested in anything about you and you aren’t sure if they even know your middle name. Let me tell you that if it bothers you now, it might really bother you when the gilding wears off a couple of years from now.
It’s fine to want to marry, but I would encourage people who are thinking about living with an issue like this one to think long and hard about what their future might realistically look like.
LS says
Ditto. Ugh.
I thought my husband was not a very good communicator.
Cut to 10 yrs later, he truly is just not interested in anything but his own life, and the things that interest him (superhero movies and karate).
BORING!
Great abs, yes. Great sex, yes. But man do I carry the burden of getting any conversations rolling! Surprisingly, when I do work my ass off, he can be coaxed into learning new things and showing interest. I drag him all over to galleries, museums, etc. and he does open up. Without me, it would just be the tv and movies I believe! Unfortunately, I do have to volunteer about my daily bits and pieces and ask, “Are you listening” about every two minutes. Usually, he is not.
If I had the chance to choose again, I would maybe have chosen differently.
Kayleigh says
It’s never too late to make changes and be happy!
Laurie says
My ex-husband of 30 years, at the mediator for the last time, said there was a “mistake” on the documents. My middle name was spelled wrong? “It isn’t Anne with an e is it?” he asked. The lawyer and I looked at him dumbfounded. 30 years and he didn;t know how to spell my middle name. This is a guy with a high IQ and low EQ! I shook my head and thought, This explains a lOT!
Tee says
lol wow
herman munster says
My bf of 5 years (soon to be ex) doesn’t know my eye color is green.
Jojo says
I’ve been married to a man like this for 28 years. Raised the children practically all by myself. I can’t take it anymore and I’m flying the coop. The marriage was always the least important priority. I wouldn’t wish a man like this on anyone. Once a bore always a bore.
Moe says
I think part of it may be that guys EXPECT women to just start dispensing information, whether they ask or not. They kind of think women like to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and never stop talking. Problem is there is a lot of women who love to talk….and those who dont.
Im one those rare chick who do not talk for the sake of talking. I can grow through days where I can say very little; I mind my own business. I dont really volunteer information unless explicitly asked.
What I am guessing is that your man is a ‘listener.’ He expects to listen and cater to you, rather than be explicit in his language and actions. Thats my guess. I find that Doers or action-oriented people are prone to talk more and ask direct questions, whereas shyer or laidback people are more likely to listen and keep to themselves. It just may be a personality/behavior trait.
halcyon_tc says
I agree Moe,
My bf is a very good listener and when I asked if he was curious about me because I’m starting to wonder why it seems he doesn’t ask as many questions about me as I do him, and his reply was, “I suppose I feel you’ll tell me if you want me to know”. So to him, it’s respecting my privacy.
In addition, he’s very observant – he generally knows how I’m feeling before I realize it myself.
So even though it’s true that there are clueless men and women out there, we have our own way of relating to the world and sometimes we just need to understand where they’re coming from and give them the benefit of the doubt (there must be a good reason for this that makes sense to this person, that may not be apparent to me right at this moment).
Angela Vittoria Elvebak says
That’s really nonsense. You are wasting time making excuses for him and what lacks in your relationship? Oh he knows what you feel, he tell you what you feel so you leave him alone. Don’t you want someone who cares enough to know you. Might be ok now, wait 10 yrs and he is cheating and like wont tell you why, and tells you how to feel about it. Dont settle.
Cheeky Gal says
I’ve been living a similar life for 21 years with my husband (and that’s why I’m on this site to see if at the ripe old age of 38 years old I can leave him and find true love). I met my husband when I was just a teenager and he was my first boyfriend (infact my first kiss). Because of my ethnic background and our culture (1/2 Lebanese 1/2 Greek) where men are hesitant to share their emotions and thoughts, I believed that men just couldn’t be deep.
However, this year, I met a guy who’s 10 years my junior and he knows how to share his deepest thoughts. I was gobsmacked to realise I spent most of my life with someone who I have never connected with. He makes no effort to converse with me but I’m not sure if it’s laziness or just indifference on his part. From your post, it appears your man seems to share a little about himself which is different from my husband (I’m not sure who has it worse lol). This one is so hard. Over the past two decades, I have felt VERY lonely when I see other couples talking (he also doesn’t show physical affection either) but someone once told me not to expect your partner to be your everything and emotional bonding is what girlfriends are for. Some lucky girls have the guys who know how to bond with emotional intimacy.
Ask yourself if he would make a good life term partner. Will he make a wonderful father. How would he support you when things dont go well in your personal life/work life.
If I could do my time again, I would pick a more sensitive and attentive male who can articulate his thoughts. With communication you can solve everything.
Freedom Finally says
I think you and I may be twins married to the same guy.
I’m fresh out and still confused, but learning. Why didn’t I walk, why did I allow this, where was my self esteem?! A friend would have been cut loose. Heck my dog is more interested in where I’ve been in my day… Thanks to Evan’s perspective and a couple other blogs, I’m starting realize that no, this is not, as he said, “just what happens to people in relationships” and that my expectations of affection, intimacy and honest interest were not, “unrealistic, so stop fantasizing.”
My man was near genius, but dense like a rock when it came to women, friendships or family. If I ever decide I am ready to try a commitment again, (I’m quite gun shy right now, and focusing on my healthy redevelopment), I too would choose a man with a heart stitched on his sleeve. I’m an alpha magnet, but a lil more beta would be a treat!
Afrogirl says
These men I’m reading about by the poster and in the comments sound like men with traits of Asperger’s syndrome. Someone go check them out.
Morgan Thompson says
Yes!!
So many times yes.
8 years w a man like this.
All i really need to ask is is this ok for me. Is this as happy with a man as i want to be.
If ur asking this… Thats says something doesnt it. Otherwise… Why would you even be thinking about this.
anon says
Exactly this! I am with a partner who is completely odd. He can’t offer any meaningful support if I am down. He has never asked about my history, though he does listen to me when I talk about issues. He asks questions and then changes the subject, even if it’s clear I am upset. Asperger’s is my diagnosis and I am a psychologist. Breaking free from this one, even though he has some lovely qualities. Overall it is just too frustrating and lonely.
Liisa says
I just replied and suggested this as well. I am pretty sure this is whats the center of all her concerns .
Lucky says
It’s none of my business, but reading your comment makes me feel so sad and rooting for you to leave your husband! You absolutely deserve someone you can truly connect and talk with, and that cares about you and appreciates you as a person. I don’t think that is not asking too much from a life partner/husband, in fact I think it is a very reasonable expectation. And 38 is still young to start again!
Fiona says
I guess the question is Holly, are you happy with someone like this? As someone who does have three degrees, has lived and worked abroad and reads lots of books, I don’t think I would like being with someone who showed no interest in any of it but that’s just me.
Helen says
Evan, congratulations to you and your wife on the birth of your son! I hope you will have a lifetime of happy memories together, and that your son will start sleeping through the night as quickly as possible. 😉
As to Holly’s questions: For me, at least, she doesn’t give enough information to make a judgment for or against her man. Holly, is this a man who loves to talk about himself, but never lets you get a word in edgewise? Or is he silent all around, so he doesn’t ask questions about you, but then he doesn’t talk much about himself either?
I would have more tolerance for the latter type. That’s the “strong, silent type,” and it’s nothing to take personally. If you wind up marrying this man, you would have a lifetime to learn about each other. Neither my husband nor I are big talkers, and we don’t have conversations where we keep asking the other person about his background, history, etc. Honestly, if we had to spend time with someone who did that to us, we’d probably feel annoyed, and think the other person was being intrusive. Then, if someone specifically said to either of us, “Why don’t you ever ask me questions about myself?”, umm… sorry, but we’d probably be even less likely to do so after that. We’d feel forced to make the type of conversation we don’t usually make, and no one likes to be pressured.
But if your man is the type who goes on and on about himself and has no interest in you… I’d flee.
Zoe says
Holly, Ditch the chump. I dated a guy just like yours – kind, affectionate, caring – except he never ever asked about me. I had to leave him. Don’t settle. There are guys out there who can form complete sentences and ask questions. Find someone who suits your own style of relating.
EMK, I love your site. I’ve been lurking for a few months now and I hope you don’t mind I’m going to steal some of that letter you wrote to your baby for my own son. hugs.
Goldie says
As someone who’s once been accused of doing pretty much the same thing as Holly’s boyfriend, I’ll have to go against the flow on this one. Personally, I like to talk, but I equally like to listen. I have many cool stories to share, and so do the men that I’ve dated. I have no problem sharing mine, and I love listening to them share theirs — people have told me some pretty amazing stuff about themselves in the past. That said, here’s one thing I do not like. I don’t like it if I’m always the only one talking. I do not like it if, whenever I stop talking, dead silence ensues. I do not like it if the other person would not volunteer anything about themselves and I have to give them the third degree to learn anything about their past, dreams, aspirations etc. I can learn to do it, but do not particularly enjoy it. One of the reasons being, I cannot tell if and when I’ve crossed the line between being interested in the person and being nosy. Everyone has their own boundaries, and if you give me no indication what yours are, then how do I know when I’ve crossed them? If my SO told me that he was a felon and then stopped right there and added nothing else to that info, I guarantee you I’d assume that he does NOT want to talk about it with me — at least, not yet — which is cool because he has a right to his privacy in a question as delicate as that. In that case, i would most definitely not pry. But I would feel really let down if he then turned on me and accused me of being uninterested in him, just because I hadn’t backed him up against the wall and badgered him till he gave up the information! This, BTW, is exactly how I understand Holly’s BF’s statement, “You tell me everything I need to know, why do I need to ask?” In his mind, if she doesn’t tell him something, then she does not want him to know that something at this point. The man is being respectful — which ties in perfectly with Holly referring to him as being “sensitive, affectionate, and attentive”! I cannot believe he’s getting flak for this from Holly, Evan, and just about everyone on this thread! Sheesh.
I’m not even going to go into the “why don’t you ask me about things you don’t know about” piece. How can he ask about something that he doesn’t know exists? it’s illogical. Hey why didn’t anyone on this thread ask me about the movie I saw last night? because you didn’t know I was on this thread, and because you didn’t know I saw a movie last night. Should I be offended? Are you being insensitive to me because of this?
mikki says
Goldie…I agreed with some of what you said but if someone drops, “I can’t have a gun because I am a felon.” They just told me and so I would be inclined to at least ask, “can you elaborate?” The fact that it was even offered probably means you are invited to ask them to expound. That is a bombshell. So if they drop it and you started questioning, they should not be surprised or then feel that now you are prying. Unless they dropped it and immediately said, “…but I don’t want to talk about it!” At some point though, it will need discussing. A potential spouse needs to know all gun incidents lol for their own safety, and to be sure they are not marrying someone who has a long rap sheet or is unstable. But many people would be a little shocked and at least say, “WTH!! WHAT HAPPENED!” before even thinking to control a response.
JoeK says
“I can’t have a gun because I’m a felon”, but doesn’t elaborate, tells me that’s all they want to discuss about it. My prying would be just that – prying.
I think this just goes to show that we don’t know enough about the OP’s situation, what it really looks like, what’s really going on.
gigi says
I don’t think it would be considered prying when you’ve been with someone for a year, sleep with them, eat dinner each night together… that’s a level of intimacy that makes more intimate topics ON the table.
Trey says
Good point Goldie & I appreciate your perspective, as it was very insightful. I fully appreciate someone being respectful of another’s privacy during conversations. However, there does come a time in a relationship where in order to go deeper, one must dive. I wholeheartedly agree with your logic argument of someone not being able to ask if they do not know something exists. The challenge is to know where those boundaries lie, for how long and can true intimacy be achieved if certain areas are not explored. Just a thought.
bella says
I see your point of view here, but, I think you are misunderstanding. You can sense when someone is interested. I think even if questions are not asked, then, when, for instance, stories are shared a bit, you can tell when someone is thinking of something else, disinterested, or just not indicating that they’d like to know more, for the sake of understanding you.
Morgan Thompson says
You said it.
” its illogical.”
As i said before been with a guy like OPs bf for 8 years.
My bf is just an extremely LOGICAL ( as he would respond to this) as he would say thinker. It doesnt matter about this – this is HIM. HIS PERSONALITY.
Like the answer in the post,
You KNEW he was like that. Its been fine and was fine obviously for you for awhile. Now if you are thinking this its YOU who has changed. Maybe this jyst isnt ok for you anymore.
But dont knock the guy. Or anybody this way, its their personality. Unique to them.
Joe says
1) …because we all ask our dates whether or not they’re convicted felons, right?
2) Maybe he doesn’t ask questions because you do all the talking?
jacob burns says
Joe’s girlfriend is named Smirnoff.
Helen says
Goldie, how was the movie you watched last night? 😉
No, as you can see, I agreed earlier with both you and Joe (#11). Holly needs to understand that not everyone is a blirter as she apparently is, and that when we don’t ask probing questions, it’s a sign that we respect someone – not that we don’t care.
mikki says
I didn’t see her as a “blirter.” I see her as someone who wants what she considers a more normal level of attention from her SO. She is doing what she can to save the relationship.
Francesca says
My boyfriend also doesn’t actively ask about my past. He does listen and he does remember what I say. He remembers things about my past that I’ve forgotten that I have told him.
I also have a feeling that a lot of guys have this. I regularly tell my boyfriend about stuff going on his closest friends/family.
me: “I hope Mark has grown up and stopped dating that 19 year old”
him: “wait… what… ”
me: “its been going on for a month sweetie”
him: “i should know this”
SnowdropExplodes says
I think the explanation is given right here: ‘his response has been “You tell me everything I need to know, why do I need to ask?”’
Sounds to me like he trusts Holly to tell him everything she wants him to know, and he isn’t going to pry into the things she wants to keep secret. Maybe he thinks asking about that stuff is rude, or maybe he just doesn’t want to push for stuff that isn’t on offer. (For example, maybe he thinks Holly doesn’t like to talk about the details of her conviction.)
One thing that is glaring in its absence from Holly’s account is what interest, if any, she pays to his life? Does she ask the questions of him that she wishes he would ask her? Does he talk about himself a lot without being asked? Does she know as much about him as he does about her, even?
Freya says
Hi all, I’m a first time responder after sitting back and reading this blog for a year or so. There have been lots of issues I have wanted to respond to but I guess have always been too lazy to but this one really strikes a chord with me.
I’m a 41yo, professional, single girl from Australia who has been dating for a couple of years and I am so with Evan on this one. I can not tell you how many times I have met a guy in person for the first time (through online dating) and have come away thinking ‘well they know nothing about me because they didn’t ask a thing’. And no, its not because I sit there talking about myself. On the contrary I, like one of the other respondents here, have a genuine interest in getting to know someone so I ask lots of questions, I engage and I listen. I leave plenty of silent moments so that the man has an opportunity to initiate conversation/questions and nothing happens. I had one date where the guy sat there for 3 hours talking about himself and his career (upon questions from me) and then when he walked me to the cab said ‘oh by the way, what do you do for a living anyway’. I used to say to my friends that my dates were always so easy, and relaxed but its been pointed out to me that I’m the one making it easy as I drive the conversation and ask the questions. I’ve realised that this is true so now I pull back from that but I find the dates are then excruciating because then there is no conversation. I find it just so disappointing that some men either just have no interest in getting to know someone at a deeper level or alternatively do not have the necessary skills.
I really feel for Holly and I’m not sure that I could stay in a relationship like that. To me that would always feel like things were on the surface. You want someone to want to dig deeper, want to know you, understand you. And its fine if some people are not like that but if the fact that they aren’t like that means that you aren’t getting some of your needs met then that is an issue. For me it is definitely a deal breaker.
mikki says
Well said. I completely agree. I too am very interested in learning about other people, their lives, pasts, their aspirations for the future, career, family. I also tend to drive certain conversations. Upon realizing this, I have drawn back. This usually makes the encounter very painful with long stretches of cricket concert (silence) and no real interest in who I am as a person. One sided conversations are very painful also, with the person constantly talking about how wonderful he is and then as an afterthought, maybe asking about a tiny part of my life. People who are very good at conversation or love to communicate have a difficult time sometimes with those who do not. I do not enjoy just sitting and looking pretty or being there just for physical interaction. We have to connect on other levels and this is done by communicating and being interested.
EmeraldDust says
I know what you mean about “one sided conversations”. I don’t like a guy who asks a billion questions but tells me nothing of himself, nor do I like a guy who only talks about himself and doesn’t seem interested in finding out about me.
I dislike those one sided convos also, no matter which side I’m on.
You could probably survey 50 people who have interacted with me, and some would probably describe me as “chatty” others as a “good listener” some would say I’m “too quiet” and others would say that I’m fun to talk with. Because when two or more people are conversing, it is a DYNAMIC. I think many people aren’t monolithically quiet, chatty, etc. in their conversational style, but rather that it is an interaction.
With people who have NOTHING or very little to say, I tend to try to fill up the space with my talking. I have tried letting the silence go on, but it really gets very uncomfortable when you say a few sentences and then stop, and get NO RESPONSE at all. Or you ask an open ended question and get a monosyllabic response or an evasive non answer.
On the other hand, I did go on an initial meet and greet with a man who wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. On the rare occasion that I was allowed to contribute, his response was to interupt with “That’s Stupid” or some other argumentative thing. He told me that I was a “good listener”. I just smiled and nodded, but what I really wanted to say was “Well I had no choice, you didn’t let me get a word in edgewise and when I did your response was rude”. But no, I just smiled and nodded, and needless to say, never saw him again.
If a guy has nothing to say or doesn’t let me get a word in edgewise, to me that’s an indication that we are not a good match. I like it when I am with someone and our conversation is like a pleasant game of ping pong, where the conversation is a balance mix of sharing of ourselves.
Jo says
Oh so agree. I met a man four months ago at a conference and then again a month later at another one. We had nice pleasant conversations.
He contacted me a couple of weeks after the second conference and basically said he wanted to get to know me, because he wanted to see if we could build a relationship together.
But when not in person, he shows absolutely no interest in my whatsoever. I’ve discussed this with me and he is making an attempt. What I do if he gives me nothing but monosyllabic replies and asks no questions is ask if he is busy. He always says no. I say I’m going to leave and do something. And I leave. I’ve also learned not to reach out to him but let him come to me, because he usually will talk then.
We are meeting in person again in six weeks and I really want to see how that goes, because his lack of questions makes me feel like he doesn’t give a shit about me and is only interested in a physical relationship. We have not been physical yet, and I’m wondering if I’ll ever hear from him again afterwards.
Yet, I ask myself why a man would spend months chatting with me, and I use that term very loosely, if he is only interested in sex? Then I wonder if I am nothing but a distraction, because his elderly mother lives with him and he must care for her a great deal.
I don’t know. He told me also that I’m pretty up-front about my life, but I then told him I had not told him the important stuff. He said that I will when I’m ready. I asked him how he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me if he knows nothing about me? He said he knew the first time he met me. He said if I really wanted to know him well, watch John Wayne movies. I’ve watched four to date and he will discuss these with me. He says it is all about never having to explain yourself to anyone and he gives others the same right.
Eva says
Holly,
You told your boyfriend you’re a convicted felon and he still trusts you??? Hang on to that prince of a man. You may not find another!!
The fact that he does not ask you about your life is not a lack of interest, it means he respects you!
Please don’t hurt him!!!
sarahrahrah! says
Sorry, but I have to call foul here.
The dude doesn’t bother to ask how her day was. That is a lot more problematic than somebody simply trying not to pry or respecting their SO’s boundaries on sensitive issues. It also makes for a very lonely partnership, imo.
mikki says
Yes thanks for calling bs on it Sarahrahrah! LOL
Stephanie says
Really, this is NOT a matter of communication styles ( as in, how much talk/how often) but of an emotional, intellectual and mental curiosity. I almost guarantee that Holly’s boyfriend is consistent in that regard.. I would be surprised if she said he is generally a curious, involved and stumulating person BUT he chooses to give her space and not be curious about her. Does he have anyone he really knows in depth? Someone he has a meaningful relationship with that goes beyond “how was your weekend?” types of questions ?
Susan says
Here’s what I think, speaking from experience. These types (like Holly’s boyfriend) want to avoid anything unpleasant, and figure ‘ignorance is bliss’-so they never ask questions that will skew their set opinion of anyone. They live inside themselves. They do not want to know.Living in the reality they create for themselves is preferable to messy real life. Tell him his interest is important to you and see his reaction. If nothing changes then you have your answer. If he ignores your needs now it will only get worse over time. Would you ignore him if he asked you for something important to him?
Lana says
Hello everyone
Some guys are just players.I think at this point-a guy who wants to have only sex,will not be paying too much attention to you as a person-they clearly show their interest in SEX ONLY, rest-they can care less,if no future relationship is planned,no matter how great your chemisty is,I would get away ASAP,before you got hurt,and he will replace you with someone else,after he is done with you.I found this web as pretty clear explanation:
http://thebummagnet.blogspot.com/2011/07/booty-call-to-boyfriend-5-ways-to-make.html
Take care
Shannon says
Susan, wow, you hit it on the nail.
Christina M. says
Your explanation is completely spot-on Susan! I have experienced what you have described a number of times in my dating life.
Zann says
Try as I might, I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone for a year before finding out they had a felony conviction in their past and then not at least asking “Can you give me more information about that?” That’s not prying or being disrespectful — that’s being smart.
I don’t think it really matters whether Holly’s guy is too lazy, too self-absorbed, or just too unskilled to inquire about her. What matters is it makes her unhappy. She’s already said she knows she can’t change him, and she’s smart enough to know she should not expect him to behave any differently in the future. She’s already told him she’d like it if he inquired more, and he’s chosen to keep things as they are. Why would she (or anyone) settle for that just so she can have a happy camper by her side? What about HER happiness?
Give and take is vital to a relationship, and I don’t think “nice” or “pretty” can ever make up for the kind of caring that’s shown when your partner asks about your life, your dreams, your worries, your day.
And I totally agree with Freya’s comments above (welcome Freya!). Nothing is worse than a first encounter with a guy who asks nothing about you…even after you’ve left the window of opportunity wide open for a long, uncomfortable time, and yet he still doesn’t get it that you’re waiting to be asked about. Something, anything. Who was my first grade teacher? Did I ever prefer Ken dolls to Barbies? Have I ever consulted a psychic or had a perm? Anything!
Holly, you deserve better…someone who cares enough to ask.
Clare says
Hm, this is a tough one. I’m an introvert and I keep my own counsel a lot, and I’m a very private person. I enjoy long periods of silence too, so I like being around people who are comfortable with silence. When people ask endless questions about me and why I do what I do, it can just simply feel overwhelming and a little intrusive. Whilst I have been with guys who have wanted to talk and talk and know everything, and I appreciate that it’s a sign of interest, I ultimately find myself moving away from them.
All this has meant that I have gravitated towards someone who is also a bit more silent and introverted. It’s just more comfortable.
*However* when it comes to basic information about me, I do expect him to know this. I would expect him to know basically my hopes, dreams and passions. And if there is an important event in my life, I definitely *do* expect him to take an interest and ask, I would feel very hurt if he didn’t, simply because I am so undemanding in terms of communication the rest of the time.
I also think it needs to be clarified at what stage of the relationship the not asking questions occurs. If it happens right in the beginning, the first couple of dates, there is no way I would bother with a guy like that. It’s just a turn-off.
However, if it’s a long relationship and the guy has simply dropped the ball and isn’t asking what’s going on with you, and you are feeling neglected, I would pull back and reign in the effort I was making until he asks what is wrong (which he should, if he cares). At that point I would have a talk with him using “I feel…” statements.
If it still doesn’t improve, you might find yourselves naturally drifting apart and the relationship ends on its own.
Brad says
I agree with many of you but, in the beginning my boyfriend was very open and honest, laughing and asking probing questions much like other men. All of a sudden, poof it ended. Once he planned a huge birthday weekend and told me he loved me POOF it was all over. I never heard those words again. He never calls me pet names or show affection one bit. Any time things between us get “close” he seems to run. He says nothing has changed but he cannot come up with why things went well in the beginning and not now.
Sofka says
I’d agree with Freya about the number of men out there that are like the OP’s boyfriend. I reckon that women as a whole are not all that much better though and those of us with curiosity are, frustratingly, in the minority. I met around 80 men over the course of 3 years on match, and I’d say that the majority were majorly lacking in curiosity, although to differing extents – asking no questions at all is at the extreme end of the spectrum. Maybe around 6 or 7 had the amount I felt I needed to be in a relationship with them and this was after screening of profiles and emails, looking for this trait specifically.
Strangely, I found that there were a lot of men who were quite good with questions on the 1st and 2nd dates but then stopped abruptly when they had found out “the basics” – occupation, family background, favourite holiday destinations etc. One man actually said to me on our 3rd date: “I think I know everything about you now”.
And while there were some men who didn’t talk very much themselves, even in response to questions, I’d say most were happy to talk about themselves given the chance and seemed to enjoy another person showing an interest in them. Like you Freya, I also used to drive the conversation in most cases, and the date thus felt enjoyable and relaxed to the man. It just made me feel so sad that they couldn’t see that what made them like me was what would make me like them. Almost all of these men thought our date went fantastically and were always always so surprised when I told them they weren’t right for me.
I have also had the experience of mentioning something “big” (I wasn’t a felon but it was a big piece of information about my life nonetheless) and not getting any follow up at all. I actually had to tell the guy “I want to talk about this, and it makes it easier for me if you ask about it”. He still didn’t ask, and said when I broke up with him over it that “he thought I wouldn’t want to talk about it”, even after me specifically saying that I did. He never did find out and while he was properly heartbroken by the break up, I just didn’t feel that he had truly loved me for who I really was as he didn’t ever know who I really was. This was the last time I tried to make a relationship work with someone lacking in curiosity.
And I just don’t get the people who are saying they are trying to be respectful and not pry; if the OP wasn’t open to talking about the issue, she wouldn’t have brought it up. The fact that she did suggests she was very keen to talk about it.
LucyR says
Incidently, has anyone ever succeeded in making a non-curious person more curious? I used to think that the men I dated could learn to become more curious if they realised how important it was to me, but any time I have tried to raise the subject, I tend to just get a blank or perplexed expression. I have never successfully converted a non-curious man into a man that is even capable of feigning curiosity. This is even in circumstances where the man has been crazily in love with me and is aware that the relationship may end if nothing changes. These men were otherwise intelligent, capable men who had achieved a lot in their lives. I still can’t figure out why learning to say “What do you think about that”? or even “do you agree with me?” was such a challenge. Often these guys were good listeners and would be happy to give input if I volunteered anything. They just didn’t get that it was the being asked bit that makes me feel loved.
mikki says
That would be akin to changing someone.
Jo says
No, it is akin to telling someone you care about that you don’t feel loved and asking, if they do really care, to please listen and know that this is a must have emotional need in order for the relationship to work. If the bells don’t go off in his head, and he doesn’t make an attempt, he really does not care.
If a man told his so that her lack of interest in sex made him feel unappreciated and was a need for him in the relationship, everyone would understand him and say that she needs to be more sexually available. It’s the same thing. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are needed in a successful relationship.
Elton says
Is funny to see these answers because I was reading some male treads in a forum and the most frequent complaint was about woman don’t asking questions. Anyway I am a man and I suffer a lot because I’m very curious (not only about woman but everything) but most of the time they dont show any interest in me. I think there is a overbalance in all these relationships, including mine.
Sofka says
Are you still single all these years later? I am! I ask tons!
Ellen says
Freya #18: I can’t tell you how many dates I’ve been on where the man did all, or most, of the talking. In reading this blog, however, I realized men put out their resume big-time on first dates. They are selling themselves. STILL, sensitive men WILL engage YOU in conversation. Period.
In general I find that Southern men and people in general tend to be VERY good in two-way conversations, in showing real interest in a person’s background, so it helps I live in the South (Southern hospitality and all that).
Goldie- you’re being too logical hun, imo. (Which is your strong suit, but still) Clearly this woman has asked him to ask her more about her life and he still declines. I’m with Evan on this one that he is happy with his sweet, easy gf. Happy with the way things are.
My ex of 25 years started off well I think, asked me about my day a little, other things maybe, but over time it became all about him. His career (he was self employed) in particular. He was also not super loving in an emotional, touching way (outside the bedroom). My ideas were never quite good enough, he seldom agreed with me on much of anything. THREE times I told him my needs weren’t being met, and I made a point to look very unhappy each time, that it was serious business, and each time he answered “Ellen, I’m no cheerleader”. I eventually let him go in 2008 and am divorced now. Don’t miss him a bit and wish I had done it earlier, frankly, but like a lot of women I put my children’s needs ahead of my own.
Ladies, life is too short to never be heard, never given the satisfaction that the man digs learning new things about you. My current bf is just great that way. We tend to delve much more into his interests though, so last weekend I told him it would be just great if he could find something! to like about British Premier Soccer! And maybe my metaphysical interests. I told him guys never openly seem to learn from me or women in general (they resist it, they just do folks!) and I’m quite tired of it and he could learn quite a bit if he listened, asked a lot of questions, etc. (I do have 20 years schooling and am well-travelled but I digress)….He chafed a tiny bit, but I’m pretty sure now he’ll make more of an effort. And he can best be described as a brilliant (IQ & emo intelligence), elegant country boy into NASCAR and who leans right a bit…..Hey, you don’t ask, you don’t get, right? 🙂
Ruby says
I also suspect that the felony issue would be different if the genders were reversed. A woman finding out that her boyfriend of a year was a convicted felon would be a pretty big deal, and you can bet she’d probably be upset that he’d waited so long to tell her. But because Holly’s a woman, maybe her boyfriend assumes it’s not a big deal. However, felons face barriers to finding both jobs and housing. Since felonies range from possession of drugs to murder, isn’t that something one’s partner would want to know about?
Holly says
Hi all, I’m the letter writer. Thanks so much, Evan, for printing and responding! To answer some questions and provide an update: No, it didn’t take a year for it to dawn on me that I’m a stranger to my boyfriend. That took about two weeks! It just took me a year to find the appropriate forum for voicing my concerns. Thank heavens for EMK and his avid, rabid fans!
@Alyssa #5: You make a great point–while he may not ask specific questions, what I do tell him sticks in his head like a steel trap. He’ll bring stuff up I don’t even remember telling him, so I definitely know he gives a shit. He’s clearly shown me through his actions that he cares very much for me, but there are still times when I long for deep, intimate conversation about what makes each of us tick, not just him.
@Moe #8–I think you’re spot on about him being a more of a “listener.”
@Ruby #6: As I recall, when I told him about being a felon he pretty much just nodded and kept going with whatever it was he was talking about. Quite some time later I brought it up again because I felt it was something he needed to know (whether he wanted to hear it or not). He SAYS he thought I was joking, just trying to get a rise out of him, and he wasn’t going to let me get one over on him which is why he ignored it. Could that be true? Knowing him as I do now, yeah, maybe, probably, possibly not. I’ve decided to let it go and move on. Needless to say, he now knows the whole truth and he’s still by my side, so I take that as another sign he’s a keeper!
@Helen #11: Yes, he’s a talker, but he does let me get a word in edgewise. The difference between us is that when he’s talking, I insert the occasional comment to let him know I’m listening and understanding. When I talk, all I get is silence. He’s good about making eye contact (and not engaging in other distractions), but his total lack of response is what makes me think he couldn’t care less about the topic. I believe he cares about ME, just not the subject at hand.
@Goldie #13: There’s a difference in throwing out some bait to gather information about someone’s interest level and badgering someone into a corner. I do the former, NEVER the latter. And regarding the “why don’t you ask me about things you don’t know about” piece, I’m not expecting him to be a mind reader as you suggest. There’s a BIG difference between asking someone “What’s your favorite movie?” and “Did you make a ham sandwich with cheese and pickles last night?” (I did, by the way.)
@Joe&Helen #14 & #15: Actually, I’m not a blirter. I’m pretty quiet all around which is why I tend to be okay with him yakking on and on about work, family, what car he wants to buy, etc. Perhaps, though, I’ve set him up in a comfortable pattern by NOT blabbering about myself.
@SnowdropExplodes #17: Yes! I do ask him all kinds of questions about himself, his life, his past, his hopes and dreams, to find out more about him AND in hopes that he’ll turn around and ask me the same back. Sometimes it works, usually not.
And to answer everyone’s question about the felony, that’s between him and me! (But I didn’t kill anyone and no jail time, so really, it couldn’t have been that bad, eh?)
I have mentioned my concerns to him about this in the past and lo and behold, he asked me a question about two weeks ago, all by himself! Ok, so it was about my “favorite position” (go figure–he IS a man, after all!), but at least we’re making progress, right? 😉 I still think this man is awesome in so many other ways (compared to the handful of duds I’ve dated in the past). If the relationship ultimately fails it will be primarily for other reasons that may come up in the future, but this will likely remain a secondary issue that bubbles up now and then. Hopefully we will find a solution.
Thanks everyone, especially EMK. And while I’m sure you’re sick of hearing this (or knowing you, maybe not), CONGRATULATIONS!
mikki says
I had you read right! And he came up with a great answer he thought you were joking and didn’t want to fall for it. Could be true! Either way a good answer. The fact that he actually listens is good though not responding is annoying. But he does share his life….keep working with him. Sounds like you two are working this out.
Fusee says
Evan, this was a great question to pick and as usual a spot-on advice! I’m grateful you keep managing your blog so closely despite having more fun things to do : ) I hope your little guy is growing well, and I wish you, your wife, and your older child lot of happiness together!
@Holly #28: I’m always glad when the letter writer comes back with some follow-up and more information! Thank you! It looks like you have a good relationship… You know, I think we can always find something missing. No one is perfect. With time passing it’s tempting to take what we do have for granted and regret some secondary or tertiary items that might be missing in the relationship. In your situation, there is a whole range between not being the most intense conversationalist and not giving a sh*t. Your boyfriend seems caring, but simply not the most curious in all the little details.
My boyfriend and I asked each other a lot of questions in our first few weeks of dating and then when we talked about how a marriage would look like (finances, children, career, home, etc), but now at 15 months we pretty much know everything essential and interesting there is to know. We now focus on the day-to-day happenings and the future. He could certainly ask me more questions, but since I spontaneously share/ask about what matters, he does not feel much need to do so. Now, if he stopped asking me how my day went and being able to listen to me for a little bit when I relate a couple stories, I’d be worried, but I’m not disappointed that he does not dig deep into the details of my life. That’s for my mom and the female friends!
There are a couple things that I also wish were different or better in my relationship, but then I remember all the essential qualities he already demonstrates, his commitment to our relationship, and then my own imperfections and how accepting he is of them. He definitely accepted things that not everyone would, and I love him more for that as well.
If your boyfriend is so non-judgemental that he accepts your criminal history, I would say that it’s pretty huge (not all men would accept such past), and calls for cutting a little bit of slack in other areas, as long as it’s not major of course.
Good luck in any case!
Catherine says
Has it occurred to anyone, that a lot of communication is non-verbal? Some people are very analytical and take in a lot about us, not by asking questions, but by listening and observing.
One of my friends may not ask a lot of direct questions, but he seems to watch people like a hawk and learns a lot about them by doing so. He would go with me to a social function and then comment on things my friends did, which I had missed or been oblivious to.
I agree it is enjoyable to be asked questions but I would have to confess I’m a bit self absorbed and not so good at doing it myself!
mikki says
Interesting…people who watch and don’t immediately react. But…you said he would comment on things friends did which you missed….he is communicating and initiating so that is verbal. Which is what some of us want more of.
JoeK says
Then find someone who does that, *if* it’s a top-tier value for you.
I think the problem we see with this letter is that he has “all these qualities” but he’s missing this *one*, and the OP is unsure if it’s a deal-breaker.
It’s a deal-breaker if she decides it’s a deal-breaker. Is she willing to trade away all the other values he displays for this one thing? If it’s that important, then she should move on and look for that, but understand she may not get the other things he already has (though she may, it’s just not a given).
Sherel says
90% of communication is non-verbal. Drop the 10% and be more effective.
Rampiance says
I agree with #30 and #31 about non-verbal communications, and thanks, Holly, for dropping in to fill in the gaps.
I’m a listener with a steel trap for information, like Holly’s boyfriend.
I prefer to listen to the full context, which means listening to what a person does say and what they don’t say, when and how they say it, and when and how they don’t say it. I listen for all the tones and microtones and watch for body signals that are obvious and subtle.
I have found that I get the most accurate information when I listen this way INSTEAD of firing off questions. In fact, the more precious the answer is to me, the less pressure I will apply to get the answer: I get least distortion that way because the speaker gets to frame the information exactly how they want to. Or not. If they never want to speak to me about it, then that is accurate information also. Sometimes it takes months or years to learn what I’m burning to know, but I learn exactly what I want to know in the most amazing detail.
I leave space for the other’s thoughts, and then I learn what thoughts they like to put in that space, and which ones they don’t. This information about the other’s preferences is very important to me.
Serena27 says
Holly he seems like a really great guy! I loved reading your follow-up post.
Maybe at some point you can just mention that you love the eye contact and you feel reassured that he cares about what you have to say when he brings up things you’ve said in the past. You really feel like he was listening. You’d just like a little bit of feedback while you are telling a story so you know he’s interested. When he doesn’t nod or ask follow-up questions (or even the ah, uh huh, hmm noises) you worry you are boring him and stop talking.
Also, ask him if he stays very silent on purpose so he can concentrate on listening. Maybe he’s simply super-focused on what you are saying.
Finally, try playing question games with him. There are probably lots online that you could find where each couple asks questions. Sometimes you tally the scores at the end, and sometimes it’s just used as a fun way to get through a road trip. Since he has the questions in front of him and it’s more formal, he doesn’t have to try to come up with questions. And since it’s a game there is less pressure (you might want to start with fun questions). Hopefully he will learn more about you, and maybe he will start to develop the habit of asking you questions. And even if he doesn’t, the question games might make you feel like your needs are being met in that area and you can get back to enjoying all the other great things about him!
Gina says
Holly,
The bottom line is can you live with the boyf not asking you questions that show he has a vested interest in getting to know you on a deeper level? If you let him know that it would mean so much to you if he would take the iniative and ask you questions about yourself rather than rely on you to initiate and he makes and effort to do better, then you may decide that you have a keeper. However, if he refuses and you always have to be the one to volunteer information, you may decide that this is a deal breaker and move on. A person can tons of wonderful qualities, but that means nothing in the whole scheme of things if they have ONE particular quality that is a dealbreaker. Only you can decide what that would be.
Best of luck!
starthrower says
I broke up with a guy who agreed with me that communication was important but then wouldn’t communicate. Of course I knew I had been phased out and kicked to the curb, but in my own experience, I think the end of the relationship was his true character, not the beginning. He didn’t want me, he just wanted someone, and when the novelty wore off, that was it for me.
Rochelle says
I think I have been somewhat guilty of not showing enough interest by asking questions on some dates. And when I saw the same being done to me often enough, I started to become more aware of it on my end and how it may come off to people. Agree with EMK “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a great read, and would definitely help anyone who tends to do that. Anyway Holly, he sounds like a good guy, he might just be a bit introverted. I think we tend to be less inquisitive. Good luck.
sarah P says
Lucy R Post no 27.
Hi this is my first post. Lucy R confirms my own fears. You cant make a person more curious! I too am about to enter a relationship with a guy I have become friends with over 6 months. Having been so fixed upon getting to this point, now that we have I have let myself ‘check-in’ with the reality of what is.
He is affectionate, sensitive, caring (I got to know him when he lent me his coat for the weekend on a biking weekend) clever, witty and we have that uncanny sameness going on with our values and beliefs. When I have asked for ‘advice’ he has listened and emailed ideas etc. He listens (and remembers)but rarely asks beyond what I say unless it’s truely bewildering news (quite rankly most of my day to day stuff isnt!). Our pattern of daily emails, texts etc news. He remembers what I tell him. When I initiate we have in-depth emotional conversations wit my leading the way.
HE NEVER ASKS ME HOW I AM unless significant (a 150 km bike ride, a minor accident, a major work review did the trick) or checks in in about the daily goings on in my life. I mentioned once that How are you?? makes me feel interesting and needed. He did it for about a week and then …….forgot?!
Observing him with others, he doesn’t either. I am the opposite. I have a belief that asking others questions and being interested is the glue in any significant relationship.
Being an Occupational Therapist where change is everything (and early forties wanting to settle down not settle) I’m not sure my idealistic belief can get him to see why it’s so important and make those changes for me.
marymary says
Sarah P
I don’t think he can make this change. It’s not like leaving the cap off the toothpaste (and MOST people can’t even change that habit!)
You say he’s sensitive, caring, you talk about emotional things, he listens and advises you but you need him to say “How are you?” Those words don’t mean anything to me. To me, they are just filler words to be polite . I’m british and we are surprised when someone responds with anything other than “I’m fine/well/not too bad”!.
This may just be cultural or the way he was brought up. I don’t believe, based on what you said about him “in the round”, that it’s worth worrying about. If you threw this guy over for someone more curious (and curious doesn’t necessarily mean he cares about you) , you will likely find the new guy comes with something else that you’d like him to change.
Karl R says
sarah P said: (#37)
“I mentioned once that How are you?? makes me feel interesting and needed.”
If you ask me “How are you?” it makes me feel like you’re just engaging in a customary formality. I strongly suspect that your boyfriend feels the same way.
If you stopped asking your boyfriend how he was for the next week, he probably wouldn’t notice.
sarah P said: (#37)
“I have a belief that asking others questions and being interested is the glue in any significant relationship.”
Your boyfriend doesn’t ask others many questions. I can guarantee that he has friends (and probably family) who are the exact same way. He has relationships that have lasted for years (or decades) without this “glue”.
If it actually is the glue that holds relationships together, how do those relationships of his last?
sarah P said: (#37)
“I’m not sure my idealistic belief can get him to see why it’s so important and make those changes for me.”
What are the chances that I (or your boyfriend) will convince you that your belief is incorrect? What are the chances that you’d make those changes even if we convinced you?
Seriously. What are the chances you’d change to seeing things our way (and behaving accordingly)?
That’s exactly the same chance you have of convincing him to change.
You can’t change him. You might be able to change your expectations.
judy says
Hi Evan, before I forget, congratulations on your new baby. Great stuff. Enjoy – all future four of you.
On the subject in question, maybe the guy is being discreet? Maybe he doesn’t want to know about his girlfriend’s/fiancé’s past because he trusts her?
There’s a line to be drawn somewhere between discretion/being nosy and trust.
Hm, now I’ve gone off on a tangent but I’m sure there must be some truth there.
sarah P says
Thankyou for your comments. I have to say that the comment on being able to change my own expectations and the comparison to replacing the top on the toothpaste being challenging enough to change resonated….alot!!
I don’t know how I will get on with being with a lovely man who simply doesn’t see the need to ask me how my night was, or my meeting at work, or my friend’s birthday do, o exchange in further questions when I volunteer information. I can but see what I can do with my own expectations. I have however said I like it a lot on the few times he has asked. So I guess we’ll see how this goes. And If I feel like I need more two way exchange in the same way I exchange with others; time to stop the relationship rather than try and drag it towards something I want and need but he may not.
JoeK says
“Maybe I’m a little egocentric, but that shit wouldn’t fly with me”
hahahahahahahaha…just too funny, Evan!
That said, I *do* find this perspective to be incredibly egocentric, bordering on a character flaw. It’s definitely a turn off to me. What you describe as someone expressing curiosity comes across to me as grilling – something that I’ve never felt a need to do. Perhaps this is an Introvert’s perspective…I’m not really sure. But a few of my friends (though not many) share this perspective.
Very interesting how differently we view this.
Sofka says
I know this conversation is from about 8 years ago but I don’t think I ever managed to read it all at the time, which is insane given this is my obsession – I think I must have been stupidly busy with work.
I’m curious to know though why you think asking a lot is ego-centric? Surely showing a sustained interest in someone else is the opposite of that? And without questions, how can 2 people keep a conversation going other than through the hell of consecutive monologuing?
I’m also wondering if you don’t notice that others are asking you things? I ask a lot and it’s never been perceived as a grilling to my knowledge. I’ve been told by many that I’m very easy to talk to because of it. I do volunteer stuff about myself though if I’m not asked. I don’t enjoy doing that though as for me there’s no joy in sharing information that someone hasn’t expressed an interest in hearing. I’ve also spent a lot of time observing others who ask a lot and in my experience they’re almost always perceived positively – I’ve never seen anyone behave as if they thought they were being grilled.
Ally says
I actually just broke off a 4 month relationship due to this reason. More-so it was the lack of meaningful anything.. I asked him questions about his life and maybe 99% of the time, no question was ever asked back. This soon began to bottle up and bother me.
I also volunteered information about me and would try to engage in deep, stimulating conversations and would be left empty handed. He had an issue talking about his past and problems, and felt they should not be discussed or dealt with. I understood his way of communicating (or lack-of).
I soon realized that there was nothing wrong with his or my “relationship style” but that I had to face the music and come clean that I didn’t feel I could settle for a lack of compatible traits, especially after voicing my concerns.
Anyway, Holly I wish you luck in your relationship. Hopefully he will be able to see the importance of curiosity and understanding each other and how it can be satisfying to both of you.
Evan, i’m with you 100%. I really liked this post as I felt I was going through the same thing. Thanks for the commentary.
michelle says
Oh my goodness! Holly, your boyfriend sounds identical to mine in every way, even down to recently asking me what position I’d prefer.
I have been wondering myself whether or not his lack of curiosity into my life should be a deal breaker and so glad I stumbled on your post. He is sooo kind, caring and loving in every way and his actions tells me he loves me, even if his words don’t. I’m not going to ditch him because of this one flaw. I’m in the caring profession which means delving into people’s emotional worlds in depth and I also have girl friends to talk to when I want to communicate a bit of emotional depth myself. I doubt I’d found another sweetie like him who instantly cleans my muddy boots as a surprise or the windscreen of my car, brings me breakfast in bed, puts candles by the bath and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
lms says
I have a similar fiance. He goes one better and doesn’t remember half of what I tell him.
Even the MOST important and pressing issues…if he doesn’t want to talk about it he just won’t!
FYI I am NOT the chatty type. I would like however to have a deeper conversation than, what we did at the gym today. Frustrated!!
Renee says
Holly, have you tried not talking and volunteering info? I ask this because I had the EXACT same boyfriend issue- my guy was sweet, respectful, and we could talk for hours about mutual interests, or for hours about him. But he almost never ever asked me about my life either before we met, during our time dating or about what I wanted for my future. I loved digging deeper into his stories to find out what came before that, and what came before that, etc. I wanted to know about all his experiences because it helped me understand his motives, fears, likes, interests, quirks, habits, etc. Knowing about your partner and all their funny, happy, sad, wacky, crazy, and sometimes traumatic history gives you insight into their character, and helped me understand who he was, which was important to me. He enjoyed being asked so many questions, he liked knowing I was interested in him. But he didn’t make the connection that it should be reciprocated. I brought it up a couple times but didn’t make much of a thing about it, until almost a year had passed and I had finally reached my limit. I stopped talking. I stopped asking questions. I refused to show interest. It wasn’t a game, it was me trying to step back and really access his level of interest in me. I considered that maybe I was spending so much time asking him questions, that he was in turn spending so much time answering, that it left very little time to switch the focus to me. So I stopped. I decided I’d let him come to me and ask what he wanted. I stopped volunteering info. I didn’t follow up on anything he said. And it took exactly one evening of not asking him questions or following up on his story about his day for him to finally confront me about being so quiet. I told him the truth about what I was doing- I was giving him space to show interest. After that he confessed he would always get the vibe that I didn’t want to talk about certain things, that he felt like I would dodge questions, so he didn’t feel comfortable asking. Like you, I would cut answers short because I would sense a lack of interest- but maybe that was just me projecting or assuming a lack of interest. I started to see I was contributing some to the problem. I worked on fixing my part of the problem right away. But you can’t change someone else or force them to do something they don’t want. He asked me if there was anything I wanted to share with him, but that just pissed me off. I wanted it to come from him, but he put the burden back on me to volunteer info, rather than showing interest in me and asking what he really wanted to know.
So I would offer that as advice to begin with, just to give your boyfriend a chance to realize he might have questions about you, and let him take the step to ask them before you volunteer it.
For me, I realized my boyfriend’s anxiety issues really make it challenging for him to pursue questions about me, and that in the end was a deal breaker. He wasn’t selfish in the way I usually think about people being selfish, but he didn’t take care of me unless I asked directly for help, like when I was sick or if I needed to unload the car. He didn’t ask about my life or my hopes or dreams. He seemed to be very focused on his own inner dialogue and his own inner world than anything else. We had really amazing conversations that could last for hours, that I deeply enjoyed, but when it came to the personal relationship stuff, he just wasn’t bringing enough effort to the table. I would listen to him talk for e-v-e-r about his own problems and issues. Never happened the other way, though. He’d listen to me for a few minutes and move the conversation back to him. I understood his issues, that he wanted to be better at that stuff, and I loved him, very much and we connected so well in many other areas. But with little effort to make this better, and effort that wasn’t consistent, I knew I would really have a problem with these issues over the long term, and I needed to end it.
Just because a guy is nice, or kind, or treats us well doesn’t mean he’s a good match. As a confident outgoing person who is highly curious and a ‘doer’, I’m probably not ever going to find lasting happiness with anyone who is happy with the status quo.
You deserve to have your boyfriend show enthusiastic interest in your life. Don’t settle for less.
Bonnie says
I found this blog because I just had yet another frustrating incident with my husband. I have lived with this situation for 12 years 7 of these years we have been married. Yes my husband is a good person but he has always been very self involved. We have gone around and around so many times about his self interest and lack of interest in my life. Bottom line is this is a miserable way to live. I picked up on his self involved tendency in the beginning but I made allowances for him thinking he would grow in the relationship over time. Big mistake on my part. I spend so much time feeling frustrated angry and lonely. My advice have a serious conversation with the guy then set a time limit for real change. If you are still unhappy end the relationship. I wish I had shown my husband the door a long time ago.
Melissa says
I think this topic goes deeper than whether it is a personality defect. My understanding of the situation is that people are unable to even think these days as we are too busy trying to make sure our lives are reflecting the script our culture and society laid out for us even before we were born. I googled this topic because I don’t think my husband and I are on the same page. I’ve tried to point out the “lack” of communication, which often he makes some excuse about. I do not need someone to be curious about me per se, rather I prefer responsiveness, an awareness of what’s going on in our relationship and what’s behind the silence. I need to be able to talk about these things with my husband, not you all, though I’m sure you’re wonderful people, but if talking is all we can do, with no understanding of the other person, then loneliness enters. I do think “curiosity” can be faked but not an understanding. To the person who created this post, I think it is not the lack of curiosity that bothers you, but the feeling that your husband does not understand you that creates a sense of tension. The problem is, if you try to “solve” this problem by asking the other person to change, the the change isn’t coming from the person, their understanding of you, or a natural curiosity, but rather from their relationship with the idea that you are unhappy and want them to change. So they try to change, yet there’s still no understanding. And really, I do not think people will really change, for what’s stopping them from changing right now? Why do they need more time?
TheIntrovert says
Nailed it. Understanding is the driver in my case and I think a lot of others’ here. It’s one thing to be able to listen to someone and regurgitate information given. But to really assess an action or piece of info and be motivated to start a two way convo about it….that’s an entirely different ball game I think.
My bf being able to listen and recall info has thrown me off, because I also have used lack of communication and gotten nowhere because “communication” is too broad and I couldn’t find a way to articulate the heart of the problem.
Tara says
If I may give my two cents, some people are plain introverted and they feel differently about communication. For instance, if someone that i know were to tell me something like this, i’d be definitely curious as hell and willing to know more, but i wouldn’t know what to ask for fear of sounding intrusive and judgmental. I would give the other person the chance to talk on their own rather than forcing them to answer questions that might otherwise be awkward for them. I’d just listen and try to be as nonjudgmental as possible. I believe that when people want to talk about something near and dear to them, it should be up to them to decide how much they want to share not up to the listener.
Ana says
Holly, i’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, and i can tell you that all my past relationship were the same. There are different guys, the curious ones, the ones live the moment and not the past, the serious ones, and the serious ones don’t ask questions, because they have all the time in the world to know you, they see a future with you and dont want to find out about you in one day, but in a life time. If your bf asks you all about you, what else will be there for him to discover? Is like being at school, if you knew it all about the school projects in the 1st month, you would be so boring, because they were nothing else to discover or to learn. My boyfriend doesn’t ask me questions about me, and yet he knows everything. Because is is an observer. He went on holiday to India, and brought me a red scarf made by hand all painted between many other presents. I loved the scarf so much, i’ve asked him. Why in Red, because is your favourite colour, and me: how do you know, if i have never told you: he replied: because you wear Red a lot and the cover of your IPAD is Red… Guys love to be challenged. Let him learn about you, rather then you want him to know everything about you….and concentrate on the important things…
Pam says
I feel some men don’t ask questions because : –
– they are insecure and worry about you recollecting a story that involves an ex, or something/someone they feel they cant measure up to in the present
– they don’t ask about your work incase they don’t understand something and look stupid
– they are immature on some level and self-centered at the same time
– they process everything through their own selfish filter.
I could be wrong, but it’s a feeling.
Trey says
Well I found this obviously while searching for answers, guidance, input. I also found myself saying out loud while reading this particular blog, “Oh Great! That’s just lovely! Yep & Yep!” Now I am on the verge of tears. I have been dating what I consider a lovely wonderful man who is thoughtful, kind, patient, laid back gentlemen, as well as, ambitious. However, the underlying theme, which is a theme I have struggled with in most of my relationships, is “He’s just not that into you.” This man is very adept at communicating, as he is successful and quite articulate about many topics including his work, sports, politics, family, etc. However, our conversations usually consist of him doing all the talking, perhaps because I am more of a listener and not the most forthcoming communicator unless asked for my input or opinion. Or perhaps because this is most men? At least most that I have encountered. I am a very independent person, sometimes to the point of being stubborn, however, I do feel this incredible sense of inferiority or indifference, when it comes to our relationship. Here is the kicker though…when this feeling of “him not being into me” rears its ugly head, I will throw out little lines to test his memory or to see if he actually is or was even listening on during the occasions I have contributed or volunteered information to our conversations. Guess what? He passes with flying colors!!! He has a ridiculously detailed memory and seems to remember everything I say in detail, yet our daily conversations are pretty much a monolog of all the activities going on in his life. I will admit that I don’t have near as much going on as he does however, I guess I feel that on occasion, he should at least dive a little deeper or make more of an effort to prevent the one-sidedness or its appearance. We have been dating for two years, my first relationship since my divorce almost 4 years ago. I have no idea what I am doing. LOL
melissa says
i wanna know about her felonies! HELLO….. back to subject – I too, have a man who is totally disinterested in knowing who I am and my past. Where he could probably name my children on the spot, being since they live with us; I’m sure he couldn’t name any of my other family members, of whom I talk about frequently (albeit to a brick wall). Mostly, as I notice his disinterest (he has a various assortment of signs) I quietly fade away….. he’s never the wiser. This hurts, as I know soooo many stories he has told over and over again about his life and, I never tire of them. I am suggesting to dump him, just as I must do to my guy. But only because we have soooo many other issues plaguing our relationship as well.
Helen says
Four months ago I picked out an envelope which looked like personal mail from a whole stack of mail which had accumulated during my absence (and which my husband of 16 years said he would check for me).
I opened the letter; it was an invitation to a funeral. “Somebody died”, I said. My husband ´s reaction: nothing. niente. nada.
A few hours later I told him how disappointed I was that he didn ´t ask. So he dutifully asked. I said I would like him to ask me later, without me prompting him. I ´m still waiting.
I ´m just back from an overseas trip where lots happened, including more people close to me dying (it ´s an age thing …).
It hurts so much not being able to share these things with the person you live with, and after many years of being the “radio” I just can ´t blurb on any longer.
None of this is anything new, it just gets more extreme.
Yes, and all is peaceful between us as long as I am “nice” …
Tracy says
I know this is an older post, but I found it while searching for an answer to similar concerns. I just learned that my bf of one year doesn’t even remember my birthday, favorite color, movie, or band. He can’t even tell me my middle name. These are all things I’ve volunteered, but he doesn’t remember. I’m embarrassed to say that I thought we were headed toward marriage. Now I have a hard time believing that he values me at all. This isn’t the only indicator that our relationship is lopsided, but I see it as a big one. I can understand poor memory (not typical of him) or missing details, but my middle name? Really? I find it humiliating. Thank you to Evan and all who weighed in. Helpful points to consider.
SLM says
I too am interested in someone like this. I lay it all out there and it’s like pulling teeth to get a simple text or call. He’s really into himself and sports and even blames past relationships failures on himself. We are really attracted to each other and he communicates in ways to say that he cares, but he never asks about my kids, grandkids, past or family life….we went on a few dates and he moved away, but we’ve been talking for over 3 years, and are finally meeting again soon. I guess my gut will tell me if this is going to be the right thing. I just think he’s really hard on himself and pulls away… but at the same time I feel like he won’t get my emotional needs when it comes to this.
Karmic Equation says
When you say “We are really attracted to each other…” does that mean you were lovers or did you just make out?
I’m asking this because it sounds to me as if you’re holding a torch for him and he may just be interested in more NSA sex with you (assuming that’s where it went before he left).
You’re already making excuses for him, “He’s really into himself and sports and even blames past relationships failures on himself.”; “I just think he’s really hard on himself and pulls away” — and he’s not your bf.
My suggestion is that if you’re interested in a relationship with him, don’t have sex with him again (again, assumption, sorry if I’m wrong) until he’s your boyfriend.
That is going to be the only way you’ll know if he’s really interested in you or just interested in sex with you.
Your attraction is already clouding your judgment, you’ll have even less control over your judgment if you have sex with him (again) before he’s your bf. Don’t do that to yourself.
Christina M. says
“…and even blames past relationship failures on himself.”
If people are telling you who they are, you should listen.
Marie says
I find that guys feel they know a woman based on sterotypes, and therefore don’t feel the need to dig any deeper..I feel to some men, we are more of a species, rather than an individual person..that won’t change!
Joey says
“he’s probably gonna be a happy camper.” Exactly. But will you?
Michael says
I’ve gotta weigh in on this because I’ve found myself just accused of being this way by my SO. The funny thing is, I would’ve never identified with being this way beforehand. I consider myself an extremely curious person, especially about other peoples’ points-of-view and opinions on philosophy, politics, etc.
She and I talk a lot about all kinds of stuff, and because of this it never occurs to me to ask her questions about her life. I usually figure said things will come up in the conversations we have, and she’ll offer her point-of-view freely. I’m also quite private myself about things I don’t actively bring up, and I tend to view intimate questions about my past as prying.
Anyway, I felt hit out of left-field when my SO got really (really) mad at me over this because I didn’t want to watch a particular show with her. I felt surprised that she didn’t seem to remember the times we’d talk about, for example, the writings of Ernest Hemingway and the spirituality of Alan Watts (the latter being a favourite of hers). Trying to remind her of those times got her angrier, which should have been predictable in hindsight.
Linds says
Oh gosh. I was in the exact same boat 4 years ago before marrying him and having children. Now we are going to therapy as he is extremely passive aggressive it turns out.
The biggest red flag for me was ‘ i like you because you are easy going.’ What happens whrn ur not? When you really need something? Or feel strongly about something. Or you’re a raging hormonal mess through pregnancy and brestfeeding? Make sure by eay going, he doesnt mean : lets me get my own way.
And the question thing is gross. Conversation is 2 way and it does require q and a on both peoples parts. Ive been holding up the conversation for 4 years now. While also being aware that in our first few months he was quite the conversationist. Its a power thing. He also earns less than me which isnt an issue for me but deep down was for him.
Good luck!
Zoe says
I was in a year relationship with a man that i realized adter we broke up, but remained friends, that he never ask me any questions about myself. He loved me as long as i went along with the flow and family dysfunction but my needs always came last. After months of coming behind his adult kids, teenager, a horse for the entitled teen, ex wife n her drama, i realized i came last, with our dogs. When i brought up money and child visitation agreement he said he wasn t going to change anything in his life and forget about compromises! We were engaged and i ran. No matter what age u r a relationship will never work without communication, work and compromises.
Pookie says
Ok I’m 12 and i have a guy just like that, he never starts the conversation, I always have to.
I know this is about her but I want to know if I should leave him. We both see a future….i think…..
😦
I dunno I guess I just need a few opinions
Our conversations go like this
Me “hi sugar how was you day”
Him “good”
Me ” what ya doing”
Him” not much
And that’s were it ends
Yep…
Dre says
Sure, he may be a happy camper, but you may not be. It’s important to have your own interests, hobbies, goals, and endeavors. Maybe you’re “pretty, nice, and accept him…”, but you may also find yourself bored because you didn’t seek your own passions, since according to the author: degrees, personal travel, etc. isn’t as important as being pretty and nice to these non-anomaly guys. (And your looks will change…then what? I guess you’ll still be nice and accepting. Does 2 out of 3 count?) Apparently it’s more important (more important to whom? You? This guy who may or may not work out?) to fawn over his travels, old screenplays, what-have-you, than to be an interesting and nuanced person yourself. I can’t begin to imagine a man being told it’s more important to be “handsome, nice and accepting of you” than it is for them to travel or have passions. Just be nice & perhaps mildly interesting & make nabbing a partner whose happy with pretty, accepting, and boring you your goal. Rubbish. There won’t be many interesting stories to share if you are both nice and attractive, but are lacking in self discovery. And who wants to sit around and stroke someone else’s ego all day only to have them not take an active interest in you.
Go find a guy who is an anomaly and who finds you fascinating like you find him to be. It may take time, but in the meantime, you can continue your journey of self-discovery, rather than settling down with a guy who simplifies who you are and your complexities, and who also doesn’t understand you or your needs, but thinks he does. Or don’t. It’s your life.
Christina M. says
This is some solid advice right here.
Tiff says
I wonder if part of it is the fact that Holly is more financially successful than him, and he, consciously or otherwise, feels threatened by her success and fears that any details of her life, her day at work etc. would remind him of that and make him feel even more inadequate.
Amy says
I have dated a couple men like this and, thankfully, have realized it fairly early on and not continued to date them. What I’m wondering is if you think most women need this deep level of communication/connection with their partner? I think most women do, but I don’t really know. I often wonder how these men, who lack this trait, will ever find a woman who is fine with it and/or who might be the same way.
kat says
Wow this is kinda comforting and sad! Very grateful for this discussion. The only topic my guy is interested in knowing is about my sexual history. I once asked him if it was a pattern of his to not inquire about his partners and he said he knows he did it to one lover on purpose so he wouldn’t get too immersed emotionally. Maybe that’s his tendency. He is extremely generous, tries to be interested for a day and so loyal. But it is borderline deal breaker for sure when I am pre-menstrual is when I am tempted to call it off. Ayyyeee how can he not be curious about a woman?? This woman!
Sharon says
Not sure why you’d label him as a keeper when you stated that “that shit wouldn’t fly” with you? Seems contradictory and the overall theme seems to suggest that women should expect less from men than men would accept.
TheIntrovert says
Found this post looking for answers because I’m in the same boat. Been with my bf six years.
its both depressing and relieving to hear this is a common problem among men and that it’s generally not something that can be changed. I’ve had a few convos with my bf about this, but only once framed this as a social skill problem. By the time I said something about it, I’d taken the habit very personally and assumed he was doing this on purpose with malicious intent, though he’s shown himself to be attentive and considerate in other ways. I’ve struggled often with deciding whether to stay.
I used to be more of a listener than a talker, but my bf also has ADHD so he willl often talk over me or cut me off on the few occasions I do talk at length. Because I’ve been pleading and fighting to be hear/acknowledged for so long I often feel like I monopolize conversations now when I’m with other people, to compensate for not being heard at home.
I believe my bf loves me, and I’ve come to him in tears, in anger, and in resignation over this issue. It gets better for a little while sometimes, but most of the time he just finds other/new people to talk to instead of trying to ask me about myself.
Other people don’t mind hearing him go on about himself because it’s that early phase of getting to know a person you just met, or they’re friends so they’re not necessarily looking for reciprocal interest as much as someone to hang out with. This is kind of why I’ve hung on for so long, because if you ask any of our friends, none of them ever complain or comment about this dynamic. I seem to be the only one who has a problem with this or gets bothered by it, and that led me to believe for a long time I was just being overly sensitive and craving an unhealthy amount of his attention as my bf for some reason I wasn’t aware of yet.
So I’m partly posting to emphasize for any other partners in my situation…that you can’t rely on the quality of non romantic relationships to measure your expectations here I think. Because this lack of a social skill doesn’t show itself to be harmful or a dealbreaker unless you’re trying to establish intimacy, and really the only type of relationship that has to have intimacy universally to be considered successful and fulfilling is a romantic relationship. That’s why the context of this post was so important, for me at least, because it brought out other folks seeing this problem specifically in the context of a romantic relationship and sharing feedback.
I’m really glad I found this thread and echo other users who have decided to leave after addressing the problem and seeing no change. I’m now preparing to leave because I’ve finally accepted that this isn’t something I can live with for the rest of my life. Like some other posters have said the problem extends beyond chats about your day or interests. I’ve had very difficult emotional issues with family or work that I’ve navigated completely alone because talking to my bf did not do anything to help me feel supported. He can’t step outside of himself or his experiences to adequately offer encouragement or sympathy, and instead would try to fix the issue with limited information from me about the problem, which I just found condescending and terribly arrogant. After years of this dynamic leaving me feeling unwanted, I’d prefer being alone than trying constantly to give myself to someone that can’t engage with me and make me feel like they are interested in me as an individual.
Thanks for sharing this letter and response Evan, and congrats on your growing family.
Jkchen says
I know this article is quite dated, but I looked it up in your article database because it’s very relevant to me now. I’ve been dating a guy for almost two years and he is rarely interested in hearing about my feelings or my day. When I start talking about my day and including commentary about how it went, he starts to get annoyed and classifies it as “complaining.” He thinks all I do is complain. I’m not sure if he’s right, but I do need someone I can vent to freely. I’ve gone through quite a few traumatic experiences in the past three years and he has zero empathy for me, mostly bc he’s had an easy life due to his own failure to challenge himself. He’s not a curious person and he isn’t very deep. He’s a simpleton, and he’s called himself that as well. It’s a very frustrating and lonely relationship with me bc I, too, would prefer to know and share every little thing about our lives with my partner.
Frankly, I’m shocked to read how many women have experienced this same problem with the men they’ve dated. And yet, many of these men end up married! What kind of woman marries these emotionally empty and unavailable men?! How can they stand it?! Anyways, thank you so much, Evan, for your sound advice once again. I appreciate it more than you know and I’ve been reading and following your work for years now.
Persephoney says
I stayed with him a month before I realized everyday when he got off work he talked solely about his greatness, talked negatively about everyone else, and when it became my turn to talk he didn’t even acknowledge id just spoken. So while he was at work I packed my bag and left. He called me over to have drinks when he got off work and I thought would be explaining why I left. He didn’t even ask. But when I interjected a comment on a long drawn out story he was depicting of him being a hero to all of ” those loosers”, he had and full on tantrum and yelled “let me speak!!!”. I started to get mad for the diarespect when i realized he wasn’t working with a full deck of cards. He was acting like a three year old in a grown man’s body. A full on Narcissist. I explained that I was a guest and apparently we aren’t enjoying one another’s company so I’ll leave now.
Cupcake says
Wow, this is a long interesting blog. I’m wondering if my boyfriend of 1yr & 1/2 has asperger’s syndrome or man idk. He never responds to me with a “full” response with pretty much anything i ask him about. I only get responses from him that are simple, agreeing with me, and or neutral, and so many times he says nothing at all! Im like um okay. Well theres my answer😑 um. I always feel like i have to drive ALL conversations we have…and I’ve had to pry him open to get him to talk at all about anything about him, his past experiences or even his back child support balance, etc. I dont get it. But its about to drive me bat crazy. Siggghhh…..please Talk! Communicate. Communication is the number one key for a healthy relationship. And as the world turns😑
Cupcake says
Oh and some things about him seem to be so “scripted.” It’s strange.
Liiss says
Men who have aspergers (a majority of them) a common problem is that they don’t talk much. They usually do talk when it’s about something they are passionate about like a hobby or special interest topic. But my fiance who has aspergers has never asked anything about me in 7 years. When I first met him it drove me crazy , I thought he was selfish in a way, but when we or I realized he has aspergers(by investigating it ) I just accepted it because their mind doesn’t work in the way a normal mind works (NT). Social communication lacks in them. Basically the one reason they don’t ask is because they assume if we have anything to let them know we will or should. But don’t expect feedback from them if you do tell them something your proud of or find important . But it doesn’t mean they’re not listening. My fiance is a master at getting me great gifts because he will listen to me when i say I like something and a year later I find it in my Christmas gift or birthday.I recommend googling Maxine Aston and Tony Attwood. Read a bit on what they wrote about Aspergers. If you find a lot of commonality , most likely theres Aspergers in the mix in your relationship. Its actually pretty common.
I have to be very observant in my relationship bc that’s the way I receive info, by watching small hints that I sense is a reaction to me that tells me a lot. But if couples educate themselves on aspergers when it’s a possibility (many don’t get diagnosed professionally and if they do it usually happens in their 40s or later, many of them may hear it from a loved one and / or research psychological issues that ends up in the aspergers area on Google just by inputting symptoms )
I highly suggest finding out for yourself if he has it by reading on it, and if you feel it in your gut that he may have it, take a good look at your needs that you Need in life because there’s a lot of sacrifices that go in hand with staying with an aspie guy. Don’t get stuck in an abusisive relationship. Bc they can be abusive at times during meltdowns. Emotionally. You deserve to have a partner who is willing to work on becoming a better supportive lover. Who openly wants to be a more emotionally available partner to the best of their ability.
Lastly if he doesn’t know he has aspergers and actually does he has a lot of stress within himself bc they have an idea they are different but don’t have answers even for themselves .
Vani says
Holly, I am in a very similar position and I have found something that works – at least it lets my boyfriend find out more about me without him having to explicitly ask me questions and helps reduce the disconnect that I feel.
Basically, it’s a game you play whereby you each have to tell each other three stories (2 true ones and 1 false) about yourself and then figure out which one of the other’s stories is false. So you can pick the nature of the stories like it could be something that happened to you in the past, with friends, things that happened during the day, things you wish to do in the future, or even talk about three passions you hold out of which two are true and one is false.
I’ve tried telling my boyfriend I feel disconnected from him because i feel he doesn’t show interest when he doesn’t ask questions, which only pushed him away further cos he didn’t know how to change but when we play this game he comes alive and listens to everything I’m saying and even asks clarifying questions. He does like using his imagination to come up with the fake stories for himself so that helps. Good luck.
James Bowen says
Honestly, as someone who is a bit on the other side of this…
I am curious, but I don’t want to pry too much. I volunteer information. I expect you to do the same.
Are you sure you aren’t doing anything to put him off from asking you questions? I had an ex who would get upset if I asked about something she thought I should already know. Or if I asked her about something that made her feel bad. Or a bunch of other random triggers.
I just learned not to ask, and then she got upset with me for not asking. I’m not saying this is your situation, but I guarantee you she wouldn’t acknowledge this was her situation, either. You might consider if you can do anything to make it easier for him to inquire.
Liisa says
I may have a pretty good idea in what may be going on with your partner . I’m suggesting this as a experienced unbiased stranger and educated
Every description you mentioned about him have classical Aspergers syndrome written all over it.
I highly suggest for you to go on the net and look into Aspergers Syndrome.
You may feel some heavy weight lift off your shoulders.
Aspergers is manifested by quirky antics , he shows only silenceness when you literally expect the total opposite. Do you constantly have feelings of confusion and expectations that should be met, Not met because the things he does or Doesn’t do or doesnt say .
Is he kinda nerdy? Or was he a nerd as a young kid?
Is he quiet? But have horrible outbursts? Almost like a tantrum ? Say really cruel and heartless things that aren’t his personality ?
Does he have a fixation on a specific hobby that he’s really knowledgeable about?
Does he like to be out and socialize ? Or rather he stay far away from large crowds?
Does he get irritated by odd things like you touching him on a specific part of his body? Maybe he pulls away and says don’t do that. Does he not like strong scents or kissing you with lipstick because he can’t stand the taste of it , the feeling or smell ? Are there certain things he won’t eat? Does he have a simple wardrobe in your opinion? Maybe he doesn’t like tight fitting clothes or just even the tabs touching him?
Does he repeatedly rock his foot or flap his hand ? Or just move repetitively?
Was he bullied?
Is he really smart or keep lists? Maybe he writes down a lot of things . Does he make a grocery list? Does he have a collection of something or hoard a particular thing?
Do you think sometimes he’s a narcissist? Selfish ? Uncaring? Do you feel you walk on egg sshells? Is he happy one minute and then comes back from doing something and he acts like he’s mad or upset?
Lastly, does he routinely do things that make you seriously question what the hell is going on?
If you related to a lot of my questions or suggestions please go look up Aspergers and I suggest you Google Neurotypical (NT) . This term You may relate to .
Good luck
Liolia says
Hi Evan,
Thanks for this piece, I’m new to your page.
I have a somewhat similar situation, where the guy I’ve been dating for a few months says he expresses his affection through acts, not words. I will take a person who speaks through actions over a person who is all talk, but couldn’t there be a middle ground?
I will say, he gives his time and attention, as much as a girl could ask for. He’s a good listener, he’s patient, and very physically affectionate. He (insists on paying for and) pays for everything when we go out (he earns twice the money that I do). I get the impression that, because I’m normally a talkative person and volunteer information about myself, perhaps he thinks he doesn’t need to ask. But it’s true, it feels like I’m an afterthought, and I’m one to always inquire, so it can be hurtful at times.
However, in looking around, I notice that most men, not all but most, struggle with communication and the general expression of emotion. Society has not helped that at all, with toxic masculinity and so many cultures teaching men that they should only express anger if emotion must come out, or remain stoic in the face of any hardships (like this fellow I’m seeing.)
I’ve talked to him about my need for him to express how he feels, he said he would try his best but he “couldn’t promise anything.” He’s better at doing so via text than through spoken words. I don’t count text as the same thing as speech, so while I’m trying to be flexible, I wonder if the sweetness will only ever be expressed via text or cuddling and kisses.
But the subject of him asking how I feel, or asking about my past, is closely related to this. Since he does not express how he feels, and sees no need to do so (he seems confused when I ask how he is), he seems not to feel the need to ask me how I’m feeling. Even if he knows I’m not feeling well at times, he doesn’t really reach out.
On the other hand, he gives me my space, and he prioritizes his family and close friends (he only has 1 or 2) and doesn’t give much energy or attention elsewhere, so I know I’d have a loyal partner who wouldn’t put his work first or something along those lines (even though I’d understand if he needed to, from time to time.)
As I write this, I realize I need to decide whether this is something I can put up with for years and not mind it, as it will only matter more over time when something is missing.
Christine says
I also have girlfriends who aren’t inquisitive – far less, than I am about them. But I don’t fret about it as much because I’m not spending the rest of my life with them 24/7.
What worries about me about Evan’s advice above is the “He’s probably a happy camper”, and that “this is not an anomaly” is that if many men are happy just having the bare minimum, then are we all doomed to find that person who does want to know us on a deeper level?? My last 2 boyfriends didn’t show an interest, and it did bother me, and made me think I’m likely happier single, but then I have days where thinking of not having a family really depresses me. It seems the odds are so much lower with this new trait, and on top of that there has to be alignment on chemistry, values, beliefs, lifestyle, and more!
I know we’re not supposed to settle, but the OP’s question is legitimate: should we compromise for ‘good enough’ or strive for ‘the best’? Many of my girlfriends say their boyfriends/husbands/fiances are the same, and that that’s just “how guys are”. Is it????
Yulia says
The last paragraph of the person who responded creeps me out a little bit. It sounds like a double standard. If a relationship is built partly on the other person’s enjoyment of being asked questions and getting to talk about his life, it’s unfair to say that you should be okay with him being a “happy camper,” but not get to talk about your life.
Unless he was just saying that men won’t be judgemental about your experiences when deciding whether or not to like you. But I wouldn’t say learning that is “more important” than knowing that you’re worth being listened to lol.
Angela Vittoria Elvebak says
First of all, no she doesn’t need to take scraps of a man because of a felony, you don’t even know why. What does that have 2 do with the price of tea in China. She can find a man who talks and accepts her. That is such an abusvie thing to say. Second, only a total loser would hear the person they live with can’t have a gun, because of a felony and not ask why. That is the biggest, narrissitic thing I have ever heard. That is something I would ask a co worker if they said. The is a baby, he wants a mommy, someone to do everything for him, take, take, take. He will never be interested in her, cheat when he feels like it, invalidate her feelings, and prob eventually do whatever and blame her reactions. Leave girl, run. Find somone who wants to know you, not just use u not to sit alone, but be a loser loner.
Lulu says
Wow, I’m in something that looks like this…we met, chatted, liked each other and before a month he was saying he loves me. I then started noticing when I tell him something exciting about my day, he seems disinterested and not engaged. It has happened once or twice. Even when the story is interesting at the end he leaves me laughing or expressing my emotions and doesn’t have any response or input to what I just spent 10 minutes talking about. Today I asked him when my birthday was, my favorite food, where I moved from, how long I’ve been living in the country and he couldn’t even mention a word. I asked him to name one of my friends or siblings and he couldn’t. Later on picked a fight so that we wouldn’t address the elephant in the room “how come he doesn’t know the basics about me.” This issue was left unresolved, he had to go to sleep, he has a headache (by the way these reasons are so common every time he doesn’t want to deal with an issue between us.) anyway, he’s off to bed and I’m here awake in the middle of the night wondering how do I know so much about someone and they don’t know much about me, yet say they love me. We’ve been going out for 1 month, if he doesn’t think that THIS is a big deal, we will have to part ways…don’t be used in a relationship, don’t just be the giver, don’t just be the one to nurture the man and settle for “he’s good in other things” when all is said and done, all you will have is communication between you and if he is not attentive or interested in you, so sorry and so sad, you have to wait for someone who will be excited to get to know every single thing about you because you are dear to them.
Emma says
Agreed, to me it sounds like the BF is hard-avoiding getting to know her on a more intimate level, or maybe he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with the truth or the emotion of it. If my BF dropped that information, I think my instinctual response would be something like “whoa, do you want to talk about it?” to signify to my partner that a vulnerable experience of theirs is significant to me rather than callously dismissing it, and showing that I am willing to face it, work through it with them, and accept them. At the same time, I wouldn’t pressure them to tell me more, therefore respecting their boundaries. Some people can just ignore and dismiss deeply personal and vulnerable divulgences, and maybe that just means they’re looking for a more superficial level of intimacy.