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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
Hi Evan. I hope you can help. This is about my son. I love him dearly. First, I can say he is not gay. But he is already 29 and tells me he doesn’t believe in marriage. He believes in plurality in relationships. He refuses most arguments about the benefits of being married and insists that the best lifestyle for him is not to be faithful to one woman, but to have many women.

See, this breaks my heart. As a mother I want him to find a women that loves him, get married and have children and be faithful like a normal person would do.

How can I help him move his thinking towards favoring marriage and faithful relationships?

Any suggestions? Please help.
—Ileana

Dear Ileana,

I’m going to answer your question, but I can’t “help”.

Because your query presumes that you can “make him” do something that he doesn’t want to do. And you can’t. The second you accept that is the second that you’re going to come to peace with reality.

If he wants to be free, there’s absolutely nothing his MOM can say that’s going to change his mind

Reality is that your son wants to be free. And if he wants to be free, there’s absolutely nothing his MOM can say that’s going to change his mind — no matter how earnest, factual and logical.

So I’m going to attempt to do two things today. One, I’m going to explain to you HIS point of view. And I’m going to give you some ammunition for YOUR point of view for when you ignore my advice and continue to try to convince him that he’s wrong.

Your son believes in “plurality” in relationships. He wants to have many women.

Guess what? So do most men.

The question is whether it’s a short-term or a long-term proposition.

At 29, I was still looking for a girlfriend, but I was very much enjoying the opportunity to sleep around for awhile before I started building my future. It would be somewhat unusual if he DIDN’T want to sleep around. Especially since biologically, this is what men are programmed to do. Really. It’s not even debatable.

So, if I were you, I would put zero pressure on your son. Let him know to have safe sex and try to be an ethical person by not hurting women unnecessarily or for too long. That’s all that you can do.

If he’s going to undergo a change of heart, you can’t impose your beliefs and values on him. It will have to be on his own terms.

95% of people eventually get married.

However, none of them do so because their mothers tell them to.

Soon, he’s going to notice that all of his friends are getting married.

Soon, he’s going to be the only single guy at weddings.

Soon, he’s going to be the “old guy” at clubs and parties.

Soon, he’s going to discover that all of his single friends aren’t available to go out and pick up women.

Soon, he’s going to discover that it’s somewhat hollow to keep recycling women, week after week, month after month.

Soon, he’s going to think about his own loneliness.

Then again, I could be wrong.

Maybe your son is wired differently. Maybe he didn’t see your marriage as something he’d like to emulate. Maybe he doesn’t see the value in family. Maybe he’s just a shallow horndog, who truly values sex a lot more than he values intimacy and sharing. Maybe he genuinely prefers to be alone.

Only time will tell.

But, if it’s any consolation to you, 95% of people eventually get married.

However, none of them do so because their mothers tell them to. They do so because they determine that the value of love, commitment, and stability is greater than the value of a variety of partners.

As long as he thinks that variety is better than monogamy, he’s going to continue to make that decision.

I’ll bet that he changes his mind eventually. But it might not be until his early 40’s that he realizes that life is better when you’re not alone.

Just remember: it’s not about YOU and YOUR grandkids.

It’s about HIS happiness.

And if this makes him happy (and doesn’t hurt anybody else), all you can do as a mother is to support him.

And don’t get attached to any of his girlfriends.