The #1 Thing You Can Do in Dating That Men Will Love

You turn to me to know the secrets of the male mind. You listen for aha moments about how men think. You watch to understand what makes commitment-minded guys choose to commit to some women and not others. Stick around to hear the single most important piece of advice one Love U grad got from her coaching experience and how EASY it is to make a guy want to stay.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Emily

    It’s SO easy to flirt!! It’s a lost art!! I like to throw in a “hey handsome” and emoji’s.

  2. 2
    Jeannie

    My experiences=when I was warm, friendly & appropriate, most men responded by either running away/getting VERY nervous or just looking for quick sex.(no, I want SLOW sex LOL) I’m an older woman who looks like a combo of Anna Nicole, Coco Austin & Linsey Ward- so when I flirt, they think I am looking for sex! Last year,I tried to stifle the sexiness, it didnt work. Maybe I need to go on a GILF dating site???

  3. 3
    ezamuzed

    I’m a guy who is fortunate enough to get a fair amount of attention and compliments from woman. But I still love it when I get such messages from the ladies. It feels good, it tells me they are into me and it opens the door for more banter and flirtatious conversations in the future.

  4. 4
    TNTXN

    As a man who listens to your podcasts to understand the other side of the dating equation, I want to thank you for this one. Men do not get receive validation, attention, appreciation, etc. from other men or women regularly…and as a divorced, single middle-aged man, I am always the one to lead (in & out of the bedroom), pursue, court, provide validation & attention to women with no expectation of receiving any in return. While actively dating over the last 3 years, I started to enact my own rules when communicating and/or flirting because a lot of women like being pursued, but are not really interested in dating; they enjoy the ego boost of guys’ attention on apps. So, if I’m always the one reaching out first, I will stop initiating communication after a number of days and see what happens. Talk means nothing; actions are the only determinant of value. I am not expecting a 50-50 balance, but if she can’t shoot me any kind of unsolicited text that displays interest just to check in, wish me a good day or ask how it is going, then my interest wanes. We are all busy, but if you dig someone (male or female), you will make time.

  5. 5
    Kitty

    Jeannie,

    It sounds like you are a beautiful and naturally sexy woman. Which is a great thing but can be frustrating at times because so many men really don’t have what it takes to partner a woman of your quality. But some do. Hang in there!

  6. 6
    ScottH

    @TNTXN- you state that you do things with no expectation of receiving anything in return.
    Do you think it’s unreasonable to expect something in return for your efforts? (and apparently you do expect the woman to initiate occasionally based on what you said.)
    One of the best quotes from this site by probably the most prolific contributor (Jeremy) is this:
    “we ALL give something to get something. The only difference between us is what we hope to get. Believing otherwise is the worst sort of bullshit, so very harmful and so very common.”

  7. 7
    Trixie

    And we all know Jeremy speaks for all 7.8B humans on the planet

  8. 8
    ScottH

    @Trixie- yes, thanks for pointing that out. much appreciated.

  9. 9
    Mrs Happy

    Dear ScottH @ #6,

    to be fair, TNTXN said “I am not expecting a 50-50 balance…,” and not, that he does “things with no expectation of receiving anything in return.”
    Those are quite different positions.

    I would agree (who wouldn’t – it’s common sense) that everyone wants some show of interest from the other in relationships, with perhaps the exception of caregiving relationships, e.g. with a newborn infant, or a dementing family member, or the like, which tend to be more one way.

    Men and women have different ways of assessing how much another is into them. TNTXN’s way is not without pitfalls (e.g. a really shy woman won’t reach out to him early on) but it sounds like it might work for him. Anything that helps a person not feel too jaded and worn out is of at least partial use, I suspect.

    I would say, though, to people who feel they don’t receive enough validation/attention/appreciation – do you give much? Of a type, and in a way, that the other person values, rather than some cookie-cutter common compliment spiel that won’t always mean much to someone used to those compliments from everyone?

    I just had a conversation with my husband this morning explaining that, given he seems to want admiration and thanks, and I give these to him far more often than I ever receive them from him, he maybe might start giving some back in my direction, if he wants such from me to continue.

  10. 10
    Jeremy

    A good and fair point, Mrs H. If you aren’t giving your partner what s/he wants, you can’t expect to be given what you want. Even if you’re giving your partner lots and lots of what you think you’d want if you were them. Or of what you think they should want.

  11. 11
    ScottH

    Mrs H: This is a direct copy/paste from comment #4: “I am always the one to lead (in & out of the bedroom), pursue, court, provide validation & attention to women with no expectation of receiving any in return”
    He goes on later to say, “I am not expecting a 50-50 balance” wrt displays of interest

    It sounds like you’re entering the “power struggle” phase that Harville Hendrix describes in his book Getting the Love You Want. You might want to read the book. It’s one of the great books about relationships that maybe you’ve never heard of..

    In your comment, you state: “I would say, though, to people who feel they don’t receive enough validation/attention/appreciation – do you give much? ”
    Do you give much? Great question for the many men who give so much and are told to expect nothing in return, and who actually get practically nothing in return.
    I don’t care to reopen this argument for the 54th time on this forum. But glad you asked the question.

  12. 12
    Jeremy

    Scott, I remember a comment made by GoWithTheFlow years ago on this blog. She mentioned that every woman she knew who went out of her way for a new boyfriend – drove him to the airport, came over to his house whenever he wanted, did whatever he wanted – ended up getting dumped. She concluded from this that men don’t want women who give selflessly, but rather they want women with strong boundaries. I recall disagreeing with her at the time. I maintained that men aren’t attracted to women who exercise boundaries with them (though we are attracted to women who exercise boundaries with other men who aren’t us). But rather, my supposition was that these women were with men who weren’t terribly into them. Maybe not physically attracted, maybe not sexually attracted, maybe didn’t see a future, whatever. And the fact that these women were willing to jump through all sorts of hoops to try to win these men’s affections wasn’t a bad thing, wasn’t a dis-attractant, it….just wasn’t enough. Wasn’t enough to win the men over when they otherwise weren’t being won over by the things that mattered more to them. Wasn’t enough to get them to overcome the lack of attraction they felt. It’s not that the women weren’t doing enough, and it’s not that men are attracted to women with strong boundaries. It’s that the men weren’t attracted to THOSE women.

    With this said, I don’t think Mrs Happy’s question was out-to-lunch. If a man is in a relationship and he perceives himself as giving and not receiving, there are only a few possibilities of what’s at the root of the problem. One possibility is that she isn’t attracted to him, and so his efforts are insufficient to win her over, as per the paragraph above. But another possibility is that the problem isn’t her sexual accelerator but rather her brakes. Her brakes are slammed on because she perceives herself as having given more. Or doesn’t perceive the value of what he’s done, because it’s not what she wanted from him.

    I would say, though, that early on in dating/relationships it’s almost always the former. In long-term marriages it’s more likely the latter.

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