You Can’t Do The Wrong Thing With The Right Guy.

“Should I call him? Text him? Ignore him?” “Why is he pulling away?” “How can I get him back? STOP. When you’re in a healthy relationship, you won’t have to ask any of these questions. And if you find yourself asking these questions, your relationship is really not that healthy.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    SMC

    I will have to wait until after work to watch the podcast but I’m very interested in doing so.  I’m not sure if I entirely agree with your statement “And if you find yourself asking these questions, your relationship is really not that healthy.” only because there seems to be so much game-playing in the world of dating these days that it’s somewhat difficult to know what the “rules” are.  I only just found out about that there seem to be unspoken “rules” of texting in a new relationship, i.e. timing, length, style, etc.  Women, and probably men, are being advised to wait, go, stop, wait some more, now you can go, etc., and it DOES get confusing.  Or perhaps your statement has to do more with someone who’s already well into a relationship and not just starting out, which case, I do agree with your statement.  One shouldn’t be asking those things with an established partner.  I do know that I’m looking forward to the comments for this post because I’ve found myself in that position to a degree, though not so much now as when my current relationship was about 3 months old.   Women (and maybe men) are barraged with advice on the shoulds and shouldn’ts and it’s so easy to keep second-guessing one’s self.

    As for how to keep a man from disappearing, reading “Why He Disappeared” should help anyone having that trouble.  It certainly has helped me.

    I DO agree that you can’t do the wrong thing with the right man.  Been there, done that and it was wonderful.  It’s so nice to see you affirm it.

    1. 1.1
      Adrian

      SMC,

       

      But that was the entire point of this podcast episode, the right person will not play games or care about texting, calling, or flirting rules.

       

      Men and women except more flaws from, are more patient with, and give a greater benefit of a doubt to someone whom we really desire to be with-someone they WANT a future with.

      …   …   …

      My father actually warned me of the opposite, he warned me that it is dangerous to love a partner more than you love yourself. Not because he wanted me to be selfish, but because he did not want me to let my love for a woman give her a get out of jail free card for bad behavior.

       

      Loving someone more than you love yourself is wonder for a person who will always try to make you happy unselfishly, but that degree of power is dangerous in the hands of a selfish manipulative person-there does exist dark twisted love.

       

      My interpretation of what Evan is saying, adds to that by stating that the right person for you will do their best not to act badly toward you (even if they really want to), or make you feel insecure, inferior, or unsupported and unloved by them.

       

      They do this not because dating you magically makes them want to turn into a saint, but because being with you is something they really enjoy, so instead of losing their temper with you, they will talk to you in a calm trusting manner about the problem… Though they ARE still angry.

      …   …   …

      In my opinion one of the greatest core philosophy’s of Evan’s is “a good partner is someone who you can show all your flaws to, and they still accept and love you entirely”

       

      Actually, I should have said one the of best things Evan learned from his wife was that philosophy. (^_^)

      1. 1.1.1
        SMC

        I totally agree, Adrian.  I was once with a person who thought the world of me, told me it was like Christmas every day waking up to me, and no matter what stupid thing I did, it didn’t taint my image in his eyes.  I know what that feels like and I wish it for everyone else.  And I wish it for me again, too.  It really IS true, that you can’t do the wrong thing with the right person.

        1. Adrian

          SMC,

          I have mixed feelings about that. I want it but I don’t want it. (^_^)

           

          What I mean is, I want someone who will overlook my flaws, or stay calm when I let my emotions rule my actions, I want someone who is complimentary to me, not someone I always have to fight for the smallest nicesty.

          but I also don’t want a stepford wife. Some who never stands up for themselves or stands up to me. Someone who if I say or do something that hurts them, they will not tell me. People who do that, always explode sooner or later, from holding so much in.

        2. SMC

          Adrian,

          I didn’t mean to imply that anyone should be a Stepford spouse (equal opportunity here).  And I didn’t mean to imply that we never argued, either, because we did.  But I knew that no matter what happened, he was going to be there on the other side (and vice versa).  It’s a powerful thing, that kind of bond.  He overlooked my flaws (and I have plenty), and even though he wouldn’t really tell me if I did something to bother him, I’m perceptive enough to pick up on things like that and would “make it right.”

      2. 1.1.2
        Emily, the original

        Adrian,

        “But that was the entire point of this podcast episode, the right person will not play games or care about texting, calling, or flirting rules.”

        Yeah, but in my opinion (and people may disagree) you can kill it with being overly eager and overly communicative in the very beginning. Show you are interested, but leave the depth and level of that interest a little bit of a mystery. SAY NO TO TEXTING. Pick up the phone, make the date and be done with it.

        Think of a potential relationship as you would any new friendship. You wouldn’t get a friend’s number, call, make plans and then barrage the person with endless texts. Not if you didn’t know each other well and had not developed a rapport. It takes time to build up to contacting someone daily.

    2. 1.2
      Tom10

      @ SMC #1
      “I only just found out about that there seem to be unspoken “rules” of texting in a new relationship, i.e. timing, length, style, etc.  Women, and probably men, are being advised to wait, go, stop, wait some more, now you can go, etc., and it DOES get confusing”
       
      Hey SMC, I think you’re referring to the discussion we had some time ago about texting. Although “texting” was the medium I forensically analyzed in that post (as that’s what the particular thread was about) my broader point was about how to communicate appropriately in the initial stages of dating. And this principle applies to all forms of communication; not specific to any particular medium.
       
      I.e. a successful dater should learn how to convey the correct level of interest (not too much, not too little) to their date, as well as learn how to gauge the correct level of interest (not too much, not too little) of their date. Once one has this cracked, in a general sense, then they shouldn’t need to forensically analyze intentions anymore; one will simply develop a general awareness of how to date organically. Then you won’t need to analyze “timing, length, style, etc.”, as you will simply instinctively feel if they’re interested, or not.
       
      People who haven’t developed this awareness struggle in dating, as they have poor skills in interpreting all the hidden signals/intentions implicitly imbued within their communications, and they are the ones who ask “should I call him? Text him? Ignore him?” People who have developed this awareness don’t need to ask these questions; as they’ll just know.
       
      Once this awareness has been developed, then the savvy dater will instinctively know how to escalate the level of interest (not too fast, not too slow), through skilful communication, thus incrementally increasing the level of intimacy within the relationship. And this is a process that will continue throughout the duration of the relationship; continuously conveying and gauging (subconsciously) the motivations and intentions of the other party.
       
      My opinion is that this awareness is a skill that can be learned, and indeed, it is incumbent on everyone who dates to learn it.

  2. 2
    Noemi

    Ugh. I have an ex who was the poster child for sulking when he didn’t get his way. We’d be driving in the car, and out of nowhere, he would go silent and give me the cold shoulder. We’d go to bed happy (or so I thought), only to have him ice me out the next morning. To this day, I don’t know what I could have done to strike a chord with him.
    I knew that this was unhealthy, and constantly tried to talk to him about it, asking him if anything is wrong. Sometimes he would swear up and down that nothing is wrong. Other times he would say “well, I must have been upset about something”, but could never tell me why.
    He was also an expert at becoming defensive and impatient with me when I’d cook for him, when we’d go grocery shopping, or when we’d go to the gym together. I could never do anything right. And the complaints. Gosh, the complaints…he complained about my dog, the fact that he had to help me move and couldn’t spend time with his friends, as he deserves to do so because he works so much. Yet, I carefully tiptoed around him until I had nothing left to give him. The thing that made it so heartbreaking was that he only did it to me. He was the kindest son to his parents, the best friend to others, and the model employee to his bosses and clients.
    One day I realized that despite my best efforts, I couldn’t make him see how damaging his behavior could be because I taught him how to treat me by staying in the relationship. He never acknowledged how his behavior affected me until I broke up with him.
    Reading this makes me upset that I put up with his behavior for so long (3+years). I now recognize I dodged a bullet. People who constantly complain, who go cold, and who start arguments over petty things do not make good partners.

  3. 3
    SparklingEmerald

    My relationship with my ex husband started off as him being the right guy for whom I could do no wrong.  We were very happy for about 10 years, then gradually over time he became this angry, critical guy who thought I couldn’t do anything right.  I am really embarassed that I tried to cling to that toxic marriage.  Actually, what I was clinging to was the hope that we could go back to being the happy couple that we once were.  But that guy who cherished me was gone, and  our happy marriage was dead and there was NO resurrecting it.  I didn’t even realize how much I was dying in that marriage until he moved out, and I started coming back to life.

    My boyfriend now,  is the right guy that I can’t do the wrong thing with.  And vice-versa.  On an intellectual level, I realize he isn’t perfect, neither am I, but we are a perfect match for other, and I feel like we have a very even handed relationship.  (By even handed I mean, neither one of has, nor desires “the upper hand”.  No power plays, no games, no “shit-tests”, no mistmatched affections or efforts.  We both adore each other and do things to make each other happy ) From the moment we met, I never had any anxiety over if he would call, did he like me, etc. etc.  He was quite intentional in his pursuit of a relationship with me, and I responded in kind.

    We’ve only been together just over a year, so there is still an element of that newly in love buzz. But I really do believe that we will stay happy, as the excitement of our fairly new relationship, gives way to the comfort & companionship of a long term committed relationship.

    I hope all the ladies reading this blog will take EMK’s advice on not waste time on a man who doesn’t let you know in uncertain terms that you are safe, loved and desired.  I do know women who have stayed for years in relationships that were flaky, ambiguous, non-commital from day one.  They stayed in the hope that someday he would realize just how awesome she was, and sweep her off her feet.  Never happened.  It never gets better, you just get older, and sadder.

    Even if it’s off to a great start (like my marriage), if it deteriorates to a living hell, you’ve reached the point of no return. Once your boyfriend or hubby starts acting as if you can’t do anything right, just get out.  It doesn’t get better.

    Be with the guy for whom you can do no wrong.  Be that gal for whom he can do no wrong.

    Walk away from anything less.

     

    1. 3.1
      Tom10

      @ SparklingEmerald #3
       
      Excellent comment Sparkling.
       
      “I do know women who have stayed for years in relationships that were flaky, ambiguous, non-commital from day one.  They stayed in the hope that someday he would realize just how awesome she was, and sweep her off her feet.  Never happened.  It never gets better, you just get older, and sadder”
       
      So do I. And I personally know of several women in their 30s in this situation who are spending their critical years in this hopeless situation, yet there’s nothing anyone can do about it to help them.
       
      You should try and teach this lesson to the young women in your local high-school!    

      1. 3.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        Thanks Tom10 –I wish this lesson COULD be taught to women via a classroom, but I think this is something that is almost always learned by EXPERIENCE.

        BTW Tom, you and I had a little bantering back and forth, maybe 2 years ago on this blog, about how I was going to become a “make out slut” and you said something along the lines of you were thinking that maybe you might want to find something more serious. (I don’t remember EXACTLY)

        I’m just wondering, are you still thinking along the lines, are you still just having fun ?  Inquiring minds want to know.

         

         

        1. Tom10

          @ SparklingEmerald #3.1.1
          “I wish this lesson COULD be taught to women via a classroom, but I think this is something that is almost always learned by EXPERIENCE.”
           
          Lol. Well I guess in that case the next best thing you can do would be to post the dating lessons you’ve learned throughout your life on some sort of public forum, or internet site maybe, so that young women might read them and learn from them. Oh wait a minute…haha.
           
          Keep up the good work with your thoughtful comments Sparkling; you never know who might read them. 🙂
           
          “I was going to become a “make out slut” and you said something along the lines of you were thinking that maybe you might want to find something more serious…I’m just wondering, are you still thinking along the lines, are you still just having fun ? “
           
          I remember that little convo actually, and in fact have been considering it a lot in the meantime: the truth is I’m doing neither at the moment. I actually started my own practice almost a year ago now (I’d post a link to my site except that it has all my personal details!) and so have spent almost every hour of every day since then just…working (including weekends 🙁 ). Yawn. Lots of work but not much money (yet, lol).
           
          So I’ve simply run out of time and energy to find something serious or to have fun. I don’t really have much opportunity either, as I’ve an irrational phobia towards internet dating and my formerly intense drive for the bar/club scene has dramatically waned in the last while. Sign of getting old, eh? Haha.
           
          I reckon it’ll take at least another year, if not two, before I’m settled financially and/or have any spare time. I’m 32 now so that will leave me at 34. And I honestly don’t know what to do then. I’ve been stuck at my “existential crossroads” since our “little bantering” and just can’t decide what to do; I keep flip-flopping between the pros and cons of being a slut/in a relationship. And several of my friends are the same; we’re all stuck not knowing what to do next in life!
           
          But all work and no play makes Tom a dull boy. So something will have to give eventually…I’m just not sure what.
           
          Or maybe life will just come along when I’m least expecting it and simply make the decision for me. Hopefully anyway.
           
          With regards to your situation I’m actually a little relieved that you’re in a relationship now rather than being a fully-fledged “make out slut”! You seem in a much happier place now that you are. And it keeps my conscience clear. 😉

  4. 4
    Amy P

    Thank you for this blog! This takes so much pressure off; I can relax and be myself.

    I have done a LOT of self work in the past several years, and it seems like the stronger I’ve become, the harder it has been to find a relationship. But I think that it’s actually that I’m not settling for BAD relationships for the sake of having one.

    Thank you again, Evan. I look forward to your emails.

  5. 5
    Helene

    First I thought the pod was an eye opener .    It put into words the feeling that is vital to a person’s well being, physical, emotional and intellectual.      A healthy relationship should make both partners feel safe and secure-     Forgive one’s behavior or words for he/she know not what they always do will hurt you.    And know that for every 60 seconds of anger you harbor you lose a minute of happiness in your life , a life you only get one time to live.

    I was married to a man for 39 years who always looked at me like the first day he met me – that unconditional love that helps you grow into a strong, confident and loving person.  And me I gave him that same forgiveness everytime he frustrated the hell out of me!!     I’m a widow who ended up in a 3 year relationship that was the opposite of that.    The first 10 months felt that way and then for the next 2 years I walked on eggshells thinking that he would be that man I wanted him to be.      Never happened and I realize the best thing I did was to outright say .   This is not healthy .    I never want to see him again.

    Evan is helping me navigate the dating world and I am enjoying my experiences thanks to his guidance !

  6. 6
    MsK

    You are obviously psychic Evan as something similar happened just this week to me after dating a guy exclusively for 5 weeks. Thanks for this podcast, this really helped!

  7. 7
    Rebecca Brockway

    Evan: I read every one of your posts that arrive in my email’s inbox, and I get excited when you occasionally surprise me with a video or podcast. Reading your column is great, but listening to your voice is so much better. Speaking of your voice, you sound so relaxed, confident (not cocky), and grounded. This particular podcast felt like I was sitting across from you and sharing a casual, heartfelt conversation with a friend over lunch. One of your best presentations ever! Thank you 🙂

  8. 8
    Leah

    Hi Evan, this podcast came at the perfect time for me! It’s like you know what I’m going through right now and sent me that email. I think what you said makes a lot of sense and allowed me to look at my last relationship in a new light.

  9. 9
    Tola

    Thanks Evan for this podcast, I experienced a bad relationship with a guy and when I ended it, I started to question if I did d wrong thing until I reached out to him and guess what, he put it all on me and I started feeling bad, I had to go deep within myself to think about what happened in the relationship, putting aside how I still felt about him and I knew I was right for ending things, this guy was a manipulator, saw me at his convenience, never went out with me alone without his friends, his phone was hardly ever with him, told me he was a player but he just liked me, told me he loved me but He never showed the love, when I spoke up, he gave me d silent and withdrawn treatment, taking hours to read messages, blaming and punishing me by giving attitude. He acted like he was doing me a favor by dating me. I wonder why we fall for the so wrong ones. I can’t count how many times I cried over this guy after the breakup. I’m so over him now and I’m glad it didn’t work out with him.

  10. 10
    Single

    Thank you Evan. I’m 52 and trying to get back into the dating “game”  and found myself wondering why it’s become such a game!  I’ve been inundated with advice on how to act and what the new rules are and honestly started to think no relationship is worth it. But this podcast is right on in my opinion. I should be free to be myself and not worry about rules when the right guy comes along.

  11. 11
    ScottH

    “were you able to make mistakes and be forgiven?”  excellent question.

    loved this podcast.  Thanks Evan.

  12. 12
    Roxy

    Thanks, Evan. Been beating myself up and this helped me realize that his poor communication skills was the biggest problem; this was half of the reason I did not feeling safe.

  13. 13
    Nyesha

    Dear Evan,

    Currently going through a, “beat myself up” situation, this podcast allowed me to take a deep breath and finally relax. I’ve spent the entire last 24 hours in a reckless state of mind, beating myself up, blaming myself for what I said. I realize now that it’s truly out of my hands how or IF this other person responds. If this person does not, I know that this is not the person for me. If one uncomfortable interaction causes this person to drop off the face of the earth, good riddance.

    I think what makes me sad is the constant process of having to let people go when you know in your heart that they are not a healthy influence for you. Sometimes I only beat myself up because I want that person to be THE person I can share my days with but I get feelings of sadness when I realize they just are not that person.

    Dating makes me very exhausted. In general, my experiences have been similar across the board. It’s my own fear of being single forever that keeps drawing me back in to the dating scene. Your podcast also served as a reminder for me to take time for me, spending time on the things that I love.

     

    Thank you.

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