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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
Been listening to your podcasts and I love them! I believe you touched on this topic once before but not really sure. I’ve been online dating for years. I’m not skinny – size 10/12 is what I am now and used to be thinner. I feel as though I have a “limiting belief” that I can’t get married unless I’m to the size I want to be. I have been called too fat to date by a lot of men I’ve met online and it’s soul crushing. And usually it happens after I don’t accept their invitation to just hang out or send naked pics. Do I stop online dating until I get to the size I want to be? Do you have any advice for women like me that aren’t “skinny” about online dating?

Thanks,

Michelle

Thanks for your vulnerability, Michelle. I completely understand where you’re coming from and feel deeply for your predicament. Truth is: there’s always something we can do better.

Men put off marrying until they’ve reached a certain point in their career.

People put off dating because they’re unhappy at work, suffering from an illness, feeling generally depressed, and any other number of common reasons.

And yet, virtually all of these people eventually get married, if they want.

And yet, virtually all of these people eventually get married, if they want.

Your observation that men can be shallow is real.

Your observation that you have more dating options at a size 4 than a size 12 is real.

Your belief that you are “too fat to date” is not real.

You may be too fat for certain men, just as certain men are “too poor” for certain women.

But that’s neither here nor there.

The average man’s income is $50,000. Some women won’t give him the time of day. But many other women will. That man with the average income who puts himself out there to date, eventually ends up being fully loved and accepted by his wife. If he closed up shop and gave up on love until he was a millionaire — because of his limiting belief that women only want rich men – he would not have his beautiful family.

The average woman’s size is 16. Which, by my crude, back-of the envelope math, Michelle, makes you THINNER than the average U.S. citizen. Surprise!

I’d love it if you could feel thin, if you could erase the media images, women’s magazine covers, and nasty comments from cruel men online.

But that’s not within my control.

All I can tell you are the facts:

As of 2013, only 4.6% of women 70 and older had never been married (not accounting for the 1.5% of gay women who couldn’t get married).

So, without any pep talk about societal standards, fat shaming, insecurity and the like, I can say, with great confidence, that if you choose to date as a size 10/12, it is inevitable that you will find someone to love you at your current weight — and even more.

Good luck, my friend.

You can do this.