My Boyfriend Is Staring At and Flirting With Other Women!

My Boyfriend Is Staring At and Flirting With Other Women

I’m dating this man, who on many, many counts is really wonderful. He’s a very intelligent man, classy, generous, loving and not a womanizer. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, and sexy, etc., and how lucky he is to have found me. He says almost every day that he wants to marry me, and how he misses me terribly when we are apart. That’s all wonderful to hear! I feel the same way about him.

The problem is, that whenever we go out, he looks at other women. Not just the average-guy looking. He’s staring at them. He gets so caught up in it, even while holding my hand and walking past shops, he’ll head into one, if he sees someone attractive inside. He’ll sit with me at restaurants and look. He’s even go so far as to look behind me to see someone again, and has looked long enough many times to make eye-contact. Seems to try to make eye contact, too.

He’s a very sociable guy. Says hello to most people (men and women). But he does have a shy side and is uncomfortable in large groups where he knows no one. He is also extremely clever with humor, and easily silly and good with the come-backs that are hysterically funny.

But it’s these long-looks, or just about forgetting that I’m there right next to him, that are really bothering me. I’m not enjoying this. It’s starting to ruin the relationship for me. It makes me question his feelings for me, and his comments that I’m so beautiful, and here he’s looking at all these other women.

I know he’s proud of how I look. He’s told me many times that he feels that men are envious around him of me. I do get looked at often by men, but I don’t make eye contact like he does. I think that it’s rude to my partner, although I am tempted to show him how it feels! But I don’t want to play games. That is not my style.

I’ve only once made a comment about what he was looking at recently. I couched it in a joking form, to make the comment, but let him know that I’ve noticed his staring. He got immediately defensive. I didn’t ask him why, just said something to the effect of: “oh, it’s the beer in her hand you were looking at?!” He bristled. I could feel his shock at my comment. He was completely silent and had no response. He must have stared at this woman for 10 minutes before he said he wanted a beer. Other than that, he seems oblivious to his behavior.

How do I let him know I’m insulted that he does this so consistently?

How do I avoid an argument that will be simply denial on his part, and be productive to let him know this really bothers me, that he goes out of his way to look/stare? How do I let him know that I don’t trust his words, then, that he thinks I’m beautiful, etc., if he’s got to look at every woman we pass by?

It’s made me not want to go places with him anymore.

I look forward to your response!

Thank you,

Karen

I appreciate all the details you provided, Karen, because they paint a fully-fleshed out picture of your relationship. It would easy to demonize your boyfriend as evil, but you bother to mention that he is sociable, that he praises your beauty, and that he wants to marry you.

Which is why his over-the-top leering is so highly inappropriate….

Listen, if anybody in the world would be expected to defend an inappropriate flirt, it’s me. I’ve toed the line for so many years that I don’t even know where the line is anymore. That said, let’s first assume a few things:

Number 1, let’s assume that everything you said about your guy is true. He really does love you, he really does find you attractive, he really does see a future. This establishes conclusion Number 2 – namely, that if a man loves you, he doesn’t want to hurt you. Sure, people hurt each other all the time, but in healthy relationships, the hurt generally comes from an unintentional place.

As always, I speak from experience. I had an ex who didn’t like my flirting. Except she saw flirting at times I wasn’t even flirting. I could be handing 84 cents to a 17-year-old checkout girl at a grocery store in Florida , or trying to coerce a 51-year-old woman bartender into pouring me a stiffer drink, but no matter what semi-attractive female I talked to, I got a mouthful afterwards. This was paranoia to the extreme. And it was counterintuitive and counterproductive.

Counterproductive in that yelling at me to change didn’t really make me want to change. Counterintuitive in that she was trying to stifle the same charm she initially fell for. Talking to strangers isn’t a habit – it’s a personality trait – one that doesn’t go away upon request. And to be clear, I’m an equal opportunity talker. I spent a half hour talking to a very attractive man in her presence at an art gallery, but didn’t get chewed out for it. No, my crime was in talking to someone that my girlfriend felt was threatening – even though the threat was all in her head.

Talking to strangers isn’t a habit-it’s a personality trait- one that doesn’t go away upon request.

So in case you’re a woman reading this and you’re trying to change his personality, save yourself the trouble and just dump him. Ultimately, this is what my girlfriend did – for the betterment of both of us.

Let’s also distinguish the difference between flirting with intention and flirting without intention.

Flirting with intention is when you have a stranger on your lap at a party and you ask for a phone number.

Flirting without intention is when you smile and ask for your waitress’ name. One is inappropriate, the other is benign….

If YOU’RE insecure about being cheated on, you’ll find the waitress thing problematic. If you’re not insecure, there’s no reason to be bothered. This is YOUR issue, not his. Same goes for men who freak out when other guys check out their sexy girlfriends. If you fell for her because she’s sexy, you don’t suddenly tell her to dress like a nun out of your own insecurity. That’s hypocritical and it’s no wonder that creates unnecessary tensions in the relationship.

To bring this back to you, Karen, it sounds to me like you have a good guy on your hands who has a big blind spot. He’s more oblivious than malicious. Which doesn’t mean he’s off the hook. By calling him out, you embarrassed him in a passive-aggressive way. Yes, he deserved it, but there IS a better way of handling it….

Namely, you need to have an emotionless heart-to-heart with him. Don’t bite his head off the next time he does it. “The way you leer at other women is disgusting!” Instead, find a time when everything’s humming along and say, “I’ve been thinking…” Now you have his attention.

Before you go for the kill, let him know that you love him and that 95% of the time he makes you feel special. It’s just that this small percentage of the time, he might not even realize that he stares at other women. And it’s not that you don’t think he has the right to peek or find others attractive, it’s that when his gaze lingers, HE MAKES YOU FEEL HURT. Believe me, no man wants to be responsible for making a woman feel hurt.

Believe me, no man wants to be responsible for making a woman feel hurt.

He’ll be defensive, but he’ll listen. And although he’ll keep looking for years to come – his behavior is long-ingrained – he’ll at least be more aware of himself and respectful of you.

It’s ironic that you should have to appeal to his gentlemanly side when he’s being such a lech, but it’s true. Let him know that you feel hurt and he will do everything in his power to stop hurting you.

And if you find that you can’t put up with his disrespectful behavior – and you have every right to feel that way – you know what you need to do.

Good luck.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Welfred Whinehouse

    Everyday, seven-takes, of the same old scene. The world slows down, but my heart beats fast right now. I know this is the part where the end starts. I can’t take it any longer, all we do is linger. ‘Find a way I can tell you. I hate this part right here, I hate this part right here. I just cant take your tears. D:

  2. 62
    Malky

    Hello … how funny, I realize, when I re-read what I wrote back in August. Since then, I ran into him again and agreed to get together … as “friends”. Of course, friends means more than being different from being boy- and girl-friends … it means a real bond. Impossible when the person who pledges to be your “friend” is not to be trusted … still! My “friend” found time to talk to me in the car on his way somewhere, stuck in traffic, and even on Christmas … when he wasn’t already “booked” at a singles event … which is the case nearly every day. He didn’t make plans with me, just waited to see what might … develop. Anyway, I’m going round and round. What Seductress Within said about addiction is so true. My “friend” was a sex addict and glamour photographer before we met, continued seeking “clients” while we were together, and now peruses meetup sites to “sling some mud”, as he calls it. I’m still struggling to make peace with my own past; however, I know that I want to share my life with someone who will care enough about me to care that I feel safe … which is what I told him I needed. He told me that even if he was in a relationship, he’d still want to meet and make new “friends”. Is there any chance we have so cheapened the meaning of the term that it’s filtering into the way we value relationships with others?

  3. 63
    Ambrosia

    One of the things I like about this group discussion is that there seems to be general agreement that when a man over-looks, leers, or ogles it is disrespectful. To be clear we cannot help but notice an attractive person, but leering is different. I have a great boyfriend, we’re a great fit, all except for the part where he ogles at other women and the part where he gets all giddy when a pretty woman talks or flirts with him, when I’m right there. OUCH! This is good fun for him and flattering for the woman he’s ogling, but it does not make me feel warm and fuzzy to watch it.

    I appreciated that Evan Marc Katz (EMK) pointed out another perspective that it is possible a woman sees or perceives something as flirting when it is not. This may not be the case many times, but it’s worth considering. I’ve tried to consider this perspective in my case. Even so, the facts still remains that my boyfriend has ogled other women when he is with me. It might be a matter of perspective when actual flirting occurs. After discussions (and arguments) he has gotten better about not ogling women. He has had some slip-ups where he has ogled a few women, and thought I could not see him doing it. Does he do this to hurt me? Sometimes, I think he has a subconscious desire to diminish me. Or does he ogle women because we live in a culture we are bombarded with images of women as sex objects? With premium movie channels and the Internet we have very convenient and easy access to lots of porn. Even without the porn, men watch sports and see scantily clad cheerleaders, or commercials where the middle-aged man wants to trade in his wife for the beautiful young model, or commercials where it’s just cute when a man ogles another woman and his girlfriend just rolls her eyes at it. Is our media brainwashing many men to think that ogling women is adorable and acceptable?
    If a woman complains about it, is she a prude? Are women being brainwashed to think they need to get big fake boobs, liposuction, and dye their hair platinum blond, in order to get and keep a mans attention?

    If only men could be more understanding that sometimes a woman can get paranoid, even if for no good reason. A little gesture on his part to show her that he is into her and not the other woman would be better than an argument later. I remember seeing a man who cared about his wife’s feelings and I thought very highly of him. I could see that his wife was upset at another woman she thought was getting her husband’s attention. The man didn’t do anything wrong, but instead of thinking his wife was paranoid and insecure, he offered her security by putting his arm around her and stroking her back. He did that little gesture to reassure her. Now that’s what I call a gentleman. Any of those left?

  4. 64
    Kenley

    I don’t think a “great” boyfriend ever knowingly tries to diminish his girlfriend.

  5. 65
    Karl R

    Ambrosia said: (#64)
    “If only men could be more understanding that sometimes a woman can get paranoid, even if for no good reason.”

    Evan has often pointed out that there’s no point in wishing that men/women would be different than what they are. We can’t change other people. He can’t change other people either. He can only advise people of the changes the can make to themselves.

    Ambrosia said: (#64)
    “The man didnt do anything wrong, but instead of thinking his wife was paranoid and insecure, he offered her security by putting his arm around her and stroking her back. He did that little gesture to reassure her.”

    This man is putting into practice what Evan preaches. Instead of wishing that his wife would be different, he took action to improve the situation. You believe this man was a gentleman. I believe this man was a perceptive and pragmatic individual.

    But your anecdote is an excellent example of how a man can easily resolve this kind of situation, and I may make use of this information in the future.

  6. 66
    Ambrosia

    Kenley – You’re absolutely right, and that’s something I must remember. I do not believe he knowingly hurts me. I guess the hard part is remembering at the time I need to remember, but I’ll work on it. Thanks for your comment.

    Karl R – How true, there is no point in wishing. I appreciate you pointing that out for me, because I believe it is important for me to realize that.

    I find your other comment rather interesting. I agree, the man certainly seemed perceptive. The “pragmatic” comment is interesting for me. After thinking about that comment and seeing the images of the man and woman in my mind a few more times, perhaps the man was pragmatic. I guess I’m a little on the idealistic side. Maybe I’m more than just a little idealistic since you very kindly pointed out two of my idealistic comments. I appreciate it. Thank you.

  7. 67
    Karl R

    Ambrosia, (#64 & #67)
    I think it’s human nature to want to idealize/demonize people’s behavior. I recently had a few female friends try to idealize some of my own behavior … in cases when I was specifically acting in my own self interest.

    I don’t think your boyfriend is trying to diminish you. I think he enjoys staring at attractive women. I think he doesn’t realize how much it bothers you (though you seem to be correcting that). I think he lacks the foresight to recognize the negative consequences of ogling. Or he may have poor impulse control.

    Ogling isn’t always a bad thing. If my girlfriend is naked, and I’m ogling her, she’ll find it “adorable and acceptable”. (I’ve tested this with multiple girlfriends.)

    It’s the “OUCH” part that’s unacceptable. As Evan recommended, let him know that you feel hurt when he’s ignoring you and staring at other women. Don’t tell him that he’s being disrespectful. Don’t tell him that he’s subconsciously trying to diminish you. Just tell him that you feel hurt.

    If he really is a great boyfriend, he’ll start trying to change his behavior so he doesn’t hurt you.

  8. 68
    Ambrosia

    Karl R,

    I think he understands the consequences, because I think I made those fairly clear. I do know he has tried to stop his behavior and I have come to realize this is very difficult for him. I have realized more recently that, as you said, he really seems to have poor impulse control. This recent realization has troubled me lately. I wonder if I will be able to go on vacation with him, go to a public event, or go to a restaurant and be comfortable that he is not going to get that smirk on his face, that twinkle in his eyes, and that sense of excitement when he sees another woman that catches his fancy. I wonder if he will control his behavior for a few months and then slide back to the same behavior pattern. He and I are both divorced and middle-aged. He is not ogling young hot 20 year olds (unless they’re naked and/or have large breasts). He ogles women of his dating age. It makes me feel like he is looking for a mate other than me. Sometime ago, in one of our discussions on this matter, I asked him if he wanted to date other women. He said he did not. I wonder if I’m just convenient. Maybe he really wants that tall pretty platinum blond in the tight jeans, but he just doesn’t have the self-confidence to ask her out. Okay, and lastly, he has ogled me, said I’m hot, and that was fun. But that loses it’s fun when I have to share it with another woman.

    I appreciate and will heed your advice. Thanks again.

  9. 69
    Stalker

    Tell him how this makes you feel as though you are second best and that he acts like you are nothing and that is still looking for a significant other when he does this.Tell him that when he does this he becomes less attractive to you and it erodes away the love you have for him.I told my boyfriend exactly this and it worked.He is now more subtle when he looks,not glaringly and embarrassingly obvious about it.All men and women do look but they do so tactfully and tastefully as to not hurt their significant other.When you love someone you do care about these things.A man who loves you puts you first,not his own ego or need to be Mr.Popular in front of other women.If he truly loves you he will not have a nasty ego or a need to be Mr.Popular with anyone but you.If he doesn’t put you first,dump him immediately.

  10. 70
    Michelle

    Evan – Looks like you’ve got some spammers in the comment section. The “Preston” guy is link-dropping, and is a known spammer. So, is the “lenkaalech” poster. How do I know? Because they both tried to leave the EXACT same comments on my WordPress blog.

    Whoever is moderating comments should delete these 2 spammers, since they’re link dropping — and one of them (lenkaalech) is link-dropping to a “skinny girl” porn video.

  11. 71
    Nicole

    Hi Karen! Leave him lol You’ll find other great men.. there’s not only one. Also, you already said you’re over marriage and all that crap so it’s kind of easier to just let his inconsiderate freak ass go.
    I’m sorry, but if my special someone stared for more then 3 minutes I would dump him immediately and say “go ahead, go get her because you’re free now!”
    Maybe a little protective over myself but hey, I rather be with a magnificent, wonderful man that loves me more than staring at people he doesn’t even know than someone who doesn’t and is trash. No matter how many fake compliments or bullshit he does to make me think he’s good when he can’t even do something as simple as respect my feelings and me over all.

    Anyone who thinks otherwise just doesn’t know or is okay with their special someone disrespecting them and cheating.

  12. 72
    Melinda

    Wow…you guys made some very insightful comments here.
    It depends on the level of trust and respect in a relationship. When I first started dating my husband, I noticed that he seemed to be a little bit insecure. This reminds me of an incident about two years ago while we were dating. We went out to a casual restaurant one night. There was this guy sitting by himself. In the car on the way home, I noticed that my husband (then-boyfriend) was being very quiet and sullen. I wondered what the problem was. We had been talkative and having fun while eating dinner, so what could the matter be?
    He told me that I’d hurt his feelings by “staring” at the guy sitting alone in the restaurant. My immediate reaction was to be defensive because I was HURT by his accusation. I had done nothing of the sort. I felt misunderstood. I know how it feels to be out with somebody who pays more attention to other girls, so there is no way I would disrespect a person I care about. The guy he accused me of looking at wasn’t even somebody I would consider attractive!
    He is a wonderful husband, but his insecurity bothers me. I trust him to be faithful but it seems like he has issues with control sometimes. I believe that he doesn’t really trust me. I have been completely faithful and loyal to him. I have given him no reason to believe that I cannot be trusted. Yet, I feel like he attempts to “catch” me lying all the time. I feel like he is suspicious of me. This was obvious while we were still dating. He is 14 years older. I’m still in university. He is very critical of the way I do things. He treats me like a two-year old. I’m 26.
    What do you do if you’re the woman in this situation and your partner believes that you are staring at other men? I fell in love with him immediately, almost the minute I met him. I don’t usually believe in love at first sight but I was bowled over by his gentle demeanor and intelligence. He is also very good-looking. He is my ideal man, but the insecurity and constant criticism of how I behave or do things is a turnoff. I cannot smile or make innocent eye contact with anyone for fear of being accused of staring. I wish he understood how much I love him and that I would never do anything to hurt him.
    I realize that he has had unsuccessful relationships with women in the past, including an ex-fiancee who cheated on him with her ex (sort of a weird story there). I’ve had my share of history with bad guys. I HATE my ex-boyfriend. But I’m trying not to let my failed relationships with other people influence my marriage. It is difficult when you have been hurt, but I’m trying to move on. I know that initially he wasn’t really attracted to me in the physical sense, although I think I’m cute. He prefers white women and Latinas. As time went on, I believe he became more open-minded. A pretty girl is a pretty girl…no matter what color her hair, eyes, or skin.
    Karen, more power to you. There was some disrespectful behavior on his part and you handled it with class.

  13. 73
    sandy

    HI CWAZYBABE
    I totally understand what your saying too. I feel the same way when me and my man are out. We are both attractive but he seems to ogle girls all the time and then he tells me that he wasn’t even looking and that i just think he is because he has done so many times in the past. i instantly get my back up because when i see an attractive girl coming, i automatically think he’s going to ogle. I think we should trust our instincts on this one tho. but i’m happy to have someone elses advice on this because it drives me nuts. Recently my partner and i went on a holiday to Bali, it was horrible as everytime we went out to shop, eat, swim or sightsee, he could not stop staring at other women. On one occasion, we were out on a busy street in Kuta, people everywhere of course, my ptr and i were having a chat, then a good looking girl caught his eye, so he cuts me off mid sentence and does a 360 turn to look at her. i felt so stupid and that whatever i was saying to him did not matter because ‘hang on a minute’ there’s a hot girl walking past. even when we were in the taxi’s he had his eyes hanging out of his head, staring at every blonde that walked passed. if i said something about it, he immediately got defensive and started calling me paranoid, insecure and jealous. We have been together for almost 2 yrs, we’re engaged but i’m not sure if i want to marry him because of this and other reasons. Even when we drivve to the shopping centre in the car from home, and there is girls walking, he looks in his side mirrors of his car to check them out, right in front of me, looks in his rear view mirror. it really hurts my feelings. no wonder we immediately get our backs up as soon as a hot girl walks in. i’m so over it and don’t know if i can tolerate it any longer. These days if i even mention that i’ve noticed him checking out other girls, he gets defensive and tells me i have issues and that he’s tired of me nagging about it.

  14. 74
    Claire

    I googled” my boyfriend is flirting what to do?” Although this blog really helped me, I’m affraid I am very sure he was flirting and the flirt was of the worst kind.
    I actually read some aim messages of when he was speaking with girls online. I found logs of conversation on his laptop with at least 4 of them. He was chatting with them the same way he chats with me, and he is really great at making people feel important. He’s “that nice guy”. I love him to death but he also asked one girl for a naked picture that i think she sent and he was telling her how he thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and how where he was he could not find somebody like her, calling them baby, telling her that he missed her and more… I caught him red-handed but he claims it doesn’t mean anything for him, he did it out of boredom (he’s jobless) and that he won’t do it again. I believe it but i think it went disgustinly far. He says he knows he wants to marry me and that he didn’t think that would affect me that he NEVER had sex with any of them. I know he didn’t but I still feel very betrayed that he would say these things just to please people that don’t matter. I’m scared thinking Isn’t it a preview of my life with him if I marry him? It’s the first time so should I qualify this as mistake?

  15. 75
    sandy

    you know, i did read something coming straight from a guy that, all guys look, all guys are looking for something better. i’d love to here an honest answer to this question from some guys out there. If that’s the case then we might become less fearful and concerned about males staring and looking at other females. It might even make us girls more independent and confident.

  16. 76
    sun

    Hunter: …As for looking, I agree with Evan, the man doesnt have to be executed, for doing that.I remember dating a woman, who, would point out, attractive women walking by. I wont look other places, when, I have someone, I like, with me.

    As long as men are pointing out to their girlfriends all the handsome muscular guys they see, I guess it’s fine.

  17. 77
    Sayanta

    Claire, #78-

    The fact that you haven’t kicked this guy to the curb yet is extremely depressing and terrifying.

  18. 78
    Marie

    I have been seeing someone over long distance for8 months, a beautiful deepening and very loving communication and times spent together, like I have never had before. Then one night on the phone he said he was going out to dinner with very little detail which was unusual and my guts turned. Previously he had talked about all the women that were after him and ex girlfrends and I had no reaction, but this time I felt very disturbed. That night he didnt text or call as was our usual pattern and in the morning, skyped that he had lost his phone and had it back by the afternoon… saying, I suppose you are angry with me, lost my phone…had a great night., got home at midnight. All thatappeared fine but my stomach didnt settle. I was due to meet him in 4 days and the anxiety had amped up to almost an intolerable level, never had this fear before. Then I observed the open flirting and the lines he used with me being used on waitresses!!…and he sent me away when we had finished dining to meet him down the road while he took his time. I said something about feeling uncomfortable when he held our poor waitress up for at least 10 minutes when she had tables to serve telling her about his assets and then turned to me and said”see, I told you Canadian women are lovely” likeI had bagged her something. That is when my smile dropped and my stomach started again contorting! Anyway, since then the communciation, I love you, miss you has all stopped and he said he wants to cool it abit becasue he is sensing that I am jealous and controlling and they are big issues. We had talked about living together. My main thing is the shock I am in right now at the sudden change…and what I consider disrepectful beahviour, he is always looking at attractive women but he baits me with unnecessary comments. Is he unaware that I am not actually a bloke? Yeterday he mentioned on the phone that a young cleaner was coming…and added…in her bikini…I spat, because to me it was obvious deliberate nonesensical triggering-who does that? Then he turned it on me and made it sound innocent, that she was coming to use the pool and I had made it up in my mind that she was cleaning in her bikini. I swore at him and he has grounded me from contact for 2 weeks for hurting him. Are some guys, so used to their lazy sexual minds and meandering that they just forget common decency..or is he setting me up to be insecure? I relate to everything Karen said…and my guy, God I have never loved someone so much but the change has been very strange. I am younger than him, very attractive and dont have self esteem issues, but trust and loyalty and respect are huge and I have not expereinced anything like this flirty behaviour before staged as being friendly. I have said, look all you want, just not in front of me, flirt all you like when I am not around but I am having dinner with you. He defends he is being friendly to the point where it may end our relationship because he will not admit its a bit in the grey area and has put me on a good behaviour trial.!!!

  19. 79
    Kenley

    As a faithful reader of this blog, I am starting to believe that if you have to write on this blog about a relationship issue, the relationship is not worth saving.

    Marie, drop this man. Things are not going to get better. They are going to get worse. He is trying to manipulate you. Don’t let him. Run fast and don’t look back.

  20. 80
    Marie

    Thanks Kenley. It is sad watching someone caught up in their own game and trying to manipulate, I know he is doing that. Joggers are on and I am away as of today. People wiriting on blogs about their relationships…we are dealing with various things ina person-the genuine connection, which then gets mixed and muddeid with ego and insecurities. Trying to work out how to manage those aspects, so that the connection getto flow is part of completely loving a person…and when it gets too hard, yes it is time to hit the ground running.

  21. 81
    Marie

    I ask myself…what is jealousy actually really about, what is the insceurity stemming from?. The feeling of losing someone, of being traded in, of becoming invisible, of not being enough…these feelings are what are evoked when I perceive over oggling, unnecessary comments, overt flirting. It seems to severe a connection I think I have with that person, when he does that. Another thing that comes to mind is pride. My ego does not want another to lwoamn to lookat me andbe thinking, “loser honey, your guy just checked me out”. Many emotions come into play here. The bottom line is, if one is prepared to love and lose, then jealousy is out the window. IfI want to be cherished, respected and adoredI need to look at how that feels and presents itself and if the external reality with my partner is not matching…in any way, then its time to take time out and re-assess. I am learning to not focus on 30 second exchanges taking over a whole relationship experience. If I am good with me, then water of a ducks back to most of the niggly indiscretions. If there is deliberate manipulations occurring, its about his insecurities. The next time I am with a guy, and he does to me again what I have just been putting up with, my next strategy is…exit the place where it is occurring…go to the toilet, excuse myself to make a phone call…anything to break the energy of it. Oh, and for the oggling while I am in their company, I am going to carry a postcard of a gorgeous naked man and at the appropriate time, and to keep humour andlight feelingI will enjoy my time when he is ignoring me. Love to all you girls who suffer from the affliction of feeling ignored and irrelevant a times.!!

  22. 82
    Helen

    Marie: Jealous???

    Dump this chump; then any poor woman who comes after you in his affections will become jealous of YOU for having gotten away from such an obvious loser.

  23. 83
    losernomore

    FLIRTING: A form of human interaction between two people expressing a romantic and/or sexual interest. It consists of conversation, body language or brief physical contact.
    FLIRTING: Playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest.
    Therefore, kick the modderfugga to the curb, Karen.

  24. 84
    jaded

    guys look and i think most guys do even if they are in a relationship or even if they are in love.. girls look too.. i myself is facing the same problem. I hate it when my boyfriend for almost 2 yrs stare or look at other women. And guys will deny it and make an excuse of me being so paranoid and insecure. I always tell him that even guys with tall, fair, beautiful, almost perfect girlfriends still do the thing of ogling with other women and talk about other women to other people not realizing that it could hurt his partner’s feelings.. And so I told him that those guys can even act or do that when they have perfect girlfriends- i mean physically and how much more you??!!guys always deny..that’s their nature especially when their partners are naggers and paranoid..the more they cannot open up things to you.. the more they deny the truth..they say that there’s nothing wrong with looking or appreciating as long as there’s no cheating involved.. I see the point there.. but still, I hate being in that kind of???????????

  25. 85
    wade

    your all crazy! (ok i didnt read the real long post) anyone consider that this poor guy has ADD, i do, i find myself looking at random stuff all the time, imcurious- including girls. sometimes staring at a complete train wreck reaffirming whats on my arm is making the other men in this mall jealous.
    maybe he is excessive compulsive and has to stare at something for like 6.65 seconds before he can turn away.
    im just saying lets not just assume this guy is a scumbag, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” -Freud

  26. 86
    Michelle M

    I could have written this blog myself. I am in EXACTLY the same situation with a very, very similar man.

    Everything in our relationship is great – with the exception of his staring/oogling other women.

    I’ve brought it to his attention many times over the past year and a half. It is a very painful situation to be in.

    He admits to having a ‘staring problem’ but not only with women – he says that he stares at everyone. I have noticed that he does stare much more at attractive women. I’ve also caught him doing a 180 degree stare from time to time. Again, at an attractive woman.

    I’m at the point where I am just about willing to let him go. I love him and he loves me, but having the person you love disrespect you – repeatedly- whether he’s always aware or not – is very painful.

    And I also know that men (and women) look at the opposite sex. It’s normal. Glaring/staring/oogling is another story.

    Unless it’s happened to you, you have no idea how much it hurts and can destroy an otherwise healthy relationship.

  27. 87
    Ambrosia

    Kenley – #83 As a faithful reader of this blog, I am starting to believe that if you have to write on this blog about a relationship issue, the relationship is not worth saving.
    You are absolutely correct!
    When I wrote on this blog, I wrote because I knew what I really needed to do, and that was break up with him. I don’t think my ex is a horrible guy. I really think, in my case, it boiled down to his ego-thrills, his warped sense of womanhood, and his inability to empathize. A couple of times I turned the tables on him, not to be revengeful, but to try to get him to understand. Even though my incidents were far minor to his, he got angry at me. He felt ‘not safe’ in the relationship. Well golly gee, I hadn’t felt safe and content in the relationship for two years. Anyway, it’s over for us. I gave up on trying to get him to understand and I gave up with trying to rationalize with someone who mostly evades the issue and evades the truth.

  28. 88
    Emm

    Marie by sounds of it he is either insecure in himself and making his gorgeous girlfriend jealous is making he feel worthy OR he is doing this to make you jealous enough and looking for an excuse to dump u, making out your a bunny boiler!
    Michelle like u I have the same. I find it very strange that someone is staring or doing something that they do not realise they are doing… the funny thing is the majority of women who are being gawped at think they are losers anyway for doing that to their girlfreinds in first place…
    My fella does it… we have fights about it…. but 2 months ago he finally stopped looking at women… BUT STARTED LOOKING AT MEN INSTEAD!!! I have put this down to a number of things…. he is paranoid about me, which is clear cos on number of occasions he has blown his top thinking i was looking at others, he has insecurities about my past as I had an interest in women years ago…
    Think some men do it for the reaction and to make themselves feel better…. and others are disrespectful…. there is nothing wrong with a look, but to keep looking is embarassing… making themselves and you look an idiot….
    If they kick off at you doing it, then you know they are playing a game. If they don’t care you looking then don’t think they are that committed yet, and prob think the grass is greener somewhere else…. be sure you tell them to put their walking shoes on as it’s a long way there…… Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself.. if they are still doing it, then they don’t care enough about your feelings….
    men are from mars…. women are from venus xx

  29. 89
    Lee

    Wow, I find it bizarre that some people are reacting to Evan’s insight in a rude way. Kind of shows that their ego/pride is attached to the advice they are giving Karen. Regardless, I value Evan’s insight into theirs as it isn’t harsh or critical.

    I believe everyone has their own set of deal-breakers. Some people in this situation would end the relationship. And I’m sure a lot of people are pressuring you to do so. But I believe you should go with what feels right to you.

    I’m hearing that this is causing you some unease. And you can decide for yourself whether the amount of unease is bearable in this relationship; there are pros and cons in every relationship.

    Try to listen to what you intuitively think is correcy, as it sounds that the general ‘vibe’ you get from this situation tells more than the details and circmstances you’ve discussed.

    I wish you, and anybody in this situation the best. I just want to add that I was in a similar situation. When i mentioned it to my partner he was surprised. He hadn’t relaised how obvious he was being. And since then he has stopped.

  30. 90
    D.

    My husband does this.  It is not the same as looking and moving on.  It is  a constant search.  I do not go anywhere with him anymore.  It makes me physically sick in my stomach and emotionally sick when I witness this constant ogling of women.  People think he is charming and social, but we have recently discovered that he is Aspergian….on the autistic spectrum.  This behavior will never stop.  It doesn’t matter that we have discussed this many times.  It makes me sick in my soul.  This did not show up until our honeymoon and it has never stopped since then.  We can’t go anywhere together, including to the grocery store.  I stay at home and try to not think about it  when he is “shopping”.  He will stop and stare for minutes if he thinks a woman does not see him doing it.  It is like he is watching someone on television.  He will follow a woman around the store, and sometimes physically bump into her…by accident which actually surprises him when it happens.  He will follow a woman in the parking lot (even with me there) and go to the opposite area of where we are parked.  He will also park directly next to or across from pretty women.  He has walked off with our shopping cart side by side with another woman pushing her cart for an entire aisle as I watched him walk away.  He is tall and I am not.  When we go shopping, he will look over my head to spot other women, even look over the top of the products on the aisle to the next aisle, in Walgreen’s, he looks at the overhead mirror in the back of the store to spot pretty women and will walk away from me and toward them. .  He does make eye contact often.  I have told him on occasion that the man the woman is with will be punching him out pretty soon if he does not stop staring or following her.  My husband will tell you that he does not believe he is doing this.  Counselors have looked at ME as the problem and believe HIM. It is just my imagination and he couldn’t possibly be doing this behavior.  Look up “Cassandra Syndrome” on the Internet.  It actually is not my imagination. and not my fault.  Although we are still married, this has ruined our relationship and our marriage.  I was married once before for many years and this is not a normal male ” look and be done”  experience.  If I had a clue about this, I never would have married him.  ( some Aspergian’s want to be married and behave wonderfully prior to the wedding. Once they have taken the vows, they allow themselves to go back to being themselves.)  You can’t always tell there is a problem until the wedding has been accomplished and marked off their “to do” list. You become a “mother” to them and they will never be a partner for you.  If your boyfriend is doing this type of behavior while he is courting you, it will only get worse and you will get sick from it.  Get out now and run as fast as you can.

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