I Keep Going Out with Men Who Can’t Tell I’m Interested. How Can I Be a Better First Date Flirt?

young sweet couple flirting with each other on a date

In one of your videos you mentioned that while men like women who show interest on the first date, while women prefer men who leave them guessing a little bit about their interest level. I totally agree!

I grew up a very shy and insecure kid. I’m now in my 30’s, quite attractive, and overall a confident woman, but I still tend to be a little on the reserved side when meeting people in person for the first time. A few men (who I was interested in and whose company I was enjoying) have even mentioned on or after first dates that they didn’t think I was interested in them.

I smile. I ask them about themselves. I say thank you and that I had a good time at the end of the date. But a guy friend of mine pointed out that in his experience, women who don’t want to see him do these things too. He said that there is so much rejection on the guy’s end of dating and it gets really disheartening. Understandable.

Part of me thinks that if it’s really the right person with the instant chemistry I really want (yes, I know, I know, I’m aware of your teachings on instant chemistry) this won’t be an issue. Another part of me realizes there have been good men who may have shied away from asking me on another date because they didn’t think I’d say yes, and I could definitely stand to be a bit more flirtatious. But another part of me remembers reading your Why He Disappeared e-book and doesn’t want to be too eager and drive him away.

Any quick first date tips for those of us who aren’t natural flirts?

Thank you!


Love this question, April, because it’s thoughtful, it’s universal, and, most importantly, it’s in my wheelhouse.

Before I was an old married guy telling you kids to stop swiping and texting, I was an insatiable flirt for 35 years.

It was never a choice. It was a personality trait. My dad told me I used to flirt with waitresses when I was five. It’s innate. My mom has it. My kids have it. Most of my clients don’t. But that doesn’t mean you can’t improve considerably when you shift your mindset a little.

Being a good flirt comes from a place of irrational confidence. When you have it, you could theoretically go up to anyone on earth and assume he/she going to love you as much as you love yourself.I say he/she intentionally. Maybe I only flirted sexually with women but my flirtatious personality applied to how I spoke to old women, middle-aged men, little kids and puppies.

Flirting is enthusiastic, warm, confident, animated, and curious. It presupposes that the person in front of you likes you, is attracted to your energy, and is open to continuing the conversation. When you approach all conversations in this way, indeed, the majority of people, will, in fact, like you and want to get to know you better.

Flirtatious is confident. Needy/eager is insecure. Flirtatious assumes the answer is yes. Needy/eager assumes the answer is no.

I do an entire week on Flirting in the Meeting Men module of Love U, but that’s a decent teaser.

As for your more pointed query, let’s make a distinction between flirtatious and needy/eager which drives him away.

Flirtatious is “If you play your cards right, you may get a little action at the end of the evening.”

Needy/eager is “You’re so cute and smart and charismatic. I really hope you like me enough to see me again.”

I trust you can tell the difference.

Flirtatious is confident. Needy/eager is insecure. Flirtatious assumes the answer is yes. Needy/eager assumes the answer is no.

This is why I talk so often about being the CEO of your own love life and treating men as interns. YOU are the one who determines if you go out again and how far he gets, not him. Embrace this mentality and let men know they’re doing a good job on the date and no guy will ever have to wonder if you’re interested in him again.

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  1. 1

    My heart and soul – who I’ve been with for over 3 years now, and planning to marry – knew within the first two hours that I was interested. Our first Tinder date started with us talking so much, it took a whole hour before we could order our first drink; we were enjoying our conversation so much, we couldn’t be bothered to even look at the cocktail menu! It took another hour to get around to ordering food… that poor waiter.

    When we finally looked at the menu and I saw a special garlic bread listed, I told him not to order it “because I might have to kiss you later.”

    He didn’t, and the rest is history. 🙂

  2. 2

    This makes me laugh a little.   I keep attracting men unintentionally by being a dog lover. Anytime there’s a dog, I have to go love it immediately – smiling, giving pets, telling him he’s wonderful, handsome boy.

    More than once, I find a man standing next to me, listening with a smile on his face. One man kept asking me out, right after my divorce, when I was feeling terribly frumpy. I finally said, why would you want to date just-got-divorced-me? His reply: I want to be treated the way you treat your dogs. Ever since, I’ve noticed how men respond to this.

  3. 3
    Yet Another Guy

    I smile. I ask them about themselves. I say thank you and that I had a good time at the end of the date. But a guy friend of mine pointed out that in his experience, women who don’t want to see him do these things too. He said that there is so much rejection on the guy’s end of dating and it gets really disheartening. Understandable.

    Your friend is telling you the truth.   It sounds like you are an introvert, which makes flirting more difficult for you.   Introverts can learn how to flirt, but it takes work because most introverts find flirting to be exhausting.   Flirting is something that comes more naturally to extroverts because they thrive on human interaction.

    What is your body language like on the first date?   Do you attempt to break the touch barrier, or are you at least receptive to a man breaking the touch barrier on the first date?   Many more experienced/assertive men will perform a touch receptivity test by looking for an opportunity to touch you and assess your response such as placing a hand in the small of your back while walking through a door.   Men experience a lot of rejection, so they reflexively deploy their rejection defenses if the touch barrier is not broken on the first date.

    1. 3.1
      No Name To Give

      I am just such an introvert. It’s extremely difficult to find the motivation to meet people at all, let alone flirt. I’m terrible at flirting.

      1. 3.1.1

        For the introverts:  https://youtu.be/S5AA9OmZCgg


  4. 4

    I’m a natural flirt. I get this from my mother, who is a natural flirt and conversationalist, and her mother (my grandmother) who had three husbands and still had no trouble attracting men into her late 70s. I’d say I was pretty much raised to be a flirt, and much of it came from watching the way both my mom and grandmother gently teased men. I think I do it without even thinking.

    I agree with Evan. It comes from a confidence that presupposes that people of the opposite sex (or just people in general) will like you and find you charming. Flirting is actually also just such a lot of fun. It’s actually hugely satisfying to meet someone who seems cold, closed off or nervous in some way and to try to connect with them and get them laughing and relaxed and enjoying themselves.

    The other thing I’ve noticed is that almost every human being on the planet wants to feel desired and attractive, so if you can manage to convey that without making them feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable, they  will  warm up to you.

    As far as the OP’s letter is concerned – she should try making eye contact. A lot. She should try to make probably a bit more eye contact than she feels comfortable with and she should try to hold it for a couple seconds longer than she normally would. If she’s shy, she is probably avoiding eye contact, and this makes it very difficult for the person to know whether you like them. Look into a person’s eyes and smile until you see a hint of a smile back… then break eye contact. Works every time. She should also laugh sincerely at his jokes. People love to feel funny. A hug at the beginning and end of each date is a must, even a first date, and even if you haven’t kissed yet. If she likes the guy, she can try holding the hug for a couple seconds longer than you would for just a normal, “friendly” hug.

    The other thing which I love to do and which I would say is a pretty sure-fire way to let someone know you are interested without appearing needy or coming on too strong is to be a bit cheeky. Tease them a little. For instance, if they say they’re great at shooting pool, say “I don’t believe you.” This triggers a fun competitive instinct in him to want to show you that he’s good at pool, and hopefully you’ll get to join in. Little things like that. You have to be always looking for opportunities to laugh and smile and to get him to laugh and smile because this lowers the defenses and you can then both show each other that you like each other.

    1. 4.1

      Thank you so much for your really useful tips, Clare, to those of us who didn’t have any flirt role models! I so wish you could be my wing- woman 🙂

      1. 4.1.1

        You’re very welcome! So much of it I think comes from just having fun and having an internal contest within yourself to try and get the other person to smile or laugh. There’s something very sexy about a joke shared just between two people.

        Speaking of being a wing-woman… I’ll never forget going out with an ex of mine I think it was our second date. We went to the rugby and then afterwards to a cocktail bar. I went over to a girl who was part of a bachelorette party and told her that I loved her boots and asked where she got them. In no time I had struck up conversation and was chatting and laughing with three or four of the women, who were all very pretty and well-dressed. My date stared at this in amazement and couldn’t believe how easily I had got through the defenses of these girls and started telling all his friends that women make the best wing-people.

        Really I think so much of it is just putting people at ease.

        1. jeremy

          I liked your points about flirting, Clare.   Foreign as they sound to someone of my temperament, the advice is very good.


          Regarding your wing-woman story….have you ever read the book “Self-made man,” by Norah Vincent?   It’s a memoir written by a lesbian woman who dressed up as a man to experience life as a man so as to write about it.   As a “man,” she joined a men’s bowling league, entered a monastery, tried to hit on women, and went to a men’s retreat.   It’s an interesting book with many flaws….but the section where she hit on women was particularly illuminating.   At first, when she was pretending to be a man, she experienced rejection as she never had, even as a lesbian woman hitting on women.   Then, when she revealed to these women that she was actually female, doing research for a book, these women who had rejected her were fascinated and opened up to her – they spent hours conversing.   They initially rejected her because they thought she was a man looking for sex.   They were afraid of her.   They later warmed up to her because as a woman, they were no longer afraid, were no longer defensive.


          The only reason I bring this up was your wording – your date stared with amazement at how easily you had broken through these women’s defenses.   What defenses?   They weren’t defending against a woman.   If your ex had gone up to one of them and told her that he loved her boots – with the exact mannerisms you did and all the same friendliness, do you believe her reaction would have been as warm?


          None of this is to negate what you wrote.   It’s just to state that putting people at ease is much easier when they aren’t afraid of you.

        2. Clare


          I’ve never read that book, but it sounds like a fascinating adventure in gender studies. Thanks for the interesting discussion point.

          Of course, you’re absolutely right. Living in South Africa and walking around by myself most of the time, I am acutely aware that my guard is up with men in a way that it will never be with women. As a random example, I go walking around my neighbourhood every evening for exercise. If I see a woman while I am walking, I will look into her face, smile, and greet her. If I see a man, or if a man greets me, I look shyly up quickly, whisper a greeting and quicken my pace. It’s not personal against him – it’s just my natural defenses being out and about on my own in a dangerous country. A big part of those defenses are because of the natural sex drive of men. It’s just a fact of life, unfortunately.

          So yes, all this is to say that I agree with you. Which was exactly what my date observed and why he said that women make the best wing-people. Women don’t have their defenses up with other women. When I asked the girl about her boots, she knew I was  just  asking about her boots and had no agenda. It’s a privilege of being female – people naturally feel safer with you. (Which is really why we make really good flirts and the OP should have no trouble if she practices)

    2. 4.2
      Emily, to

      Hi Clare,

      Have any of the men you’ve flirted with mistaken your flirtation for interest? Have they ever asked you out when you didn’t want them to? This has happened to me, so I stopped being flirtatious, particularly because I’m very good at being flirtatious with people I’m not interested in. With people I am, I clam up. How you do you convey you’re not serious? Also, when men have heavily flirted with me no intention, I felt lead on.

      1. 4.2.1

        My family is originally from the South, and Southerners are generally considered friendly. So sometimes people don’t know your true intentions.

        Now, this is how it’s done:  https://youtu.be/-puRhCcm9zI


        1. Emily, to


          Well, that guy just sounds straight up “get over here, I want to do you.” Which is fine, if that’s his intention. I can tell the difference between friendly and “friendly,” but I’ve experienced the latter too many times   — someone leaning all over me, making sexual comments, etc. — and then nothing. I don’t trust it anymore.

        2. Nissa

          Aw, Em!    Nolite te bastardes carborundorum!  

          This is one of my favorite mantras, from Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. It means “don’t let the bastards grind you down”. For me personally, it means “don’t let the evil of others make you other than who you authentically are”. There were too many years in which I missed out on the fun  of flirting, of being lighthearted (because on the inside I was dealing with survival level pain), of getting to see myself as a sexual person through the eyes of another, of teasing playfully. I deserved to have those things. So does everyone.

          If you notice, that guy doesn’t actually curse or ask for any sexual favors. It’s the words of daily life salted with a slight verbal hair pulling, just enough to see if you are paying attention or catch the joke. And that’s the point of a joke – to laugh together.

          So go on. Pull a little hair. 🙂

      2. 4.2.2


        I have learned to be cautious with men I flirt with. I think in the past I was a lot more open and innocent about flirting, and it led to some uncomfortable situations, like the one with the married director at the law firm which I have spoken about on this blog. I’m sure it was my general enjoyment of flirting which added fuel to that fire.

        I’ve also had situations before where I was single, thought a man was interesting but didn’t know if I was actually  interested, and flirted with him just for fun, but he took it as interest and asked me out. I can’t really blame them in situations like this, but where I find it gets tricky is that in the early dating stages, I am still making up my mind about them, but still being warm and flirtatious, while he is getting more emotionally invested.

        I definitely try  not  to flirt with guys I am not actually interested in because it can get awkward. I think it’s something which is valuable to be able to turn on and off at will. However, like Evan said, it is largely a personality trait and so a part of who I am so I can’t be a completely different person just because someone might get the wrong idea. I just really do my best to be friendly, but not too flirtatious, with guys who are out of bounds or who I’m not interested in.

        “With people I am, I clam up.”

        To successfully flirt with people you are interested in, you have to take them off that pedestal you’ve put them on. This is where my tip about teasing them really comes into its own. If you can find something which you can gently and kindly tease them about, this is a great equaliser. No one really likes to feel that you think they are far above you, and the fact is, they’re not above you. To flirt successfully, you have to be on a level playing field.

        How you do you convey you’re not serious?  

        People see what they want to see, in my experience. If I really don’t want someone to think I’m interested in them, I’ll try not to flirt with them. Another good way to make it seem not like interest is just to treat everyone in the group the same if you are only being friendly. Talk to everyone equally. If you make a joke, share it with the group (you’ll notice above that I said that a joke which is only between two people is sexy and considered flirting… but when everything is part of a group discussion, there’s no chance for a bond to form.)

        1. Emily, to

          Hi Clare,

          However, like Evan said, it is largely a personality trait and so a part of who I am so I can’t be a completely different person just because someone might get the wrong idea. I just really do my best to be friendly, but not too flirtatious, with guys who are out of bounds or who I’m not interested in.

          I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being open and warm and friendly and jokey, but there’s a tone shirt and a shift of energy when it moves into being flirtatious (or else it gets very sexual and very touchy feely). I just don’t trust a man who flirts with almost everyone. It comes off as an insatiable need for attention.

  5. 5

    Interestingly, when I re-read this post I realized that I couldn’t tell if the poster actually wanted to see these men again, either! Meaning, there’s nothing there about the positive attributes of these men, or how much fun she had on the date. There’s especially no direct statement of “I felt X”, “I want Y”. It sounds like she either doesn’t know her own mind, or she is letting what the man wants be the determining factor. No wonder men are having trouble coming to a conclusion since there’s so little data on which to base a conclusion.

    Maybe the poster can keep it simple by making sure to end every date with what she wants and feels.

  6. 6

    In my experience, flirting does not matter. Whoever likes you will like you whether you flirt or not, whoever doesn’t, won’t. I treat all dates the same – smile, laugh, look at them while we’re talking but don’t stare, thank them for the enjoyable evening even if it wasn’t that great, and that’s it.

    How can they tell I’m interested? Well, for one thing, I answered their email. For another, I said yes when they asked me out. For a third thing, if they ask me out again and I still like them, I continue to say yes to dates.

    It really isn’t that complicated to me. If a guy likes me he’ll pursue me, if not, he won’t. I don’t really need any other “signs” so I assume it’s the same for men. Besides, if you make it too easy, many times they lose interest in the chase. No need to help them that much.

    1. 6.1
      Yet Another Guy


      How can they tell I’m interested? Well, for one thing, I answered their email. For another, I said yes when they asked me out. For a third thing, if they ask me out again and I still like them, I continue to say yes to dates.

      How is that approach working for you?   I for one would not feel compelled to ask you on a second date.   You displayed no overt indicators of interest in being more than friends.   What you did is what every woman with manners does with a man, even if she does not desire a second date.

      Besides, if you make it too easy, many times they lose interest in the chase. No need to help them that much.

      That is a messed up way to think.   Guys who are into the chase are into the chase, not you.   They are usually gone after they bed you because they see you as little more than a conquest.   A guy who is truly into you will be truly into you no matter how easy you make it for him because every guy desires a woman who is easy for him, but difficult for other men.   The only reason to make things difficult is to sort the men who are truly interested from those who are just interested in sex.

      1. 6.1.1


        This response is spot on. I don’t sleep around, but almost every boyfriend I had I slept with on the first date, the shortest of those relationships being 18 months. I’ve never been burned. When two people genuinely like each other there are no rules.


      2. 6.1.2

        It works very well, actually! I’ve been on lots of first dates and only a had a handful of guys not ask me out again. Usually, I’ve been the one turning them down for a second meeting.

        As for guys leaving after they’ve bedded me, that’s not going to be the case – I’m waiting for marriage before I have sex. If they do drop off cuz they’re not getting any, well, so long buddy!

        And thanks for the input in that last part but I gotta say, I think you THINK you’d love it if girls blatantly show and/or tell you they’re interested, but that’s not human nature and it’s certainly not male nature. Men love a challenge and if a guy likes my look, digs my vibe and wants to see me, I still don’t have to do anything more than what I’ve already stated.

        I’ve also had guys I was absolutely not interested in pursue me relentlessly, to the point where I had to really be a witch to them to get them to leave me alone!

        Trust me, I didn’t want to be that way but as I said, guys who are nuts about women often look for any little sign that she’s interested. So no, there’s no need to know any special flirting techniques or anything else that women’s rags love to spew.

        Men show their interest best by pursuing, planning and paying for dates and women show theirs best by accepting, looking great, and being feminine and fun to be around.



        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Actually, studies show that women prefer men who are aloof and unpredictable (will he call? Will he text?) Men like women who are interested in them. Not chasing. Not needy. Interested and demonstrating it.

        2. shaukat

          Men love a challenge and if a guy likes my look, digs my vibe and wants to see me, I still don’t have to do anything more than what I’ve already stated.

          No, men don’t like a ‘challenge,’ especially since men are already pursuing. Most men with a shred of dignity would not tolerate disinterest. Funny that a thirty-something virgin thinks she’s an expert on male behavior just because a of thirsty guys asked you on a second date.

        3. shaukat

          Besides, it’s the guy who has to prove himself to me, not the other way around.

          Also, you sound entitled as hell, I can’t imagine who these guys are.

        4. Marika

          Hey Shaukat

          I think even advice as straightforward and logical as Evan’s can take time to click. It certainly has for me. You read some book about guys from a well meaning friend, get advice from your sister, your bestie. Have various dating experiences…try different tricks and strategies you read from someone on FB or heard from someone who swore it worked for them. Play it cool. Be the first to hang up. Be busy. Be mysterious. Blah blah

          When all along, ‘all’ we had to do was be warm, fun, playful, kind, consistent and expect the same from our dates. And rinse, repeat until it works out with someone (I say ‘all’ as it gets hard to keep it up and keep being optimistic sometimes). I think we forget the opposite sex are human beings. Who want love and care and reassurance. Just like us.

          Jenn is right though that some guys will pursue no matter what. Even harder if you’re very ‘meh’ or even overtly disinterested. I recently re-downloaded Whatsapp and three guys I haven’t spoken in maybe 2 years and who things definitely weren’t going anywhere after a couple of dates (and two who I specifically told I wasn’t interested in, kindly but firmly, the other just never had time to devote properly to dating) popped back up and have messaged me multiple times since. Even though I no longer respond.

          That kind of thing happens. But not all guys by any stretch and probably it’s not even a guy thing. There are no doubt women text stalkers too. It’s probably more to do with their social skills than anything else.

        5. Jeremy

          The thing is, Marika, those guys are not generally the guys who will make good long-term partners.   If a guy likes the chase, how well will he like it when it’s over?   If a guy likes a challenge, what will happen when no challenge remains?   It behooves people to consider this when considering the motivations of the opposite gender….and also their own motivations.

        6. Yet Another Guy


          If a guy likes the chase, how well will he like it when it’s over?   If a guy likes a challenge, what will happen when no challenge remains?

          Bingo!   Guys who like to chase usually do it for the thrill of the chase.   I did it a lot when I was younger.   It is an ego trip to be able to conquer a woman who is difficult to obtain.   However, the problem with that approach to dating is that rush subsides after a woman has been conquered, so a guy needs to move on to his next conquest to maintain the high.

          I am curious to know if Jenn is letting these men know that she is saving it until marriage.   A lot of men have never been with a virgin; therefore, the thought of being a woman’s first can be a powerful motivator (a low partner count can also be a powerful motivator).   When a guy has been with a woman who has been around, he knows that he probably is not going to be her worse, but the probability that he will be her best is inversely proportional to her partner count.     Whether he will admit or not, the average guy wants to be a woman’s best when he is interested in more than a roll in the hay.   If that were not true, performance anxiety would not exist.     Performance anxiety is caused by the fear of not measuring up, which results in a flood of stress hormones that counteract the vasodilation process.   The lower a woman’s partner count, the lower the probability of performance anxiety.

        7. Jenn


          You’re more hung up on my virginity than I am, it seems.

          I also did not state that I’m an expert anywhere at any time, I just know what works for me and hundreds of other women I’ve spoken to through the years. Women have to guard our hearts much more in the beginning because we are so much more easily emotionally invested than men. That means that any guy I date does need to step up his game if he really wants to be with me.

          Does it bother you that I have high standards for men?

        8. Evan Marc Katz

          Jenn, you’re missing the valid constructive feedback. The entire existence of this site is a testament to why women need to be more selective with men and judge men on their effort and follow through. My most famous advice is “Do nothing.” But that’s a bit overly simplistic. You are merely being encouraged to be more vocal and effusive in your enthusiasm for him, as opposed to thinking you’re showing interest by simply showing up. Everything else in this conversation is a distraction from that primary point.

        9. Marika

          Hi Jenn

          I guess it depends who the women are who you speak to about this and about men. Thinking about it, my happily married friends rarely talk about men or how they approached dating. And don’t give advice very often. The women who do talk about these topics at length, in my social circle anyway, seem to be more the ones trying to figure it out themselves.

          I recall how Jeremy said his first date with his wife (who sounds like she has strong values) ended. She said something like “we had a good conversation, you should call me again sometime” [am paraphrasing]. I’ve never forgotten that. I think something like that is probably a good way for a non-flirty woman to signal interest to a kind, non-pushy, relationship-oriented man.

          I do agree that if you want to wait until marriage, being touchy and in any way sexual on dates will likely send the wrong message.

        10. Em

          @YAF “I am curious to know if Jenn is letting these men know that she is saving it until marriage.”

          When is a good time to let the man know?

        11. Jenn


          Letting a guy know you’re waiting isn’t an easy task. I’ve made the mistake, when I really like a guy, of blurting out that I’m a virgin when we’d barely been out together three times.

          I do not recommend doing that as it  can go one of three ways: first, there’s the shock of a guy meeting a woman who’s managed to hold on to her v-card throughout her entire adult life (a rarity for sure). Then, there is the reality that he may bolt after hearing about your virginity, for two reasons: one, he may not like you enough to be your first, and he knows sex with you will likely be a much bigger deal than he was banking on. He might also figure that it’ll take a much longer time to get you in the sack and bolt because he doesn’t want to wait. In those cases, it’d be a blessing if he did leave! There’s also another possibility- that he’s so intrigued with the challenge of bedding an older virgin that he’ll stick around as long as he can to try to get you to have sex with him and then he’ll leave once he’s gotten what he wants.

          Because being a virgin who’s waiting for marriage is a bigger deal at this age (at least to the guys you date), I don’t tell guys about it. At least not until it’s certain we’re really feeling something for each other. And even then, I’d wait to talk about it until he brings it up. The reason is because guys don’t all work on the same sexual timetable. You don’t want to use virginity as a way to try to fend off what could be a great guy either.

          There’s a temptation to keep all guys at arms length by telling them early on, but that’s cheating both them and you out of the chance at finding out if you really can find love with each other. The right one will wait and maybe he’ll even be excited to find someone who’s been waiting for him.

        12. Gallilee

          ‘Men love a challenge’
          They really don’t.
          Men like women who are nice to them.
          If you limit yourself to men who go on pursuing without positive feedback, it seems you’re limiting yourself to quite unpleasant guys.

    2. 6.2

      Evan, I like Jenn’s response…do you have a counter to this specifically?

      1. 6.2.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Yep, but I’m not gonna spend too much time on it. YAG did a pretty good job stating what’s obvious.

        Put two identical twins together and have one act like Jenn and the other act more overtly warm, flirtatious and interested and 100% of the men will go to Jenn’s twin sister.

        Jenn’s belief that all she has to do is show up and the guy will automatically know she’s interested is exactly why I remain employed after fifteen years.

        1. Jenn

          Whatever, Evan. I didn’t say that showing up is ALL a woman has to do. I said I smile, laugh, act pleasant and also appreciative. I also dress attractively and act feminine. If a guy is nuts about a woman he will not care that she’s not being “flirty”.

          I don’t need to constantly flip my hair, bat my eyelashes, touch his hand, rub his leg, or do any of the crap that women’s rags love to push. Frankly, I’ve never done that stuff and I have almost always been invited on a second date. Guys like a little mystery a lot more than someone who makes her interest obvious.

          Besides, it’s the guy who has to prove himself to me, not the other way around. I think that’s a much healthier way of behaving than acting like a pick-me chick, draping myself all over a guy.

          Being a bit of a challenge usually makes them want me more. And they treat me better for it.

      2. 6.2.2

        You don’t have to see such extreme polar opposites. There’s a lot of space between throwing yourself at someone and just assuming you don’t have to give anything at all. And this view you have of men loving a challenge and ‘mystery’ etc…i think Evan is being really polite in telling you this, but you need to re-think that.

  7. 7
    Emily, to

    But another part of me remembers reading  your Why He Disappeared e-book  and doesn’t want to be too eager and drive him away.

    A woman’s idea of too eager can sometimes be a man’s idea of coolly polite.

  8. 8
    Mrs Happy

    The OP asked, “Any quick first date tips for those of us who aren’t natural flirts?”

    Can you utilise either Airtasker (or the equivalent where you live) for the learn-to-flirt job, or search for a flirting/social skills school and attend lessons, or ask a friend who is talented at flirting to give you instruction?   I’m serious.   Flirting is a useful skill to learn, will really increase your dating pool, and like any skill, if you have a good teacher and do practises with feedback, you’ll get better.

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