I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?

Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. –Maya

Aw, Jesus, Maya.

You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.

“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?

I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.

You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

“A certain type of face seems attractive”?

I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.

Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…

“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”

So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.

Got it.

My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.

Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.

This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.

Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.

And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Ding Dong

    Get a divorce asap and get on with your lives. “Attractive” can mean a million things to a million people. It IS in the eye of the beholder. But how you could have married someone you didn’t find attractive, is totally bizarre. I was engaged to someone many years ago and one day I looked at him and thought “what the hell am I doing?” And I broke it off. It wasn’t fair to him – or me. It was one of those lightbulb moments when I nearly “settled”…… it was a rebound relationship and was nearly a big disastrous divorce too! Get out get out get and and make damn sure you commit to someone – if there is a next time – for all the right reasons. BTW I did not end up marrying anyone, I am still single, but I do NOT regret giving up that relationship because I knew it was the “right” thing to do in the long run. Great guy but just not for me, I just felt repulsed every time we had sex by the end.

  2. 92
    MB

    I will never understand people that know they don’t find somebody attractive, yet date or marry them anyway.

    The husband deserves a woman who will appreciate him for who he is. No one wants to be viewed as a person who is being “settled” for.  No one wants to be second choice, not good enough.  Although looks ARE important in relationships, it seems that many people place way too much emphasis on appearance above character.

    I was 23 when I met my husband.  I was a cute girl with a nice little hourglass shape.  But in today’s society, that isn’t good enough.  My husband seems to prefer women that fit the stereotypical cookie-cutter type of beauty…white, long blonde or brown hair, narrow hips, fake boobs, very generic faces.   I am a mixed (black and white) woman with curly dark hair and curvy hips and exotic features.  So initially, while he liked my personality, my looks weren’t his ideal.

    Sometimes it bums me out and sometimes it hurts to know that he doesn’t see me in the way that he sees, for instance, somebody like Charlotte McKinney or Katherine Webb.   But he does value me as a person (as he should!) and we make one another laugh and we have a pretty good marriage otherwise.   Would I change anything about his looks?   Not at all.  But sometimes I feel that he wishes I looked different.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that when choosing a partner, the kindest thing you can do is pass on somebody you aren’t attracted to, rather than having a relationship with that person.  It is dishonest to be with somebody if you feel that you can do “better”.    That person deserves a relationship with somebody who IS attracted to them and you should be with somebody you like looking at if appearances are so important to you.

    Sometimes we miss out on the chance to connect with wonderful people (whether for friendships or romance) because we can’t look beyond the surface.   As human beings, we are all “shallow” in our own ways to some extent…but at some point you should mature and not allow your preferences to be dictated by what society says or what your social circle finds attractive.

     

     

     

     

     

  3. 93
    Ben

    No wonder the divorce rate is so very high nowadays.

  4. 94
    Kelly

    Ok so this sounds horrible and people
    Will hate me for it. Thr way i see it though is, dont judge me unless youve walked in my shoes. I spent a year homeless on the street. Actually sleeping outside carrying all of my belongings with me. I had lost everything little by little my car my apartment, my clothes, my professional hair color finally grew out, so in many ways i had lost my looks. Thank God i had not lost them conpletely though bc what ended up getting me off the street were a few different men with whom i am not only not attracted to physically but i dont even like talking or being around them. I love how the one comment says “cringe fest” when sleeping with a guy bc i have totally been there. What shocks me though is that i was with these men out of desperation and i was getting something out of it. It shocks me that women will be with a man that they feel no sexual or physical attraction to but they arent even getting any sort of benefit to it it seems to me like being a gluton for self punishment.
    Now, what i didnt mention is that i hsve a real boyfriend who i loge ans cherish, he doesnt know ive been with these other men. He is fum and exciting and gorgeous and its amazing to me how sex with him and even just his touch or kisses are so amazong anf i crave them and want them but that these other men could do the same thing and i cringe. Sex with a man you arw repulsed by or just not attracted to i think is the worst thing in the World. I look at it like a job. It sucks but you do it as a means to an end. So, it blows my mind that these women are doing it for no good reason. I just dont get it.
    I would love to be in a financial situation that i could just never talk to these guys again and live happily ecer after with my boyfriend. If you had that type of financial independce why not just hold out for a guy who has qualitiea emtionally, physically and everything else that you actually are attracted to. I mean im seriously not judging im just wondering.

  5. 95
    Truth

    Then again, you should have never married in the first place to begin with.

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