Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.

Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.
Hi Evan,

I’ve been online dating for a while now, and I’ve started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He claimed that he didn’t want to date other people but he was hurt several times in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn’t want me to go thru the hurt again. For my part, I realize I’m at fault for waiting three months before asking for some type of commitment.

Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a “casual relationship” as opposite to my listing of wanting a “serious relationship”. So now I’m back on the online dating scene and I’m paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for “friends” only, one guy even put that he’s too busy for a relationship right now.

Is this a case of semantics? Are these guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are really just looking for friends, why don’t they go on a free site like MySpace, Facebook, or Friendster? If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?

Thanks for your insight,

Laura

Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

Men very often don’t know what they want.

Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it’s true. Most men can tell a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It’s not that he DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late. That’s why half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-”, “He says he loves me, but-”, “We had an amazing date, but-”. One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment. Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU. Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

And so we go back to Laura’s insightful question – what does it all MEAN?

Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).

So let’s say I’m serious about falling in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of questions that I’d like you to consider:

  • 1) Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?
  • 2) If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?
  • 3) How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?
  • 4) Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?

These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

That’s right. We can’t. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

You may feel that: “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth.”

Men look for sex and find love women look for love and find sexSorry. We’ve got a different truth.

The truth is that we’re attracted to you in this moment.

The truth is that we’re not sure if we want a relationship with you.

The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.

So we say nothing. And hope that you don’t get too attached.

Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.

So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the “adult” personals, it doesn’t actually work for MEN.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happened to me.

So if you’re done spinning your wheels on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men, click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Peter

    One thing to know about men, is that we love the thrill of the hunt. And if women are being honest, they loved to be chased.

    So understanding that, know that men’s first prize is to have sex (I’m sure some guy out there will say “no”, but trust me, this applies to the other 99.9%). Once we’ve achieved that, you have to give us another hunt to go after. If you immediately go into relationship mode right after our first sexual encounter, we will have a tendency to lose interest. Why? Because there is nothing left to chase after.

    If however, after having sex with us, you pull away some, you’ll be surprised how hard we will try to earn your adoration. That’s something we want just as much as sex.

    Is it a game? Sure. But human attraction goes far beyond rational thinking and logic. You have to excite the animal within as well.

    1. 1.1
      vexxed

      True to a point. The thrill of the hunt is all part of the passion and equation, but what matters at the end of the day, regardless of pursuit methods or the games employed, is chemistry and connection. You can one, both or neither.

      The best case scenario for both men and women, are when both are present in any relationship.  If either of these are lacking, so then too, will any future relationship. Period. 

      Over-analyzing things  is what gets people caught in the whole relationship web. it isn’t rocket-science for either sex. Find chemistry, find a connection and enjoy.   

  2. 2
    Robin

    Evan,
    Your answer to “Men Look for Sex and find Love” is disheartening at best for all us ladies out there trying to find love and just being ourselves.

    So, if this is the REAL truth, then there is only one question for us: “How do we stop being women?” Most women I know develop feelings, they get attached, (even if the guy is a total jerk). I think it’s part of our DNA. The only way that poor Lauren and lots of others are going to avoid this tragic scenario is to stop being women and become like men (emotionally I mean). If we keep being sweet and loving, we continually get hurt. Men wonder why some women are so cold and calculating? Take a wild guess. Thanks for your column. I am a big fan.

    1. 2.1
      Jewel

      Robin~ Read the book, “Why Men Love Bitches” It’s my personal relationship bible! ;)

    2. 2.2
      zouhair

      They can just be hard to get , not get physical easily, and they will never have to become men, a man who really want you and want a honest relationship with you will understand and take things slowly.   
      My Source: Im A Man. 

      1. 2.2.1
        Tristan

        This is what annoys me about the heterosexual power dynamic. That it is expected that women should get what they want and men should give it to them, because they are obviously the more deserving gender.

        Women can go without sex for years if they choose. No man would ever choose that, unless they were religious or castrated. Why do women assume that sex is an act of commitment? For me, commitment is huge. I would only do it with someone that I felt very comfortable with, sexually, emotionally and spiritually. So how do you do that without %^$ing someone first?? 

    3. 2.3
      Libragirl72

      Online dating for me at most has been a disaster. Confusing. And, left me wondering if I saw or heard something that wasn’t even there. As my last online dating 3 month relationship came to a disappearing act recently,  I was given an assortment of excuses.  “I’m not ready for a relationship,  my divorce, my disfunctional childhood, we fight too much, it’s not you it’s US together…all of this after messages in the beginning “it’s me an you against the world.” “I am so lucky to have you.” When I asked him about this (when he would reply to my messages that is) his answer seemed innocent and harmless to himself, but just about killed me…”my feelings changed”. “I’m not in love with you.”
      Jerk. :/

      1. 2.3.1
        Libragirl72

        Does this behavior of men explain why most will always come back?? Not saying yes/no on taking them back,  but if their feelings are so fickle maybe this is why they re-appear again in the future.

  3. 3
    Zann

    I just read Peter’s comment (#1) above. Sure, he may not speak for all men, but I’ll bet he’s pretty damn close. And while I find that kind of honesty refreshing, all I can say is ……Wow. Admit it dudes, you are some pretty strange beings.

  4. 4
    xpuff

    Yeah, reading this is pretty damn depressing from a women’s point of view. What are we supposed to do? Guys will tell us what they think we want to hear because they “mean it at the time.” Great. So how to tell who’s a good guy?

    I realize that is just reality, but seriously, men just get everything they want and women just have to wait to get lucky?

  5. 5
    Honey

    I was the BF’s first date after he got out of a 4-year relationship, and he was moving 120 miles away within a week. I e-mailed him on myspace and he went out with me purely because 1) I seemed attractive and interesting, 2) he needed some practice before moving to a new city and REALLY dating.

    We had sex that first night and are still together 2.5 years later, living together and trying to save up for engagement and a wedding.

    So anything can happen at any time…Evan’s right I think, that most people if they found something that would work perfectly for them long-term will turn the interaction into a LTR even if they SAID that’s not what they were looking for. Similarly, even someone who explicitly states they are looking for a LTR will turn things into a booty call, friendship, or nothing at all if the situation warrants it. It’s less about what someone says they are looking for (though you do get some extremes where people absolutely won’t consider anything but a booty call or a serious relationship) and more about how the two of you mesh.

    And because I thought this was a little disturbing, I wanted to say–I think 3 months is EXACTLY about when you can expect to find out if a relationship’s heading in a serious direction or not. 3 months is about when we had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk (though we were exclusive before that because we wanted to have sex but didn’t want to use condoms) and about the time he moved back to my city.

    Hooray!

    1. 5.1
      Jenn

      Uh, you should use condoms any time you have sex, are you nuts? Unless you’re married, please do not think that birth control is enough to stop unwanted pregnancies. It’s not 100% effective by any means, so be smart and if you’re going to have sex outside of marriage, use every bit of prevention available.

      1. 5.1.1
        ScottH

        UhI (and most men) hate condoms.  They take away the sensation and really, are putting a barrier between the two of us that ruins the intimacy (obviously, they are barriers).  Go on the pill.  Get a vasectomy if he’s done having kids, use an IUD.  There are options.  I respect using condoms until we get to know each other and get tested and get reliable protection in place, but beyond that, you have emotional problems.  And the only thing worse than using condoms is the woman getting upset because the man couldn’t finish with a condom (because he couldn’t feel anything).
        SH

  6. 6
    JuJu

    Yeah, it’s like we are from different planets in this regard.

    I remember talking to a guy friend who said that what he likes best in a woman is if she is not particularly interested in him. And I was like, “wha…?” If I am attracted to a guy, obviously I want him to be interested, I want him to be as interested as he is capable of!

    Go figure. =)

    1. 6.1
      Mark

      This is called ‘wouldn’t belong to a club which would have me as a member’ syndrome, otherwise known as Low Self-Esteem.  Avoid people (men and women) with this problem. They will never be happy with themselves (except after extensive therapy), and consequently will never be happy with you (at least not for long). 

      1. 6.1.1
        Tom10

         
        @ JuJu #6
        “I remember talking to a guy friend who said that what he likes best in a woman is if she is not particularly interested in him”
         
        @ Mark #6
        “This is called ‘wouldn’t belong to a club which would have me as a member’ syndrome, otherwise known as Low Self-Esteem”
         
        I don’t agree that people who are only attracted to people who reciprocate ambivalence necessarily have low self-esteem; rather that they are maximizers (people who want to make the best possible choice).
         
        We are often repulsed by people who act too keenly, as such behavior implies that they view us as being of much higher-value than those they would normally meet (leading us to sub-consciously infer that surely we could do better). Conversely, when someone acts uninterested towards us, we sometimes infer that such behavior implies that they view themselves as being of higher value than us. As maximizers want to get the best possible; they will be attracted to those whose behavior indicates that they are of higher value.
         
        I do agree, however, that maximizers struggle to be happy in relationships as they are always thinking of greener grass. As you say they need to acknowledge this part of their personality and work on it before entering a relationship (I say that being an entrenched maximizer myself).

      2. 6.1.2
        Jas

        Well said, Mark. Also known as ‘I am yet…too immature or too screwed up (or BOTH), to have or enjoy a committed relationship.’ 

  7. 7
    Selena

    I dated a guy once who told me on our first date he was the kind of man who usually dated more than one woman at a time, how did I feel about that?

    I considered it. At that moment I wasn’t particularly looking for something serious. In fact in the year before I met him, I hadn’t been “looking” for anything at all. I told him I’d give it a try. I warned him if I started falling in love with him I’d want to renogotiate. I also told him that I would either fall in love with him within 3 months or I wouldn’t at all. On that note of complete honesty, we began a casual dating relationship.

    It lasted 2.5 months and it was fine for what it was. I enjoyed his company, but I never did fall in love with him and after a time I decided I wanted more in the way of a relationship…just not with him. I ended it and it was the most painless breakup I’ve ever had. He told me he understood, but could we still keep seeing each other until I fell in love with someone else. I had to laugh. I also said “no”.

    His honesty was so refreshing. And it is something I’ve carried with me since. When another relationship opportunity presented itself later in the year I put the exclusivity card on the table up front. I had decided I didn’t want to sleep with someone who was also playing the field, I was looking for something that might become more than casual. And I got it. No hemming and hawing around about it. I wish all men could be so forthright.

    I get it that men don’t want to be honest for fear of missing out on sex. Unfortunately, that puts us women in the often uncomfortable position of stalling them longer than we would wish to. It becomes a fine line between waiting long enough that we have some confidence they won’t just bail after getting sex, and hoping they won’t bail before because they get tired of waiting and write us off as frigid. It’s a wonder that people are actually able to form significant relationships at all given the subtrafuge.

    1. 7.1
      stoney

      If women had sex with a man because ” SHE ” wants to have sex then there would be no way for women to feel used or have a guy tell her what she wants to hear to get her to have sex with him.  Also the reality of relationships Is that 99% of all of them fail . Even half off the ones that succeed ” marriage ” fail.  It takes a lot of hard work and luck to find the person you grow old and die with.

    2. 7.2
      Jas

      OMG Selena. So true. And sad?
       

  8. 8
    Honey

    @xpuff, #4: what makes him a bad guy for being honest at the time? Why does the fact that it turns out to not be the case in perpetuity somehow make him a villain? It could be disappointing for you, yes, but I’m not sure that it says anything negative about his character.

  9. 9
    Karl R

    I agree with Evan, men don’t always know what they want. And even when they do, how they handle the (often contradictory) things they want doesn’t always make sense.

    I’ll use my own life as an example. I would like a long term, exclusive relationship. Lately I’ve been dating a couple women. I don’t intend to date either exclusively.

    I met one lady through dancing; I thought there was some long-term potential, but the age difference has turned out to be too much for me. I met the other lady when I sat near her at a restaurant. She’s a hot foreigner, but she doesn’t seem sufficiently interested in me. It’s possible that she’s just playing hard to get, but unlike Peter (#1), I don’t pursue women unless they’re interested in me.

    To complicate things further, I don’t have sex with a woman unless we’re exclusive. So even though I’d really like to have sex with either one of these ladies, I won’t.

    So why do I continue to go out with both of these ladies? Because sometimes I like to spend an evening with an attractive lady. Because I like to spend time with women who are cute and fun. And because it usually doesn’t interfere with my normal activities … where I meet other attractive, single women who might be long term relationship material.

    Basically, I’m performing a balancing act between my desires and my standards, between my short term goals and my long term goals. And as Evan indicated, I spend a lot of my time living in the moment.

  10. 10
    Michelle

    Some guys fear intimacy and look for mother substitutes their whole life. The more the merrier! Sometimes guys look for that one woman who will show they value themselves enough say no they won’t settle for a non-exclusive relationship like all the others, and stick to it.

    But yes this has to be established up front or forget it! However, if they can get you to compromise on this issue, they tend to loose all respect, (you loose all the power), and they feel free to come and go and see and sleep with whomever whenever…no matter how attached you get. Because hey it’s not a real relationship to them is it?

  11. 11
    Charon

    I have to say that this article hit home. This is the exact issue that i deal with and some of my girlfriends deal with. I am starting to sort of get the whole mechanics of attraction and how men see things and how women see things. There is not guarantee in life about anything and it seems you have to pay to play. Selena particulary hit the nail on the head when she said there is basically that fine line where you straddle that I don’t want him to get frustrated and leave but I don’t want to give it all up the first night. Thanks for the article

    1. 11.1
      Jas

      I’m with you here. And with Selena. Thanks, you two.

  12. 12
    A-L

    I sort of understand this concept of men, though at the same time I think there are the guys that are very LTR/marriage-minded, perhaps because of their own desire to have kids or settle down by a certain age. I think many of these guys don’t necessarily hide their intentions when on an online dating site. That being said, however, I think Evan’s right about most guys.

    In terms of how girls should react, I don’t think it’s necessary to put your heart out there to be trampled on. Sex (well orgasms, however they’re produced) creates the incredibly bonding oxytocin which causes women to latch on to the guy. By abstaining until exclusivity then the woman is much better able to just hang out with the guy, enjoy his company, and see where things go without becoming totally neurotic about it.

    Also, if you find yourself obsessing about a guy, go out and date other guys. You won’t have the time to obsess about him as much (a little bit is inevitable, I admit it), it gives you more options, and it also helps the guy realize that you aren’t always going to be there at his beck and call.

    Recently, I was in a phase where there were three guys in the picture. One I agonized over mentally and had explosive chemistry with. Another I enjoyed his company and had some chemistry with, but was fine when we weren’t hanging out. And the third was uber-nice and had the same interests and sense of humor but little in the way of sparkage. But because I was seeing these different guys, I didn’t let any one tip me too far over the edge, because I was just enjoying myself and not feeling the need to pin anything down. Guys 1 and 3 are pretty much out of the romantic picture now, but things are going along rather swimmingly with guy #2. But if he’d been the only one in the picture from the get to, I may have obsessed about things too much and ruined it. At least now there’s the possibility of this turning into something more serious.

    1. 12.1
      NL

      A-L, your situation reminds me a lot of mine, except at one point I was dating two men who I was extremely attracted to. I wish from the get-go I had not put so much pressure on myself to stop dating both and choose one. The choosing was agonizing, but in hindsight it was self-induced. The first guy I went on a date with we had great conversational chemistry, and didn’t kiss til our second. After that things became increasingly more physical. I then met up with guy #2 “just as friends”, because I was so close-minded I thought dating two people would be not a bad plan. I ended up having conversational chemistry with this guy to, but no real sparks (it was early on, so okay). Long story short, I stressed over who should be the one I would continue to date. Guy #2 dipped out of the scene as he was not over his ex, and Guy #1 has kind of slowly dipped out of the scene as well. I’d like something to continue, but am not gonna stress on as we both live our lives; if it’s meant to be it will transpire.

      Evan, the “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t wan’t to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell the truth. ”

      rings true,

      except for the “I don’t want to get hurt part”. Only because I think that is a given for most humans of both sexes. Guys may disagree – and think when I ask for your honesty, I really want it diluted – but I’d much rather take being hurt early on then traveling down a path of false hope. Regarding spelling out intentions – I don’t think anyone I’m dating should have to spell it out or make what they’re looking for into a huge declaration, but if one party brings up the topic of exclusivity (or non-exclusivity) in a direct, but non-threatening way somewhat early on, the ideal thing is just be honest. I think people’s fear of hurting others gets in the way of truth. Only if you’re being outright deceptive does being hurt occur, in my opinion.

      1. 12.1.1
        NL

        Sorry, that was supposed to read as “thought dating two people would be a bad plan”, not “not a bad plan” in the first paragraph.

  13. 13
    hunter

    to Karl R on post 9,

    I agree with what you say. Most men are contradictory, because, I think, most of us, we don’t really know what we are doing.(lack of experience)hhmmhh…LOL!…yes….

    Most men don’t know, we can look for a long term relationship, get into a long term relationship, three or six months into it,(or sooner or later) change our minds,(for whatever reason) and get out of it, if that is what we want to do. “I can’t be the man you want me to be.” “I am going back to my old girlfriend.”

    Your two friendships won’t get complicated, until, you have sex with them.

  14. 14
    Kenley

    I really wanted to believe that most men were good guys who didn’t knowingly and willingly hurt women. Evan’s response was very sad to me because it suggests that men want sex first and foremost and they don’t care who they hurt to get it. In order to avoid getting hurt, women can’t trust not only what men say but what they do as well. However, I am having a difficult reconciling this post with the one where Evan says that we have to be generous and kind and accepting in order to find love. I don’t really understand how a woman can be generous and loving if at the same time, she can’t trust a man.

    Honey, you are very fortunate to have a great relationship with boyfriend, but you should realize that men who sleep with women on the first date rarely have any thing to do with them again. Like you, when I met my boyfriend of 17 years, we had sex on the first date. And he was pretty much devoted to me. When we broke up, I thought sleeping with a guy on the first date was a good thing. Boy was I wrong! I slept with a number of men on the first date — ones that I really liked and thought liked me — and I never made it to a second date with any of them! I was shocked, but I learned my lesson. So, my own personal experience plus the stuff I’ve read from other dating experts indicates that it is extremely rare that a long term relationship blossoms when a couple has sex on the first date. So, while I agree what ultimately determines what people will do is based on how they mesh, the odds aren’t in favor of people meshing when they sleep with each other on day one. You were one of the rare and lucky ones.

    1. 14.1
      stoney

      How could you really like someone or think he really likes you after 1 date ?   How many of the first nighters did you have sex with just because you wanted to have sex and you were sexually attracted to him ?   You should only have sex with someone because “YOU” want to have sex . 
      Men look for sex and find love because a love and relationships take allot longer to find than sex does . 
       

  15. 15
    Lynn

    What happened to integrity? What happened to communicating like a grown-up? What happened to any kind of accountability? Did all of this get thrown out the window when women achieved equal rights? Now it sounds like women can expect nothing from men and be happy if they get anything, even honesty. Maybe I am just having a bad week, Evan, but it seems like this post acknowledges the fact that men are wielding all the power out there over women, and if we want to play, it’s the luck of the draw.

    1. 15.1
      stoney

      Women have the same power men do . You have the power to decide when , why , and with who you have sex with . What you are and are not looking for in a potential relationship. 

      1. 15.1.1
        Sunisa Yupasee

        Ok i understandd

  16. 16
    mic

    If any men are “wielding all the power,” it’s the especially good-looking men. Less attractive men probably have less power than they used to.

    The key line in Laura’s letter:
    Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a casual relationship as opposite to my listing of wanting a serious relationship.
    Educated guess: she liked his picture(s).

  17. 17
    Jojo

    “The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.”
    Boo hoo if he gets no sex that night! So basically the guy has to be dishonest in order to get sex from a girl. Unfortunately, we cannot change the behavior of people, but I feel that we’re all adults and should be able to communicate honestly with each other. I know the guys speak and act out of the moment and you have to take what they say with a grain of salt sometimes. However, when it comes down to the act of sex, there really should not be game playing.

  18. 18
    hunter

    to Mic on post #16

    How true!…yet, we can still enjoy the feminine graces of women in other categories.

  19. 19
    hunter

    to Jojo on post #17

    Most nice guys are honest communicators, I don’t think they earn time in the “sack”, that is why they are called “nice” guys.

  20. 20
    xpuff

    Honey, I guess what I meant by “good” guy is “good for me”, not good in an absolute-morality-of-the-universe way. I understand guys wanting the things that they want at the time, I’ve been there myself. However when I was dating, it was extremely frustrating to encounter this sort of behavior. The guys weren’t bad guys necessarily, just not good for me.

  21. 21
    JuJu

    re: Lynn’s post #15

    I don’t think I agree with this. What kind of power are you implying?

    A woman can take as much “power” back as she wants (that is, if we are choosing to think in terms of power, which I personally really do not) by being self-aware enough to recognize that this feeling of immediate attachment is not real, but hormonal, and by loving herself enough to continue living an active life.

  22. 22
    Lili

    Why would I want to have sex with a man whom I don’t trust?

    No trust = no orgasm, even if man is otherwise sexually interesting.

    I don’t see the point of pleasing a man, unless I get what I desire. I am so selfish that I want to get it too.

    And real trust won’t come only from attraction, it only comes when you know him well enough to know what his inner world is like. If he is trustworthy, and interested, he will also understand my point on the matter. So what am I losing when I’m not having sex with a total stranger? (after 2 weeks he is still that)
    Absolutely nothing, and only weeding out those ones that a relationship wouldn’t work with anyway.

    Nice to know that my method works, I wouldn’t want to have a sleeze anyway for my partner (a man who has sex under false pretences = is willing to hurt other one to get his own kicks, is a sleeze, not worth interest anyway).

  23. 23
    Anisa

    Where is the respect, where is the integrity.
    There are many women who have no problem having sex with men without committment or without being exclusive. So those man (without serious intentions, looking for easy sex) can make more efforts to meet those women. Many women want to be exclusive before having sex. It is very simple: be honest about your intentions and respect the principles of those women. So, Evan: Yes, if a man lies in order to achieve “easy” sex it makes him a bad person in my opinion. A lazy abuzer abuser.
    I think men (looking for easy sex) are in fact looking/hunting exactly for those women of principle who had not that many sexpartners yet to have sex with without commitment.

  24. 24
    hunter

    to Anisa on post #23

    “There are many women who have no problem”……..usually the married women that need to be financially rescued(and who wants one of those?) or if they are single, in a much smaller pool of availability….if things were as you say, we wouldn’t hear herds of single men howling in the streets at 2:00a.m., on weekends, after the bars close…..hhhmmmhh..LOL!…..

  25. 25
    MILENA

    Based on Evan’s post I would just simply say” ALL man are dogs”

  26. 26
    Anisa

    to Hunter
    “who wants one of those…” (post #24)

    There are different categories of men looking for easy sex.
    The men your are talking about are those who don’t have the time or the energy or are too frustrated to play the hunting-game….or they lack the looks to catch an attractive woman through their own efforts, or they have problems with paying for sex, or the reason is anonimity etc. etc. Prostitutes are their only or their best option. The others will preferably chase after the so called hard to get women.
    Thanks for supporting my proposition.

  27. 27
    Anisa

    correction on # 25: the ones who have problems with paying for sex are avoiding the prostitutes. They belong to the other category.

  28. 28
    Lance

    I watched a youtube video on the same morning I read this post relating to tantra, and the speaker (female) said that men look for sex first and find love, women look for love first and get sex, and thus we have the battle of the sexes. Weird coincidence. I firmly believe it, though. Men are wired for the physical and physical intimacy first, emotional intimacy second, and we’re wishy washy on early commitment. I’m okay with that as long as we find common ground.

    I have frequently said in my dating profiles that I’m looking for casual dating and an LTR, depending on if the right gal came along, and it’s true. If you’re LTR material, I’ll go down that road. Otherwise, it’s sex only!!!

  29. 29
    Hot Alpha Female

    I agree with a lot of the comments here.

    If you are a woman who needs commitment before sex, then be upfront with your date first.

    Dont sleep with him and then try and tell him that you don’t want to do it anymore until he commits, thats like blackmail.

    A similar quote that comes to mind that is related to this topic goes along the lines

    “Men trade commitment for sex. Women trade sex for commitment”

    Happens all the time. Now that’s not to say that all men just want sex and all women just want commitment.

    But these are the bargaining chips for negotiation.

    Hot Alpha Female

  30. 30
    Bob S

    I agree with Evan on this one. I’d like a long term relationship on most days, but other days I like being able to date whomever I feel like spending time with at the moment.

    As to sex, I’d prefer it to be with someone I really like and with whom I’m enjoying a monogamous relationship. That being said, I’ve done it on the first date one time, and not at all with others even after dating them on and off for 3 or 4 months. If I like you and we don’t have sex after several dates, I will still like you but will date you a lot less often.

    If I like you and we do have sex, I am likely to bond to you. If I like you a lot, we’ll almost certainly be exclusive for as long as the relationship lasts.

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