When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?
In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11″ report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?

Chill. You’re the exception. Here’s the rule:

“Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication.”

“Sexclusivity”: don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.

You mean fucking an attractive stranger you’ve known for 3 hours and hoping that you’re compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?

“There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes,” says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

This isn’t just conservative Mormon B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality. He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He’ll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:

Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compell us to stay in relationships that we know aren’t built to last, the study suggests.

Finally, “women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships,” says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.

The word I’ve coined for this is “sexclusivity”. Don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it’ll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment – as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.

Read the article here and please, share your thoughts below.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Selena

    “sexclusivity” I like it.  :)

  2. 2
    Jenna

    Let me just say that I hardly know anybody who waited more than a few weeks or dates with their long term partner before sex. With the right guy it’s not all that important. The problem as I see it is that you don’t know who the right guy is that quickly. If you always sleep with someone on the second or third date and they end up being your bf, then great, no problem. Otherwise, I have found it more romantic to wait a little for sex, 4-6 weeks. If you’re serious about marriage you also can’t risk getting prematurely attached to the wrong guy.
    At the same time I’m young, pretty and social and simply not willing to live like a nun for a bf that may or may not come along. So I’ve started a rule that in more formal situations like online dating then yes, no sex unless we’re bf/gf. In more fluid real life interactions, I am additionally forbidden from sleeping with people who upfront say it’s only casual, hence why I recently turned down a few tempting fwb opportunities. I want to be freed up to find the guy for me, honestly. If a chance to sleep with someone comes along that feels right to me I wil grab it, though, but I was never one of those girls who jumped into bed the same night anyway or thought sex was going to become something more….

  3. 3
    Dagaz

    um… i always was curious how this rule applies to long distance relationships?…
    given that you don’t often see the man/woman, sometimes for months? if physically they met couple times, but being apart for 3 moths, let’s say – does this time(3 month) “counts” toward the proclaimed waiting time?
    or, even better, if they can see each other quite rarely – in this case would be logical to use any moment of “real life” meeting definetely not for verbal communication only?…

  4. 4
    Rose

    I don’t want causal sex and to feel objectified, so waiting a month would hardly feel right or long enough for me. I don’t want my body used as a vessel or receptacle for someone to relieve their hormones or stress. YUCK!
    I want to know the man before deciding if I want to know his manhood. How on earth does anyone know someone after a month?
    I only want to share my body and my love to be made love to as an expression of that persons love for me and mine for them.
    Reality is for most women casual sex is a fast way to get hormonally attached and addicted to the wrong man and a broken heat if what you want is to be in a loving committed relationship.
    If that is what others want to do is up to them and to decide iif it right for them just not right for me or what I want.
     

  5. 5
    John

    Jenna #2
    “Otherwise, I have found it more romantic to wait a little for sex, 4-6 weeks. If you’re serious about marriage you also can’t risk getting prematurely attached to the wrong guy.”
     
    I understand why you have this little rule of yours. But it is giving you a false sense of security. You somehow feel that it will mean more or the guy will take you more seriously because he agreed to wait. But that is so not true. If a guy is going to pump and dump you, he will do it whether its the 3rd date or 10th date. Somehow you believe that by making him wait, you are controlling the situation when in reality, you dont.
     
    I think maybe you get too close if you sleep with a guy too soon and if thats true then by all means wait 6 weeks. But if you think that making him wait is indiciative of his interest level, think again. If the guy has options, he will be getting his action elsewhere until you feel it is safe to get down and dirty. He may like you enough to wait, but dont be oblivious to the fact there is a good chance some other lady is filling the void you aren’t providing. And if you think “oh he isnt screwing around with other girls”, you may be right but you may be wrong as well. Of course if he doesnt have any other options then maybe you will be his one and only.
     

  6. 6
    Rose

    John.
    “He may like you enough to wait, but dont be oblivious to the fact there is a good chance some other lady is filling the void you aren’t providing.”
    Only time would tell on that one. And boy would I feel relieved and grateful that I didn’t share my body with him as I don’t want to be the woman who fills a void for any man. DEFO the type of man I don’t or wouldn’t want.
    The other woman and him would be much more suited to each other if what he wanted was to have sex to fill a void and she was happy to accommodate that.

  7. 7
    RW

    >>  If a guy is going to pump and dump you, he will do it whether its the 3rd date or 10th date.
     
    In theory I agree with this but the question is, if all he wants to do is “pump and dump her”, why would he stick around for the 10th date?  If he is indeed getting it elsewhere as you suggest, why continue to wine and dine a girl he has no interest in beyond sex?  He can get plenty of that, as you correctly pointed out, with his other options.
     
    In any case, I don’t think waiting 4-6 weeks is about trying to control the situation.  It’s only about negating the possibility of getting attached to someone who is incompatible.  
     
    I read the article and thought “be still my beating heart”.  This is what I have believed and argued for so long.

  8. 8
    Rose

    I don’t want a man who is choosing to screw around or who wants to screw around to fill a void because the options for him to do so are there.

    I wouldn’t choose a man who wanted to do that.

  9. 9
    LC

    Waiting to find a man who wants to stick around to wait for sex (i.e. he might actually like you as a person) mean you’ll be celibate for a LONG time.  Sometimes its been 5  years between men for me.  But then, if you try to give a guy a chance and have sex the early stages, you find he holds it against you and thinks you’re a slut.  We gals just cannot win.

  10. 10
    John

    Rose @6
    “Only time would tell on that one. And boy would I feel relieved and grateful that I didn’t share my body with him as I don’t want to be the woman who fills a void for any man”
     
    But Rose you are missing my point. He wouldn’t tell you that he is getting his action elsewhere. You are thinking that because you are waiting and not sharing your body, he is doing the same thing. And that could be 100% wrong. So yes, only time will tell. Most guys (and I sure Evan too in his prime) will get action from another girl if she makes him wait too long. I know there are times when the guy wont mind waiting AND wont date others during that 6 weeks. But that is the exception to the rule.
     
    Its all nice and romantic and so Lifetime Channel special to think the guy is waitng patiently for you. But the dating reality is that unless the guy thinks you are The One (which happens very rarely), he is getting off with someone else if you make him wait to long if he has options. But you keep thinking that is so untrue if it makes you feel better.

  11. 11
    Joe

    John, most guys who aren’t really interested in a woman won’t wait around for that long.  Him sticking around sans sex is an indication that he’s interested in something more than just sex.  Waiting isn’t a 100% foolproof method, but it does increase the odds.

  12. 12
    Angie

    Any man worth dating will respect this, and I have had an ex who also wanted to wait because he “felt (he and I) could be something and didn’t want to get all distracted by lust”.  Yes, had a former boyfriend tell me that in the first few weeks of dating.
     
    I agree with Evan’s “sexclusivity” idea (ps, love that term).  I just tell guys four things:
    (1) I won’t sleep with you unless you are only sleeping with me. I will not be Miss Friday if Miss Saturday is coming over tomorrow.
    (2) If I sleep with you, it’s just another way to keep getting to know you, and I see myself getting more attached/having stronger feelings.
    (3) I’m safe, and plan to keep it that way.
    (4) I’ll let you know when I’m ready, but obviously I’m thinking about it.
     
    Actually, I find that this works AFTER fooling around maybe the second time or something.  Usually, when a guy invites me in or I invite him in, “I just go ‘Ok, as long as you’re a complete gentleman, if you know what I mean?”  Once, you’ve sort of cooled down, you can just say “Hey, can I talk to you about sex?”
     
    I’m not sassy or commanding when I say ‘I don’t want to be part of a rotation’; to be honest, guys usually laugh at that idea.  But I don’t usually want a boyfriend who wants to still play the game.  
     
    By all means, if you want sex, let lust be your guide, but set your expectations appropriately as far as relationships go.  

    ^ oh, and ps, I think telling someone you need them to be your “boyfriend” before you have sex is unnecessary. I think if you just tell them you don’t want share and you see your self developing deeper feelings and getting to know them, it’s implied that you are interested in a relationship but lacks the desperate sound of “you need to be my boyfriend”. (I think that sounds desperate, and that you want commitment from anyone… not that you are cool and that you still are evaluating him as relationship material). I guess it depends on the person, though.

  13. 13
    Karmic Equation

    @Rose & LC

    Do you gals do ANYTHING sexual (e.g., make out, round the bases) while getting to know him? Or are you both completely hands off.

    And Rose, if you don’t mind my asking, how old are you? I don’t need exact age, just the late-decades :) i.e., early 30′s or late 40′s, etc. I don’t mean to intrude, but to me it’s relevant as I read some of your responses and questions.

    @John & Joe

    I think it’s interesting that two men might disagree on the waiting. But you’re not really disagreeing, just pointing out different aspects of the waiting.

    What John’s saying…that while the guy may wait around for sex with you, he’s more than likely getting action elsewhere while he’s waiting. Especially if he’s a man with options.

    And Joe’s saying, well, even if he’s getting action elsewhere, the fact that he’s willing to wait at all means he may be interested in more than sex, though not guaranteed.

    NET:
    Waiting isn’t harmful, but neither is it a guarantee that you actually “mean” something to him when sex finally happens. Just understand what he’s not getting from you when he’s waiting, he’s likely getting from someone else.

    So, are you ok with
    1) “sharing” the guy and fooling yourself that he’s just as chaste as you are?
    2) Or do you accept that with eyes wide open?
    3) Or do you try pre-empt his sleeping with other girls by sleeping with him as often as he wants to?

    Kind of supports my sexual-revolution-did-not-free-women stance, huh?

    I go with #3 myself and I’m eternally grateful that I can have sex without bonding. I don’t wait for sexclusivity for sex, but rather until I have deemed the guy worthy, which usually takes a handful of times of hanging out. There are no promises of sexclusivity from me before or after sex, since I don’t want to be stuck with a lousy lover. And there’s only one way to find that out.

  14. 14
    Ruby

    Hopefully, I’m still dating or communicating with other people myself before a man asks me to be exclusive, so I’m not closing out my options too soon anyway. It’s never about controlling the man’s behavior, since I can’t do that. It’s about controlling my own behavior and feelings so I’m not solely at the mercy of someone else’s decisions.
     
    I’ve dated men who didn’t mind waiting, and also weren’t sleeping with anyone else. But even if they were, so what? If a man is not interested in me as more than a sex-partner, he’s not going to stick around long-term anyway.
     
    Karmic
    “3) Or do you try pre-empt his sleeping with other girls by sleeping with him as often as he wants to?
    Kind of supports my sexual-revolution-did-not-free-women stance, huh?
    I go with #3 myself and I’m eternally grateful that I can have sex without bonding. . I don’t wait for sexclusivity for sex, but rather until I have deemed the guy worthy, which usually takes a handful of times of hanging out. There are no promises of sexclusivity from me before or after sex, since I don’t want to be stuck with a lousy lover. And there’s only one way to find that out.”
     
    Are you sure the sexual revolution didn’t free you? If your stance isn’t supportive of the sexual revolution, i don’t know what is.
     

  15. 15
    Julia

    Can we all agree that “pump and dump” is a disgusting term and we can convey they meaning without using such a trashy and disrespectful term.
     
    Personally, I think a new rule should be to never sleep with a guy who says “pump and dump”

  16. 16
    marymary

    If he wasn’t making it clear that he was waiting too, ie not shagging around, I would ask. If he was evasive, I’d assume he was and wonder what I’m doing with someone evasive. If he lied, I’ve got a bigger problem than when to have sex. I’d be dating a liar. I don’t believe that all or even most men are out to deceive women or fool them. That’s not my experience. But the ones that too tend to leave behind a big wake.
    I believe that a relationship ready man will make that clear. If he’s serious about you, he will make it clear. If he’s in it just for fun, I could tell; not because I’m a man whisperer but his actions and/or words would tell me. Some men can not be sure but genuinely open. They will tell you. I would extend them the same courtesy.
    Yeh, I know it’s not romantic to discuss it, but I don’t think the alternative is particularly fantastic either.
    Waiting is no guarantee but I don’t see how it can do any harm.  

  17. 17
    Karl S

    It might also depend on the type of person you are. I’ve never thought badly of women who like to have sex early, whereas apparently other men do. The partners who made me wait more than a couple of months to have sex never lasted, because in the end they weren’t that attracted to me.
    I could*potentially* end up being one of Evan’s exceptions, because the girl I’m currently seeing slept with me on day one. We both knew we wanted something serious from it though, and called it a relationship right from the start. She’s even moved in with me a month to that day. I’m aware that I’m probably caught up the chemical high of being “in love” and that I’m only in my mid-twenties, which makes me naive. However, my partner and I have also been with enough people to realize that this thing is different to any that came before. Whatever happens, I’m just diving right in, and so far it’s amazing.

  18. 18
    Karmic Equation

    @Ruby 14
     
    I’ve frequently and freely acknowledged that I love sexual liberation for myself…particularly as I can have sex without commitment. But I know that isn’t the case with most women.
     
    @Julia
     
    “Pump and dump” and “Hit and run” are well known terms, like blowjob. If you decide to not date men that use that term, you’re gonna have to start dating women.

  19. 19
    JustMe

    If a guy asked me if I were sleeping with other people, I probably wouldn’t answer – Not because I am sleeping with other people (I’m mormon and we do believe in waiting) but because I’m not really sure it is his business. 
     
     

  20. 20
    Ruby

    Karmic #18
     
    “I’ve frequently and freely acknowledged that I love sexual liberation for myself…particularly as I can have sex without commitment. But I know that isn’t the case with most women.”
     
    But prior to the advent of greater sexual freedom, you would have been judged harshly for it, and wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge as it freely or openly, (if at all) as you can today.
     
    I never heard the phrase “pump and dump” until I started reading this blog! No, I don’t think my male friends use that term. Blow job, yes.

  21. 21
    Jennifer

    ‘pump and dump’ is a very common term in the ‘mansophere’ but I’ve never heard it used in real life. It is nowhere near as common as blow job.
    By the way ladies, today is Steak and Blowjob day… Enjoy! ( unless you are making him wait :-))

  22. 22
    Rose

    John

    Rose @6
    “Only time would tell on that one. And boy would I feel relieved and grateful that I didn’t share my body with him as I don’t want to be the woman who fills a void for any man
     
    “But Rose you are missing my point. He wouldn’t tell you that he is getting his action elsewhere. You are thinking that because you are waiting and not sharing your body, he is doing the same thing. And that could be 100% wrong. So yes, only time will tell. Most guys (and I sure Evan too in his prime) will get action from another girl if she makes him wait too long. I know there are times when the guy wont mind waiting AND wont date others during that 6 weeks. But that is the exception to the rule.
     
    Its all nice and romantic and so Lifetime Channel special to think the guy is waitng patiently for you. But the dating reality is that unless the guy thinks you are The One (which happens very rarely), he is getting off with someone else if you make him wait to long if he has options. But you keep thinking that is so untrue if it makes you feel better.”
    I wouldn’t be thinking that at all. I would be taking my time getting to know someone.
     I have no interest in promiscuous men.
     I feel repelled by men who go to strip clubs lap dancing clubs etc. Or want casual sex. If others want that and enjoy it that is up to them. I do not compartmentalize sex and love.  I’m not making any man do anything. Do what they like.
    Not all men are promiscuous John, grant you a lot are and I wish them well if that is what they want. Sure they will have no problem finding it just not with me. My heart and body are more valuable to me to give away to any old Tom Dick or Harry who has not proved they will cherish and take care of them.
     
     
     
     

  23. 23
    Still-Looking

    I wanted to read the actual study but too cheap to shell out $37 to download it.  I did find this comment regarding the study:
    *******
    Participants were then lumped into one of four groups based upon timing of first sex: Predating Sex (hooking-up before becoming a couple; 9.9%), Early Sex (sex on the first date or two; 35.5%), Delayed Sex (sex after a few weeks; 47.9%), and No Sex (couples who were still abstaining; 6.6%). Results revealed that people who waited longer to have sex scored the highest on all measures of relationship quality. Based upon these findings, the authors concluded that dating couples who have sex therefore have “poorer” outcomes than couples who abstain and that timing of sex represents an important “turning point” in the relationship.
    But is this really the case? 
    What every single media failed to report was that the average levels of satisfaction, communication, and commitment were high for both men and women no matter when they started having sex. For instance, looking at relationship satisfaction, which was rated on a scale ranging from 0 to 12 in this study, the midpoint for this scale was 6, which means that anything above that represents satisfaction and anything below that represents dissatisfaction. For women, those who had sex in the first month had a satisfaction score of 7.9, while those who waited six or more months had a score of 8.5. For men, the numbers were 8.2 and 8.5, respectively. Thus, average levels of satisfaction were high for all groups. 
    ****************
    I have a very strong preference for women who are very sexually uninhibited.  I don’t have a double-standard and have never considered a woman a poor match for me because we had sex on a first, second, or third date.  Some readers might be wondering, “but doesn’t it bother you that if she sleeps with you on a first date that she is sleeping with other men on a first date?”  The thought never crosses my mind just as I would assume she isn’t wondering how many women I’ve slept with on a first date.
    Whether I have sex with a woman on a first date or a fifth date isn’t that important to me.  As long as we are having a great time together I will continue to see her BUT if I feel as though she is a prude/sexually inhibited the relationship quickly becomes a platonic friendship.  As EMK has mentioned, no “sex” doesn’t mean no fooling around.
     

  24. 24
    Julia

    @Karmic I date plenty of men (though currently have a boyfriend) and have even more male friends. They tend to be of the more educated, urban east coast variety though, I’ve never heard them say anything of that nature. The kind of male I seek to spend time with just doesn’t think that little of women.
    So I’m pretty sure I can continue to be straight and avoid douches but thanks for the advice to turn to women.
    And for the record you can sleep with men relatively early on and have them respect you, sex doesn’t need to be a game where a man always wins and a woman always loses. Its better to wait a bit to have sex if you want to develop actual feelings for each other though.

  25. 25
    Rose

    I feel deeply sad hearing about others trying to fill a void by having casual sex.The void will not ever be filled that way, just a temporary addictive fix. Lost souls wondering around.

    1. 25.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I feel deeply sad for judgmental people who think that casual sex is the mark of a “lost soul”.

      Get a grip and stop imposing your biblical morality on others who see sex a source of pleasure, not a source of shame.

      1. 25.1.1
        TayMarie

        I concur.
        Go preach where it belongs, in church.

  26. 26
    starthrower68

    I am just not progressive enough to date.  I’d better get some more cats.

  27. 27
    Greg

    Well, Evan, I respect your viewpoint on your blog the overwhelming majority of the time, but casual sex just isn’t a healthy thing for certain people.  And some do try to fill an emotional void with it; they don’t succeed at that due to deeper emotional needs being unmet, and the sexual intensity just clouds what they really feel — or what they think their partner feels. I doubt Rose is speaking out of some sense of biblical morality, just what she may see in terms of others’ successful or unsuccessful sexual behavior.  Could you work with a woman like Rose who “suffers” from “biblical morality?” What would you offer to coach her to a successful relationship?  “Get a grip” implies she’s narrow-minded or even ignorant.

  28. 28
    Karl S

    Rose, you can’t just divide people into those who hold out for love and those who sleep around. I myself have always wanted to find love (I think everybody does), but I was also open to enjoying myself with people on a number of different levels if love wasn’t there to be found. It all depends on who you meet and how you click. I’ve had monogamous relationships, friends-with-benefits, one night stands and was even happy to give polyamory a go (I’m really not jealous or possessive). All these things can be fulfilling for the people involved so long as you’re honest, and that you let people know where they stand at any given moment before taking action.

    Admittedly, a lot guys aren’t honest. I guess all you can do there is take a risk and allow yourself to be hurt if it goes bad. That’s life.

  29. 29
    Sabrina

    For women, it’s simple.  Jumping into bed before there’s ‘sexusivity shows a man that he doesn’t need to make an effort with you for anything else now that he’s got the ‘prize.’  Why set yourself up for failure?

  30. 30
    Sparkling Emerald

    John 5

     
    I understand why you have this little rule of yours. But it is giving you a false sense of security. You somehow feel that it will mean more or the guy will take you more seriously because he agreed to wait. But that is so not true. If a guy is going to pump and dump you, he will do it whether its the 3rd date or 10th date. Somehow you believe that by making him wait, you are controlling the situation when in reality, you dont.
     
    I think maybe you get too close if you sleep with a guy too soon and if thats true then by all means wait 6 weeks. But if you think that making him wait is indiciative of his interest level, think again. If the guy has options, he will be getting his action elsewhere until you feel it is safe to get down and dirty. He may like you enough to wait, but dont be oblivious to the fact there is a good chance some other lady is filling the void you aren’t providing. And if you think “oh he isnt screwing around with other girls”, you may be right but you may be wrong as well. Of course if he doesnt have any other options then maybe you will be his one and only.
     
    —————————-
    NOTHING in life is guaranteed, so let’s get that out of the way shall we?  All we can do in the game of life is tilt the odds in our favor.  Most of the “hump & dumpers” aren’t going to wait around for 10 dates.  Even if they do, there’s usually some little tell that they are a player.  Waiting a while lessens the chance that a woman will be blinded by that oxytocin buzz, and bond herself to a jackass.
    You can have sex on a first date and hope it turns into a relationship.  Good luck with that, yes it happens, but those aren’t odds I want to play.
    You can wait a little longer, but without some talk of exclusivity,  Perhaps better odds, but those are sill not odds I want to play.
    You wait until there has been a declaration of exclusivity. Or an “I love you”  No guarantee, but I’ll take that chance.
    You can wait until you are engaged.  Better odds, but I doubt I could hold off that long.
    You can wait until marriage.  Still no guarantee.  Adultery is a fact of life.  I really won’t even fathom a guess at how waiting until marriage affects the odds, since I coluldn’t hold out for a ring.  I’m a heathen, I’m not even sure if I WANT to marry again, but I’m pretty sure I want to be in a relationship again AND — If I loved someone enough to want to marry them I wouldn’t be able to wait that long, and I certainly wouldn’t marry someone in a few weeks or a few months just to have marital sex vs having pre-marital sex.
     
    Too go down that road of “Oh well no amount of waiting guarantees anything” is silly.  There is NOTHING wrong with exercising a little self control in the beginning.  It will weed out a lot of players, maybe not ALL of the players, but a good chunk of them.  Or the WOMAN might discover that she’s not so compatible with the guy after all, regardless of his intentions, and she saved herself from getting in a relationship with someone she’s not compatible with.
     
    I think mostly the sexual revolution has screwed things up relationship wise (no pun intended) but one thing I do like about it, casual sex has become so mainstream that men have no qualms about stating up front that NSA sex is all they want.  There is no need to lie about it.  And there are plenty of women who will accomodate them either because
    1.  They only want NSA sex themselves or
    2.  They wonder “Gee I wonder what he means when he says he’s not ready for a relationship”? They think they can get a guy to bond to them by having sex with him, even tho he clearly stated that he only wanted to keep things casual. 
    I would much rather get dumped because I didn’t hump, then to get dumped & humped.  I would rather have been lied to about the commitment level, and have sex, then get dumped, then to willingly hop in the sack with an upfront player.  Of course my NUMBER ONE CHOICE is to be in a real relationship.  No guarantees of course, but it’s not so far outside the realm of possibility that I’m foolish to want it, or to hold out until I think I have it.

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