How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?

How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?

Hi Evan! I have been seeing this fantastic guy for the last couple months. I’ll cut to the chase and say that we get along very well, I enjoy every minute I spend with him, and he treats me with nothing but kindness and respect. He calls me his girlfriend, and we’re very happy together. We have sizzling chemistry in and out of the bedroom. I couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality.

The only issue I see is kind of a big one for me. Although we have great passion and tons of fun in the bedroom, I have some fantasies that he is not quite into. I would not say I am looking for Fifty Shades of Grey to come to life before me, but I am very interested in him being more dominant. I would like to experience the whole “tie me up and blind fold me” sort of thing. I want to feel powerless with him, but only because I trust him with that power. I just want this occasionally, however, as I very much enjoy our current sex life as well.

He, however, has told me that he does not feel comfortable with exerting his will over me, and that he feels we would have to get to know each other MUCH better before he would be comfortable exploring this. He has also said that the more I bring it up to him (I admittedly do this frequently), the more he feels pressured and the less he wants to do it. I guess I’m looking for a way that we can compromise? I am very open to exploring my sexuality, and I’d really like to live out my fantasies with him.

Thanks for any insight you can provide!
Holly

Dear Holly,

Congratulations. You have a boyfriend. You have chemistry. You’re treated with kindness and respect. You couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality. Sounds like you hit the jackpot, huh?

Except for this “big” issue: you have some fantasies that he is not quite into.

Sorry, in my world, this is not a big issue at all.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

In fact, I would struggle to conceive of a couple that is so in sync that both parties even share the SAME fantasies.

Similar views on spending money are important.
Similar views on raising children are important.
Similar views on communication are important.
Hell, even similar views on sex are important.

But having the same FANTASIES?

Things that take place in your mind for your pleasure? And he’s supposed to be just like you?

Really?

For all you readers who may be getting upset at my tone with Holly, please, flip your genders around for a second.

Imagine a female reader who complains that her boyfriend of two months is really into anal sex. He watches anal porn. He fantasizes about anal sex. He’s only done it a few times in his life, but it’s a big part of his dream life. He acknowledges that sex is currently great, but he won’t feel satisfied until he’s going in through the out door.

What would you tell her?

I’m guessing that most of you would tell her to either run or forcefully tell the anal-obsessed boyfriend to back the hell off.

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken.

It’s not that anal sex is bad or wrong or even an unusual fantasy, but it’s a very delicate and personal preference. And if he’s EVER going to get her to agree to it, it will happen only when she feels very open, trusting and loving to her boyfriend. This may take a year. It may take marriage. It may never happen. Some girls just don’t like anal.

So what that boyfriend would have to do is consider whether this is a tradeoff he’s willing to make – or not. Is it more important to have a perfect girlfriend who doesn’t do anal? Or is anal sex so important that he’d be willing to throw away a relationship to find it? Is it worth the risk of a more sexually adventurous girlfriend who may not have his current girlfriend’s other great qualities?

By the way, you can substitute ANY quirk for “anal sex” or “S&M”. People who are holding out for a guy with washboard abs or a woman who surfs are no different than these folks. How much do you insist that your partner has the same exact interests as you?

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken. Insist that you get a man over 6’0”, and you’ve eliminated 85% of men. Insist on a man who earns over 200K and you’ve eliminated 95% of men. I don’t know how many men are into being sexually dominant. I just know that it’s another arbitrary (but attractive) thing that you want to insist on. Only you can tell if it’s worth rocking the boat over.

But if you stay with him, you should probably wait a while before pushing the issue again. People don’t want to be sold. They want to choose to buy. If he loves you, if your sex life has gotten routine, if he wants to be the best possible pleaser, it will be in his self-interests to experiment with being more dominant. Allow him to come to these conclusions on his own and he will come to them on his own.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

Ask any woman who’s had a guy pressure her sexually.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Rose

    I feel in agreement the Orna Walterss words.
    it critical to say, “No” to every man who does not match your values in relationship. By doing this you send a clear message that you will not settle, and are looking for a true soul partnership and nothing less.

    “I am very open to exploring my sexuality”
    Do you know what your core inner values are?
    Do you know his?
    Do they match?
    How important is this to you?
    Depends how important exploring your sexuality is to you? It would feel important to me that the person I wanted to share my life with wanted to explore our sexuality together as a couple. And we were compatible.
    I like him would want to get to know the whole person first though.
    Communicating is always good. Better that pretending you don’t want this
    The right match for you will want to explore your sexuality with you together.
    Doesn’t sound like you know him as a person or him you yet though.
    He is telling you loud and clear that he wants know you better first.Only time will tell if you are a match.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

    1. 1.1
      Casey

      Hey! Actually my initial response was show him how awesome it can be to completely let go and give your control up for a mind blowing pleasurable experience.

      I am a very sexually adventurous person and my boyfriend loves tying me up (or being tied up). I actually think he likes when I am in control the most. So tell him you want to be completely free and try everything in your fantasies with eachother when you are both comfortable. Then tell him you want to tease him. First start with just restraining his arms and kissing/nibbling him all over. Then completely blow his mind. After he will understand what your so on about 😉

      1. 1.1.1
        The Goofhead

        In general terms women are more likely to be conservative in the bedroom to the point of frustration. You could sometimes feel your d#ck losing its steel due to the routine sex your partner is giving you. You sometimes wonder if she’s not thinking about the shoe sale in the department store.

        1. In Not Of

          Thank goodness for Adult Friend Finder or prostitution, no?

  2. 2
    @ATWYSingle

    I don’t agree with your take at all. No, two people in a relationship should not be required to share the same interests. But we’re not talking a mutual love of hiking. We’re talking about sex.
    She should tell her boyfriend what she’d like him to do to her. My guess is he’ll be into it. If he’s not, then she can decide if it’s something to overlook or not. But she should not be expected to sit passively and hope he takes the hint. If she isn’t feeling sexually fulfilled by her partner, she has every right to speak up and say something. I’m a little shocked that she’s being encouraged to keep her mouth shut for fear she might scare the guy off.

    1. 2.1
      Brittany

      From what I perceived, Evan’s not saying that at all. Nor is Holly saying she’s not being satisfied. She said they have chemistry in and out of the bedroom. I would like to assume that she’s at least alluding to the fact that she’s satisfied.

      I think Holly has learned to trust him– her boyfriend– completely. I just think that her boyfriend is too nervous for the responsibility of being entrusted with the whole sexual experience. I don’t know how much experience the boyfriend has but he did tell her to wait. Just because Holly’s ready doesn’t mean the boyfriend is ready for the responsibility or the experience. Sex involves a mutual consensus.

      I think Holly should just wait; she’s implanted her fantasy in his head. She should let him consider it and explore the fantasy mentally. Mind you, Holly’s had the fantasy, not the boyfriend. Just because she’s ready doesn’t mean he is. And if she’s continuously brought it up, he might have started to question whether she’s actually satisfied with the sex they’re having. He’ll feel pressured and might even start to resent her if he gives in before he’s ready.

      But if Holly really can’t wait, she should comment or compliment when her boyfriend takes charge of situations. Just little praises here and there to point out the “dominant” side of her boyfriend, it’s possible that the boyfriend doesn’t even consider himself dominant and is worried about his performance. Plus there’s the fifty shades hype to compete with. It would hurt my ego if I couldn’t make my partner’s fantasy enjoyable.

      But my recommendation is to stick to what Evan said: just wait.

      1. 2.1.1
        Lily

        I agree wholeheartedly. And, sometimes if a man is into something a woman isn’t, or vice versa, it makes that reluctant person feel objectified. I have felt that way before and it creates distance in a relationship. It did not make me feel special. If he is so wonderful, he may come around and surprise her when he feels more comfortable. Or not. She has to relax and let it unfold. And perhaps she needs to focus on what she has, instead of what she doesn’t currently have.

  3. 3
    marymary

    I may be out of my depth here, but from what I understand a person is either sub or dom, or neither, and if he doesn’t want to do it he doesn’t want to do it. I’m kind of doubtful that he will ever be into it though you may not be either if you actually try it. As for compromise, would you want to dominate him? If it’s a resounding no, maybe that’s an insight into how he feels.
    However, it may be worth a try. Don’t mention it again,  buy some handcuffs and blindfold for a special occasion, and take it from there.
    I don’t think it need be a dealbreaker but I believe there is a subculture of people for whom it really is. If that’s you, you may need to try a specialist dating site (!). Otherwise, count your blessings and enjoy your relationship.

  4. 4
    Sarah

    I think he just feels awkward and will probably come around. My ex really liked dirty talk, I abhor talking during sex, it completely turns me off, but I did it sometimes for him. All you want is him dominating you ocassionally, which is totally normal IMO. I would say the best advice would be to get him more comfortable with you asap. My bet is his refusal to do it is because you ask for it. He knows you want it at this point. Maybe watch Girl with a Dragon Tatoo with him? Or get him to read The Story of O (not fifty shades.. that book is ridiculous). If you’re into S&M and bondage you probably didn’t just get into it over night. Maybe watch some porn with him? These are all ways to get guys to be more comfortable with you. I would say step one is get him to blind fold you with something so he can feel less “on stage” and maybe wrestle a bit before hand, drink a little, whatever will help him relax and get in the mood. Because for a guy to be dominant he’s definitely got to be in the mood for it. You can’t just order him to do it, that is completely the opposite of what you want. Also, act more submissive.. Its usually a natural instinct I’ve noticed in guys. I’m lucky, I found a guy that is really into being dominant and S&M etc. You usually build up to stuff though. So first blind fold, maybe next toys? and possibly hand cuffs after that. He may think its more involved that it really is or not quite understand exactly what you want. Afterwards, tell him how much you enjoyed yourself and give positive feedback on what he did (do this no matter what). If he does something and its funny, don’t laugh! And Evan, I feel like this girl already has it all, you don’t have to point out that she’s already lucky and being too picky. This matters to her, as it would me, and there totally IS a solution. PS, I’m thinking this guy is just into vanilla sex, but it may be completely the opposite and he might be a complete freak and just doesn’t want to weird you out. So you should probably keep that in the back of your mind and if thats the case, then you need a SAFE WORD =))

  5. 5
    daphne

    I think she’s incredibly fortunate to have everything she has in this guy, and it’s only been two months. She should see if this extremely promising relationship can go the distance, and gently bring up the fantasies issues in a few months. 

    If the fantasies are absolute dealbreakers for her, then- well, if you’re going to hold out for such perfection in a guy, you may never find anyone.

  6. 6
    Holly

    As the writer of this letter, I’d have to say that Evan is completely spot on in his advice. This was a guy who was every single thing a woman could possibly wish for in a man, and someone I absolutely love to pieces. If you can imagine the most caring, generous, loving person that ever exsisted in this world who would do anything for the people he loves, well, thats him.
    Unfortunately, I was so scared to lose him that I ended up pushing him away and losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I read Evan’s column every Monday and Thursday, and I have to admit that it brought tears to my eyes when I saw my words here. How bittersweet…this seems like such an insignificant and trivial issue now that I’ve lost him. We’re still friends, but its hard to live with the fact that I can’t make things right. I just want him to be happy, and hope he finds that.

  7. 7
    Michelle

    Uhhhhh, it’s been 2 months!!  I didn’t read he said absolutely not, I read he said not now, it’s too soon.  BE PATIENT! 
    Keep bringing it up at your own peril.  He’s not going to do it now otherwise, that would mean he was forced into it, and people don’t like to be forced into anything (read Evan’s response if the tables were turned).  He’ll remember you’re interested in doing that, and if things continue to go well, I bet he’ll bring it up in the future.  Lean back, enjoy the moment and give up control of this situation.

  8. 8
    Rose

    Holly, the right man for you will not go anywhere.
    It’s great that you want him to be happy.
    How about also wanting yourself to be happy and doing stuff that makes you happy?

  9. 9
    Dean

    Holly @6
    Unfortunately, I was so scared to lose him that I ended up pushing him away and losing the best thing that ever happened to me
     
    I dont think the issue of you wanting to be dominated by him broke you up. Perhaps you nagged him too much and it turned him off, but I doubt this is the only reason. Maybe its the reason he gave you, but if he was already looking to end things with you, then this was his escape hatch. Sorry, but a guy wont end things with a girl just because she wants him to tie her up and spank her and he isn’t into that. There were probably other things that wanted him to end it and this provided a convenient excuse.

  10. 10
    Some other guy

    Holly: I’m so sorry for your painful loss.
     
    Thank you for visiting this thread; it will certainly help others.

  11. 11
    Rose

    Holly.
    “Unfortunately, I was so scared to lose him”
    This is where the real problem is.

  12. 12
    Still-Looking

    Holly @ 6 –
    You said, “Unfortunately, I was so scared to lose him that I ended up pushing him away.”
    I think I have pushed (scared) some wonderful women away b/c when that ever so rare chemistry/connection is there, I have a tendency to be too clingy/needy.
    I’m working on that but I’m curious as to what you believe you did that pushed your BF away?

  13. 13
    Lia

    @ Rose # 8
     
    Holly the right man for you will not go anywhere.”  I can not even begin to tell you how many times I have heard this line or a similar version of it.  It is what we tell ourselves and it is what we tell our friends and they say it to us.  I have said it many times.  So when I say that it is such a ridiculous inane line, you know that I am too am guilty of having uttered that utter nonsense myself.
     
    The truth, as I see it is that we as fallible human beings are totally capable of destroying a relationship that is loving, wonderful, and fulfilling.  Are we capable of making a mess of things by pushing our own agenda and being blind to the feelings of others? I think so.
     
    Many women I know have the fantasy man in her head and I have seen what happens when they try to make a perfectly great guy over into their version of the perfect fantasy guy.  No one is going to fit anyone else’s fantasy… because we are real.  
     

  14. 14
    Eva

    Hi Holly,
    As someone who has had BDSM desires all her life, I can relate to what you were going through. Don’t let anyone tell you that your BF (or anyone else you’re interested in) will eventually ‘come around’.
    Now, the question you might want to ask yourself is this: How long have I had these interests/desires? If they are fairly recent, chances are they are just that: fantasies. But, if you’ve had them for a long time, or they have surfaced just recently (perhaps after reading’50 Shades of Grey’), chances are that you are not ‘vanilla’ and need a guy who shares those desires.
    Take it from me… I had similar desires since I was 5 years old. I was stuck in a dead-end marriage for 26 years. My ex-husband wanted no part of what I wanted. I’m 52 years old now, and have been divorced for 7 years. I’m now with a great guy who does share my desires for Dominance/submission.
    If you would like some help or advice, I’d be happy to give it. Just e-mail me here. Please reference E.B.
    E. B.

  15. 15
    Some other guy

    @Lia #13
     
    Right on the money
     
    It is possible for his leaving to be confirmation that he wasn’t the right guy, but that doesn’t mean one can’t blow it too.

  16. 16
    PK

    Lol @ “going in through the out door.”

    That aside, I thought this was an interesting take on an issue that probably a lot men and women face in relationships. If the sex is already good then true it makes sense to not make it an issue. Well spoken as always Mr. Katz 🙂

  17. 17
    Julia

    Holly the right man for you will not go anywhere.”
    Disagree. The right person doesn’t mean the person who will tolerate bad behavior  The right person has self-respect and won’t accept being treated poorly. If Holly believes her actions pushed him away, she should examine her actions and learn from her mistakes. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
    @Holly
    Sorry you are hurting, surely you will get back out there and find another kind and loving man and you will be ready to accept him just the way he is. Good luck.

  18. 18
    starthrower68

    Wow, tough lesson learned.  It speaks for itself.

  19. 19
    Ruby

    This post has got me thinking about the difference between a fantasy and a fetish, as well as the importance of sexual compatibility. I wonder if Holly forced the issue as much as she did because this was more than a simple fantasy for her, and her boyfriend wasn’t open to it at all, so he bailed. I think Eva’s advice (#14) is spot on.

  20. 20
    Rose

    Julia.
    Fear of losing someone sounds like fear of abandonment to me.
    Which is the core problem if a woman has that fear. So that would be  the main thing that needed to addressed.
    If that is the case , it means someone is abandoning themselves in some way abandoning their own needs.Not a good idea in a healthy relationship.
    We can accept someone is just the way they are and be with them as long as we don’t abandon ourselves and our own needs at the expense of another. If we have different needs one persons needs are not right or wrong they are just different, we can still accept them just as they are .They are just not right for us or each other. they have a mismatch of core needs.
    If they are meant to be together he will be back.
    As long as she doesn’t instigate it by being dominant  one and the  the leader.
    If he doesn’t come back, there is someone better ahead a better match for Holly.
    Respect your POV and if you disagree though.
     
    .
     
     
     

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