When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?
In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11” report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?

Chill. You’re the exception. Here’s the rule:

“Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication.”

“Sexclusivity”: don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.

You mean fucking an attractive stranger you’ve known for 3 hours and hoping that you’re compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?

“There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes,” says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

This isn’t just conservative Mormon B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality. He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He’ll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:

Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compell us to stay in relationships that we know aren’t built to last, the study suggests.

Finally, “women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships,” says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.

The word I’ve coined for this is “sexclusivity”. Don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it’ll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment – as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.

Read the article here and please, share your thoughts below.

Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (145 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 121

    I’ve dated my boyfriend for 2years and I’ve not had sex wit him all these years and now he is seriously asking for it,I want it too but am afraid of giving in

  2. 122

    I love it

  3. 123

    Very wise advice that I have been following for years that has saved me from a lot of heartache. I do however find it very disheartening that, despite a lot of male attention, I’ve been celibate for years as a lot of the men I meet fall into this category. I was dumped last week by a sexy French guy who was getting far too heavy on a first date and pushing for a lot more than a goodnight kiss. At my age I could do without such encounters.

  4. 124

    “Conservative Mormon B.S.”

    Hm. Why does it have to be “Mormon B.S.”?  Not Catholic B.S.? Or Amish B.S.? Or religious B.S.?

    It may be true that teaching abstinence before marriage is old school. When not taught properly it can mess with a person’s sexuality.

    However, look at the facts. If more people followed the Mormon BS attitude toward sex there would be fewer STDs, fewer unwed pregnancies, fewer abortions, and less emotional scarring from casual sex.

    I probably lost focus of what the entent of your article was even about. And while I typically enjoy reading your posts, I am disappointed in your choice to use Mormon doctrine the way you did.

  5. 125

    I have no idea what is right for other women. When I was in my 20s I always had sex early on. I thought that would somehow seal the deal. But I think I just wanted the affection, and I was curious and figured it was going to happen sooner or later anyway.

    When I started dating my husband, I was afraid to do *anything” the same way I had! I held out for maybe a month, I think, lol, before we had sex, and this time it added just another dimension to a happy relationship. I think I had just happened to meet “the one,” because here we are 27 years later.

    I wish I could tell my younger self not to be so fatalistic about things, but everything did come right in the end.  So maybe it’s good that I can’t talk to that girl.

  6. 126
    Karen K

    I don’t know what to say here, because now men know the tricks.  They tell you they want to be exclusive with you right away, and in my girlfriend’s situation, he said (a doctor) he wanted to marry her, and started talking about their future together.  My girlfriend waited 6 weeks to sleep with him, thinking he was exclusive with her (they both said they were) but come to find out, he was wanting a loyal wife to come home to after a long day of cheating.  Thank God she insisted on condoms!  So, waiting for a “monogamous, committed relationship” or when they say they will marry you won’t always work.  The amount of time has nothing to do with it.  When there is a connection, and the guy seems trustworthy, you want it too.  Holding out just makes you seem like a b*tch.  If you don’t want to rip his clothes off by the 4th date, you should find someone else, because the chemistry isn’t there…and if you are forcing the chemistry, then he has money, and you are just using him.  Shame on those who do that.  Find someone that you click with, wait until there is trust and you are exclusive, and then rip his clothes off.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *