Men Are Honest. You’re Just Not Listening.

I take my job as your personal trainer for love very seriously.

I try to honor and respect every woman who reads my emails and offer advice that is honest but not too brutal.

But I have to admit, from time to time, I get an email that makes me roll my eyes.

The most recent one was as mercifully short as it was inane. All it said was this:

“What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you?”

To the best of my knowledge, this email was not a joke, but it had me thinking about other obvious questions that had only one possible answer.

“What does she mean when she says she’s not at all attracted to me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’s been faking her orgasms with me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’d rather jump out of a moving car than go out on another date with me?”

Now, to be fair, most women don’t give men such rude, point-blank answers.

What do you actually do instead?

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

You don’t return his calls in a timely fashion.

You date other men until you find one you like better.

You may go out with him again, but you’re not all that into it.

In short, to keep the peace and avoid conflict, you either do the slow fade (not calling him back immediately), or you continue to see him with reservations about your attraction and excitement.

Are you lying to him? Are you trying to hurt him? Are you a commitmentphobe who has no interest in marriage? Are you fickle and always looking for someone better?

I’m guessing the answer is no to all of the above.

Same with us. Except you have trouble seeing that.

Face it:

Men don’t have to say “I love you” to get you in bed.

Men don’t have to commit to you to get you in bed.

All men have to do to get you in bed is be cute, funny, tall, smart, and successful.

And if that’s the case, and we sleep with you based on attraction alone, regardless of whether we have actual FEELINGS for you, it tends to get a little dicey.

This is not me DEFENDING men; this is me, EXPLAINING men.

Listen, we’re just as shocked as you are when you sleep with us on a second date.

But, as you know, this doesn’t mean we want a relationship with you. It just means that we were having fun, we were tipsy, we took a chance, and we scored.

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

Understand that unless he REALLY likes you, the second you leave, he’s thinking about how he can get out of this.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

Understand that he DOESN’T want to hurt you.

Understand that he DOESN’T want you to fall in love with him.

Understand that he DOES want to keep sleeping with you because it’s in HIS self-interest.

And understand that everything he does next is designed to keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE with him.

If he’s excited about you and wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll call you the next day to say, “I had fun, when can I take you out to dinner this week?”

If he’s already planning his exit strategy, he’s not going to say, “I think we made a mistake. Good luck in life.” He’s more likely going to do something like this:

• A one-line text to follow up.
• A few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached.
• Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy.
• A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

And your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him.

This is why I’m saying that men are being honest with you.

He’s not talking about meeting your family.
He’s not talking about taking you away to Paris.
He’s not talking about the names of your kids.
He’s not talking about love and marriage.
Hell, he’s not even talking about dinner and a movie!

He’s mostly keeping in touch with texts and hoping that you coast on your attraction to him without ever second guessing his lack of effort.

He hasn’t lied to you. He hasn’t promised you anything. He hasn’t done anything after sleeping with you that indicates that he’s serious about you.

So, reward this kind man for trying to protect your feelings by…

CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.

“It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

He’ll do one of two things:

1) Pick up the phone and call you because you have a burgeoning relationship that’s worth preserving and he can’t stand to let you go.

Or, in all likelihood…

2) He’ll text you, “That sux! Too bad. I understand though. Good luck to you!”

Really, men don’t want to hurt you. Just like you don’t want to hurt them.

So stop blaming them for sleeping with and texting you.

If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Michelle

    I need to enlargen this, print it out, stick it in my fridge and read it everyday!  I am so guilty of falling for my vision of what it might be instead of what it is, that I consistently have my heart broken. And at the end of the day, I know it is me to blame.  Thank you Evan, for putting it in black and white. 

    1. 1.1
      bestofme

      Yeah, well basicly it’s not hard to tell if you get the feel that he is as such he’s not for you and or is using you … doesn’t matter what for what matters is you feel that way tell him look your great and all I just don’t’ feel we should be dating maybe hang out as friends… see what he thinks because ha if he does think he’ll be doing a lot of it.

      1. 1.1.1
        Yogagurl

        bestofme…please write clearer so we understand what you are trying to say. 

    2. 1.2
      Thalia

      Wow so so helpful!  I’ve recently went on a 3rd date with an offer to stay over… I didn’t and what do you know the silences started!  It still felt like a let down but I’m hearing it loud and clear especially after reading your coluum ! Thank you

      1. 1.2.1
        Sophia

        Thalia, guess what? You win! I’ve heard that guys will keep dating you just to get some, but they’ll give up if they don’t get any after a few weeks. If you had slept with him, you would have fallen into that trap. Now you know that he wasn’t sincerely interested and you didn’t have to give it up in order to find that out.

  2. 2
    Michelle

    Siggghhh, exactly.

    “It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

    The problem is women don’t have the courage to do this. They don’t want to appear to be a bitch or ‘rock the boat’ where he gets pissed with this ‘attitude’ and walks away. It’s counterintuitive for us to do this. The reality is–this is the MOST EFFECTIVE way of handling these situations. It challenges the man to step up – or not. And leaves both of you to find someone where there’s mutual interest.

    And once a woman gets the confidence and experience with doing this type of messaging, she can start out on the first date with this attitude–in a lighthearted, but ‘serious’ way so he knows exactly what it’s going to take to stay in her life, which again, counterintuitively, creates more attraction to her by him. From my experience, men LOVE it.

    1. 2.1
      Sophia

      Awesome! Thanks for your input.

    2. 2.2
      ohsnap

      “The problem is women don’t have the courage to do this”.
      Not sure it’s courage; it’s a lack of self-worth. Took me many years to get to where I am now but trust me…if you don’t have respect for yourself and a true understanding that you are worth quality time from a man, then they will treat you accordingly. This ‘not answering your texts’ (even though they are infrequent); disappearing for months with no communication then expecting you to be all flattered when they do touch base; suddenly wanting you to email instead of texting when all he does is text (a sure sign that his girlfriend is reading his texts and he wants to keep you as a ‘back-door’ friend).  All happened to me from a guy that was very attracted to me but didn’t have the cajones to be honest about it.  We never slept together (he had a girlfriend and I would not). We worked together and had ‘platonic’ dates even after he moved to another job but I think he wanted to keep his hand ‘in play’. Sorry…I made that mistake plenty of times when I was in my 20s and 30s. If a man wants you and you have made your standards clear, and he makes no move to meet you on those terms, then it is time to move on. And I did with a very carefully, non-accusatory worded response to his latest, out of the blue email. And to make it easier on his ego (because I actually have no hard feelings at all and I told him this), I gave him the way to back out gracefully. And he did by never responding to the email. If I was wrong, he would have protested and apologized for his lack of communication.  Done.
      So men will treat you the way you let them.  Eventually, someone will value you but only if you value yourself first!
       
       

  3. 3
    Sheba Wheeler

    WOW. Brilliant! Sharing this with my friends right now on FB.
     
     

  4. 4
    my honest answer

    Evan, this is pure gold! I get ‘what does it mean’ questions all the time! And usually the answer is: it means they’re not that into you. I don’t know why we all look for hidden meanings when sometimes the meaning is so clear.

  5. 5
    Liz

    Michelle,

    She can “start out on the first date with this attitude, so he knows exactly what it’s going to take to stay in her life?” I don’t think that’s what Evan is saying. I think he’d advise against projecting an “attitude.” Unless it’s one of pure positivity. That’s not to say a woman shouldn’t feel protective of herself and her feelings, but it shouldn’t be visible to the guy she’s on a date with. Even if she tries to convey it lightheartedly (which never works. Like how making “jokes” on a date about being the oldest single woman in your office doesn’t make one seem laidback, it makes one seem insecure).

  6. 6
    Michelle

    Liz #5, I couldn’t disagree more, and it’s about a confidence attitude, not a nasty attitude–and I mentioned confidence (and experience) in the sentence right before the one you quoted, sorry you missed my point.  Please tell me one person who does not like confidence in another person–man or woman.

    When I’m dating (and successfully by the way), I’m not protective of myself, I want to be open, loving and in my feminine energy–not closed off and protective and paranoid.  And believe me, men pick up on our energy even when they think we are the best at ‘acting’ (and what man wants a woman who is not herself?)

    What I do exhibit is a sense of humor about myself and life, an understanding and appreciation of men (and women) and a confidence that I know who I am (good stuff and not so good stuff) and I know what I want out of life–perfection is not one of them.  I have standard little sayings I say to men which get my point across and always gets a laugh.   Bottom line, it’s about me evaluating whether they might be a good partner for me and what it might take for them to put themselves in the best position to do that–NOT the other way around where I’m trying to tiptoe around and be who I think he wants me to be in the hopes he likes me.  Once a woman can AUTHENTICALLY adopt this attitude, she will have men lining up to be her boyfriend.

  7. 7
    JoC

    It’s a hard life being a woman in the dating world.
    One minute we’re told men like to take their time over decided about women, they don’t like making immeditate decisions about a girl in their life, women have to be patient and not too clingy to let a new encounter ‘breathe’ and give the man the space he needs to work out his feelings. So, when a man isn’t calling us we’re told, ‘just give him time, he’s probably genuinely busy’ and we’re told to wait and back off, or we’ll ‘scare him off’ and ruin what could have been a great relationship. Next, we’re being told, if a guy isn’t calling in the next 24-48 hours and acting interested in you, you should cut him off because guess what? If he’s not acting interested in you – he’s not interested in you! So on the one hand we’re being told a guy will let you know if he is interested and communicate that with you quickly and the other, saying men are slower creatures than women, they need time to process things and trying to ‘check in’ with them will be counter productive or cutting them off because they seem disinterested could be a mistake, because he was just seconds away from decided you were the woman of his dreams bla bla bla.
    No wonder we struggle!
    I can’t be bothered to worry over all of this ‘post date’ drama or what to do and what not to do after a date. I focus instead of how I am going into a date in the first place and what type of man I am choosing to date. If I want to be respected, and if I want to be treated like the ‘wife material’ I know I am, then first of all, I am not going to date men who are obviously players. I am also going to make sure that I am not coming across as ‘booty call’ material on the date either. That way, if I made a mistake with the man I chose and he IS secretly a player, he still won’t be able to use me as a booty call because I won’t let him. I will be respectful on the date, I will have appropriate ‘first date’ boundaries, I will be classy, I won’t be all over him and I definitely won’t sleep with him.
    Men use women as ‘booty calls’ because the woman has subconsciously or consciously given him the impression that they CAN be used as booty calls. If you don’t want to have to go through all of this drama about whether this guy really likes you or is just using you post dating/sleeping with him, go back to the beginning and check you’re going into a date in the future with the right type of man (this means removing your blinkers about what type of man you are just HOPING he secretly is) and also that you are coming across as the type of woman that a man would not dream of mis-treating (are you wearing something sexy, but modest, or just down right trashy and are you being too ‘available’ to him and giving him the impression that he can just have you if he wants you? Are you being too ‘eager’ are you making it clear that you’re up for sex?). Don’t give him even the slightest reason to assume you can be used – because, like Evan says, if a man thinks he can get away with something – he will. Obviously, I don’t think I have to state that sleeping with a guy on the first date will nearly always separate you from the women he will respect and treat well and the women he knows he can use for sex later on.

    1. 7.1
      Lisa

      you nailed that shit completely 

  8. 8
    Lori Allen

    Oh how funny well my first love was a “Dan” but after deciding to go our separate ways after 8 years of a serious relationship. I was in a strange spiral of short term romance and some  booty call relationships for the past 5 years. Now after seeing the light again as to what I want in my love life for the future, I just said pretty much those lines Evan had suggested to a “Reid,” “Michael,” and a “James” in the past 6 months. 2/3 disappeared but one just wants to keep hanging on, and now I am interested in someone else. It feels SO great to regain the power and know what fulfills you best in a relationship when one side pulls away. They do not want YOU, so WHY stick around for THEM?

  9. 9
    Jess

    I just had my 5th date in 2.5 weeks with a new guy last night, and we slept together for the first time.  I’m trying not to worry about whether or not he’ll follow up (we already texted each other last night after I got home).  There’s nothing I can do to control what he does or doesn’t do from here on out.  If he is the man I hope he is, he’ll follow through.  If not, he’s not the one for me.  This has been the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn as a late bloomer to the dating game.  But if you don’t risk, there’s no reward.

    1. 9.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Jess – there is something you could have done. You could have not slept with him until there was a commitment. If he steps up, you get your reward. If he doesn’t, there was no risk.

      1. 9.1.1
        Arshia

        Whats the risk in sleeping with him :S?

      2. 9.1.2
        Des

        @Even Marc Katz they say they don’t want commitment unless you sleep with them

  10. 10
    Dagaz



    @JoC, #7 – very good point, indeed)))
    or it’s indefference, or it’s a “time needed”, both are with absolutely the same symptoms.
    doctor, what’d you say here?..
    IMHO, if man truly is interested, he won’t take so much time to catch up with his extra sensitive feelings, like 19-century timid aristocratic miss, really.
    instead, he will be polite (calling you next day), caring (inviting to spend more time together) and just will be happy to be around you.
    all those talks about “i need time” is not more than an excuse. or game-playing.
    cest la vie.
     

  11. 11
    Marla

    the fact that he REALLY LIKES you does not mean he wants a relationship with you, right Evan?

  12. 12
    Joe

    @ JoC: what Evan is trying to tell you is that sleeping with a guy isn’t necessarily going to make him want to be your BF.  He might, eventually, but not really because you slept with him.  If you want to avoid the “post date drama” with a guy, don’t sleep with him.

  13. 13
    Darci

    This is so true. It’s actually true for everybody. I think people say what they mean and we just rationalize it into what we want them to mean.

    It has taken me years, decades in fact, to learn that when my ex-husband said he really didn’t want children, he meant it (and it shows in his relationship with our kids). When my ex-lover told me that he really didn’t want to settle down, he meant it. It even works for women. My friends say what they mean and then either I try to warp into what I wish they meant or they back track and try to cover it up because it obviously hurt my feelings.

    Actually, now that I’ve learned these lessons fewer and fewer people in my life back track. I’ve learned to look at reality and accept it, and then do something about it.  When you go out with someone who isn’t acting the way you want them to act, find somebody else. Or you could just go get yourself a pedicure or a massage or an evening out with a great friend. Treat yourself well and listen to the truth. Anything else is just spinning your wheels. 

  14. 14
    Spiral

    This is a very honest and blunt description of men, Evan. Thank you for posting this.
    But I read this and felt sad and annoyed and disillusioned.
    I can’t help thinking: WHY??
    Why would a man do this? Why would a man want to “keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE”?
    Is it really just for sex? Is that all men truly want?
    Or is it just that sex is what THIS man wants at THIS time with you, and in a different stage in his life and maybe even with a different woman, he would be perfect husband material?

    1. 14.1
      Yogagurl

      Because men have a strong need for sex. Even good men. And they want to have it with women they trust. It doesn’t mean they are actively trying to hurt you or use you, just trying to get their needs met as we are.

      1. 14.1.1
        T

        Truth is, it doesn’t matter how strong your drive is. Doing that to others is not excusable, just like using others into paying your bills or for your home would be wrong as well. Men are simply conditioned to pursue sex no matter who it hurts. We all want sex, it is not required to survive, so that is a bogus excuse, I’m sorry. You simply do not have to use others to fulfill your needs (yes, I would say that they are trying to use you, let’s not defend it).

        1. lysel

          T I agree with you. It’s like saying thank you for fulfilling my lust.

        2. Zoep

          Thank you T!  This is the part that is often left out of these conversations on this topic.  Not addressing it always leaves me questioning.  

  15. 15
    chris60

    This sounds like great advice Evan. Women should play the game and withhold sex. And an even better game is to be like a man and have sex then flick him off for being cheap. And an even better game is to get a man who values “independence”, sleep with him and then when he calls for a repeat hook up tell him: “Gee, you value independence and don’t want a serious relationship so I’ll leave you alone. Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” Do you want to know something, that gets him livid and chasing like a greyhound after a bunny as IT IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL. The men who push for sex with no intention of committing will wine and dine for ages and spin the lines and then dump you regardless. So the advice falls flat. Besides, men dislike princesses and grow tired of paying money for no return. And here’s a bit of a tip – it’s a power trip to pay for a woman and then think you have bought her!! Any man who flashes the wallet to impress may turn into Mr Possessive later. Let him pay but you owe him nothing in return. If he thinks he can buy you like an object then he’s not worth knowing. And if you think you can hook him into wanting you or owing you if you have sex then also be prepared for the cruel fact that neither of you really owe each other anything beyond mutual sexual gratification. If you like sex and also want a serous relationship to develop problems will evolve as you hurt yourself by withholding sex and run the risk of being seen as cheap if you love sex and have sex too soon. Sex is not intimacy – it’s just sex if it has no emotional connection involved. Intimacy takes time to develop, but sex is what acts as a catalyst to make a full relationship.

    Relationship will or will not develop and it really does not matter if you have sex on the first date or wait six months. This does not ensure the relationship will continue. Both sexes can be insecure and confused when it comes to sex and intimacy, and there is no stock guide to say what will or will not cause a serious relationship to develop. Timing? Luck? Compatibility? Both having evolved to the point of being willing and capable of intimacy helps a lot. Stop making excuses and learn to set firm limits and boundaries and be open and honest about what you want, expect and need to avoid confusion or the melt down later.

    1. 15.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Chris60 – Your sarcasm is charming. And your inference that I suggest playing games couldn’t be further from the truth. If you can sleep with a guy, enjoy yourself, and not have any emotional attachments to whether he calls you, go ahead. No judgment here. But if you get hurt after sleeping with a guy who doesn’t call, literally the ONLY way to protect yourself in the future is to clarify whether you’re exclusive BEFORE you have sex. It’s not a game. It’s not manipulative. It’s 100% authentic. It basically tells a man that – for you – sex is reserved for boyfriends, not for cute strangers who’ve put in a few hundred bucks over three dates. The guy then has two choices: bail because he just wants sex, or stick around to see if he wants to be your boyfriend. Either way, you have your answer.

      1. 15.1.1
        Desiree

        I completely agree that all this article is doing is perpetuating women to play the male mind games. I don’t see any suggestion of honest, open communication on the part of the man here?

      2. 15.1.2
        Desiree

        What about men who play “boyfriend” just to get sex? It happens allll the time. I’m not seeing anything in this article to go by. Until Mr. Katz tries the dating world as a woman, I’m not taking one iota of advice.

      3. 15.1.3
        Fran

        I agree with most things Evan say most of the times, and I prefer his advice to others’ because I’ve seen much worse as far as playing games.
        I like the fact the Evan doesn’t promise us that we can manipulate any man we want and that instead we have to quickly let go of who doesn’t seem interested.
        But I must admit that it’s not always so simple. Women are not simple, and neither are men.
        If I hadn’t experienced it myself I would not believe it, but I had always been very honest and straightforward from the beginning of every relationship and still I got hurt by a man who quickly called me his girlfriend, waited for a couple of months to have sex, invited me and his parents over dinner to get to know each other, talked a lot about the future, let me book time off for his birthday to spend a holiday together and… He actually saw me only as a challenge. After having sex he stopped talking about the future and started treating me as a booty call. He took me a few months to realize. Needless to say, I had to cancel the holiday :-(

        1. Fran

          PS. sorry for any wrong spelling and sloppy sentences, I posted without proof-reading it… I hope it’s still clear.

      4. 15.1.4
        JessGo

        This is all very good advice, but really I think that there is no way to tell what a guy wants other than entertainment and power :/ Sorry Even and all other men reading this, I have only met and date one true man. I regret not have sex with him…out of fear he would change. All men change after the “game” and it is only one way or the other. They like you more, or less Chris you bring up a good point..what if you enjoy sex, but like a man want to have it with a man you can trust. Why is it that when you are open and honest, that a guy still feels the need to lie? Say things like you’re the only girl I’m sleeping with (but later when you drop by story find a mini can in the driveway and he open the door half way with no shirt on and says he is busy can he call you later? Doesn’t it make them feel good to know they have yospinning wired up just like they want it? Does it make the sex better to get her to like you more than she data red she was willing to give of her emotioas by saying sweet nothing’s? That is what they are and should be recognized as…should I never give any man the benifit of the doubt? Seems like a whole lot of work for something so simple and for so basic of an action as sex and the feeling of intimacy. I don’t want to date a guy and “withhold” sex, I think that we do put too much power behind tht action…I I liked a guy allot andated went on a few dates, some he spent money some he didn’t after a few months we finally got around to it. Well I like him very mischievous and he didn’t call me for a week, when he did he said he couldn’t wait to see me again…I was hurt by this and took advice similar and told him that I like to take things slower. I could hear the hurt in his voice, he didn’t call me for a long time after and he hasn’t been the same towards me, the intamacy w were buildig never grew beyond that. Just awful and confusing to try and do it the “right” way. 

  16. 16
    Katherine Wakefield

    At the end of the day if you sleep with a man, this is YOUR decision, so be sure that’s what you want to do!  If he disappears you cant blame him, he didn’t promise you anything and you slept with each other by mutual agreement.  
    This is because women attach emotionally to a man with sex and read a lot more into it than a man does.  But men and women think differently!
    As Evan says its how the man behaves afterwards that will tell you if hes interested.  They are your signs to understand him, by his actions, not that he slept with you.

  17. 17
    Katarina Phang

    As one of the few (or perhaps many?) women who could care less if a guy sticks around after sex, I can tell you that no drama is necessary before or after sex.  It’s about relentless self-confidence that whatever happens, happens in your best interest.  If he disappears, good…he saves you time and energy.  If he sticks around, good…enjoy him while it lasts.

    But what seems to always work with me is to focus on my own well-being.  I may not know where he stands but as long as we share positive moments when we are together, I will stick around.  Yet at the same time I know how to protect myself but not going all the way emotionally on him which means I keep my options open till he steps up to the plate.

    No drama, just solid great fun time that enriches my life and contributes to my happiness.   If he doesn’t find me worthy of his commitment after all this, I have at least used him to raise my Goddess vibration that will attract the right guy eventually.  And it’s his loss.

    And about booty call?  It works both ways.  It’s not an issue for me. :) 

    1. 17.1
      shannon

      totally agreeed with you on this!! !! we have to think this way as a woman!!

    2. 17.2
      JustMe

      I agree Katarina 100%.  I have enjoyed sexual encounters with no strings or emotional attachments..  Have even had a “one night stand” if you will, with my crush, who started seeing someone steadily for awhile only to find him calling again only after a short time with this new girl… I mean if He wants to play i’m game.. I’m all for fun and no GAMES!!! :)

    3. 17.3
      Fran

      I can only say… Lucky you! :P
      If I focus on my well being I know that I need to wait and feel safe… Unfortunately I am not able to have no emotional attachment with a person I sleep with. Not saying this is either a good or bad thing, only very unlucky :(

    4. 17.4
      Randerson

      Wow! Katrina, I admire your strength.  I hope I can develop that mindset and have it stick too me.  Problem is I do get attached emotionally and physically when I find them so funny, handsome and smart.  I am now seeing my neighbor and agreed after being alone for along time to be a friend and a lover, yes the  booty call…where I can not seem to draw the line…I know he is not wanting a relationship right now he just got out of a five year one.  I have now been sleeping and hanging around him for a year coming this October…I have my heartaches with this situation, because I love and adore him so much.  He is so form fitting too me and just looking at his face sends me to another planet.  He tells me he wants to always have me as a friend.  Not sure how that will work if he finds someone else, right? ouch…so there you have it…stuck! Yuck! My heart hangs on but my mind says let him go….but, I can’t do it yet…I am addicted and it is like sick..  I am weak.  He makes me feel alive…also I have to mention I am nine years older than him, I am 54.  I always used to think this is wrong.  I never ever would have considered this possible for me to do ..until I met him.  
      Older men seem to get away with being with younger women and the reverse is becoming a new standard and label women as cougars.  
      I hate it that I am so weak in this delightful relation that will and is breaking my heart…but for some odd reason right now I feel it is worth the risk..  yeah….yeah stupid eh!?  Guess only time will tell……
      Can someone please perform a lobotomy via computer…lol

    5. 17.5
      Jennifer

      I totally agree with you Katarina,
      it’s about your own well being and happiness.i still find myself wondering where my relationship with him will go, but until I get a commitment I’m still dating. Hes the only one im having sex and fun with right now. Only time will tell. It is what it is. We are enjoying sex together but beyond that we are friends. I value and cherish the friendship more than anything. As long as I am honest with myself  

  18. 18
    Karl R

    Darci said: (#14)
    “This is so true. It’s actually true for everybody. I think people say what they mean and we just rationalize it into what we want them to mean.”

    It’s true for most people. You can find exceptions, but it’s a good general rule.

    Listen to what people say. Listen to what they don’t say.

    The classic example is the blind date who is described as having a “great personality.” Translated: she’s ugly. Because if she was attractive, that would have been explicitly stated.

    Spiral asked: (#15)
    “Why would a man do this? Why would a man want to ‘keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE’?”

    Do you have any friends who you like hanging out with, but you would never confide in them? WHY?? Why have them as semi-friends?

    Probably because they’re fun to hang around with, buth they’re not trustworthy or reliable or understanding or discreet enough for you to confide in them.

    Someone could be fun to date or fun in bed, but still be a lousy long-term partner (or especially a lousy long-term partner for me).

    Spiral asked: (#15)
    “Is it really just for sex? Is that all men truly want?
    Or is it just that sex is what THIS man wants at THIS time with you, and in a different stage in his life and maybe even with a different woman, he would be perfect husband material?”

    That’s reasonably accurate.

    But if he’s not interested in being your husband, then he is not perfect husband material for you. Find someone else.

    Jess said: (#9)
    “But if you don’t risk, there’s no reward.”

    Hopefully you’re not referring to the sex as the risk. If you see sex as being it’s own reward, go ahead and have sex. If you see it as a risk, then you should probably hold off.

    If you’re talking about the risk of getting hurt, that’s something you’ll have to learn to embrace. In my perspective, if a relationship doesn’t work out, I run the risk of getting hurt. If it does work out, then I’ve guaranteed that I’ll eventually get hurt.

    By accepting that it’s going to happen, it’s no longer a risk that I need to fear.

  19. 19
    Alicia

    Evan, I’m a sophomore in college and started my first serious relationship the beginning of freshman year. We slept together (both virgins) after being in a relationship for three to four months. It was literally an insane relationship and the Dean of Student Life even got involved! I don’t want to share all the details here, but although I’ve been slowly improving in the way I handle men and relationships (before, I had zero experience), but after reading your articles a few weeks ago, I’ve literally been reborn with a new mindset. I can more clearly see everything, the mistakes and the good parts. Thank you so much for your blog. It provides a very unique and well-informed perspective that I can’t seem to find from any other online source, which are nearly all written by women. Thanks a bunch!

  20. 20
    JoC

    Joe, I’m going to assume you didn’t read my reply properly, because if you had, you would have read my whole paragraph on why I would NOT sleep with a man on a date because I don’t want post date drama. How instead I choose to have self respect and boundaries on my dates so that men don’t think they can take advantage of me. You would have also read my ending line where I advise women not to sleep with a man because he will definitely see them as a booty call if they do. I was basically reiterating everything Even has advised about having boundaries and so thanks for the advice – but I think you were reading a completely different post to the one I made. I’m not really sure how you came to the conclusion that I was saying I sleep with men and I’m tired of post date drama lol – my entire reply was about how I AVOID having those problems by making different choices with men. If women choose to approach dates differently and keep their boundaries, they can avoid a lot of the problems the women Evan is talking about have. Luckily for me, I’m not one of those women! SO yeah…I totally agree with you – that’s why I wrote a whole reply about it lol.

  21. 21
    moe

    People are dumb. I dont ever sleep around UNLESS hes already my man. Why cant people close their legs and open their mind first?
    After reading this article, I just feel sad for all those women who put up with men with these behaviors. Its childish.
    Grow up please.

    1. 21.1
      Vanesa

      AMEN TO THAT!

  22. 22
    Ria

    l think the major problem with this is that there is no woman on earth, who would, subconsciously or consciously, want to be downgraded or considered as *booty call* in a man´s mind, esp, if he is cute. (Show me one woman who does, and drinks are on me).
    Instead, what happens, is that if a charming guy comes along, he makes us feel so good, that we belive, that there is a potential for more. Esp, if we have some problematic relationship history or just plain habbit of wearing rose tinted glasses in times, tht previously has lead into disaster, and we havent learned the lesson.

    Tricky-tricky. 

       

    1. 22.1
      Natalie

      Don’t downgrade the bootycall, sometimes were to busy for a relationship, not ready for a boyfriend or a girlfriend…as, long as, your safe and realize that the relationship is only for sex. Why is there a, problem? If you are honest in your booty call relationship there isn’t a problem. End it when feelings, or, the future goggles go on bc it’s not a bf/gf relationship. But it’s fun and silly till you are ready for something serious. I love a booty call, but drinks are on me ;)

      1. 22.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        It’s not a matter of “downgrading” the booty call, it’s a matter of being honest with ourselves. Rather than being “honest” about a “booty call” relationship, I am being honest, that I do not want that at all. I am ready for something serious now. Why would I waste time that I could be cultivating a real relationship for a booty call ?

        I would rather bide my time with my hobbies, spending time with friends and family and home improvement, than in a dead end booty call non-relationship.

        That’s just me. Different strokes for different folks.

        1. Natalie

          This is true, If you know you are ready for a relationship don’t waste time in a dead end relationship, booty call or mess around with people playing around.
          I was referring to how “Ria” Comment “l think the major problem with this is that there is no woman on earth, who would, subconsciously or consciously, want to be downgraded or considered as *booty call* in a man´s mind, esp, if he is cute.”
          I am being realistic, it would not be healthy for me on a personal level to be in or actively pursing Mr. Right, right now, I just ended a 4 year relationship. I am young, and need to focus on bettering my self my career, goals and ambitions right now instead of putting my time and energy into another relationship or pursing, I casually go out (every so often).
          I know and am fully aware when someone feels they are “playing” me or “scoring” (if I so choose to sleep with someone) Where they feel they have outwitted, charmed or seduced me into bed, the simple fact of the matter, I know its not a relationship, I know I won’t be seeing them everyday for the rest of my life, and I know I probably won’t be seeing them 6 months from now, maybe not a month from now, And that could just be a date, not sleeping with someone, With a booty call in mind, its fun, and generally both party’s are doing their damn best to play the other party, to get what they want from the bootycall arrangement they have. Its fun and games, silliness till your ready to move on to something more sophisticated, to a potential life partner, and lets face it till your ready for that, you can get a little lonely.
          My problem inlays with the word Booty Call, as if the word was a sin in itself, we live in a very progressive age, and when the word booty call is used, it is assumed the person in question in a female, well I booty call, men. what I am trying to get across is that don’t use the word booty call, and make it a negative when it isn’t necessarily a negative, and if you are sure as hell don’t apply it to only women. 

  23. 23
    anna

    Women should also listen (read) to Dr. Path Allen. 
    Strongly recommend her to understand why you should not sleep with a men unless you are in committed relationship. there is actual science with hormones and chemicals behind it.

  24. 24
    Julie

    When my ex said “I don’t want to marry you” I tried to reason with him that maybe he just needed more time, the next morning I woke up and ended it with him. From that point I promised I would take men at their words. A man means what he tells you, you can’t convince him otherwise.

  25. 25
    Emma

    Evan, or Karl (because you’re just as wise),

    How do you word it to a guy that you want exclusivity/commitment first before sex without it coming off as an ultimatum?

    And, do you bring up the subject casually or wait until you think sex is imminent? 

    1. 25.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Emma, please, pick up a copy of Why He Disappeared. Everything you want to know is in there. And there’s a money-back guarantee if you’re not satisfied.

  26. 26
    Nicole

    It’s weird how women think they can sneak their way into a relationship by sleeping with someone and then just passively hoping it makes him your boyfriend.

    A man who wants to be your boyfriend won’t be ambiguous about it.  

    Sleeping with someone and then being scared to ask what it means is your answer.  You can’t “rock” anything with someone who isn’t dating you, and being passive but making yourself available for sex isn’t a way to backdoor your way into having an actual boyfriend/relationship.  

    So you should be calm and easygoing and let someone who wants to be with you step to the plate, but you should not SLEEP with someone who hasn’t made it clear that he is committed to you and then think that it makes him your boyfriend b/c you don’t “pester” him.  

    It’s not contradictory to anything else that is on this site.  Too many women think they can have sex with someone and then get shocked when it doesn’t turn into anything more.  

    I think the Millionaire Matchmaker is batty as hell but I saw two episodes of her show and saw a girl who broke the rule about not having sex, which Patty also says you should save for a committed, monogamous relationship.  The girl was shocked and hurt that she slept with the man quickly and then when she asked about a relationship/where they were headed, he was like, “who knows?”  I mean, really, why is that even surprising? 

    Keep your legs closed until you have a talk about it ladies.  The man who doesn’t want to let you get away will let you know it and you don’t have to bug the hell out of him.  Then you know it’s safe to drop your panties. 

    I think the woman above who slept with the man on date 5/2.5 weeks won’t get what she is after either.  If it was safe to do it, you wouldn’t have to wonder after the fact.

  27. 27
    Tina

    Wow, this article is exactly for me, because  as if it mostly describes my last relationship (or non-relationship). 
     
    Yes, he was not talking about love and marriage, but he was talking about taking you me to Paris and Vienna.
     
    Yes, he was not talking about the names of our kids, but he was talking about how special i am to him and that he definitely wants to play a part in my life.
     
    And yeah, he hasn’t promised me anything…except that he promised me that we will meet each other in future and we will be in serious relationship then…’You will see that I’m telling you the truth and we will be together’, said he to me many times.
     
    So, many thanks for this advice Evan: CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.
    Yes, I will. Finally.

  28. 28
    Dave

    The line: Men don’t want to hurt women, is probably as true as how women hate to hurt men. Great article!

  29. 29
    Androgynous

    Sprial, not all men are comfortable using women for sex so you don’t have to feel sad or disillusioned. A hell of a lot of men would just let it go if they find they were not interested in a woman, rather than take advantage of someone who is so obviously keen on them, and who would go the distance in the delusion of a possible relationship. These men have honor and if nothing else, they don’t want the messiness and drama and trauma of having to deal with a distraught woman who thought she was being led up the garden path. They don’t think the resulting fallout of their actions are worth the momentary transient pleasures of the flesh. 
    The men described here by Evan are players and thankfully, there are not too many of them out there.

  30. 30
    Dagaz

    allow me to add few comments regarding waiting for sex/no sex on first dates etc.
    i’ve been married twice – in both cases those were men i had sex with on the first date basically (before we were meeting casually among friends), and i didn’t initiate at all their decisions to propose.
    my worst relationship ever was one where i was waiting for sex for 5 month. when it’s finally happened, it became obvious that it’s dead-end relationship, add here the broken heart, heh))
    chris60 mentioned correctly: it doesn’t matter, at all, for how the relationship will unfold in the future.
     

    1. 30.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Dagaz, a few questions:

      You hopped into bed with two men who later became your ex-husbands.

      How quickly after meeting them did you get married? How long did those marriages last? And what was the reason that they broke up? Thanks for sharing.

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