Men Are Honest. You’re Just Not Listening.

I take my job as your personal trainer for love very seriously.

I try to honor and respect every woman who reads my emails and offer advice that is honest but not too brutal.

But I have to admit, from time to time, I get an email that makes me roll my eyes.

The most recent one was as mercifully short as it was inane. All it said was this:

“What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you?”

To the best of my knowledge, this email was not a joke, but it had me thinking about other obvious questions that had only one possible answer.

“What does she mean when she says she’s not at all attracted to me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’s been faking her orgasms with me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’d rather jump out of a moving car than go out on another date with me?”

Now, to be fair, most women don’t give men such rude, point-blank answers.

What do you actually do instead?

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

You don’t return his calls in a timely fashion.

You date other men until you find one you like better.

You may go out with him again, but you’re not all that into it.

In short, to keep the peace and avoid conflict, you either do the slow fade (not calling him back immediately), or you continue to see him with reservations about your attraction and excitement.

Are you lying to him? Are you trying to hurt him? Are you a commitmentphobe who has no interest in marriage? Are you fickle and always looking for someone better?

I’m guessing the answer is no to all of the above.

Same with us. Except you have trouble seeing that.

Face it:

Men don’t have to say “I love you” to get you in bed.

Men don’t have to commit to you to get you in bed.

All men have to do to get you in bed is be cute, funny, tall, smart, and successful.

And if that’s the case, and we sleep with you based on attraction alone, regardless of whether we have actual FEELINGS for you, it tends to get a little dicey.

This is not me DEFENDING men; this is me, EXPLAINING men.

Listen, we’re just as shocked as you are when you sleep with us on a second date.

But, as you know, this doesn’t mean we want a relationship with you. It just means that we were having fun, we were tipsy, we took a chance, and we scored.

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

Understand that unless he REALLY likes you, the second you leave, he’s thinking about how he can get out of this.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

Understand that he DOESN’T want to hurt you.

Understand that he DOESN’T want you to fall in love with him.

Understand that he DOES want to keep sleeping with you because it’s in HIS self-interest.

And understand that everything he does next is designed to keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE with him.

If he’s excited about you and wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll call you the next day to say, “I had fun, when can I take you out to dinner this week?”

If he’s already planning his exit strategy, he’s not going to say, “I think we made a mistake. Good luck in life.” He’s more likely going to do something like this:

• A one-line text to follow up.
• A few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached.
• Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy.
• A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

And your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him.

This is why I’m saying that men are being honest with you.

He’s not talking about meeting your family.
He’s not talking about taking you away to Paris.
He’s not talking about the names of your kids.
He’s not talking about love and marriage.
Hell, he’s not even talking about dinner and a movie!

He’s mostly keeping in touch with texts and hoping that you coast on your attraction to him without ever second guessing his lack of effort.

He hasn’t lied to you. He hasn’t promised you anything. He hasn’t done anything after sleeping with you that indicates that he’s serious about you.

So, reward this kind man for trying to protect your feelings by…


“It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

He’ll do one of two things:

1) Pick up the phone and call you because you have a burgeoning relationship that’s worth preserving and he can’t stand to let you go.

Or, in all likelihood…

2) He’ll text you, “That sux! Too bad. I understand though. Good luck to you!”

Really, men don’t want to hurt you. Just like you don’t want to hurt them.

So stop blaming them for sleeping with and texting you.

If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth.

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  1. 1

    I need to enlargen this, print it out, stick it in my fridge and read it everyday!  I am so guilty of falling for my vision of what it might be instead of what it is, that I consistently have my heart broken. And at the end of the day, I know it is me to blame.  Thank you Evan, for putting it in black and white. 

    1. 1.1

      Yeah, well basicly it’s not hard to tell if you get the feel that he is as such he’s not for you and or is using you … doesn’t matter what for what matters is you feel that way tell him look your great and all I just don’t’ feel we should be dating maybe hang out as friends… see what he thinks because ha if he does think he’ll be doing a lot of it.

      1. 1.1.1

        bestofme…please write clearer so we understand what you are trying to say. 

      2. 1.1.2

        bestofme said: “maybe hang out as friends”

        Most guys can’t have women just as friends.
        And if a women gets into a relationship, her boyfriend/husband isn’t going to want her hanging out with male friends.

        1. not looking

          one sided relationships do not work . the guy does not want a relationship / live with it

        2. xana

          if a man wants to hang out as friends it’s a good sign –  it’s the best way to get to know each other.

      3. 1.1.3

        It is What it is ….

    2. 1.2

      Wow so so helpful!  I’ve recently went on a 3rd date with an offer to stay over… I didn’t and what do you know the silences started!  It still felt like a let down but I’m hearing it loud and clear especially after reading your coluum ! Thank you

      1. 1.2.1

        Thalia, guess what? You win! I’ve heard that guys will keep dating you just to get some, but they’ll give up if they don’t get any after a few weeks. If you had slept with him, you would have fallen into that trap. Now you know that he wasn’t sincerely interested and you didn’t have to give it up in order to find that out.

      2. 1.2.2

        What exactly do you think you heard?
        Trust me,  after 3 dates & no intimacy, he heard one of 2 thing…

        1) She’s  using me.
        2) She doesn’t like me.

        Thats why he moved on. He was obviously moving toward you & “heard” you standing still, instead of moving toward him.
        Women often make this mistake. 

        1. starthrower68

          It’s interesting how we want people to sleep with us in this culture before we even know if we like them and they like us.

        2. Remove Trap

          Uh, the mistake of not sleeping with him to keep him interested?

          Sorry, but if that’s all that’s keeping him interested, he’s not worth pursuing.
          Sex happens way too early with most dating, so much so that it’s to the point where there’s actually pressure to have sex almost as a matter of course, and if you don’t, you’re apparently being cold and disinterested.
          Sex shouldn’t be something to do to see where you can get the relationship going; it’s where you end up once the relationship has been strongly established.

        3. Bluebell

          There are many ways to show a Man you are into him without jumping in bed right away. Gentle signs of affections, eye contact, flirty conversation etc… In my opinion, a. Man trying to jump in bed right away is looking more for validation than a genuine relationship. It speaks to his insecurities rather than his confidence. It’s OK to wait.

        4. Sarah

          Exactly right. You can be intimate with someone and show interest without having sex. Self control reveals the most

        5. Lena

          What a fantastic point. Let’s face it attraction initiated the connection. Who doesn’t want to sleep with someone they’re attracted too? When I read that post I immediately thought, “what if they think your not interested in them because your playing games and tests and stuff.” Just let things happen and if it doesn’t work out trust and believe sex won’t always make or break a relationship. Though it is does play a huge part. Calm down, be safe, don’t be afraid to take a chance if everything else is good and youve been dsting someone for a while. Life is confusing.

        6. A Lady Friend

          I dont agree. We dont know from the comment that she didn’t convey her level of interest. We only know that he asked for sex on the 3rd date and she declined. Were you expecting her to sleep with him on the 1st or second date. Three dates isn’t a magic number. 

        7. xana

          A man and a woman are stupid if they think they can get to know each other well in 3 dates! Some topics cannot be discussed so quickly and some things cannot be revealed. SO a man who is so impatient  to have sex, after marriage will have an affair when his wife is not around or ill.

    3. 1.3

      I think every girl does this.  I think staying busy is the best when you meet somebody like this and date lots of other guys.

      1. 1.3.1

        Yes I agree, now.  There is a guy I dated for 2yrs and he fell into love. I got to know him after not having sex for 1 month and 1/2. It still was too early.  Now after I found out how insecure he is when he does not get validation.   It is heartbreaking Cuz he does not want to look at his issues. Yet wants to keep the sex. I have know desire to give until I trust again.  Basically it’s dead for at least 5 mths now.  He wants the sex I want the trust.  Toxicity insecurity. .


    4. 1.4

      Are you thick or something, why not try using yr head first for thinking, dont drop yr draws until you have spent sufficient time to get to know them!, you have a connection, not just a physical one, but most importantly an emotional one with them, then you might stand a chance of securing the type of relationship yr after.

  2. 2

    Siggghhh, exactly.

    “It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

    The problem is women don’t have the courage to do this. They don’t want to appear to be a bitch or ‘rock the boat’ where he gets pissed with this ‘attitude’ and walks away. It’s counterintuitive for us to do this. The reality is–this is the MOST EFFECTIVE way of handling these situations. It challenges the man to step up – or not. And leaves both of you to find someone where there’s mutual interest.

    And once a woman gets the confidence and experience with doing this type of messaging, she can start out on the first date with this attitude–in a lighthearted, but ‘serious’ way so he knows exactly what it’s going to take to stay in her life, which again, counterintuitively, creates more attraction to her by him. From my experience, men LOVE it.

    1. 2.1

      Awesome! Thanks for your input.

    2. 2.2

      “The problem is women don’t have the courage to do this”.
      Not sure it’s courage; it’s a lack of self-worth. Took me many years to get to where I am now but trust me…if you don’t have respect for yourself and a true understanding that you are worth quality time from a man, then they will treat you accordingly. This ‘not answering your texts’ (even though they are infrequent); disappearing for months with no communication then expecting you to be all flattered when they do touch base; suddenly wanting you to email instead of texting when all he does is text (a sure sign that his girlfriend is reading his texts and he wants to keep you as a ‘back-door’ friend).  All happened to me from a guy that was very attracted to me but didn’t have the cajones to be honest about it.  We never slept together (he had a girlfriend and I would not). We worked together and had ‘platonic’ dates even after he moved to another job but I think he wanted to keep his hand ‘in play’. Sorry…I made that mistake plenty of times when I was in my 20s and 30s. If a man wants you and you have made your standards clear, and he makes no move to meet you on those terms, then it is time to move on. And I did with a very carefully, non-accusatory worded response to his latest, out of the blue email. And to make it easier on his ego (because I actually have no hard feelings at all and I told him this), I gave him the way to back out gracefully. And he did by never responding to the email. If I was wrong, he would have protested and apologized for his lack of communication.  Done.
      So men will treat you the way you let them.  Eventually, someone will value you but only if you value yourself first!

      1. 2.2.1

        How can you say that making a statement to give yourself closure , is deemed has having a lack of self worth. Its completely the opposite. You are determining how things will go for you, and making known, what is unacceptable and you wont accept anybodys second best.

      2. 2.2.2

        “The problem is women don’t have the courage to do this”.

        Do have the courage please! I was married for ten years when my husband walked out on me. He was not attractive to me sexually so I decided to go on a date to see if my date was attractive to me. He was crazy about me. I slept with him on the second date (never have done this before) and then I asked him how he sees the relationship. He told me that he saw it only sexually and in general he does not like long-term relationships and will only get married to have kids and told me that marriage is like a business. He told me that in general as a person he is not affectionate. Even though I felt that he felt differently, I got up and left and said, ‘Thank you for your time it was fun. I wish you the best and that some day you will have lots of kids.This is the last time you will see me.’He was shocked and said,’You got to be kidding?’ and I said, ‘not at all’ and left.

        It is just not worth it. Do not try to read them or say maybe deep down he cares, it’s just not worth it.If they have psychologically problems or are not ready for commitment, let them sort themselves out. And if they really do care, they will contact you.

        Respect yourself and walk away. Either  you will find someone who respects you or you will stay happily single.

        1. Gloria

          Thank You!

        2. Victoria

          Amen to that statement!!

        3. Kris

          Thank you needed the support!!

        4. Russell

          What would have been better would have been to test him to see if what he was saying was true.  Instead of being so final about it, you should have instead told him that you weren’t looking for a sex buddy, and didn’t like the idea of just having a sexual relationship.  Instead, you should have honestly laid out that you were looking for a real relationship, and explained that you were looking for a guy that steps up to the plate and acts like a real boyfriend in every sense because that is what he wants to be.  It is possible that his surprised expression wasn’t because he was surprised that you didn’t want to see him anymore but that he was surprised that playing it cool did not work.  Most guys these days believe that acting like you want something serious that soon is the fastest way to chase a girl away.  It is very possible that he wanted the same thing you wanted, and he was stunned that you did not feel more comfortable to continue the relationship since he took away all pressure and expectation.  And the truth is, most men have tons of feedback to fall back on that tells them that if they express too much interest in a LTR, too quickly, it always ends up in tears for him.


          So next time, just be honest with him about what you want.  Don’t worry about him just playing along to have sex.  There is a huge difference between a guy playing along to have sex and a guy who is really there for the long haul.  You can feel it because it is really hard to fake genuine interest,


          I like every guy on the planet has had the experience of letting a girl know you wanted an exclusive relationship way too soon, and then seeing her interest in you instantly dry up.  But I assure you that if I had been him, and said that stuff to appear to be only casually interested, to give more time for the relationship to grow, I would have been very happy if you had said, “Well, I really like you, and hoped we could have a serious relationship, or see if one was possible between us, but if sex is really all you want, I’m not interested.  Are you sure sex is all you want, or were you just trying to not scare me away with too much interest too soon?  Because if all you want is sex, I’m not interested, but if you want a real relationship, we can see each other again.”  Maybe you can even say that because of the sexual relationship comment, you are willing to just go on dates with no possibility of sex for a few weeks for both of you to see if you like each other enough for a relationship.  Then just gauge his actual interest.


          At some point, tell the guy you prefer honesty and not the usual games people play.  But even then, expect even nice guys to play it cool in the beginning because it really is true that showing too much interest too soon is the fastest way to never get another date with the woman.  That is our experience, so take it for what it’s worth.

        5. Mya

          Oh, no, I think she handled herself just FIIIIINE. That guy was straight-up with her, it wasn’t what she wanted, and she left. No need to “test” him and give him another chance. If he really did care after all, he had her number–let him get back in touch.

    3. 2.3

      Absolutely on the money with that

    4. 2.4

      No one replies to my thoughts and I don’t really blame them. I am an old curmudgeon – I would think, however, that there might be lessons to learn from someone who has been around and also introspecting on relationships for as long as I have.

      And, as a man, what I conclude is that men, by and large, don’t want “a relationship” with a woman. This is not an “anti woman” statement, just a factual remark. Men have their relationships with other men. Men most often have something in common with other men – areas of interest. Women _tend_ to like other things. Comedians make their living jesting on these differences, but these are real. What men want – pure and simple – is a steady supply of sex. And, their “chemical addiction” (lets say their karmic and chemical predisposition) – causes them to feel this way, and they’ll do _anything_ to get it – including fooling themselves into thinking they can accommodate a woman’s desire for stability, relationship, long-term goals of friendship and family – all of those things we rarely care about at all. If we could have it as we wish, we would be independently wealthy, have regular sex and live by ourselves, perhaps associating with certain women whom they can tolerate. Apologies if this seems jaded or cynical – it’s not – it is the world as I have awakened to it. Recognizing this fact could help women to avoid those men who can never give them what they want and who will simply deliver them and their objectives beyond sex into unhappiness.

      1. 2.4.1

        I will agree that a percentage of men are like this, at least half of all men that I know are like this, but there are some men out there who are different.

        I will be so bold as to say that the men who I know that are like you stated, are typically the alpha males, macho guys, and rednecks.
        Whereas the guys who are more into relationships and ‘her needs’ tend to be more artistic, spiritual, introspective, and in some ways classified as beta males by many people.

      2. 2.4.2

        Geez, you make all men sound like sociopathic robots. I’ve known LOTS of men who genuinely loved the women in their lives and had, like, actual emotions and stuff. Have you considered the fact that maybe it’s just you?

      3. 2.4.3

        Nephre you offer a very interesting perspective. I’m also an old curmudgeon – a female one who has found herself in a very unique situation. I’ve been seeing a man for nearly 6 months. We get along famously. We have similar interests. We’ve never had sex. He doesn’t want to.  And I haven’t cared. But the thought that he isn’t having sex with me because he isn’t attracted to me, is painful. He says that he values my friendship and he feels very comfortable with me. He’s been alone since 1986 and says that every time he meets someone he likes, once sex is introduced, things go south. He assures me his parts are working. We talk daily and see eacother a few times a week. I’m so confused   He confides in me and me to him. I listen to the advice on here and I think I should run. But I care so much for him.  I suppose I should be flattered that he wants my time, and prefers to give it to me  than to someone he might have casual sex with. I am so confused by what you say. My inclination, much to my embarrassment, is to say that he has issues; that he is afraid. When I ask him if the reason he won’t sleep with me is because he isn’t attracted to me, he responds with “maybe that’s it” . Then in the next breath he says he doesn’t have the need to be looking for sex with anyone at this time, and that he is happy with his life the way it is . We always greet  eacother with a hug and kiss.    I know whether I co ntinue on with him is a decision only I can make   I feel at my age, I could comfortably carry on like this for a long time IF I believed that he was content. The fear that he is just passing time with me until he does meet a woman he is attracted to, is a fear that I think I should listen to. I suspect you and Evan would agree:)




        1. Jess

          Search Asexual, sounds like your man may be this.

    5. 2.5

      “They don’t want to appear to be a bitch or ‘rock the boat’ where he gets pissed with this ‘attitude’ and walks away.”

      Personally for me it’s not that Im afraid I will come off bitchy its that Im afraid things will end between us. Im that girl thats always tempted to keep hanging out with this guy hoping it will develop into something more. I know that giving an ultimatum will most likely end any possibility of that.

      As I got older and more confident I realized that clinging to a guy like that wasn’t good and things wouldn’t develop most likely. So yah I basically call out guys straight up and its lead to a lot better results.

    6. 2.6
      Honest girl

      Actually I did this TWICE with two different guys and it was hell. I’m a very direct and honest person, and in return I want the same. I didn’t want a relationship but I didn’t want a casual hook up either, I wanted someone to spend some quality and sexy time you know? We can have dinner or watch a movie, and after that we can go back to my place and have all the sex we want. I love sex, everybody does, but I don’t like just having sex, I like to talk, to do things, casual sex becomes boring, and when I told these guys that I didn’t want to just hook up with them but that I didn’t want to be her girlfriend they were terrified; After explaining everything to one of the, I remember him telling me: BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, I DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW(I was so pissed at the moment because I literaly told him; I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU, I just wanna fuck you and do some little things with you) The other one was more understanding and told me that he couldn’t  spend quality time if he wasn’t in love with me, he thought it was fake. Ok fair enough, I told him It that was the end of it because we wanted different things, at first he was okay, then he was pissed, and after everything he continued talking to me.

      I know you don’t want to go out with me fucking moron, but having just casual sex with you is FUCKING BORING. At first they were like ok, it’s all good, we just want different thing, bye. But then they came back begging to be with me, and I’m a very open minded person, I thought: maybe they understood what I’m saying, so I let them come back, BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER.

      What I’ve learned of this is that if you want something that the other person is not willing to give you just let them go. Even if you are honest with them they will be scared because men can’t hear a women tell them the fucking truth.

      1. 2.6.1

        having little things and sex IS a relationship!!!

  3. 3
    Sheba Wheeler

    WOW. Brilliant! Sharing this with my friends right now on FB.

  4. 4
    my honest answer

    Evan, this is pure gold! I get ‘what does it mean’ questions all the time! And usually the answer is: it means they’re not that into you. I don’t know why we all look for hidden meanings when sometimes the meaning is so clear.

  5. 5


    She can “start out on the first date with this attitude, so he knows exactly what it’s going to take to stay in her life?” I don’t think that’s what Evan is saying. I think he’d advise against projecting an “attitude.” Unless it’s one of pure positivity. That’s not to say a woman shouldn’t feel protective of herself and her feelings, but it shouldn’t be visible to the guy she’s on a date with. Even if she tries to convey it lightheartedly (which never works. Like how making “jokes” on a date about being the oldest single woman in your office doesn’t make one seem laidback, it makes one seem insecure).

  6. 6

    Liz #5, I couldn’t disagree more, and it’s about a confidence attitude, not a nasty attitude–and I mentioned confidence (and experience) in the sentence right before the one you quoted, sorry you missed my point.  Please tell me one person who does not like confidence in another person–man or woman.

    When I’m dating (and successfully by the way), I’m not protective of myself, I want to be open, loving and in my feminine energy–not closed off and protective and paranoid.  And believe me, men pick up on our energy even when they think we are the best at ‘acting’ (and what man wants a woman who is not herself?)

    What I do exhibit is a sense of humor about myself and life, an understanding and appreciation of men (and women) and a confidence that I know who I am (good stuff and not so good stuff) and I know what I want out of life–perfection is not one of them.  I have standard little sayings I say to men which get my point across and always gets a laugh.   Bottom line, it’s about me evaluating whether they might be a good partner for me and what it might take for them to put themselves in the best position to do that–NOT the other way around where I’m trying to tiptoe around and be who I think he wants me to be in the hopes he likes me.  Once a woman can AUTHENTICALLY adopt this attitude, she will have men lining up to be her boyfriend.

  7. 7

    It’s a hard life being a woman in the dating world.
    One minute we’re told men like to take their time over decided about women, they don’t like making immeditate decisions about a girl in their life, women have to be patient and not too clingy to let a new encounter ‘breathe’ and give the man the space he needs to work out his feelings. So, when a man isn’t calling us we’re told, ‘just give him time, he’s probably genuinely busy’ and we’re told to wait and back off, or we’ll ‘scare him off’ and ruin what could have been a great relationship. Next, we’re being told, if a guy isn’t calling in the next 24-48 hours and acting interested in you, you should cut him off because guess what? If he’s not acting interested in you – he’s not interested in you! So on the one hand we’re being told a guy will let you know if he is interested and communicate that with you quickly and the other, saying men are slower creatures than women, they need time to process things and trying to ‘check in’ with them will be counter productive or cutting them off because they seem disinterested could be a mistake, because he was just seconds away from decided you were the woman of his dreams bla bla bla.
    No wonder we struggle!
    I can’t be bothered to worry over all of this ‘post date’ drama or what to do and what not to do after a date. I focus instead of how I am going into a date in the first place and what type of man I am choosing to date. If I want to be respected, and if I want to be treated like the ‘wife material’ I know I am, then first of all, I am not going to date men who are obviously players. I am also going to make sure that I am not coming across as ‘booty call’ material on the date either. That way, if I made a mistake with the man I chose and he IS secretly a player, he still won’t be able to use me as a booty call because I won’t let him. I will be respectful on the date, I will have appropriate ‘first date’ boundaries, I will be classy, I won’t be all over him and I definitely won’t sleep with him.
    Men use women as ‘booty calls’ because the woman has subconsciously or consciously given him the impression that they CAN be used as booty calls. If you don’t want to have to go through all of this drama about whether this guy really likes you or is just using you post dating/sleeping with him, go back to the beginning and check you’re going into a date in the future with the right type of man (this means removing your blinkers about what type of man you are just HOPING he secretly is) and also that you are coming across as the type of woman that a man would not dream of mis-treating (are you wearing something sexy, but modest, or just down right trashy and are you being too ‘available’ to him and giving him the impression that he can just have you if he wants you? Are you being too ‘eager’ are you making it clear that you’re up for sex?). Don’t give him even the slightest reason to assume you can be used – because, like Evan says, if a man thinks he can get away with something – he will. Obviously, I don’t think I have to state that sleeping with a guy on the first date will nearly always separate you from the women he will respect and treat well and the women he knows he can use for sex later on.

    1. 7.1

      you nailed that shit completely 

    2. 7.2

      “American” men.

      1. 7.2.1

        Men all over the world lol

    3. 7.3

      Just read your post you have got it down to a T reading this has made my mind up on a situation thanks

    4. 7.4

      Why, when casual sex happens, do you assume it’s US being used? I absolutely want to put out on the first date (safely of course) because I want to know that compatibility is there. If it isn’t, I’m not wasting time. I also want to know if he’s going to call once he gets what he wants, before I get too attached. And hell, I want to get laid.

      If anything, I’m using him. Or we are both using each other or nobody is using anybody and we’re just  having sex.

      I don’t like that you automatically assume we’re always being used in these scenarios, as if women are too hysterical to manage casual sex, by default.

  8. 8
    Lori Allen

    Oh how funny well my first love was a “Dan” but after deciding to go our separate ways after 8 years of a serious relationship. I was in a strange spiral of short term romance and some  booty call relationships for the past 5 years. Now after seeing the light again as to what I want in my love life for the future, I just said pretty much those lines Evan had suggested to a “Reid,” “Michael,” and a “James” in the past 6 months. 2/3 disappeared but one just wants to keep hanging on, and now I am interested in someone else. It feels SO great to regain the power and know what fulfills you best in a relationship when one side pulls away. They do not want YOU, so WHY stick around for THEM?

  9. 9

    I just had my 5th date in 2.5 weeks with a new guy last night, and we slept together for the first time.  I’m trying not to worry about whether or not he’ll follow up (we already texted each other last night after I got home).  There’s nothing I can do to control what he does or doesn’t do from here on out.  If he is the man I hope he is, he’ll follow through.  If not, he’s not the one for me.  This has been the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn as a late bloomer to the dating game.  But if you don’t risk, there’s no reward.

    1. 9.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Jess – there is something you could have done. You could have not slept with him until there was a commitment. If he steps up, you get your reward. If he doesn’t, there was no risk.

      1. 9.1.1

        Whats the risk in sleeping with him :S?

      2. 9.1.2

        @Even Marc Katz they say they don’t want commitment unless you sleep with them

        1. twinkle

          @Des: And u believe them? Anyway even if a minority of guys think that way, there are still billions of other men to choose from. Frankly I think they may sense your inner weakness and so they take advantage of that with emotional blackmail. Because I can’t recall a guy ever pulling that BS line with me or with my close girlfriends.

          Women used to try to not have sex until marriage. Not having sex until a committed relationship (if the woman wants that) is already a compromise between the sexes.

      3. 9.1.3

        Girls, I dont know about other men, but I will never commintment to a girl that play games to me, if she like to sleep its ok, if not then again ok but she s off my life, I dont like she control me with sex… If you dont know it, a man s mind think sex 7 times more than a woman! My opinion: dont try to play games, you will get a game…

      4. 9.1.4

        This does not work either, because many men will say they are commit and will even show it to you to get you into bed then they leave.

        1. Karmic Equation

          Men don’t leave women they like.

          If a man sleeps with you then is never to be seen again, then that means he never really liked you.

          That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unlikeable.

          What it means is that you allowed YOUR liking of HIM to cloud your judgment on whether on not HE likes you.

          If you can’t tell if he likes you, then don’t sleep with him.


        2. Lily

          Well, Karmic Equation, it’s not just about if HE likes ME. I definitely need to sleep with him at least once to see if I like him. Then if that goes well for both of us, we will talk about being exclusive. Unfortunately, everything else can be a go, but just talking about sex is not the same as experiencing it.  I once dated a man who was intelligent, handsome, responsible, etc and seemed to be a sexual match. Then when I slept with him, his only comments were about how well HE came. Those of us who are middle-aged divorcees do not want to be in a bad sexual relationship. Been there, done that. If I sleep with a man I like and am never to be seen again, it means I felt we were not well matched sexually.

        3. Karmic Equation


          Sexual compatibility and “liking” are not the same thing.

          As you already are aware, you can like someone without being sexually compatible. And sometimes when you’re sexually compatible, he can be a bad partner, so he’s not emotionally/relationship-compatible.

          Sleeping with a guy to determine whether you like having sex with him is fine.

          But if a man doesn’t call YOU back — well, there’s a joke about that by a male comedian — for a man “When sex is good, it’s pretty good; when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”

          So if a man sleeps with you and doesn’t come back, for HIM it’s not because he didn’t like sex with you, it’s because he didn’t like you.

          I agree with you, for women, it’s because he was a bad lover. But men don’t filter this way. So don’t delude yourself if men don’t contact you after sex it’s because he found you and he were sexually incompatible. Most men do not filter this way.

  10. 10

    @JoC, #7 – very good point, indeed)))
    or it’s indefference, or it’s a “time needed”, both are with absolutely the same symptoms.
    doctor, what’d you say here?..
    IMHO, if man truly is interested, he won’t take so much time to catch up with his extra sensitive feelings, like 19-century timid aristocratic miss, really.
    instead, he will be polite (calling you next day), caring (inviting to spend more time together) and just will be happy to be around you.
    all those talks about “i need time” is not more than an excuse. or game-playing.
    cest la vie.

  11. 11

    the fact that he REALLY LIKES you does not mean he wants a relationship with you, right Evan?

    1. 11.1

      Correct. Well, sort of. Being friends with benefits isn’t really a bad thing, as long as both parties know the score.
      We can really, REALLY like each other and enjoy ‘quality’ time, without being each other’s main squeeze.
      Like a lonely valentines day comes around, friends can.. comfort each other.

      1. 11.1.1

        yes this. Exactly. My male FWB seems to be getting jealous and possessive though. I don’t like that. It seems in these scenarios somebody is always getting hurt. They say they can handle it but they can’t. He always refers to our hookups as “our life”. It’s not our life, mate. We don’t have a life. We have lives that touch sometimes.
        I het that he has some feelings. I do too. I like being with him. But why the jealousy? Why the possessiveness? If a guy tells me I look cute today, he gets a weird face on. It’s ruining everything.

        1. Christine

          Well, I’m wondering–do you think that he secretly wants something more serious?  The reason I ask is that he refers to the hookups as “our life”.  It’s interesting that he uses that phrase because my boyfriend also talks about “our life” (but in my case that’s true because it’s a serious relationship and we really do have a life together)

          Or I’m wondering if he’s afraid that you might enter a serious relationship with someone else, and then he’d lose his sexual outlet!  And he doesn’t feel like going through the effort to find another FWB to replace you if/when you opt out.

          I did see a case like this, with friends of mine who were in a FWB relationship with each other.  He once told me that despite being attracted to her, he could never see himself in a relationship with her because they’re very different people (which I agreed with).

          So imagine my surprise when I once mentioned to him that she was seeing someone, and he looked so dismayed.  I’m still scratching my head over how he didn’t like her being with someone else, although he didn’t want to be with her either–I thought that’s what their arrangement and understanding was.

          He was always genuinely happy for me whenever I was seeing someone, so I don’t know why he couldn’t do the same for her.  Who knows, maybe it really was that different with me since I never slept with him (we really are just friends, with no benefits)

          Go figure.  FWB is good in theory but in reality, it’s really hit and miss in terms of how it works.

  12. 12

    @ JoC: what Evan is trying to tell you is that sleeping with a guy isn’t necessarily going to make him want to be your BF.  He might, eventually, but not really because you slept with him.  If you want to avoid the “post date drama” with a guy, don’t sleep with him.

  13. 13

    This is so true. It’s actually true for everybody. I think people say what they mean and we just rationalize it into what we want them to mean.

    It has taken me years, decades in fact, to learn that when my ex-husband said he really didn’t want children, he meant it (and it shows in his relationship with our kids). When my ex-lover told me that he really didn’t want to settle down, he meant it. It even works for women. My friends say what they mean and then either I try to warp into what I wish they meant or they back track and try to cover it up because it obviously hurt my feelings.

    Actually, now that I’ve learned these lessons fewer and fewer people in my life back track. I’ve learned to look at reality and accept it, and then do something about it.  When you go out with someone who isn’t acting the way you want them to act, find somebody else. Or you could just go get yourself a pedicure or a massage or an evening out with a great friend. Treat yourself well and listen to the truth. Anything else is just spinning your wheels. 

  14. 14

    This is a very honest and blunt description of men, Evan. Thank you for posting this.
    But I read this and felt sad and annoyed and disillusioned.
    I can’t help thinking: WHY??
    Why would a man do this? Why would a man want to “keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE”?
    Is it really just for sex? Is that all men truly want?
    Or is it just that sex is what THIS man wants at THIS time with you, and in a different stage in his life and maybe even with a different woman, he would be perfect husband material?

    1. 14.1

      Because men have a strong need for sex. Even good men. And they want to have it with women they trust. It doesn’t mean they are actively trying to hurt you or use you, just trying to get their needs met as we are.

      1. 14.1.1

        Truth is, it doesn’t matter how strong your drive is. Doing that to others is not excusable, just like using others into paying your bills or for your home would be wrong as well. Men are simply conditioned to pursue sex no matter who it hurts. We all want sex, it is not required to survive, so that is a bogus excuse, I’m sorry. You simply do not have to use others to fulfill your needs (yes, I would say that they are trying to use you, let’s not defend it).

        1. lysel

          T I agree with you. It’s like saying thank you for fulfilling my lust.

        2. Zoep

          Thank you T!  This is the part that is often left out of these conversations on this topic.  Not addressing it always leaves me questioning.  

        3. Billy

          All have to do with “needs”, if you dont cover his obviously needs then why he cover yours needs, here is give and take, if you dont give, then why he gives. He think you use him! Its a circle which need to end and only love can do it, and a real man have always fears about how is best way to do it, not confidence, especially on the begining of a relationship…

    2. 14.2

      The latter. The article clearly states that there are guys who are interested. If he’s not, here’s what you can expect.


      Just because a guy isn’t into you as a partner, it doesn’t mean all men are like this. It doesn’t even mean this guy is like this. It means this guy doesn’t have feelings….. for you.

  15. 15

    This sounds like great advice Evan. Women should play the game and withhold sex. And an even better game is to be like a man and have sex then flick him off for being cheap. And an even better game is to get a man who values “independence”, sleep with him and then when he calls for a repeat hook up tell him: “Gee, you value independence and don’t want a serious relationship so I’ll leave you alone. Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” Do you want to know something, that gets him livid and chasing like a greyhound after a bunny as IT IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL. The men who push for sex with no intention of committing will wine and dine for ages and spin the lines and then dump you regardless. So the advice falls flat. Besides, men dislike princesses and grow tired of paying money for no return. And here’s a bit of a tip – it’s a power trip to pay for a woman and then think you have bought her!! Any man who flashes the wallet to impress may turn into Mr Possessive later. Let him pay but you owe him nothing in return. If he thinks he can buy you like an object then he’s not worth knowing. And if you think you can hook him into wanting you or owing you if you have sex then also be prepared for the cruel fact that neither of you really owe each other anything beyond mutual sexual gratification. If you like sex and also want a serous relationship to develop problems will evolve as you hurt yourself by withholding sex and run the risk of being seen as cheap if you love sex and have sex too soon. Sex is not intimacy – it’s just sex if it has no emotional connection involved. Intimacy takes time to develop, but sex is what acts as a catalyst to make a full relationship.

    Relationship will or will not develop and it really does not matter if you have sex on the first date or wait six months. This does not ensure the relationship will continue. Both sexes can be insecure and confused when it comes to sex and intimacy, and there is no stock guide to say what will or will not cause a serious relationship to develop. Timing? Luck? Compatibility? Both having evolved to the point of being willing and capable of intimacy helps a lot. Stop making excuses and learn to set firm limits and boundaries and be open and honest about what you want, expect and need to avoid confusion or the melt down later.

    1. 15.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Chris60 – Your sarcasm is charming. And your inference that I suggest playing games couldn’t be further from the truth. If you can sleep with a guy, enjoy yourself, and not have any emotional attachments to whether he calls you, go ahead. No judgment here. But if you get hurt after sleeping with a guy who doesn’t call, literally the ONLY way to protect yourself in the future is to clarify whether you’re exclusive BEFORE you have sex. It’s not a game. It’s not manipulative. It’s 100% authentic. It basically tells a man that – for you – sex is reserved for boyfriends, not for cute strangers who’ve put in a few hundred bucks over three dates. The guy then has two choices: bail because he just wants sex, or stick around to see if he wants to be your boyfriend. Either way, you have your answer.

      1. 15.1.1

        I completely agree that all this article is doing is perpetuating women to play the male mind games. I don’t see any suggestion of honest, open communication on the part of the man here?

        1. Marie

          Male mind games? Look no. This is how men think. I grew up surrounded by men. My friends are boys. I get along better with men than women. I’m used to them and they’re totally like this and it’s not malicious. They’re not lying or being passive aggressive or otherwise manipulating you. They’re doing what they can to have the kinds of relationships they want. Just like women do. And women play their fair share of games too. Way more complex and terrifying than guys. These dudes… Honey they are at the top of their game here.

      2. 15.1.2

        What about men who play “boyfriend” just to get sex? It happens allll the time. I’m not seeing anything in this article to go by. Until Mr. Katz tries the dating world as a woman, I’m not taking one iota of advice.

      3. 15.1.3

        I agree with most things Evan say most of the times, and I prefer his advice to others’ because I’ve seen much worse as far as playing games.
        I like the fact the Evan doesn’t promise us that we can manipulate any man we want and that instead we have to quickly let go of who doesn’t seem interested.
        But I must admit that it’s not always so simple. Women are not simple, and neither are men.
        If I hadn’t experienced it myself I would not believe it, but I had always been very honest and straightforward from the beginning of every relationship and still I got hurt by a man who quickly called me his girlfriend, waited for a couple of months to have sex, invited me and his parents over dinner to get to know each other, talked a lot about the future, let me book time off for his birthday to spend a holiday together and… He actually saw me only as a challenge. After having sex he stopped talking about the future and started treating me as a booty call. He took me a few months to realize. Needless to say, I had to cancel the holiday 🙁

        1. Fran

          PS. sorry for any wrong spelling and sloppy sentences, I posted without proof-reading it… I hope it’s still clear.

      4. 15.1.4

        This is all very good advice, but really I think that there is no way to tell what a guy wants other than entertainment and power :/ Sorry Even and all other men reading this, I have only met and date one true man. I regret not have sex with him…out of fear he would change. All men change after the “game” and it is only one way or the other. They like you more, or less Chris you bring up a good point..what if you enjoy sex, but like a man want to have it with a man you can trust. Why is it that when you are open and honest, that a guy still feels the need to lie? Say things like you’re the only girl I’m sleeping with (but later when you drop by story find a mini can in the driveway and he open the door half way with no shirt on and says he is busy can he call you later? Doesn’t it make them feel good to know they have yospinning wired up just like they want it? Does it make the sex better to get her to like you more than she data red she was willing to give of her emotioas by saying sweet nothing’s? That is what they are and should be recognized as…should I never give any man the benifit of the doubt? Seems like a whole lot of work for something so simple and for so basic of an action as sex and the feeling of intimacy. I don’t want to date a guy and “withhold” sex, I think that we do put too much power behind tht action…I I liked a guy allot andated went on a few dates, some he spent money some he didn’t after a few months we finally got around to it. Well I like him very mischievous and he didn’t call me for a week, when he did he said he couldn’t wait to see me again…I was hurt by this and took advice similar and told him that I like to take things slower. I could hear the hurt in his voice, he didn’t call me for a long time after and he hasn’t been the same towards me, the intamacy w were buildig never grew beyond that. Just awful and confusing to try and do it the “right” way. 

      5. 15.1.5

        Why do you pander to her Evan? Her sarcasm, such as it is, is all about the games. It’s about the idea that men have made it clear that they value sex about all things and have made this desire apparent to the majestic holders of sexual power. Since they know we want it, it’s all about the games in their heads. Why pander? We need to turn it off. We, as men, need to turn our attention away from them. It is _we_ who have given them this power. We need to remove it. We need to remove ourselves. You cannot use logic with people who make absolutely no commitment to logic because logic requires honest and consistency. This conversation has simply gone on too long.

      6. 15.1.6

        My friends and I always talk about this;  a casual sexual relationship.   Why is that so difficult to attain with a guy?   It’s a monogamous sexual relationship between two trusting adults,  with no intent on committing.   But,  for some reason,  It’s always only black or white.

        1. Nephre

          Sad truth. Too much baggage I guess. It’s only happened to me once. The individual appeared to be pleased with what went on, but did not want to see it happen more than that once. Maybe that’s ok. All others want a “direction” to the relationship. Why?  Why not just have fun and be happy?

    2. 15.2

      If you know what players and users look like you will realize they are very transparent; right from day one. Playing pretend boyfriend is energy depleting. Their best targets are naive unsuspecting women who are not even aware men could be that deceitful. The point of holding on until you have exclusivity and commitment is therefore not meant to drag things along until you hear the word “boyfriend”. Rather it’s meant to buy you time to observe genuine character traits that shows genuine interest. So that by the time he asks for exclusivity (if he does), YOU would have figured if he is a relationship material at all or not. If you are not paying attention to mixed signals and inconsistencies during the period, it is as useless as having sex on date one and hoping it will sustain his interest.

      1. 15.2.1

        OMG, Eve, this is brilliant. I am that naive and unsuspecting woman at age 49 after a long marriage. Just got my heart broken by the THIRD man in the last two years who totally played boyfriend to hook me for sex until he grew tired of me and found some fresh meat. I was snookered every single time, I’m still reeling from the last one because we had a friendship for more than a year. Turns out it was just a very long con. One month into dating and my friend found him on Tinder, after a very clear agreement to be exclusive. I thought he was always such a nice guy. He was a total player and I learned he cheated in all his relationships. Your advice is exactly what I needed to be told.

  16. 16
    Katherine Wakefield

    At the end of the day if you sleep with a man, this is YOUR decision, so be sure that’s what you want to do!  If he disappears you cant blame him, he didn’t promise you anything and you slept with each other by mutual agreement.  
    This is because women attach emotionally to a man with sex and read a lot more into it than a man does.  But men and women think differently!
    As Evan says its how the man behaves afterwards that will tell you if hes interested.  They are your signs to understand him, by his actions, not that he slept with you.

    1. 16.1
      Jen Q.

      I think the problem a lot of us have with this post and this way of thinking is that it presumes this:

      Man A and woman B meet.  They have chemistry, they have a rapport.  One thing leads to another, and the attraction overrides the common sense and they have sex on the first, second, third date.  I’m not sure when it’s supposed to feel okay to do it; a lot of guys want to “win” so badly, that they WILL hold out for a long time just to get the girl in bed, and will no more commit to the relationship than it she’d gone for it the first night.  Then he’ll be gone. Well, the two months of distracting horniness, that was sure worth it, huh?

      A lot of us grew up with the standard that a guy “expects” sex by the third date and I have seen that in play.  Truth, he has no right to expect it period, especially if she’s paying her own way on dates (which is the best reason why a woman should).  This article reveals the mentality that if a Man A and Woman B get together, she is the one who should know how he is thinking and deal accordingly with the consequences of her choice, and that she’s signed off to be a f*** buddy at best, and some slut he went with one night at worst.  What gives any human being the right to write another off that way?  He, on the other hand, boys will be boys, men will be men, and he’s under no obligation whatsoever to adjust HIS thinking to include the notion that maybe they have chemistry there that’s so strong they had to do it right away because there’s really something there between them, and that relationship should be investigated and given a real chance with an open heart and an open mind.

      I do agree that there’s a lot to be said for finding out if you like someone and they like you before you go there.  In fact, my last relationship was so painful, that added to a couple of friends who disappointed me at the same time, I have decided I will never accept or offer the words “I love you” in anything less than one year of knowing somebody.

      Men never seem to be asked to learn that sometimes sex is not just a bodily function, but a sign.  I am always reading about how important sex is to them….hey, it happens to be pretty darned important to some of us too.  I just have my mind attached to my body enough that I’m not looking to discard a person just because I slept with him fast.

      And then they wonder why they wind up in sexless marriages or are bored 8, 10, 20 years down the road.  If they hadn’t had such a madonna-whore complex going on, maybe they’d have married the one who knew how to take care of business, really well, and without inhibition.

  17. 17
    Katarina Phang

    As one of the few (or perhaps many?) women who could care less if a guy sticks around after sex, I can tell you that no drama is necessary before or after sex.  It’s about relentless self-confidence that whatever happens, happens in your best interest.  If he disappears, good…he saves you time and energy.  If he sticks around, good…enjoy him while it lasts.

    But what seems to always work with me is to focus on my own well-being.  I may not know where he stands but as long as we share positive moments when we are together, I will stick around.  Yet at the same time I know how to protect myself but not going all the way emotionally on him which means I keep my options open till he steps up to the plate.

    No drama, just solid great fun time that enriches my life and contributes to my happiness.   If he doesn’t find me worthy of his commitment after all this, I have at least used him to raise my Goddess vibration that will attract the right guy eventually.  And it’s his loss.

    And about booty call?  It works both ways.  It’s not an issue for me. 🙂 

    1. 17.1

      totally agreeed with you on this!! !! we have to think this way as a woman!!

    2. 17.2

      I agree Katarina 100%.  I have enjoyed sexual encounters with no strings or emotional attachments..  Have even had a “one night stand” if you will, with my crush, who started seeing someone steadily for awhile only to find him calling again only after a short time with this new girl… I mean if He wants to play i’m game.. I’m all for fun and no GAMES!!! 🙂

      1. 17.2.1

        You are the side chick second choice why would you wanna be that women? Gain down self respect its not cute girl.

    3. 17.3

      I can only say… Lucky you! 😛
      If I focus on my well being I know that I need to wait and feel safe… Unfortunately I am not able to have no emotional attachment with a person I sleep with. Not saying this is either a good or bad thing, only very unlucky 🙁

      1. 17.3.1

        Fran- I totally get you on having emotions for guys you have sex with. I’ve even found myself ‘creating’ emotions JUST because I had sex with a friend. Then I make them my boyfriend. Some will be and some just stay friends. And I go through hurt feelings FOR NO REASON other than when I have had sex with a friend (I’m talkin friends I hadn’t considered as more and wasn’t particularly attracted to) then a good night of connecting and drinking and feet up to the ceiling fan lol) suddenly I’m daydreaming, singing love songs and happy (until rejected) but yeah. Ive found it MAKES me llove ppl I wasn’t gonna love. So -now 44- I learned- there is no ‘casual’ sex for me. ..weird(?)

    4. 17.4

      Wow! Katrina, I admire your strength.  I hope I can develop that mindset and have it stick too me.  Problem is I do get attached emotionally and physically when I find them so funny, handsome and smart.  I am now seeing my neighbor and agreed after being alone for along time to be a friend and a lover, yes the  booty call…where I can not seem to draw the line…I know he is not wanting a relationship right now he just got out of a five year one.  I have now been sleeping and hanging around him for a year coming this October…I have my heartaches with this situation, because I love and adore him so much.  He is so form fitting too me and just looking at his face sends me to another planet.  He tells me he wants to always have me as a friend.  Not sure how that will work if he finds someone else, right? ouch…so there you have it…stuck! Yuck! My heart hangs on but my mind says let him go….but, I can’t do it yet…I am addicted and it is like sick..  I am weak.  He makes me feel alive…also I have to mention I am nine years older than him, I am 54.  I always used to think this is wrong.  I never ever would have considered this possible for me to do ..until I met him.  
      Older men seem to get away with being with younger women and the reverse is becoming a new standard and label women as cougars.  
      I hate it that I am so weak in this delightful relation that will and is breaking my heart…but for some odd reason right now I feel it is worth the risk..  yeah….yeah stupid eh!?  Guess only time will tell……
      Can someone please perform a lobotomy via computer…lol

      1. 17.4.1

        Randerson, I feel your pain, i too have this type of relationship, but I’m am 18 years older. I was emotional less for the first ten months bit he then claimed he lived me my feelings started to change then I fell in love, only to have him all of a sudden say he doesn t anymore. Yes were still together going on two years almost and its gut wrenching feeling no strength to leave but knowing I should, labotomy for me as well lol

      2. 17.4.2

        I am 51 and I have been seeing a 34 years old guy for a year now. It was great the first 6 weeks, then he became distant.  He had told me from the beginning he did not want a relationship (he’s the free bird bohemian type).  I took a confident attitude, went on with my life, going hiking with friends, dancing, meeting new dates for coffee, etc.  I told him I was looking for a boyfriend and stopped contacting him.  He is the one who got back to me.  I guess he was scared of losing me.  Recently he has been calling me a lot more and we have been back together.  It does not depend on age but whether you have a great time when you hang out together and he becomes aware you have other options if he does not step up to the plate.

      3. 17.4.3

        I was in the EXACT same thing as you! Started online dating after a divorce, went on a few dates, nothing that went anywhere. Then met R. He was charming, handsome, funny…only problem was he wasn’t interested in a relationship. But I was lonely and figured I’d give the casual thing a try. We only ever texted, never went out on any dates, hooked up once a week, sometimes more. He was so passionate and like you said, he made me feel alive after a crappy marriage and being alone for years after the divorce. We’ve been in our situation for 8 months. Long enough for him to realize how awesome I am and he’ll finally come around and want a relationship, right??? *sad sigh*

        I found out through someone we both knew that he had been out with another woman (an ex that he has an on again off again thing with) and we were at the same restaurant and he never even said a thing to me. I was his dirty little secret you see and when the mutual friend told me about the other woman it just hit home EXACTLY what my place was and always would be: the booty call.

        I sent him a text and told him I was done, that I wanted something more. He begged me not to “wreck this, that I was the best thing he had going in his life”… but when it came to me telling him that I was done with meaningless sex, that I deserved to be the woman being taken out for dinner and drinks and movies and spending the day on the couch watching movies, he basically said thanks for the fun times and I have no bad feelings toward you. Haven’t heard from him in days and I probably never will

        Sending that text and keeping myself from messaging him had broken my heart. I’m such an idiot romantic and refuse to see what’s right in front of me. I kept hoping he would text or call, begging for another chance.

        The thing is, guys like mine and yours will NEVER come crawling back to us because they never wanted us to begin with. It’s a hard truth to handle but the sooner we face it, the sooner we can move on and find someone that actually DOES want us and will fight for us

        1. Helen

          This made my heart hurt Shay, only because it has happened to me. More than once! It has been a hard lesson to learn that a man can behave and connect with you as if totally in love and yet not be. It is completely incomprehensible to me as I love and feel everything very deeply and authentically. I cannot pretend it or fake it, but men can as long as they’re getting sex and affection I guess. It’s a very, very painful thing to experience and learn.

    5. 17.5

      I totally agree with you Katarina,
      it’s about your own well being and happiness.i still find myself wondering where my relationship with him will go, but until I get a commitment I’m still dating. Hes the only one im having sex and fun with right now. Only time will tell. It is what it is. We are enjoying sex together but beyond that we are friends. I value and cherish the friendship more than anything. As long as I am honest with myself  

    6. 17.6
      Mas Ruo

      Someone has to start a dating site and force users to agree to these terms and conditions before joining. It is without question the very best way to live life. Reading your comment has made my day. Thank you so much! I hope I am fortunate enough to meet a girl like you.

    7. 17.7
      Jen Q.

      I like this way of thinking.  It’s very Samantha from “Sex and the City.”  ;D

      I always felt that way too in a sense, and for this reason the idea that guys judge women by the number of partners they’ve had or how good in bed they are disgusts me to no end.  Being sexually alive is not just for them and sluts!

      I do have a tendency to bond through it to a cute guy whose company I was enjoying.  I see something I like, I tend to want more of it (or him).

    8. 17.8

      Great attitude, way to go girl!

    9. 17.9

      Say that sista, it always falls on the shoulders of us women to say yes or no. It’s up to you to create your own happiness. Like Maya Angelou said when a person shows you who they are believe them.  If men don’t want a relationship and just want sex you decide if this is good for you.

  18. 18
    Karl R

    Darci said: (#14)
    “This is so true. It’s actually true for everybody. I think people say what they mean and we just rationalize it into what we want them to mean.”

    It’s true for most people. You can find exceptions, but it’s a good general rule.

    Listen to what people say. Listen to what they don’t say.

    The classic example is the blind date who is described as having a “great personality.” Translated: she’s ugly. Because if she was attractive, that would have been explicitly stated.

    Spiral asked: (#15)
    “Why would a man do this? Why would a man want to ‘keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE’?”

    Do you have any friends who you like hanging out with, but you would never confide in them? WHY?? Why have them as semi-friends?

    Probably because they’re fun to hang around with, buth they’re not trustworthy or reliable or understanding or discreet enough for you to confide in them.

    Someone could be fun to date or fun in bed, but still be a lousy long-term partner (or especially a lousy long-term partner for me).

    Spiral asked: (#15)
    “Is it really just for sex? Is that all men truly want?
    Or is it just that sex is what THIS man wants at THIS time with you, and in a different stage in his life and maybe even with a different woman, he would be perfect husband material?”

    That’s reasonably accurate.

    But if he’s not interested in being your husband, then he is not perfect husband material for you. Find someone else.

    Jess said: (#9)
    “But if you don’t risk, there’s no reward.”

    Hopefully you’re not referring to the sex as the risk. If you see sex as being it’s own reward, go ahead and have sex. If you see it as a risk, then you should probably hold off.

    If you’re talking about the risk of getting hurt, that’s something you’ll have to learn to embrace. In my perspective, if a relationship doesn’t work out, I run the risk of getting hurt. If it does work out, then I’ve guaranteed that I’ll eventually get hurt.

    By accepting that it’s going to happen, it’s no longer a risk that I need to fear.

  19. 19

    Evan, I’m a sophomore in college and started my first serious relationship the beginning of freshman year. We slept together (both virgins) after being in a relationship for three to four months. It was literally an insane relationship and the Dean of Student Life even got involved! I don’t want to share all the details here, but although I’ve been slowly improving in the way I handle men and relationships (before, I had zero experience), but after reading your articles a few weeks ago, I’ve literally been reborn with a new mindset. I can more clearly see everything, the mistakes and the good parts. Thank you so much for your blog. It provides a very unique and well-informed perspective that I can’t seem to find from any other online source, which are nearly all written by women. Thanks a bunch!

  20. 20

    Joe, I’m going to assume you didn’t read my reply properly, because if you had, you would have read my whole paragraph on why I would NOT sleep with a man on a date because I don’t want post date drama. How instead I choose to have self respect and boundaries on my dates so that men don’t think they can take advantage of me. You would have also read my ending line where I advise women not to sleep with a man because he will definitely see them as a booty call if they do. I was basically reiterating everything Even has advised about having boundaries and so thanks for the advice – but I think you were reading a completely different post to the one I made. I’m not really sure how you came to the conclusion that I was saying I sleep with men and I’m tired of post date drama lol – my entire reply was about how I AVOID having those problems by making different choices with men. If women choose to approach dates differently and keep their boundaries, they can avoid a lot of the problems the women Evan is talking about have. Luckily for me, I’m not one of those women! SO yeah…I totally agree with you – that’s why I wrote a whole reply about it lol.

  21. 21

    People are dumb. I dont ever sleep around UNLESS hes already my man. Why cant people close their legs and open their mind first?
    After reading this article, I just feel sad for all those women who put up with men with these behaviors. Its childish.
    Grow up please.

    1. 21.1


      1. 21.1.1

        Just one question- He might say he’s serious and then a copule of months later he just disappears. It happened to me! He said he was serious and adventually just stopped calling?!

    2. 21.2
      Jen Q.

      I feel sad for judgmental people.

  22. 22

    l think the major problem with this is that there is no woman on earth, who would, subconsciously or consciously, want to be downgraded or considered as *booty call* in a man´s mind, esp, if he is cute. (Show me one woman who does, and drinks are on me).
    Instead, what happens, is that if a charming guy comes along, he makes us feel so good, that we belive, that there is a potential for more. Esp, if we have some problematic relationship history or just plain habbit of wearing rose tinted glasses in times, tht previously has lead into disaster, and we havent learned the lesson.



    1. 22.1

      Don’t downgrade the bootycall, sometimes were to busy for a relationship, not ready for a boyfriend or a girlfriend…as, long as, your safe and realize that the relationship is only for sex. Why is there a, problem? If you are honest in your booty call relationship there isn’t a problem. End it when feelings, or, the future goggles go on bc it’s not a bf/gf relationship. But it’s fun and silly till you are ready for something serious. I love a booty call, but drinks are on me 😉

      1. 22.1.1

        It’s not a matter of “downgrading” the booty call, it’s a matter of being honest with ourselves. Rather than being “honest” about a “booty call” relationship, I am being honest, that I do not want that at all. I am ready for something serious now. Why would I waste time that I could be cultivating a real relationship for a booty call ?

        I would rather bide my time with my hobbies, spending time with friends and family and home improvement, than in a dead end booty call non-relationship.

        That’s just me. Different strokes for different folks.

        1. Natalie

          This is true, If you know you are ready for a relationship don’t waste time in a dead end relationship, booty call or mess around with people playing around.
          I was referring to how “Ria” Comment “l think the major problem with this is that there is no woman on earth, who would, subconsciously or consciously, want to be downgraded or considered as *booty call* in a man´s mind, esp, if he is cute.”
          I am being realistic, it would not be healthy for me on a personal level to be in or actively pursing Mr. Right, right now, I just ended a 4 year relationship. I am young, and need to focus on bettering my self my career, goals and ambitions right now instead of putting my time and energy into another relationship or pursing, I casually go out (every so often).
          I know and am fully aware when someone feels they are “playing” me or “scoring” (if I so choose to sleep with someone) Where they feel they have outwitted, charmed or seduced me into bed, the simple fact of the matter, I know its not a relationship, I know I won’t be seeing them everyday for the rest of my life, and I know I probably won’t be seeing them 6 months from now, maybe not a month from now, And that could just be a date, not sleeping with someone, With a booty call in mind, its fun, and generally both party’s are doing their damn best to play the other party, to get what they want from the bootycall arrangement they have. Its fun and games, silliness till your ready to move on to something more sophisticated, to a potential life partner, and lets face it till your ready for that, you can get a little lonely.
          My problem inlays with the word Booty Call, as if the word was a sin in itself, we live in a very progressive age, and when the word booty call is used, it is assumed the person in question in a female, well I booty call, men. what I am trying to get across is that don’t use the word booty call, and make it a negative when it isn’t necessarily a negative, and if you are sure as hell don’t apply it to only women. 

  23. 23

    Women should also listen (read) to Dr. Path Allen. 
    Strongly recommend her to understand why you should not sleep with a men unless you are in committed relationship. there is actual science with hormones and chemicals behind it.

  24. 24

    When my ex said “I don’t want to marry you” I tried to reason with him that maybe he just needed more time, the next morning I woke up and ended it with him. From that point I promised I would take men at their words. A man means what he tells you, you can’t convince him otherwise.

  25. 25

    Evan, or Karl (because you’re just as wise),

    How do you word it to a guy that you want exclusivity/commitment first before sex without it coming off as an ultimatum?

    And, do you bring up the subject casually or wait until you think sex is imminent? 

    1. 25.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Emma, please, pick up a copy of Why He Disappeared. Everything you want to know is in there. And there’s a money-back guarantee if you’re not satisfied.

  26. 26

    It’s weird how women think they can sneak their way into a relationship by sleeping with someone and then just passively hoping it makes him your boyfriend.

    A man who wants to be your boyfriend won’t be ambiguous about it.  

    Sleeping with someone and then being scared to ask what it means is your answer.  You can’t “rock” anything with someone who isn’t dating you, and being passive but making yourself available for sex isn’t a way to backdoor your way into having an actual boyfriend/relationship.  

    So you should be calm and easygoing and let someone who wants to be with you step to the plate, but you should not SLEEP with someone who hasn’t made it clear that he is committed to you and then think that it makes him your boyfriend b/c you don’t “pester” him.  

    It’s not contradictory to anything else that is on this site.  Too many women think they can have sex with someone and then get shocked when it doesn’t turn into anything more.  

    I think the Millionaire Matchmaker is batty as hell but I saw two episodes of her show and saw a girl who broke the rule about not having sex, which Patty also says you should save for a committed, monogamous relationship.  The girl was shocked and hurt that she slept with the man quickly and then when she asked about a relationship/where they were headed, he was like, “who knows?”  I mean, really, why is that even surprising? 

    Keep your legs closed until you have a talk about it ladies.  The man who doesn’t want to let you get away will let you know it and you don’t have to bug the hell out of him.  Then you know it’s safe to drop your panties. 

    I think the woman above who slept with the man on date 5/2.5 weeks won’t get what she is after either.  If it was safe to do it, you wouldn’t have to wonder after the fact.

  27. 27

    Wow, this article is exactly for me, because  as if it mostly describes my last relationship (or non-relationship). 
    Yes, he was not talking about love and marriage, but he was talking about taking you me to Paris and Vienna.
    Yes, he was not talking about the names of our kids, but he was talking about how special i am to him and that he definitely wants to play a part in my life.
    And yeah, he hasn’t promised me anything…except that he promised me that we will meet each other in future and we will be in serious relationship then…’You will see that I’m telling you the truth and we will be together’, said he to me many times.
    So, many thanks for this advice Evan: CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.
    Yes, I will. Finally.

  28. 28

    The line: Men don’t want to hurt women, is probably as true as how women hate to hurt men. Great article!

  29. 29

    Sprial, not all men are comfortable using women for sex so you don’t have to feel sad or disillusioned. A hell of a lot of men would just let it go if they find they were not interested in a woman, rather than take advantage of someone who is so obviously keen on them, and who would go the distance in the delusion of a possible relationship. These men have honor and if nothing else, they don’t want the messiness and drama and trauma of having to deal with a distraught woman who thought she was being led up the garden path. They don’t think the resulting fallout of their actions are worth the momentary transient pleasures of the flesh. 
    The men described here by Evan are players and thankfully, there are not too many of them out there.

    1. 29.1
      Mas Ruo

      Hear hear!

  30. 30

    allow me to add few comments regarding waiting for sex/no sex on first dates etc.
    i’ve been married twice – in both cases those were men i had sex with on the first date basically (before we were meeting casually among friends), and i didn’t initiate at all their decisions to propose.
    my worst relationship ever was one where i was waiting for sex for 5 month. when it’s finally happened, it became obvious that it’s dead-end relationship, add here the broken heart, heh))
    chris60 mentioned correctly: it doesn’t matter, at all, for how the relationship will unfold in the future.

    1. 30.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Dagaz, a few questions:

      You hopped into bed with two men who later became your ex-husbands.

      How quickly after meeting them did you get married? How long did those marriages last? And what was the reason that they broke up? Thanks for sharing.

      1. 30.1.1

        All are chemistry. If a good, then maybe brinks you to marrie. No way the reason of how early or not having sex.

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