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Aw, Jesus, Maya.
You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.
First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.
“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?
I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.
You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
“A certain type of face seems attractive”?
I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.
Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…
“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”
So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.
Got it.
My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.
Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.
This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.
But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.
Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.
And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?
Steve says
Maya;
What you wrote in your email to Evan is almost exactly what a friend of mine confessed to me about her marriage. She got married hoping she would learn to love him and feel passionate about him in time. It never happened.
The went to both individual counseling and marriage counseling for several years. Their marriage counselors told them their business was saving marriages and that they did not have anything there to save.
7 years later they have finally gotten up the courage to get a divorce. Don’t let your and his life stall out for 7 years. Divorce him. Now.
Good Luck.
Lucy says
Well I did the same thing. I then struggled the entire marriage. I stayed with him and I grew to love him as a person but I remained unattracted to him the entire marriage. I had children with him and I stayed for 17 years. It eventually led to him cheating on me in which he said she wanted him I couldn’t blame him now could I I do however wonder if he had of been kinder to me if I would have found him more attractive. I got involved with him with that nagging feeling in my gut that I wasn’t overly attracted to him. I thought he was a nice guy turned out he wasn’t….anyway the idea of being attracted to someone on a scale of 1 to 10 choosing someone you really aren’t and believing that it is ok. No unless you are thrilled about another individual the relationship isn’t right for you and settling isn’t going to ever change the fact that you settled no matter how long you stay….
Jessica Catlett says
I could have written that myself…. 🙁
None of your business says
” Never marry a unattractive man unless he makes allot of money which totally makes it worth starring at his ugly mug for the rest of your life.
Got to get paid XD
jim says
these kinds of situations are common. you are just making excuses again. the REAL problem is feeling like you need a ’10’ and esteeming your spouse to be less than a ’10’. sexual need works on a biological rhythm such that as time progresses your ideals of what you are willing to accept change in order to meet the sexual need. maslow’s hierarchy of needs. if you feel that your spouse really is the ONLY source of sexual fulfillment that you will ever have, eventually you’ll start giving in to your body’s desires and use your spouse to fulfill those needs, even if you don’t see them as a ’10’. orgasm releases chemicals in the brain and after repeated functions, your brain begins to associate sexual satisfaction with the person you are getting orgasms from. attraction is created chemically in the brain. these results can be reproduced in the laboratory. after years of separation i still find myself thinking back at times and being aroused by the memories of the first girl i had a sexual relationship wth. she wasn’t objectively pretty then (she had a certain cuteness, there was something there), and boy has she gone down hill now… but those experiences still created solidified synapses of sexual attraction in the brain. the REAL problem is that the writer is hoping someone will give her the way out of the marriage… a pretext to justify doing an immoral thing. she already knows its the wrong thing to do, that’s why she’s asking a stranger’s advice. if she went to her family, she already knows what they would tell her. she thinks she’s young enough to jump ship and still have time to find someone else. the same goes for all the other women who say ‘i was never attracted to my husband. i married him cause i thought he was a nice guy. i was wrong.’ NO…nobody goes to the alter and says, ‘gee, you remind me of hitler’s cousin…let’s get married!” they ARE nice, good men. but they react naturally when they realize they’ve been duped by someone who not only cheated them out of the love they deserve, but also now wants to leave them and take half their shit. that doesn’t make them bad men, it makes them NORMAL.
Lydia says
Awesomeness. Love your reply. ” gee you remind me of hitlers cousin…. Lets get married” . So funny and true! I fell out of love in my marrage of 27 years. It’s possible. It’s sad , but divorce is the correct thing to do when it’s over. Sometimes life is to blame but I take responsibility for the failure, or at least half of it.
Jim says
i cordially reject your assessment of your situation. you say that you take responsibility for the failure, or at least half of it. but the responsibility for fixing a broken marriage doesn’t rest upon the person who did the most screwing-up. it rests upon the person who cares most about the marriage. i’m guessing that wasn’t you. the person who cares least about the marriage is 100% at fault for the ending of it. you didn’t fall out of love. you stopped caring. caring about what is morally right first, will lead you to do what’s right. and in DOING what is right, you will invest into what you care about, which should be your marriage- your husband. when you CARE about what is right, you will DO what is right. the feelings will follow. when you DECIDE to love with actions instead of just words or thoughts you will find that when those feelings do show themselves they are more powerful than you ever thought possible. when you wake up in the morning after your husband got drunk and acted stupid, and totally doesn’t deserve it, and you decide “i’m going to love him anyway” and make him a nice breakfast…it becomes a sacrifice. you give up your pride. your time. your peace of mind. you’d much rather be doing something else. that’s the funny thing that most people don’t get about sacrifice. it’s not REALLY sacrifice unless it COSTS you something. too often, women are out there doing these little love-dovey things for their men because it makes THEMSELVES feel good for having done it. and it may be a nice gesture but it’s not sacrifice. and then they get mad when the man doesn’t respond in the way that pleases them. sacrifice is the death of yourself in favor of what’s good for the other person. very, very few people are in situations that really warrant escape. their marriage may be a living hell, but it’s usually a hell of their own making. because they won’t sacrifice their pride, ego, vanity, need to be right, selfish ambitions, “i have a better way” or other such self-motivated desires. plus the ever present finger-pointing. i can just hear all the women now thinking in their heads “i really wish my husband could read this!”
Denise says
While I agree that this issue isn’t something to divorce over, I would disagree with what you said about her wanting a 10 to be attracted. Looking for particular attributes that one is attracted to doesn’t mean that a person is seeking a “10”. What you said about the first girl you were with not being objectively pretty doesn’t mean you weren’t attracted to her. Many people don’t know the difference between the images they have been told constitute attractiveness and what they actually respond to as individuals. Every single day people feel physical chemistry with people who would not be featured on the cover of a magazine.
But even more importantly, especially with women, sexual attraction often has as much to do with being drawn to the man’s persona as it has to do with what he looks like physically. And we’re not given details about that. Further, while she can simply do her marital duty, authentic enthusiasm can be difficult to manufacture when it isn’t there. And the lack of it might really bother him. She might do better to talk to a sex therapist about how to make herself feel more enthusiastic sexually even if she’s not naturally feeling it.
What I see today is an awkward melding of vastly different generational attitudes toward marriage. In previous times, it seems that people married with modest expectations, but they didn’t necessarily expect romantic passion either. I’m sure plenty of marriages became sexless without anyone complaining about it. The alternative became to emphasize passion over all else, which is problematic and makes for unstable marriages. But I’m still not confident that anyone can be told both to marry someone they aren’t passionate about and to somehow create that passion down the line. I just don’t know that it works that way. I think that if one is going to take the pragmatic, dutiful view toward marriage then it is possible that passion may never be a part of it. The question then becomes whether that’s what both people bargained for or whether one person in the marriage expects more affection and sexual enthusiasm when the other never had any to give, but simply wanted children, the security of marriage, companionship, etc.
patty says
I have tried to feel that passion and I truly love my husband for the person he is. I just hoped with all my might that I would feel something for him. 24 years and 4 kids later there’s nothing. I fake it for him. I try to make him feel loved as much as I can because I know he truly loves me and it’s my fault for marrying someone I didn’t love. He treated me differently than other “guys” I knew I would never meet anyone else like him and I thought I would fall in love after a while. He sort of or he knows how I feel. After 24 years it’s hard to keep up with the lie. I do however try daily to make him feel like the king that he is as he works hard to provide every day. It’s my prison to pay, not his. I will never leave him and I will always make him or try to make him feel loved .
Ashley says
i agree totally. but honestly, as a wife, you’re not a prostitute in the business of giving sexual pleasure. your role as a good partner, stable companion, a sympathetic ear, a home maker, a peace keeper, a mother and friend, is far more valuable than what your physical body is able give in sexual gratification. people need to marry for the right reasons. Sex isn’t everything. kindness and respect is tenfold more important in a stable working lifelong relationship. i’m not saying give up sex entirely, but you don’t have to have sex all the time to be in a marriage that lasts. if you don’t enjoy it and husband always wants it, its a favor system, you give in to his desires after some wine and a nice dinner date, and he in turn takes care of you in some fashion. he can send you to the spa, or rub your back for you, run a bath for you, help with cleaning, whatever. Much of what makes a marriage strong does not require intense sexual desire. I am only 27 years old, and married for 3, so very new to my marriage still, but I love and appreciate my spouse regardless of his physical being. I admit that the attraction isn’t there most the time I don’t want to be intimate and will avoid it, but I also don’t deprive it entirely and would never throw away the kindness he shows, the love that shines in his eyes when he looks at me every day, the goodness in his heart, trumps anything that a more attractive partner and a spicy sex life would have to offer. Think about your life in old age, stare long and hard into the future, and can you see the benefit of a lifelong commitment to this person? Do you feel stifled by the relationship and want to find who you are? I would highly suggest you do some soul searching before marriage, but if you are already married please be open and honest with your partner and try to see if you can build hobbies and interests to help define and fulfill your inner being apart from the person so you can grow back together, learning from and admiring eachothers differences
E says
Your words are your own but are spoken with little experience or empathy. After 30 + years of trying to find attraction – let me just say. ” If you ain’t got that zing baby – you ain’t got a thing! ” o chemistry = 0 chemistry. Mind over matter does not apply with physical attraction. GET UP GET OUT AND GET ON !
Jim says
30 years of doing it wrong does not make an expert. nevertheless… i’ve done great studies into this mystery. the bible does not say that all women are to love their husbands. it says they are to respect their husbands. my conclusion is that the bible doesn’t say all women must love their husbands because not every women is capable of loving their husbands- and therefore God would not be just to require a woman to do something that she wasn’t capable of. and it makes sense. think of it in the reverse. husbands are to love their wives. but it doesn’t say that we must always respect them. why? because some men would not be capable of respecting their wives. respect is more than just treating with common decency or dignity. it includes an element of admiration. and let’s face it: many men have wives who behave in ways that are not admirable. and so those men would be incapable of having respect for said wives. but if you can’t respect your wife, you can still have love in your heart. the same as you have love in your heart for your child who is behaving badly. in those moments, the husband is not capable of having respect for his wife. otherwise, why doesn’t the bible simply say that all husbands and wives should have both love and respect for each other? if it were possible… why only go halfway? the only logical conclusion is that not all wives are CAPABLE of loving their husbands, and not all husbands are CAPABLE of respecting their wives. with that said, i do have compassion for you for never having experienced love for your husband. but there still remains the duty of respecting him, being faithful to him, and available to him as a sexual vessel. otherwise, you tempt him to get another wife. (which is totally never mentioned as a sin in the bible…women don’t like that part. only divorce is a sin. but husbands are allowed more than one wife.) sorry to hear about your withered piece of driftwood of a heart.
Billy says
I find this comment totally misguided and judgmental. You can’t force attraction.
jim says
since when is it wrong to judge? who gave anyone the right to demand that they not be judged in the sight of others? the essence of judging is weighing in the balance to find if something is true or not. i’m totally justified to sit back and judge the fruit of her efforts and decide if it is good or bad. i don’t have to know her intimate details. i only have to see the fruit of her life- that which she admits to. a bad life doesn’t just sneak up on you. you don’t do the right thing day after day after day for 30 years and all of a sudden end up with destruction. you reap what you sow. yes bad things happen from time to time. but you don’t spend 30 years pouring your heart and soul into someone every day, and then wake up a bitter old hag who hates the man she heaped so much love onto- sharing good times and bad and creating a lifetime of memories… then to go ‘oh well…. there’s not any attraction so fuck it. time to bail’. you are completely void of understanding. you don’t know- you don’t want to know- and the way you sleep at night is believing that by not judging others, you absolve yourself of any obligation to have your own life examined. yes, yes, everybody loves john 3:16… but they conveniently forget that jesus went on to say ‘He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.” you want to sit back and say ‘don’t judge me’… fine. but you don’t get to be a fuck-up and not get judged for it, and act like you’re not a fuck up. either you’re a fuck up and you take the shame- or you shut your hypocritical mouth and not get judged. but you don’t get to preach on a soap box and then stand beyond reproach.
Very disappointed says
Personally, i made a huge mistake marrying a man that im not attracted to. I dont want to admit that i dont know him that good and he simply doesnt know how to love a woman. He gives me an allowance of $5 and wants to know where it is and where i spent it. Sometimes i just want to cuddle and he bites me, pushes me and slobbers on me. Its disgusting. I realized on my wedding night that i made a mistake. He didnt even have a hotel reserved and we had nowhere to go. I had a hotel and he made me cancel it. Its all my fault that im living this way, people warned me but i was too stupid to listen, now my life is incredibly awful. Not to mention he withheld information about his health from me. Im so upset at myself because i left all i love without properly thinking it through.
jim says
i just can’t believe this is a real story. my advice would be to not divorce him but separate from him until he gets his life together. but that is a bad mistake. one that you have to live with unfortunately. 1 of 2 things will happen. either he won’t be able to stand up to the pressure and he’ll cheat, and then you’ll be free. or 2 he will get with the program and do what it takes to be a decent man.
Bronze says
I have been married since 8 years same situation.. don’t have guts to divorce as he loves me very much … Often have fights on relationship
Anonymous says
What I don’t understand is how he could propose to a woman who wasn’t giving him the physical affection that he wanted.
I think they are both at fault here, and perhaps there is something valuable in holding out for someone you feel a connection with.
Since the OP can’t force herself to feel something she doesn’t feel, she needs to have an honest conversation with her husband, reminding him that she was always like this… before he proposed.
Aditya Nigam says
I agree…. one cannot force her to feel what she doesn’t
Very disappointed says
I agree. Honest communication.
DinaStrange says
Who thought that finding “the one” is so hard?
Maya says
I wasn’t attracted to my last serious bf. He was only a little higher than I was, had a pot belly, was ginger haired and bold, 11 years older, but he was very kind and generous with me. When I fallen in love with him, he became the most handsome guy on Earth to me. The attraction wasn’t there right from the beginning, but he grew on me. After 2 months of dating, if there isn’t any attraction, then most likely there never ever will be any in the future.
None of your business says
Leave his ugly ass .
It’s stupid to marry someone that’s ugly.
Its me says
U are funny None of your business!!!!
john says
hahahahaha my girlfriend left an ugly as for me
Molly McPherson says
Hi Maya,
I hope you still check this because I’m am curious to see if you are still married? I, unfortunately, am in the same situation which is what brought me here. I COMPLETELY felt EVERY word you said especially when you said you don’t have the courage to say anything about the situation with your husband :'( when a man is so good to you, it’s sooooo hard to say “I’m not in love with you ” even if the attraction is not there… my issue is not 100% attraction, I just can’t seem to fall in love with him & don’t want to hurt him by telling him though I’m sure he can feel it.. sigh my husband is close to PERFECT, is so patient & will do ANYTHING TO make me happy but for the life of me I can’t seem to fall in love with him!!!!!!!
jim says
you have a good man. give him your utmost respect, and he’ll never know the difference. don’t mind the love part. you’re wanting all those butterfly feelings. believe me, even all those feelings don’t last. marriage is mostly boring stuff. doing laundry together. watching tv. be his very best friend and do all those things with him with a cheerful heart. and one day you will think back and wonder how you could ever do any of those things without him. THAT is real love. i promise if you tell him you don’t love him or take steps to leave him, or actually do leave him- you will regret it 100%. don’t buy into the idea that the grass is greener on the other side. there is a very real possibility that you will NOT find another guy to replace him that those feelings you’re looking for, materialize. and many times people marry someone who gives them all those butterflies- only to later end up divorced because they couldn’t get along on really petty things.
E says
I understand where this commenter is coming from. I just got married last year and a week before the wedding I began suffering bouts it insomnia, which still persists months later. My mind can’t stop reeling with all the worry about how I may have just ruined my life. I’ve always been a cynic, critical of self or others, well, I’ve always had a philosophical and agnostic mind. It’s hard to ever know if I am actually happy, and often i find myself regretting major life decisions, so getting married is just another way for me to get frustrated about whatever is lacking. Sounds miserable when I write it out. I have issues with his mother, brother, sister in law, and cousin–they have all been outrightly rude or trashy to me, and I spend most of my energy convincing myself that I am NOT with someone like that, but my powers of persuasion are beginning to get weak. I strive instead for personal happiness, then hope to meet him somewhere in the middle with some caring conversation that shows we at least still like going on interesting trips together. Now I am at a place where I am scared of what would happen if I left–scared of being alone, not knowing whether I will be lonely, not knowing whether I will be sane, wondering if I CAN even make my own friends outside of the relationship. I believe in God and I hope and pray for the best but my thoughts usually get the better of me and I’m off with another sleepless night. I feel like I’m in college the way I’m pulling all-nighters…I just wish for resolution.
LaLa says
Please leave him. It’s so unfair and almost cruel to stay with a man you aren’t attracted to or don’t love, when there is almost certainly another woman out there who will. It’s also unfair to you, as you should be with someone you’re attracted to and love as well. Why waste his time? The poor guy is wishing for something that probably won’t ever happen and you’re sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. Why don’t you do the right thing and leave him? I know I’m being harsh and direct, but I find this so sad.
Leah says
I agree completely with you. I had to break up with my boyfriend of two years recently because I wasn’t attracted to him. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done because we connect on such a deep level but for me the physical attraction was not there. This meant that I started to feel like I didn’t love him as much as he loved me; there was a certain element missing emotionally and I couldn’t ignore it; it would have been unfair to him to do so. I agree that it would have been cruel to stay with him despite this. He deserves to be loved and appreciated fully and completely and I sadly I just can’t give this to him.. It’s extremely hard but I keep reminding myself that it was the right thing to do.
SparklingEmerald says
Leah @5.1 – I’m not trying to be judgemental here, but how on earth did you endure 2 years with a man you weren’t physically attracted to ? The reason I ask, is I have tried to “give men chances” to see if attraction can grow, because they were “nice” and wanted a relationship with me and were good to me, and did all the things a boyfriend should do. But if it didn’t grow into an attraction (and it only did ONCE) I really couldn’t stand it for more than a few weeks. For two reasons: First, if I don’t feel physical attraction, even hugging, kissing and cuddling feel horrible and it only gets worse. And sex becomes an absolute cringe-fest for me. (Yes, I confess, I have let things progress that far with a guy I was “trying” to be attracted to, because he was so into me) The second reason: If I am trying to force myself to feel attraction for someone that I really don’t feel it for, it is because they seem like a genuinely nice, caring, relationship worthy person, and they are treating me very well. I feel WORSE than awful when I hurt a man like that.
When I have broken off relationships with someone who I was attracted to, and MISTAKENLY thought we’d be compatible, and then they start treating me poorly, I don’t feel bad breaking off THOSE relationships, because if the person became super critical of me, constantly flaked on me or was dishonest with me, I don’t feel bad breaking up with them. Even if they give me the sad cow eyes and ask for another chance (and I really don’t see their behavior ever changing) I don’t feel bad, because hey, they did things that made me feel bad, didn’t stop when I asked, continued the hurtful behavior, etc.
But to hurt a “good guy” because I wasn’t feeling attracted to him. I HATE doing that.
I have a first meeting with someone tomorrow, and I must confess, I try to avoid going out with men, if I think I might not be able to be attracted to them. It IS hard to tell just from a profile. Some guys go into the “No way Jose” category, but there are some guys whose pics make be think, “Hmm, he’s really not bad looking at all, but I’m not thinking he super cute either, but if I meet him in person, I might feel differently”. This guy I’m meeting tomorrow falls into that category. I feel like a bitch saying this, but I finally agreed to a meet up with him because, he has been pursuing me online off and on for awhile, and my options lately have been pretty nil. I haven’t even met him yet, and already I feel like I’m settling. He has many qualities I like in a man, and seems like a good guy, but I’m not sure if he’s my type physically. I hope I feel differently tomorrow when I meet him face to face. (and that he doesn’t subsequently decided that I’M not his type 🙂 )
I’m trying to strike that balance between “giving guys a chance” and “leading a man on”.
Both my husbands I met in person first, but they don’t photograph well. I remember certain photos and think to myself, if online dating had been around back then, I doubt I would have dated them based on their photos. But believe me, I was plenty attracted to both of them. But if I met a photograph of them before I met them in person, I doubt I would have been to excited about meeting them.
Janon says
Was this soliloquy somehow supposed to be an example for Leah? You sound far more confused than her.
“Both my husbands….” Ah yep….
Recreated says
It’s women like you that I don’t date period and rather go to a strip club or hire someone. I love the nice guy thing because it always used to justify shit! But your the exact reason then you pick a man you think is hot but chances are beats you and cheats on you. I actually hope that happens to you because you deserve it for leading someone on. You know you were not attracted to him bullshit! This why I started working out and I will get those muscles and six pack you want. Would love to see a picture of you and see if your a supermodel or not. Fine we all have our preferncea but your too picky and I’m sure you don’t look great. I smartened up and already lost 63 pounds and realize if I want to attract someone I need to loose 100 more pounds get a six pack and act like a dick. Works all the time. The first time a woman says your nice that’s code for your ugly!
TT says
yeah I feel sad for you… your sad leave marriage is for happiness not to feel the way you feel. what about you. it looks like your a loving person to put his ugly ass over your feelings… its only right to be happily married not miserable . marriage is over rated that’s why you married him thinking only of him proves your a loving person therefore start loving you and follow your heart and true love will arrive but you are destroying your destiny and true love staying with this cloud. That is not fare to you nor the universe. your energy will attract forces that are negative because of the imbalance you so greatly hold. Your higher self is pulling you out with the notion of the unattractiveness… This unattractiveness he has on the outside is the vision for the unhealthy state you are in being married unhappily. I cant tell you what to do I can only warn you of your future …. Good luck to you love and hopefully you will see the way out of this miserableness, it is a warning form above. there’s nothing wrong with how you feel its your inner voice being honest… I hope you become aware and flee peacefully but be very careful in how you leave this man it seems to me that you are afraid and it might be a nightmare of domestic abuse here… If it is which I’m sensing send a letter in the mail and disappear make sure you tell someone you trust mostly and be careful love. men become possessive especially ugly ones… I don’t know you from anywhere but I felt I should respond as safe and peacefully as I could. I was just reading on the internet and this paused me… Get out of that marriage it spells danger…
Recreated says
Especially ugly ones that’s bullshit if anything it’s the attractive ones. I know from being a cop and EMT too many domestics I have been called to only then to want to drop charges!
henriette says
Maybe I’m wrong, but this sounds like a foreign woman who wanted to be married to an American man, “no matter what” for the status it would accord her within her family and community. Sad thing is, Maya seems far more concerned with her own discomfort than with the fact that she probably really hurt and used this guy. I can only imagine how terrible this must make him feel.
I’m all for Evan’s advice to give a guy a chance even if he’s not your physical ideal. I’m currently dating a fellow who, upon first meeting, made me recoil. But I decided to give him a few more chances because we’d met online and his emails showed a senstve, hilarious, bright personality. Now, four month’s later, I cannot keep my hands off him and laugh to think that I almost let him slip away simply because he has a big mole on his nose and is 3 inches shorter than I. So, as I said, I believe that attraction can change.
However, I assert that if I had still been physically repelled by this, or any, guy after a couple of months, I would have bowed out. Attraction can ebb and flow but if it’s always been non-existent between 2 people, I don’t think that one can force it. I cannot make myself care about Maya’s predicament — she sounds cold and self-serving — but for the sake of her husband, I hope they divorce quickly and that he moves on to a woman who finds his face, heart and mind, beautiful.
john Baloyi says
Hehehehehe I love women talk
Nicole says
@Henriette,I think you are right but you know men love to fight like mad and insist that foreign women don’t care about silly things like looks and money, when the simple fact of the matter is that to women in the developing world, they attempt to ignore things that they want for the chance at a better life.
So this guy probably convinced himself that he got someone who wasn’t shallow like American women and now is probably shocked that it has turned out not to be true.
annie says
I agree that she made a big error in judgement by marrying this guy. However, she did marry him and she made a commitment with him. I find it very disheartening that marriage has become so expendable in our society. I don’t think it should be so socially acceptable and encouraged to just give up marriages (especially after only three months!) because somebody changes their mind or falls out of love.
It sounds like she made the decision early on that she couldn’t love him because she didn’t like his face, it isn’t clear to me that she has ever really truly given it a chance and really emotionally committed herself to the relationship. I think this is a way of keeping oneself emotionally unavailable – if there is some “fatal flaw” in the other person, then she doesn’t have to truly love him and commit and make herself vulnerable to being hurt.
Here’s a novel idea, how about she honor her commitment. Rather than searching around for validation of her negative feelings (which will only serve to perpetuate her uncertainty), how about she make a conscious decision that she is going to commit 100% to the relationship and to loving the man that she chose to marry. He does not sound like a bad person, and she obviously thought he had some sort of redeeming qualities which she was attracted to, or else she would not have stayed with him. She needs to change her attitude and mindset, rather than just looking for validation to take the easy way out.
Obviously, not the same situation, but for example, if I go to work every day with the mindset that I hate my job, something major would have to happen to convince me otherwise. It will be easy to find things throughout my day that validate that thinking, because of course there are bad qualities to every job. However, If I go to work thinking I am grateful to have a job, and I am grateful that I get the opportunity to help people; then, I look at my job a little differently and I actually enjoy it more.
Just my two cents!
Marc says
Thanks Annie ! Your comment has brightened my day 🙂
ann says
Thanks Annie. I am somehow going through the same thing. Your comment is very helpful. Thank you.
Karmic Equation says
You’re putting the institution of marriage over what the HUSBAND deserves. He deserves to have a wife who finds him physically attractive so that she willingly and happily has sex with him. What you’re suggesting is that she prostitute herself for her marriage. To endure sex with a man she doesn’t find attractive because she’s married to him. Should a good man have to “suffer” his wife’s endurance of sex with him.
The primary benefit for marriage nowadays is for tax breaks. Children are born out of wedlock every day without fear of the stigma of being labeled “bastards”. So you don’t even have to marry for the sake of legitimizing your children. Marriage is big business for the government. And for religions. Couples usually tithe to their churches and synagogues, upon marriage, right?
Men and women should be married because they love each other and are happy to have sex with their partners. If either is missing from the marriage, then the marriage is a sham. And the person who loves and wants sex with the one who either doesn’t love him/her or doesn’t want to have sex with him/her, suffers for no good reason.
She should divorce him to free HIM to find someone who loves and wants him. Period.
Jessica says
I completely agree! It’s a very sad situation, indeed. Before filing for divorce so soon, get some marriage counseling and wait a little longer. If living together becomes unbearable, one of you can move out. You can continue to get counseling even though you’re separated. If that doesn’t work, then I think it’s better to get a divorce than to stay in a marriage that’s not really a marriage besides on paper. But first, try and give it some time.
I just read an article written by a psychologist that physical and emotional attraction is intertwined. Read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, find out what your love languages are and give him the book to read as well. If your emotional needs are not being met, it’s unlikely that he’ll become attractive to you. But if the opposite happens, it’s possible that you’ll find him attractive.
The first time I saw my husband, I noticed that he had a really weird shaped head (think about the shape of an egg) and that he was very short (no heels for me!). But because he had such a beautiful smile and a really sexy body, I overlooked the features that I didn’t find attractive. So, I fell in love with him and was happily married for 5 years. I sincerely thought that he was soooo handsome. So, yes, it’s possible that the attraction will come.
Although my story doesn’t have a happy ending, I doubt that it’s because of those features that I didn’t like. We started having lots of problems in our marriage and all of a sudden, he became ugly to me. The physical attraction is completely gone. He’s still muscular and in top shape. The smile that I once thought was the most beautiful smile in the world, now it’s just “blah.”
We’ve been legally married for 7 yrs, but have been separated for 6 weeks. I’m going to try marriage counseling, but at this point it’s probably too late. We should have started it years ago… Anyway, try everything you can and wait. Things may change. If they don’t, as someone else has said, FREE him to find someone who will love him and free yourself too.
Best Wishes,
Jessica
Shawn says
Unbelievable! Looks fade fast! Let me say again, looks fade fast! Just keep living. Teeth go bad, hair falls out, weight goes up and down, let’s not even talk about the possibility of cancer and all it has to offer in the “looks” category….. The character of a man is far more valuable than looks. If this is a good man – and I believe he is – because there is no doubt in my mind that he knew, before she agreed to marry him, that she was not attracted to him but he married her anyway, he will treat her with kindness, love and compassion when the rain comes. (Whether the rain is a common cold or cancer) We all want the guy that will love and accept us at our worst (car accident that leaves us paralyzed). If this woman was to focus on her man for the qualities he has to offer and stay committed to her marriage, there is big reward for her future. Her self esteem will rise, her dignity, integrity and self respect will rise and THAT my friend is true happiness. Happiness comes from within,
Peace and Love
Ladydy610 says
Very well said.
Much wisdom here.
Recreated says
Women don’t care about that took me 37 years to realize that. Learned why I never had a relationship, not attracted, fat and a loser and the n word which is nice. So I decided to try something go to the gym and get that six pack and act like a douche. Lost 63 pounds and counting. Probably going to need surgery for loose skin but it’s necessary because they only want a hot guy. Same thing if I m not going to talk a woman who I am not attracted it’s not fair or honest. If they can do it I can too. Wake up men all these woman have in common is the guy is nice. Don’t be nice period. Get that body , even those bad asses might not a perfect face but because they don’t care it happens. Will never take a woman to dinner again unless we are dating. If someone wants to meet me if called a cup of coffee once or twice. If your interested in me beat it and let me more on. For the money I wasted on you and you leaving nice I could hire someone. Don’t judge me I have needs too because I know you women would label ugly experienced it
Rachel Ryan says
You are a very wise person. I’m so glad you took the time to write a reply, Shawn. Thank you.
xxpaigejj says
I wish I could comment a reply to “Recreated.” Some women really do care about that. I read Shawn’s post and agreed with every word. I am a woman, I’m engaged to a man who is wonderful. He is extremely nice. Saying he is a nice guy does NOT mean that he is ugly. You’re probably looking for girls in all the wrong places if you genuinely think that you have to be ripped and a jerk to get and keep a woman. That’s not true at all. My fiance doesn’t have a five pack, not even a two pack of abs. He has a big gut, super skinny legs, and a giant nose. I think one of his eyes might be a little lazy too because sometimes when he looks at you, it doesn’t look like he’s looking right at you. He’s not even that smart, either. I got a bachelors degree and he got the shittiest education that I could ever imagine. Regardless, he has a heart of gold! He is very much a family man. He knows how to respect others. My mom called him “a chill guy” the other day. He gets along with others well. Okay, he doesn’t have the best humor in the world, but it’s gotten a lot better than it was when I met him. He is really good at doing research, which is kind of ironic since he’s not that smart… but he knows how to track people down and get in touch with people. He sends letters to military vets and has really good taste in TV. I think the part that sucks about that one is that when we aren’t together, I rarely have any TV to watch because I’d be watching it without him if I did. Everybody has flaws and everybody has strengths. I love my fiance, we’re growing together. I only found this page because I genuinely worry about the lack of passion that I feel and I was looking for advice on things that will help my marriage work or ways to ignite the fire while we’re married. He went away on a hunting trip and I was surprised on how much that affected the way I felt. It’s quite possible that we have just been spending too much time together and it was relaxing to just have a week to my own thoughts. Now that he’s back I can already see how my feelings have improved. I do love him… and typing this out actually made me realize that even more. So, whoever you are Mr. Recreated, I AM a woman who loves and respects her fiance, who is NOT a douchebag… He also doesn’t have a six pack.
I’m sorry you haven’t found a girl to love you unconditionally yet, but don’t go around spouting nonsense about how you have to be ripped and a douchebag!
Amy says
Annie,
I want to thank you so much for this insight. I am in the same situation as Maya. The only difference is that physical qualities aren’t what attracts me to a person. I am not turned off by my husband’s face. Instead, I’m the type of person who becomes attracted to emotional qualities and actions. I gain attraction to men I never thought I would be attracted to because of the way they act or handle themselves. My husband is extremely loving, and supportive, but unfortunately not a very confident person. The confidence is what turns me off and he knows he needs to work on that, for himself not just for me. We have a tremendous amount in common and he is the best friend I have ever had. I was always the type of person who said I would never settle and I would rather be alone than be with someone just to be with someone. But then, he came along. It happened in the blink of an eye and now here I am 5 years later. I don’t want to make such a rash decision by leaving him when I don’t completely know how I feel about it yet. He deserves better than that and would be absolutely heart broken if I left. I have been trying to find the answer for months, I see a therapist, who I have seen since before we were together, and I still don’t know what to do. I constantly wonder if there is hope that I can be physically attracted to him, because if I can than our marriage would be perfect. Your comments give me hope. I do feel that I have had a mindset from the beginning. He’s not what I always assumed I would end up with and I had always just thought it would be like a movie where I am passionately attracted to my best friend. But again, your comments give me hope that maybe I just can’t get out of my own head about the situation and that if I can learn to let that go, maybe physical attraction can grow.
Diya says
I am in the exact place in life too. I am married to my husband for 9 years and we dated for many years before that. the lack of attraction from my end is the only thing that’s wrong between us. I alway felt this way towards him but never had the guts to leave the relationship because of many reason. I was worried of what’s out there, he makes me feel comfortable, I can be myself around him, he really is my best friend at the end of the day. I understand Maya and many women who have written in the forum, it’s never really that simple. I know I am not going to leave him since we have a lot of good going for ourselves but I will alway miss not having that attraction , chemistry and will always be envious of others who have it.
Esoteric says
People always put so much emphasis on attraction, but there are negatives to attraction too. What if you have “attraction” with only unavailable people or abusers whether physically or emotionally? In addition, that “in love/attraction” feeling last at most 24 months. Usually goes away in a few months; then reality sets in. The day to day, which I call real life. My question to people who overly focus on attraction are – are you happy with life by yourself? Why do you feel you “need” attraction to be happy? No one thing will bring you happiness or fulfillment and it certainly does not come from another person. Having said that you cant be repulsed by your partner. And I do think there are people out there who have attraction plus the other qualities, but they are rare. And I’m sure they are struggling with something else. It’s the human condition to suffer. We are never satisfied.
Recreated says
Leave him and be honest you made the dam decision and knew it! Nice is the worst thing you can call a man period! Go find that guy that you think is perfect looking and see how long it takes before he cheates or abuses you!
Carlton says
Please! It is really not the big deal society makes it out to be. If the energy of attraction is not there AND if this is a type of energy that is very important to one of the partners, it will result in a low energy relationship full of dissapointment for all. Mostly, the urge to “stick it out” comes from societal pressures, which is why I presume the author originally wrote for help — to see if the general consensus follows her gut feeling.
follow your gut, sometimes short term discomfort is a requisite for success….for both partners.
halcyon_tc says
I wholeheartedly agree, annie!
Personally, I’ve experienced having my attraction grow considerably with a man not considered ‘good looking’, because his good character, kindness, personality, and overall vitality made him so irresistible to me that I ended up thinking he is a very good looking man indeed, after getting to know him better.
Conversely, I’ve experienced having my initial attraction to a man, considered to be very good looking (peers and co-worker’s general opinion), dim considerably due to what I perceived as a lack of moral character, displays of arrogance, and indifferent attitude towards others.
Granted, what we find attractive as individuals is subjective; however, my point is what a person chooses to focus on tells us a lot about what is considered important to them. Hopefully, Maya will choose to look a little deeper. Should she choose to cast aside this diamond in the rough, it will be her loss, not his.
Mae says
maybe she was looking for a green card…
NN says
You know.. that is how I have felt so many times.. If it is not there (for me)in the beginning, it won’t be their later on either – and I find it irresponsible for anyone to say that “it will come later”.
It might for some, but I know it won’t – not for me.. and I don’t settle – no matter how good the other qualities the man has. If there is no sexual attraction other then novelty, I am just not making that mistake anymore.
That is why I tend to go against the general view here – I know what that woman feels, even if I have never ever married or lived with any of them.
If there is no orgasm for me in sex with him, there is no real relationship with him either.
Cindym7878 says
I’m with Annie! Marriage is a commitment! What happens as we age, our faces sure change, so is it ok to divorce then as well? I think it’s a very sad situation and she outta “woman up” and honor her commitment and find ways to fall in love with him and make it work. I can’t get over how self centered this woman is. And what did her husband see in her that he wanted to marry her? Very, very sad…..
tunrayo says
Yes! Marriage. Is a commitment
Olesha Karrinbten says
Yes we age and no one is as beautiful or sexy forever …. But when old age comes the memories of a passion and attraction to your mate are part of the foundation that leads to a happiness down the road … Why is holding out for someone whom you feel a connection with physically deemed shallow…. It is like fast food it will fill you up …. But if you want nourishment you need a different kind of food …. Relationships should be nourishing . Looks aren’t everything …. But neither is being nice
Tink says
This is so true. We all age, and get more wrinkles, and things begin to sag. attraction is not just looks, it made up of lots of different things. However, we can meet an individual and be so drawn to them and attracted to that person. Doesn’t this change after some time?? So what is the difference in meeting someone that presents more kindness more do than the attraction? I believe a person has to be attracted to an individual in some way, to have married.
david says
Self entitled women, princesses, queens, what ever you want to call them. Its all in how they were brought up as a little girl. Most of these kinds of women expect the world delivered to them even at extreme health risk to the husband. The more self centered these women are the worse the marriage is going to be. Traits of Histrionic personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder, are all on the rise in society. Even in a marriage alot of men and women think its proper to sneak behind there spouses or partners back and flirt , give notes, exchange gifts and facial expressions of emotion like they are dating someone else while they are with someone. Commitment has flown out the window. Its like these people have no self respect anymore. Im gonna do what i want to do when i feel like doing it. This is narcissism at its finest. All of these chicks posting selfies on facebook, and the social media, even when they have a boyfriend to get attention from any guy who will make a comment are heading no where good. If you have no internal feelings of self esteem high enough to have self respect for your self and your current boyfriend then you are not quality relationship material by no means.
margaret says
Hi. I think you mean well. That maybe you are self aware and understand who who would be attracted to. But unfortunately for some other stuff fear pressure and family push people to make bad decisions. I myself tortured myself going out with a nice good guy for that reason. I could not make it happen. I learnt from mistake. Very painful. It’s not selfish of me or selfish of that lady.its lack of known ones self and understanding what is an necessary element in a relationship. Attraction is totally important. Otherwise it’s a waste of time. Why date at all just marry anyone and say all is wonderful. This lady needs compassion. She hurt another too bit it was not out of badness. Hope she gets the courage to leave. Regards margaret
Gina says
How hurtful to say she does not like his face. Nevertheless, she made a HUGE mistake marrying him. But thats what we do in life, as imperfect people, we make mistakes. If you have a student loan, its not going away, not even bankruptcy will remove it. A commitment was made, a promise to God. Keep your promises. She needs to be honest, tell him how she feels now and tell him she will keep her promise. Tough times ahead but that should be a warning to all single ones out there, singleness is a gift. The grass is greener on the other side because it takes a whole lot of serious effort to make it that way.
Androgynous says
Annie, with all due respects, I don’t think staying together for the sake of “commitment” when both parties are clearly unhappy makes any sense, particularly when there are no children involved. Marriage has always been about the care and protection of children, and in previous generations, the care and protection of women bearing those children. In your example, you stick to a job which you may not particularly enjoy because the alternative is poverty and starvation. Now, you stick to a marriage where both parties are clearly unhappy and not getting anything out of it because the alternative is….humiliation ? about not being able to stick to a commitment ?
Even the Catholic church grants annulments you know. The sister of my brother in law got granted an annulment by the Catholic church – despite having two children and her adultery – on the basis that she was too young and inexperienced and foolish when she got married.
Sorry, but for some reason women are expected to “love” a good man who treats her well while men are not under that same expectation. It is as if women have to be grateful for whatever comes their way, even if this may not be something they want. I’d say to Maya. Please find some way out of this before she is stupid enough to bring children into this dysfunctional marriage.
margaret says
Wise
Sophie says
You said that so well, I could not agree more. Annie is way off mark here when I doubt she’d do it herself. Comparing a marriage to a job you hate is not a good comparison.
Christie Hartman says
This is a very interesting counterpoint to many of our discussions on Evan’s blog. Usually we’re discussing why it’s a bad idea to focus too much on chemistry or physical attraction – now we have a great example of the opposite. The pendulum swings both ways. You don’t need chemistry to be really high, but it shouldn’t be really low or nonexistent either. It must be there, or the relationship is nothing more than friendship.
SparklingEmerald says
I think this is an example of people going from one EXTREME to another. EMK, and many other coaches advise against trying to base a relationship SOLELY on high chemistry, but NO ONE advocates marrying a man for whom you feel ZILCH or repulsion.
It is sad that Maya chose to marry a man for whom she did not feel an appropriate level of attraction for, but she did. There is no reason to continue on in her mistake.
Personally, I like to feel an initial attraction of 7-8 on a scale of 10 for a man. 9 or 10 clouds my judgement, 6 can grow, but it is unlikely. 5 or less is a no go for me, no matter how many people tell me I should “give him a chance”.
DeeGee says
SparklingEmerald said: “I like to feel an initial attraction of 7-8 on a scale of 10”
You may have been meaning your post differently, so please don’t take this personally, it is just my comments on part of what you said.
I also apologize ahead of time if this post sounds negative, it isn’t meant to.
Initial attraction means next to nothing.
You will know almost nothing about the person on your initial meeting other than “is their face good enough that I can see myself laying on top of them or under them”.
You will know nothing about their character.
Ask a battered woman what her initial attraction level was to her husband.
The entire problem I have with this, and perhaps it is because I am speaking from experience on the male end, is that women will completely rule a guy out if their initial attraction level isn’t high enough. Ask player coaches like Doc Love about this.
Another reason why initial attraction level is bunk and needs to be somehow done away with, is because that is exactly what pickup artists and players use to hook women.
Which causes the women to go around boo-hoo’ing over these terrible men, and leaves us regular guys with the dilemma of often either being alone or having to resort to using PUA methods ourselves.
I became tired of listening to some of the women who had “friend zoned” me always complaining about this (PUAs, players, and men who disappear). So I unfriended them and haven’t talked to them since.
chocolatechip says
That is so on point! I am a 25 year old female and I absolutely agree with you.initial attraction is THE stepping stone that the entire thing.if that doesn’t click,it ain’t worth it.
Miserably married says
I truly agree with so many replies, that staying in this relationship is a mistake. With no judgement, it’s the most horrible thing to live with. I am experiencing the exact same situation as Maya, the bad thing is, I separated for five years and got back with him and still no attraction for him. Sex is obsolete for us and has been 3 yrs before the separation. Don’t do it to yourself or him. I made a huge mistake.. Even a peck on the lips makes me sick..
annie says
Androgynous, I see your point, and thank you for posing your disagreement respectfully, I mean this response with all due respects as well. I’m not advocating that she stay forever in a miserable marriage, I’m saying that she should do everything in her power to make it not miserable because she did make a commitment. If they were just dating, I’d say walk away for sure. However, she did make the decision to commit to marriage, and I think to give up on it after only three months is a bit premature. I don’t think realistically a judgment can be made that two people are miserable and incompatible after only three months of marriage, especially when one person has had an “emotional foot” out the door since 2 months after they met. I think that she should completely commit mentally and emotionally and see if things improve once she is 100% present and emotionally committed. I realize the analogy to staying at a job is not the same, I was just trying to explain that if her mindset is such that she is focused on reasons she is unhappy or not attracted to him, these beliefs will be reinforced.
I know that I probably sound “old fashioned”, but I just find it disheartening when people give up easily on marriage. I feel like it should be a commitment to weather the ups and downs and persevere thru the times when it is not easy. Certainly, I think divorce is the best option in some cases, I just think it should truly be the last option.
AM says
Dear Annie, would you counsel my marriage problems please?? I completely agree with your school of thought! I am stuck in a similar situation and I am not ready to give up on marriage so casually as if it meant nothing!
Matriage is a life long commitment, and some of us make that decision in a haste or due to societal pressures very common in developing countries that people in the west would not be able to relate to.
We usually don’t approach counselors to ask their opinion whether or not to continue with our marriage. That is something that we can ofcourse decide on our own, and perhaps would have already got a divorce if we felt that was necessary. We approach experts so that they can help us fix the problem, not get out of it.
MJ says
I’m not Annie, altho I do agree with her thoughts on marriage and committment. I’m just thinking that no one has brought up the idea of temporarily separating to give each other “time out” to think. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes this absence will make or break a situation. You will either feel happier alone or you’ll remember all the good things and the reason you married in the first place.
Diana says
I am sorry to say this but Maya seems to be a bit immature. She may even be “young”. Poor guy…he very well may have a difficult time trusting women in the future.
Jasmine says
Hi Diana,
I’m sorry but I disagree here. You still need a base level of attraction,
whether you are young or older! Most religions will condone an active
sex life in any marriage, as each partner’s “right” or “duty” to the other.
Jeanne says
“You don’t need chemistry to be really high, but it shouldn’t be really low or nonexistent either. It must be there, or the relationship is nothing more than a friendship.”
Well-said. It is not fair to you or to your partner to stay in a relationship in which there is no chemistry or very low chemistry. The relationship is then doomed to failure. The last blog was on “settling”, but I would not want to settle or to think my partner was “settling” for me. What an insult to be “settled for”! Learn to be happy being single, and only marry the person that you can’t live without.
david says
There are a lot of women out there that will just ” settle” for a man because of security. Even if she knows something is missing. She knows she is settling but he doesnt. This is just deceitful on her part. Its at the time of divorce when alot of them say after they divorce or are having an affair before they leave the relationship with the one they are with. The majority of these women know this and will just use a man until what she really wants comes along Thats why so many men feel like stepping stones for women. You wonder why marriages are on the decline. because men are wising up to the biased court system. The deceitful mistakes women make who are more than eager to marry to get a contract signed should be equally held responsible for the failed marriage . This will help prevent one person just using the other partner waiting on what they are really waiting for!!!
Adam says
David,
Couldn’t agree with you more. I don’t believe in rushing into marriage and when I get married I am definitely getting a prenup. I have worked extremely hard for what success I have achieved. I have worked to accumulate the assets I have. There is no way I am going to give half of my stuff to some woman, absolutely no way.
And as this blog and others have shown beyond a reasonable doubt, many women do settle. They marry some poor, unsuspecting guy simply because he is “Mr. Good Enough,” a “good guy,” “would make a good father,” “takes good care of me,” “has a great job” and a million and one other STUPID reasons for getting married. They marry these poor guys, who are head over heels in love with them and because these women aren’t REALLY head over heels with these guys, the relationship is setup to fail before it even begins.
I think the underlying problem, again, not with every woman, but with many women, is they are genuinely not sexually attracted to guys who make good fathers and good husbands. Again, not every woman is this way, but many are. A guy who takes care of the kids, helps around the house and has a good while not exciting job, just doesn’t turn them on. And if they feel this way, this is OK, but they need to not marry or date these kinds of guys. Ladies, please decide what kind of guy you want and marry that guy. Settling does NOBODY a favor and will make you BOTH extremely miserable.
david says
You are smarter than most Adam. It took me years of marriage almost 20 . Divorce and then many court trips. What the &$&* is going on here? Years of reading books and tons of research and also analyzing others failed marriages. Plus Ive studied psychology. Very few women out there are marriage material today. Most of them have become self- entitled just because they give sex to you. A vagina to these kinds of women is just a tool to manipulate you into legal slavery and the court system backs them up. Unless you have studied it you just do not know. I’ll admit I didn’t know either. The older you get the wiser. I educate as many younger males as possible to the dangers of signing a marriage contract for him not the maybe future wife. It just isnt worth it. Am I on a crusade to spread the word you bet I am.
Denise says
I don’t think it has much to do with a man being a good husband and father being unattractive. Those are simply things that have absolutely nothing to do with sexual attractiveness. Those things make for a good relationship and longterm commitment, but no, it’s just a category error for a man to think that either of those things is what makes him sexually alluring.
Are men sexually attracted to women because they cook well or knit well? No. They are just different things.
Adam says
“I don’t think it has much to do with a man being a good husband and father being unattractive. Those are simply things that have absolutely nothing to do with sexual attractiveness.”
Denise,
I completely agree with you. Being a good husband and father have nothing to do with being sexy. The problem that I see is that some women are actually deciding to marry guys simply because they make good fathers, good husbands and / or have a great job. It is not a matter of men considering that these traits are sexy. It is a matter of women marrying guys with these traits while knowing deep down they aren’t sexually attracted to these men. That is what I see as the problem. When this happens, long term misery and eventual divorce is inevitable.
As to women being able to cook well, yes, it is a bonus but we don’t have an epidemic of women simply because they are great cooks. We do have an epidemic of women marrying men for completely stupid reasons.
Henriette says
@Adam wrote, “We do have an epidemic of women marrying men for completely stupid reasons.”
I think we could change that to, “We do have (perhaps: always have had) an epidemic of people marrying for completely stupid reasons.”
Jim says
@denise & adam you’re both full of crap. denise says “Are men sexually attracted to women because they cook well or knit well? No. They are just different things.” i would just absolutely love it coming home, seeing my woman slaving away over the stove with her cute little apron on. i’d sneak up behind her and grab her around the waist, sliding my hands up…. up… then i’d grab the front of her shirt and jerk it open. the buttons go flying and her tits bounce out. then my hand slides up her cute dress and…. well you get the point. sexuality is completely subjective and who’s to say that men aren’t turned on by women being good at wifely things? a dress can look ugly on one girl and other girl wears it well and is sexy. and you’re wrong if you think that women don’t get turned on by seeing a man who does well with children. now…in the context of this thought experiment, we have to assume you’re not a total ass-grab and married an absolute lard-tub simply because they were good at basket weaving or some other whimsical talent or trait that you find compatible. if you are a sad sod who did that then you only have yourself to blame for your misery. but if there was something genuine there and the fire is just burning out cause you’re getting bored then you are a fucknut that needs to pull their head out of their own ass.
Sue says
Very true. I myself was insecure when marrying my husband. He gave me everything he got but i just could not feel the attraction much. Now that i have a taste of security i want to move on to attraction. Thanks for pointing out for me! Its time for me to pay him back!
Ruby says
Maya sounds very immature and shallow, maybe even troubled, and I’m not sure she’d be a great match for anyone right now, sad to say. There’s really something to be said for working out your issues before you decide to get married. This marriage began under false pretenses, so sticking it out doesn’t make much sense to me.
Zann says
Spoiler alert: This is snarky. So, sorry, Maya, but I’m having a wee bit of trouble taking your problem seriously. What is it you’re not telling us, because clearly there’s gotta be more to this story. I could be wrong, but my guess is that you thought that marriage would be an easy entrance into something (citizenship, life of luxury, escape from parents, perks from being a Mrs. & entitled to half his assets, etc) and now that reality is kicking in, you suddenly realize …..what? That he has a face? Just how did that get by you? Did he wear a bandanna over his face like a bank robber, or a Darth Vader mask until the knot was tied? If it wasn’t so pathetic for your husband, it would be funny. I’m trying to imagine you in marriage counseling: “I knew there was something about him that wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it, until one morning I woke up, and there it was: his face!
Obviously, I don’t have any advice, but I don’t think you’re really looking for guidance. I think what you want is for us to rally behind you and agree that it’s soooo not fair when someone “tricks” you with all their niceness and caring and offers of commitment, and then — just when you think you really know them…………BAM it turns out they have a face and it’s not a pretty one. Personally, I just hate when that happens. Maybe we could start a support group, Women Who Married an Ugly Face By Mistake. The only thing worse I can imagine is if he turns out to be a leprechaun. Then you’re just really screwed.
KS says
You are awesome!
Dindin says
I love it! This is totally true!
Adreana says
LOL I agree with you! I would understand if the situation was an arranged marriage or something like that. But I think she didn’t have any other options and wanted to get it over with.
halcyon_tc says
Ahahahah!! Thanks for the chuckle – right on point!
Gemma says
Maya: Evan says “This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.”
I married someone who was attractive but was distant and arrogant. Never listened to me nor cared. That was not nice, and it only continued because of the children. Had there been no children, it would have ended. Simples.
If your husband shows you genuine affection, genuine care, brings you flowers and all the rest, be thankful for that alone. There are few out there who will even do this for you. Make something of what seems a bad situation, or it is going to become what you do not want.
My advice: give it nine months, but no chiildren! Your husband needs the attention, express his affection for you. Just allow him for generosity costs nothing and you may find that it brings you unexpected rewards. You are married after all. Most of all, have some fun if you can. That he is not attractive does not mean that he is bad.
Get him to grow a neatly cut short beard or something!!! It could work wonders for you. A little “cosmetic” change can do wonders.
What you need to do is explain your feelings; what does he say? He might then tell you things that you have never heard from a man like “you are the most beautiful woman in the whole of creation and I love you”. Have your say, and let him have his. Compromise for nine months. Work out a way out if necessary, but you may find you don’t need one.
Don’t look at his face, look at his heart. As he grows older, it is the one quality in a person worth having. If that heart is cold as my ex’s was, it has no worth. That marriage should never have been. At least yours has affection!
Evan, you say: “I just didn’t notice” his FACE? You would be surprised by what women don’t see. We are not men!!
Recreated says
Gemma,
You sound like a good woman but too many of your peers ruined that. I was capable of doing those til I learned to realize I was not attractive and be nice is the kiss of death. So now all I do is work out and gonna act just like these woman and be picky when I reach my goal. I will not buy flowers or dinner because it’s a waste of time because they will see that as being again too nice. Being a nice man or a good man is code for he is ugly! Sorry blame it on your fellow women. Yes women see looks just as much as men do!
Tina says
Okay, the attraction (at least for me) always exists at a few levels, not only physical levels but an intellectual level and there is also a level of character.
Sometimes, I consider some men as attractive ones and only two days later they reveal their unattractive sides (as limited mind and lack of good humor for example) and they are already ordinary men to me now.
The attraction is much more than a straight nose, thick hair and thin body.
I guess some people want to get this attraction in the beginning and when it’s missing they suffer, tell lies or just leave this date.
And yes, I’m 100% with this “… tell him the truth…”. Indeed.
Androgynous says
Yes, Annie I understand your point about working at a marriage and not giving up. This makes perfect sense for a couple who once shared a great love and whose love has faded with time and familiarity. However, 3 months into a marriage should be the happiest time possible for a couple, that’s why this period is called the “honeymoon” period. It does not bode well at all for the marriage for Maya to be having such doubts and dissatisfaction so soon. Instead of rushing to divorce, the best and only thing for Maya and her husband to do now is a trial separation. During this separation, neither should see other people as they are still technically married and third parties would only complicate things. If during this time Maya finds that she misses her husband, then yes there is something to salvage after all and the two of them should work at it in the way you suggested. If however Maya finds that she is much happier without her husband and actually relieved to be free of him, then the answer is clear. Working at it is simply prolonging the inevitable and providing an opportunity for things to get even more complicated should Maya get pregnant during this time. Sometimes people make mistakes and trying to turn around a bad situation is not necessarily the answer. Sometimes it is just best to end it quickly so everyone can move on.
HollyGo says
Your suggestion about the separation sounds good in theory. In reality the expectation that neither is going to see anyone else is naive. In all probability he hasn’t been getting much physical affection or nookie and that’s what the constant fights are about. Do you really expect him to forgot both entirely for some indefinite time period while she’s deliberating? She’s starved for passion. Do you really think she wouldn’t jump the first man she feels a pull toward? That’s not what people do.
Katherine Wakefield says
It sounds like you got swept along and hope that it would blossom. You have done a lot to please others and make them happy and have overlooked your needs!
I have been in a relationship like this and no matter how i tried it didnt develop. I ended the relationship as it wouldnt have lasted long term. He was a nice guy but if that connection isnt there it just isn’t. You owe it to your husband and yourself to be honest and take action to prevent further distress.
Androgynous says
Zann, I do think you are being a bit harsh. There is nothing in Maya’s story that would suggest she married her husband for pecuniary gain or gain of any sort. You are simply making that big leap of assumption. She made it quite clear that she married him because he was a good man and treated her right, and she hoped she would grow to love him. Lots of women make this kind of choice every day, having been brainwashed by the fact that they are being shallow for not loving a good man whom they do not find attractive. It all comes back to Evan’s previous post on “settling”. One fact that is being disputed here is whether or not there can be a relationship without sexual attraction. I think the general consensus here is that there must be some level of attraction for any relationship to have a shot at success. The next area of dispute is whether or not that attraction has to be based on looks. This is more contentious with some people arguing that looks should not matter.
At the end of the day, only the individual involved is entitled to make that call. Maya may be shallow to some, but hey she is the one living with the man, not any of her critics here. It is her life, her decision. If she misses out on a good man, well that’s her loss due to her inability to get past certain things – like his face. And I don’t think Maya is necessarily young and immature. It is to her credit that she gave this man a chance – shame that she married him before realizing what her true feelings were.
Ruby says
Androgynous #22
<<Maya may be shallow to some, but hey she is the one living with the man, not any of her critics here. It is her life, her decision. >>
Right, but she is also the one writing to a public advice blog for advice.
<<If she misses out on a good man, well that’s her loss due to her inability to get past certain things — like his face. And I don’t think Maya is necessarily young and immature.>>
That sounds like a contradiction. I don’t know how old she is, but anyone who marries because they are afraid of what their family thinks if they don’t, is not mature. And if she dislikes the face of the man she has agreed to love, honor, cherish, and look at, for the rest of her life, that sounds pretty shallow, immature, and perhaps even disturbed, to me.
<<It is to her credit that she gave this man a chance — shame that she married him before realizing what her true feelings were.>>
Marrying someone before you realize what your true feelings are is not doing anyone any favors. Unless problems arise later that you did not anticipate, you give someone a chance during the dating stage, not after you’ve agreed to spend the rest of your life with them.
thatgirl007 says
Evan, you said it all when you said: “Aw, Jesus, Maya” Really.
And Zann, I wholeheartedly agree and nearly snorted soda through my nose at your snarky, but completely real comments.
Dude, it’s his face! How could she not see his face and recognize her aversion to it? I mean…it boggles my mind!
HB says
Does anyone ever remember that there is such a thing as counseling? Personally, (just an opinion) I think that this kind of commitment is more than “being in love”. That’s a huge part, but there’s going to be times you don’t feel in love or feel attracted. It’s just part of life and living with other people. Marriage doesn’t seem selfless anymore… It seems like people approach marriage from more and more of a selfish perspective. I’m I delusional or does anyone else see it this way?
KT says
I have a little empathy for Maya. Here is my story. After years of falling madly in love with various men because of intense physical attraction, I met my husband of 22 years. he was not the best looking guy, and had/has some personality quirks I find a little irritating, BUT he was one who fell head over heals in love with me, wanted to be with me, marry me, have a family with me, travel and sing and dance and make music with me. We are best friends. Sexually, he would probably do anything I wanted, to please me, yet I do not feel the overwhelming attraction or desire I had with my past loves. In the beginning of our marriage, it seemed a small price to pay for all the good things we had together. We were in our mid thirties at the time. Maybe I felt the baby time bomb ticking. Maybe I thought I had had my fill and it would not matter. Maybe I ceased to trust in those madly in love feelings as in the past it did not turn out well for me. This man is smart, interesting, a terrific father to our daughter and a great companion in every way for me but sexually. I have come to terms with it and done my best to put myself in the mood, spin fantasies in my head, etc to make him happy. He, on the other hand, feels intense attraction to and satisfaction with me.
So I settled, for a great guy, but without this one element. But for my beautiful daughter, I don’t know if I would make the same choice again,
Norma says
I married someone I didnt love, 15yrs and 2 daughters later I am still not in love with him. Now he is no longer working trying to get disability, which has been denied, So I am the only one working, he has access to everything. Food card, bank account, car… I feel very depressed at times, because I have wasted 15 yrs of my life, I long to feel that butterfly feeling and that warm fuzzy feeling you feel when your in love. I have basically stayed with him because every time we talk about separating it tears my 11 yr olds heart apart. And with ,y luck once we do divorce, he will get his disability, I kno this sounds like Im money hungry, but Im not I was left with $150,000 when my dad passed away, sold everything to his liking, and basically I am still paying for the mistake I made. I did tell him I didnt love him before we got married, but he said just try it, weve been hurt both so much in the past lets just try to make a happy life for ourselves. I love my girls with all my heart, and basically this is my sacrifice to my kids. I honestly dont ever think I will ever stop thinking about the what ifs, and surely dont want my girls to fall into the same path, which they have seen. Maybe once they both graduate we can divorce, but whos gonna want me when Im 55 ?? I cant even imagine dating and starting all over again, so here I am sad, depressed and so alone. If he paid as much attention to me and my needs as he does the things he wants, and his dum tv, maybe I could fall in love with him.But so far nothing I dont mean to spill my junk out to you, but liked your answer, anyways, God bless and Hugz and TY for reading my lil book.
Sally Plummer says
I have been married 16 years with 2 kids
i have never been attracted to my husband and he has always known it
i tried to break it off on the beginning
i had severe depression and low self esteam. So we got married
so all these years later I miss having passion in my life
my husband doesn’t know how to be sexual
i feel like I am married to a child
i just wanted to share
thanks for listening
Tink says
Try not to be depressed. I do understand the T.V and chair frustration. That frustrates me. its so very sad toe, that ones outlet is that or spending money. i have found in almost every relationship there are issues. attraction in the beginning is important. That does fade as well.
James says
Yes Im in the same predicament although different as I am a man to have made the supposed mistake of marrying when I felt like this early on. I have tried to rationalise my actions over 14 years but recently had a mental breakdown over the issue, left my family, then returned and now the dust has settled I feel stuck like before. I’ve had so many theories about why I feel this way, to try to tell myself I really do want this marriage, blamed the fact that I was fostered and thus unconsciously felt I was not entitled to happiness in a family, separation anxiety, depression etc. but what really haunts me is thinking that I was just too fearful to break up. I was idealistic, full of religious guilt (amongst all other guilt types). People will read this and think it’s sad and pathetic, and be glad they don’t have these weaknesses, but I just thought I’d say this isn’t just a problem women have. I’ve longed to find a man that has travelled the same path as me that could offer some wisdom, but haven’t, and feel terribly isolated and in despair, like I’m the only person ever to make this ‘mistake’ if it can be called so. I’ve read self-help books, pressured myself that it’s because of my depression. The thing is, I feel I fell in love with my wife, just like anyone, and actually there was strong attraction and chemistry early on, but I noticed imperfections, and beat myself up about it, I couldn’t accept that I would break up over such an apparently shallow issue, and the idealist in me took over, and round and round it went. I trapped myself because I couldn’t deal with the anger and pain I would cause trying to end the relationship. Anyway, thanks if you read this, just getting it off my chest really..
Gina says
Im sorry. I just got married and 2 1/2 months into it, i find out he has an illness for 12 years. Im angry.
Evan Marc Katz says
How long were you dating before you got engaged?
sarahrahrah! says
@Maya:
I have a different take on this. If you like and are attracted to your husband’s body, that is a big start. Like everyone else, I am surprised that you didn’t recognize that you weren’t attracted to his face earlier. What I’m more curious about is if you like the way he smells or if you ever liked the way he smelled at any point in your relationship.
Here is why: scent is a huge indicator of sexual compatibility amongst people; if a man smells good to a woman, it usually means that he would provide enough genetic variation so as to ensure a vigorous immune system in their offspring. If he smells okay or good, one can usually find ways of being attracted to that person because they are chemically “primed” to be attracted to them. If you have never liked his scent, then it might be time to own up to your mistakes and walk away sooner rather than later. Here is a very important question: did you find him attractive at one point and then went on the pill (or other hormonal form of birth control) and no longer find him attractive? If so, STOP dialing that divorce attorney right now because that might be the answer to your problems.
Hormonal forms of birth control (as well as antidepressants) can drastically change your levels of attraction to somebody. In fact, taking the pill can cause you to be repulsed by men whom you would normally be most attracted to and more attracted to men who are genetically more similar to you (NOT what nature intended).
I don’t know if any of this applies to you, but it never hurts to to consider scientific research when questioning your biological drives.
Good luck to you!
halcyon_tc says
Great point, sarahrahrah!
JoC says
I agree with some of the other people here, who have hit on the possibility that Maya has some ‘conditioning’ issues from her family and was approaching her relationship from a point of view of making the ‘right decision’ and ‘pleasing her family’. by picking a man who had all the credentialls her family felt were there.
I know that a woman with low confidence, no real sense of self and a conditioned repsonse to please her family, would completely remove herself from a personal relationship and look at it like making a wise house purchase. I feel that this is what Maya has done – for whatever reason (I won’t make assumptions about her background). She saw a house/man that seemed OK, it was much better than the other ones she had come across. Maybe there was not much choice around her in the area, so this particular house/man by comparison seemed the best choice. So intially she felt semi-pleased with her decision – until she moved in. When you move into a house, you made a decision about too quickly, you miss all the important details, taking time and thinking for yourself would have revealed to you. You would have noticed the damp on the kitchen ceiling, the plaster coming off of the hallway and the fact that you really, actually (on closer inspection) hate the colour the house has been painted.
So, like a rush buyer, who was not using her heart at all and was only using her head (and the opinions of her family) she made a choice that backfired. Once she married him and her heart finally got a shot at communicating to her this was not the right decision – it was too late, and now she knows what she has done.
This is why it is so important to know who you are and what you want in a love relationship and truly connect with your heart to find out the real answers. Don’t listen to what your family wants, don’t listen to what your friends want, don’t listen to what magazines tell you you SHOULD want and (sorry Evan) don’t even listen to coaches who make you feel guilty if you’re not dating men who you don’t find attractive, by suggesting you are turning your nose up at them because of the mens looks or external attributes.
Listen to YOU. Because guess what? You have the right to be happy in a relationship, you have the right to make somebody else happy in a relationship and you have right to feel desire and attraction for your partner. So, if you honestly find certain types of men unattractive – its OK! There are so many different men in the world – you can’t like all of them, just as they won’t all like you. That’s what makes the world so perfect – there is someone out there for everyone. So please don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole – find out who you really are and what you genuinely want and listen to your heart, and your heart alone.
Karl R says
HB said: (#25)
“Marriage doesn’t seem selfless anymore… It seems like people approach marriage from more and more of a selfish perspective.”
I would say that people have always approached marriage from a selfish perspective. For a more in depth explanation, you might want to read this article.
From the article:
“Most acts that appear selfless actually function to serve the person’s own agenda; feeding their own self-perception, their need for approval, or a sacrifice designed to improve their stature in the eyes of their object of worship (i.e. God).”
You can’t assume selflessness just because you can’t see an obvious benefit. If you like to think of yourself as being selfless, then doing acts which appear selfless help reinforce your self-perception … which provides a selfish motive underlying the behavior.
Twisted, eh?
HB said: (#25)
“Does anyone ever remember that there is such a thing as counseling?”
In other circumstances, I might recommend it. But I don’t see Maya’s marriage standing a reasonable chance of lasting, even with counseling.
Maya has convinced herself that her husband’s facial features make him unattractive. Because of this belief, she has pulled away from her husband (physically and emotionally) to such a degree that it is causing fights on a regular basis.
It is possible to overlook someone’s unattractive features by focusing on their good features. It takes a certain amount of mental discipline. Nothing in Maya’s letter suggests that she has that amount of mental discipline. On the contrary, several of her statements suggest the opposite.
I think Maya ended up married because she followed the path of least resistance. Unfortunately for her, the path of least resistance going forward is a miserable marriage. Getting divorced will be harder. Changing her mindset and fixing her marriage will be harder still.
sthrnphoenix says
Dear God. I wouldn’t want to be her husband. If I had a spouse realize belatedly that he a) didn’t love me, b) didn’t find me attractive, and c) led me on all this time, I would be crushed. For those advising that she hang in there and get counseling, I understand how you feel, but I just don’t think it applies here. Her letter reeks of trying to find excuses that are acceptable for having done a horrible thing: married someone she didn’t want to marry without the first thought for what that would mean to him. She doesn’t want to be married to him; she just wants to be justified in divorcing him. Shame on her.
kinsia says
As I sit and read every ones reaction, tears flow down my face. Im in a similar situation, my husband and been married for two years. We dated on and off for 16yrs, I became pregnant with twins and married soon after I found out I was pregnant. I love my husband dearly that it has put me in a state of depression for the past year because I know im not sexually attractive to him. Just thought of telling and knowing I going to destroy him hurts me.I married him because I know is my ideal husband, ive tried different things to please him sexually I can no longer fake it, I have not had sex since April, he even said to me”I don’t think you like having sex with me” and I cried for days. I love him so much I can’t stomach telling him
AnnieC says
You did the wrong thing Maya. I hope you will own that, and take responsibility for the impact you have on other people’s lives, and not just the impact that events have on you.
Do the right thing, divorce this man, and if you want to date or marry, remember that you have an obligation to your partner, it is not all about you.
I feel so sorry for this husband.
Dawn says
The fact of the matter is she made a bad choice. She is withholding affection from her husband…simple.
She had to make a decision. Give him a chance, a real chance or give him the opportunity to find someone who will love him completely.
It is unfortunate that she makes him suffer because she is embarrassed. Too bad. Evan said it. Woman up!
luke says
This is why people should really be sure about what they are doing when they decide to get married. This is going to end badly for all parties involved.
melbet says
I have not enough information to judge this woman- it takes 2 to tango -however I noticed the compassionate response from JoC and felt very inspired by the clear directions and candid approach she was able to provide without remarking like the White Precious God Almighty Coming From a Superior World. JoC speaks from the hearth and no Scholarships in Precious – Princess – in Progress Training for Life Directions can beat that. Maya was taken for granted since the beginning and never had a real life to begin with. Think before you judge.
Anonymous says
I was in a relationship with someone who was very critical and told me they loved me but withdrew love and affection and criticized me when I wore certain clothes, didn’t wear my hair the way they wanted it. It became such an issue that it was almost like an ultimatum, “I don’t know if I can love you or be attracted to you because you don’t dress the way I want and you don’t color your grey hair.” I asked, where does this come from? Their answer was, “This is what my mom did for my dad.” (and they are unhappily married, constant power struggles, miserable, etc). This person was so controlling they would get upset if I didn’t wear makeup and dress up even when we were just laying around the house. I think this is representative of emotional immaturity, controllingness, someone who doesn’t have a clue what unconditional love is and if someone is like this with you, run. It will hurt at first but you don’t need the unrealistic perfectionist who is never happy. They are taking you for granted and will never value you. Rip off the band aid. They are self-absorbed, narcissistic and lack the capacity to love ANYONE.
MenOH says
I totally agree with you. Some people are just not capable to loving themselves let alone someone else! you’ll find they’re carrying too much baggage and can only drag you down with them. The only way is to get out and count your losses. Before anyone starts talking about counselling, in these cases I’m afraid, it just doesn’t work!
Anonymous says
Let’s be REAL. This wonderful man could get the best plastic surgeon to make his face meet her perfectionistic criteria and you know what would happen? She would immediately find some other reason why she couldn’t be with him. She needs serious help. I wonder what she is using him for, she certainly doesn’t value and appreciate him. He should run for his life.
Jane09 says
I feel sorry for Maya , and I feel defensive on her account. She is brave to own up to this very serious dilemma and brave to post here about it. The thing is we know nothing of her past , her background nor how she got to this point of “blindness” to marry a man then discover it did not turn out well as she is not attracted.
Ours is not to judge but maybe consider our own blind spots in relationships.
For myself this reminds how I married at 26 a handsome man I was attracted to and who was a perfect “match” on background/family etc (married after 18 months together ) . In my case the blindness was not seeing that he was cool and unemotional and withdrawn a lot of the time.
I believed that this lack of intimacy was only a natural stage of growing closer gradually over the years as my culture, religion and family background seemed to suggest would happen. I honestly believed thats how it was supposed to happen.
Needless to say his coolness became withdrawal and by a couple of years in he would hardly ever have sex with me. I lived in this hell pit for years , raising kids and feeling a failure because I wasnt attractive enough nor warm enough for him to want physical or emotional closeness…
It was a mistake , and a blindspot that I, an educated, white , Western woman with every potential for happiness just did not understand.Now I am 52 ,divorced many years and a lot wiser .
Just hoping for another chance 🙂
nicola says
I like Gemma’s comment most of all.
Women just don’t tend to notice physical things that a man would.
Do you think for one minute if the writer was ugly her husband would have married her?!
Of course not!
So don’t think she’s being shallow and unreasonable – she’s just being honest.
Heather says
I see this whole thing differently. I think Maya honestly fell in love with this guy. She married him, following her heart that was telling her this man was fulfilling her.
Many bride-to-be’s go through a time of deep soul searching heading into the marriage. Suddenly the weight of what they are about to do, in making this man their one-and-only-forever dawns on them, and the feelings take a back seat to constant, intense, mental analysis of the guy they are about to marry.
I think maybe for Maya that she didn’t hit this stage as a fiance’. The reality of her commitment only dawned on her with full weight AFTER marriage. Maya – this is what I would say to you – you are analyzing your husband meticulously these days because you realize now what a commitment marriage is, and you are afraid you just did the wrong thing. And so now you are focusing on everything you don’t like about your husband – stuff you were willing to overlook before while you were living from your heart – and now your mind is working overtime on it. You switched from living out this relationship from your heart, to living it out of your mind – constantly analyzing and assessing your decision to marry him.
You married him. You don’t need to figure out anymore whether or not you like his face – you made that face part of yourself and life till death do you part. You have to find a way to take a deep breath, calm down, and focus back on the things you love about this guy, not on his face. You’re obsessing over his face, and the more you do, the uglier and uglier he will look to you. Give yourself a break from thinking about his face… think about his heart. Think about his eyes. Think about anything that you actually LIKE about him… and let him love you. And love him back.
And yeah, maybe he could grow you some facial hair or something, ask him to do that for you. He probably will.
Just take a deep breath and focus on calming down the part of your mind that is working overboard with fear of this marriage.
Inom says
I was in Maya’s situation a few years ago. I also didn’t find my ex attractive even before I married him and he knew it. We had awful problems around this but got married anyway for immature reasons. He thought marriage would make things magically better and I just wanted to be married because I was turning 30. I got married because my family loved him too. It was a horrible mistake that wasted 3 years of our lives.
I’m dating again and refuse to be in a relationship that I don’t feel right about. Attraction really does matter and for some of us if it’s not there at some point, it will never grow.
Tinker says
Heather said:
[You married him. You don’t need to figure out anymore whether or not you like his face — you made that face part of yourself and life till death do you part. You have to find a way to take a deep breath, calm down, and focus back on the things you love about this guy, not on his face]
Heather, your comment is extremely insensitive. It’s true that she made a big mistake, but it’s a person’s life we’re talking about here. Two, actually. Her feelings are that she does not want to be with this man, that she’s obviously NOT in love with him. She’s not a slave, she has the right to happiness as much as anyone, despite her mistake.
We also need to hold the man up to some responsibility here. HOW could he not notice that this wasn’t a woman in love?? Come on. This is a grown man, not a little boy. The OP implied that this man is a lot less attractive than she is, so it’s possible that he wanted to ignore her lack of chemistry because he was being shallow.
Also, she’s not some “robot” that can flip the switch and make herself romantically attracted to this man, to want to be intimate with him. Humans can’t do that sweety. Grow a beard? Really? I doubt that’s any type of solution at all.
Maya, you seem to listen to everyone, your bf/husband’s family, your family and friends, you listen to everybody instead of yourself. This is a huge sign of self-esteem issues, maybe even depression.
Your lack of self-knowledge and desire to PLEASE others, dangerously, at the expense of your own happiness is seen to an extreme in this issue that you have shared with us. And it’s good that you wrote it here, because it can be a reminder to us all and to women in your situation.
Maya, you need to be more assertive, honey. Listen to yourself, pay attention to your feelings.
What happened to you is the result of being REALLY out of touch with your own self. Find yourself again, before being in another relationship. Create some distance with controlling, manipulative family members or friends. You have to become your own best friend.
I wonder what got your personality to be this way. Sometimes being raised by a very controlling family makes a person grow up to be an adult who really doesn’t know what he/she wants because they weren’t really allowed or encouraged to make their own decisions/choices.
But you can fix this, so that in the future you are sure about what you like and dislike in relationships/people. I cannot emphasize this enough: — SEEK COUNSELING– you need to work thru a lot of personal issues, and your self-esteem will rise to healthy levels and you’ll become more assertive. You will know what you want for your life. You won’t feel a desperated need to please your family and friends for acceptance. Aside from counseling, not instead of, get books about assertivity. If you’re feeling down, create an exercise/nutrition plan for yourself.
Take charge of your life, Maya. It’s the only one you have, and it’s precious.
sarah says
Wow! This was probably the most compassionate and BEST response I’ve read on this thread. Well said and couldn’t agree more! 🙂 Maya, I hope you have your answer now.
Kurt says
What an awful woman! Women like this are why women are hesitant about marriage. Why on earth would any woman marry a man to whom she wasn’t attracted? She should divorce him immediately before she ruins his life any more than she already has.
Maya says
Gemma, Annie, Androgynous..thank you for your advise. For others who think I married for financial reasons, let me clarify (though I shudnt have to ) that I am a financially independent person with a post graduate degree and a full time job. Me and my husband both have a separate bank account with funds in it. So yes, my husband is from same ethnic background as I am and his income is more or less same as mines. Now, I am not an American citizen who at times have total disregard to their elderly but I am someone, who if inexperienced in things like marriage, would definitely seek advise/help from elders or whosoever is experienced. Moving on, I am completely clueless in certain situations and have been indecisive many times. There have been times when I wanted to say things to my husband and would hold back just so as to avoid arguements that lead to nowhere and he getting angry. Even when I tried to look beyond external looks of my husband, I have been turned off by weakness of this personality. I like strong, decisive men. I dont like when I am being forced to do things just coz they are a part of being a “wife” and if I say no, the other person withdraws himself and goes in his shell. If I see this around me, I (wrongly) don’t communicate and then just let my husband do what he wants. I want to hurt my husband since he already is. For those of you who say that i haven’t told him about this, I would like to tell that I have clearly and honeslty told my husband (knowing its a big blow to a man’s ego) that I am not sexually attracted to you. He expects me to do things for him which I said to him are only possible (passion in bed, greeting him cheerfully when he comes home etc) if I have strong feelings for someone. Its not that I cannot do certain things that they like to make them happy. I have gone at lengths and out of comfort zone for people just because I liked them and accepted them and cherished the frndship that I shared. There was no commitment for doing so. And I hadn’t just done it for my ex bf, have done it for many frnds. I am 27 and had one relationship in past which was more of a friendship than a gf/bf or committed relationship. We both broke up realizing that we weren’t right for each other.
mia says
Maya as a divorce atty, I highly recommend several actions, trial separation with counseling, I like the facial hair and scent suggestions and if that fails a quick divorce. I recently broke up with a guy who was an old friend, we dated for a year and I too realized that no matter how much I enjoyed his company I did not love him. I kept waiting to feel something different and then felt guilty because he clearly loved me. Its very intoxicating to be loved, especially when you sincerely enjoy the other person. But the dark sides, (not looks in my case), but anger issues, negativity, etc. were also enough to make me finally break it off. He no longer speaks to me, which was a sign to me that I made the right decision. It sometimes takes more courage to leave than to stay.
Erica says
Nicola (#38),
if anything, women notice a lot more than men do. It is simply impossible not to notice a man’s face, and I fail to see any evidence that the LW is not “shallow” (putting the word in quotes here because I don’t believe we are all necessarily shallow for wanting to be only with people we find attractive).
Maya’s problems were what some have already mentioned: indecisiveness, weakness of character (which ironically enough are traits she despises in her husband), insecurity, and lack of self-awareness. I would add that there is also no clarity to her thinking. I was unable to understand post 43, for instance.
Sandra says
Maya is earnestly asking for help. Yes, Maya, it can be torture to stay years on end, with someone you have no sexual chemistry. Talk with him, and both of you decide to end it. You will find true love soon; you are young enough and so must be your husband.
Good luck!
Toadkisser says
Maya,
I did the same thing! I had to be drunk to have sex with my husband! He is the MOST boring person on the planet. I am not remotely attracted to him sexually, and can’t even sit across from him when eating! I make him sit next to me so I don’t have to LOOK at him!
He has no friends and is socially retarded! I don’t like to take him out. I SETTLED for lack of love, as the men I am attracted to are Assholes! I panicked due to age!
Hindsight!! I will never get married again!! Not worth it!!
My husband is a wonderful caring person and would never harm me! That is the trade off! Safety over Attraction!
jasmin says
I am in a similar boat- and its unbearable. I feel like I’m dying a slow death inside, every day, even as I go about trying to fulfill my obligations as a dutiful person. I live in a non-consummated marriage with no intimacy- we have never kissed, or held hands- forget about sex, and we have been married for 3 years. I have known him for 7. We tried to be intimate in the first few months- several times, but I would just…’freeze’ mid-way. I am normal btw. He felt rejected-naturally, and I thought time would help. When I reached out, a few months in, he remained cold and said he’d punish me. Then we both focused on our careers and have been pretending for everyone else that we are happy. We are affectionate occasionally-but its like friends. I care about this man deeply- because he has a good heart- but not in that way- and I never have- and I told him so, long before the marriage too. I truly believe that we both deserve better-we are both good, caring people, but we made this mistake. The only time I’ve seen my husband to be selfish was perhaps when he pushed to marry me- knowing fully well, that I was unhappy. That being said, I did end up finally saying yes- so I am most at fault.
In my case, I got married under extreme parental pressure and emotional blackmail, especially when my mother was having severe health issues, and my single 30-something status did not help. My husband was a friend in my life- who KNEW I was not remotely attracted to him- I never misled him. I said ‘no’ many times- almost for 4 years. Eventually, I got ‘swept’ along by circumstances, crushed my gut instinct, and thought it would be ok because he is a genuine, affectionate person- and everybody was happy- he, his family, my family- everyone except me. Please note- we never ‘dated’ so to speak- not so uncommon in my culture. That being said, we are both highly educated, and come from fairly liberal, yet conservative families. At the time, I thought I was being frivolous about not being ‘attracted’ to him-after all, marriage is about companionship. Now I know better- attraction is not just physical- thats an important part of it, but its also emotional, intellectual, in the connection;its in the persona, and I was never able to feel it for him- no matter how hard I tried. I don’t think just attraction is enough to sustain a marriage, but I now believe that a complete absence can totally destroy any chance a marriage has.
Over time, the frustration that we both feel has built up and we fight all the time now. Went for therapy and counselling- and it emerged that the healthiest option for us is divorce/annulment actually. I am now at the point where I truly don’t want to waste any more years of his or my life. I dream of having a normal, happy marriage- and children, with a man I love, just the way he is, and who loves me. I dream the same for my now separated husband, for he deserves it just as much. We both want a marriage thats happy- it may not be perfect, it may not be smooth, but at least there would be a relation. Currently, we are living in a marriage that is just a lie.
Get out now- don’t waste time. Its not fair to you or him.
JohnX says
I knew it.A lot of Women really are gold diggers.Disgusting creeps.Would rather be celibate than marry a gold digger.
Ai says
John x,
Sorry to burst your bubble but most men are gold diggers too. I remember the grin of pride on my husbands face when I paid for every outing and entertainment .
Be celibate, I’m with ya!
Kia says
Maya I have just read your situation and would like to know the decision you came to after all? Did things work out by you looking at him from a different light?
more says
Same situation!!! I always complain over there not being any good Men! So know I chosen to stay With Someone I’m not attracted to: ( I’m trying to looking beyond his face but my body is not responding
Carrie says
Maya, you are younger and I think you should divorce him – you have much time still to find someone who fulfills you more completely.
I’m also in the same sort of situation, but I’m a lot older. I married a kind, gentle man who proposed after knowing me for 6 weeks. I was somewhat attracted to him for those 6 weeks, but I know now that it was infatuation. We got married 6 months later and have now been married for two years. I had been with violent, alcoholic, and dishonest men in the past (including my previous husband), so I decided to go against my self-destructive instincts, to try to do something mature and “healthy” for a change, and married a predictable, kind, insecure, effeminate, and pretty boring man (he’s physically and behaviorally very feminine – very far from the type of man to whom I’m usually attracted). But it has gotten to the point, now, where I don’t like him to touch, let alone kiss, me. And it’s torturous, because I love him as a friend and I know he is likely the most kind-hearted man I’ll ever meet. We were in counseling for over a year of our two-year marriage, and now live separately in stressful limbo. He doesn’t want to get divorced, and I keep hoping that something will change with time and I’ll become attracted to him. I don’t plan on having kids or any sort of great romance any more, and my libido seems to have dropped with age. I wouldn’t even care if I didn’t have sex again, but my husband is constantly hurt by my lack of attraction and desire for him.
Melia says
I somehow understand what Maya is going through. There are many reasons why a person marries a person whom they don’t love. I am in the midst of a divorce with a man who does not want to divorce me. I am married for 2 years now and I am not in love with him even before we were married. I am now 34 years old and regret getting married for all the wrong reasons. Physical attraction is extremely important. I want to be a good wife but I turn into a horrible person when I am with him. I do not respect him, I use really really harsh words when I speak to him, and I am depressed as divorce is very expensive. In a culture where men are superior and divorce is easy if a man wants it, but horribly difficult when a woman wants out of the marriage, it is really tough. Especially now that I have met a man that I can love and who loves me, but I am still a married woman.
tracy says
Evan I agree with you 90% of the time but this time I only agree to half of your advice. Women NEED to feel attracted to a man to give him love and sex. Sorry many men do not like to hear this because the less attractive man always wants to feel he can get the babe. Most 100% of the time the babe is using him or she got out of a bad relationship. Also its not a bad thing to marry someone in 8 months, my ex proposed to me in 3 months!
When you get older, over 35 yrs you do not have much time to date forever and eight months is a long time to me. I would not do this but many many women get married to men they are not attracted to. if you are a man and your wife is hotter than you there often is an ulterior motive. Sorry men but this is true.
tom says
Evan is this a true statement ?
my ex cheated and then left me for an older (11 more than her) ,obese,unattractive much wealthier man ( she didn’t think much of him when she was with me ) ..in comparison she would be classed as a hottie as described in Tracy’s post…I do find it difficult to understand how she finds him sexually attractive and wonder if perhaps it’s just the security..she said I wasn’t worth the financial convienience and couldn’t believe she had to contribute financially to our RS ..thing is she was never materialistic and the complaints about money didn’t start till after she started cheating in our final year.
luckily she ended our RS without taking anything from me..this is my second go and both did the same so at 51 I’m fearful of being financially raped and having to rebuild should the third when and if I find her does the same.
I am in the same boat! says
This situation is EXACTLY my situation, but I am the husband. As our relationship moved forward in time, I felt increasingly trapped by outside pressures since we moved in together. Both families pressured us to marry.
To this day, she is just not my type and my eyes wander constantly to women who have the physical attributes I find attractive.
Google “the magnetic law of romantic attraction” to begin understanding how you ended up here. We are both weak in that we just went with the path of least resistance instead of fixing ourselves into someone who has fully detached from the family unity we were born into.
Now, I still feel stuck due to children, I am considering a mistress in order to fill the painful hole in my life.
For some, physical appearance in a mate is number one on the list, it is truly remarkable how I, and obviously you managed to overlook this fundamental fact.
Feel better knowing there are men out there in just the same circumstances, maybe you could be my mistress, lol.
judy says
Henriette 6 – I’m not American, and although I did not take this remark personally, “foreign women” are still WOMEN and human beings. It is just not on to make racist remarks like this.
I am in the same boat – 55: While I sympathise with you, when you say you feel stuck to your children, how about thinking about what your children will sense about their parents? So have a mistress if you have to – who am I to judge. Maybe you’ll fall in love with the mistress and move on and divorce. Don’t forget the consequences – the children will have two women in their lives – and the first one may become bitter and hateful. The second may not love your children. Think carefully about the decisions you make.
Henriette says
@judy 56: I am not American, either. I at no point brought the issue of race into my post but you jumped to the conclusion that I must be writing about a woman and man of different races and accused me based on your own racist assumptions. Next time you decide to attack a post, please read it carefully and examine your own biases, first.
tracy says
My mother is a smart woman. She said “never date or go out with a man you would not want to marry” My mom is right, you could have avoided this entire situation if you did not go out with the persons in the first place. Only allow people whom you can marry to occupy your romantic space.
Scott says
Simple rule if you are thinking of marrying a man you don’t find sexually attractive: tell him. Tell him you intend to make yourself available sexually, but it will likely always be a case of you “doing your duty” and never a case of you actually wanting to be with him. Tell him that you are giving up “tingles” for affection and commitment and support. Do not allow him to live in denial. Forcibly remove his blinders. Do not give him the hope that perhaps you will learn to desire him later. Demand to marry on the basis of honesty, and inform him that there is a strong chance your feelings will never change. No guarantee that the lack of desire won’t destroy your marriage. But at least you can live with yourself that you were honest and he can’t subsequently accuse you of misleading him. Yes, there is a risk that honesty will result in him breaking up with you. Still, in most cases that is a better result for you than getting married, both of you being miserable, and then getting divorced several years later.
Dying says
Hi Maya, I can totally relate. My husband and I (both 40)have been married 11 years now and we have two children together. He is a good man but I’ve never been attracted to him physically and emotionally. Because of fear of getting hurt, I made my decision based on logic rather than my heart. I felt obligated to be with him because he was good to me. Even though he knew my heart was not in it, he continued to plan and pay for the wedding. He told me I can say ” no” at the alter but I couldn’t do it in front of 200 of his family, friends, and relatives. His mom even told me ” You can’t back out now”. I was in my late twenties, a submissive pleaser. A person who doesn’t know herself nor what she wants to do in life. Only thing I knew for certain was to get married and have kids. It’s what we are socialize to do. My dad used to tell me its better marry someone who loves you so you will be happy. He said I will eventually grow to love him. Being an obedient daughter like I’ve always been, I thought he has lived through life and know whats best for me, so I’ve always approached men like I am buying a husband. Unlike men, we as woman have a biological clock to worry about too. After two years of marriage my mother in-law wonders why we don’t have kids yet. So that’s when I told her sex is not part of our marriage. Her immediate response was to get a divorce. I took it as her reacting to her disapproval and divorce did cross my mind. However, I did not have the courage to walk out and be on my own. I was also afraid to be labeled a divorcee. Anyhow, when one day, my mother-in-law listened in to a call from my doctor, she made an assumption that there is something wrong with me that why I couldn’t have kids. To prove her wrong, I got pregnant immediately. And before I made the decision to get pregnant, I was crying, knowing that this the beginning of the end to my life. I focused my energy on my baby and the rest of my life was of my kids. I live for them but there is always that emptiness inside me. Two years ago, I crossed path with this man…..
Sally Plummer says
Wow I feel your pain
i now have 2 special needs kids so getting a divorce is out of the question
i feel like we are living a lie
se don’t have a real marriage
David T says
Get.
Divorced.
Now.
I married out of a sense of obligation and a belief I would “grow to love her.” Well, even if she hadn’t been emotionally and physically violent, I have my doubts.
This is going to be hard to hear. Accepting it and not taking it personally is the best thing you can do for damage control, because that is where you are. People are going to lose and suffer no matter how this plays out, your kids, your kind husband yourself and your (presumably) lover you crossed paths with two years ago.
You do your children a disservice. Do you want them to seek a similar partner relationship as the one they see you model? How about if they find out you have been seeing someone else. Is that a good example?
You do this “man you crossed paths with two years ago” a disservice. In your position, such a relationship has zero future and will end in heartbreak for one or both of you. I can guarantee you that if this turned into a ongoing relationship it will almost certainly not survive your divorce, however the painful death it finds when one of you breaks it off and can’t even tell anyone about it for support, will be far harder.
You do yourself a disservice as you have driven yourself to a point where you compromise a solemn promise, where you make a huge commitment to prove your mother-in-law wrong.
Your husband sounds like a good man, maybe a little clueless, but someone who tried to give you every out and probably has deluded himself into thinking you actually love him. He will be crushed by a divorce, but devastated if he knows you have been having an affair.
End your marriage. It will be painful, but less so than the series of train wrecks for several people you care about that you will avert.
judy says
Henriette 57 – “foreign” is not the most accepting and tolerant word I know of.
Your second post painted a rather more complete picture of you.
Most posters feel free to express their opinions on here. Either negative or positive.
I maintain my point of view on both of your posts.
Henriette says
Judy: I take it that English is not one of your mother tongues? Definition of foreign: “of, from, in, or characteristic of a country or language other than one’s own.”
How hilarious that you choose to take offense to this word, and then accuse me of making “racist comments” as though accusing someone of racism is not incredibly offensive, especially when the issue of race was never raised by me… only by you.
In any case, your replies demonstrate what Evan is asking us women NOT to be: rude, presumptuous, and jumping to negative conclusions that make sense only in your own head. Trust me, if this is the way you behave with men ~ not just strangers on a message board ~ then… well *chuckle*…best of luck to you.
Jaqueline Friedberg says
Our outlook in how we conduct our actions most often changes our viewpoint. Sometimes this change is good and sometimes bad but it is our viewpoint that exerts the most control the way we feel.
Miss lisa says
Im sorry for your plight maya.It must have been hard for you to do what everyone thinks right, and even now more torturous because YOU have to live with it.
i have been through similar things and wish i could tell you what to do, but i think maybe its time to listen to your gut i stead of everyone else, and yes i understand now after being stuck myself that sometimes you cant just leave ,which all of these unhelpful dumbasses will never fully understand Or empathize with.
and don’t let people bully you because you aren’t as emotionally strong as they are. I only pray you have a friend to be by your side to help you through this awful mess you kinda got yourself into. as far as these people beating ip your intelligence, SCREW their opinions! Everyone makes mistakes for different reasons and i dont think anyone should be held so low for making a mistake like yours! Sounds to me you did it out if the goodness of your heart because you care very much about people! So much you put your desires last! I hope you can get out of this mess easily and learn to follow YOUR personal needs And let all these judging jackasses get stuck having to kiss and share sexual/ romantic interludes with a mistake they have made for the rest of their miserable lives!
Elizabeth says
I married someone i’m not attracted to. I was attracted to them when i married them because i was severely mentally unstable and when i got cured three years later, I discovered that I was not attracted to him and we had very little in common. He irritates me to death and he never speaks or has conversation with me. I was sick for so long, i could not afford to leave and now that i am well and working, i’m terrified to be old and alone. He is a decent man and loves me and is attracted to me, but we do not really have a close emotional relationship and rarely have sex because I am not attracted to his personality. It all comes down to personality mostly for me and intellect.
The other issue is that I do not think that sexual attraction usually lasts in marriages and when women hit 45 or 50, they lose their hormones that make them feel like they want sex. I could be going through menopause in 5 years, so why bother leaving now? I would be financially in bad shape and most likely not find someone else and not want sex anyway. I just think it might not be worth it to leave considering that sex after 45 is not really great anyway because of menopause.
Anonymous Girl says
Same here. I am a woman who got married to a wonderful caring man whom I have little sexual attraction. But as a ugly woman you have to take what you can get or be alone. Alone is just not an option for a woman in America.
none of ya business says
So you bsed him into thinking you loved him when you clearly never did, now you try to bs us that your family pushed you into it, teh right thing to do was tell him the truth before your family could even start giving a crap, dont date someone if you dont love him , skank.
Sorry but as a man awaiting his own divorce from another knot head like you , I have zero sympathy for you and I hope your husband takes you to the cleaners.
david says
Amen. Ive researched alot about relationships and marriages. Married women who get pregnant 22 to 30% of the babies born are not even for the man they are married to. We are all not stupid here. We all know how this happened. The sad thing is these women know it but most do not tell their husbands and make them think through deceit that it is his baby. Some husbands have doubt but unless they pursue it with the correct testing they will never know. i have a coworker whose uncle was told after eighteen years of him believing his son was actually his, but at the divorce his ex cunt finally told him the truth. This man still loved him and provided for him as if he was his any way, but my point is dont think most women are honest because they are not. To keep their life and security going they will lie cheat and steal to keep it.
Tom10 says
@ David #67.1
“Married women who get pregnant 22 to 30% of the babies born are not even for the man they are married to.”
I call BS on this figure. I think you just made that up.
“Ive researched alot about relationships and marriages”
Would you mind indicating the provenance of your research and statistics?
“We are all not stupid here”
Agreed. And when we see bullshit, we’re going to call you out on it.
david says
Yes that is not correct, now that I re read it myself. The correct statistics from dna testing is one out of three suspected babies born from a different father other than the one the mother claims is coming from renee.com . Yes thank you for pointing that out to me. In any fashion any of it is wrong by the mother to trap her husband by deceit. That would be alarmingly high.
Peter 51 says
Studies into the genetics behind English surnames suggest an illegitimacy rate (or perhaps adoptions) of 0.5% per generation. A 30% illegitimacy rate is completely at variance with this. I have never seen the source of this 30% study. Genetic testing of paternal lines cannot rule out a wife’s i fidelity with male relatives of the assumed father.
Flipper says
This is a load of BS, from the writer, and the commentators! If a man wrote the same article about not being attracted to his wife, he would be chastised and ridiculed for wanting a divorce, just because she isn’t attractive.
Shame on her for looking a plausible excuse for divorce. I hope he screws her best friend.
Ai says
And then what?
Eric says
You are spot on! If a man wrote an article about not being attracted to his wife, he would be called “shallow” a “pig” and everything else in the book. The perentage of women cheating on men almost equals the percentage of men cheating women. When a guy cheats, he is a “pig” but when a woman cheats, she did it because her “needs weren’t met” or for “emotional reasons.” What CRAP!!
Evan Marc Katz says
Everyone gets so defensive. I’m a truth-teller. I don’t take sides. Read all the women calling me a pig just for saying that men like hot women.
In other words, take your umbrage elsewhere. This is a place for honest conversations about universal subjects. It’s not for taking sides or playing the men vs. women card.
Dr. Dee says
Thanks, Evan. What many men and women often fail to realize is that neither gender has a monopoly on dishonesty, gold digging, cheating, or any other bad behavior people bring to relationships. However, what troubles me is how off-topic some of the (male) commenters are here. This woman isn’t a gold digger hell-bent on hurting her husband and calling her a “skank” or a “cunt” is clearly an indication of the commentators’ own pain and frustration. It’s hard to be sympathetic to anyone who hurls slurs at a woman who has asked for advice and admits things that are difficult to admit. Who has never hurt anyone even if it was unintentional? The attacks on her character from some of the commenters tell me a lot about the commenters and nothing about the woman they attack and abrade.
jmm says
A dude would not marry a woman he is not attracted to unless he wants money.
Also even if he did screw her best friend, it wouldn’t hurt Maya at all.
Hell, maybe he would fall in love with her best friend, the best friend actually wants him, and Maya would be out of the situation. lol.
– a woman
Chelsea says
I’m in the exact same boat same everything. I can’t tell you what you should do but I’m going to marry this man because I have a daughter (not his) anyone who has said you are shallow and heartless is judge mental and obviously doesn’t have an understanding heart. All I can say is live your dream find someone you can be intimate with find love! think with your mind not your heart the heart is fickle really weigh out positive and negitive. You are a woman take control of your femininity an believe you are a brave confident woman who can make it on her own and find a man who is equally yoked and YOUR ATTRACTED TOO. And don’t you dare settle
Steve55 says
Wow! How is it that everyone is assuming she is a foreign girl? Lol.i see nothing in her post that hints at that. Anyways, well, give it more time and no kids for now until you see what will be. If you can’t show him love and affection after giving it more time, then bail while you can and start over. Often times love can grow as you two share your lives together. Who knows, give it a try at least.
JR says
It’s time for a fetish fix, tell him you want to be his prostitute and charge him. Have some fun, with this, after all it’s not going to go away easy; you might as well get something out of it.
Tracey says
Thank god you don’t have kids with him.
That would be catastrophic!!
Ai says
Yep, thank God you don’t have kids with him. Some of us woke up too damn late.
Tink says
Hi, my situation is similar. I married a kind man who is so kind, however kind can be mean to. My issues are. He is not active, he refuses to do anything without me. he is very insecure and he has a lot of bad habits. I new this when we married. I thought somehow he would change, perhaps getting married would let him know how much I do love him and perhaps he would change his insecure behavior. He throws fits, I can’t say anything g to him, even in a calm fashion, as he flips out and starts blame shifting. I feel like I’m not attracted to him physically. I’ve spoke with him and he just don’t change. I’m so frustrated.
Bill says
I’ve been married for almost 6 years. Things were good in the beginning it seemed. I am still attracted to my wife but we disagree on a lot of things. I feel she is really hard to get along with on a daily basis or for me to. So I decided to stray from my marriage and cheat. I got on a dating site/app and started talking to other women.
I meet this woman online and I fell in love with her, although never met her in person. I didn’t tell her that I loved her but I did at the time. She seemed to be everything my wife wasn’t and I wished my wife were.
My wife and I had a big fight one night and she told me she wanted a divorce. The next day she said she was sorry and wanted us to be happy again. She looked at me and asked if we could try. That’s when the news of the virtual affair came to light. She asked if I wanted it to work between us then I would stop talking to the other woman. I thought seriously about it for days while my wife stayed at her parents. Then ultimately I decided that my family deserved a second chance. I ended the relationship with the other woman.
Months later things are only slightly better at home. So I guess I’m a weak person and started talking to other women again. I had been completely faithful up until this time. The woman I was in love with messages me out of the blue. It was totally random and very strange that I even found her again. We have been talking for a month now. Those feelings of love came back and this time I told her I was in love with her. She said she loved me too. So a couple more weeks of talking go on. She told that she had gotten sick while I was gone for those months. She had gotten cervical cancer but had been in remission for a few months now.
We finally had a chance to meet in person. I was so excited to meet her.
I was also prepared to have sex with her. I was also planning to possibly leave my wife for her afterwards.
I was staying at hotel for work and the woman lived an hour away. She came to see me. She was in her car waiting on me. I walked outside, walked to her car and bent down and gave her a passionate kiss. I just looked at her face. Then I noticed how big of a lady she was. My heart sank so deep. Guess I’m a good actor because she didn’t notice my extreme disappointment in her appearance. We drove down the street to get something to drink. I could tell she was happy. Inside I was so upset. I had seen pictures of her but the full body ones of her were old. First sign something was wrong I guess looking back on it now. We talked a little while and in middle of her talking to me and I starting crying. She didn’t know what was wrong. She asked if I needed to go back to the room, I said no. I told her I was a horrible person. She asked me why. I didn’t say. I said I just am.
She could tell I was really upset but I never told her the reason. I couldn’t do that to her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I still loved this woman.
She left after talking to me in parking lot of hotel for some time. Never once did I call her baby or say I love you while talking to her in person. She later messaged me on the way back home and said that I didn’t say those things to her and was something wrong. I didn’t know what to say.
The next day after not really talking to her all day, she messaged me and asked what was wrong. We usually talk all day long via text. I wrote her back saying that for a relationship to work I must be satisfied on all levels, physical and emotional. I tried to tell her in a subtle way that her weight was an issue for me. She didn’t understand me.
The next day she told me she had been crying a lot about me acting so funny and other things. She asked what was wrong again. I almost told her but couldn’t get it out. She told me that she had a long day and if I couldn’t talk now she would call me back. Before letting me go on the phone she told me she went back to the doctor. He informed her that her cancer was back and worse. She has a tumor on her ovary now.
She later sent in a text that because her body hasn’t been producing insulin correctly she had gained a lot of weight in this last year. I felt like the most disgusting person on earth in that moment. I’m so glad she didn’t understand my previous attempt to tell her that her weight was an issue. She is probably over one hundred pounds overweight for her height.
I feel like such a bad person. I rejected someone I love because of her size. I just feel that I couldn’t have a sexual relationship with her at all. I wouldn’t be able to get aroused for her, unless I thought of someone else the whole time.
I don’t believe in soul mates. I think there are probably millions of women that I could fall for in the world, so I don’t want to settle. Being single should be number one before dating again also. I’ve hurt to many people.
The worst part is I’m afraid I’ll be her last love. She may not get another chance to be happy again. I’m not going to leave my wife for her out if pity though. Just a very sad situation.
So I’ve decided to lie to her to save her at least that pain of being rejected for her appearance. She told me she would understand if I couldn’t leave my family for her. So I’m going with that.
Anonymous says
“Im married”…..forget the rest of the sentence, you blew it right there….and so did he. Men should not marry for any reason. The risks are too high, you’re living proof of it.
May says
I don’t know, but it sounds to me like there is A LOT more Maya doesn’t like about her husband than “some of his facial features.” I would guess it has more to do with his personality than she thinks, considering it took her 2 months to even notice there were parts of his face she didn’t like. She married someone she doesn’t love, plain and simple. Lots of people do it, it’s a big mistake, but it is understandable since most of us don’t want to be alone. And although she says her family didn’t pressure her into it, she did do it in part to make them happy.
Personally, I think NOW would be the time to end it…NOT after they become more established and have kids. But that’s just my opinion.
Kaitlyn says
I can relate to this post. I married a lovely man at a young age who was able to get me out of a messy family situation & provide me the world. After only a year, I realised that I wasn’t attracted to him & started fantasising about other men. This eventually led to an affair & me leaving the marriage out of guilt. We have stayed friends over the years. He has never met anyone else serious. I have been with someone over the past few years who I find incredibly attractive, our sex is phenomenal, we connect in a deep & beautiful way. However he does not possess the caring, doting traits of my husband, & I’m torn between what is important. My husband has asked me to give things another go on many occasions, & I have seriously considered it…but know I will never get the feeling when I wake up next to him in the morning, as I do with my recent relationship. The thought of kissing him kind of makes me cringe & he doesn’t have a smell that pulls me to him (pheromones). He isn’t an ugly man by any means, but that physical attraction just isn’t there. He’s absolutely lovely though. I don’t know whether I should just suck this up & be with him, since I said the vows & made a commitment. Torn…
Jeremy says
Kaitlyn,
i dont know you, and all I know of your situation is the limite description you provided. Based on that, however, I would urge you to let you ex husband go. Stop being “friends” with him. Stop communicating with him more than necessary. Let him go. You are keeping him as an orbiter in case you can’t find anything better, and n spite of the fact that you admit he repulsed you. As long as he believes he has a chance with you, it will be hard for him to move on.
He isn’t your friend. By your admission he’s in love with you still, and you don’t return the feeling. That makes him a friend zoned orbiter. Letting him go will help both of you move on IMHO.
Scott says
Don’t do it. You know you will never feel for him the way he wants you to feel. Next time you see him, tell him exactly how much better sex is with the other guy and how much better the other guy smells. Either he will be repulsed by you or you will be repulsed that he is willing to take you back after you said that. Either way, problem solved.
Eva says
what is love? kindness, patience, care, ect. isnt that what we feel for our family and friends? So what really differenciates a regular family or friendly relationship from a romantic one that leads to marriage? I had always thought the only difference btwn what I feel for my mum and my boyfriend is the physical attraction i feel towards him. See the problem with we humans is that we tend to be hypocrital. Love itself has nothing to do with attraction. That care we have for a regular good friend is no different from the care we have for a husband or wife. Therefore what we mean when we say “falling in love” is when we develop deep feelings of attraction to someone. This attraction is not influenced by personal. It is purely physical and superficial. Solack of physical attraction to someone forfeits the whole purpose of a romantic relationship. And no matter how much you grow to care about someone(love them) it will not translate intonphysical attraction towards a person who has the same body and face and mannerism you have always known ever since you met. If you cannot find physical attraction, then they are just as good as a family or friend. Let them go!!
vanessa says
I completely understand where you are coming from. I am married to my best friend. We have been together 25 years and we have a son together. I was instantly attracted to his kind heart and integrity. After, dating a couple of years I thought my feelings of attraction would increase. My feelings stayed the same and we got engaged and married. It’s complicated when you have a partner who is understanding, supportive and loving to whom you don’t feel any sexual chemistry with. Then, you add children and you stay for the family. I am not making any excuses….life is short, you and your husband deserve to be happy. Talk to him and explain how you feel. Take care.
Adam says
Ladies, don’t marry a guy you are not sexually attracted to. No matter how great he is in other respects, don’t do it. Just don’t do it. Part of a relationship is sexual compatibility. Don’t ever think it is not. If you are not attracted to a guy in a few dates, dump him and let him find a woman who is sexually attracted to him. You and he are not going to be happy if you are not attracted to him period.
Women are angry about strippers, porn addiction, prostitution and other vices that some married men fall into. And I can tell you this, there are some guys who, for whatever reason will fall into these and there is nothing that anyone can do. The wife can be perfect and they would still fall into these. You could say they are predisposed to these vices. But I would argue that the vast majority of the time, the guy wants a sexual relationship with his wife and she is, like OP and many other women in this discussion, simply not interested. She has and never had any interest in him sexually whatsoever. She has sex with him rarely if at all. First he tries to resolve it and if he doesn’t get a divorce, later he is going to get his needs met somewhere else. When this happens, when he gets his needs met elsewhere after you have denied him for months and even years on end, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Look ladies, guys are sexual beings. We need regular sex. It is not a nice to have, it is something we need. And we consider that in getting married and agreeing to support you, we will be having a healthy sex life. Most men desperately want to have a great relationship, including a great sex life with their wives. Just look at the wild success of Athol Kay and his books on this subject. But if honest communication, counseling and meeting your needs doesn’t work, he is going to have to get his needs met elsewhere.
Derrick says
Men,
Don’t get married in the first place, stay single and just do what you want and screw who you want. No woman is worth half of your money.
david says
Amen to your statement. Women are not worth the risk today. Marriage and the laws are for women only. Statistics for a man today are totally against him getting married today. Whats even worse the courts are backing it up. You want to have kids ,great get married. Women are hard to figure out simply because they do not want to be figured out. Men are simple . Women are complicated. There are many theories associated with divorce that they think that women spend the money which helps the economy out and generally most men try to hold on to their money. I was married for almost 20 years and I know I will never do it again. I’m way happier single. Do way better for myself, have alot more.than when i was married. Women do not draw the line for me I draw the line and if they do not like it do not let the door hit you in the rear.
david says
There is something markedly disturbing here as its just history repeating itself. Far far far too many women hook up with a man just because . what I mean is they have to be with “some one a man” . What is even more disturbing is the deceit and dishonesty that is hidden by these women just to get dinners paid for, romantic outings, gifts or whatever you know what is on the list that men as gentlemen try to do to show some form of emotional affection and appreciation for a woman and the whole while he is being emotionally scammed by this woman. Humanity on a large scale is starting to suck. Its best to tell the truth and be honest instead of using someone, that’s disturbing. I’ve spent alot of time studying psychology and did alot of research . You will learn that woman are just as deceitful if not more so than men and the situation is getting worse. Most of them will do almost anything to achieve what they are really after “emotional security and financial security” This is what its all about for them. If a man comes along and makes a little more “financial security” or let me translate that for you “money” they will do their best to gain his emotional security next. How do they do this? By I call it “learned manipulation” They try to look the most sexiest in competition with all the other girls or women in the group. You ever heard the word jealousy women are experts at it. Most all womens self-esteem is in their looks. At an extreme its called narcissism with alot of disorders to go with it. The word or term you’ve heard this before when a woman says at the time of divorce she says “I’ve just settled” as the excuse later. What she is saying is that the man will do for now until what she really wants comes along. That s why most men are just stepping stones for most women. Or you have heard this before also “I’m hoping hell change”. All of these are clues to how they are looking for being treated as “special” . When these women are held accountable for their own mistakes by marrying a man knowing he is not what she really wants, but hell do for now attitude. And what I mean is financially held accountable equally instead of the man always being financially held responsible solely by himself for her hidden under the table agenda. You will see more and more men opting out of marriage all together. I teach as many men as possible about what most women are really all about. There are very few women out their that are on an equal mental level and really want an equal invested relationship. Don’t fool yourselves into thinking otherwise. Women are in a hurry to find “security” through your pocket and she is looking to feel secure in the relationship by him displaying his emotional connection to her by the way she takes care of his sexual needs. Basically she is only giving sex to him in exchange for “security” equals the amount of money he makes . But this is not enough for her. If she feels threatened by his lack of emotions guaranteeing that emotional security she wants. She will secretly weigh out her options to leave him as “What can I leave this relationship with? She will take half of the money and whatever else she wants kids most likely will be awarded to her . The man will be paying child support and alot of cases for a while spousal support or alimony. Now you understand too why alot of women are with men that make alot of money get to where they donot care if he sleeps around on her as long as she gets to do what she wants as far as not working and gets to spend relentless amounts of his income. Alot of these woman also are secretly sleeping around. If she leaves the relationship most cases it will be after she has seen the fortune build which has guaranteed her the financial security she has wanted. with a good attorney she will get more. This older woman if she has great looks will then look for the younger good looking sexual stud to emotionally and sexually take care of her then. She has already gained her financial security. I will keep teaching and encouraging men to educate themselves as to what its all about. As far as I am concerned a marriage license is nothing more than a legal slave contract that binds the man in a contract to be responsible for everything associated with it. The laws today do not make the woman accountable at divorce for anything. When divorce comes the man is being charged financially for the sex that his soon to be former wife has given to him… When and if the laws become equal across the board in the courtroom to hold women accountable you will see the marriage rates go up but until them HAPPY NO MARRIAGE. Make these women accountable also and they will think twice or three times before entering a marriage and contributing to a mistake.
starthrower68 says
Perhaps a free society is not ideal for you. There are plenty of places in the world a woman can be stoned for even the slightest perceived offense. Maybe that culture would be more to your liking.
david says
No one needs to be stoned. Its as simple as law changing in this country to look at each gender in an equal fashion. You talk about freedom freedom to do what? If two people enter into a legal binding marriage contract it took both for it to fail then both should equally pay the price for it, but in todays society that doesnt happen. Men need to take back their family jewels and own them and stop giving into the Narcissistic self entitled princesses. As soon as that contract is signed she knows she has him hooked. i know plenty of women that have made that remark. Marriage rates are steadily falling in the United States and over seas as well. Austrailia is concerned about it its so bad. 70 to 93% of divorces are filed by women . Protective and restraining orders are filed mainly by women AT NO CHARGE and alot of women use this tactic to use the false created drama to make the husband appear he did something to harm her when it never did happen. He didnt have to do anything at all, but for her to get her way all she has to do is accuse her husband and he will be restricted from his home and the kids until court time. I know enough attorneys and some judges and they have been slowly catching on to this and alot of them are realizing that the wife is the crazy making abuser not the husband. There is too much to list that needs to be changed.
jessi says
dnt jst back out of d mariage give it more tym and this time connect ur heart , luk beyound d facial apearance try to see the good qualities make up ur mind to give ur luv life a chance.
Jeena says
I just want to commend Evan! The advice given here was absolutely spot on.
anna says
Eish sorry maya its sad bcs I’m also in the same situation its just that I’m scared to turn off the proposal I’m worried about my family that what will they think of me once they find out I’m not inlove with this guy the guy I’m I love is the one who comes from devorcey
Rose says
This story sounds very similar to mine. I didn’t get married to make anyone else happy…actually went against my family because I was young. I truly thought I’d develop a magical passion for my 1st husband if he was passionate towards me. He was not. It was constant arguing about this subject. I blamed him because he wasn’t intimate with me often. I really thought if he were, I’d feel what I should feel. I had had a boyfriend when I was very young who I felt passionate about, and so I knew what was lacking. Unfortunately, I (we) subscribed to the exact advice Annie has given above. We also would give others that advice, because hey…if we could stay together you could too! We were often like buddies or good roommates. I won’t say we didn’t live each other, but it was not a passionate love you would have towards a spouse. We were friends…which made it hard because you don’t want to hurt your friend. After being married for 20 yrs (together for 22) the crap hit the fan. I couldn’t deal with the nonexistent sexual attraction & intimacy any longer. There was a huge blow out & THEN he started trying to be with me like a wife. It was too late & not only that, I found that it didn’t help. He obviously was never attracted to me in that way & neither was I towards him! I literally didn’t figure this out until that point, because I always believed if he wanted me more, if reciprocate. No. That is stupid. So because we were raised to be committed & try to make it work, we ended up divorced after 22 yrs of marriage & having 3 kids. What a waste…outlet entire youths, in fact. I never wanted to hurt his feelings & would back put of divorce repeatedly. Don’t do that. With all due respect, don’t take the advice of trying to make it work because you can’t make yourself be attracted to another. And you can’t be counseled into wanting them, either. That’s not how it works. You both will end up miserable & divorced in the end, anyway. Acknowledge that you made a HUGE mistake & end it. And do not make that mistake again. I’m happy to report that I’m now married to that one boyfriend who I felt passionate about when I was very young. He is passionate towards me too & we even had a late in life baby. I have never in my life been happier & now know what a real marriage is supposed to be like. It’s a true gift from God! Don’t let others guilt you into wasting your years (and his!). Be brave & set him free so you both can have a life free of constant misery.
anonymous98 says
Leave him because he dose not diserve a girl like you. You are superficial and he as a good man who diserves a truly good girl and not a scum like you. I do not care about who you think you are, because you are nothing. A great man like that diserves a girl that will love him for who he is, not a scumbag like you who inly wants a man for looks and looks fade eventuality so why do you even care? Please do him a favor and let him find a girl that actually loves him for his personality and not looks.
kinsia says
His face does not bother me
Dr. Dee says
Unfortunately, I have been in Maya’s predicament. Though I never married the man, I did have to end the relationship when he wanted it to become physical and I realized that I could never be intimate with him. I have noticed that several people leaving comments are extremely critical and judgmental. Yes, we all have our opinions and our experiences. However, I don’t think it’s helpful for those responding “pathologize” this women or make aspersions about her character her for marrying a man for whom she feels no attraction. She made a mistake that, clearly, she realizes and that causes her great suffering. There is no doubt that this woman is a sensitive person and is suffering because she knows how much pain her decision to end the marriage and the reasons for her decision will cause her husband. It is virtually impossible to generate physical attraction at will. It can happen, but in my 48 years, I have never seen it. I met a man in college who has loved and pursued me for 25 years, and in all of that time I have NEVER felt one ounce of sexual desire or physical attraction. I am fortunate that my loneliness and desire for a relationship never became so intense that I would “settle” for a one-sided love. But some women (and men) do marry people they hope they will fall in love with–one day. It isn’t that uncommon. If she does not leave now, then she will have spent more time in a marriage that will only give her husband false hope–and that is cruel beyond measure. They have no children and have not been married long. If they part now, both will have a lot less invested emotionally than if they part months or years later. As it stands now, they have a greater chance of recovering from the pain than if they wait. Divorce is never easy, but there is no real marriage here, and it’s clear that this woman wants to end things. She should and quickly for both her and her husband’s sake.
Steven says
This isn’t surprising or rare. At all. How many women do you know who go for an alpha/bad boy when they’re young and looking for love and then marry a beta later in life? That’s not a rhetorical question. Seriously, think about it.
Women usually don’t love their husbands. She is awful for marrying a man she doesn’t love him will soon be butchering him in our divorce courts. He’s stupid for not realizing that as a beta he’s unloveable and should never marry as this is what happens to betas who marry.
Moral of the story: men who are betas, have multiple degrees, no criminal record and a career have no business marrying unless this is what they want to have happen to them. If he wants true love, he needs to be ready to make the sacrifices it takes to get it. There are no short cuts in life.
I know it’s the woman who’s looking for advice, but here’s some for the man. Decide if true love is worth all the sacrifices. If it is, quit your job, get a criminal record, join a gang, spend your time in bars where the high value women are looking for love.
Karmic Equation says
You left out get plastic surgery and hire a personal trainer.
Men seem to conveniently forget that most alpha/bad boys are freakin’ hot.
That is the initial attraction. And because they are hot, they get a lot of attention from women. And because they get a lot of attention from women THEN they start treating women like commodities–he dumps one, another one is waiting in line. And then women who are very competitive with other women want to “win” this hot man who has options so that other women would envy her because she must be all that to tame such an untameable guy.
Evan Marc Katz says
“Women usually don’t love their husbands.” This may be the dumbest statement ever uttered on this blog. And that says a LOT.
Wait – maybe this is even dumber: “As a beta, he’s unloveable and should never marry.”
Where do you people come from with these ridiculous beliefs? Go back there.
Ding Dong says
Get a divorce asap and get on with your lives. “Attractive” can mean a million things to a million people. It IS in the eye of the beholder. But how you could have married someone you didn’t find attractive, is totally bizarre. I was engaged to someone many years ago and one day I looked at him and thought “what the hell am I doing?” And I broke it off. It wasn’t fair to him – or me. It was one of those lightbulb moments when I nearly “settled”…… it was a rebound relationship and was nearly a big disastrous divorce too! Get out get out get and and make damn sure you commit to someone – if there is a next time – for all the right reasons. BTW I did not end up marrying anyone, I am still single, but I do NOT regret giving up that relationship because I knew it was the “right” thing to do in the long run. Great guy but just not for me, I just felt repulsed every time we had sex by the end.
MB says
I will never understand people that know they don’t find somebody attractive, yet date or marry them anyway.
The husband deserves a woman who will appreciate him for who he is. No one wants to be viewed as a person who is being “settled” for. No one wants to be second choice, not good enough. Although looks ARE important in relationships, it seems that many people place way too much emphasis on appearance above character.
I was 23 when I met my husband. I was a cute girl with a nice little hourglass shape. But in today’s society, that isn’t good enough. My husband seems to prefer women that fit the stereotypical cookie-cutter type of beauty…white, long blonde or brown hair, narrow hips, fake boobs, very generic faces. I am a mixed (black and white) woman with curly dark hair and curvy hips and exotic features. So initially, while he liked my personality, my looks weren’t his ideal.
Sometimes it bums me out and sometimes it hurts to know that he doesn’t see me in the way that he sees, for instance, somebody like Charlotte McKinney or Katherine Webb. But he does value me as a person (as he should!) and we make one another laugh and we have a pretty good marriage otherwise. Would I change anything about his looks? Not at all. But sometimes I feel that he wishes I looked different.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that when choosing a partner, the kindest thing you can do is pass on somebody you aren’t attracted to, rather than having a relationship with that person. It is dishonest to be with somebody if you feel that you can do “better”. That person deserves a relationship with somebody who IS attracted to them and you should be with somebody you like looking at if appearances are so important to you.
Sometimes we miss out on the chance to connect with wonderful people (whether for friendships or romance) because we can’t look beyond the surface. As human beings, we are all “shallow” in our own ways to some extent…but at some point you should mature and not allow your preferences to be dictated by what society says or what your social circle finds attractive.
Ben says
No wonder the divorce rate is so very high nowadays.
Kelly says
Ok so this sounds horrible and people
Will hate me for it. Thr way i see it though is, dont judge me unless youve walked in my shoes. I spent a year homeless on the street. Actually sleeping outside carrying all of my belongings with me. I had lost everything little by little my car my apartment, my clothes, my professional hair color finally grew out, so in many ways i had lost my looks. Thank God i had not lost them conpletely though bc what ended up getting me off the street were a few different men with whom i am not only not attracted to physically but i dont even like talking or being around them. I love how the one comment says “cringe fest” when sleeping with a guy bc i have totally been there. What shocks me though is that i was with these men out of desperation and i was getting something out of it. It shocks me that women will be with a man that they feel no sexual or physical attraction to but they arent even getting any sort of benefit to it it seems to me like being a gluton for self punishment.
Now, what i didnt mention is that i hsve a real boyfriend who i loge ans cherish, he doesnt know ive been with these other men. He is fum and exciting and gorgeous and its amazing to me how sex with him and even just his touch or kisses are so amazong anf i crave them and want them but that these other men could do the same thing and i cringe. Sex with a man you arw repulsed by or just not attracted to i think is the worst thing in the World. I look at it like a job. It sucks but you do it as a means to an end. So, it blows my mind that these women are doing it for no good reason. I just dont get it.
I would love to be in a financial situation that i could just never talk to these guys again and live happily ecer after with my boyfriend. If you had that type of financial independce why not just hold out for a guy who has qualitiea emtionally, physically and everything else that you actually are attracted to. I mean im seriously not judging im just wondering.
Truth says
Then again, you should have never married in the first place to begin with.
Another Voice says
I made this mistake! We were married for two years exactly.. on our 2nd wedding anniversary he woke up and told me that he loved me, but was not in love with me.. and leaving. Now I had to face the world alone with a 6 month old baby. At the moment, I was shocked but not totally sad… it was almost a relief to be honest to the point that I did not see he was leaving me for another woman..
I made it, but it took a toll on me. I am sorry I married the guy.. and no one knew how we got to that glorious day. Its been hard to date raising a child.. and now as an empty nester… I am trying to find someone new.
I think it is best to get out of the situation as fast as you can. Children complicate things… but it is not there precious little faults… its ours.
I dont have any great recommendations. I always like my ex… saw him to his last days… but I have paid a big price…. and I guess it is about minimizing the loss.
Adreana says
If I was her husband I would be outraged! Imagine marrying a guy thinking he’s crazy attracted to you and madly in love, only to figure out later he doesn’t even wanna look at you. Ladies, if you are visual that’s OK-just don’t lie to yourself and put a man you don’t want through all this unnecessary pain. Sexual chemistry is a BIG part of a relationship and if you’re not feeling it …well it’s not going to work for either of you. It’s sad that she didn’t even mention things like ” he had a sense of humor”, “is fun”, is “smart”….etc. but all she had to say is he was “nice”. Who chooses to commit their entire lives to someone just because their nice? Do we choose our friends, employees, presidential leaders …etc just because their nice????
I hope they leave each other and learn from this.
Buck25 says
If I can make one small suggestion, how about, we all agree to stop using the words “shallow” and “superficial” with regard to each other’s attraction preferences (this goes for BOTH genders). I really think we should. A lot of us, on both sides of the gender fence, have been tossing around these rather judgmental terms (which they are, in the context in which they’re usually used here), usually in some attempt to suggest that the attraction preferences/requirements of some or all of the other gender are somehow not fair. This strikes me as futile, and completely unproductive.
Let’s try to understand that any and all of us are attracted to what we’re attracted to. I don’t believe any of us, men or women, sit down with malice aforethought to come up with preferences designed to annoy the opposite sex. I don’t think we invent these out of the whole cloth, just to make it hard for the other gender. So do you suppose we could maybe just respect each other’s individual preferences, and suspend the judging, and the arguing, and the criticism? We don’t have to understand someone else’s preferences, or agree with them. This guy wants to date younger women? Fine, This woman wants to date a man twenty years younger. Fine. You don’t date fat people, or skinny people,or smokers, or vegans, or Democrats, or people who own Dobermans…or whatever? Fine. and you know what, not one of us should have to justify or explain to anyone else here, what turns him/her on or off, or why. The pickier anyone is, the smaller their range of potential dates/partners; but isn’t that their problem, (not yours)? Why do the rest of us have to weigh in? Ask yourself how many arguments you’ve seen here, because someone either didn’t feel free to honestly state what was attractive to them, or immediately got slammed, because someone else decided they disagreed? Then ask yourself whether you’ve even once seen all the resulting vitriol change anyone’s ideas of what they were attracted to. And what’s with this bit that if potential partner is “a good man” or “a good woman” it’s ok to shame the person who says, “But he/she just doesn’t turn me on!”; what about that?
Sexual attraction is an indispensable part of a long term relationship. I get that it’s not the only thing that matters; emotional compatibility and connection may well mean more in the long run; but the idea that we can turn that into pretending that sexual attraction doesn’t matter? Isn’t that exactly what led to the marriage that led to the problem we’re discussing right here, right now? Look people, We can and sometimes do, grow to love, not just like, someone over time (IF we’re physically attracted to them in the first place,) and if the emotional connection gets stronger, and if we find some of their personal qualities, behaviors, etc. endearing; but we cannot, we damn well cannot, learn to, or make ourselves to, or will ourselves to, be attracted to someone, when for whatever reason, we simply are not. ATTRACTION IS NOT A CHOICE! We cannot make it happen, and conflating the idea of learning to love someone we might not like so much at first, but do feel physical attraction to, with the idea that we can somehow “learn” to be attracted to someone when we are not, is exactly how trainwrecks like MAYA’s marriage happen in the first place! “Growing to love someone”? Sure that happens, happens a lot, and yes, it may increase sexual attraction, to someone we’re already sexually attracted to to some significant degree. “Growing to be sexually attracted to someone”, without any significant sexual attraction in the first place? That, frankly speaking, is not only delusional, it is a flat-out, no-doubt-about -it, LIE, told to ourselves and and a partner, and if there is any doubt in any of your minds of just how pernicious a lie it is, you have only to look at the example before us. This is NOT a good idea; no matter how perfect a partner in every other respect, he or she is; if you are not sexually attracted to him or her, enough so that the idea of sex with that person is not merely acceptable but something you anticipate with a thrill, a committed relationship (much else a marriage) with that person can only hurt them and you. If you cannot bring yourself to respect that man or woman who is committing to be with you enough, to be completely honest about that, you have done something far worse, and far more hurtful than rejecting someone for not meeting even the the most “shallow” attraction preference you could have. I have been on this planet for 68 years. There are damn few things I’m absolutely certain of. This is one of them!
Liz says
Ah, so sad. Its easier to end up here than you think. I was married for 24 years to a lovely, lovely man and we brought up three wonderful kids together. But we ended up on train tracks as far as our lives went, with completely different interests. That might have been okay, but the physical aspects weren’t there either. He wasn’t particularly driven by sex (not at all, that was all driven by me) nor did he need touch. I honestly loved my husband and appreciated all his good points – there were many. But eventually,when I realised that I no longer wanted to touch him or for him to touch me I knew that it was over. We both deserve more than that. Being single again is hard, meeting people is lovely and also exhausting and challenging, the pressure of being a single wage earner is significant. But in the end, the desire to be independent, not needy, but in a truly loving relationship is overwhelmingly strong and keeps me on track (sometimes I waver…but I’m there).
Rachel says
Are you ready for the best advice yet? This, based on my own personal experience for settling on someone I am not physically attracted to. My relationship remained OK on the surface for 15 years, then I had an event which ‘woke me up’.
You are asking the wrong question, the right question is this. What fear or insecurity do I need to work on in order for me to grow in a way where I would not settle for second best? You (as do I) have a flaw in your personality hidden in a blind spot which set the stage for you to be where you are.
jmm says
Very true. Really great advice….
jmm says
Maya,
I have done what you have done….been with men I am in not in love with.
I saw my mother do it. Also since my father didn’t give two frigs about me, it was easy to use men and feel justified. I felt like they owed me and seeing women who loved men and how they got used made me see it was smarter to be a user of men. Also you will not get hurt you don’t love him. You also get to see a man grovel for you which can be an ego turn on.
But if you want REAL happiness, leave him.
Love sucks for the most part but pursuing and waiting and hoping for real love is better than living like that. BTW, I now only date men I’m in love with/really attracted to.
Also, it’s age-old advice, but some women think that you should marry a man who loves you more. My mother feels that way and even gave me this advice when I dated a man for several years whom I was not in love with. She said the feelings would come. They never did. Worst advice ever.
BE A COURAGEOUS WOMAN MAYA AND LOOK FOR REAL LOVE.
ps…If you want to know if you have chemistry with a man, you will love the way he tastes and smells. Men I was not in love with, their scent repulsed me, or, I just did not want to be near them. Also the idea of kissing these men whose scent I did not like repulsed me.
One more thought. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be vulnerable to a man you are not in love with….hence you won’t get hurt.
Good luck Maya. Lots of women have been where you are.
Jennifer says
Maya I sincerely understands what you’re going through now right now but my advice to you is that you should just stay back and make your marriage work since marriage is not a relationship you can just walk out of at anytime you want, I almost made same mistake but thank God I was courageous enough to walk out of the relationship while it was still at the stage of dating before it was marriage. I met this guy who proposed to me a month into the relationship, I liked him as a person but I knew I was not into him from the very start, I accepted him because I thought with time I may fall in love with him. As God will have it a date was fixed for the introduction , here is the day drawing very close, and here is my feelings not improving, It became a big challenge for me, I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want to hurt him and I was also thinking of how disappointed our families will be if I end this whole thing, and I know I hate divorce with passion, which means if I go into it I may not be able to ever come out, I pleaded with him for an extension of time which he reluctantly granted but even at that the feeling refused to grow. I thought about a lot of things, received a lot of advice, some asking me to go ahead because he is a nice person and he loves me. Still confused until a week to the fixed date, I summoned courage and told him I can’t continue, thank God everything went well, he said he knew I never loved him but that he thought with time I may love him, but that since I have made up my mind, that God should give me someone I love. And we parted.
Insidious_Sid says
Married for money and woke up next to an ugly man. Goes online to get affirmation of weak excuse that the MAN must be to blame for some deceptive “prince/frog” deception game when the only deception was her marrying for the wrong reason ($100 says money).
If you’ve made a mistake, prove it. Leave the marriage with what you entered with and nothing more.
Diana Kretzschmar says
It is sooo sad to me how many people settle! I dated my best friend who I wasn’t physical attracted to either and couldn’t do it. No way in hell would I have married him. I know myself too well when I’m all over someone, how I feel, how I smile, how I light up. Even if said person is not the perfect match or as great as the “nice” guy. Nice doesn’t cut it. That’s a friend. I am called shallow a lot for my honesty about this but in reality, it’s not fair to them. I broke my best friends heart and didn’t even have any legit reason except that he didn’t make me want to kiss or hump him. When other men do. I’d hate to be that person that someone settles with too. I always think of other people’s feelings and have actually lost men because I didn’t want to date them, twice, I actually realized later that I did like them more than I thought after losing them. Once I know, I know. Even if people diss the idea you don’t realize what you had till it’s gone. Well sometimes that is what it takes. Unfortunately cut off was cut off in my case. But still better than being a shitty gf, picking fights to sabotage the relationship bc you just don’t feel it and are frustrated that you don’t. If I like someone, whether I have a chance or not, I’ll do everything too to get them and sometimes think too, maybe that’s a bad idea. Sometimes love grows that is true and sometimes you just push them in other people’s arms, which is the saddest part. But in the end you don’t want to be with someone where it’s just not there. The hard part is if they are perfect except the attraction bc you know you may not find that and will compare everyone with them. So you’ll either keep lying to yourself, be unhappy or you’ll cheat or you’ll get out.
I don’t think you have to tell your husband that you don’t love him. He already knows. You think he can’t feel it???? The fights already speak for itself. You might as well just tell him you aren’t attracted.
Mary says
When I met the love of my life I was divorcing my sons(who was 3 yo) father who was abusive in every way and left me with such low self esteem I felt literally worthless. My new BF was from Europe (I lived in Florida) and he was here in the states on a joint military mission. It was instant love for us both. We planned to marry and us move back to his home country.
My mother had just invited herself to live with me and then my sister left her husband and was living with my son and I also. I paid all the bills and they would have been destitute without my income. I was also in a lot of debt from the divorce and my ex husband was suing me for custody. I was a mental mess!! My mother did not want me to leave as I solely provided for her and she literally scared me out of marrying this wonderful man. So I let him go … But I never stopped loving him and never could get him out of my heart. Three and a half years later he sends me a letter and picture of his new wife and their first born. Why? I had no clue. I cried for weeks. I was happy for him but my heart was devastated.
20 years after our first meeting we reconnected on FB. It took only a few weeks for us both to confess that we still loved each other. I asked him if he loved his wife and he replied “I’m too embarrassed to share all the details but you know what it is like being with someone but thinking of and wishing you were with someone else.” He communicated many many other things and confessed that he had been looking for me for 15 years.
We decided to meet and he flew to the States to see me. It was magical again. Then I flew to meet him where he was stationed in Asia (his family was not with him). He told his wife he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce and she admitted she knew something had been wrong for years.
Well she is an attorney and his family kinda ganged up on him (like my family did 20 years prior) and talked him into staying in his marriage.
It was crushing to let him 20 years ago …. But even worse now when I thought we had a second chance to be together and it fell apart again. He is not happy but does not want to hurt her and their children who are now 15 and 16. We have not had any communication for 8 months.
Charlotte Johnson says
We were put on earth to be succesful in most if not all things lets use Gods wisdom for all choices we make.
Qflux says
Insidious nailed it… then comes the girl power brigade with “never settle grrrrrrl!!!”
Riiiiight. More like “settle” long enough to take a nice big payout you’d have never been able to earn on your own, then use it to finance a “hot” guy with no job who settles for your ass the exact same way.
The issue is that MOST women find MOST men physically unattractive. This is the product of evolution. Before they had agency, women couldn’t be too bothered with something so frivolous as a primary selection mechanism.
Males have far wider physical attraction to women because they “cast the net” and need to approach 100 women to find 1 who is interested.
In the 21st century most women can self provide so *can* afford to *only* focus on the physical, but carry the evolutionary baggage that makes only 10% of the male population qualifying (top 10%, height, body, facial symmetry, etc)
So fact is *all* women who are *primarily* driven by physical attraction end up either alone or “settling” despite the fact that the guys they’re calling ugly would probably be objectively described as average.
Average guys love average women, average women are repulsed by average guys.
Angela says
This is the best response I’ve read. Thank you for citing scientific reasons as to why women think the way they do. Bless your heart.
Faathun says
Im in a same trapped, I thought ill like him later, but thats not happen..
Turbulence! says
Man, why life is so complicated ? 🙂
I have been married to a wonderful “child” for 5 years , with whom I have zero mental and physical attraction, from the moment I saw her.
Why i married her ? – She is damn innocent like a kid, out of mercy I married her honestly ( sorry to be cruel) .
I never felt like I have been married! It has been 4 year since touched her..I have been going through all these kind of forums .. still could n’t find any working solution.
Only workable solution I can think of is , self-sacrifice!
like an army man sacrifice his life for his on country ( i am gonna sacrifice my sexual feelings for my wonderful and kid 🙂
But, I dont want to dump her by not having sex with her ANYMORE ( she deserves it for her good heart!)
Note: hailed from a remote south Indian village. Excuse my language!
Scooter says
This article has been most interesting to me, among the many I have read here, due to the responses.
I must say that I am both fascinated and appalled. I think one major flaw in the way we as a society think of relationships, is exposed here. There is a distinct lack of empathy for those in relationships, who are being used and/or bullied, especially when the offending party is a woman.
Too many of the responses place blame on the husband of the OP. How.. in the HELL can anyone do that? Absurd assumptions are being made, mostly revolving around how “he did something” to garner her revulsion of him, or how “he should have known” that she’s not attracted to him.
Really? She agreed to marry him! As a man, I can’t even imagine being in love, but somehow realizing that my fiancé thinks I’m ugly, and doesn’t want to have sex with me, and still go through with the marriage. That would totally kill any attraction towards another woman, for me.
The other horrifying aspect I see in the replies are from those women who are married to husbands whom they find ugly, and are empathizing with the OP. Most of these woman are derogatory towards their husbands and seem to shift the blame on said husbands. Really? You women decided to marry your “ugly” husbands, and stay in the relationships. If the husband was ugly from the get-go, then what the hell were you doing?
There is a sense of entitlement and arrogance coming from too many women, in these replies, with little to no sympathy for the husband(s). I don’t know if this is an effect of the article (i.e. drawing replies from women who are in a similar situation), or a display of how some American women think. Furthermore, I would really like to see photos of the entitled women in these replies, who denigrate their ugly husbands.
Bottom line: if you really do “look younger” than your age, are in-shape, and BLAH BLAH BLAH.. then you’re an idiot for marrying someone for whom you have no attraction (assuming you weren’t somehow pressed by unique circumstances). It’s always easier for a woman to “marry up”.
Jay says
Then why on earth did you get married for?
Give me a break says
“I’m sorry YOU’RE in this”?!
What about the guy?
Sorry to to hear you made shit decisions and have the foresight of a goldfish. Get a divorce, let him take everything (it sounds like he’s earned it), and go sort yourself out before you allow yourself to make more stupid decisions in life.
Cynth says
when i read all the comments, i suddenly started to cry . because in a similar situation. when i started dating my husband i could feel that i don’t really have some feelings for him.and later in our relationship i got pregnant and when he found out that I was pregnant he went to my family and paid the lobola.thats when i moved in with him because i didn’t know what to do ,and i was only 20years old. and for 4years now i didn’t have any attractions with him,even if he touch me i don’t feel anything,like nothing, having sex with him all these years it feels like im been raped ,i just feel forced to do it, i didn’t have the guts to tell him all these years. were are just staying together only for the sake of our child .and i use to fear to tell him that I don’t feel anything for him.but one day i just asked my self that till when can i live like this ,pretending all the time ,i only have 4years in this marriage and im only 24years of age ,
so i told him how i feel. and he was so mad .but i was not hurt with what ever he started calling me,it feel better that i can just live the marriage than end up cheating on him because i don’t love him.
i know i was wrong for marring him but the pragnacy live me with no choice .
so now im moving out very soon, and i wish he will meet someone who will love him, please tell me if im doing the wrong thing by separating with him though he loves me very much, he always wants us to have a wedding but i always refuse because i know that i don’t want to lie even on front of god and my family and friends.
married to someone you are not attracted to its not easy, i don’t know how some other people could manage for 20something years .,,4years for me it was like ten years, i couldn’t do it anymore. .
Charlotte Johnson says
Songs sing about all issues of life including yours. Release yourself ftrom this situation. The longer u stay the worse it gets. You are biubd to leave its a matter of time.
Yolanda says
Well I would say that people need to take no for an answer the first time a date or telephone number is refused. EVERYONE has to accept it and NEVER push, enquire why a person has said ‘no’ ask them to simply ‘try it’, or get offended with the refusal. If they want marriage to be in such a way with that much physical attractiveness, then many people will have to accept that they should never marry or have children (since losing that first-love etc)…….stay single.
Yolanda says
But is he so grotesque and you so gorgeou? Or do you expect a man prettier than yourself (not the way it is meant to be). And never wanting intimacy at all after so many years of being close? Don’t be so shallow! It’s not his looks – it’s his personality that is the problem! Or maybe it’s yours, or your sexual orientation…..
Yolanda says
I know one woman who keeps turning down a nice guy; but it’s like she is suffering from reverse-body-dismorphia! O.k; her face is not bad, but her hair and body are terrible, and she doesn’t have a nice personality, a decent education, good domestic skills, and she’s broke without a job! While this guy may not be rich, but he has a job and will help her out, isn’t a ‘badden’, womanizer, or ‘scally’, and his face is quite nice! – so is his manner and personality! She’s the same ‘kind’ as him but has convince herself that she must have a good specimen of another type of ‘kind’ – even if that person is the opposite sex – !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am actually surprised that he would go for her!
Yolanda says
Correction: ‘even if that person is NOT the opposite sex’ – positively autistic -like I’d say!
Yolanda says
I also know of another woman who pulked herself a very handsome husband for her, but now has a problem with the vedre – wgen that’s what she had to do to get someone out of league in the first place! Now that she has corrupted him; she’s stuck with him I’d say!
Yolanda says
Life isn’t a Hollywood movie!
lynda says
Something to add: When young the attraction is important, not perfection. The soul connection is more important, personality, humor, energy, goals, and interets. The person who understands uncondional is important as journey through life. I undestand when find someone who ,”gets “you and shared interests you feel safe, understood, and loved. I was married almost 30 years when he died. Didn’t have those butterfly feelings to begin with, but now after 4 years out from his absence I’d do anything to have my old life back. Actually, friends who wanted to leave their husbands cuz didn’t feel it have hung in there and made it work , appreciating more their spouse. LIfe is short, can be taken away. Get help and find hope and joy in the journey. Espiecially after 50, it’s a wild dating world.
Linda says
I’m sorry, Maya. Not that you’re unhappy. Not that you’re not attracted to your husband. Rather, I’m sorry that you weren’t mature enough to get out of the relationship when you realized that you weren’t attracted to him. I’m sorry that you’ve failed to realize that marriage is a serious commitment. It’s not a matter of, “Well, I’m not attracted to him. But I’ll marry him anyway, just to make everyone else happy. Maybe I’ll become attracted to him somewhere down the line. If not, I’ll just divorce him and move on to someone else.” But mostly, I’m sorry for the pain that you’re putting your husband through. I’d imagine that it’s a horrible thing to know that your spouse has, “settled,” for you.
James says
Well i certainly will say that there are a lot of very stupid women nowadays that just don’t know what they want at all unfortunately since when it comes to making choices with what man they really want to marry which these women will never be happy anyway since they will always find fault with the guy as well even though he is a good man. Most women can never be happy no matter what you do for them since most women now will only want the very best in life and they will never settle for less since it is all about them today. I wonder how many of these women out there that have destroyed many of their men’s lives already which i am sure that there are a lot of you women that have really done a good job on that already. It is very sad how there are so many very pathetic loser women nowadays which makes it very sad for us men really looking for love today with a good relationship as well but with the kind of women that are out there now it is very wise for many of us good men to remain single now altogether.
Evan Marc Katz says
I’m approving this post but just to say goodbye, James.
You can take your woman hatred to the rest of the internet, but not to a site designed to help women.
Any man who describes himself as “good” but describes an entire gender as bad has a big honking blind spot that I’m not going to even attempt to fix. And since every post of yours is the same (I know – I have 51 of them on record), your “contributions” here won’t be mixed. I’ll just insert something on every post that says, “I hate women. – James” and it’ll serve the same purpose.
Good luck fixing that hate problem. Because no woman is going to date a man who hates women. Maybe you should take a look at that cognitive dissonance for a couple of minutes.
Gina says
I’m not sure I would ever do this again. If death do us part, then I will look back at this as a pure learning lesson. Don’t listen to your heart, rather, think. I’m so disappointed in my marriage, but I choose to think. I made a commitment and I need to do all I can to keep it. Being “free” to me would be the same as accepting my lot in life and not daydreaming my days away with what ifs. I screwed up, time to put my big girl panties on and make things work.
Mike A says
Sex is for having kids and marriage evolved to provide a stable environment for the kids so that they didn’t die before themselves reproducing. Love evolved to trick us into having sex and therefore kids. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t attracted to the person you are with. Love and/or happiness doesn’t matter either.
The only thing that matters is that you have kids and bring them up old enough to reproduce too. After that, you have fulfilled your purpose and life has no need for you. That’s the meaning of life. Get on with it. You can find all sorts of distractions if you get bored along the way.
Ron says
Awesome, I finally found it! The meaning of life! Never expected to find it here. I can’t find a flaw in it. Back to the topic at hand, I have found a bunch of articles like this on the web. I was searching because I’m curious how women could become not attracted to their husbands after a while. It sounds like a common problem, seems to me like it is biological or just a natural thing because so many women suffer from this. We should be able to overcome this somehow but I haven’t found a solution reading so far. I don’t see many success stories, there must be some secret to those long marriages, but I haven’t found it yet. Are they not having sex, or maybe having it with other people, or are the guys just really able to stay attractive somehow?
Now what ? says
Thank you for this
Naila Cheniouni says
That was so Harsh !
Cut Maya some slack !
We’re all different. Maybe she desperately needed a man in her life. Maybe he was all kinds of perfect but he wasn’t the best looking man and that’s okay. He could have been perfect in many other ways, like how he cared for her and how he was always there when no one else was.
Maya I wish you the best
and please try to fight for your love
I really hope it all works out well with you you two ♥ï¸
Stephen says
This looks like an old post, but having read Maya’s story, I’ve felt to write here because I’m in the same exact situation. And I am a man, so it’s not true that this is common only for women. Everyone has his own background of personal experiences and circumstances, and people should stop judging because they don’t know them.
In my case, I married her because she’s a beautiful person and she loves me very much. And also, yes, for fear to be alone again, since I’ve been alone for most of my life (I’m in my late 30s). It’s beautiful to be able to do a “normal” life with someone, instead of being always alone. I thought that the looks weren’t so important, because looks fade with the age, and it was more important to find a compatible soul. But I’m realising that the lack of attraction prevents me to be affectionate as she would need (and she needs a lot of affection), and we often have arguments triggered by that. I think also that marriage has brought up some incompatibilities that hadn’t shown up before.
Breaking up is not an option. Not after three months of marriage, and not without having tried every possible way to make this marriage work. Anyway, I don’t think I would be happier if I were alone again. And she would be devastated. So we need to get along the best way that we can, hoping that things will get better in the future.
Gene says
I’m facing the same challenge with you Stephen. Only that I’m a lady and in my late 30s. But being alone was never an issue to me. I really dunno how I’ll cope with this marriage. I stop being intimate with him. I get irritated when he comes around me or tries to hold my hand. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. I’m thinking I’ll just get a job or an admission to further my education in a different country from where I live and just move away instead of a divorce, which is a no no.
San says
No Children yet. Then what are you waiting for ? Get the hell out of the relationship.
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Gene says
This things happen like magic. You just dunno how they happen. I’m suffering the same thing! I married a man I’m not attracted to, now I’m suffering. We are about one month and 12 days old in the marriage. He’s a really nice guy but I’m not just attracted to him. I don’t like his facial features. He’s short too and I’m just not attracted to short people. I have cut off having sex with him because I don’t love him. I mean, how could you sleep with someone you don’t love when you’re not a ho? My family like him. My mum loves him. Even when I tried to put an end to the relationship before the wedding, my mum would fight me. Now I’m totally confused and frustrated and I’m pregnant! It’s so bad that if I loose the pregnancy, I really don’t think I’d be upset. He’s also helpless and confused. I pointed out to him severally before the wedding that I wasn’t attracted to him and didn’t love him, but he would cry like he would die! I really feel like dying is a better option for me. In my country divorce is not just an option, but an abomination.
Now what C ? says
Goodness woman !
I feel your pain. I tell my fiancé that I’m not physically attracted to him
Just to clear my conscience and see if he feels what I’m saying but he won’t ☹️
sheena0512 says
I totally understand u maya!!Looks and physical attraction do count!!That’s why i am not married yet.I am not attracted to the guys i get.now after reading ur post,i feel i made the right decision.u shud be courageous to take a stand and walk away from the marriage if u are so unhappy abt it.
deanna says
wow, this was really interesting to read. because i have wondered the same question. my parents were pushing me to marry a guy who they felt was ‘right for me’ because we are both doctors, same religion(hindu) and born and raised in the us.
but after seeing his pictures, i knew i would never be attracted physically. my dad got angry with me and told me that the man’s appearance was irrelevant and only the woman’s appearance mattered for the purposes of marriage. yeah right. maybe that mentality worked in the 1800s but now not so much. women always cared about looks but couldnt really do anything about because they werent allowed to work before.
as an aside, i tried dating a guy who i was not attracted to. and making out with him was really a chore, which he really wanted to do and im sure he could sense i was never into it. the final straw was he was holding my hand while walking at the zoo and we ran into one of my coworkers and i remember feeling so embarrassed to be seen with someone who looked like that guy. so i just couldnt do it anymore and thats how i know that marrying a guy i wasnt attracted to would be a path to misery.
i love to watch deborrah cooper on youtube. she goes into this in detail.
Phil says
What do you want to happen when your looks start to fade? For some women it does not fade but fails.
O says
I also wanted to say I think his family is largely ignorant and all of them are really unhealthy–either mentally ill or obese, alcoholics, verbally abusive or ever so slightly perverted, always talking about sex…I mean, that’s really idiotic/ill isn’t it? None of them have strived to be anything or do much with their lives, most are happy with plant jobs that require zero education and what’s more is they didn’t manage to push their son, my husband into any kind of path for himself. It’s like they just sat around being happy with nothing all their lives and accepting the world as it is–never determining to change it. Ideologically, this differs greatly from me and where I strive to be. I like change, I believe in education, I believe in having money and security. Kids are out of the question due to the fear that his side of the family will infect our sons or daughters with laziness, lethargy, apathy…God just writing this I know I am with the wrong person. The vows felt so sincere…how could everything feel so shotty so soon after the fact? Are other women just better at coping than I am, better at looking the other way? Or have I really chosen a dud? He’s nice and everything, but the sexual attraction is waning…he put on so much weight as soon as I stopped working out. I just feel stuck, that I cant show my face at my class reunions…
Citizen says
This has been a very good discussion from many sides and I have learned a lot. Shawn seems to have boiled one side down with ” honor your commitment!”.
I do believe that is what marriage vows are truly about, they are bigger than you feelings and do not change from one day to the next.
Biblically speaking wives were most often purchased and still required to be a good wife to this “husband”. This pretty much handles all modern arguments of , looks, passion, fading, and general non fantasy fulfillment.
The other side is the ” no happy, no stay” way. This is very shallow and allows us to play to our lowest character. You did not order a meal to be sent back after eating half of it because you dont like it after all or you think you can do better at a different restaurant. Why even make a vow or do it in church before your God as a holy rite for Him to bless if you feel in the end it is disposable. If you want a divorce dont blame your spouse, you can have what you want go get it but dont act like you are doing noble work for doing it.
Marriage is not a fantasy, some marry for feelings of obsession, for money, for advancement, better life, for having children, some many even find true love. Regardless of how you got there you are equally obligated and required to work it. Some staring points are difficult and require a lot of change and adjustment , communication.
Note- dont hang out with people (friends) who encourage self fulfillment at all cost and divorce if your spouse cramps your style or dreams. Divorce those friends or relatives ASAP if you want your marriage to survive.
Citizen says
You had poor expectations. A truck can be the perfect vehicle for you but if you think it sucks because its not a Cadillac then that is something you need to work on in you. Know where you really are and what you really signed up for. He may not be a prince but are you really a princess? Get your feet on the ground.
Start looking for ways to make your situation (marriage) work, stop looking for the negatives.
Good Citizen says
I read some really good replies here. I also read that most people are just trying to justify their reason for ending their marriage, while passing all or most of the blame on the other partner.
Short of infidelity and or violence, or cruel incessant verbal abuse, leaving was a choice you did not have true justification for and down deep you know it but you took the easy way out and got the quick relief for “you” and pretend not to notice the damage you caused your own family for you easy way out. You lost the war the enemy won you failed and it is over now you live by the enemies rules, and no the enemy is not your ex- spouse it is the meat grinder called life you now face it alone and so does everyone else that was your family.
Vivian says
Honestly that is what I’m going through right now, I dont love him, not attracted to him yet I dont have the courage of trying another, I’m feeling I can cope in marriage but I am seriously scared right now, pls I need ur advice..thanks
Phillip Sanchez says
Vivian, stop thinking about the negatives and stop living in what is unsaid.
You need to understand how much of this you are feeding from your side and say what you are feeling to your spouse. by thinking about what you are responsible for and what you can change you can enter a dialog with direction and hope. A lot of men are truly oblivious to what they are doing that bothers you. By bringing it up in way that does not blame him or accuse him for hurting you but talking about the problems as if it something that needs to be solved together so your marriage can be healthy and eventually loving. You really need to think of his positives stop focusing and talking about his negatives. They both exist at the same time, he is going to work for his family and comes home to be safe don’t make home unsafe for him or he will not open up about the issues that your marriage is having.
If you have negative cheerleaders in your life encouraging the end of your marriage stay away from them find positive marriage friends who want to see you survive.
If he is not hurting you or cheating on you, your marriage can find new life, but you will need to want that more than divorce and so will he. Learn to be a team that talks about issues not each other and works together to solve them this will help you as much as him. If he is over weight talk about it and let him know it has to change and you can do it together. If you feel he is ignoring you let him know how much you want to spend time together. Divorce has it’s own problems and you will be alone while dealing with them. Life is hard enough if you have to do it alone own your marriage for better or worse you don’t have to give up.
What now says
I’m so thankful I found all of you !!!
First I will read all of your stories then explain my current situation
rana says
I was in a similar situation few year ago. i met a very nice guy, after many failed and traumatizing relationships. He was so classy, kind, caring , and his parents liked me. The only problem was that he was too thin, and later on discovered he doesnt satisfy me in bed. I didnt have much experience. I couldnt make myself leave him because i knew i would never get a better guy.
We got married. I genuenly believed he will grow on me and we will learn to please each other. The situation only got painfully more complicated. We fought alot. I was too cold as i knew j wouldnt get what i want from sex. I was always turned off in the middle of sex as he would be done. I started loosing interest and avoiding him. Months went by, and i started being over conscious about what im missing. I was overconscious about other couples with chemistry, and attractive men started to really attract my attention. I even got in touch with an old boy friend of mine, something i never thought i would do. I was full of guilt and shame and many times tried to get closer to him and look at him in a different way but couldnt.
The turning point was when he went into a health set back. He asked me to have a break and focus on his health as he was tired of our unhappy life and wanted time out. I agreed. When i was away i always realized how precious and valuable he is to me, and what an angel he was, but as i approach him the problem starts again. I hated myself.
At some point he said he wanted divorce and that this would relieve him. We got divorced, after a year of marriage, 7 monthS spent together only. We kept in touch until he regained his health.
We both felt relieved after the divorce, but the guilt feeling for what i put him through kept visiting me, I disappeared from his life for a year, but he started stalking me and trying to get in touch. A year and a half after divorce we met and i was surprised by how much he is still in love with me. I felt terrible because i was hoping he would move on so that i can move on peacfully .
Ever since i cant make myself think of starting over with someone else.
I never thought this could be my life story, and that im capable kf being such a horrible person.
I do believe in Karma. I know that i cant find someone as kid as he was, and im so afraid of trying to move on or take any serious step. I know that anything i do would break him.
Im so sorry