I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?
Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. —Maya
Aw, Jesus, Maya.
You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.
First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.
“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?
I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.
You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
“A certain type of face seems attractive”?
I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.
Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…
“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”
So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.
Got it.
My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.
Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.
This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.
But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.
Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.
And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?
Maya;
What you wrote in your email to Evan is almost exactly what a friend of mine confessed to me about her marriage. She got married hoping she would learn to love him and feel passionate about him in time. It never happened.
The went to both individual counseling and marriage counseling for several years. Their marriage counselors told them their business was saving marriages and that they did not have anything there to save.
7 years later they have finally gotten up the courage to get a divorce. Don’t let your and his life stall out for 7 years. Divorce him. Now.
Good Luck.
Well I did the same thing. I then struggled the entire marriage. I stayed with him and I grew to love him as a person but I remained unattracted to him the entire marriage. I had children with him and I stayed for 17 years. It eventually led to him cheating on me in which he said she wanted him I couldn’t blame him now could I I do however wonder if he had of been kinder to me if I would have found him more attractive. I got involved with him with that nagging feeling in my gut that I wasn’t overly attracted to him. I thought he was a nice guy turned out he wasn’t….anyway the idea of being attracted to someone on a scale of 1 to 10 choosing someone you really aren’t and believing that it is ok. No unless you are thrilled about another individual the relationship isn’t right for you and settling isn’t going to ever change the fact that you settled no matter how long you stay….
I could have written that myself…. 🙁
” Never marry a unattractive man unless he makes allot of money which totally makes it worth starring at his ugly mug for the rest of your life.
Got to get paid XD
these kinds of situations are common. you are just making excuses again. the REAL problem is feeling like you need a ’10’ and esteeming your spouse to be less than a ’10’. sexual need works on a biological rhythm such that as time progresses your ideals of what you are willing to accept change in order to meet the sexual need. maslow’s hierarchy of needs. if you feel that your spouse really is the ONLY source of sexual fulfillment that you will ever have, eventually you’ll start giving in to your body’s desires and use your spouse to fulfill those needs, even if you don’t see them as a ’10’. orgasm releases chemicals in the brain and after repeated functions, your brain begins to associate sexual satisfaction with the person you are getting orgasms from. attraction is created chemically in the brain. these results can be reproduced in the laboratory. after years of separation i still find myself thinking back at times and being aroused by the memories of the first girl i had a sexual relationship wth. she wasn’t objectively pretty then (she had a certain cuteness, there was something there), and boy has she gone down hill now… but those experiences still created solidified synapses of sexual attraction in the brain. the REAL problem is that the writer is hoping someone will give her the way out of the marriage… a pretext to justify doing an immoral thing. she already knows its the wrong thing to do, that’s why she’s asking a stranger’s advice. if she went to her family, she already knows what they would tell her. she thinks she’s young enough to jump ship and still have time to find someone else. the same goes for all the other women who say ‘i was never attracted to my husband. i married him cause i thought he was a nice guy. i was wrong.’ NO…nobody goes to the alter and says, ‘gee, you remind me of hitler’s cousin…let’s get married!” they ARE nice, good men. but they react naturally when they realize they’ve been duped by someone who not only cheated them out of the love they deserve, but also now wants to leave them and take half their shit. that doesn’t make them bad men, it makes them NORMAL.
Awesomeness. Love your reply. ” gee you remind me of hitlers cousin…. Lets get married” . So funny and true! I fell out of love in my marrage of 27 years. It’s possible. It’s sad , but divorce is the correct thing to do when it’s over. Sometimes life is to blame but I take responsibility for the failure, or at least half of it.
i cordially reject your assessment of your situation. you say that you take responsibility for the failure, or at least half of it. but the responsibility for fixing a broken marriage doesn’t rest upon the person who did the most screwing-up. it rests upon the person who cares most about the marriage. i’m guessing that wasn’t you. the person who cares least about the marriage is 100% at fault for the ending of it. you didn’t fall out of love. you stopped caring. caring about what is morally right first, will lead you to do what’s right. and in DOING what is right, you will invest into what you care about, which should be your marriage- your husband. when you CARE about what is right, you will DO what is right. the feelings will follow. when you DECIDE to love with actions instead of just words or thoughts you will find that when those feelings do show themselves they are more powerful than you ever thought possible. when you wake up in the morning after your husband got drunk and acted stupid, and totally doesn’t deserve it, and you decide “i’m going to love him anyway” and make him a nice breakfast…it becomes a sacrifice. you give up your pride. your time. your peace of mind. you’d much rather be doing something else. that’s the funny thing that most people don’t get about sacrifice. it’s not REALLY sacrifice unless it COSTS you something. too often, women are out there doing these little love-dovey things for their men because it makes THEMSELVES feel good for having done it. and it may be a nice gesture but it’s not sacrifice. and then they get mad when the man doesn’t respond in the way that pleases them. sacrifice is the death of yourself in favor of what’s good for the other person. very, very few people are in situations that really warrant escape. their marriage may be a living hell, but it’s usually a hell of their own making. because they won’t sacrifice their pride, ego, vanity, need to be right, selfish ambitions, “i have a better way” or other such self-motivated desires. plus the ever present finger-pointing. i can just hear all the women now thinking in their heads “i really wish my husband could read this!”
While I agree that this issue isn’t something to divorce over, I would disagree with what you said about her wanting a 10 to be attracted. Looking for particular attributes that one is attracted to doesn’t mean that a person is seeking a “10”. What you said about the first girl you were with not being objectively pretty doesn’t mean you weren’t attracted to her. Many people don’t know the difference between the images they have been told constitute attractiveness and what they actually respond to as individuals. Every single day people feel physical chemistry with people who would not be featured on the cover of a magazine.
But even more importantly, especially with women, sexual attraction often has as much to do with being drawn to the man’s persona as it has to do with what he looks like physically. And we’re not given details about that. Further, while she can simply do her marital duty, authentic enthusiasm can be difficult to manufacture when it isn’t there. And the lack of it might really bother him. She might do better to talk to a sex therapist about how to make herself feel more enthusiastic sexually even if she’s not naturally feeling it.
What I see today is an awkward melding of vastly different generational attitudes toward marriage. In previous times, it seems that people married with modest expectations, but they didn’t necessarily expect romantic passion either. I’m sure plenty of marriages became sexless without anyone complaining about it. The alternative became to emphasize passion over all else, which is problematic and makes for unstable marriages. But I’m still not confident that anyone can be told both to marry someone they aren’t passionate about and to somehow create that passion down the line. I just don’t know that it works that way. I think that if one is going to take the pragmatic, dutiful view toward marriage then it is possible that passion may never be a part of it. The question then becomes whether that’s what both people bargained for or whether one person in the marriage expects more affection and sexual enthusiasm when the other never had any to give, but simply wanted children, the security of marriage, companionship, etc.
I have tried to feel that passion and I truly love my husband for the person he is. I just hoped with all my might that I would feel something for him. 24 years and 4 kids later there’s nothing. I fake it for him. I try to make him feel loved as much as I can because I know he truly loves me and it’s my fault for marrying someone I didn’t love. He treated me differently than other “guys” I knew I would never meet anyone else like him and I thought I would fall in love after a while. He sort of or he knows how I feel. After 24 years it’s hard to keep up with the lie. I do however try daily to make him feel like the king that he is as he works hard to provide every day. It’s my prison to pay, not his. I will never leave him and I will always make him or try to make him feel loved .
i agree totally. but honestly, as a wife, you’re not a prostitute in the business of giving sexual pleasure. your role as a good partner, stable companion, a sympathetic ear, a home maker, a peace keeper, a mother and friend, is far more valuable than what your physical body is able give in sexual gratification. people need to marry for the right reasons. Sex isn’t everything. kindness and respect is tenfold more important in a stable working lifelong relationship. i’m not saying give up sex entirely, but you don’t have to have sex all the time to be in a marriage that lasts. if you don’t enjoy it and husband always wants it, its a favor system, you give in to his desires after some wine and a nice dinner date, and he in turn takes care of you in some fashion. he can send you to the spa, or rub your back for you, run a bath for you, help with cleaning, whatever. Much of what makes a marriage strong does not require intense sexual desire. I am only 27 years old, and married for 3, so very new to my marriage still, but I love and appreciate my spouse regardless of his physical being. I admit that the attraction isn’t there most the time I don’t want to be intimate and will avoid it, but I also don’t deprive it entirely and would never throw away the kindness he shows, the love that shines in his eyes when he looks at me every day, the goodness in his heart, trumps anything that a more attractive partner and a spicy sex life would have to offer. Think about your life in old age, stare long and hard into the future, and can you see the benefit of a lifelong commitment to this person? Do you feel stifled by the relationship and want to find who you are? I would highly suggest you do some soul searching before marriage, but if you are already married please be open and honest with your partner and try to see if you can build hobbies and interests to help define and fulfill your inner being apart from the person so you can grow back together, learning from and admiring eachothers differences
Your words are your own but are spoken with little experience or empathy. After 30 + years of trying to find attraction – let me just say. ” If you ain’t got that zing baby – you ain’t got a thing! ” o chemistry = 0 chemistry. Mind over matter does not apply with physical attraction. GET UP GET OUT AND GET ON !
30 years of doing it wrong does not make an expert. nevertheless… i’ve done great studies into this mystery. the bible does not say that all women are to love their husbands. it says they are to respect their husbands. my conclusion is that the bible doesn’t say all women must love their husbands because not every women is capable of loving their husbands- and therefore God would not be just to require a woman to do something that she wasn’t capable of. and it makes sense. think of it in the reverse. husbands are to love their wives. but it doesn’t say that we must always respect them. why? because some men would not be capable of respecting their wives. respect is more than just treating with common decency or dignity. it includes an element of admiration. and let’s face it: many men have wives who behave in ways that are not admirable. and so those men would be incapable of having respect for said wives. but if you can’t respect your wife, you can still have love in your heart. the same as you have love in your heart for your child who is behaving badly. in those moments, the husband is not capable of having respect for his wife. otherwise, why doesn’t the bible simply say that all husbands and wives should have both love and respect for each other? if it were possible… why only go halfway? the only logical conclusion is that not all wives are CAPABLE of loving their husbands, and not all husbands are CAPABLE of respecting their wives. with that said, i do have compassion for you for never having experienced love for your husband. but there still remains the duty of respecting him, being faithful to him, and available to him as a sexual vessel. otherwise, you tempt him to get another wife. (which is totally never mentioned as a sin in the bible…women don’t like that part. only divorce is a sin. but husbands are allowed more than one wife.) sorry to hear about your withered piece of driftwood of a heart.
I find this comment totally misguided and judgmental. You can’t force attraction.
since when is it wrong to judge? who gave anyone the right to demand that they not be judged in the sight of others? the essence of judging is weighing in the balance to find if something is true or not. i’m totally justified to sit back and judge the fruit of her efforts and decide if it is good or bad. i don’t have to know her intimate details. i only have to see the fruit of her life- that which she admits to. a bad life doesn’t just sneak up on you. you don’t do the right thing day after day after day for 30 years and all of a sudden end up with destruction. you reap what you sow. yes bad things happen from time to time. but you don’t spend 30 years pouring your heart and soul into someone every day, and then wake up a bitter old hag who hates the man she heaped so much love onto- sharing good times and bad and creating a lifetime of memories… then to go ‘oh well…. there’s not any attraction so fuck it. time to bail’. you are completely void of understanding. you don’t know- you don’t want to know- and the way you sleep at night is believing that by not judging others, you absolve yourself of any obligation to have your own life examined. yes, yes, everybody loves john 3:16… but they conveniently forget that jesus went on to say ‘He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.” you want to sit back and say ‘don’t judge me’… fine. but you don’t get to be a fuck-up and not get judged for it, and act like you’re not a fuck up. either you’re a fuck up and you take the shame- or you shut your hypocritical mouth and not get judged. but you don’t get to preach on a soap box and then stand beyond reproach.
Personally, i made a huge mistake marrying a man that im not attracted to. I dont want to admit that i dont know him that good and he simply doesnt know how to love a woman. He gives me an allowance of $5 and wants to know where it is and where i spent it. Sometimes i just want to cuddle and he bites me, pushes me and slobbers on me. Its disgusting. I realized on my wedding night that i made a mistake. He didnt even have a hotel reserved and we had nowhere to go. I had a hotel and he made me cancel it. Its all my fault that im living this way, people warned me but i was too stupid to listen, now my life is incredibly awful. Not to mention he withheld information about his health from me. Im so upset at myself because i left all i love without properly thinking it through.
i just can’t believe this is a real story. my advice would be to not divorce him but separate from him until he gets his life together. but that is a bad mistake. one that you have to live with unfortunately. 1 of 2 things will happen. either he won’t be able to stand up to the pressure and he’ll cheat, and then you’ll be free. or 2 he will get with the program and do what it takes to be a decent man.
I have been married since 8 years same situation.. don’t have guts to divorce as he loves me very much … Often have fights on relationship
What I don’t understand is how he could propose to a woman who wasn’t giving him the physical affection that he wanted.
I think they are both at fault here, and perhaps there is something valuable in holding out for someone you feel a connection with.
Since the OP can’t force herself to feel something she doesn’t feel, she needs to have an honest conversation with her husband, reminding him that she was always like this… before he proposed.
I agree…. one cannot force her to feel what she doesn’t
I agree. Honest communication.
Who thought that finding “the one” is so hard?
I wasn’t attracted to my last serious bf. He was only a little higher than I was, had a pot belly, was ginger haired and bold, 11 years older, but he was very kind and generous with me. When I fallen in love with him, he became the most handsome guy on Earth to me. The attraction wasn’t there right from the beginning, but he grew on me. After 2 months of dating, if there isn’t any attraction, then most likely there never ever will be any in the future.
Leave his ugly ass .
It’s stupid to marry someone that’s ugly.
U are funny None of your business!!!!
hahahahaha my girlfriend left an ugly as for me
Hi Maya,
I hope you still check this because I’m am curious to see if you are still married? I, unfortunately, am in the same situation which is what brought me here. I COMPLETELY felt EVERY word you said especially when you said you don’t have the courage to say anything about the situation with your husband :'( when a man is so good to you, it’s sooooo hard to say “I’m not in love with you ” even if the attraction is not there… my issue is not 100% attraction, I just can’t seem to fall in love with him & don’t want to hurt him by telling him though I’m sure he can feel it.. sigh my husband is close to PERFECT, is so patient & will do ANYTHING TO make me happy but for the life of me I can’t seem to fall in love with him!!!!!!!
you have a good man. give him your utmost respect, and he’ll never know the difference. don’t mind the love part. you’re wanting all those butterfly feelings. believe me, even all those feelings don’t last. marriage is mostly boring stuff. doing laundry together. watching tv. be his very best friend and do all those things with him with a cheerful heart. and one day you will think back and wonder how you could ever do any of those things without him. THAT is real love. i promise if you tell him you don’t love him or take steps to leave him, or actually do leave him- you will regret it 100%. don’t buy into the idea that the grass is greener on the other side. there is a very real possibility that you will NOT find another guy to replace him that those feelings you’re looking for, materialize. and many times people marry someone who gives them all those butterflies- only to later end up divorced because they couldn’t get along on really petty things.
I understand where this commenter is coming from. I just got married last year and a week before the wedding I began suffering bouts it insomnia, which still persists months later. My mind can’t stop reeling with all the worry about how I may have just ruined my life. I’ve always been a cynic, critical of self or others, well, I’ve always had a philosophical and agnostic mind. It’s hard to ever know if I am actually happy, and often i find myself regretting major life decisions, so getting married is just another way for me to get frustrated about whatever is lacking. Sounds miserable when I write it out. I have issues with his mother, brother, sister in law, and cousin–they have all been outrightly rude or trashy to me, and I spend most of my energy convincing myself that I am NOT with someone like that, but my powers of persuasion are beginning to get weak. I strive instead for personal happiness, then hope to meet him somewhere in the middle with some caring conversation that shows we at least still like going on interesting trips together. Now I am at a place where I am scared of what would happen if I left–scared of being alone, not knowing whether I will be lonely, not knowing whether I will be sane, wondering if I CAN even make my own friends outside of the relationship. I believe in God and I hope and pray for the best but my thoughts usually get the better of me and I’m off with another sleepless night. I feel like I’m in college the way I’m pulling all-nighters…I just wish for resolution.
Please leave him. It’s so unfair and almost cruel to stay with a man you aren’t attracted to or don’t love, when there is almost certainly another woman out there who will. It’s also unfair to you, as you should be with someone you’re attracted to and love as well. Why waste his time? The poor guy is wishing for something that probably won’t ever happen and you’re sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. Why don’t you do the right thing and leave him? I know I’m being harsh and direct, but I find this so sad.
I agree completely with you. I had to break up with my boyfriend of two years recently because I wasn’t attracted to him. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done because we connect on such a deep level but for me the physical attraction was not there. This meant that I started to feel like I didn’t love him as much as he loved me; there was a certain element missing emotionally and I couldn’t ignore it; it would have been unfair to him to do so. I agree that it would have been cruel to stay with him despite this. He deserves to be loved and appreciated fully and completely and I sadly I just can’t give this to him.. It’s extremely hard but I keep reminding myself that it was the right thing to do.
Leah @5.1 – I’m not trying to be judgemental here, but how on earth did you endure 2 years with a man you weren’t physically attracted to ? The reason I ask, is I have tried to “give men chances” to see if attraction can grow, because they were “nice” and wanted a relationship with me and were good to me, and did all the things a boyfriend should do. But if it didn’t grow into an attraction (and it only did ONCE) I really couldn’t stand it for more than a few weeks. For two reasons: First, if I don’t feel physical attraction, even hugging, kissing and cuddling feel horrible and it only gets worse. And sex becomes an absolute cringe-fest for me. (Yes, I confess, I have let things progress that far with a guy I was “trying” to be attracted to, because he was so into me) The second reason: If I am trying to force myself to feel attraction for someone that I really don’t feel it for, it is because they seem like a genuinely nice, caring, relationship worthy person, and they are treating me very well. I feel WORSE than awful when I hurt a man like that.
When I have broken off relationships with someone who I was attracted to, and MISTAKENLY thought we’d be compatible, and then they start treating me poorly, I don’t feel bad breaking off THOSE relationships, because if the person became super critical of me, constantly flaked on me or was dishonest with me, I don’t feel bad breaking up with them. Even if they give me the sad cow eyes and ask for another chance (and I really don’t see their behavior ever changing) I don’t feel bad, because hey, they did things that made me feel bad, didn’t stop when I asked, continued the hurtful behavior, etc.
But to hurt a “good guy” because I wasn’t feeling attracted to him. I HATE doing that.
I have a first meeting with someone tomorrow, and I must confess, I try to avoid going out with men, if I think I might not be able to be attracted to them. It IS hard to tell just from a profile. Some guys go into the “No way Jose” category, but there are some guys whose pics make be think, “Hmm, he’s really not bad looking at all, but I’m not thinking he super cute either, but if I meet him in person, I might feel differently”. This guy I’m meeting tomorrow falls into that category. I feel like a bitch saying this, but I finally agreed to a meet up with him because, he has been pursuing me online off and on for awhile, and my options lately have been pretty nil. I haven’t even met him yet, and already I feel like I’m settling. He has many qualities I like in a man, and seems like a good guy, but I’m not sure if he’s my type physically. I hope I feel differently tomorrow when I meet him face to face. (and that he doesn’t subsequently decided that I’M not his type 🙂 )
I’m trying to strike that balance between “giving guys a chance” and “leading a man on”.
Both my husbands I met in person first, but they don’t photograph well. I remember certain photos and think to myself, if online dating had been around back then, I doubt I would have dated them based on their photos. But believe me, I was plenty attracted to both of them. But if I met a photograph of them before I met them in person, I doubt I would have been to excited about meeting them.
Was this soliloquy somehow supposed to be an example for Leah? You sound far more confused than her.
“Both my husbands….” Ah yep….
It’s women like you that I don’t date period and rather go to a strip club or hire someone. I love the nice guy thing because it always used to justify shit! But your the exact reason then you pick a man you think is hot but chances are beats you and cheats on you. I actually hope that happens to you because you deserve it for leading someone on. You know you were not attracted to him bullshit! This why I started working out and I will get those muscles and six pack you want. Would love to see a picture of you and see if your a supermodel or not. Fine we all have our preferncea but your too picky and I’m sure you don’t look great. I smartened up and already lost 63 pounds and realize if I want to attract someone I need to loose 100 more pounds get a six pack and act like a dick. Works all the time. The first time a woman says your nice that’s code for your ugly!
yeah I feel sad for you… your sad leave marriage is for happiness not to feel the way you feel. what about you. it looks like your a loving person to put his ugly ass over your feelings… its only right to be happily married not miserable . marriage is over rated that’s why you married him thinking only of him proves your a loving person therefore start loving you and follow your heart and true love will arrive but you are destroying your destiny and true love staying with this cloud. That is not fare to you nor the universe. your energy will attract forces that are negative because of the imbalance you so greatly hold. Your higher self is pulling you out with the notion of the unattractiveness… This unattractiveness he has on the outside is the vision for the unhealthy state you are in being married unhappily. I cant tell you what to do I can only warn you of your future …. Good luck to you love and hopefully you will see the way out of this miserableness, it is a warning form above. there’s nothing wrong with how you feel its your inner voice being honest… I hope you become aware and flee peacefully but be very careful in how you leave this man it seems to me that you are afraid and it might be a nightmare of domestic abuse here… If it is which I’m sensing send a letter in the mail and disappear make sure you tell someone you trust mostly and be careful love. men become possessive especially ugly ones… I don’t know you from anywhere but I felt I should respond as safe and peacefully as I could. I was just reading on the internet and this paused me… Get out of that marriage it spells danger…
Especially ugly ones that’s bullshit if anything it’s the attractive ones. I know from being a cop and EMT too many domestics I have been called to only then to want to drop charges!
Maybe I’m wrong, but this sounds like a foreign woman who wanted to be married to an American man, “no matter what” for the status it would accord her within her family and community. Sad thing is, Maya seems far more concerned with her own discomfort than with the fact that she probably really hurt and used this guy. I can only imagine how terrible this must make him feel.
I’m all for Evan’s advice to give a guy a chance even if he’s not your physical ideal. I’m currently dating a fellow who, upon first meeting, made me recoil. But I decided to give him a few more chances because we’d met online and his emails showed a senstve, hilarious, bright personality. Now, four month’s later, I cannot keep my hands off him and laugh to think that I almost let him slip away simply because he has a big mole on his nose and is 3 inches shorter than I. So, as I said, I believe that attraction can change.
However, I assert that if I had still been physically repelled by this, or any, guy after a couple of months, I would have bowed out. Attraction can ebb and flow but if it’s always been non-existent between 2 people, I don’t think that one can force it. I cannot make myself care about Maya’s predicament — she sounds cold and self-serving — but for the sake of her husband, I hope they divorce quickly and that he moves on to a woman who finds his face, heart and mind, beautiful.
Hehehehehe I love women talk
@Henriette,I think you are right but you know men love to fight like mad and insist that foreign women don’t care about silly things like looks and money, when the simple fact of the matter is that to women in the developing world, they attempt to ignore things that they want for the chance at a better life.
So this guy probably convinced himself that he got someone who wasn’t shallow like American women and now is probably shocked that it has turned out not to be true.
I agree that she made a big error in judgement by marrying this guy. However, she did marry him and she made a commitment with him. I find it very disheartening that marriage has become so expendable in our society. I don’t think it should be so socially acceptable and encouraged to just give up marriages (especially after only three months!) because somebody changes their mind or falls out of love.
It sounds like she made the decision early on that she couldn’t love him because she didn’t like his face, it isn’t clear to me that she has ever really truly given it a chance and really emotionally committed herself to the relationship. I think this is a way of keeping oneself emotionally unavailable – if there is some “fatal flaw” in the other person, then she doesn’t have to truly love him and commit and make herself vulnerable to being hurt.
Here’s a novel idea, how about she honor her commitment. Rather than searching around for validation of her negative feelings (which will only serve to perpetuate her uncertainty), how about she make a conscious decision that she is going to commit 100% to the relationship and to loving the man that she chose to marry. He does not sound like a bad person, and she obviously thought he had some sort of redeeming qualities which she was attracted to, or else she would not have stayed with him. She needs to change her attitude and mindset, rather than just looking for validation to take the easy way out.
Obviously, not the same situation, but for example, if I go to work every day with the mindset that I hate my job, something major would have to happen to convince me otherwise. It will be easy to find things throughout my day that validate that thinking, because of course there are bad qualities to every job. However, If I go to work thinking I am grateful to have a job, and I am grateful that I get the opportunity to help people; then, I look at my job a little differently and I actually enjoy it more.
Just my two cents!
Thanks Annie ! Your comment has brightened my day 🙂
Thanks Annie. I am somehow going through the same thing. Your comment is very helpful. Thank you.
You’re putting the institution of marriage over what the HUSBAND deserves. He deserves to have a wife who finds him physically attractive so that she willingly and happily has sex with him. What you’re suggesting is that she prostitute herself for her marriage. To endure sex with a man she doesn’t find attractive because she’s married to him. Should a good man have to “suffer” his wife’s endurance of sex with him.
The primary benefit for marriage nowadays is for tax breaks. Children are born out of wedlock every day without fear of the stigma of being labeled “bastards”. So you don’t even have to marry for the sake of legitimizing your children. Marriage is big business for the government. And for religions. Couples usually tithe to their churches and synagogues, upon marriage, right?
Men and women should be married because they love each other and are happy to have sex with their partners. If either is missing from the marriage, then the marriage is a sham. And the person who loves and wants sex with the one who either doesn’t love him/her or doesn’t want to have sex with him/her, suffers for no good reason.
She should divorce him to free HIM to find someone who loves and wants him. Period.
I completely agree! It’s a very sad situation, indeed. Before filing for divorce so soon, get some marriage counseling and wait a little longer. If living together becomes unbearable, one of you can move out. You can continue to get counseling even though you’re separated. If that doesn’t work, then I think it’s better to get a divorce than to stay in a marriage that’s not really a marriage besides on paper. But first, try and give it some time.
I just read an article written by a psychologist that physical and emotional attraction is intertwined. Read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, find out what your love languages are and give him the book to read as well. If your emotional needs are not being met, it’s unlikely that he’ll become attractive to you. But if the opposite happens, it’s possible that you’ll find him attractive.
The first time I saw my husband, I noticed that he had a really weird shaped head (think about the shape of an egg) and that he was very short (no heels for me!). But because he had such a beautiful smile and a really sexy body, I overlooked the features that I didn’t find attractive. So, I fell in love with him and was happily married for 5 years. I sincerely thought that he was soooo handsome. So, yes, it’s possible that the attraction will come.
Although my story doesn’t have a happy ending, I doubt that it’s because of those features that I didn’t like. We started having lots of problems in our marriage and all of a sudden, he became ugly to me. The physical attraction is completely gone. He’s still muscular and in top shape. The smile that I once thought was the most beautiful smile in the world, now it’s just “blah.”
We’ve been legally married for 7 yrs, but have been separated for 6 weeks. I’m going to try marriage counseling, but at this point it’s probably too late. We should have started it years ago… Anyway, try everything you can and wait. Things may change. If they don’t, as someone else has said, FREE him to find someone who will love him and free yourself too.
Best Wishes,
Jessica
Unbelievable! Looks fade fast! Let me say again, looks fade fast! Just keep living. Teeth go bad, hair falls out, weight goes up and down, let’s not even talk about the possibility of cancer and all it has to offer in the “looks” category….. The character of a man is far more valuable than looks. If this is a good man – and I believe he is – because there is no doubt in my mind that he knew, before she agreed to marry him, that she was not attracted to him but he married her anyway, he will treat her with kindness, love and compassion when the rain comes. (Whether the rain is a common cold or cancer) We all want the guy that will love and accept us at our worst (car accident that leaves us paralyzed). If this woman was to focus on her man for the qualities he has to offer and stay committed to her marriage, there is big reward for her future. Her self esteem will rise, her dignity, integrity and self respect will rise and THAT my friend is true happiness. Happiness comes from within,
Peace and Love
Very well said.
Much wisdom here.
Women don’t care about that took me 37 years to realize that. Learned why I never had a relationship, not attracted, fat and a loser and the n word which is nice. So I decided to try something go to the gym and get that six pack and act like a douche. Lost 63 pounds and counting. Probably going to need surgery for loose skin but it’s necessary because they only want a hot guy. Same thing if I m not going to talk a woman who I am not attracted it’s not fair or honest. If they can do it I can too. Wake up men all these woman have in common is the guy is nice. Don’t be nice period. Get that body , even those bad asses might not a perfect face but because they don’t care it happens. Will never take a woman to dinner again unless we are dating. If someone wants to meet me if called a cup of coffee once or twice. If your interested in me beat it and let me more on. For the money I wasted on you and you leaving nice I could hire someone. Don’t judge me I have needs too because I know you women would label ugly experienced it
You are a very wise person. I’m so glad you took the time to write a reply, Shawn. Thank you.
I wish I could comment a reply to “Recreated.” Some women really do care about that. I read Shawn’s post and agreed with every word. I am a woman, I’m engaged to a man who is wonderful. He is extremely nice. Saying he is a nice guy does NOT mean that he is ugly. You’re probably looking for girls in all the wrong places if you genuinely think that you have to be ripped and a jerk to get and keep a woman. That’s not true at all. My fiance doesn’t have a five pack, not even a two pack of abs. He has a big gut, super skinny legs, and a giant nose. I think one of his eyes might be a little lazy too because sometimes when he looks at you, it doesn’t look like he’s looking right at you. He’s not even that smart, either. I got a bachelors degree and he got the shittiest education that I could ever imagine. Regardless, he has a heart of gold! He is very much a family man. He knows how to respect others. My mom called him “a chill guy” the other day. He gets along with others well. Okay, he doesn’t have the best humor in the world, but it’s gotten a lot better than it was when I met him. He is really good at doing research, which is kind of ironic since he’s not that smart… but he knows how to track people down and get in touch with people. He sends letters to military vets and has really good taste in TV. I think the part that sucks about that one is that when we aren’t together, I rarely have any TV to watch because I’d be watching it without him if I did. Everybody has flaws and everybody has strengths. I love my fiance, we’re growing together. I only found this page because I genuinely worry about the lack of passion that I feel and I was looking for advice on things that will help my marriage work or ways to ignite the fire while we’re married. He went away on a hunting trip and I was surprised on how much that affected the way I felt. It’s quite possible that we have just been spending too much time together and it was relaxing to just have a week to my own thoughts. Now that he’s back I can already see how my feelings have improved. I do love him… and typing this out actually made me realize that even more. So, whoever you are Mr. Recreated, I AM a woman who loves and respects her fiance, who is NOT a douchebag… He also doesn’t have a six pack.
I’m sorry you haven’t found a girl to love you unconditionally yet, but don’t go around spouting nonsense about how you have to be ripped and a douchebag!
Annie,
I want to thank you so much for this insight. I am in the same situation as Maya. The only difference is that physical qualities aren’t what attracts me to a person. I am not turned off by my husband’s face. Instead, I’m the type of person who becomes attracted to emotional qualities and actions. I gain attraction to men I never thought I would be attracted to because of the way they act or handle themselves. My husband is extremely loving, and supportive, but unfortunately not a very confident person. The confidence is what turns me off and he knows he needs to work on that, for himself not just for me. We have a tremendous amount in common and he is the best friend I have ever had. I was always the type of person who said I would never settle and I would rather be alone than be with someone just to be with someone. But then, he came along. It happened in the blink of an eye and now here I am 5 years later. I don’t want to make such a rash decision by leaving him when I don’t completely know how I feel about it yet. He deserves better than that and would be absolutely heart broken if I left. I have been trying to find the answer for months, I see a therapist, who I have seen since before we were together, and I still don’t know what to do. I constantly wonder if there is hope that I can be physically attracted to him, because if I can than our marriage would be perfect. Your comments give me hope. I do feel that I have had a mindset from the beginning. He’s not what I always assumed I would end up with and I had always just thought it would be like a movie where I am passionately attracted to my best friend. But again, your comments give me hope that maybe I just can’t get out of my own head about the situation and that if I can learn to let that go, maybe physical attraction can grow.
I am in the exact place in life too. I am married to my husband for 9 years and we dated for many years before that. the lack of attraction from my end is the only thing that’s wrong between us. I alway felt this way towards him but never had the guts to leave the relationship because of many reason. I was worried of what’s out there, he makes me feel comfortable, I can be myself around him, he really is my best friend at the end of the day. I understand Maya and many women who have written in the forum, it’s never really that simple. I know I am not going to leave him since we have a lot of good going for ourselves but I will alway miss not having that attraction , chemistry and will always be envious of others who have it.
People always put so much emphasis on attraction, but there are negatives to attraction too. What if you have “attraction” with only unavailable people or abusers whether physically or emotionally? In addition, that “in love/attraction” feeling last at most 24 months. Usually goes away in a few months; then reality sets in. The day to day, which I call real life. My question to people who overly focus on attraction are – are you happy with life by yourself? Why do you feel you “need” attraction to be happy? No one thing will bring you happiness or fulfillment and it certainly does not come from another person. Having said that you cant be repulsed by your partner. And I do think there are people out there who have attraction plus the other qualities, but they are rare. And I’m sure they are struggling with something else. It’s the human condition to suffer. We are never satisfied.
Leave him and be honest you made the dam decision and knew it! Nice is the worst thing you can call a man period! Go find that guy that you think is perfect looking and see how long it takes before he cheates or abuses you!
Please! It is really not the big deal society makes it out to be. If the energy of attraction is not there AND if this is a type of energy that is very important to one of the partners, it will result in a low energy relationship full of dissapointment for all. Mostly, the urge to “stick it out” comes from societal pressures, which is why I presume the author originally wrote for help — to see if the general consensus follows her gut feeling.
follow your gut, sometimes short term discomfort is a requisite for success….for both partners.
I wholeheartedly agree, annie!
Personally, I’ve experienced having my attraction grow considerably with a man not considered ‘good looking’, because his good character, kindness, personality, and overall vitality made him so irresistible to me that I ended up thinking he is a very good looking man indeed, after getting to know him better.
Conversely, I’ve experienced having my initial attraction to a man, considered to be very good looking (peers and co-worker’s general opinion), dim considerably due to what I perceived as a lack of moral character, displays of arrogance, and indifferent attitude towards others.
Granted, what we find attractive as individuals is subjective; however, my point is what a person chooses to focus on tells us a lot about what is considered important to them. Hopefully, Maya will choose to look a little deeper. Should she choose to cast aside this diamond in the rough, it will be her loss, not his.
maybe she was looking for a green card…
You know.. that is how I have felt so many times.. If it is not there (for me)in the beginning, it won’t be their later on either – and I find it irresponsible for anyone to say that “it will come later”.
It might for some, but I know it won’t – not for me.. and I don’t settle – no matter how good the other qualities the man has. If there is no sexual attraction other then novelty, I am just not making that mistake anymore.
That is why I tend to go against the general view here – I know what that woman feels, even if I have never ever married or lived with any of them.
If there is no orgasm for me in sex with him, there is no real relationship with him either.
I’m with Annie! Marriage is a commitment! What happens as we age, our faces sure change, so is it ok to divorce then as well? I think it’s a very sad situation and she outta “woman up” and honor her commitment and find ways to fall in love with him and make it work. I can’t get over how self centered this woman is. And what did her husband see in her that he wanted to marry her? Very, very sad…..
Yes! Marriage. Is a commitment
Yes we age and no one is as beautiful or sexy forever …. But when old age comes the memories of a passion and attraction to your mate are part of the foundation that leads to a happiness down the road … Why is holding out for someone whom you feel a connection with physically deemed shallow…. It is like fast food it will fill you up …. But if you want nourishment you need a different kind of food …. Relationships should be nourishing . Looks aren’t everything …. But neither is being nice
This is so true. We all age, and get more wrinkles, and things begin to sag. attraction is not just looks, it made up of lots of different things. However, we can meet an individual and be so drawn to them and attracted to that person. Doesn’t this change after some time?? So what is the difference in meeting someone that presents more kindness more do than the attraction? I believe a person has to be attracted to an individual in some way, to have married.
Self entitled women, princesses, queens, what ever you want to call them. Its all in how they were brought up as a little girl. Most of these kinds of women expect the world delivered to them even at extreme health risk to the husband. The more self centered these women are the worse the marriage is going to be. Traits of Histrionic personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder, are all on the rise in society. Even in a marriage alot of men and women think its proper to sneak behind there spouses or partners back and flirt , give notes, exchange gifts and facial expressions of emotion like they are dating someone else while they are with someone. Commitment has flown out the window. Its like these people have no self respect anymore. Im gonna do what i want to do when i feel like doing it. This is narcissism at its finest. All of these chicks posting selfies on facebook, and the social media, even when they have a boyfriend to get attention from any guy who will make a comment are heading no where good. If you have no internal feelings of self esteem high enough to have self respect for your self and your current boyfriend then you are not quality relationship material by no means.
Hi. I think you mean well. That maybe you are self aware and understand who who would be attracted to. But unfortunately for some other stuff fear pressure and family push people to make bad decisions. I myself tortured myself going out with a nice good guy for that reason. I could not make it happen. I learnt from mistake. Very painful. It’s not selfish of me or selfish of that lady.its lack of known ones self and understanding what is an necessary element in a relationship. Attraction is totally important. Otherwise it’s a waste of time. Why date at all just marry anyone and say all is wonderful. This lady needs compassion. She hurt another too bit it was not out of badness. Hope she gets the courage to leave. Regards margaret
How hurtful to say she does not like his face. Nevertheless, she made a HUGE mistake marrying him. But thats what we do in life, as imperfect people, we make mistakes. If you have a student loan, its not going away, not even bankruptcy will remove it. A commitment was made, a promise to God. Keep your promises. She needs to be honest, tell him how she feels now and tell him she will keep her promise. Tough times ahead but that should be a warning to all single ones out there, singleness is a gift. The grass is greener on the other side because it takes a whole lot of serious effort to make it that way.
Annie, with all due respects, I don’t think staying together for the sake of “commitment” when both parties are clearly unhappy makes any sense, particularly when there are no children involved. Marriage has always been about the care and protection of children, and in previous generations, the care and protection of women bearing those children. In your example, you stick to a job which you may not particularly enjoy because the alternative is poverty and starvation. Now, you stick to a marriage where both parties are clearly unhappy and not getting anything out of it because the alternative is….humiliation ? about not being able to stick to a commitment ?
Even the Catholic church grants annulments you know. The sister of my brother in law got granted an annulment by the Catholic church – despite having two children and her adultery – on the basis that she was too young and inexperienced and foolish when she got married.
Sorry, but for some reason women are expected to “love” a good man who treats her well while men are not under that same expectation. It is as if women have to be grateful for whatever comes their way, even if this may not be something they want. I’d say to Maya. Please find some way out of this before she is stupid enough to bring children into this dysfunctional marriage.
Wise
You said that so well, I could not agree more. Annie is way off mark here when I doubt she’d do it herself. Comparing a marriage to a job you hate is not a good comparison.
This is a very interesting counterpoint to many of our discussions on Evan’s blog. Usually we’re discussing why it’s a bad idea to focus too much on chemistry or physical attraction – now we have a great example of the opposite. The pendulum swings both ways. You don’t need chemistry to be really high, but it shouldn’t be really low or nonexistent either. It must be there, or the relationship is nothing more than friendship.
I think this is an example of people going from one EXTREME to another. EMK, and many other coaches advise against trying to base a relationship SOLELY on high chemistry, but NO ONE advocates marrying a man for whom you feel ZILCH or repulsion.
It is sad that Maya chose to marry a man for whom she did not feel an appropriate level of attraction for, but she did. There is no reason to continue on in her mistake.
Personally, I like to feel an initial attraction of 7-8 on a scale of 10 for a man. 9 or 10 clouds my judgement, 6 can grow, but it is unlikely. 5 or less is a no go for me, no matter how many people tell me I should “give him a chance”.
SparklingEmerald said: “I like to feel an initial attraction of 7-8 on a scale of 10”
You may have been meaning your post differently, so please don’t take this personally, it is just my comments on part of what you said.
I also apologize ahead of time if this post sounds negative, it isn’t meant to.
Initial attraction means next to nothing.
You will know almost nothing about the person on your initial meeting other than “is their face good enough that I can see myself laying on top of them or under them”.
You will know nothing about their character.
Ask a battered woman what her initial attraction level was to her husband.
The entire problem I have with this, and perhaps it is because I am speaking from experience on the male end, is that women will completely rule a guy out if their initial attraction level isn’t high enough. Ask player coaches like Doc Love about this.
Another reason why initial attraction level is bunk and needs to be somehow done away with, is because that is exactly what pickup artists and players use to hook women.
Which causes the women to go around boo-hoo’ing over these terrible men, and leaves us regular guys with the dilemma of often either being alone or having to resort to using PUA methods ourselves.
I became tired of listening to some of the women who had “friend zoned” me always complaining about this (PUAs, players, and men who disappear). So I unfriended them and haven’t talked to them since.
That is so on point! I am a 25 year old female and I absolutely agree with you.initial attraction is THE stepping stone that the entire thing.if that doesn’t click,it ain’t worth it.
I truly agree with so many replies, that staying in this relationship is a mistake. With no judgement, it’s the most horrible thing to live with. I am experiencing the exact same situation as Maya, the bad thing is, I separated for five years and got back with him and still no attraction for him. Sex is obsolete for us and has been 3 yrs before the separation. Don’t do it to yourself or him. I made a huge mistake.. Even a peck on the lips makes me sick..
Androgynous, I see your point, and thank you for posing your disagreement respectfully, I mean this response with all due respects as well. I’m not advocating that she stay forever in a miserable marriage, I’m saying that she should do everything in her power to make it not miserable because she did make a commitment. If they were just dating, I’d say walk away for sure. However, she did make the decision to commit to marriage, and I think to give up on it after only three months is a bit premature. I don’t think realistically a judgment can be made that two people are miserable and incompatible after only three months of marriage, especially when one person has had an “emotional foot” out the door since 2 months after they met. I think that she should completely commit mentally and emotionally and see if things improve once she is 100% present and emotionally committed. I realize the analogy to staying at a job is not the same, I was just trying to explain that if her mindset is such that she is focused on reasons she is unhappy or not attracted to him, these beliefs will be reinforced.
I know that I probably sound “old fashioned”, but I just find it disheartening when people give up easily on marriage. I feel like it should be a commitment to weather the ups and downs and persevere thru the times when it is not easy. Certainly, I think divorce is the best option in some cases, I just think it should truly be the last option.
Dear Annie, would you counsel my marriage problems please?? I completely agree with your school of thought! I am stuck in a similar situation and I am not ready to give up on marriage so casually as if it meant nothing!
Matriage is a life long commitment, and some of us make that decision in a haste or due to societal pressures very common in developing countries that people in the west would not be able to relate to.
We usually don’t approach counselors to ask their opinion whether or not to continue with our marriage. That is something that we can ofcourse decide on our own, and perhaps would have already got a divorce if we felt that was necessary. We approach experts so that they can help us fix the problem, not get out of it.
I’m not Annie, altho I do agree with her thoughts on marriage and committment. I’m just thinking that no one has brought up the idea of temporarily separating to give each other “time out” to think. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes this absence will make or break a situation. You will either feel happier alone or you’ll remember all the good things and the reason you married in the first place.
I am sorry to say this but Maya seems to be a bit immature. She may even be “young”. Poor guy…he very well may have a difficult time trusting women in the future.
Hi Diana,
I’m sorry but I disagree here. You still need a base level of attraction,
whether you are young or older! Most religions will condone an active
sex life in any marriage, as each partner’s “right” or “duty” to the other.
“You don’t need chemistry to be really high, but it shouldn’t be really low or nonexistent either. It must be there, or the relationship is nothing more than a friendship.”
Well-said. It is not fair to you or to your partner to stay in a relationship in which there is no chemistry or very low chemistry. The relationship is then doomed to failure. The last blog was on “settling”, but I would not want to settle or to think my partner was “settling” for me. What an insult to be “settled for”! Learn to be happy being single, and only marry the person that you can’t live without.
There are a lot of women out there that will just ” settle” for a man because of security. Even if she knows something is missing. She knows she is settling but he doesnt. This is just deceitful on her part. Its at the time of divorce when alot of them say after they divorce or are having an affair before they leave the relationship with the one they are with. The majority of these women know this and will just use a man until what she really wants comes along Thats why so many men feel like stepping stones for women. You wonder why marriages are on the decline. because men are wising up to the biased court system. The deceitful mistakes women make who are more than eager to marry to get a contract signed should be equally held responsible for the failed marriage . This will help prevent one person just using the other partner waiting on what they are really waiting for!!!
David,
Couldn’t agree with you more. I don’t believe in rushing into marriage and when I get married I am definitely getting a prenup. I have worked extremely hard for what success I have achieved. I have worked to accumulate the assets I have. There is no way I am going to give half of my stuff to some woman, absolutely no way.
And as this blog and others have shown beyond a reasonable doubt, many women do settle. They marry some poor, unsuspecting guy simply because he is “Mr. Good Enough,” a “good guy,” “would make a good father,” “takes good care of me,” “has a great job” and a million and one other STUPID reasons for getting married. They marry these poor guys, who are head over heels in love with them and because these women aren’t REALLY head over heels with these guys, the relationship is setup to fail before it even begins.
I think the underlying problem, again, not with every woman, but with many women, is they are genuinely not sexually attracted to guys who make good fathers and good husbands. Again, not every woman is this way, but many are. A guy who takes care of the kids, helps around the house and has a good while not exciting job, just doesn’t turn them on. And if they feel this way, this is OK, but they need to not marry or date these kinds of guys. Ladies, please decide what kind of guy you want and marry that guy. Settling does NOBODY a favor and will make you BOTH extremely miserable.
You are smarter than most Adam. It took me years of marriage almost 20 . Divorce and then many court trips. What the &$&* is going on here? Years of reading books and tons of research and also analyzing others failed marriages. Plus Ive studied psychology. Very few women out there are marriage material today. Most of them have become self- entitled just because they give sex to you. A vagina to these kinds of women is just a tool to manipulate you into legal slavery and the court system backs them up. Unless you have studied it you just do not know. I’ll admit I didn’t know either. The older you get the wiser. I educate as many younger males as possible to the dangers of signing a marriage contract for him not the maybe future wife. It just isnt worth it. Am I on a crusade to spread the word you bet I am.
I don’t think it has much to do with a man being a good husband and father being unattractive. Those are simply things that have absolutely nothing to do with sexual attractiveness. Those things make for a good relationship and longterm commitment, but no, it’s just a category error for a man to think that either of those things is what makes him sexually alluring.
Are men sexually attracted to women because they cook well or knit well? No. They are just different things.
“I don’t think it has much to do with a man being a good husband and father being unattractive. Those are simply things that have absolutely nothing to do with sexual attractiveness.”
Denise,
I completely agree with you. Being a good husband and father have nothing to do with being sexy. The problem that I see is that some women are actually deciding to marry guys simply because they make good fathers, good husbands and / or have a great job. It is not a matter of men considering that these traits are sexy. It is a matter of women marrying guys with these traits while knowing deep down they aren’t sexually attracted to these men. That is what I see as the problem. When this happens, long term misery and eventual divorce is inevitable.
As to women being able to cook well, yes, it is a bonus but we don’t have an epidemic of women simply because they are great cooks. We do have an epidemic of women marrying men for completely stupid reasons.
@Adam wrote, “We do have an epidemic of women marrying men for completely stupid reasons.”
I think we could change that to, “We do have (perhaps: always have had) an epidemic of people marrying for completely stupid reasons.”
@denise & adam you’re both full of crap. denise says “Are men sexually attracted to women because they cook well or knit well? No. They are just different things.” i would just absolutely love it coming home, seeing my woman slaving away over the stove with her cute little apron on. i’d sneak up behind her and grab her around the waist, sliding my hands up…. up… then i’d grab the front of her shirt and jerk it open. the buttons go flying and her tits bounce out. then my hand slides up her cute dress and…. well you get the point. sexuality is completely subjective and who’s to say that men aren’t turned on by women being good at wifely things? a dress can look ugly on one girl and other girl wears it well and is sexy. and you’re wrong if you think that women don’t get turned on by seeing a man who does well with children. now…in the context of this thought experiment, we have to assume you’re not a total ass-grab and married an absolute lard-tub simply because they were good at basket weaving or some other whimsical talent or trait that you find compatible. if you are a sad sod who did that then you only have yourself to blame for your misery. but if there was something genuine there and the fire is just burning out cause you’re getting bored then you are a fucknut that needs to pull their head out of their own ass.
Very true. I myself was insecure when marrying my husband. He gave me everything he got but i just could not feel the attraction much. Now that i have a taste of security i want to move on to attraction. Thanks for pointing out for me! Its time for me to pay him back!
Maya sounds very immature and shallow, maybe even troubled, and I’m not sure she’d be a great match for anyone right now, sad to say. There’s really something to be said for working out your issues before you decide to get married. This marriage began under false pretenses, so sticking it out doesn’t make much sense to me.
Spoiler alert: This is snarky. So, sorry, Maya, but I’m having a wee bit of trouble taking your problem seriously. What is it you’re not telling us, because clearly there’s gotta be more to this story. I could be wrong, but my guess is that you thought that marriage would be an easy entrance into something (citizenship, life of luxury, escape from parents, perks from being a Mrs. & entitled to half his assets, etc) and now that reality is kicking in, you suddenly realize …..what? That he has a face? Just how did that get by you? Did he wear a bandanna over his face like a bank robber, or a Darth Vader mask until the knot was tied? If it wasn’t so pathetic for your husband, it would be funny. I’m trying to imagine you in marriage counseling: “I knew there was something about him that wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it, until one morning I woke up, and there it was: his face!
Obviously, I don’t have any advice, but I don’t think you’re really looking for guidance. I think what you want is for us to rally behind you and agree that it’s soooo not fair when someone “tricks” you with all their niceness and caring and offers of commitment, and then — just when you think you really know them…………BAM it turns out they have a face and it’s not a pretty one. Personally, I just hate when that happens. Maybe we could start a support group, Women Who Married an Ugly Face By Mistake. The only thing worse I can imagine is if he turns out to be a leprechaun. Then you’re just really screwed.
You are awesome!
I love it! This is totally true!
LOL I agree with you! I would understand if the situation was an arranged marriage or something like that. But I think she didn’t have any other options and wanted to get it over with.
Ahahahah!! Thanks for the chuckle – right on point!
Maya: Evan says “This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.”
I married someone who was attractive but was distant and arrogant. Never listened to me nor cared. That was not nice, and it only continued because of the children. Had there been no children, it would have ended. Simples.
If your husband shows you genuine affection, genuine care, brings you flowers and all the rest, be thankful for that alone. There are few out there who will even do this for you. Make something of what seems a bad situation, or it is going to become what you do not want.
My advice: give it nine months, but no chiildren! Your husband needs the attention, express his affection for you. Just allow him for generosity costs nothing and you may find that it brings you unexpected rewards. You are married after all. Most of all, have some fun if you can. That he is not attractive does not mean that he is bad.
Get him to grow a neatly cut short beard or something!!! It could work wonders for you. A little “cosmetic” change can do wonders.
What you need to do is explain your feelings; what does he say? He might then tell you things that you have never heard from a man like “you are the most beautiful woman in the whole of creation and I love you”. Have your say, and let him have his. Compromise for nine months. Work out a way out if necessary, but you may find you don’t need one.
Don’t look at his face, look at his heart. As he grows older, it is the one quality in a person worth having. If that heart is cold as my ex’s was, it has no worth. That marriage should never have been. At least yours has affection!
Evan, you say: “I just didn’t notice” his FACE? You would be surprised by what women don’t see. We are not men!!
Gemma,
You sound like a good woman but too many of your peers ruined that. I was capable of doing those til I learned to realize I was not attractive and be nice is the kiss of death. So now all I do is work out and gonna act just like these woman and be picky when I reach my goal. I will not buy flowers or dinner because it’s a waste of time because they will see that as being again too nice. Being a nice man or a good man is code for he is ugly! Sorry blame it on your fellow women. Yes women see looks just as much as men do!
Okay, the attraction (at least for me) always exists at a few levels, not only physical levels but an intellectual level and there is also a level of character.
Sometimes, I consider some men as attractive ones and only two days later they reveal their unattractive sides (as limited mind and lack of good humor for example) and they are already ordinary men to me now.
The attraction is much more than a straight nose, thick hair and thin body.
I guess some people want to get this attraction in the beginning and when it’s missing they suffer, tell lies or just leave this date.
And yes, I’m 100% with this “… tell him the truth…”. Indeed.
Yes, Annie I understand your point about working at a marriage and not giving up. This makes perfect sense for a couple who once shared a great love and whose love has faded with time and familiarity. However, 3 months into a marriage should be the happiest time possible for a couple, that’s why this period is called the “honeymoon” period. It does not bode well at all for the marriage for Maya to be having such doubts and dissatisfaction so soon. Instead of rushing to divorce, the best and only thing for Maya and her husband to do now is a trial separation. During this separation, neither should see other people as they are still technically married and third parties would only complicate things. If during this time Maya finds that she misses her husband, then yes there is something to salvage after all and the two of them should work at it in the way you suggested. If however Maya finds that she is much happier without her husband and actually relieved to be free of him, then the answer is clear. Working at it is simply prolonging the inevitable and providing an opportunity for things to get even more complicated should Maya get pregnant during this time. Sometimes people make mistakes and trying to turn around a bad situation is not necessarily the answer. Sometimes it is just best to end it quickly so everyone can move on.
Your suggestion about the separation sounds good in theory. In reality the expectation that neither is going to see anyone else is naive. In all probability he hasn’t been getting much physical affection or nookie and that’s what the constant fights are about. Do you really expect him to forgot both entirely for some indefinite time period while she’s deliberating? She’s starved for passion. Do you really think she wouldn’t jump the first man she feels a pull toward? That’s not what people do.