Men Are Honest. You’re Just Not Listening.

I take my job as your personal trainer for love very seriously.

I try to honor and respect every woman who reads my emails and offer advice that is honest but not too brutal.

But I have to admit, from time to time, I get an email that makes me roll my eyes.

The most recent one was as mercifully short as it was inane. All it said was this:

“What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you?”

To the best of my knowledge, this email was not a joke, but it had me thinking about other obvious questions that had only one possible answer.

“What does she mean when she says she’s not at all attracted to me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’s been faking her orgasms with me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’d rather jump out of a moving car than go out on another date with me?”

Now, to be fair, most women don’t give men such rude, point-blank answers.

What do you actually do instead?

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

You don’t return his calls in a timely fashion.

You date other men until you find one you like better.

You may go out with him again, but you’re not all that into it.

In short, to keep the peace and avoid conflict, you either do the slow fade (not calling him back immediately), or you continue to see him with reservations about your attraction and excitement.

Are you lying to him? Are you trying to hurt him? Are you a commitmentphobe who has no interest in marriage? Are you fickle and always looking for someone better?

I’m guessing the answer is no to all of the above.

Same with us. Except you have trouble seeing that.

Face it:

Men don’t have to say “I love you” to get you in bed.

Men don’t have to commit to you to get you in bed.

All men have to do to get you in bed is be cute, funny, tall, smart, and successful.

And if that’s the case, and we sleep with you based on attraction alone, regardless of whether we have actual FEELINGS for you, it tends to get a little dicey.

This is not me DEFENDING men; this is me, EXPLAINING men.

Listen, we’re just as shocked as you are when you sleep with us on a second date.

But, as you know, this doesn’t mean we want a relationship with you. It just means that we were having fun, we were tipsy, we took a chance, and we scored.

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

Understand that unless he REALLY likes you, the second you leave, he’s thinking about how he can get out of this.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

Understand that he DOESN’T want to hurt you.

Understand that he DOESN’T want you to fall in love with him.

Understand that he DOES want to keep sleeping with you because it’s in HIS self-interest.

And understand that everything he does next is designed to keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE with him.

If he’s excited about you and wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll call you the next day to say, “I had fun, when can I take you out to dinner this week?”

If he’s already planning his exit strategy, he’s not going to say, “I think we made a mistake. Good luck in life.” He’s more likely going to do something like this:

• A one-line text to follow up.
• A few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached.
• Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy.
• A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

And your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him.

This is why I’m saying that men are being honest with you.

He’s not talking about meeting your family.
He’s not talking about taking you away to Paris.
He’s not talking about the names of your kids.
He’s not talking about love and marriage.
Hell, he’s not even talking about dinner and a movie!

He’s mostly keeping in touch with texts and hoping that you coast on your attraction to him without ever second guessing his lack of effort.

He hasn’t lied to you. He hasn’t promised you anything. He hasn’t done anything after sleeping with you that indicates that he’s serious about you.

So, reward this kind man for trying to protect your feelings by…

CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.

“It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

He’ll do one of two things:

1) Pick up the phone and call you because you have a burgeoning relationship that’s worth preserving and he can’t stand to let you go.

Or, in all likelihood…

2) He’ll text you, “That sux! Too bad. I understand though. Good luck to you!”

Really, men don’t want to hurt you. Just like you don’t want to hurt them.

So stop blaming them for sleeping with and texting you.

If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth.

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Comments:

  1. 151
    ana

    Evan, no offencw but as a man you dont understand whats its like as a woman to date. You kind of ig ore the sneaky things men do to women when it cones to dating. to me if feels like you make women out to be complicated and difficult. When its men that are, you should be writing about how men should treat women. Is it not fucked up that guys tell a women anything to get her in bed, completely fuck with her head just for a fuck? shouldnt you focus more on discussing the appauling way men treat women. Keeping your legs closed doesnt do much, because chances are until you do he’ll go elsewhere but if you do he’ll piss off faster. Why does the woman have to make all these changes for men, their behaviours need tweaking big time as well. Until then i dont think thigs will work for many today, i mean the genuine women looking for love the kind of position you get put in and the back flips and changes you have to make just to get a get a guy not to vanish. I feel the issues in these cases are the guys, nice ones barely exist. 

    1. 151.1
      ana

      Just to add when you hold off on sex men  barely ever appreciate it theyll hound you and keep touching you till you give up and if you dont they just get pissy and impatient with you. 

    2. 151.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sorry, Ana. After 10 years of women telling me their innermost thoughts about dating, I think I have a pretty good understanding of what it’s like for women to date.

    3. 151.3
      Henriette

      Ana: I agree that many men could benefit from Evan’s coaching.  The trouble is, few men look for dating advice and almost all of Evan’s clients are women.  If most of Evan’s clients were men, he would definitely focus his blog on how men could improve their dating strategies.  Instead, Evan focuses on telling women how they can best navigate the dating scene and that includes minimizing exposure to the (minority of men who are) liars and cheaters “out there.” 

  2. 152
    Nephre

    Mark, I would never assume you know anything about a women. _We_ are not them. I am sympathetic with this woman’s claim against men because essentially she’s right. If a man likes you, he may _say_ anything. We accuse women of being slaves to their hormones, but this is an hypocrisy. We too are slaves. The only forgiveness to ask is that it is precisely that way. There are mistakes I made as a young man that I would not make today because my hormones are dying. What I can say to a female is that _some_ men will – out of a sense of duty – obligate themselves to you on the basis of having made love to you. You probably don’t want that either. Ultimately, sex is a biological trick for the purpose of procreation. Ultimately our _feelings_ about it are irrelevant. It will go on like this forever until people realize their independence from sex. For the abuse I feel that _I_ have suffered at the hands of the opposite sex, I pray that we may all become happy with living separately. After all, who cares if there is procreation? Who cares if there is a race of boobs consuming resources? I don’t.

  3. 153
    Sandra

    Very enlightening and enjoyable to read.

  4. 154
    Regina

    This article described a guy I went out with TO A T!!! I was reading it out loud to a friend of mine (who was aware of my situation) and she goes, did you write this!? It’s really a play by play of how the guy behaved.
    We talked for about a month online and then went out for a date which ended at my apartment. It was a wildddd night and he slept over. We got breakfast the next day and a few hours after parting ways he texted a one liner. Very short and infrequent texts after that. He’d always ask when he can see me again but then when I’d ask when he was free he’d always say he was busy (yet would still continue texting and asking when we’ll be seeing each other again).
    Finally, I did what you suggested and sent a “this is not what I’m looking for” text, saying I was upfront about wanting more than a one night stand and that I don’t like how he’s playing me.
    His reply was something like “you can come visit me anytime”. Just as predicted by this article.

  5. 155
    punom

    Thanks Evan Marc Katz…………

  6. 156
    Marie

    … And if someone like me who is too coward to say hey dan its been fun see ya? Oh well i guess it also works to stay friendly, show him the boundaries between friendships and not-so friendly at all then smile lol. Thanks for the advice… But I just couldn’t say those words to a guy. As for me, i was able to get out of that strange relationship by keeping myself busy. I told him “I’m sorry I’m really really busy” and he knows it’s true!

  7. 157
    Cle

    Ended up getting in a relationship with someone that wasn’t honest. He and I are still together. So I guess I got over it? Though maybe not since I’m on this webpage for whatever reason at 230 am. Third month into dating, I got the sense that he was seeing someone else. we were not exclusive but the beginning was going to wonderfully that I thought he felt for me as I did for him. I had stopped seeing other people.  too prematurely! third month in, I asked him if he was seeing anyone else  and he told me no. this was a blatant lie that I would find out until after we became official in our sixth month.  He ended things with her sometime before becoming official.  Honestly, had I known in our 3rd month of dating that he was seeing someone else it would have ended that rose colored glasses for me and I would have stopped dating him. I guess that I’m just not a “cool” enough gal. But because he wasn’t honest I do feel like I didn’t get all of the information to make a good decision about being official. I do love my guy but there’s still resentment there For the dishonesty. So in conclusion, yeah guys lie. People lie. Men lie to not lose what they want. They lie to be selfish. Men will lie to save face. My bf is a pretty decent person but he still lied.

  8. 158
    Joann

    I wish I would have found this article a year and half ago! Sure would have save me more than just a year and a half. 

  9. 159
    Tia

    THIS ADVICE IS DEAD ON . sorry I had to put that in caps, I think the hard part is however, once you dead the guy that wants the booty call and nothing else , you feel good about that decision, but you are not meeting quality men in the interim, that’s the real test. to have lapses, gaps with no one who takes you seriously coming into play.  Times like that we have to have resolve, reach out to family, friends and fill our lives with meaningful activities, men are more passive these days , seeking sex, its easier than ever…and many of them are not looking to get into a relationship.  I know so many women who are waiting for that particular guy but nothing is happening.  not saying some of them cant make any improvements on themselves  ,  its sad but it’s a reality of our society today, f inding quality relationships is no joke

  10. 160
    Sabrina Tatalias

    Thank you. I am 14 and honestly you are spot on with this. 

    1. 160.1
      starthrower68

      Sabrina, my unsolicited advice, for what it’s worth is to be very observant. But don’t confuse that with being suspicious. If you watch what people say and do, they will show you everything you need to know. Be as wise as a serpent but as harmless as a dove. I have found that to be a successful approach to life in general. :-)

  11. 161
    john

    This is exactly how it goes not all of us (men) are duche bags so we try to let a chick slide out with a little dignity by either nit showing much interest or doing things that will cause a girl to cut you off so you dont have to hurt her feelings cuz i’ve met and slept woth women that were great but after sex i just didnt care anymore cuz i percieved them to be too easy or turns out they arent as great as i had imagined 

  12. 162
    GetRealOrGoHome

    Damn! 
    He’s more likely going to do something like this:
    • A one-line text to follow up.
    • A few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached.
    • Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy.
    • A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now.
    You NAILED it!  Exactly what happened (after a sleep over only though)!  Wonder if he read this for pointers on the slow fade?!  Thank you for your website, Evan.  I realize it must take a lot of time and energy to turn out such consistent work.  Greatly appreciated!
     

  13. 163
    Lucinda

    Evan, you are soooo spot on.  I’m so grateful that I read this today.  Like others, it started out with he and I meeting online, he being VERY keen on meeting and doing all kinds of lovely things together, etc., etc. (Not as if you haven’t heard this before!)  Then, prior to us even meeting in person, he did the disappearing act — claimed that all of our texting was taking a toll on him.  We did end up meeting eventually, but it’s been a texting only, every now and then kind of “relationship.”  Yes, I realize now he’s keeping me in the loop — albeit very gradually.  And the next time I hear from him, I’ll use your advice. 
    Thank you a million times over.  I love how you just come out and give us all a good dose of honesty.  Well done, Evan. :)

  14. 164
    Christina

    Wow as I commented on your Facebook already, I really think this blog article deserve a Gold Medal! Thank you Evan Marc Katz for finally helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are an angel to me at this moment as I am in conflict with my next action in regards to my current situation. Although I am not sure entirely if you could call this guy you describe here (as an example) as being honest, to me it’s more like ‘deceitful’ as I think any high moral man would have walked away rather than string woman along…the only honest here is your blog lol! Although I do know what you mean when a guy say ‘they don’t want a relationship’ which actually means exactly that – so I guess I can understand where you’re coming from when you say ‘Men are being honest’.

    I have your ebook “Why He Disappeared” although in this case I should make him disappear lol! Thanks Evan from the bottom of my heart…I can now finally CUT HIM OFF ENTIRELY! 

  15. 165
    Alicia

    Thank you Evan for breaking things down so I can get it. It isn’t as complicated as I was making it in my head. No more guessing as what is going on.  I can now say to him.  This isn’t working for me. Best wishes.  

  16. 166
    serena

    All that I realized from this Evan is that…. I have sex like a dude…. cool

  17. 167
    Sheri

    I’ve read some of the comments.  Advice is appreciated, but guys, really, big girls can handle the truth.  I’d rather hear him say I had a great time – let’s do it again sometime than hearing how  wonderful the time was, running from the hotel door, saying we’ll do this again and keep himself in silence.  What makes him think we’re looking for commitment right away?  Geesh!  Talk about ego…..

  18. 168
    Magdalena

    WOW Marc, that hurts, but thank you for keeping it real!

  19. 169
    Kat

    Evan! 
    I couldn’t than you enough for this blog. I am 27 years old, being in my 1st and only relationship for past 7years. He always mistreated me, had trust issues with me, despite me always being dead honest with him. We had a serious break up after 1st year of relationship and then he approached me again after a year. I continued the relation with him. He NEVER promised me marriage, NEVER talked about marriage, NEVER introduced me to his family. Still I trusted him, loved him blindly. Our graduation ended and he moved to his own city last year. He contacted me once in while every month, just when he wanted a BOOTY CALL, just to have sexual talk. 
    I tooo it as his interest in me. Your blog and comments here opened my eyes. I found this blog in utter depression. 
    Just few hours back, I texted him regarding clearing these things, clear talk about our future. And to my shear disappointment, he acted so damn normally, declaring me JUST A FRIEND with whom he wanted JUST A GOSSIP. I didn’t blame him or said anything in return. As you shall say, I got my answer. 
    I am very hurt for wasting golden years of my life over him. Many brilliant men proposed me but I rejected, just because he was in my mind all the time. 
    You opened up my eyes. 
    Thanks much. 
    Evan! Can you please tell me how I can struggle to forget him completely and move ahead? I devalued every single person in my life because of him and he so rudely spit on my face. 

  20. 170
    starthrower68

    As someone who was once very naive about men, this is some of the absolute best advice I had ever seen. 

  21. 171
    Adam

    As a man I can say that this is true for all men. However there is a giant problem with society’s thinking, which is girls that sleep with a guy just for the sake of it are “sluts”. When in-fact, the girls who only sleep after commitment, are manipulating the power of their vagina to force a guy into commitment. “I wont sleep with you unless you do xyz” and WHY do they need to have a commitment? Because they have insecurities, daddy issues and always need a man to “vouch” for them as “girlfriend” material so they don’t feel bad. Girls may think “why am I the booty call? I must be worth more than that” “how come he won’t COMMIT to me but commit to HER instead?” and this is such a destructive thought. Because honestly, you shouldn’t NEED a man to make you feel worthy, that is insecure. You may WANT genuine romance but that would transcend the bounds and limitations of any defined type of relationship anyway. 

    Sadly most girls don’t want a real connection or relationship even though they say they do. Just look at the way men are objectified in this comment “he hasn’t replied  in 3 days I was fearing this would happen”… As if you haven’t even KNOWN the person enough to feel comfortable enough when he’s gone to not constantly be worrying. Cause in honesty you were in your head the whole time during the date wondering, “is this guy only here for sex?” When INSTEAD you should’ve tried to  STOP THINKING about how you WANT him to be like “xyz” type of person, and just genuinely listen to the guy. If you did, then chances are that even if HE WAS looking for a booty call, he may well change his mind after he realizes that you are actually listening to him non-judgementally cause a girl that actually cares about men is like a unicorn. Extremely rare.

    1. 171.1
      starthrower68

      It’s interesting that the default position of a woman waiting because she wants to guard her heart is manipulative.  As if it couldn’t possibly be that she values herself and knows what her boundaries are.  Very interesting.

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