What Men Find Attractive

Early in my career, I realized that as a male dating coach for women, I would spend no time giving advice on women’s appearance. My thoughts were this:

1. A man offering feedback on women’s appearance could come across as misogynistic. At the very least, I could be accused of “centering the male gaze” or “being a creep.” And I’m pretty sure I didn’t want any of those outcomes.
2. Everyone else in the world offers advice on women’s appearance. Primarily women! The beauty industrial complex is for women and by women. If women’s magazines and social media have made women feel more insecure about their looks, I was not about to contribute to that conversation. 

The only time I offer my opinion is if I’m explicitly asked or if I’m paying for my clients’ professional photos as part of their coaching package. 

Today is different. Not because I have a hot new take on things or because I’m trying to be controversial. God knows, I am NOT. I share things in this space because I think they’re important to share – and because I think they’re beneficial to you.

To begin, I’m going to start with a true story that predates my time as a dating coach. I was working in customer service at JDate in the year 2000. Guy calls up to cancel his subscription. Says he’s not getting any attention. I check out his profile to see why. 

Turns out that this man is a guitar teacher – and he has long curly hair like a rock idol. This is his signature look. There’s only one problem: he’s on a Jewish dating site. And generally speaking, Jewish women are looking for clean-cut doctors and lawyers, not Peter Frampton, circa 1976. I gently break the news to him. He does not receive it well.

“This is who I AM! I’m not going to change for other people!”

The other people, of course, are the women he was hoping to date. 

There’s something brave about standing strong in the face of societal expectations. “To thine own self be true” and whatnot. There’s also something stubbornly foolish about it. You may have a deep sense of integrity but you don’t get to singlehandedly rewrite the expectations of society, as unfair as society might be.

If a man were interviewing at a bank wearing a T-shirt and flip flops, he would be unlikely to get the job, even if he’s highly competent. If he wasn’t aware of that and you pointed it out to him and recommended a suit, you’re not attacking his character. You’re helping him.

Today, I’m helping you – by saying something you already know: it matters how you dress. 

This dawned upon me during a recent conversation with a client who shared her dating profile with me after being frustrated with the tepid response from men.

In one of the photos, she was wearing an outfit that looked like Diane Keaton in Annie Hall. In another, she was wearing an outfit with a horizontal striped tee-shirt that seemed vaguely nautical. Think The Hamburglar. 

This woman is 70. She knows who she is and what she likes. This is her style and I’m not one to play fashion police. But if her desire is to attract men online, it’s not working very well. When I brought this to her attention, she immediately got defensive. 

“Why are you trying to turn me into someone I’m not?”

This is almost exactly what the guitar teacher said to me almost 20 years ago. And while I’m emotionally more sympathetic to my client, the concept is basically the same. 

This is why people turn to experts. 

Michelle Obama is not Michelle Obama without a stylist, you know? Hell, I used a stylist to help me prepare for a photo shoot I did for my website in 2020. (Her name is Kimmy Seltzer and if you talk to her, tell her that I sent you!)

Anyway, at risk of giving away any trade secrets, here is what stylists will tell you: You’re dressing for the opposite sex. To go on a date without any consideration of what men think would be like a man going on a date without caring what YOU think. No bueno.

So, what do men think? You already know. They want you to be feminine. While smart men are attracted to your intelligence, they still want you to look sexy. 

Is it wrong to say the word “sexy”? I sure hope not, because that’s the right word. Sexy doesn’t have to be over the top. It’s a date-night outfit. It’s a dress. 

If you have nice legs, show your legs. If you have nice arms, show your arms. If you have nice cleavage, show your cleavage. 

If you refuse to do any of these things because it’s not you, that is your prerogative, just like it’s some dude’s prerogative to show up to dinner with long hair and flip flops. 

The point is not about fashion. It’s about a fixed mindset vs. a growth mindset. 

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, the definition of success is this: when something isn’t working, try something else and see if it works better. 

What if I told you that you can wear a solid color dress that accentuates your best features and have 25% more men and 25% “better” men writing to you?

Would you take that to heart? Or will you double down on a look that is not attracting the kind of men you desire?

I’ll conclude by saying the same thing to you as I said to my client:

I’m not trying to turn you into someone you’re not. I’m trying to make the most of who you ARE.

Coaching isn’t about changing you. But if one tip can immediately boost your status online, what else do you think we can do in the next six months to get you an amazing partner?

Love,

Evan