How Can You Attract and Keep the Right Guy?

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You were delighted when I told you how to tell if a man was falling in love with you.

You were thrilled when I told you when to dump a non-committal guy.

I think you’re going to be challenged by what I’m about to tell you in my next video.

We’ve long ago established that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

That describes most of us when it comes to dating and relationships.

You’re wired a certain way. You’re attracted to a certain kind of personality type.

Over and over, you plug away, trying to make things work, even though it should be readily apparent by now: there’s not necessarily something wrong with YOU, nor is every man in your life fatally flawed. The problem is how you two work as a couple.

Two great ingredients don’t necessarily taste good together.

Lobster and cinnamon come to mind.

So what we’re here to do is try to reduce this to a simple science, finding a man who’s not just a great guy, but finding a man who’s a great fit for your life.

That may sound a little cold and cerebral to you, but I hate to tell you, following your heart has caused pretty much all of your relationship troubles. If love is blind, it’s my job to take the blinders off and let you know how to make slight adjustments that will lead you to greater happiness.

And let me be the first to tell you, greater happiness doesn’t rest in choosing a guy who’s just like you. My mantra to women is to look for a complement, not a clone.

This may not come naturally to you, especially if you’re a smart, strong, successful woman who thinks that you “deserve” a man who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than you are.

Essentially, you’re trying to date yourself, with a penis.

That kind of thinking is a huge blind spot for many women.

(Just imagine if men said the same thing: “I need a woman who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than I am.” No one would ever be able to settle down because everyone would be trying to trade up!)

This creates a conundrum for women who consider themselves in the 90th percentile of everything. In other words, the number of men who are taller, smarter, richer, is going to be a small fraction of the population. (Consider: 15% of men are 6 feet tall. 10% have masters degrees. 2% make over 200K, etc.)

Furthermore, these prime specimens of man meat are NOT necessarily looking to date female versions of themselves.

You may want these alpha male studs, but these alpha male studs often prefer women who are less busy, more available, less critical, and lower maintenance.

Therein lies the friction.

What happens when you catch one of these Bill Clinton/Tiger Woods type men?

Well, consider the personality type of a guy who is busy, driven, and wealthy. He’s demanding. He’s used to getting his way. He’s a conqueror. He’s not big on compromise. He doesn’t think the rules apply to him. And he’s got an endless supply of female suitors. Add those all up, and you have a man who is really hard to land for a successful forty-year relationship.

These prime specimens of man meat are NOT necessarily looking to date female versions of themselves

The only way to land a man like that is to give him what he can’t get anywhere else. What he can’t get from his guy friends. What he can’t get from his work. What he can’t get from his hobbies. That’s why he’d date you, because you provide an element to his life that is unique and special.

He wants a woman who is nurturing and thoughtful and supportive and patient and fun and playful and sexy.

This doesn’t mean that he is turned off or intimidated by your intelligence or ambition, but it’s merely a bonus. After all, he’s surrounded by smart, driven people all day long. When he gets home, he needs to turn off his business mind.

He doesn’t need to be challenged or criticized. He needs to laugh.
He’s doesn’t care about your doctorate or your triathlon medals. He’s got his own.

And if you perpetually think that the more impressive you are, the more it’s going to allow you to land an impressive man, I would encourage you to reconsider.

Men are looking for someone who makes his life better, simply by being optimistic, silly, sexy, and fun. It’s a completely different energy from your ability to slay dragons in the workplace.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t consider herself an ambitious, intense CEO type, it will be far easier for you to land one of these men, because you offer a complementary feminine energy to his masculine energy.

This can be hard to swallow, I acknowledge.

But I’m telling you, after 8 years of coaching, I’ve become convinced that people don’t change. Which is why I’m not asking you to change yourself; only to change your choice of men. Recently I was asked what percentage of my clients found love by changing their personalities vs. what percentage of my clients found love from changing their choice of men.

All my success stories changed their choice of men. If you’re out working 60 hours a week, you don’t need a guy who does the same. You might need a guy who is your complement, a supporter, a nurturer, your biggest fan who is your strength when the going gets tough. He makes you laugh. He listens to you. He gets you.

You might need your own complement, just like the alpha males I’ve described above.

You can protest that you don’t want your complement; you still want your clone.

Fair enough. How’s that working for you?

So, to me, your takeaway in figuring out how to attract and keep the right guy, your biggest problem is not who you are inside.

It’s your picker.

The men you’re choosing are not necessarily the right guy.

Because when you choose someone with a complementary energy, the puzzle pieces just fit and the whole thing becomes easy.

And I assure you, there’s absolutely no need for dating coaching when you’re in an easy relationship with a guy who is a great fit for your life.

*UPDATE: FOCUS Coaching is now available! Click here to learn more about this coaching program for smart, strong, successful women.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    yulia

    Evan,

    I would agree with you that alpha-males tend to like less ambitious women,  but lately  I tend to run into  alphas (men) who divoreced omegas because of omage’s lack of ambitions/lazyness/inability to share alpha’s passions. They complained that their wifees prepared them  5-course meals (you’d think it is a an every man’s dream, right?) however did not have any aspirations, dreams…..also why would success and being driven would equalize in being difficult and drama in your opinion? I am a rational and successfull and opininated woman. But least drama possible. All drama i observe  in relationships is  coming from full time housewifes and women who DONT KNOW WHAT THEY WANT – actresses, waitresses, interior designers…etc. Because they can not fulfill their “bitchy” tendencies at work – they do it with their guys within relationships. And i know sooooo many sucessfull guys who dpnt want to be primary decision-makers in their households so their less accomplished spouses rule parade at home. Are these guys alpha males in your opinion? Alpha/omega hybrids? What you propose here is basically EASIEST way – yin and yang compatability.EASY IS GOOD? NO! EASY IS EASY!

  2. 22
    Michael

    I agree with everything you said Evan. The qualities you mention are exactly what men want.

    The discussion of the alpha-male/beta-male distinction is too extreme, ladies. Some lawyers are only 5’8″, some men 6′ tall men dropped out of law school but have an otherwise successful shoe store. Some public interest lawyers do amazingly brilliant work but don’t make a lot of money. There needs to be an acceptance of the territory between B and A, the B+ to A- range. Then, it’s up to you which qualities, in which combination, work.  

    If an Alpha-female is anything like an Alpha-male, maybe she needs exactly those qualities in a partner that an Alpha-male wants. So, why adopt only part of the Alpha-male persona? Study the Alpha-male and perhaps seek not only what he wants in a career, but what he wants in a partner too. Isn’t that what Evan is saying?

    1. 22.2
      Rajalakshmi

      Mr. Michael, Don’t you hear the proverb that ” flocks of feather fly together”. Then , why won’t it work with alpha male and female.

  3. 23
    nathan

    Stacy. I’m a man. I don’t love drama at all. Nor do I think being difficult is attractive. And I know I’m not alone in this. It sounds to me like it’s you who loves drama. And finds men who aren’t stirring it up or lapping it up “boring.” Which says more about you than any of us frankly.

    Michele wrote: “being older & much wiser I realize that it’s not about the things you own it’s about who you are. I think it says alot about a man’s character that he can be so secure with himself & his relationship to say.. it’s OK that my wife makes more money & I contribute in other ways.” So true. You’re totally on here.
      
    Also, as an aside, I have always found the alpha/beta distinctions simplistic. Seems to me that most of us fall along a continuum, displaying different sets of behaviors and traits at different times or in different situations. Those who actually manifest the extremes on either end of alpha/beta are probably the most challenging to be partners with.
      

  4. 24
    Deaf singles

    It’s hard to solve the “doing the same thing over and over again” dilemma, because, like you say, we’re attracted to who we’re attracted to. I really like the idea though of bringing some  analytic  skill to bear on love and not just leaving it in the hands of “blind love”, which has always been the worst kind for me. There must be a balance point between the heart and the mind, no?

  5. 25
    Margo

    Evan, this one is good, like the others. 🙂 You’re right on the money. I need a man that greets me at the door in nothing but a bathrobe with bare feet. Then he leads me to the couch where he offers and proceeds to rub my feet. To  top if all off, there’s a casserole waiting on the stove when he’s done massaging my feet. 🙂

  6. 26
    Margo

    Oops, I almost forgot: the party really starts when he unties his bathrobe after dinner. 😉 lol.
    @Nathan #26, I also agree that most of us fall along a continuum when it comes to alpha/beta personalities, and that the most difficult to deal with are those at the extremes. For instance, I once briefly dated this alpha male. He was extemely good-looking, but extremely alpha. Worhshipped his job, felt a need to be right as often as possible, and was extremely judgemental-even with his friends.

  7. 27
    Tami

    I’m confused.   I do all of those things that you mentioned when I’m with this alpha male I like, and who claims to always have fun with me and is very attracted to me but he doesn’t pursue me.   We only see each other when we run into each other randomly.   What am I doing wrong?   I get the feeling that it has nothing to do with me.   It’s just bad timing?    Or is that an excuse?   He’s a huge workoholic,  busy with his full time job and two side businesses.    He’s told a mutual friend that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with anyone now.   Yet, I can’t help but think that if I wait patiently, he’ll come around.    We’re both 34, living in the “sex capital” of Israel (Tel-Aviv).   I’m not waiting around for him, but I do want to know if I’d be doing the wrong move if I initiate spending time together in the near future.   Thanks!   (And great book!)

    1. 27.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      He’s told a mutual friend that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with anyone now.

      What part of this is confusing? He’s a BAD relationship bet. Move along.

  8. 28
    Monique

    What a wonderful sequence of comments.
    Would you describe being an Alpha male or female similiar to living out of one’s head rather than living from their heart and being?
      

    1. 28.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Hey Monique – good to see you here! I’ve never thought about it like that, but I suppose there’s some truth to it. Being Alpha, if I think about it, is not a very empathetic worldview… it’s more about the pursuit of one’s own goals and achievements… probably a bit more ego-based. This is not to say that there aren’t a tremendous amount of alphas who give to charity, or love their friends, or do nice things for their partners, but alphas can represent a worldview that values achievement over connection – not a great combination when you’re trying to find a long-term partner. Self-aware alphas have to temper this trait if they’re going to be any kind of decent partner – otherwise the triathlon, the business trip, and the pursuit of more impressive partners always wins out…

  9. 29
    jack

    Rare is the person who can corral their impulses and appetites and pursue what is good for them than rather than what “feels” right.
      
    It amazes me how many women experience failure after failure to have a workable relationship, even as they insist that their “type” is right for them.
      
    Once again, statistics tells us the outcome: There are nowhere near as many alpha males as their are women who want one. This is the reason for “he-won’t-commit” complaints.
      
    Sure, the top 15-20% most attractive males are sorting through probably 50-60% of the women. These men will be highly selective. The endless parade of women presenting themselves for consideration makes them even more hesitant.
      
    Too many women seek the ego validation of being selected by a man who has many, many options. I’m sure it is very pleasing to have won out in such a tournament, but the odds are very low that any individual woman will land such a man.
      
    The rest will continue to circle and recycle (or be recycled by, more likely) the ever-dwindling supply of alphas. The good alphas marry. The bad ones are players.
      
      
      

  10. 30
    jack

    “Alpha” is defined by most people as someone who is highly desirable to the opposite sex.
      
    This is why a hard charging corporate CEO female millionaire is not “alpha” in the dating market unless she is highly sexually desirable.
      
    Men and women find different things sexy. An physically unattractive man who is rich and powerful can still be alpha.
      
    A hot, sweet, fun, 21-year old college cheerleader is female alpha. Even if she makes minimum wage. Men are not sexually attracted to status to the degree women are.

    1. 30.1
      Sue

      Actually the term ‘Alpha’ comes from the animal kingdom (apes specifically). the ‘Alpha’ male is the leader of the pack -the dominant male animal to whom others look for acceptance, respect, and decisionmaking.   It’s not really about sexual attractiveness as such, although that often comes with the ‘Alpha’ role.   I’m probably an Alpha female, and I don’t look for someone I can push around.   That’s boring!

  11. 31
    Saint Stephen

    In my opinion Women don’t desire the Beta male because even if they want equality they still prefer a Man who can lead them.
    This decent Beta males are always too predictable for them because they live a pretty predictable life, they go to work everyday and come back at a stipulated time, they always call if there is a reason to stay back late, they always seek the advice/consent/approval of their wife/girlfriend before embarking on anything, they are always emotionally available, always stable, always loving, always forgiving, always playing with the kids, and constantly trying to please their spouse.
    They offer No challenge Since the women can predict the reaction of these Beta males at every giving situation.

    But this Alpha males are   the real traditional Men that the ladies often crave for because they are always doing the leading, they are very spontaneous and always full of surprises,
    the are achievers,  accomplished, intolerant of a woman’s notion, they can just on a whim take their woman on a surprise trip (to let’s say like Bueno Aires or Hawaii), they don’t need their woman to make them feel validated, they won’t call or text for three days and just send you a beautiful gift on the fourth day, they are not always emotionally available, they believe Men are superior, they believe is a Man’s World,
    they don’t put up with bullshit or drama, they don’t need a woman’s financial support, they are intellectually self stimulated, they want a woman who will accept them just the way they are, they aren’t ready to conform, and they aren’t trying enough to please any woman.
    This alpha males are the unpredictable type and as such pose to be a difficult challenge that women often spend the rest of their life trying hard to fathom.
    And the fact that this Alpha males are always unobtainable even makes them more  desirable to ladies.
    They blow off the the decent beta males and embark on a wild goose chase after the Alpha males.

    Women don’t care how much you tell them their choices of Men are wrong because they will keep following their instincts, whether it yields a desirable result or not.  

    Bottom line- you don’t have to be an Alpha male to have women flocking all around you, all you have to do is put up the alpha male attitudes i mentioned above.  

  12. 32
    Gina

    Sorry Jack, but the definition of alpha according to the Merriam Webster dictionary is “dominant especially in a group of animals.” Dominant means ” very important, powerful, or successful” or “commanding, controlling, or prevailing over all others.” Yes that can be used in a sexual context, but I think most people have a much broader interpretation i.e. overall life status.

  13. 33
    Gina

    I agree 100% with Evan. You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again. Finding someone to complement you is the best idea.
      
    I don’t think guys are neatly divided into alphas, betas and omegas. I work with thousands of “alpha” men. Leaders who reached the top of their field. Guys who make a lot of money and are dominant. But the thing is there is so much variety to the guys. Some love music & pursue it in their free time. Others are nurturing single parents. There are guys who are super sweet and have very happy marriages. Guys who married women with the same job (alpha women.) The list goes on. There are the cliches too. The cheaters, the guys who keep chasing the same wrong woman, guys who can’t sit still and are constantly using their free time, ect.
      
    The most important thing to remember is to forget about the laundry list and judge the man for who he is, not what his resume lists. I have friends who refuse to date guys shorter than them, don’t have a four year degree, ect. None of that matters really. You have to find someone who makes you feel good being with them.

  14. 34
    Jadafisk

    Doesn’t alpha mean more than the most sexually  desirable? It also implies social dominance in homosocial environments. I don’t think the aforementioned cheerleader would be considered “queen bee” in most non-Greek organizations, *especially* if she’s sweet. Men and women decide who’s alpha and respond to each other’s designations.

    Also,  isn’t there less of a likelihood that less educated men will have particularly forward ideas about gender roles that facilitate a relationship where the primary earner/primary caregiver roles are switched? When it comes to average folks (lots of discussion about the tail end of the bell curve here, as if 100k didn’t put a person in the extreme minority of people that most people would ever become or know intimately), it seems like  the less money a man makes, the more he and his similarly heeled  peer group  seem to primarily  define  him as a man by his ability to provide.

    Also,  what if you’re not looking for success at all, but  definitely an intellectual, age and attractiveness level peer/”clone”?  Is this unreasonable? What would be the preferable  complements be in these areas?

  15. 35
    Gem

    I’m very calm, listen more than I talk, tend to let others have limelight, am a supporter, and encourager by nature….

    Therefore, I have always been attracted to and seem to find relationships with Alpha types. Not necessarily in career status (the majority of them were middle class to upper middle class), but Alpha in personality style: Type A, strong willed, more rigid about the way things should be done, extroverted, and life of the party.

    I don’t think matching myself with someone like me would work. I like the balance/compliment partner in my life that Evan talks about.

    Somehow I think two of the same personality style would ultimately lack passion. Two drivin Alphas may morph into a power couple but a more business relationship at   home. Two easy going types  might eventually  bore each other.

    Just my personal but non-data-collected opinion. If I had a dime for everytime a man said to me, “I like being around you because your calming.” I’d have a lot of dimes! And likewise, I like how their opposing qualities draw me out and stimulate me.

  16. 36
    Goldie

    @ Jack #35: I agree with this comment. Moreover, I think that, if you switch the words “men” and “women” around in this comment, it will still be accurate.
      
    I think you’re on to something when you mention the ego validation. Some people do seem to choose merely based on good looks and young age (if it’s men choosing a woman) or status/money/height (if it’s women choosing a man). From my experience, it makes the “chosen” person feel like an object – i.e., not good! Never been an alpha male, but I’m pretty sure that most people, alpha males or not, prefer to be liked for who they are as individuals, not for their position or salary. And, no, you cannot make assumptions about who the person is as an individual based entirely on his position or salary.
      
    #36:
    A hot, sweet, fun, 21-year old college cheerleader is female alpha. Even if she makes minimum wage. Men are not sexually attracted to status to the degree women are.
      
    Now you seem to be saying here that, given a choice, any man would prefer a hot, sweet, fun 21yo college cheerleader over any other woman, is that right? Personally I’d have a very hard time taking seriously a man in his 40s or 50s who would pick a 21yo cheerleader over anyone else. Also, the cheerleader will probably be really creeped out! This is again the case of selecting people for their external parameters, instead of for who they are and how you two match up together. Nothing wrong with hot, sweet and fun, but it has to be an age-appropriate kind of hot, sweet and fun!
      
    @ Michael #35:
      
    Since you’ve mentioned height, I have to share. Recently I ventured into the “men shorter than myself” territory. I find that there are a lot of really incredible guys on the other side of 5’9″!! I’m having a great time. Should’ve tried it long ago 🙂

  17. 37
    Heather

    Dear Evan:

    I like what you have to say.   But here’s my take on it.

    I’m a divorced, 35 year old woman and I DO try to be funny, supportive, kind, and caring.

    What I’m getting?   Guys who complain about drama, they see that I am so not a source of drama (ex has disappeared and I have no kids), yet they gravitate towards…..wait for it, wait for it……bingo!   A woman who is mean, cold, doesn’t have time for him, bitchy.   And there I sit.

    So what gives?   Do you guys really just talk about wanting a nice girl just to talk?   Methinks y’all really just want a high maintenance bitch, because all I see where I live, is those types of women getting treated like gold.   Being committed to, when they clearly use and abuse the guy.

    So what’s a nice, funny, calm, supportive girl to do??   I admit I am far from perfect, my goodness.   But still.   Yikes already!!!!

  18. 38
    Sayanta

    Ok- first of all, I agree that Evan gives good advice, so obviously it makes sense for people in their posts to, well, ask for advice. But sometimes, it seems like women are asking advice about the slightest details (should I date a guy who puts pepper on his omelet? etc). But seriously, we’re all intelligent people who were given good judgment and intuition- it just seems, that, after 18, you should be able to use that instead of asking about EVERY little thing. Sorry to sound cranky, but that’s what I’m feeling.

  19. 39
    Heather

    Oh Evan,

    I sure wish I could believe you.  I experimented once, both ways.   I was “Miss Independent, I do not NEED a man thank you!” on a date and it didn’t work.  

    Then I went to my usual personality which my friends will tell you is quiet, happy, kind.   And well, what I’ve had to show for it thus far has been….cheated on, lied to, disrespected.

    I’m really starting to think that I have to be a difficult, mean spirited witch to get any male attention that will stick!   Maybe I’ll mistreat my date tonight, and maybe he’ll stay around, LOL!!!!

  20. 40
    Stacy

    Evan #44

    Perhaps, there’s deeper psychological issues here at play Evan. May be its the lack of challenge, or too much predictability or whatever. In my practical experience, no men has ever dumped me because I was bitchy or difficult. In fact, when I turn my bitch on, I get more attention, more gifts and more pursuit than when I am being sweet and easy going.  So Heather is on to something – sweet girls finish last just as nice guys.

    1. 40.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Nope. I won’t concede. What nice guys and sweet girls need is the confidence to walk away from a situation where they’re not being treated properly. Voila. Problem solved.

      The truth is: any person you WANT to be with for the rest of your life will VALUE the fact that you’re sweet. I don’t know what kind of moron dates the hot, crazy girl or aloof, busy guy, but those aren’t relationships I’d think anyone wants to emulate.

      Want a good guy? Be a cool woman. It’s not that complex. And all your talk about how you should act bitchy will lead you absolutely nowhere. Promise.

      1. 40.1.1
        Saffy

        Totally agree, just parted company – he always told me he was busy, yet I was busier than he was. If….he/she is too busy for you. Then take the hint, time to be too busy for them…full time!

        1. judy

          Certainly Saffy.   It works very well because if the guy’s a manipulator, he won’t have figured you out.   Try smiling at him when he tries to find out what’s up.

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