Do Men Need To See Other Men Desire Their Partner? Or Is That Just a Woman Thing?
- Understanding Men, What Men Think
How important is it for your husband to see you being desired or checked out by other men? Does this influence how attractive HE thinks you are? And if you’re the type who doesn’t attract much male attention (I am fairly attractive, and fit, especially for my age, but I don’t get checked out a lot)…is it OK or advisable to set something up so that you do get the attention? Yes, I’m talking about paying someone to pay you attention. I don’t know that I would actually ever go through with something like this — but I wonder what you think of the idea. Nothing extreme — nothing that would cause an argument or a fight…just enough for my husband to notice someone is paying attention to me.
As I get older — 40s — it seems I get less attractive while he gets MORE attractive and garner more female attention than he ever has. I want him to think/feel that other people may be interested in me too…that he isn’t the only one. Is this a crazy idea?
Gina
This is one of the craziest emails I’ve yet to receive, specifically because the woman writing it doesn’t sound crazy. However, my dear Gina, your remedy for your situation has to be one of the weirdest ideas I’ve ever heard.
“Yes, I’m talking about paying someone to pay you attention…Nothing extreme — nothing that would cause an argument or a fight…just enough for my husband to notice someone is paying attention to me.”
How about you just talk with your husband? I mean, he is the only one you’re sleeping with, ‘til death do you part, you know?
I’m not going to get into whether your assertion is true — that you get less attractive to other men while he gets more attractive to other women. Regardless, if you perceive it to be true, that’s all that matters. You haven’t provided any information about whether your marriage is strong, your sex life is satisfying, or whether your husband still seems to desire you. If the answer to any of the above is no, your marital issues run far deeper and certainly cannot be filled by slipping a twenty to a cute guy a restaurant to flirt with you.
However, presuming you have a decent relationship, the issue here is more about your insecurity, and the extreme lengths you are willing to go to in order to address it. You’re talking about paying someone to desire you because you think it’ll make you more desirable to your husband. How about you just talk with your husband? I mean, he is the only one you’re sleeping with, ‘til death do you part, you know?
If I have a problem with my wife, I don’t talk with my wife’s mother. I talk with her.
All of this begs the question about what kind of relationship you have that you think it would be easier to pay someone to flirt with you instead of talking with your husband about the fact that you don’t feel desired and suggesting how he could make you happy. Remember, if he’s your husband, he WANTS you to be happy and but probably has no idea how insecure you’re feeling at this time.
Finally, I want to address the first part of your question: whether men feel more desire when other men check out their partners. Not so much. But your belief in this stems from the fact that you’re a woman who assumes that men operate in the same fashion. In fact, women are the ones who value men who appear more desirable to others. According to the linked article from Psychology Today:
“Marta Meana, a researcher at the University of Nevada, has argued provocatively that the organizing principle of female sexuality is the desire to be desired. In her view, the delicate, tentative guy who politely thinks about you and asks if this is okay or that is okay is a guy who may meet the expectations of your gender politics (treats me as an equal; is respectful of me; communicates with me) and your parents’ preferences, but he may also put you into a sexual coma–not despite these qualities, but because of them.
Female desire, according to Meana, is activated when a woman feels overwhelmingly desired, not rationally considered. Female erotic literature, including all those shades of gray, is built on this fantasy….Despite what is commonly believed, then, Meana argues that female sexuality is more self-centered than male’s…Male fantasies focus on giving satisfaction, not on receiving it. Men see themselves in their fantasies bringing the woman to orgasm, not themselves. Women see the man, set aflame by uncontrollable lust for them, bringing them to ecstasy. Men want to excite women. Women want men to excite them.”
Anecdotally, this would seem to be true. Which is why I get ridiculous emails like this from women who truly think, in their heart of hearts, that their relationship is crumbling if their boyfriend doesn’t see them as the hottest woman on the planet. While I couldn’t care less how many guys my wife has a crush on, as long as she makes me feel desired in the bedroom.
Your thoughts, below, are appreciated.
Skaramouche says
Interesting and very bizarre. Do women really feel this way? Do their men suddenly become more attractive if other women want them too? What the heck does another woman’s perception of my man have to do with how I feel about him myself?
Adam says
Yes, nearly all women do feel this way. You can never say 100% of women are this way, but it is safe to say that nearly all of them are this way.
Sometimes single men even hire groups of women to go out with them so they get more attention. Other single men lie about having girlfriends or even buy wedding bands and lie about being married — these two strategies, especially the married man angle, attract women like crazy. One of my friends who is actually married had to take off his wedding band because of the huge amount of female attraction it generated.
elle says
I read women feel this way because they are picky. If a man has been approved of or tested out by other women then she knows he is a keeper. Actually makes some sense.
If a man wants to please a woman, he doesn’t want to know that some other guy can please her as well or better so it would make sense to me that a “preapproved” woman would not appeal to males.
MB says
@Adam…based on my observations, I agree. But personally, I feel it is disrespectful to hit on married men and it says a lot about women that do. There are plenty of single men in this world.
Bridge says
I thought my husband was ugly. A lot of people do actually. He would try to flirt or ask me out I was turned off. But after his persistence…6 months of insane courage on his part, I decided he deserved a chance. He showed me what it means to love someone and truely melts my heart everyday. Now he is the most attractive man on this planet!!! So I am blessed and lucky to have him, I could care less if other girls thought he was attractive. They don’t but he is mine!
Lil Chick says
married females do the same (remove wedding bands) but not for the wrong reasons but to stop many men seeing the ring and trying to get no strings sex.
Eric says
Because many women view men as possessions that assert their status.
The objectification no one talks about…
MB says
@Eric…and the same can be said for a lot of men, too. Many guys will choose a woman based on her appearance because it makes them feel like they have a trophy to show off; it’s about status and posturing in front of other men.
blogster says
you don’t understand men at all. attractiveness is a symbol of youth, fertility ,the ability to bear healthy children.
Stacy says
Paying someone won’t make a daggone difference because you will know in your heart it’s not real and you will still have the same insecurities you had prior.
I have honestly never seen my attractiveness in light of how the men I’ve been with thought other men found me attractive. But I will say that I understand it. I know it’s easier said than done but I agree with Evan, get what you need from your husband.
Curtis says
As a guy, I personally have no interest in seeing a woman I’m attracted to be desired by other men. My attraction to her is based on not only her looks, but also how she makes me feel as a man. When I see a woman I desire being approached by other men, yes I may get a little jealous, but I will NOT desire her more. If anything, I will be somewhat annoyed or disheartened that she has so much attention. I may worry that she may move on to someone else who gives her attention if he is more (insert quality here) than me, depending on how she feels about herself, me and the other guys at the time.
So, I would much rather be with a woman who I find attractive but gets little to no attention from anyone else, than be with a woman who constantly has to turn away other suitors. You might call it insecurity, but I don’t want to constantly wonder if she prefers the attention of other guys to my attention.
So, a bit of advice to women, you might think that flirting with other men to make a guy jealous will do wonders to draw your love interest in, but it definitely doesn’t work on me, and I would imagine it’s not that effective on other men either. It will only serve to push me away.
Curtis says
Just in addition to what I said:
Although men like competition, I think that, for most men, the fun of competition is in competing with oneself for a woman’s affections (i.e. the Chase) rather than competition with other men. The idea of competing with other men, at least to me, feels tiresome. I want to feel like I’m getting somewhere with you, so if I see that your attention is being used up by many other men, even for something as simple as a little flirting, I may not even consider the effort needed to prove myself worthy over them to be worth my time.
However foolish a decision it may have been, I’ve passed up on women who were frequently surrounded by guys because I just didn’t want to try to outperform all of them.
JennLee says
Interesting that you say that, because me and my boyfriend along with some of his friends and their wives and girlfriends were watching a movie, and then one of the Bachelorette episodes came on. The girls wanted to watch it, and the guys groaned, but sat through it. All of the men were in agreement that they would not want to be on the show. They said something similar to you in that they did not want to have to do all of the posturing and one-upmanship that goes on. Thinking back, when one man had my attention alone, early in the courtship, there was a big difference compared to the times when more than one man was vying for my attention. The worst is when it happens at a party and alcohol has been consumed. The guys can get quite nasty with each other. When I was very young, I fell for the guys who could win such competitions, but as I grew older and more experienced, I learned that more often than not, such guys were often, naturally more cruel in their personality. They were also more likely to try to seduce the unavailable women in my circle. They relished the idea of getting over on other men. One of these men, I had broken up with because he had hit on one of my married friends and she told me. Later, I found out that he had turned down sex with a woman we knew who was a swinger. Or more correctly, she had permission to sleep with other men. I asked him about it and he admitted that what turned him off was that the husband gave permission. He said that it took the excitement out of it because what turned him on was getting a woman to betray her man. He admitted that it was the fact that he was taking something from another man that excited him. I found that to be disturbing on many levels, and told him so.
Curtis says
I agree with you. Guys usually get along easily, even when not having known each other very long, but when women get involved, things can go sour quickly.
I’ve been fortunate enough that I haven’t crossed the wrong guy, but I know stories of guys being threatened or belittled for hitting on someone’s girlfriend or crush, whether knowingly or unknowingly. It’s probably not a serious issue that happens to most guys, but it’s common enough that most guys know they have to tread lightly around women in relationships so as not to sour an interaction.
Of course, there’s always that minority of guys who don’t care either way and, frankly, might be looking for an excuse to anger a woman’s boyfriend.
And I’ve passed on women I was attracted to simply because a friend also had a crush on her. I didn’t want to ruin a friendship over a woman.
Adrian says
A perfect example of what you are talking about Evan is the movie “the note book”. The movie isn’t really that great, but the first 10-15 of the movie when Ryan Goslin’s character is chasing the girl, is why so many women love that movie and won’t stop talking about it. The intensity of his desire for her, is the way many women want to feel. As it was revealed to me on this very site in the comments section, when a highly desirable guy desires a woman and chooses her over his many other options, it’s a huge self-esteem boost.
As far as the age and looks thing. I’ve seen it happen before. Most times the couples age together, but some times the woman or man ages more visibly. And as you said Evan (which I agree) women notice competition more than men.
I don’t think anyone should call her weird or misjudge her or her contemplation of hiring someone. Especially on a blog that always mentions how men want younger, thinner, prettier women, and the more options he has to get those women, the more he will exercise them by passing up good, but average looking or bodied women.. It’s normal to feel insecure, he may tell her he loves her everyday, but when the hot model blonde shows interest in your husband, what woman wouldn’t wonder if he isn’t tempted, even just for a second.
MB says
@Adrian…to some extent, I agree with what you said. I think this is also why some women are becoming more cynical about relationships and marriage; they don’t want to have their hearts broken or be “replaced” with somebody else.
This is the part I somewhat disagree with: “when the hot model blonde shows interest in your husband, what woman wouldn’t wonder if he isn’t tempted, even just for a second”?
Hmm…well, that’s a bit of a generalization, no disrespect to you. A “hot” blonde isn’t desirable to everyone. There are men who prefer other types of women and although they might find the blonde attractive in her own way, that doesn’t necessarily mean they would want to be with her, nor does it mean that other women will automatically feel threatened by her. I have more trouble with women who are NOT pretty hitting on my husband in front of me! The more attractive ladies tend to be more respectful and they don’t do that, in my experience.
Whereas for some women who aren’t attractive, it makes them feel better if they can catch the attention of a married man, especially if his wife or significant other is pretty. It makes them feel like they can “steal” a guy from somebody who is better-looking than they are. So it isn’t necessarily pretty girls who are trying to tempt married men…it is often the ones you would least expect. The ones that are plain or obese or frumpy with poor hygiene sometimes have a LOT of confidence in hitting on men who are taken.
LS says
I agree with Evan that there may be larger marital issues at the root of this. Regardless, I do see where the OP is coming from in her initial question.
From my own personal experience, I have found myself slightly more turned on when seeing other women checking out/flirting with my boyfriend. It’s not that I don’t already acknowledge how attractive and great a guy he is; I think it’s just a human instinct to want what others want. Whether biologically driven (competition) or socially driven (marketing/hype), things tend to become more attractive when we know others want them too.
As stated, this particular letter may be a special/bizarre case, but at the base level, I think the OP has a valid point. Just my two cents 🙂
Evan Marc Katz says
You’re speaking from a woman’s point of view. The point of this post was that – per the linked study – most men will not get more turned when another man is interested in his girlfriend. If anything, he’ll get annoyed.
LS says
I agree. Many times, men can get quite defensive when this happens. And I think, to a degree, that may be what the OP is looking for:
I want him to think/feel that other people may be interested in me too…that he isn’t the only one.
Perhaps, him just reacting and getting a little jealous would provide her with the validation she needs (regardless of whether it will actually solve the root problem).
Ron says
As a man who has been fortunate enough to date some beautiful women (based purely on the genes my parents gave me) and I’ve never, ever had any man stare at my girlfriend / wife even though she was probably the most gorgeous woman in the place. I have had men come up to me and shake my hand saying something like “my compliments to your beautiful wife” and I said thank you – I married up when it came to looks and we all laughed. I’ve had heard of men who gave their cards to women who were with their boyfriends and / or tried to hit on them when the went to the ladies room. Those kind of women are the ones that men want to take home tonight and not the ones the want to take home forever. There is a big difference. You could dress a feminine looking man in a sexy dress and those same guys would be hitting on the guy — if a woman has real presence, men respect her and when she does not, they go home with her. No man wants to be with the latter.
mery says
Sounds like you blame everything on the woman, that they get hit on because they are low quality.
The truth is, there will always be guys hitting on the woman, no matter she is of good quality or not, and no matter he respects her or not. It says more about the guy’s quality than the women’s. The only difference comes in when if she takes their contact or ditch them.
Men hitting on attached women is men’s problem, not the women’s.
Ron says
Mery (is that really how you spell your name). I need to preface this with a comment; men who hurt or rape women are psycho and some women feel they have to allow it because they don’t think any man will come to her aid if she screams. If I’m at a party and some guy grabs a woman’s breast I will hurt that guy and he will never even think about it again but a lot of men might look away because they don’t want to get involved. Getting hit on and sexual assault are two very different things and if more men stood up for women put in those positions, the world would be a better place. Having said that, I have never been with a woman and had some guy hit on her even when I was across the room. He thought he would get rejected because she purposefully avoided eye contact and turned her back to him. The women men hit on are the one’s they “believe” will reciprocate and I think Mr. Katz even mentioned that it’s eye contact and body language that gives the guy the green light to approach and some women like the attention. Its basically “Prospect Theory” which is both Psychology and Economics mixed together to describe “risk aversion.” Potential losses are a lot worse than potential gains are good.” If a man thinks that he has a less than say a 70% chance of success he will avoid hitting on her because getting rejected is a lot worse than the possibility of getting a phone number. So yes; I do mean to say that women can control getting hit on. Generally speaking there are two kinds of men; those that like it when other men would love to take their girlfriend / wife / date home for sex that night because she’s so hot and sexy – they don’t want it to happen, but they like it when other men drool over their g.f. I guess it makes them think they have something of value that makes them look better. The other type of man wants a drop dead gorgeous woman with so much class and elegance that those same men are thinking, “God I envy that guy; I wish I had a wife like he does; she’s beautiful.” Personally, if I had a g.f. that was always getting hit on I would stop dating her because its showing me that she needs more attention than I can give her. Here is another way to look at it, if I’m driving a Bentley men are going to look at that car and think “that is a beautiful car” but they can’t afford that kind of car so their not going to go to the dealer and drive one nor will they ask me if they can drive it – its just too pricey and they have no chance of buying / leasing it. But if I’m driving a 1978 Trans Am that is in mint condition there will be guys that will want to drive my car because it’s old and cheap but it looks nice. Some women love the attention of multiple men because it makes them feel good about themselves. Perhaps if I noticed my g.f. getting hit on once out of the blue my first thought would be “what can I do that will make her feel so good about herself that she doesn’t want the attention of men. Men should make their wives / g.f.’s feel great about themselves – that’s one of our jobs. Sorry for the long-winded Thesis – I hope someone finds some value in it that will start a dialog about men making the women in the lives feel great about themselves, and that takes showing love, respect, admiration and a lot of attention from the man (single) in their lives. Again, my apologies for the long-winded whatever it is………..
Sydney Chick says
My husband loves it and tells me to look over there…he’s looking or if it’s a group of men, look over there, they are checking you out. He gets turned on by other men looking at me but if I was to do anything like flirt back, he gets jealous and what was hot and sexy turns into a massive argument.
Tanisha says
Pay your husband to pay attention to you.
Rose says
Yeah I can see myself wanting to do something like this when I was younger and less mature. Women think that men think the way we women think. (Well, and probably men also think that women think the way men think…) Women think that if other women like a guy, then he’s been “vetted” and he must be desirable. So women will like guys that other girls like.
A guy privy to this fact about women can use this strategy to get a girl to notice him, though likely she is not very mature.
Adam says
Great points Rose!
However, I believe this strategy works on the majority of women, whether they are mature or not. And as to men picking up on this strategy and using it, I completely agree and I personally have done this myself to great success.
While woman lie about having a boyfriend or husband in order to KEEP men from hitting on them or to blow men off, increasing numbers of single men are buying wedding rings and lying about being in relationships in order to attract women. Why? Because women are way, way more attracted to men they consider taken than men who are single. In fact, one of my friends who is actually married, had to take off his wedding ring since it was generating tons of female attention.
Chance says
Adam, I think a lot of this can also be due to the fact that many women just feel more comfortable around married men because there’s no assumption of romantic interest. However, I can agree that what you’re describing happens some of the time.
Adam says
You too make valid points.
But the problem is, the women are FAR more romantically interested in guys who are already in a relationship than men who are not. Something about the idea of taking a man from another woman turns many women on. I don’t know why this is, it just is.
Leonor says
Personally I would not approach a man that has a wedding ring. I dont need the drama and I dont like sharing my man so with that said i dont want to be with a man thats taken. I honestly dont play games when it comes to relationships and feel that men shouldnt either. If you want to play the field then say so out front most women want honesty, if their up for a fling then fine but if not they’ll walk away.
Sydney Chick says
I can imagine these women who get off stealing married men must have dark triad attributes because a normal woman wouldn’t be interested in a man that easy to sway.
We filter men by how they behave. Most of us want long term relationships and a man can cheat with us, he’s about 99.9% likely to cheat against us.
So these men buying wedding bands to attract women should be very careful of taking hese women home to mumma. She will likely be some weird bunny boiler.
I agree also with enjoying the married mans company. I love hanging out with them because most of them dont ever try any flirting with me and treat me a bit like the boys. It’s fun to just be a bloke sometimes. Single men can be a little creepy and are always on the prowl. Wedding bands dont detract them either. They think women wearing bands are “less headache” (to the innocent amongst us, that means they just use the woman for sex and she doesn’t expect much back because they are both married – until she ends up boiling his bunny (love that reference)
Karmic Equation says
Adam & Rose,
I’ve read about that phenomenon that women are attracted to men who are in relationships than single men, because by virtue of his being in a relationship signifies he’s relationship-oriented and otherwise relationship-worthy. So yes, that “pre-vetting” thing. Depending on one’s perspective that’s either brilliant or lazy. lol IMO, it signifies insecurity and low character.
Anyway, Adam, I would say that “quality” women, meaning women who are secure, who have good character, and values, would automatically dismiss men already in a relationship from her dating pool.
So all those females that are attracted to your friend and whom you attract by lying about your own status, those women are the kind that sour men on women. Maybe they’re beautiful, maybe they’re easy. If that’s all you’re looking for, then you found it. Bravo!
But if you’re really and truly looking for a good relationship, you’re never going to have one with women like that, because those women either have issues or will cause issues in any relationship you have with them.
Adam says
I understand your point of view and I agree with you in theory. From a logical perspective, women should be far more attracted to single guys than married guys or guys in a relationship. The guy who is not with a woman should be considered more attractive than the man with a woman. But as much as I wish things were not this way, things are this way. Things are just the way they are and we have to adjust to this fact.
The more women who are attracted to you, for any reason, the more likely you are to find a good woman and be able to settle down with her. And beyond that, the more likely she is to be happy over the long term. Again, I don’t make the rules, I only play by them.
See Karmic, we have had discussions about this before and you each time make valid points. But for myself and for many guys like I used to be, how long can we wait, looking for this good woman who somehow considers us a catch and accepts us as we are. This woman, for all we know, may not even exist or maybe so rare that it will take years and years and years to even find her. I remember in my younger days, crying myself to sleep and suffering from deep depression, wondering why women didn’t like me. I remember seeing the girls, even the nice, church going girls going for jerks and being taken and I always said to myself why. I remember feeling totally and utterly and completely hopeless about this area. I remember this. And I remember that EVERYTHING all my well meaning female friends told me to try failed, and not only failed, it failed spectacularly.
Look I WISH being how I used to be worked with women. I wish things were the way you say things should be. I wish what you are saying worked in the real world. I have just never found that it has.
MB says
@Leonor…I agree with you! To me, it would be wrong to hit on a man wearing a wedding band, even if it’s just for show. I guess it indicates how desperate some people have become.
@Sydney Chick…agreed. I believe that women who pursue married men are often very sick; they enjoy hurting others. This is not to say that married men who cheat are innocent victims, but it takes a certain mentality to hit on a married man if you know he’s married but just don’t care. I’ve had to shut down a few women who blatantly came on to my husband in front of me. He is a good-looking guy so that is to be expected, but we also respect one another and don’t allow anyone to disrespect our marriage.
Sunflower says
I think the OP has insecurity issues and needs to work on herself. I’ve never heard of anything more bizzare. Her mentality reminds me of high school antics girls would play on their boyfriends in order for us to feel better about ourselves.
CaliforniaGirl says
I never in my life was actually paying attention if anyone checks me out or shows me signs of attention in public until I met my boyfriend. He notices every glance or smile of any woman around him. He talks about it a lot and every time we go out, he will say to me something like: “Have you seen how she looked at me?” or “I don’t know why, but so many women looked at me tonight, have you noticed?” The funny thing I don’t, I just don’t care if strange people look at me or him or at both of us. To make him feel good, I would answer that yes, I noticed, but I kinda smirk inside that a guy would actually care if a few women looked at him in the bar. For me, if my boyfriend likes me and I like myself that’s enough and I don’t care what other people think. If a women wants attention, she can get attention with a lot of things but what for?
Miss Z says
To all the naysyers: Science has proven this phenomena and it’s called : “Social Proof” – Look it up. This isn’t about women finding men who are in committed relationships more desirable, it’s about the fact that a man HAS TO BE ABLE TO BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN in general. The OP, is feeling her process of social proof kick in, when she sees that women are attracted to her husband, it raises his desireability, and she wants to know if she is in the same boat. It’s just the power of options. Even if they are married, the fact still remains that if they were to divorce one partner will have an easier time finding a desireable mate, and the OP is asking: “Is it him”?
L says
Whenever I have been single and wanting to date, men in relationships were ALWAYS off limits. I don’t have the need to intrude on someone else’s relationship. If a person (man or woman) goes after someone in a relationship and the one they are after turns them down I would imagine it would be a blow to the ego. Worse yet is if they are “successful” in breaking up the relationship then they are stuck with some one who will either cheat on them or dump them when the next new thing comes along.
I do think there are women who are more interested in men who are “taken”. For example, my boyfriend told me that he had always felt invisible. He never thought women found him particularly attractive. After we had been dating for awhile (and the people he worked with had met me) he went to a birthday party for a woman at work. The party was at a bar and the birthday girl (who was attractive and much younger than him) got very drunk and hit on him. He told me that was the first time in his life an attractive woman had done that. She told him that she could “totally do” him. He thanked her, assured her he found her attractive but that he had a girlfriend (which, of course she knew). When he told me about it later I laughed and said I wish I had been there. He asked what I would have done. I said that I would have told her that she obviously had fabulous taste in men and that he f*cked like a champion. He couldn’t stop smiling the rest of the night.
MB says
@L…great story! And I couldn’t agree more. I think with women who are interested in other women’s boyfriends or husbands, there are several issues going on. I also think that for many of them it’s a “thrill” to hit on/have sex with guys who are taken; sad that this is the only way they can feel good about themselves instead of finding a guy of their own.
Your boyfriend handled that situation very well. However, I noticed one minor detail where you said your boyfriend told you that his coworker was the first attractive woman who had ever hit on him. What about you? Doesn’t he find you (his girlfriend) attractive as well? I’m just curious. Because it would make me feel weird if a person I’d been dating for a while told me that…that’s just me, though.
IT'S BOB! says
This question is another reminder of how so many otherwise intelligent, smart and generally credible women just can’t seem to refrain from projecting their preferences onto men.
What’s worse is that even after Evan tells everyone that men aren’t like women, some of the respondents actually argue with him!
For those who aren’t so obtuse or argumentative to be incapable of getting it- men aren’t like women; a man is either sexually attracted to a woman or he isn’t and he doesn’t need other men to see a given woman as sexually attractive for him, too, to feel a stirring in “that” place when he looks at her.
As others have said, a man likes it better if certain other men DON’T find his woman attractive. IMO, this is rooted in an man’s evolutionary psychology in which, in his lower brain, he doesn’t want his woman to sleep with another man as that could lead to her becoming pregnant with another man’s child, esp in a Postmodern society in which adultry and cuckoldry are not illegal and nearly anything is condoned if not accepted.
Personally- I don’t want my woman to catch the eye of certain other men. That’s the second time I used the word ‘certain,’ and with reason; Most men aren’t atractive to most women, but some men are, and certain men will be more attractive than myself and will have more to offer. That’s not insecurity, that’s reality. So what if a man better than myself takes an interest in my woman and wants to seduce her? What if they have better chemistry than she does with me? Well, blatantly selfishly speaking, I’d rather that not happen..
The above scenario of a better an wanting to poach my woman is one of higher stakes when a woman is younger, fertile, and whose mind is turning toward having children in the next several years. That’s when I have way more to lose, esp given that it takes time for a man to develop a relatioship with a woman, to impress her, pass her tests and do the same with her friends who he will certainly meet.
If some of you still can’t grasp the concept after reading this, you probably never will.
Curtis says
This is basically what I was trying to communicate, so thank you for your observation. You summed it up well. Evan consistently gives women the tools they need to keep a guy around, so please everyone listen to him. His advice is not hollow.
I frequently see women flirting with many men, and I’m all for keeping options open to find the right person, but when you really like someone, you would do well to just give that person our full attention until you’re sure you don’t want them, rather than trying to make it seem like you have lots of options by flirting and trying to play at the jealousy game. Guys don’t want to see that. Many potentially wonderful relationships were probably ruined by women playing this game.
It doesn’t make me feel very masculine to have a women I’m interested in tell me all these wonderful things about me that she likes, only to go off and flirt with someone else. It cheapens the whole dating experience.
Sydney Chick says
I love your username It’s BOB.
What does this mean for men though for men who are able to bring in the very attractive women (wives). Do they live a worse existence worrying about their women being poached all the time. Do you believe men with less attractive women live happier?
I know of a lot of women who stay clear of men who are good with women (and these are stunning women). They want to live peacefully and not have to worry about the “sharks” so a lot of women use the “social proof” to avoid “certain men”.
Peter 51 says
There are definitely bragging rights to having a trophy woman on your arm but having other men show interest is about your status and power not her sexual attractiveness. The degree to which you can risk her flirting with some one else and still not get jealous is a demonstration of strength of relationship and thus status.
During the first 22 years of my marriage my loyalty was unquestionable. I never looked at another woman despite 18 years without sex. Once parenthood ended I started for the exit. My ex now finds me much more attractive than when I made myself invisible to other women. I make sure that my current partner is aware that other women give me attention. It works wonders. I get respect. I never had respect when I could be taken for granted. Given my ex was 5 years older and my current is 24 years younger this was not a forgone conclusion. A lot of older men with younger women get very jealous and ruing a good thing. Wrong answer. Make her a little jealous. (OK, a tech geek doesn’t get that much opportunity to meet women that give hem attention so its not always possible).
A wedding ring, children, scout leadership and a long marriage are all magnets for young women, especially daughters of single mothers (or maybe that’s what most women are these days). Over 45’s less so.
MB says
@Peter 51…good points. However, I was the daughter of a single mother and I would NEVER pursue a married man despite whatever “daddy issues” I admittedly had growing up. My parents divorced because of my father’s cheating and getting the other woman pregnant while he was married to my mom. So there are still some of us out there who respect other people’s marriages.
Thomas65 says
My wife has always been attractive to other guys as she is blonde and curvaceous with good legs. For most of our marriage I was quite jealous of her and the fact that guys hit on her. However over the last 10 odd years as I have got older and friends’ wives have got rather mumsy and unattractive she, although now mid 50s is still very shapely and attractive to guys. AND I now rather find it a turn on and encourage her to dress sexier to show off her assets.
She too finds it good for her ego to see young guys checking her out and loves the fact it turns me on and makes each night out a bit of an adventure especially if we are having a weekend out of town. Then she really dresses to attract attention in short tight skirts ( she has a magnificent rear and shapely thighs and goes braless in sheerish tops ( again she has great breasts and prominent nipples). I don’t think I NEED to see other guys desire my partner but she and I find it fun and a turn on!
Thomas65 says
As I stated earlier my wife dressing sexier in public has proven to be a turn on for both of us. As she has realised she is still very attractive to other guys and young guys at that she has got more confident in taking the lead in our lovemaking and being a great deal more adventurous. On Saturday night she said with the brighter nights she thought it would soon be time for longer skirts rather than the short skirts and stockings she has been wearing when we go out and told ne she was going to make it a special night. She chose the restaurant – a little out of town – and her outfit was really spectacular – sheer tight top which held up her large mature breasts and showed off her nipples to perfection and a short tight red skirt through which you could see the outline of her suspenders and the shapeliness of her jutting buttocks. She got a lot of attention in the bar pre dinner and in the restaurant and when she went out to the loo at the end of the meal lots of eyes went to her bouncing buttocks and breasts. As she had to go through the bar to the loo while I paid the bill she told me she had not only attracted quite a few admiring glances but also some pretty ribald comments from a group of young guys. It had obviously turned her on because when we were getting into the car she said ‘you look so good tonight that I want you to take me to …….. (a well known picnic area) and f*** my brains out and then take me back to the bar for a drink. I want to feel the decadent feeling of my man having serviced me and yet other guys wanting me. What a night!
Jenn says
While the research may show that a male’s INITIAL attraction is not based on whether or not other males find the woman attractive, my own personal experience has shown that being in a long-term relationship is very different than being intially attracted to someone. My ex-husband did not find me very attractive after several years of being together. In our early 20’s he would complain about my appearance/weight regularly ( luckily for myself, I knew that he had an unrealistic body-image problem not only with me, but also with himself–my clothing size ranged from a 00-3, and I had to have arguments with him that I was in fact slightly underweight, did NOT need to lose anything, and that it was in fact HEALTHY for the female body to have some fat, and no matter what, it would be impossible for anyone to ever attain HIS idea of what someone should look like. I did not ever take his insults to my appearance personally because I understood that he had issues. I WAS, HOWEVER, ACTUALLY A BIT SURPRISED UPON DIVORCING TO REALIZE THAT I WAS ACTUALLY CONSIDERED VERY ATTRACTIVE). My ex-husband did finally realize that he was wrong well after our divorce when so many men went after me upon being single (including some of our friends) and some of his dates were insecure because they felt that they were less attractive than I was ( and these girls were totally wrong, they were also very attractive!)….Anyway, the good news is that he no longer judges women in the same way and has gotten over some of his unrealistic body views ( thankfully for himself and future girlfriends/wife!)
Anyway, with my ex-boyfriend, it was the same thing. At some point, he thought so lowly of me…….that one day at work, around people that we were not normally around, several women and a few men came up and complimented me on things ranging from my looks, to sense of style to work ethic…and the look on his face was one of genuine surprise! So much of our relationship existed in a secretive manner, cut-off from other people, that he had begun to see me only in regards to what he didn’t like about me ( mostly huge cultural differences).
So, I kind of get where this woman may be coming from. Sometimes, without outside influence or the perspectives of others, people’s views in a relationship may become somewhat warped.
It is possible that she correctly intuits that her man no longer finds her attractive, but in my mind, paying someone to flirt is the wrong move. Often “Taken” women ( and men) give off an vibe of un-approachability….So perhaps instead of paying someone, she should simply work on making herself as physically attractive as possible, wear stylish clothing that will be complimented, while also working on her personality and approachability. Have some non-flirtatious conversations with men and women, where she is interested in their stories or lives but not giving off a “sexual” vibe. That alone may do wonders for her self-esteem, make her appear more attractive and give her husband a new perspective. After all, alot of flirtations are based on approachability, not on how high someone’s level of attractiveness is.
MB says
@Jenn…oh yes, your ex didn’t realize what he had until he lost it. I used to be very petite as well, ranging from size 00-4, and certain people used to call me “fat”. I think that when some guys put their wives or girlfriends down about looks, there are some issues; porn also contributes to this sometimes because it creates unrealistic expectations. If a guy is constantly looking at certain images and then compares his girlfriend or wife with other women, this “you’re not good enough” attitude comes up.
Some guys are never satisfied, even if the woman they’re with is a perfect 10. She could be beautiful inside and out but they will still find fault with her. It makes you wonder if they intentionally try to lower your self-esteem so you won’t leave them. I’ve had more than a few guys do that with me, so I speak from experience.
My husband is the type who commands attention…he is tall with a lean athletic build, in his mid-forties, dark hair, piercing blue eyes, usually well dressed, nice smile, and articulate. He looks like the “alpha male” type. I’ve noticed that women of all ages/races respond to him. But to his credit, he is fairly oblivious to it. He is also 14 years older than me. There have been times when he doesn’t always show me as much attention as I would like, but I’m trying to use that as motivation to step my game up. I was very pretty when he met me, with a nice figure (sorry for tooting my own horn!) and I want to get my “groove” back.
And I agree, paying somebody to flirt IS the wrong move! That just seems desperate. Like you said, it might be better to step her game up and improve herself in more constructive ways that might boost her confidence, which might then make him look at her in a new way like “damn, girl!” Sometimes relationships become stale after a few years and we have to work on spicing things up a bit. Like with me, I know I’ve gained a lot of weight so I have to do something about it. Not just to make my husband want me, but so I can look in the mirror and appreciate my body again. Working on hair and makeup helps tremendously; like you said, personality matters too.
Carol52 says
As Tom said I was reasonably careful and conservative about my dress until about 10 years ago because I did get hit on quite a bit which is normal if you are blonde and busty. And Tom did get jealous. But when we were holidaying about 10 years ago and I felt he was eyeing up too many of the young topless girls I decided to show him what he had, and purchased a very tiny g string bikini. I felt a little underdressed when I showed it off at the pool but I got Tom’s attention and quite a bit of other male attention which made me realise guys appreciate a more mature figure if its shown off. Tom too noticed this and when we came in from the pool and we made love like teenagers. That night I went braless with only a tiny g string in a semi sheer dress when we went to dinner and for a few drinks, and once again the attention my breasts and rear got, excited him and that night we again made really passionate love. He openly declared that it made him really proud to feel that other guys really desired ‘his woman’.
Since then he has encouraged me to wear sexy clothing when we are out, especially outside our own neighbourhood and so most nights like that are a sexual adventure. Yes sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable when I get disapproving glances and even comments from wives — probably because their husbands can’t keep their eyes off me but also very flattering attention and compliments from guys of all ages including guys in their 20a. This is good for my ego! Tom and I have such fun and I regret the wasted years when we could have had such fun.
Tom is fit and fairly virile but earlier this year felt that he needed a boost and on an overnight away tried one of the EH drugs — what a night — we really did make love like teenagers. He was rampant and insatiable, I felt the difference and I loved all of it! We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and the sex was truly amazing. Since then we have a night a month where he is ‘turbo charged’.
We are more focused on each other than ever and we use our special nights out to push the boundaries with each other so that it is a sexual adventure for both of us. On Saturday night he told me he ‘fancied a big night’ and when I agreed he booked a place a bit out of our own locality. I played my part by wearing a sheer top with no bra and a very short red skirt that I had only ever worn at home as it is quite obvious from the shortness of it and the thin material that I am wearing stockings and suspenders. When he saw me in the gear I don’t think he needed anything to enhance his performance and he too had made an effort and looked absolutely scrumptious.
My outfit did get quite a few glances and comments but when we were enjoying our coffee I told him to fully utilise his pill and take me to a local picnic area for wild outdoor sex. I thought it would feel quite decadent if he brought me back for a drink after ‘servicing’ me. I didn’t need to ask him twice and we had a superb and very energetic session on one of the tables with the added frisson of the chance of someone coming along. And for him the thought of taking me back into a place where several guys would obviously like to have me with him having already ‘taken’ me.
When we went back into the bar — me a bit love and wind swept — I really did feel quite decadent in my post coital state seeing other guys checking me out and knowing that I had more to come from hubby but if I really wanted could have a lot more from guys from a wide range of ages.
The obvious question is am I ever tempted to take things a bit further with or involving some of the guys and I would be telling lies if I said we both hadn’t fantasised about involving some other guy and for my part I have thought of what it would be like to let a much younger guy make love to me. But at present we are very happy with our own sexual adventures.
Kathleen says
I’m pretty sure the guy who did the hot or not research would disagree on that. Men’s ratings are influenced by other men’s ratings. “Whereas people (and males in particular) tended to give higher attractiveness ratings to targets judged to be more attractive by other individuals, people seemed to judge targets’ attractiveness similarly regardless of how attractive they themselves were (see also Keisling & Gynther, 1993).” -If I’m Not Hot, Are You Hot or Not?
Though the advice is still sound because relationships don’t run on physical attractiveness.
Darius says
There are actually comparisons of humans to other animal species.
Certain female fish are attracted to male fish based on the attraction of other female fish. If a crowd of female fish swarm around a male fish, the female fish sense him to be more desirable.
As a man, I do not feel that if other men find my girlfriend more attractive I will find her more attractive. To me it is the opposite; I become nervous that she will potentially choose another man over me. To me it is one more thing to worry about.
Jessica says
You know I have to admit that is great advice. My man accused me of cheating on him, when I just went to my guyfriend’s house to talk about my man to him and my man accused me of cheating on him, but he broke up with me, so I went to be with that guyfriend because he trusted me and my man was sorry that he said that to me. Then he accused me of doing something with another guy, but that guy said my man was cheating on me, but I shouldn’t of believed that guy because he just wanted to get in my panties and he tried to rape me and my man wanted me back, but he did do something that was wrong and he stopped doing things that was wrong. If your man is jealous then break up with him and make him jealous and then he will trust you if you break up with him to be with another guy because your man is to jealous, so make him jealous and he will want you more after he finds out that you get another guy in your life that trusts you. I am not going to lie that I was sad that he said I might like this other woman and I am not jealous because she has kids and drama too. Don’t lie to me about drugs. Your man will trust you after you got him to trust you because you are making him think you can get any man that will trust you and he will be a better man when you start making him think he is the best thing that happened to you, but if you don’t trust her then you will lose her because you don’t trust her around other guys and I don’t get along with females, but after saying he trusts me because he sees how faithful I am when he trusts me around other guys and if he doesn’t trust me then I break up with him and find another guy to hang out with or be with to make him realize what he has lost and he is trusting me 100%.
Gaziza says
Hmm.. That’s interesting, even though I completely agree about my female desire is activated when i feel desired, I never felt like I get more interested in a man, because other women interested in him. Moreover I have the opposite feeling 🙂
Sydney Chick says
Me too (prior to meeting my husband).
My girlfriends and sisters all agree.
Social proof must be real but it mustn’t apply to all women
Sarah Lund says
I know that he’s mine, so I can have no need to worry, if he flirts with other women. Though, none of my past boyfriends ever did this, when they were in a relationship with me. And by flirting, I don’t mean he just suddenly starts asking them out, or kissing. It’s more like a “geezer” type of attitude. I think he likes to reassure himself that people in general like him. He kept asking me if I will stick around. My reply was “Of course I will. You took time out to look after me”. Not that I can’t be independent, or rely on him, he was again seeking reassurance. Maybe something happened in his past, like someone abandoned him. And to be fair, being abandoned by someone you thought you could rely on, is the ultimate “fuck you”. It’s saying it, without having the guts to PHYSICALLY say it. However, I don’t know his full history. Flirting can be fun, but if it hurts someone else’s feelings, it’s already over.
Cortni says
I’m so confused. Evan, you have done many, many posts about how it is in a man’s nature to look at other women and how as women, we should just accept it and not be insecure. However, all of the guys here are stating EXACTLY the way women feel about them looking at, desiring other women but they can’t handle it when the shoe is on the other foot. Soooo…it’s okay for them to stare at, look at, get sexually turned on by another woman in the room, (and make his SO feel like shit in the process because maybe she is prettier, fitter, etc.), BUT men don’t find it okay that other men look at their women because she may find the other man richer, LARGER, more powerful, a better catch. Isn’t that the same thing? Please advise.
Karmic Equation says
“Soooo…it’s okay for them to stare at, look at, get sexually turned on by another woman in the room, (and make his SO feel like shit in the process because maybe she is prettier, fitter, etc.)”
The bold-italicized part is called PROJECTION.
That is what YOU think your bf is thinking. It may not be what he’s thinking.
Most likely he’s thinking, “Yeah, I’d hit that.” But that’s a little different than being “turned on”. Think about it. It’s the difference between looking at Joe Manganiello and thinking, “Oh god, he is hot!” to “Oh, man, I’d like to s*ck his …” — Huge difference in thought process. Men look at pretty women and think the former, and only real dogs think the latter. You don’t want to be with a dog. So if you believe your guy thinks like a dog, then dump him whether or not you have proof otherwise. Because as Evan wrote in a recent post “Perception is reality.” If you perceive your bf to be a dog, there’s really very little he can do to change your perception of him unless he changes his behavior–and if you ask him to change his behavior, then you’re not accepting him as he is, so you just may as well dump him, and save both of you future heartache.
The reality is all men look. The really good ones do it surreptitiously. The ones who openly ogle…hmmm… those guys you have to evaluate on a case by case basis.
Cortni says
…and just because the dude is more powerful, wonderful, better-looking, richer, etc., when he hits on me and I am flattered I am just thinking, ” He’s really, really, got it together -I’d get with that.” See, there is no difference so men should be comfortable when a guy with more money, a better car, and a larger (you know what) is looking at their girlfriend’s butt and she enjoys it – we are women after all. Just like you like to look, we like to be looked at, by very handsome, powerful and rich men. “Oh, but babe, so what I glanced at him a few times tonight – it’s human nature. Of course you could never BE the man he is, BUT I would never leave you for him.” See… same thought process.
So the men here saying they don’t want to be with a woman whom men give a lot of attention – get over it. Keep looking, keep ogling because when we get up to go to the restroom, there is some dud trying to slip us their number. See, we can’t help it either – especially if he is more successful and powerful. How does that make you feel? Don’t worry, we don’t tell him that he is better in front of you. You try to sneak a peak, we sneak a compliment – behind your back (surreptitiously). So just like that woman knows that you think she’s hot when you look, he definitely knows that he could probably take your woman home – IF he really wanted to.
Amanda says
Cortni is SO right! Thats the kind of girl I would love to hang out with. Apparently according to Evan or whomever wrote that response I am married to a dog thats so transparent and shallow and in no way a good provider … i feel like he is just shy of weird. I should have known nothing would change almost 30 years after we met . People rarely change but he has made adjustments as he calls it. So sad really i just dont have any respect left for him and apparently myself. We aren’t robots and we have proved we can think outside of the box so why are we so eager to categorize and blame our gender on most everything we do? Maybe these studies need to be conducted again with different subjects !
Sydney Chick says
You go girl!!!
Loving this blog, particularly your comment
Ali sheikh says
Women can easily have sex with men above their league . Men have sex below their league easily . All women want above average guy. He’s just not that into you means you are dating above your league. Women are way different cause no matter what happens women will want the best while most men settle with what they get. When he turns 30 tables turn. Now he knows women n how to talk. 80% women sleep with 20% men. After beta males turn 30 they get women from 18 to 40. Now these men get to enjoy sex
Sydney Chick says
If that’s what you need to say to help you, go ahead but you may want to pay attention to this blog and the question asked…..pay some woman to show you’re good with the ladies. You’ll have a better chance with social proof than waiting for that magical number.
I can imagine your fantasy, when you go to bed at 29 years of age and wake up at aged 30, suddenly there will be a harem of women surrounding your bed aged 18-40. Good luck with that.
Mark says
My wife is a super person and very hot, I shouldn’t have been so lucky to marry her. She loves sex and I some times have a hard time keeping up with her. One year we were in the Bahamas and she was napping and I was doing some window shopping. I decided to go back to our room early and when I opened the door I saw her and a big black guy making love. To me it was the hottest thing I’ve ever watched. They were so into it and they didn’t notice me, I closed the door went back down stairs had a drink and just waited for awhile. I wasn’t upset I just kept reliving the scene in my head, it was exciting. I told her that I saw them and forgave her, I just didn’t want her to get pregnant or some diseases. She admitted the guy didn’t have a condom and we did it skin to skin. The only thing I was upset with is I wasn’t able to watch them that would have got me excited or I could’ve joined in.
AllHeart81 says
When I was younger, I certainly played the “other men find me attractive’ game when another man would hit on me, I’d be sure to tell my boyfriend about it. I wanted him to know that there were other men out there that thought me attractive. I especially did it after a situation where he was checking other women out or I knew he had looked at porn. I didn’t really care either way if another woman was looking or flirting with my boyfriend. I cared about his actions in response. It’s ironic though that men don’t like it when other men notice their girlfriend but most men will defend his right to notice other women until he’s blue in the face?
I did enjoy reading the thoughts and opinions of the men here though. I found them insightful and interesting.
But I don’t agree with this: ”
“Male fantasies focus on giving satisfaction, not on receiving it. Men see themselves in their fantasies bringing the woman to orgasm, not themselves. Women see the man, set aflame by uncontrollable lust for them, bringing them ecstasy. Men want to excite women. Women want men to excite them.”
Male fantasies (and I’m basing this on what we see in porn) appear to focus on women being satisfied based on anything a man wants to do with her body. No matter what it may be. She simply is pleased because she has no other feelings or needs other then the ones he wants her to have. She doesn’t object to whatever weird, painful or yes..pleasurable thing a man wants to do with her body. She’s up for it all because *he* wants it. He’s happy because she is not shown having any real feelings or needs of her own other then her utter and complete happiness in any choice he makes or action he takes. Men very well may want the woman to achieve orgasm. But in male fantasies like porn, it is not because he truly cares about the actual things that turn her on and performing them so much as he just does whatever he wants and his pleasure and happiness in that freedom is her ultimate aphrodisiac. He very well may want to excite the women .But not neccesarily because he cares about what truly would excite her so much as he wants her pleasure to come from her complete and utter acceptance to whatever healthy or unhealthy thing he wants to do to her body.
Now I totally agree that a woman wants the man to be completely aflame for her. However, I don’t think this stems from a more selfish desire of pleasure, looking for a man to simply satisfy her. She wants to able to set him aflame because she knows how important looks are to men. She knows that being beautiful is something men deeply care about. And if she can not turn a man on in this way, that pretty much is like him saying “you’re less of a woman to me.” Weather that’s women’s true sexual nature or a by-produce of our society, women are taught very early that they are suppose to be the object that ignites lust. It’s are job to look hot, prance around and do the things that turn men on. We are suppose to be sex dolls and porn stars. Not fully actualized human beings with our own set of complex needs and feelings. When I was younger, I mostly cared about pleasing my partner. I did not have the maturity or skills to ask for what really would turn me on. Most young women don’t. So when a man did something to my body, weather I liked it or not, I went with it because it was my role to be the fantasy that was suppose to perform for him.
AllHeart81 says
When I was younger, I certainly played the “other men find me attractive’ game when another man would hit on me, I’d be sure to tell my boyfriend about it. I wanted him to know that there were other men out there that thought me attractive. I especially did it after a situation where he was checking other women out or I knew he had looked at porn. I didn’t really care either way if another woman was looking or flirting with my boyfriend. I cared about his actions in response. It’s ironic though that men don’t like it when other men notice their girlfriend but most men will defend his right to notice other women until he’s blue in the face?
I did enjoy reading the thoughts and opinions of the men here though. I found them insightful and interesting.
But I don’t agree with this: ”
“Male fantasies focus on giving satisfaction, not on receiving it. Men see themselves in their fantasies bringing the woman to orgasm, not themselves. Women see the man, set aflame by uncontrollable lust for them, bringing them ecstasy. Men want to excite women. Women want men to excite them.”
Male fantasies (and I’m basing this on what we see in porn) appear to focus on women being satisfied based on anything a man wants to do with her body. No matter what it may be. She simply is pleased because she has no other feelings or needs other then the ones he wants her to have. She doesn’t object to whatever weird, painful or yes..pleasurable thing a man wants to do with her body. She’s up for it all because *he* wants it. He’s happy because she is not shown having any real feelings or needs of her own other then her utter and complete happiness in any choice he makes or action he takes. He doesn’t have to meet her needs because her needs are the ones he sets. Men very well may want the woman to achieve orgasm. But in male fantasies like porn, it is not because he truly cares about the actual things that turn her on and performing them so much as he just does whatever he wants and his pleasure and happiness in that freedom is her ultimate aphrodisiac. He very well may want to excite the women .But not neccesarily because he cares about what truly would excite her so much as he wants her pleasure to come from her complete and utter acceptance to whatever healthy or unhealthy thing he wants to do to her body.
Now I totally agree that a woman wants the man to be completely aflame for her. However, I don’t think this stems from a more selfish desire of pleasure, looking for a man to simply satisfy her. She wants to able to set him aflame because she knows how important looks are to men. She knows that being beautiful is something men deeply care about. And if she can not turn a man on in this way, that pretty much is like him saying “you’re less of a woman to me.” Whether that’s women’s true sexual nature or a by-produce of our society, women are taught very early that they are suppose to be the object that ignites lust. If you can not ignite lust, you are not a real woman. It’s our job to look hot, prance around and do the things that turn men on. We are suppose to be sex dolls and porn stars. Not fully actualized human beings with our own set of complex needs and feelings. When I was younger, I mostly cared about pleasing my partner. I did not have the maturity or skills to ask for what really would turn me on. Most young women don’t. So when a man did something to my body, whether I liked it or not, I went with it because it was my role to be the fantasy that was suppose to perform for him.
Willowandy says
Does other men liking her make her more sweet, kind, caring, serious about relationships..? No.
From my perspective it comes across as odd if you are more interested in what others want than what you yourself want when judging a partner. It is not a man thing.
kath says
As a woman I am not at all interested in competing with other women for a man . In fact it’s a massive turn off to me if a mans attention is diverted away from me towards other women and I’m likely to leave him to her
Anna says
It turns both my husband and I. When we go out together I dress revealing. Short Summer dress, thin fabric, no bra, some cleavage.
Insidious_Sid says
Men want a beautiful woman.
Women want a man who is finer than the men the other women in the room have.
If a woman in the room has a finer man, that’s like a personal failing on her part.
Then jealously rears it’s ugly head.
sindi says
not sure i agree with evan. i’ve seen a man on a regular basis at a business that never looked my way, until a coworker started looking at me like a pork chop on a platter . then he started to show interest in me also. some times i think if several guys think a woman is hot, other ones will follow suit. maybe it’s just to fit in idk
Yet Another Guy says
Men will also dump a woman that too many men desire. When comes to resources (and a woman can be considered to be a resource), men tend to want to minimize competition. No man wants to have to constantly look over his shoulder while out with his woman in order to keep what I like to refer to as “wolves” at bay. Wolves are men who do not respect relationship boundaries. They are the men who will hit on a woman who arrived with a man when the man goes to the restroom. The more beautiful the woman, the hungrier the wolves.
Yet Another Guy says
@Evan
the delicate, tentative guy who politely thinks about you and asks if this is okay or that is okay is a guy who may meet the expectations of your gender politics (treats me as an equal; is respectful of me; communicates with me) and your parents’ preferences, but he may also put you into a sexual coma–not despite these qualities, but because of them.
Bingo! I routinely tell guys that they should never ask a woman’s permission to kiss her or escalate touch because it comes across as being non-masculine. Women want alpha males when it comes to romance and sex, and an alpha male takes what he wants. Granted, a man should respect a woman’s wishes if she pulls away when he attempts to kiss her, but asking permission is a major dating faux pas that screams, “I am a beta male.” While I am definitely going to receive push back for mentioning it, experience has taught me that women want to be taken by men that they desire.
Emily, the original says
YAG,
I actually posted that comment. It was from an article on Psychology Today’s website.
While I am definitely going to receive push back for mentioning it, experience has taught me that women want to be taken by men that they desire.
In a word: Yes. Just come at me. It is a complete turn off when a man asks for permission. I had a sex buddy a few years ago who would ask via text what I wanted before our meetups. It came off as wussyesque.
Clare says
YAG,
This is absolutely true. I am quite convinced that two totally different parts of the brain are engaged when answering questions and when working up physical desire. Having to wrench your whole brain and body out of “turned on” mode to answer the question “can I kiss you?” is enough to derail any promising sexual encounter.
I know Emily has mentioned this before and it is definitely how I feel: the less talking during sex and the lead up to it, the better. Keep requests and instructions to a minimum and just focus on being in the moment.
Part of what turns most ordinary women on is the fantasy of a man taking them… not in an aggressive way, but in a confident way. A man who can think and act for himself in the bedroom. Even if he doesn’t get it 100% right, the confidence is sexy.
Emily, the original says
Clare,
A man who can think and act for himself in the bedroom. Even if he doesn’t get it 100% right, the confidence is sexy.
One of the hottest moments of my 20s was when I went to the apartment of a guy who I had met through friends. It was obviously going to be a hook up, and as I stepped through the front door and started to walk towards the living room, he stopped me and said,”Why don’t you come in here?” He was referring to his bedroom. Thank goodness, I thought! We aren’t going to sit and make bullshit conversation with each other for the next two hours before something happens. This guy knows what he wants and it doesn’t make him nervous.
Clare says
Emily,
You crack me up!
Yeah, I had a few moments like that myself in my 20s. Something I would never do now, but back then, nothing seemed very serious.
I must say though, I have come to value the man who may not be as confident, but is very attentive and sensitive to my desires. As long as he doesn’t talk too much, such a man can be wonderful in the bedroom, even if he is not as exciting.
If I am absolutely honest though, I think it is the man who falls more on the confident side whom I will end up going for in the long run. I’m a strong woman, and I need to feel that a man is at least my equal in strength.
Emily, the original says
Clare,
I think it is the man who falls more on the confident side whom I will end up going for in the long run. I’m a strong woman, and I need to feel that a man is at least my equal in strength.
If the man isn’t confident, I feel like I have to be the man and take charge, which I can do but I don’t want to all of the time. If he’s too sensitive, then he may need a lot of reassurance, which can be draining.
Amy says
I get so annoyed when I see all the comments about how women are more attracted to married men just because they are married and even more annoyed when I hear the women hit on the married men! Someone needs to hear from a single woman’s side. I am a single women who will be fifty soon. I have had three married men not only flirt with me but pursue me! I have never once flirted with them first or any man for that matter. I always wait for the guy to approach me. Many single woman are vulnerable to any man’s attention and get really hurt when married men flirt knowing it won’t go anywhere but need the who boost from a single women. It’s the married men who start it ladies. Your husband’s not the women. I have had to turn down three me!!!
sindi says
i disagree. my husband doesn’t notice how i look until other people, not necessarily men, but people commenting on my looks. if someone says i look sexy or hot, he’ll go on about it for days mimicking the same responses they did. it’s like he has no clue until someone else mentions it.
Victoria Abruzzo says
My opinion is that if your husband is making you feel insecure about yourself etc. Because he has other woman looking at him, ( and if you noticed that, believe me he has too) I would not be spending any money to pay any other guy to pay attention to me to try to get my husband attention or jealous… I’d go to get Botox, lip fillers etc. To make myself feel better about MYSELF, and start working out, and concentrating on getting myself feeling more secure about ME, Sweetie… Don’t do it for anyone but only for YOU !!! And then you’ll feel good about Yourself and not even worry whoever’s looking at your husband because he’ll be drooling over you !!!