My Boyfriend Is A Cuckold Who Wants Me To Sleep With Other Men

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I am in a relationship with a wonderful man that I do love very much but I’m on the fence.  He wants to marry me and grow old with me he says.

Our sex life is wonderful however he has this sexual fetish and I really deep down wish he didn’t have it.  You say you understand men. Do you understand what men REALLY want sexually? This is REALLY crazy and I don’t understand it. I’ve tried. He says he is monogamous with me but he really loves the idea of me sleeping with other men on occasion.  For example, when he takes a trip skiing with his guy friends, he likes the idea of me just hooking up with someone for sex only, no love connection and then telling him about it when he returns during sex. He gets super aroused by this. Like I said, it’s a fetish.

What do I do? Should I break things off? Everything else is perfect with him except this. I have not done this for him (only in fantasy). It sounds exciting and fun in fantasy only. For me, flirting and hooking up in real life feels wrong.  I don’t want to do it.  Yet, because I love him so much, I desire to please him.  

Do I need your class? 

-Raye

Dear Raye,

Your boyfriend wants to be a cuckold. 

Your boyfriend wants to be a cuckold.

Cuckolding is a fetish that’s rare but growing (as evidenced by a doubling of Google searches for the term). 

As with all fetishes, it only works if you’re comfortable with it. And it’s not my place to tell you to get comfortable with it (although there are many men who would appreciate the equivalent of a permanent hall pass from their wives). 

The interesting thing about your question, Raye, is that I feel your boyfriend needs more advice than you do.

On one hand, you can experiment with this fetish and see how it feels to get sexual pleasure from someone other than your boyfriend without being labeled a cheater. 

If you don’t like it, you can stop. If you do like it, you can continue. 

On the other hand, you can stand your ground and not sleep with anybody else. 

That puts the ball back in his court: what’s more important to your boyfriend, to keep YOU happy or to get his rare sexual fetish met by his girlfriend?

Essentially, my advice is to conduct yourself like the CEO rather than the intern. Instead of worrying what’s going to make him happy (which does matter), reframe this as to whether having this type of relationship with you makes YOU happy.

If it doesn’t, then HE is the one with the big decision to make, not you.

And yes, that CEO way of looking at the world is in my Love U course.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Jules

    If you’re not comfortable then don’t do it. If he was asking you to do something more moderate then I would say yes give it a go but this is kinda big. Another perspective to consider is Dan Savage. He writes about kinks a lot and I bet he’s written something about this. Good luck!

  2. 2
    Marie

    Raye. I have a long term boyfriend with the same fetish. From my experience it is a very strong fetish that is unlikely to dissipate. And once you do give into it and actually be with another man, it escalates. The desire gets stronger. The request for stories increases. And there is the possibility it opens the door to him wanting the freedom to be with others. That has not happened with me and doesn’t usually happen with this fetish but it can. I get many valuable things from my relationship that I have accepted this fetish (and honestly it turns me on at times for him to think I’m so hot that other men want me). However i mostly make up the experiences. I don’t actually go with other men but I tell him I do. I suppose some may think it’s lying but it makes him happy. I have on occasion actually done it but am fearful of STDs. I also have heard of other ways of handling it. You can agree to engage in this activity or talk about this activity only a few months a year. Set time limits. I strongly encourage you to do this if you decide to stay. Otherwise it will be that every time you have sex he will want to hear about you and other men. Evan is right that it is your choice but I don’t see your boyfriend just being able to put this fetish aside out of love for you. That’s just my experience.

  3. 3
    Marie

    Jules. Yes Dan Savage has written a great article about it which helped me understand the reasons behind it. I think there is another on psychology today as well. The other concern I forgot to mention is that at least in my situation is that my boyfriend’s desire is largely due I believe in the competitive nature Dan describes. My boyfriend is very type A. He likes the idea of having someone that every man wants. It’s very flattering and appealing to be with a guy who thinks you are so hot that every man wants you and he tells you that often. I assume Raye is young? I can’t tell but I’m in my late 50s. I have never had an issue attracting men but I am concerned with what will happen as I age. He’s in his 60s so I’m hoping his desires will diminish in this area but it is a concern. I haven’t seen any articles addressing that issue. The other issue is the other men. I have mainly been with ex boyfriends but even with them I feel the need to be honest with what I’m doing and most have wanted no part of it. They think it’s sick. But I’m older. My understanding is that younger people are more open. But I could be wrong. There are just a lot of dynamics Raye needs to consider.

  4. 4
    EM

    I recommend the section on cuckoldry in the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts. It gives an evolutionary explanation for this surprisingly common fetish. Maybe it will help you make a decision regarding your boyfriend’s request.

  5. 5
    Bbq

    Ugh gross, I can’t imagine a greater turn off than this.
    If she doesn’t want to do this no one should be advising her to do anything but dump the guy, not to be open to the idea or anything like that. It will only end badly. No woman could be attracted to a man who does this.

    I can’t help but think there is something srsly wrong with men who want to play this out in real life, it’s a little more than handcuffing your lover isn’t it?
    Weird, I’m assuming they like to be humiliated, but in the quest to get off to their weird fetish there actually humiliating the women they push into this.
    How could any man or woman live like this?

    1. 5.1
      AdaGrace

      “No woman could be attracted to a man who does this”

      incorrect – I briefly dated the mail half of a poly couple. They had very few rules – I believe the only one on related to safer sex practices was that his wife needed to know the details (which turned her on). I was fine with that; she’s a skillful coversationalist and would cook an awesome dinner whenever I was over there. (I still know them socially; they’re on the verge of celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary, I beleve.) Not my fetish, but it worked/works for them.

      1. 5.1.1
        Bbq

        Still weird but not really what was described here. In this situation the man gets off on the thought of other men either being “more man” than he is and his wife choosing them over him, or just his wife not being able to stop having sex with other people. This isn’t an open marriage where both partners agree to sleep with other people for their own satisfaction (which still isn’t for me but different strokes), this is a much more specific fetish.

      2. 5.1.2
        AdaGrace

        mail -> male … ah, the joys of voice recognition 🙂

        And, I did want to mention that I agree, it’s not a failing on your part if you decide not to do something you’re uncomfortable with! Just because somebody else might appreciate a hall pass doesn’t mean you should…

        Also: One thing I’ve seen happen with couples who practice some form of ethical non-monogamy is that even if they make rules against developing feelings for folks outside the relationship, you really can’t legislate feelings out of existence… which can complicate the original relationship a great deal, I have no idea of the actual numbers, but it’s my impression that this happens more often when at least one member of the original couple isn’t particularly enthusiastic about non-monogamy in the first place.

        1. Emily, to

          “Also: One thing I’ve seen happen with couples who practice some form of ethical non-monogamy is that even if they make rules against developing feelings for folks outside the relationship, you really can’t legislate feelings out of existence…”
          My guess is that, if there’s an open marriage, it’s the wife developing feelings for her male lovers that happens more frequently than the other way around.

        2. AdaGrace

          About even by gender from what I’ve seen, but even a whole bunch of anecdotes from the same person (i.e. inherently biased by who that person knows and what they read) still don’t add up to “data”.

      3. 5.1.3
        sylvana

        AdaGrace,

        I’m one of those women, and I agree. I’m actually fine with either partner having sex with others. There are lots of exciting aspects to it.

        I actually have a bigger problem with monogamy where both or just one partner is constantly fantasizing about having sex with others. That, to me, seems like cheating.

    2. 5.2
      sylvana

      Bbq,

      how can they live like this? Easily. It’s a sexual fetish. Nothing gross about it. And for some of us, there’s not much difference between having sex with your partner while fantasizing about him/her being someone else, or actually having sex with someone else. Either way, in your mind, your having sex with someone else. What the body does is not that relevant.

      Cuckolding, cuckqueening, etc. are mostly about the mind and the various excitements it offers. As long as both partners are into it, there’s nothing wrong with it.

      1. 5.2.1
        Yet Another Guy

        @sylvana

        You can add to the list of men who believes that this behavior more than little odd. It is so far from instinctive male behavior that it makes one wonder if a man has psychological issues of some kind. Wanting to be a cuckold is not the same as having an open relationship, not remotely so. It is about a man taking joy in being submissive to a another man. That is unbelievably messed up.

        1. SparklingEmerald

          This behavior to me, seems more like the man is manipulating and controlling a woman. He is basically pimping her out to his friends. Blech !

        2. Yet Another Guy

          @SE

          If it is about control, then he does not love her. No sane man who actually loves his woman would want to pimp her out. I would absolutely distance myself from any man who did this to his woman. That dude is not worthy of my presence or that of any other self-respecting man.

        3. ezamuzed

          I agree with YAG, this goes against all biology. I suspect men who enjoy this fetish have a self esteem that is so low so broken that they want this to justify that low self esteem.

        4. SparklingEmerald

          I agree that he doesn’t love her if he is pimping her out to his friends. Pills sweet talk their “employees” in order to manipulate. I think his promise to marry her is just a ploy to control. OP, please dump this guy. And work on your self esteem. You say you love him and want to please him. Find a man who wouldn’t ask you to do such a thing.

        5. SparklingEmerald

          “Pills sweet talk their “employees” in order to manipulate.” s/b PIMPS sweet talk . . .

        6. sylvana

          YAG,

          some cuckolds are submissive. Not all of them, though. We simply don’t have a different term for those who aren’t (yet).

          There are plenty of men and women with this fetish who don’t feel any humiliation or degrading aspects with it. They simply find it hot. The only difference between them and an open relationship is that they want to hear about it, and often even want to watch. Because it’s hot.

          You’re right, though, that the original cuckold/cuckquean was the submissive, usually with a fetish for humiliation. Nowadays, all the ones who just find it hot are usually categorized as such as well, since we lack a different term for it. They also somewhat fall into the swingers or open relationship category, except that those generally simply don’t care about who their partner has sex with. Which isn’t true for these people.

          There are, however, cuckolds who pride themselves in being better than the other men she has sex with. Then there are straight up Doms who order their subs to service other men or allow other men to use them. What would you call that? Technically, they fall under both the cuckold and the swinger category as well, since the concept is the same.

  6. 6
    Bbq

    Yeah I’m 28 and this would definitely be seen as sick and to be laughed at by the vaaast majority of men my age too.

  7. 7
    AdaGrace

    @bbq The original poster said her husband wants to hear about it afterward when they’re having sex (as a turn-on) and that it was supposed to be “just sex” with the other folks – but the example she gave involved guys they know in seemingly persistent way rather than random strangers.

    My ex volunteered that it was a turnon for his wife to hear the gory details, though not the precise reason that this turned her on; it was enough for me to know I was doing no harm by being there). He also told me that she’d be thrilled to watch if that was ok with me; I was not, but her not watching was fine with both as well. I recall briefly wondering whether she had a cuckolding fetish (since at the time I’d only heard of that being a cismale thin, but the answer wouldn’t have affected my choices one way or the other so I didn’t ask.

    1. 7.1
      sylvana

      AdaGrace,

      it’ is the same fetish, only in women. It’s called cuckquean :). Not as common as cuckold, but it does exist.

      1. 7.1.1
        AdaGrace

        Ah, I felt fairly sure I’d seen ta name for this since then, but couldn’t remember what it was. Too long since I last logged into Fetlife, perhaps. Thank you!

  8. 8
    sylvana

    Hallelujah! You hit the jackpot 🙂 I’m having a moment of serious envy here.

    On a serious note, do whatever you’re comfortable with. Sexual compatibility is an absolute must in a relationship. If you’re not compatible, end the relationship, otherwise, one of you will always feel unfulfilled.

    1. 8.1
      AdaGrace

      in fact it wasn’t incredibly satisfying sex; experience doesn’t always lead to expertise. I did enjoy their warmth and hospitality a great deal, though, and appreciate having known them closely for a time.

  9. 9
    Noquay

    One word: Ewwwwwwwws!!!!!!!

  10. 10
    sylvana

    AdaGrace,

    oh, I can imagine. Experience definitely doesn’t necessarily make for great sex. The comment was my reply to the actual LW, not a direct response to your comment 🙂 .

  11. 11
    Galilee

    I know the religion of the day is ‘consent’- the notion that anything agreed upon is of equal moral value, but there has to be a line somewhere. I personally find it difficult to believe a psychologically healthy man would want this.

  12. 12
    Carlson

    I had someone I was dating try to talk me into this, and the things that kept me on the fence and then ultimately to give up on the guy altogether were:

    There is no way I could believe that my boyfriend/husband loved me if he encouraged me to actually do this.

    This behavior puts your hard-won relationship in CRAZY DANGER of breaking up forever.

    A. Because I would have insurmountable doubt that what he felt about me was love as I know it.

    B. Because if someone would push for this they have zero concern about the relationship ending.

    C. Why would someone claiming to be in love with me put our relationship in this kind of danger?

    D. Because he has no idea what love is, that’s how. Lah dee dah, time to find a new woman again – is not love.

    And then they lose you and oh! the gnashing of teeth, the tears, the pain – the pain!
    When will people talk about the problem so many men in particular have, having the feeling of loss and love mixed up? They can’t love you until you leave, and then boy, do they think they love you, but they don’t.

    And they don’t have a clue that love is the feeling of wanting to be your absolute best for someone, because they are uniquely lovable to you, and helping them achieve happiness makes you happy, and you commit to working together at life.

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