My Boyfriend Is Not As Interested In Me As He Was In The First Few Months.

woman getting annoyed by boyfriend talking on the phone
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I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 7 months that I’ve been acquainted with for years. In the beginning I was not interested at all and actually held a 6 year long grudge against him. He worked VERY hard for 2 months to get a first date with me and another month to convince me to only date him.

I’m 36 and he is 42. I’m divorced, no kids. He’s never been married, no kids.

He progressed the relationship very quickly, in the beginning he was very complimentary and told me all the time how much I meant to him. He started talking marriage 3 months in and asked me to move in 2 months ago. We are not engaged but I’m aware that he has a ring.

Overall, he’s still attentive to me. Makes me coffee and meals, starts my car in the morning, fixes my car, jumps at the chance to make sure I have what I need and helps with and supports my hobbies. He’s also still pretty affectionate and will grab my hand and rub my back and give me hugs often.

However, since I’ve moved in, he has stopped complimenting me. He’s stopped telling me how much I mean to him. He shuts down or laughs when I ask any type of question that is deeper than how’s your day going? Im a sexual person and could have it daily, which is how we started out. But now since moving in, I’m the one who ALWAYS initiates sex and if I don’t, we will go a week or more without it. And half the times I do initiate it, it’s just me taking care of him orally with no effort on his part to take it further which I don’t mind but it’s starting to wear on me that he never seems to be the one interested…..he is also absolutely uncomfortable with talking about anything that has to do with sex.

I have a great job I love, an active social life outside of him, I am healthy and stay active running, mountain biking, hiking, skiing etc – Which keeps me skinny but admittedly I’m soft and always add a few pounds in the winter time.

Overall I have a healthy level of self-esteem and I feel like I let him be him…. but I admit I have some very insecure days too, I can be a bit emotional during pms, and I have had a very jealous moment with only one of the girls he texts. (He was hiding his texts to her)

Should I be concerned that we don’t have deeper conversations, he’s stopped being vocal with his feelings, and/or his lack of sexual desire?

Is there more I can do?

Or do I have it good enough?

Thank you for your time!

-Erin

This is the kind of question I get in Love U all the time and I’m glad to address it here.

From your perspective, it’s confusing.

From a reader’s perspective, it’s as clear as day.

Let’s start with a few Love U principles:

  • You’re only as needy as your unmet needs.
  • You need to feel safe, heard and understood with your partner.
  • Good relationships are easy. If they’re not easy, they’re not that good. 
  • Your boyfriend isn’t the last man on Earth.
  • Sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, but without sex, your relationship will be miserable. 

That should clarify everything for you, Erin.

The first six years are irrelevant (albeit unusual).

The two months of courtship is what he had to do to win you over.

Then he love bombed you and started talking marriage WAY too soon – presumably to lock you in.

Now, he feels like he has you and he’s letting the REAL man out. 

This is it. This is him.

It’s not the guy you saw in the first few months. This is it. This is him. This is what you can expect the rest of your life to look like.

Any woman who clings to a relationship in hopes that it returns to the bliss of the first three months is at high risk for a lifetime of disappointment.

Exercise: look at your relationship NOW. 

If you’re happy with it, stay.

If you’re unhappy with it, go.

Congratulations. You’ve just gotten $20,000 of relationship advice for free.

This advice is based on reality, not on fantasy. 

The fantasy is that he’ll revert to the best behavior it took to win you over.

The reality is that, for whatever reason, he’s not a good communicator, has a low libido, is not attracted to you, and wants to lock you in as a wife before you REALIZE this and LEAVE.

So save him the trouble. 

Get out and find a man who wants to have sex with you. God knows, there are thousands of ‘em. 

All it takes is one to make the search worth your while.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Stacia

    This really resonated with me. I’ve had several boyfriends like this. They’re great at the surface parts of a relationship–planning dates, dressing well, keeping in touch through the day, remembering birthdays, taking out the trash, etc. But when you want something deeper from them– emotional intimacy, real support and understanding, unconditional love, partnership–they don’t know how (or want) to “do” that part. Basically, they’re good at dating but terrible at relationships. I wish it was easier to spot in the early stages. I understand and appreciate that the initial stages of dating settle into something less flashy and more comfortable as time goes on, but I’m getting exhausted of the flash wearing off into someone who takes, but can’t give.

    1. 1.1
      Bbq

      Stacia

      What exactly do you mean by keeping in touch through the day? Do you mean when your apart?

      1. 1.1.1
        Stacia

        Yes, like a nice text when you have a break at work just to say hi and see how the day is going, or to make dinner plans for the evening, for example.

        1. Bbq

          Literally nearly every day? Multiple times a day?

        2. Stacia

          Maybe others prefer a different amount of contact, but I like to keep in touch with my man through the day. I like hearing about what’s going on with him and being able to share noteworthy moments of my day, or give him a compliment or some encouragement if things aren’t going well.

        3. Bbq

          Fair enough, for me that would be waaay too much. Even once a day as an expectation would feel intrusive.

          Honestly aside from controlling guys checking up on their women I’ve never seen any couple keep this level of contact throughout the day. Out of curiosity, do many guys have a problem with this or think of it as controlling? (Not saying that’s the intent at all just wondering if that’s a response).

        4. mr_b

          Most successful men work jobs that require focus. It’s unrealistic to expect someone to text several times a day when it can take 2 hours to get all the components you are working with in mind.

          If you want someone that can text all day date someone in sales or retail.

        5. Stacia]

          Bbq,

          I find the opposite–most of my friends have running conversations with their husbands/boyfriends while at work. If you refer to my first post, I don’t expect this–I just think it’s nice, and all of my past boyfriends, even those with demanding jobs, have checked in here and there to say hi without me having to ask.

          mr_b, thank you for your advice. It’s always good to hear other perspectives.

        6. Bbq

          Stacia

          That’s cool, I’m not judging it one way or another, if they’re both happy with it then great. For me even that much texting and checking in on average during a weekend or time when I’m not working would be too much.
          When it’s happening that much I’d see it as an interruption, honestly thought a lot of men would feel the same, not saying that’s right or wrong.

          I can’t stand the running conversation thing some women enjoy – just takes me out of whatever I’m doing at the time and breaks my train of thought. Or I can’t think because I think it will be interrupted any time. That’s any time, work or leisure. But that’s me.

        7. Henry

          I’m not a phone person. I don’t like taking on the phone, and I don’t like texting either. I only use a phone if I really have to, and It’s great when the women I date don’t want to be in contact on a daily basis, including girlfriends.

          It gives us time to really miss each other and to have our own space. This whole ”we must talk everyday” feels more like a marriage than a romantic relationship to me(nothing wrong with daily communication. If the person are sharing a house, finances, and a child).

    2. 1.2
      Paula

      This is unfortunately just part of the drill of dating. It’s why Evan says to ignore the positive and heed the negative in the early days. I believe that after 3-4 weeks of dating a guy either will or won’t start leading the way toward a relationship. If he’s not leading we women can’t jump in and do the job for him; we need to cut him loose and move on.

      1. 1.2.1
        Stacia

        Paula, I completely agree with you. That advice is so helpful. My comment was more directed towards the men that DO those things–they call, make plans, ask for exclusivity, and talk of a future. After several months go by, though, you start to notice that the earlier effort is gone, and you have to make a decision of whether to stay or go. In the case of my last relationships, I talked to him several times about how I was feeling and what I was noticing. I was met with, of course I love you, nothing has changed, I’m just really busy with ____________. So you have to decide if you want to stay and support him, which is generally what a loving partner would do, or if you want to take a breath and walk away. It’s not an easy decision.

        1. Paula

          Though isn’t it an easy call to make whether or not your needs are being met? I agree with Evan’s perspective that we have a choice on whether or not to accept certain behaviors in our partners. He’d also say that sticking around in a subpar relationship is often because we have a scarcity mindset that one guy is the only chance we have at love, or a belief that one guy is our soulmate, etc. When we can’t or won’t let go it’s also often because there’s a very intense level of chemistry at play that feels too good to walk away from.

        2. Stacia

          I have come back to this piece of advice many times over the last few months. Again, totally agree with you on paper, but in practice, it’s not always an easy call. It’s not because I think my boyfriend was the last man alive or that I can’t do better. We really cared about each other, and although we had reached an impasse, neither of us wanted things to end. It’s hard (for me, anyway) to walk away in that case.

  2. 2
    Michelle

    Agree with Evan, it takes a good 4-6 months of dating before you see what you are really dealing with. Everyone is on best behavior. Then when that time period has passed, watch and observe, that is the person you will be married to….and they are not going to change. People rarely change, and when they do, it takes years and usually because of some traumatic event that forced them to. Better to go through this stage BEFORE making any bigger commitments like moving in or marriage where it’s more painful to get out if it’s not working.

    I think you need to cut your losses and go, and not listen to any promises of change, etc. He’s just going to try and keep you there.

  3. 3
    Lisa

    When I was single and dating I had this happen to me once and it was honestly so unexpected. I think that there is a segment of men out there that are all about the chase. Often they are 42 and never have been married for that reason. They have a need to conquer and once they do, they lose interest in you. I had one gentlemen who I was not interested in at all when we first met. But he worked hard, for three months to get me, harder than I had ever seen a man work in all of my 35 years and as soon as I gave in and decided I wanted to date within a month he dumped me, out of the blue, said he realized that we were not compatible. I think the fact that you made him work for it, even more so leads me to believe he only wanted you because he could not have you. There are also men who purposely pretend to be someone else to get a mate as EMK notes and then you see who they really are after that. I know as women sometimes we seek the answers, we want to know why and we want to try to fix it. But we sometimes do not know the why, we will never know the why. Whatever the case is it’s time to move on. You have seen a glimpse into your future and it’s not a future you like. The sex will only dwindle more and more as time goes on.

    1. 3.1
      Emily, to

      Lisa,
      ” I had one gentlemen who I was not interested in at all when we first met. But he worked hard, for three months to get me, harder than I had ever seen a man work in all of my 35 years and as soon as I gave in and decided I wanted to date within a month he dumped me ..”
      Well, there’s your answer. Stay away from guys who keep asking over and over again. Most people hear no once, accept it (though it may be difficult) and move on. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you keep trying to pursue a guy who’d turned you down? Someone who’s repeatedly trying to win you over like you’re a project: big red flag.

  4. 4
    Henry

    I dunno about that, Emily. It’s a big red flag that a guy asks a woman out and when he’s rejected, he still keeps asking her out because he sees her as a project?

    Why is being very interested in someone seen as something bad?

    My grandfather asked my grandmother out more than 50 times. Took him 3 years to get her to agree to a date, he kept going at it. Other women who were as physically attractive as my grandma, some even more, wanted to date him, but he only had eyes for her.

    Until she said yes, he kept asking her out. A month after she said yes to a date, they got married, and stayed happily married to each other for 70 years.

    On the other hand, my grandparents grandson, me, I don’t ask women out. I wait for them to approach me and to ask me out and to initiate everything, basically. Sometimes they approach me, sometimes they expect me to approach them instead(which I don’t) and sometimes they just don’t approach me because they lack interest in me.

    I feel like dating has drastically changed in the last 50 years, but there are some men out there who are still persistent and will continue to ask a woman out after she has said no to the date.

    Sure, that lady over there has had men lose interest in them as soon as she was up to a date with the guy, but that doesn’t mean all guys are the same.

    Back in college, right on the very first day, I come across this young woman that took my breath away, and I guess she didn’t think I was a bad-looking fella since she was giving me the green light to approach her every time we crossed paths.

    I never did. It took her 4 years to gather the courage to approach me, strike a conversation, and ask me out. On the meantime I was dating other women who had had the self-confidence and the high self-esteem to approach me, and when that woman, the woman whom I had a huge crush for finally approached me – I said yes to the date.

    See, if more and more women take command and go after what they want, chances are they will be quite happy with their romantic lives, instead of following archaic societal expectations that still hold on to the silly idea that it’s a ”man’s job to take initiative” and that, ” I smiled at him and touched my hair, see I made the first move.”

    1. 4.1
      Emily, to

      Henry,
      “he still keeps asking her out because he sees her as a project?”
      Why would anybody want to be seen as a project? Why would you want to spend time with someone who you had to convince to go out with you?
      “Why is being very interested in someone seen as something bad?”
      It’s not being interested that is bad. It’s the asking repeatedly. It’s irritating to the person being asked (it shows the other person doesn’t respect boundaries) and it makes the one asking look like he/she has no self-respect. Now, if the one who was asked changes his/her mind a month later, then it is ON THEM to do the asking.
      “On the meantime I was dating other women who had had the self-confidence and the high self-esteem to approach me, and when that woman, the woman whom I had a huge crush for finally approached me – I said yes to the date.”
      It has nothing to do with self-confidence. I have asked men out but I have found — and this is only my personal experience — that the guys who expected me to do all the work expected it everywhere. They were too passive, and that includes sexually. It wasn’t my thing.

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