My Wealthy Boyfriend Does Not Buy Me Gifts. Should I Be Hurt?

disappointed woman

My question is that I have been seeing a guy long distance for 7 months. He seems to be really crazy about me, visits every couple of weeks and we talk on the phone nearly every day. He is going through a very public “yucky” divorce and is quite wealthy. However, he is VERY cheap with me and pretty self-absorbed. He does pay for all of our dates, but he didn’t get me a Hanukah gift (or any other gifts!). We are both Jewish and Hanukah is a big deal…and I got him very nice gifts. I know I have high expectations regarding men and this kind of issue…but I’m having a very hard time with this man who in so many ways I’m so happy with. He does so many self-indulgent things for himself (including a spa on his own for a week that cost $6,000, gets regular massages, drives an expensive car, has elaborate parties for his daughters’ birthdays, etc.) and while I’m appreciative that he comes to visit me (which involves a 1hr flight) and we go on lovely dates, I’m really hurt….what should I do? Thank you…I LOVE reading your advice.


I love your question, precisely because it defies any obvious answer.

You’ve already acknowledged that you have “high expectations regarding men and money.” This is useful and somewhat self-aware. However, your admission calls into question your ability to be objective. How can I know if your boyfriend IS very cheap or if you merely PERCEIVE him as very cheap because you’ve raised the bar so impossibly high that any man is doomed to fail you?

How he feels about you is reflected in how often he calls you, how often he sees you, whether he’s willing to commit to you, whether he accepts you as you are without trying to change you… THAT’s love.

I can’t answer that question for you. But if you have a perpetual issue with how much men are spending on you, it would probably seem to me that this is more about you than it is about them.

This doesn’t render your boyfriend blameless. The only reason I’m focusing on you is because you are the one who wrote me the email and you are the only one who can change your own behavior.

So let’s take a second to do a few things to reframe this discussion:

  1. You equate how much he spends on you with how much he loves you. This is a fallacy — and a self-imposed one at that. Once again, I’m not defending him if he is, in fact, cheap. What I’m saying is that how he feels about you is reflected in how often he calls you, how often he sees you, whether he’s willing to commit to you, whether he accepts you as you are without trying to change you… THAT’s love. Not expensive Hanukah gifts.
  2. You wrote that Hanukah is a big deal. Are you speaking for yourself or are you speaking for him? In my Jewish household, Hanukah is not a big deal at all. It’s always a big relationship mistake to assume that what’s important to you is equally important to him (and vice versa). Since this was your first Hanukah together, perhaps you can have an even-tempered discussion at some point next year where you talk about how this is your favorite holiday and you tend to go over the top with gifts. He will either take the hint and follow your lead, or he will tell you that he’s not a really big “gifts” guy and that you shouldn’t go overboard buying things for him or expect him to do the same for you.
  3. You’re conveniently avoiding the ways in which he IS generous to focus on the ways he’s not. He flies to visit you every few weeks and he picks up all of the costs. That seems pretty generous to me. Factor in that you’re his seven-month long-distance girlfriend, not his wife, AND he’s going through an expensive divorce, and, well, what entitles you to decide how he spends his hard-earned money?

If you don’t like the way your boyfriend spends his money, find a new boyfriend.

I don’t know if you got him a $1000 set of golf clubs and if he got you a hand-vacuum from Bed, Bath and Beyond, but unless that’s the case, I would refrain from making a big stink about how much money he spent on your gifts. I’m not saying that you have to be with a “VERY cheap” guy, but if you want a snowball’s chance in hell at being his wife, you’re not gonna get there by complaining about his Hanukah gifts. In fact, since he’s going through a divorce, I’d think the LAST thing he’d want is someone who might be perceived as an entitled gold digger and that any “cheap” jabs will quickly trigger his break-up reflex.

Long story short: if you don’t like the way your boyfriend spends his money, find a new boyfriend. Don’t complain that he’s not giving you enough. THIS is how he chooses to give.

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  1. 1

    Hmmm…a few things that are missing from this letter.   OP, you mentioned that he has never bought you any gifts.   Do you mean expensive, substantial gifts or any gifts at all (flowers, chocolates, trinkets that made him think of you)?   
    If it is the former, please, please don’t get hung up on that.   If your man makes you happy otherwise, it is silly to make yourself unhappy over something so small.   Admittedly, I have very low expectations when it comes to gift giving so perhaps I’m incapable of understanding but why would you put gifts above the time that he spends with you?   While I agree that it would be nice if he spoiled you with something nice every once in a while, that is not a measure of his love.   
    On the other hand, if it is the latter and in 7 months he has never given you anything, I’m not sure what to say.   Maybe he is not the gift giving kind or maybe he’s being very careful given his circumstances.   Either way, I don’t know if there is a way to bring this up without seeming grabby, especially given the delicate situation.   I’m generalizing here but divorces don’t go well for wealthy men and if he’s a bit jaded, I don’t blame him.   If you do decide to bring it up, the focus of the talk should be the gesture (of gift giving) vs. the cost.
    Another thing struck me while reading your letter, OP.   You’re talking about his money as if you have some right to it, however miniscule.   That is not the best attitude to take when trying to keep a man, especially one going through a divorce.   Maybe you didn’t mean it that way because you did say that you bought him something nice for Hanukah.   Maybe you’re only sad at the lack of reciprocation.   However, the way you phrased the last part of your letter (talking about what he spends with the insinuation that he can definitely afford to spend on you), gave me the heebie jeebies.   Don’t make that the focus.   Only give gifts you can afford with no expectation of anything in return.
    To be completely honest, from the scant details I cannot be sure whether the OP has expectations that are too high and is being a bit “gold diggery” without realizing it or whether the boyfriend is really being cheap with her.   Somehow, I’m inclined to think that it is her, not him.   Either way, it’s his right to spend as little as he wants and a conversation about it could go either way.   It may send him running for the hills.   As long as the only thing he is being “cheap” about is gift giving, I don’t see the big deal.

  2. 2

    Have you read the Five languages of love? A persons love language is the way they show love and expect it to be shown to them. Gift giving is one of those languages and it sounds like this is Yvonne’s language.  

    1. 2.1

      If it is her love language then she really does need physical tokens to feel loved. My niece’s love language is gifts. They don’t have to be big, expensive or even cost anything but she does need gifts to feel loved. I personally don’t care about gifts. If, however, a man doesn’t spend time with me and give me some undivided attention sometimes then I don’t feel loved.

    2. 2.2

      Yes, I totally agree. The reply to this letter is too harsh, felt more like it was defending the man’s part and doesn’t validate or give a reason to why the female is feeling this way.

      Read the book on 5 languages of love.

      Gift giving is a love language. Gift giving does not equate to materialism. It does not depend on the price behind it. It’s the thought to please and blesd and the art of giving.

  3. 3

    Sometimes wealthy men deliberately DON’T spend significant money on a woman, because they want to be sure she really is interested in him, not his wallet.   It’s not cheap, it’s smart.

    1. 3.1

      I agree with Chris! If he’s a business man it overlaps into his relationships. He might still be testing her, this may go on for a long time since, im assuming, it might take him a while to rebuild trust after a divorce. I’ve known wealthy men who drive a regular car for the first few dates to water down their wealthy image, and if they like their date they slowly show their wealth   . It IS smart.

    2. 3.2

      Then in all fairness she should deliberately NOT be intimate and withhold sex to make sure he is interested in her, the person, and not just her body to get his physical needs met for the evening.

      1. 3.2.1

        Totally agree, unless she is a sex digger as much as he might be.

      2. 3.2.2

        is she a prostitute?    That is messed up and I would never date anyone that thought that way.   I have money and very generous but as soon as you feel enititled it dries up.   Is she doing things for him?    Sex should be fun for both parties.   If you think withholding sex is the same then maybe you are a lesbian and don’t like sex yourself.

        1. Christina

          What Tracey is saying is that gift-giving is comparable to sex. It should be enjoyed by both parties if they both truly love or care about each other. This was  a response to the previous comment that a man  may withhold gifts because he wants to make sure a woman is interested in him, not his money, when that would be the same as a woman withholding sex to ensure a man isn’t only interested in her body. If that doesn’t make sense, then neither does a man withholding gifts. It isn’t fair to only see it one way.

        2. Rose

          This is not quite true. While having regular, “entitled ” sex is more often the primary reason why a man would want a relationship,   for many women it’s felling secured and appriciated. So, while both enjoy sex, for many women it’s not the primary reason to be in a relationship.

      3. 3.2.3

        I entirely disagree. Sex is enjoyed by both parties, if it was something only enjoyed by men, then it makes sence, but it is not, women need to be sexually satisfied as well.

    3. 3.3

      it’s pathetic

    4. 3.4

      No it’s not greedy and yea I would expect gifts. I was dating a really wealthy guy all for personality and we had been talking for months I never asked a thing of him. He took me to an arts festival (me I’m a waitress and in school) him however already started a successful business. I saw a pair of earrings for $150 I died for when I saw them. I was ecstatic when I saw them and told him I was in love I asked him if he thought they would look pretty on me. He said yes I think they would look great. (He has three cars or more and a house he owns I am still in my own apartment). I said well I think I’m going to take sometime to think about getting them and come back tomorrow. Next day I went back they were still there he watched me get them with my own money as I was hoping he would help. I bomenuo with him. Ladies it’s hard and fine line hutnitnIS A MANS JOB to provide for his woman! Men that think other wise are just men that hate being a man when it comes down to it and are down right selfish. I have financially support my man before we don’t give them reason to think they are just for money. The serious thing that happens though is that there IS a difference in women and men’s financial standing on average. It cost 3 times more just to BE a woman! You BEST believe if your with a WEALTHY man. Especially in my situation KICK HIM TO THE CURB FAST. Because that even grossed me out. It’s   like saying it’s a woman’s job to be loving and nurturing sometimes we want to be assholes and we do have masculine sides. We do things for the better of our relationships because all relationships are a sacrifice! Why should we if our men can’t   ? If he is really wealthy and you want him to drop high end brand purses at your door that’s not going to happen… ever ! And realistically he shouldn’t do that because that’s a sign of insecurity. But see what happens if you go out and mention something you like that’s simple and you genuinely love. If he shocks you the way mine did that tells some things about his deeper character. Listen no matter what find a way to talk with him about it because if your married that also means he committed already in some sense. But don’t listen to men’s point of view on this honey it IS a mans job to provide and the only ones that complain about it are cowards that can Dick beat their ways to their death bed as far as I am concerned.  

  4. 4
    Karmic Equation

    My ex-husband had an odd relationship with money. He wasn’t cheap per se. He believed in value. He didn’t mind spending $1500 on a sofa, but the sofa had to be from the “discount” section of Jordan’s and it didn’t matter to him if the furniture looked dated. The important part was that he got it “on sale” [rolls eyes]. He had issues when I bought a hard cover book (it wasn’t available in paperback) for $25. When we separated, even though he had $20k in the bank, he felt it was ok for him to go eat and get non-perishables at the local homeless pantry. He was living in our 3000 sq.ft., 5-bedroom house with roommates, so he was FAR from homeless. Was he cheap? Or was he just strange?
    I’m dating a man now who owns a one-man small business. He works 6-days a week to keep it afloat. All the money he makes goes into paying for the maintenance of his small business such as rent, his own living expenses, and groceries (he eats healthy and organic, which means expensive). He shops on eBay. Chastises me on paying full dept-store price. Knows how to use rainchecks at supermarkets to his advantage. Yet he’s given me a nice jacket for Xmas and another nice one for no reason. The 2nd jacket he had bought for himself, but it didn’t fit him but it did me, so instead of returning it he gave it to me. I offered to pay for it since I thought it was stylish and liked it very much, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He shoveled out my driveway and walkways after a blizzard. He cooks me lunch and dinner frequently (because I don’t cook). His actions about money, gifts, quality time, and service are consistent with four of the 5 languages of love. His words of affirmation could improve, but I’m not going to focus on that when he is so consistent in the other love languages.
    I would suggest OP focus on the positives. Only ponder the negatives if they are dealbreakers. And if his cheapness is a dealbreaker, she needs to ask herself whether it’s a dealbreaker in light of his positive qualities. No one man will have all the qualities we’re looking for so she really needs to evaluate her needs against the tradeoffs. His perceived cheapness should not be the ONLY factor in her decision.

  5. 5

    I love this topic. I think it’s really important to be clear about one’s expectations. I’ve heard so many times that there are different “love” languages and that some men just don’t give gifts. When it comes to the guy from the letter I think he might be a decent person, he’s paying for dates etc, and well, it’s good to have realistic expectations. Maybe he will give a gift with time, but from what it’s written I assume he’s a good man who is into her.
    However, I encountered men who deliberately do not want to give a gift or for instance don’t want to pay for a date. I think that there should be a balance and women should not treat their man as a sugar daddy, but when a man is really reluctant to pay for anything and many times the girl is left with paying it’s also bad! I was in such a situation a few times and I felt disrespected! But I was blinded and I believed in stupid excuses. And my situation got to such a point where I borrowed a significant sum of money to the man who thought I was all about money. It was a contradiction in itself. Basically it was good when I was paying because he did not have cash on him, but when I sometimes raised the issue I was a materialistic girl.

  6. 6

    Agree just because he’s well off doesn’t mean he should shower his girlfriend with gifts. He may not be a gift-giving type of person. Not cheap, just doesn’t think about it.
    I am curious though as to what his reaction was upon receiving several nice gifts from the OP for Hanukah and giving her nothing.   Some people don’t exchange gifts on religious holidays and if he is one of those wouldn’t he have said something before the holiday?   It seems odd to me that two people could be dating for 6 mos. or so and not expect to exchange of gifts or have a discussion about why they don’t .  

  7. 7

    Was going to post similar to Chelle … perhaps the OP and her man have different love languages.   It could be beneficial to take the “5 Love Language Test” and read the book by Gary Chapman.   Especially if they took it together.   The OP’s love language (or secondary language) may be gifts; whereas his might be quality time/words of affirmation.   And because we tend to love others with our OWN language — hence the OP buying great gifts for him — the BF is probably speaking to her in his language.   It can be eye-opening for both parties, and maybe if the BF knew that was her language, he’d start speaking it.   The OP could approach this from the perspective of loving HIM as he would like … and request that he take the test; hopefully he’ll likewise want to know hers.
    If hers IS gifts, it is understandable how she would question his love for her.

  8. 8

    If a guy has that much wealth, then he should have plenty  of female suitors much more local to where he lives.   In fact, I am sure he can many, many women from which to choose locally.  Yet he is with someone who lives an hour away by plane.  Not an hour away by car. By plane. That doesn’t raise a red flag to you OP?

  9. 9

    I’d be more concerned that he’s still married and it’s long distance.     

  10. 10

    A question the OP should be asking is this: is this man a giver or a taker? When you are married, it will come down to that… He is either going to look out for número uno (himself), and what’s good for him (massages, gifts to kids, stuff that makes HIM feel good), or he is going to think and do what’s good for you. In daily life, is he thoughtful – does he make small   meaningful gifts that shows he thinks of you? Or, did he pick up a box of chocolates at the airport because that’s when he realized he is coming to see you empty-handed? My experience with having been married to a classic “taker” has taught me one thing: it doesn’t matter if a guy may have a million or a thousand; and he either spends it on himself or would want to share it with you.   A break-thru moment for me? It’s when my now-boyfriend called me from a grocery store telling me he is running late, because that grocery store didn’t have my favorite brand of bread, and  he wanted to go to ANOTHER grocery (10 min away, driving in traffic) store to get it for me. So, forget fantasizing about his millions and observe if he is a giver – which will pretty much determine how much you’ll enjoy being his wife, millions or not.

    1. 10.1
      Girl in the Midwest

      This is my favorite comment.   It seems like he puts your happiness before his own interests.   You are very lucky to have your boyfriend! 🙂

  11. 11

    Two words: high maintenance.

    1. 11.1

      If she’s acting like this in the romance stage just Two more words, dump her

  12. 12

    I wonder if OP would be interested in her BF if he wasn’t wealthy?   I had a wonderful first date with a lady and was very interested in seeing her again.   On the second date she told me she was disappointed because I didn’t bring a gift for her and all her other boyfriends had always “surprised” her with gifts.   I wonder if she was surprised that I never called her for a third date.   

    1. 12.1

      She probably wasn’t because it sounds like the two of you weren’t well matched. At least you both found out early.

    2. 12.2

      U will be more surprised to urself and will be ongoing process in ur life that u will be still looking for the one.

  13. 13

    I totally respect the OP for her preferences for men who gift.   It seems obvious to me that it’s not about how wealthy someone is, but how generous they are.   It’s useless to date a “wealthy” guy if he does not give you gifts, if that is what you value.
    Red flag here for me is, he’s getting divorced, lives far away and spends on himself liberally.   That tells me he’s…not that into you.   I have been dating some well-to-do men and when they are trying to “woo” someone they love buying small gifts and so forth.   You have already picked up on this, it sounds like it.   He’s essentially not trying to woo you.
    It sounds like you are entertainment to him, which is totally fine, but if you want   a man who will give you expensive gifts you have to be in that kind of a relationship it’s not a given that a man needs to shower you with gifts.   I think coming to visit and going on nice dates is plenty!
    It sounds like you have not made it clear to him that you want gifts and it’s not clear whether you care more about him or about what gifts he gives you. In any case you should talk to him, OR look for a more overt sugar-daddy type of a relationship where that is implicit.

    1. 13.1
      Thom's Ex

      I was with a very wealthy  for for 12 years.   He would go shopping everyday and would buy two to three pairs f shoes a day.   His cigar cost him 10,000 a year.   His shopping was 200,000 a year.   He bought me nothing.   Nothing for Xmas.   Nothing for my bdays.   He never bought me clothes r took me shopping.   We lived in a mansion but he refused to hire a cleaning lady.   He fired his gardener.   He made me do everything.   His ex wife watched me from the street  as I was gardening and I heard her say “all right, he is going to make you his maid the way he made me his maid”.   He said he loved me and I was the only woman he ever loved.   Giving me his love and affection was his gift to me as far as he was concerned.   I left him penniless.   Red flag.   A narcissist can only love himself.

      1. 13.1.1

        “I left him penniless.” and you are proud of it? I never understand how women can rob husband of money, its like they have any entitlement to it?? Should be ashamed in first place. Unless you earned it together its his money and he should never have to suffer from divorce with gold digger.
        I wonder if all the divorce judges are that dumb…

        and no, I’m not rich and didn’t suffer from gold digger

        1. twinkle

          Lol I don’t think that’s what she means by “I left him penniless”. She probably means she didn’t leave with any money or expensive gifts from him, or she left without any savings.

      2. 13.1.2

        You sound totally ungrateful and spoiled.

        He took care of you and kept you in a high class lifestyle where all you had to do all day is take care of him, yet you still left him. And penniless at that. You are exhibit A on why men need strong prenups.

        1. Sylvia

          and you sound like a cheap man. For some reason all of you want a beautiful well polished independent woman, who will make you a great breakfast and warm up your bed for just staying in your house and your cheap words of love that mean nothing. It doesn’t work like this, fortunately, so good luck on finding nice established woman who’ll dump you the moment she understands you’re just a taker, not a giver.

        2. Gc

          The man was a miser you should have left him earlier 12 years of relationship and no gift whiles he shower himself with gifts
          he is defiantly a self centered person

  14. 14

    A few things.   First, my mum has a saying, “Don’t marry for money you can borrow it cheaper.” She is a wise lady and her advice is always humorous but very true.
    As I am getting to know a certain guy, certain circumstances   (and NOT being a snoop) lead me to see his financial statements. He showed them to me (long story). Is  he a millionaire? No, but HE NEEDS to know that HIS MONEY “is acceptable” to me when in fact, he is just plain AMAZING but an old shrew messed with his head 🙂
    Back to the letter, this man is FLYING in to see her and TAKES HER OUT to dinner wherever they go when he is in town. I don’t remember the last time I flew but aren’t plane rides expensive? Even in coach? AND he is doing this once a month. AND he is paying for dinner. AND…she could offer to pay from time to time??? After all, he is making the trek…IN A PLANE!!! Vroom…And, he is not divorced yet.   I think she should see how she really feels about this guy (not his wallet). She could fly out to see him.
    So….what do gifts really mean?   True, true story. No lie. Even before my “certain guy” and I are where we are now, I was his Christmas Pollyanna at work three years ago. On my list I put all the things I liked: coffee, m&m’s, hot chocolate, and other stuff (can’t remember, doesn’t matter). I have pretty much concluded that  he had his friend pull my wish list. Do you know she delivered a coffee to my office on one of the gift exchange days? Coffee. And I LOVE COFFEE! I still think about that day and it was three years ago!!! Why? Because it was so….perfect!!!  
    My point? Gifts mean something. In that moment when I knew this man was this thoughtful, caring guy who took the time to be so kind was probably the moment he stole a giant piece of my heart.  It is possible this guy (in the letter) is not ready to go there with gifts and pushing him won’t help this lady’s situation….gifts should be given with good intention because they should be something special and not something obligatory 🙂

    1. 14.1

      Love this comment Sabine. Great advice from your mum and you! When gift-giving becomes a kind of capitalist exchange in relationships, the shackles of generations past start to flash like red flags for me. Women, whatever your standpoint on gender equality, we are not commodities! And therefore not buyable with gifts. If you believe you are, OP, you may attract a person who also sees you as such with all of the objectifying behaviour which accompanies such a view. Don’t get me wrong, gifts are beautiful but as Sabine correctly mentions,   ‘  they should be something special and not something obligatory  ‘.

    2. 14.2
      Thom's Ex

      He would fly in to see her so he could have sex.

      1. 14.2.1

        You don’t think a rich guy could get laid in his area code?

    3. 14.3

      It’s not the woman’s fault the man lives far away. Are you REALLY calling airfare a GIFT?? So instead of being living or cooking him dinner, should she remind him of the gas she used to drive to the grocery store?? WE

  15. 15

    I’m divided on the issue – he does pay for the dates and comes to see you.  
    There are also women out there who are very status conscious.   (And men, of course).   The problem is, I think, when you only exist because so and so has bought you a diamond ring (or whatever) and you feel his love only and uniquely because of this “expensive” gift.
    As many jewellers and florists will tell you, some gifts are given because they are expected and not because you necessarily want to.

  16. 16

    Yvonne, you should totally purchase the book The 5 Languages of Love, as other people mentioned. It sounds like you most likely feel loved through gifts. There is nothing inherently wrong with that as long as you have a partner that enjoys giving you gifts and understand what being given gifts really means to you. Which is hopefully more about showing how he cares vs just wanting gifts for the sake of gifts. I also enjoy being given gifts. They don’t have to be expensive things though. They could be something meaningful from the dollar store as long as it means something between us. Although, I am not adverse to diamonds either. 🙂  
    Long distance relationships are tough and from my own personal experience, when I did the long distance relationship thing with a man, it was because I was not totally committed to him. I liked the distance. It allowed me to keep my distance not only geographically, but emotionally too. For me, I was being a lazy dater. I had my needs for some male connection met and than I could go back to my “real” life.  
    It is a very real possibility that this is how he sees the relationship. Have you had a serious talk about your relationship? Where he’d like to see it headed? Where you would like to see it headed? It could very well be that he is just having fun with you. Don’t let him take advantage of you like that if it’s the case.  
    I would be most worried about his self-absorbedness though. And I do think it’s concerning that he will pay $6,000 for a spa treatment but not even buy you a little gift for something you both celebrate. By the way, how do you know what he spent on his spa treatment? Does he brag about the money he makes and spends? This would not be a good sign if he does.  

  17. 17

    Reality is you do feel hurt.
    So that is what is..
    That is your truth and your real feelings. Who you are.
    There is no should or shouldn’t. That is your real authentic self.
    You feel what you feel, Your feelings belong to you not Evan, me or anyone else.
    Before we can be in a real honest loving relationship with anyone else we first need to be honest with ourselves which you did. If you want to create in a real honest loving relationship with another person then you would need to real be honest with them and speak your truth and your real feelings as that is who you really are.
    This would be I am feeling hurt that I didn’t receive a gift for hannakuh as for me it is a time to celebrate and exchange gifts with people I am in caring relationships with. Or whatever your truth is for you. Who do you celebrate and exchange gifts with? What is your truth here?
    And then, ask his truth I feel curious to hear your thoughts on this? What do you like to do for Hannakuh?
    He then gets to see and hear the real authentic you.
    And you get to see if he is able and wants to be in a real honest loving relationship with you.
    Although at the moment he isn’t really available yet as he is still married.
    Getting divorced means not available yet. That means still married.  That along with long distance makes me question if you really want a real relationship with someone who is available and able to do one.
    As there are so many men who are not in that situation and are available why would you choose to get involved with   one who at the moment isn’t?

    1. 17.1

      Rose, that’s such great advice! It’s much healthier to acknowledge how we feel about something and ask ourselves questions about it instead of pushing those feelings down and pretending they don’t exist. Often relationship experts talk about how men want to be accepted. Which I truly do believe is the case and it’s good advice. But sometimes it feels like they forget that women want to be accepted too. Our feelings included in that.  

  18. 18

    This man is clearly not ready for a real relationship with you yet, if ever.   Flying to see you from time to time and paying for dates is one thing, getting you symbolic gifts for Hanukah is a whole different level of emotional commitment that  men usually don’t make until they are ready.   Gifts, if given properly, can imbue a whole different level of  intimacy and commitment and if he is not there yet, he probably does not want to raise your expectations unnecessarily.   When my now-husband and I were dating, he always paid for everything but didn’t give gifts until our relationship was deeper.   When he gave me a gift, it meant that he had really thought about what he wanted to give me, whether I would like it, whether I could use it, etc.   Gift-giving can imply a whole deeper level of intimacy.   I think deep down you know that it that’s what’s making you feel uncomfortable.

  19. 19
    Peter 51

    The worst thing I ever did was buy an iPod, when they were new, and a parka fitted with ear phones so that said iPod could be controlled without removing gloves.   It provoked a confrontation “What are my obligations!” and uneasiness that took 6 months to wear off.   It took two years for the Parka to be worn.   ditto use of iPod.   Now, we give each other fossils we’ve collected or cook each other meals, although I chipped in a small part of a fur coat when invited because she wanted me to be part of it (she’d been waiting for years to buy it) but $120, not all $2400.   The situation described seems to involve a very greedy or very insecure woman.

  20. 20

    I did something I have never done before this morning. Tomorrow is a public holiday in my country, so I asked my husband this morning, as we were both leaving for work “honey, would you like to get me a gift for tomorrow’s holiday”. “Sure” he said, what would you like?”.   “There is a pair of shoes that are very beatiful  that I am thinking about, maybe we can get those”. “Sure” he said. “Is  it ok if I skip the flowers?”.
    I will take him to the store tonight so that he can buy them for me. I have never done something like that, normally I would just go and buy whatever I wish, without ever talking to him.     I just decided to see how he will react, and whether he wants to please me. Just thinking that he does brings a smile to my face, even if it would not occur to him without me asking!


    1. 20.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Of course he wants to please you. That’s what women always forget – if he’s your partner, that’s the job he signed up for. And if he’s not doing it adequately, it’s probably because you haven’t properly communicated how he can perform better in a way that makes him want to perform better. Yelling at a guy for not reading your mind does not incentivize him to be a better husband. Good for you.

    2. 20.2

      Your husband is 👍👍👍👍

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