My Wealthy Boyfriend Does Not Buy Me Gifts. Should I Be Hurt?

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My question is that I have been seeing a guy long distance for 7 months. He seems to be really crazy about me, visits every couple of weeks and we talk on the phone nearly every day. He is going through a very public “yucky” divorce and is quite wealthy. However, he is VERY cheap with me and pretty self-absorbed. He does pay for all of our dates, but he didn’t get me a Hanukah gift (or any other gifts!). We are both Jewish and Hanukah is a big deal…and I got him very nice gifts. I know I have high expectations regarding men and this kind of issue…but I’m having a very hard time with this man who in so many ways I’m so happy with. He does so many self-indulgent things for himself (including a spa on his own for a week that cost $6,000, gets regular massages, drives an expensive car, has elaborate parties for his daughters’ birthdays, etc.) and while I’m appreciative that he comes to visit me (which involves a 1hr flight) and we go on lovely dates, I’m really hurt….what should I do? Thank you…I LOVE reading your advice.

Yvonne

I love your question, precisely because it defies any obvious answer.

You’ve already acknowledged that you have “high expectations regarding men and money.” This is useful and somewhat self-aware. However, your admission calls into question your ability to be objective. How can I know if your boyfriend IS very cheap or if you merely PERCEIVE him as very cheap because you’ve raised the bar so impossibly high that any man is doomed to fail you?

How he feels about you is reflected in how often he calls you, how often he sees you, whether he’s willing to commit to you, whether he accepts you as you are without trying to change you… THAT’s love.

I can’t answer that question for you. But if you have a perpetual issue with how much men are spending on you, it would probably seem to me that this is more about you than it is about them.

This doesn’t render your boyfriend blameless. The only reason I’m focusing on you is because you are the one who wrote me the email and you are the only one who can change your own behavior.

So let’s take a second to do a few things to reframe this discussion:

  1. You equate how much he spends on you with how much he loves you. This is a fallacy — and a self-imposed one at that. Once again, I’m not defending him if he is, in fact, cheap. What I’m saying is that how he feels about you is reflected in how often he calls you, how often he sees you, whether he’s willing to commit to you, whether he accepts you as you are without trying to change you… THAT’s love. Not expensive Hanukah gifts.
  2. You wrote that Hanukah is a big deal. Are you speaking for yourself or are you speaking for him? In my Jewish household, Hanukah is not a big deal at all. It’s always a big relationship mistake to assume that what’s important to you is equally important to him (and vice versa). Since this was your first Hanukah together, perhaps you can have an even-tempered discussion at some point next year where you talk about how this is your favorite holiday and you tend to go over the top with gifts. He will either take the hint and follow your lead, or he will tell you that he’s not a really big “gifts” guy and that you shouldn’t go overboard buying things for him or expect him to do the same for you.
  3. You’re conveniently avoiding the ways in which he IS generous to focus on the ways he’s not. He flies to visit you every few weeks and he picks up all of the costs. That seems pretty generous to me. Factor in that you’re his seven-month long-distance girlfriend, not his wife, AND he’s going through an expensive divorce, and, well, what entitles you to decide how he spends his hard-earned money?

If you don’t like the way your boyfriend spends his money, find a new boyfriend.

I don’t know if you got him a $1000 set of golf clubs and if he got you a hand-vacuum from Bed, Bath and Beyond, but unless that’s the case, I would refrain from making a big stink about how much money he spent on your gifts. I’m not saying that you have to be with a “VERY cheap” guy, but if you want a snowball’s chance in hell at being his wife, you’re not gonna get there by complaining about his Hanukah gifts. In fact, since he’s going through a divorce, I’d think the LAST thing he’d want is someone who might be perceived as an entitled gold digger and that any “cheap” jabs will quickly trigger his break-up reflex.

Long story short: if you don’t like the way your boyfriend spends his money, find a new boyfriend. Don’t complain that he’s not giving you enough. THIS is how he chooses to give.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Julia Lewis

    To me that $1.99 rose makes a very loud and evident statement that I am on his mind and that he loves me.   The small stuff speaks more.   If he has a locked pocket for that $1.99 rose that I am not on his mind and he does not love me.   That is how I feel about love.   And it is a simple thought pattern for love.   If he is wealthy and I am on his mind than a floral basket given to me everyday shows me simply that I am on his mind and that he loves me.   It is that simple for me.   And it is a simple way to romance me.   And I have told men this fact in regards to me.   To me that simple rose costing him $2.00 shows me that I am on his mind and that I am important for him to ensure that I know that he is thinking of me.   I have been in relationships that he did not even take a pieces of paper and tell me Happy Anniversary.   And that was all that it would take.   To me, love is shown is those simple things every day.   Love notes left on a sticky on my drivers wheel.   Love notes left on a mirror in the house because when he looked at himself in the mirror the love for me made him want me at his side, picturing me next to him than without him.   He is without me due to not doing these simple little things in loving me.   Love is told and love is shown.   Love is felt.   And in falling in love it causes every heart beat of normal sinus rhythm, instead of irregular beats that he has now without me.   Cardiac disease usually in a subconscious thought pattern that starts in people due to emotional loss, anger and or frustration.   He lost me and it is due to himself.   And what is sad is that he know that is a truthful statement.   To me love is earned in the simple ways that he shows me.   People state not to sweat the small stuff, yet it is the small stuff that he does in loving me than shows me that he feels that he is unable to live without me.   Otherwise, to me it is not love.   I am only a trophy.   I am only that fictional character in his mind of who I am not.   And that has been a severe problem with the men that have lost me in their lives due to themselves.   And they are fully aware of that fact.   And thousands of women have agreed with me.   An extremely stupid ignorant man never learns how to love me in his arrogance. He does not love me and proved that is a fact.   I do not have to change for anyone.   I am perfect just the way that I am.   And if he doesn’t like it, than he is not for me.   I am not on his mind to simply buy that $1.99 rose, IN LOVE in loving me.   And it is his loss.   And he does know it.   He is fool now.

  2. 42
    Julia Lewis

    To me, he could have bought me that vacuum that I needed to pick up the four dogs hair in my home rather than complain about it in him not loving me and not showing me that he loved me.   He is fool for losing me.   Four dogs cause quite a mess in homes.   Yet they have loved me more than he did.   They have shown me more love than he ever did.   They are more important than he is.   He is that fool who lost me thinking of me as some fictional character in his mind of who I am not.   He sought her not me.   He murdered my dogs in his incivility of not loving me and seeking her instead.   I am also not some fictional story that he as a delusional man thought up in his mind to impress other people what are not myself.   He is beastialitor who murdered my dogs in his violence instead.   I do not pity her.   I do not have sympathy for her any further.   She is stupid enough to want to fix him.   She is stupid enought to want him in her life in some capacity.   That is a co dependent who seeks a dependent as if he is a child with severe mental illness.   She instead seeks his abusive personality disorder.   And I am not that woman that he or she may place their displaced anger upon in any way, shape or form.   They needed to be stopped.   One of these kinds of people that have been in my life was bad enough.   Two is disasterous.   Do you thinkk that they are able to comprehend these facts?   I do wonder if their is any synaptic transmission in any of these people and I doubt it.   I do not want a lap dog for a man in his dysfunctions.   She does.   She is fool, who I pity and have sympathy for no more.

  3. 43
    George

    I’d like to point out something incredibly obvious that I haven’t seen mentioned.

    You said: “he is VERY cheap with me and pretty self-absorbed. He does pay for all of our dates, but he didn’t get me a Hanukah gift (or any other gifts!). “

    The guy pays for all your dates and you have the audacity to call him cheap? Shame on you. That’s unfair in itself. I would never date a girl that never paid for dates.

    Maybe he’s couldn’t afford a gift after paying for all your dates! He isn’t your ATM!!!!

  4. 44
    Crystal Morrow

    HELLO?!!’ Why do NONE of these bitches understand that NOT getting a gift at all period .. she didn’t say ” I did t get an expensive gift” if you paid any attention at all. Is a HUGE problem them y’all can fuck off that’s probably why your not the Queen in the realationship okay!!!

    No I disagree with all the fools for 1! You deserve a gift period. One hand picked flower from the neighbors yard… one special order of McDonald’s fries with a small vanilla ice cream cone to dip late night .. one complimentary car wash coupon for $7 not including the tire shine… okay. Damn. -seems to me like all of these bitches on this chat have it BAD. ” gold digger don’t expect a gift ” damn.. lol you can go to the dollar store now in 2016 & get one gift & a bag for $2.00 plus tax so $2.10 total. NO Fucking Excuses for MEN sorry your men are lame as fuck, maybe get a Brazilian wax once a blue moon. Jesus.   Making this young lady feel like shit. Wow. I’m having the same issue. But guess what the answer is. Let him know how you feel & tell him what you would like for the holiday & ask what he needs as well & then see … don’t except what ever . .. men who are devorced   are a little careful with there $$ you can’t blame them… it’s sad. Good luck. You deserve the very best…!!! Everyone

  5. 45
    Mahya

    is he Israeli Jewish? I am and most  actually don’t give gifts for Hanukkah, it’s more of an Americanized Jewish thing. Hahah…

  6. 46
    Noreen

    Wait through a couple more major holidays like Valentine’s and your birthday.   Beforehand, in a TENDER moment, tell him the holiday is coming up and say, “I’d like to talk about gift giving beforehand so I don’t imbalance the scales like I did on Haunuka……   (Later) I do like a birthday card and gift. What are your thoughts on gift-giving?”

    Prior to the holiday, before it’s obvious, reinforce that gift-giving is important to you.   If he blows it, especially on Valentine’s Day, then he’s not for you unless some really weird dynamic is going on.   It’s pretty inexcusable not to present something that day, unless there is a major spat going on or he has mental issues.

    In the meanwhile, only give to him at the level he gives to you.   So, if sex only focuses on his climax, it needs to not be given while you play that gosh awful age-old role of increasing your value in his eyes by staying busy as well as gorgeous and accessorized, in a flirtatious come-here-go-away, hard-to-get way.   With this man, always spend as much on yourself proportionately as he spends on himself.   He gets a massage, you get a latte or nails.   Your gift to him and to your relationship is to make sure you treat yourself as well as he treats himself until he comes to his senses and realizes what the important things in life are, like reciprocity.

    I think he’s a narcissist.   You know he’s an adulterer.   Keep your value up. Send a few mysterious deliveries sent to yourself when you know he !Ight be there, but sign them as a woman so if he asks who, it is just a friend.

  7. 47
    Martha Corrrea

    He takes   1 hour fly to come and visit her. he is wealthy and paid all the bill when you go on a date. he is getting divorce. in another words he is a marry men and is using her, he does not want to had an affair in his own town, he can afford it. he does not have no intention to divorce his wife. he does not buy her gifts. he knows he is attracted to women because of his money. OP you haven’t found love yet. you are attracted to him, because his money. but sorry he is a married man.

  8. 48
    SweetyHeart

    Women have to learn how men think, but men have to learn how women think as well. IMO its not unreasonable for a woman to expect her boyfriend to give her a gift on Christmas. If she was expecting gifts every month that would be one thing, but from what I read OP isn’t asking for that. Women like to be made to feel special, and the fact is that when a woman receives a gift from her man she feels special, loved and valued. Why? Because the man went out and spent his hard earned money on her, it means he’s investing in her and thinks she it worth it.

    I have a neighbor who is in his 60’s. I remember one Valentine’s Day where he bragged to me about how he got his wife two dozen long stem red roses. I said thats nice and he said, why do you think I’ve been married for 20 years! Another guy in his 60’s also bragged about he bought his wife a purse for no reason other than they were in the mall and she saw it and liked it. So later he went back and got it for her as a surprise. So these are married men who’ve been married for many years and they buy their wives gifts because they’re smart enough to realize guess what “women like gifts!” Doh in my Homer Simpson voice.

    I don’t think OP’s expectations are unreasonable. Life is short, every woman should have a man eho makes her feel special. I expect a gift 3 times a year on my birthday, Christmas and Valentines Day. And I won’t apologize   for it. I’m good to my man and I deserve it.

  9. 49
    Daniel A

    Gays love men, women love money

    That’s why an artificial womb is a necessity. Not having to have a woman draining your resources while giving very little in return will be a godsend

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