Why He Disappeared (The Dr. Ali Binazir Version)

In 2008, I had a business coach who had just been through a painful break-up.

“If you write a book, explaining why men disappear,” she said, “You’re going to be rich and famous.”

Two years later, I released “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever.”

Around the same time, a friend of mine in LA was busy writing his own insightful tract on understanding men. His name is Dr. Ali Binazir and the name of that book is “The Tao of Dating – The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.”

As I wrote on my Writing page (where I recommend quality dating/relationship books) about The Tao of Dating:

Dr. Ali Binazir uses his deep knowledge of the mind and Eastern philosophy to create a must-read manifesto for smart, strong, successful women. It’s brainy stuff, but it’s a worthwhile venture. I devoured this book in one night and since Ali and I agree on 95% of our material, I can give you an enthusiastic endorsement.

In other words, I’m a big fan of the good doctor. He’s smart. He’s funny. And he’s a really great writer. There are few people whose skills I envy. He is one of them.

His latest piece was published on Medium and is called The 9 Reasons Why Men Lose Interest and What You Can Do About It. 

Give yourself 22 minutes to read it (yeah, it’s that long) and then come back and let me know what you think. I agree with almost everything he says.

 

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Christine

    Thanks for sharing Evan.  I hope it gives some encouragement to the people out there who are looking.  I noticed that many of the reasons he gives aren’t things that someone necessarily has control over.  That can help take disappearances less personally.  They’re not always a reflection on you or your worth, but on the other person’s issues.

    If anything, disappearances aren’t always a bad thing, but can even be blessings in disguise!  For instance, with the guy who’s a player, be thankful he disappeared and saved you many sleepless nights wondering if he’s cheating on you.  Or with the guy whose attachment style isn’t compatible with yours, be relieved you find out now, rather than after several painful years.

    In hindsight, there is not one guy who disappeared on me who I would take back, even if he returned.  Basically, I finally found love by finding someone whose attachment style is compatible with mine and has the same relationship goals as me.  I’m actually glad those others disappeared to make room for him.

    1. 1.1
      Jess

      Well said!  I really like the last 2 paragraphs.

      1. 1.1.1
        Christine

        Thanks!  Sometimes people disappear because they should and really aren’t the right one for us.

    2. 1.2
      GoWiththeFlow

      One of the biggest challenges for me is to remember sometimes that I just don’t know and never will, and that’s okay.  Most of my wasteful woe-is-me moments post breakup or disappearing act were spent trying to dig deep, dissect and figure out why it happened.  When the reality is that I didn’t know and would never really know because I don’t have a Total Recall implant in the guy’s brain.  And that’s okay.  All I can do is put my best foot forward and be mindful of how I come across and behave.

      A very enlightening read is Rachael Greenwald’s Have Him at Hello.  She started to do “exit interviews” (like an HR dept.  does with an employee who is leaving) with her clients’ former dates about why they never pursued further contact with them.  Some reasons given coincide with some of the things Evan says.  For instance, that the women had their serious work persona on and the men found it unfeminine and uninspiring.

      But some reasons were just silly, no win situations for the woman.  A woman has a small dog.  When at her house talking on the couch, she picked the dog up and put it on her lap, therefore she wasn’t paying attention to the man.  Then again, another man said the woman shooed the dog away, therefore she was un-nurturing.  As the author said, you can’t do anything about extrapolations like that!

      1. 1.2.1
        Christine

        Very well said there.  We need to learn to live with uncertainty.  It’s okay not to have telepathy and always know why he disappeared…just be thankful he hasn’t wasted any more of your time on an incompatible match.

        Some of those reasons are absolutely ridiculous.  If a guy would disappear on you for a stupid or petty reason, exactly what would you want with him?  Then I say, let him disappear!

         

  2. 2
    Soccer Mom

    I am laughing because my BF wears a leather jacket and rides and I avoided him like the plague at first!   Luckily he was persistent and he is amazing!   I learned a lesson….don’t always judge book by it’s cover!  Thanks to you Evan for opening me up to that too!!!

  3. 3
    Denise

    I would be interested to know the 5% you did not agree with Evan …. 🙂

    1. 3.1
      myname

      Ditto!

      1. 3.1.1
        Angel

        I bet it’s the “remind him you exist” bit.

        That would of course go against Evan’s nugget of wisdom: Do nothing. Mirror his efforts, don’t initiate.

  4. 4
    SMC

    I, too, would be interested in knowing the 5% that EMK did not agree with.  Was it the reaching out “Hey, big boy” part?  I’m very conflicted over that part because we women keep getting told to NOT reach out, let him chase you, let him reach out to YOU first, etc.

    Would love to hear from the guys out there as well – would a three-letter “Hey” rekindle that initial spark of interest?

    1. 4.1
      Stacy

      SMC

      Personally I would not do this.  Unless he is stuck in the Sahara without a cell phone and the internet, he knows how to get in contact with you. So I have to disagree with the good doctor here. Why would I want someone who I would have to remind how great/cool I am?

      Also, whenever a guy says  just ‘hey’ to me without further conversation, it’s a complete turnoff as if I am not worth him saying more than that (only exception is if he is just a platonic friend or if he already is my boyfriend)..in the beginning stages of dating and trying to impress, this would not be enough for me.

    2. 4.2
      Christine

      That’s a good question–the advice he gives in reason #6 (reach out to him) seems to conflict with reason #3 (let him chase you).  Unless, he doesn’t consider that “hey” text “chasing” or doing “something”.  I sure hope he’s not contradicting himself because I don’t know how women are supposed to do something and nothing at the same time LOL

      For me personally, I never actually had to remind my guy of my existence (perhaps that’s why I’m still with him and not the others who came before).  I do have to wonder how “into” you a guy is, if he can forget you that easily?

    3. 4.3
      Robyn

      I think a 3-letter “Hey” message is the worst way of reaching out to some one – it just reeks of laziness (IMHO anyway).
      Surely the object of your affections deserves a full sentence or two?
      If they don’t inspire you enough to type more than 3 letters, then why are you bothering to reach out to them?

    4. 4.4
      SMC

      Stacy, Christine, and Robyn,

      Thanks for your responses.  I agree – a “hey” speaks volumes, none of it very good.  At the very least, two more letters in “hello” is much friendlier and sounds a tad more interested.  And interesting.  I myself would respond to a “hello” more than to a “hey,” though I’d only offer a “hello” in return and then wait to see what happens.

  5. 5
    Stacy

    Okay, VERY interesting article and Evan, yes, these are all the things you would say BUT…

    in this day and age, it’s a damn  miracle of anyone gets together for the long haul.  It seems that the best theory (objectively that is) is for a woman (especially) to date ‘down’ while convincing herself that she is compromising positively.

    1. 5.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Are men dating down when they date women with less money and education? If not, then please drop that tired act and start dating the way men do – because they feel accepted, appreciated and admired.

      1. 5.1.1
        Stacy

        Evan, ‘dating down’ is relative and may not even necessarily have to do with money or education…

        Let’s consider looks for example, even you tend to give people numbers (she’s a 5 or an 8 for example). Let’s not act like people dont prefer others in their perceived ‘league’…as a result, we categorize and are satisfied based on who we are and who we think we can get in relationships…doesn’t mean it’s on the mark all the time and it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a lot of delusion out there, but there is a point where you rate the person who is approaching you. It’s human nature. We ALL do this. If that wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t have any standards to attribute to anyone.

        With that being said, I simply mean that based on the Doctor’s article and the average modern dater, it would seem that a man would have to (more often than not) feel that the woman he dates is a prize, and that usually involves her being of a higher caliber than he is (whatever that means to HIM, it’s usually looks for men). I am just saying that it is a disadvantage when you deal with men who can outmatch (or even match – let’s face it, there is a reason why the 60 year old men online go after 30 year olds…they think they have a chance…however, you dont tend to hear these types of disallusions amongst women) you in a few areas. Don’t get me wrong, we women have our universal flaws but that’s usually not one of them. This  has nothing to do with feeling accepted, appreciated and admired.

  6. 6
    Stacy

    …to finish my first thought…it seems most men (and women) will only stick around and seriously invest if they think they can’t do better.

    1. 6.1
      Karmic Equation

      The question is, if one is happy with what one has, why does it matter if s/he “can do better”?

      Who is this person competing with? Him/herself?? Friends? Family?

      I would posit that a person, male or female, who constantly looks for ‘better’ when they’re already happy is not a person anyone should have a relationship with. That person will never be satisfied.

      One could argue, well, “I’m not happy, that’s why I keep looking.” Sounds perfectly reasonable, except if this person is rarely or never happy, then it’s probably not because they can’t find a person who can satisfy them, but rather that this person is never satisfied. Can never be satisfied. And this person falsely believes this way of being makes him/her BETTER than other people.

      In other words, people who don’t understand the difference between ‘compromising’ and ‘setting’ are probably better single, not because they’re too good for others, but because then they can’t inflict their judgmental selves on others. What sane person would want to spend the rest of his/her life with someone who judges their partner to be “not enough” or “not worthy”?

      Let’s use an easy analogy.

      I love eggs benedict. I love it with cheese sauce and I love it with hollandaise sauce. I prefer hollandaise sauce, though, if given a choice. I go to a new breakfast joint, they only serve eggs benedict with cheese sauce. I was in the mood for hollandaise.

      I suppose I could leave this place and go to my normal place to have eggs benedict with hollandaise sauce. Did I settle or did I compromise? Or did I just make a choice?

      If I stay at this place and decide to forgo the eggs benedict for an omelet? Did I “settle” for the omelet, or was it just a different choice than the one I originally intended to make?

      If I decide to have the eggs benedict with cheese sauce, did I settle? Did I compromise? Does it even matter?

      1. 6.1.1
        Stacy

        Karmic,

        You’re absolutely right. But because of TECHNOLOGY and the ease of the swipe, we now live in a world where people are now viewed as sooo disposable.  It’s the era of the disappearing man or woman. Things have changed. In my mother’s time, you had very very few options.  A man courted because he (almost) had to.  Nowadays it’s different. The article stated that people get turned on for almost no reason. Why? Because online dating and the technology where you can get everything like, yesterday, has created a bunch of entitled assholes. As a result, it’s much more difficult for people to be ‘satisfied’…just pointing out the fact.

        1. Christine

          I can see what you mean, because I ran into that before too.  These dating websites and apps feed that mentality that there’s always something newer or shinier around the corner…so why bother investing much time or effort in this option, where there are so many other better options out there?  (not saying that’s necessarily true but, the technology gives the illusion of an endless sea of choices)

          However, after dating a while, some people begin to get tired of the constant dating merry-go-round, and want to build something more substantive.  After going on tons of dates without finding perfection, eventually there’s a point where all that effort no longer seems worth it.

        2. Karmic Equation

          Hi Stacy,

          So what?

          If the guy isn’t satisfied with you, he’s going to show it, in terms of lack of effort to escalate the dates to a relationship, e.g., calling frequently, scheduling the next date within a day or two of last date, etc.

          If a guy isn’t putting in the effort, a woman shouldn’t be investing emotionally or even any headspace for the guy, no matter how cute or how much of her checklist he fulfills.

          The problem is that too many women invest headspace, hopes, and emotions when the guy hasn’t declared himself serious about her, because SHE likes HIM.

          The solution is easy for women: Don’t like a man more than his efforts warrant. Date multiple men until one of them steps up and asks for exclusivity. Don’t get hung up on one guy. Don’t assume exclusivity until he asks.

          Yeah, the sex thing. Well, as Evan advocates, don’t have it until the guy is your bf. If you feel slutty making out with lots of guys, you need to get over that feeling. You don’t have to have sex by the 3rd date. You don’t even have to go beyond 2nd base by the 3rd date. If you get to a 4th or 5th date with a guy, then add 2nd or 3rd base. Not sure about others, but usually, if you have at least 6 dates with a guy, you should be comfortable giving Evan’s “I don’t have sex until commitment” speech.

          If you’re not comfortable speaking freely like that with a guy by the 6th date, I would say you’re with the wrong guy already. So quit him and move on.

          In the above scenario, all those guys who think they can “do better” than you will have weeded themselves out, probably by the 4th date.

          So who cares about all the guys who think they can do better because they can swipe right on Tinder? That guy won’t be asking you to be his girlfriend.

          As long as you agreed to be his girlfriend because you’ve properly vetted him to be good boyfriend material, e.g., that he’s a good, honorable, decent guy looking for a relationship and not sex–then that guy isn’t going online once he’s your boyfriend.

          If you say yes to being a girlfriend (and by extension yes to sex) to a man you don’t know is a good guy, then shame on you. You should have a good sense of a guy’s character before you sleep with him, if you don’t want to get hurt.

          Don’t get seduced by the handsome, silver-tongued charmer who says everything you want to hear. He needs to ALSO behave in a way that is consistent with his words. If he says he loves being with you, but only sees you once every 10 days, he does NOT love being with you. A guy who “loves” your company, wants to see you frequently. So dump that guy. Or continue dating him for fun (and no sex, unless you can handle NSA sex) without expectation of a relationship. He’ll either disappear or step up.

          Don’t like a guy more than his efforts warrant, and you’ll be fine. And you’ll be able to keep dating and having fun on your search for Mr. Right.

        3. N

          Stacy– things will not stop changing. Dating up, down, swipe left, right.. they don’t matter in the whole scheme of things.

          Summon the sweet, kind, flirtatious, witty side of you and go out there. There are so many great things that can happen. Seize it.

      2. 6.1.2
        GoWiththeFlow

        Back in the early 90’s my boyfriend and I read Warren Farrell’s The Myth of Male Power at the same time.  One little vignette I still remember is about a man who the author met at one of his men’s workshops.  The guy (middle-aged at the time he attended the workshop) told the story of how when he was in his 20s he had a steady girlfriend but was consistently conflicted about whether he should settle down with her or try for one of the “genetic celebrities” (Farrell’s term for a 10) he always secretly desired.  He married his girlfriend.  Even 20 years later the guy was still conflicted about how he “settled.”  I felt really sorry for his wife.  Hopefully she was happily unaware that she “settled” for!

        Whether it’s s considered by an individual to be settling, compromising, or serendipitously finding out that what you thought was wrong for you turned out to be just the thing you needed, seems to be in the attitude the person has.  It’s wanting what you have and being grateful for it versus bemoaning what you think you should have.

        1. Prospect

          Do you know why he didn’t go for a “genetic celebrity?”

    2. 6.2
      Karmic Equation

      Hi Stacy,

      I wanted to address this other side of the coin. The part where you say a guy “will only stick around and seriously invest if they think they can’t do better”.

      We women should all aim to be the woman he can’t do better than. Not in terms of looks, because that’s genetic. Either you’re blessed or you’re not. (But if you’re not, you ought to still try to do your best to look good, primarily for yourself, secondarily for him–but that’s topic for another post).

      Why, because then you stay in the relationship with confidence. He wants to dump you? Ok, fine. Leave. Now. He’ll never find a woman as kind, considerate, loving, funny, and supportive as you. Sure, she may be more beautiful, but we all know that beauty is skin deep. If a guy is willing to dump you for another woman’s beauty? He’s not worth keeping. Good riddance.

      I think a man is SMART to stop at me. He’s smart to recognize that he has never felt more loved and cared for than in a relationship with me. When a man values what he feels when he’s with you, and if he’s a man who values love as much as sex, he’s not going to dump you because that supermodel spoke to him or flirted with him. Yeah, he might get a little googly eyed or act smitten — so would we if Brad Pitt or George Clooney flirted with us — but your bf isn’t going to dump you because for that supermodel any more than you would dump him for Brad or George.

      A man who knows that he literally cannot do better than you because ONLY YOU has ever been able to make him feel as loved and accepted as he is…that man is not going to dump you. And if you’re a woman who has boundaries. And all guys know–without being told–that women with boundaries will dump his ass if he cheats, that guy will not cheat on you. Because he understands the severity of that action means he will lose you.

      What I’m saying is that if you have confidence that there is no other woman in the world who can match your personality and temperament and how you make him feel, then yes, he stops because he can’t do better than you. And he knows this. And it’s a good thing. Not the bad thing you think it is.

      The problem is most women don’t have that kind of confidence. Become that woman beyond compare, not in looks, but in WHO YOU ARE. Because then you stop worrying about a guy “settling” for you. You know he’s not settling because he’s found his Holy Grail.

      1. 6.2.1
        KK

        Very insightful, KE. I couldn’t agree more.

        1. Karmic Equation

          Thanks, KK.

      2. 6.2.2
        Christine

        Couldn’t have said it better. Come to think of it, if a guy is dumb enough to not to appreciate you, even though you’re the best that he could ever do…then exactly what do you want with him?

        Things have gotten better for me after developing some more self-confidence.  In our earlier days, there were a few times when my guy talked about his ex a bit too much for my liking…or when it bothered me that he still did certain favors for her.  I had a few insecure moments, wondering if he was still hung up on her and “settling” for me.

        But then, a lightbulb went off.  He told me how I can make him smile and laugh like no one else can.  He said that he didn’t know a relationship could be this fun and easy.  With her, he had a lot of drama, and a fight at least once a month (often more).

        That gave me confidence that no, he wasn’t just “settling” for me.  I also thought to myself, oh screw it.  If he really saw his drama and fights with her as “better” than smiles and laughter with me…then good riddance, he’s an idiot I’d be better off without anyway!

        I felt an enormous weight lift off me–that no matter what, even in the worst case scenario, I’d be okay.  I decided to just keep being the best date (then girlfriend) I could be for him.  If I ever got more concrete evidence that he was still in love with her, I was prepared to walk away and free myself for someone else smart enough to love me more than a toxic ex.  I took a leap of faith that I would know if and when to walk away.

        Sure enough, as we got to know each other better, he gradually spent less time and energy on his ex.  He gradually stopped talking about her, and doing things for her.  He also decided that she wasn’t even a very good friend for him, so stopped contacting her (I suspected she is a “user” who was just trying to take advantage of him–and he eventually saw that too)

        I got through my worries just by deciding to have more faith in what I bring to the table.  When you have that, you can get through just about anything.

         

  7. 7
    Stacy

    ‘turned off for almost no reason.

    1. 7.1
      Theo

      You are only partly right, Stacy. Still in 2016, more than 50% of men and women are in a long term relationship. Lots of people are satisfied with their partners.

      1. 7.1.1
        Stacy

        Theo,

        The only statistics you can go by is the marriage statistics since that can actually be legitimately recorded. Long term relationships can’t so I am not sure where you got your numbers from. And the term ‘long term’ is defined differently for everyone.  But based on the Bentley.edu website,

        “Today an unprecedented portion of millennials will remain unmarried through age 40, a recent Urban Institute report predicted. The marriage rate might drop to 70 percent — a figure well below rates for boomers (91 percent), late boomers (87 percent) and Gen Xers (82 percent). And declines might be even sharper if marriage rates recover slowly, or not at all, from pre-recession levels, according to the report.Traditional marriage has been on a downward trajectory for generations, but with this group it appears to be in free fall. According to a report released last month by the Pew Research Center, 25 percent of millennials are likely to never be married.That would be the highest share in modern history. – ‘

        I am more than happy to post the link but I dont know if that kind of thing is frowned upon by Evan.

        1. KK

          “Today an unprecedented portion of millennials will remain unmarried through age 40, a recent Urban Institute report predicted”.

          Key word: prediction. Not study.

           

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          a) Click on the marriage tab on the right side of the blog. I routinely post statistics exaggerating the “death” of marriage. Yes, overall, in society, the marriage rate has gone down:
          -Millenials question it.
          -Women don’t “need” men for financial support”
          -50% of women from 20-30 are (in my opinion) foolishly having children out of wedlock.

          b) And despite all that, even this downward trajectory, means that the VAST majority of people STILL choose marriage – an institution that is better defined these days by class. In other words, that 70-75% projection will be weighted down by the less educated, while wealthier/educated people end up in STRONGER marriages with lower divorce rates (around 20%).

          c) So is not getting married a “trend”? Yes. Times change. But like growing numbers of atheists/agonistics, I don’t think it’s actually threatening the dominant presence of Christianity in America.

        3. Theo

          Stacy,

          In my home country Sweden, in 2013, 42% of all adults (age 18 or older) were married and 20% were officially registered as cohabitating with a partner of the opposite sex (without being married), and still other people are involved in relations. Hence, certainly more than 62% of Swedish adults were involved in long term relationships.

  8. 8
    Stacy

    @Christine,

    Yeah, when men are like 50 years old, they get tired.lol *Okay, I am kidding but only a little*

    1. 8.1
      Christine

      Well then I guess I’m lucky my guy reached that point in his early 40s and I didn’t need to wait ten more years lol!  Actually, he reached that point earlier, of wanting to stop dating and get married…but then, his ex was the one who thought she could do “better”.

      I know that entitled type you’re talking about, always looking for “better”.  I ran into them too, to the point that when I finally met one who wasn’t like that–it felt like a miracle.  Chances are, the entitled types wouldn’t be happy with anyone.  Those people will probably end up alone (or at least single for a long time).  But I’ve seen from my own guy that there are men who aren’t like that either.  It can feel like they’re few and far in between, but they are out there and worth finding!

       

       

    2. 8.2
      JB

      You guys are too funny! I’m like 55, never been married and I’m not “tired” at all. I still love the game! Ok….. some days (like today) I’m a little tired…..lol  but only a little. The 44 yr. old gal from Match left my house late last night. Gotta love home bed advantage! No she’s not my girlfriend and never will be. Last night was our 8th date and it’s never even been discussed.

      Today’s a new day and a new day to play! 🙂

      1. 8.2.1
        Stacy

        Exhibit A folks.

        1. Emily, the original

          Stacy,

          Yeah, I wanted to hurl when I read that, too. If anything in his post is even true. Sounds more like wishful thinking.

        2. JB

          Well played Stacy, well played…..LOL

        3. GoWiththeFlow

          Stacy,

          Yep!

          Another way to say it:  What women seeking Evan’s advice are trying to avoid.

        4. JB

          All I was trying to convey is that some men don’t get “tired”. Some women like the one I AM dating are perfectly fine casually dating and at our 11th date as of today (and no I didn’t make this story up) “where this is going” and “are you seeing anyone else?” hasn’t been brought up and I’m not going initiate it. (For the record I’m not seeing anyone else but that doesn’t mean I want to be in a serious monogamous with this woman.)

          If she was a student of Evan, Steve Harvey or fill in the blank with any serious monogamy/marriage teacher preachers I’m sure she would of brought this up in a conversation in one of our earlier dates and I would of gladly and honestly discussed it. You’re right Stacy, women on this site aren’t interested in men like me and THAT ……. as Juan Pablo would say is “ok”. I meet women all the time because like Evan says online dating works even if everyone isn’t looking for marriage. Sorry for shaking up the hen house Evan.

      2. 8.2.2
        Christine

        JB, that’s your prerogative and as long as any woman you date is on the same page as you, it’s not an issue.  I personally fall more into that serious monogamy camp.  I got sick of casual dating by my early 30s (in my mid 30s now).  But hey, different strokes for different folks!

         

  9. 9
    Rami

    Like many of the others here, I found the advice in #3 (the reboot part) and #6 to conflict with Evan’s advice to do nothing. I generally get Evan’s point and do thing there is merit to it. But I also think it can be OK to reach out a time or two. I also think that if you have an event to go to – like a wedding, and have been seeing someone you like enough, it is ok to ask the person to be your date. So, in that instance you would be initiating. If there is no reciprocation or you fall into a pattern where you are always initiating, probably time to move on. I also think that online dating and the endless choices is a detriment in many ways to building something meaningful. Of course, if you screw for similar relationship goals that helps. But at what point do you have that conversation? Sometimes it feels a little heavy for a first date. Or, as it recently happened to me, I had such a good time and we talked about so many things that I didn’t realize until afterwards that I didn’t ask.

    1. 9.1
      Rami

      I meant SCREEN for similar relationship goals!

      1. 9.1.1
        KK

        LOL Rami, thanks for the correction! I read that sentence 3 times. 😀

        1. JB

          Ahhhhhh LOL that’s where the term “freudian slip” comes from. 🙂

           

  10. 10
    ScottH

    Evan- regarding the “do nothing” advice in Attached, Levine states that behaving like that will attract Avoidant people.  What are your thoughts?

    1. 10.1
      ScottH

      Sorry, punctuation error

      Restated:  In the book Attached, Levine states that behavior like “doing nothing” will attract Avoidants.

      What are your thoughts about that?

      The book does not advise to “do nothing.”

    2. 10.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      I read the book, Scott and I don’t think that Levine said that explicitly, and if he did, it was not directed toward my brand of advice – which exists for one reason – to stop women from chasing down men and reminding them they’re alive. “Do nothing” from Why He Disappeared will attract more masculine/alpha/confident men who know that if you like a woman, you call her. The fact that some of those men may be avoidant is inevitable. So I guess, without further context, I’d have to disagree.

      1. 10.2.1
        KK

        I agree with Evan. I’ve always had the “do nothing” mindset as a natural default and I’ve attracted all 3 types of men.

      2. 10.2.2
        ScottH

        I was referring to what he says on page 98:  “don’t make yourself too available, say you’re busy even when you’re not, don’t call him- wait for him to call you, don’t appear to care too much, act mysterious”

        It was the part about not calling him, wait for him to call you that made me think of you.  You do not advocate the bad advice mentioned about declining invitations and acting mysteriously and not appearing to care too much.

  11. 11
    Malika

    Great article! It should be a required refresher to all single people who are on the dating scene. I think repeated reviewing of this comprehensive article would help most people prevent frustrating dating situations.

     

    Caveat: I also take issue with the ‘remind him of your existence’. That’s because I have been guilty of it myself! It’s the number one behaviour mode I had to unlearn in order to date men who had any kind of potential.  Shooting a hey what’s up message, befriending him on Facebook, inviting him to dinner parties after not having heard from him in months, declaring my love for him because he seemed so shy. I can check the whole list. It gave me something substantial twice, and twice I ended up in relationships with guys who were so passive and beige within the relationship that it made me want to scream after the love hormones wore off. Far more often, I had situations where I wasted YEARS of emotional turmoil on dudes who treated me like an option. Do nothing can seem a bit excessive, but at least it gives him time to breathe, to get excited about getting to know you.

    As for the paradox of choice, that we feel that there is always something nicer and shinier round the corner… It’s a yes and no in my experience. Yes, you can get carried away in wanting a very specific prince in shining armour. But once you meet someone you are really interested in (in a healthy, non-obsessive manner), you re not wondering who else is on the dating site, you are focusing on him. And I am making an educated guess that men operate in the same way too.

  12. 12
    Stacy

    @Karmic

    Great advice I must admit.

    1. 12.1
      Karmic Equation

      Thanks, Stacy,

      Learn not to care for a guy until he demonstrates he cares for you as a person. Could take a few minutes. Could take a month of dates. You’ll know when he’s for real if you pay attention to his actions. Only give credence to flattery and sweet nothings (“I love your company”, etc.) only if his actions match his words. If they don’t match, believe his actions, not his words.

      Unless the words are negative, e.g., “I’m not looking for anything serious”. As EMK says, “believe the negatives”.

      Can’t go wrong if you do that if you do both above.

      Good luck 🙂

  13. 13
    Dr Ali Binazir

    High praise indeed, sir! Kinda amazed how many people are willing to wade through my 5000 words — thanks for your patience!

  14. 14
    Jeanne

    Really great article and very entertaining!  Thanks!

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