How To Guarantee A Guy Calls You After Sex

A reader throws my words back at me to get clarity on my Top Online Dating Mistake: thinking your great date actually meant something…

Hi Evan,

To explain why a great date doesn’t necessarily mean anything to men, you wrote: “Instead of thinking in terms of black and white (He likes me/he doesn’t like me), think in terms of grey. Isn’t it possible that a guy can be out, enjoying your company, being thoughtful, telling you you’re beautiful, kissing you at the end of the night, and never call you again?”  

I guess it’s possible, theoretically. I am not a man, so it’s difficult for me to understand. But why would a guy do that? For example, if I like a guy, and I had a good time on a date, I’d like to see him again. I think about it in 2nd grade terms, “I like a person, I would like to see them again. I don’t like a person, I don’t want to see them again” That applies to all people – men, women, romantic or platonic.

You also wrote: “All you can do as a woman is not make the date “mean” something, because 50% of the time, as you can probably see, it doesn’t mean a thing to him…”

Yeah, I think that’s an assumption. I, personally, cannot SEE that it doesn’t mean a thing to him, like I can’t differentiate. When do things start meaning to a man?

So what distinguishes when a guy goes on a date, has a good time, but is just “in the moment, and doesn’t call me back, versus a guy who had a good time with me and then calls me back? Is this “in the moment” feeling premeditated, i.e. the guy knows this date isn’t going to be serious, before the date occurs? Or does the “in the moment” feeling occur during the process of the date, which is dependent on the woman and on a date itself? So tell me about your experiences. How do you approach this dating, “in the moment” situtation? I am just trying to understand the psyche.

Maybe it’s just me, but all interactions with people mean something to me. I feel that’s the respect I should give to another person. And if they don’t mean anything to me, then it’s because I don’t want to interact with that person.

Any clarification of this idea would be very helpful.

Jean

Dear Jean,

I’m going to drop the dating coach bit for a second and just be a guy.

When I was dating prolifically, I’d be going out with two or three women at a time. And every single time I went out, I did two things:

  1. I tried to be the best date I possibly could. I’d call, email, express interest, plan a good date, show up on time, etc.
  2. I tried to make her want me really badly. I’d listen, I’d lean in, I’d flirt, I’d compliment her.

In short, I wanted every single date to feel good about me, so I would have the option of going out with her again. Sometimes, we’d hug goodbye. Other times, we’d drunkenly go back to her place. But no matter what, I was looking to keep my options open, have fun, and sometimes get a little action. And yes, I was always in pursuit of a long-term relationship. I just didn’t want to deprive myself entirely of sexual activity until I fell in love.

By the way, whether you agree or not, I considered myself a NICE guy. I slept with very few people, I never said, “I love you” and I rarely kept a physical relationship going beyond a few weeks, if I felt it was headed nowhere.

To me, I felt like I was acting with integrity. To a woman who woke up next to me after a first date and thought that we were “in a relationship”, I can see how she felt differently….

This is the bargain we strike when we’re dating.

My friend, dating coach and matchmaker, Julie Ferman, talks about what a strange world we live in where we are more comfortable sleeping with a stranger than we are TALKING about what it means to sleep together. And it’s kind of true, isn’t it? Better to hop in bed and hope we can handle the emotional consequences than it is to have a weird conversation about commitment, right?

So if you really want to understand men, Jean, chew on this one for awhile:

Men look for sex and find love.

Women look for love and find sex.

You would never sleep with someone you weren’t interested in.

We will. Gladly.

Until you GET this, until you truly EMBRACE the fact that we think with our penises and allow our brains to catch up weeks later, you’re ALWAYS going to be surprised at the “disconnect” between men’s words and their actions.

Our words are designed to charm you and make you feel comfortable.

Our actions reveal whether there’s any deeper intentions behind our words.

So again, the only way you can tell if a guy is sincere is by WHAT KIND OF EFFORT HE MAKES FOR YOU AFTER YOU GO OUT.

Not if he told you he loves you, not if he slept with you.

Only if he calls you the next day to make another date can you be really sure.

And if you want to be positive that a guy won’t sleep with you unless he’s serious about you, then don’t sleep with him until he’s given you a commitment. You’ll have a lot less sex, but a lot less heartbreak as well.

12
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Comments:

  1. 61
    jessica

    LADIES -stop saying you can have “casual” sex.  Or booty calls…it is total denial. Even if you barely like a guy, the minute you get intimate you will catch feelings…end of story.  You will feel badly if you know he is with other women, you will feel used if he only wants your body, and you will resent his treatment of you soon after… THERE IS NO exact rule (wait 90 days, wait 30, wait til marriage…) Wait til you feel like the guy is good enough a person to have you.  But know, people can be actors (or confused) and even if you wait, and do all the right things…it STILL may not work out.  But KNOW 100% if you sleep with him before you get to know one another — you will NEVER have anything. (Except for rare occcasions, I mean never say never right)  But wait tooooo long, like the guy, have bad sex— whats worse than that?  Right.  So i am not waiting three months to fall for someone and then find out our sexual chemistry is horrible.  I will also never sleep with a guy on the first few dates (I mean AT LEAST 6… 7, 8-10 best) This SHOULD occur within 4-6 weeks.  8 at the MOST… but he could flip a switch.  Happens all the time.  But its better to feel like it is all his fault it did not work out, than yours right?

  2. 62
    Fusee

    There will never be any hard core guarantee. After all, if men (and women) can disappear on their spouse after 20+ years of marriage, they an disappear after a few dates. He can change his mind, he can lose your number, hey he can even die at the wrong time…
     
    The closest you can get from a guarantee is being so special, so interesting, so loving, and having the man like you so much, that there will pretty much be no chance that he will not want to see you again ASAP. If before you become sexually intimate, he knows how amazing you are, he desires to get to know you better, he feels great around you, and he finds himself emtionally connected to you, why – oh why – would he disappear after sharing a sexual connection, or after a few dates for that matter?
     
    Therefore, make sure to be that special, interesting, and loving woman. Make sure he feels emotionally connected. Make sure these feelings develop QUICKLY – over the first few dates – so that sex does not need to be postponed for too long. This is YOUR responsability as a woman.

  3. 63
    m

    @Sayanta31 – I’m not sure if you’re still following this thread, and I’m not sure either if you’re still looking or where you live, but I was at a gallery exhibition last night, the place was packed, and I left having given my info to not one but four charming single men.  Gallery things have changed (especially when it’s a group show and the presenting artists are there) — you may want to try again.

  4. 64
    judy

    Karl 28 – love it and love Evan’s honesty.
    Yes, some women are capable of having sex without love it’s true.  And some men are not capable of having sex without love.
    Dating can be fun if it’s done with a light spirit.
    He is not obliged to have a LTR (wow! I’m learning the lingo finally!) if he doesn’t want one.
    If you want a LTR, then go slowly.  You might lose him as well by the way, if you wait too long (it’s called,the law of universal vexation!)
    I think you have to be honest with yourself.  You want sex you have it if he wants it too and if you don’t want sex, you don’t.
    No guarantee that if you have it, or you don’t, he’ll still be around, and you can change your mind as well, can’t you??????

  5. 65
    MelB

    I’ve read 2, what seem to be contradicting articles.  First article is about rules to dating and when to have sex and then this one about calling after sex. In the article it mentioned having sex when you have established that the guy is interested in you and not just sex.  This one is about the phone call.  I’m completely beside myself with understanding.  In my situation, it is very apparent he was/is interested in me as a person.  In fact, we talked everyday since our first date, we ended up going out again, completely non traditional style date.  And neither one of us has any intention of sleeping together (non intention was very evident) but somehow we found ourselves after a couple of hours of conversation having sex.  In fact, I stayed over, but for me now I’m analyzing, whether he will call and when.  but like the first article that I read from this blog, if he was going to call, he will do it regardless of sex or not.  If the man or woman, likes you, sex is just going to help with the whole compatibility thing, there shouldn’t be this stigma that it’s negative or positive.  It should just be.  Every situation is different and we are analyzing too much, especially me right now.  
     

  6. 66
    Bekah

    I don’t know why I had to wait until 36 to realize this, but I need to take responsibility for my happiness, for my emotions, for my stability. I actually think these things are a big part of the problem for women being disappointed by men they are dating. We expect these men to give us something that we are supposed to already have. I absolutely love Evan’s advice…….and I am positive that he is rigjt. I think women would be a lot happier if we just lived in the moment, didn’t give any part of ourselves away until we were ready to give it, and just waited to see things progress…..or not…only one man is going to be the right one. That does not make all of the other ones bad. I just need to be in control of my own pace. Thanks Evan.

  7. 67
    hunter

    @66,

    ……Bravo!!…(applause)…Bravo!!…..

  8. 68
    Babs

    Both men and women can behave like this. I have dated 3 to 4 guys at once and was not looking for a relationship, just a good time. A few guys I was with woke up the next day and thought we were in a relationship, when I was just having fun. The key to them calling you and asking you out again, is to make sure that they see you as someone who is having fun. The guys I was with wanted me to commit to them, mostly because I didn’t have any expectations from them. At least that is what I think. They all called back the next day asking when they could see me agin, even though we had sex sometimes right away, 1st or 2nd date….

  9. 69
    Wilson

    I agree with most of your points. What ladies should know is that, NOT all guys play around. Some of us have good intensions.

    What ladies should know is that, NOT all guys play around. Some of us have good intensions.

  10. 70
    Hello

    Hello ::
     
     
    I think thats not true ; everyone before being man or women we are human ; that guy who is speaking in the letter or whatever and there is a lot like that in this world I’m sorry they are not human and they do not even know what does humanity and what does gender and sex mean they are right they just do what they’re needing sex say and that mean no mind so that mean no human but please common do not force people to think that male are human and women are stupid i do not know what the hell they are forcing people to think about each gender  and make a popular third world believe  ; Mostly Love sex and need sex no matters women or men but we should not act like two dog who is crossing street and do sex and continue their way cause we are human thats my opinion and in my opinion that letter is true for that two boy or girl maybe but not general at all 

  11. 71
    Hello

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    Hello ::
     
     
    I think thats not true ; everyone before being man or women we are human ; that guy who is speaking in the letter or whatever and there is a lot like that in this world I’m sorry but in my  opinion::
    they  are not human and they do not even know what does humanity and what does gender and sex mean they are right they just do what they’re needing sex say and that mean no mind so that mean no human but please common do not force people to think that male are not human and women are stupid i do not know what the hell they are forcing people to think about each gender  and make a popular third world believe  ; Mostly Love sex and need sex no matters women or men but we should not act like two dog who is crossing street and do sex and continue their way cause we are human thats my opinion and in my opinion that letter is true for that two boy or girl maybe but not general at all 
     

  12. 72
    Lady K

    Enjoyed reading this post.
    I think I have the answer…I let a man know that I didn’t want a relationship with him, assuming after we’d been very sexual spoken on texts etc that he was looking for the same thing, anyway after a really good session, i said I was going home and he didn’t look happy, explained I couldn’t stay due to my dog and so on, he said YOU ARE NOT USING ME FOR SEX NO WAY. So, I think that’s the reason a lot won’t go for friends with benefits as they want you to want them more than that. But then when you want more from them they start acting all stupid and commitment phobic.
    I dated a fair few men from Eharmony and the men on there are terrible, some are not over their ex’s as they talk about them a lot, others just want an analogy of how great you think they are and most of all, they are nothing like what they have made out to be. 
    So, tried online dating and won’t be doing it again. No point, feel my time is being wasted. 

  13. 73
    NIKKI

    Done that! Only slept with men who gave a committment. It really does not take much for some guys to committ to you and even marry you only to abandon you or break up a few days after having sex anyway. There are thousands of abandoned brides in India, for example, who have totally married their husbands when they came for vacation and then they fleed abroad a few months later and they never saw them again. 
    And you may say you should know a guy fir at least a year, two years, whatever number of years…guess what? Time does not matter for men either. He can just pack up his bags and suddenly vanish after 3 year relationship or 10 years of happy marriage without any reason or explanation.

    1. 73.1
      hunter

      ..nikki,
      I agree with you, men either walk away, or they get carried out in a coffin…

  14. 74
    Kathy

    I can’t not stand all these stipulations around dating and sex. I don’t ever hear about how a man should think like a lady and act like a man. I’m so tired of all the theory’s on how we should accommodate a man and act a certain way in order to get one. Personally I just act like myself and that’s the way it should be. Your dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. Men will call regardless of this stupid game we play if he is interested in you. I will not accommodate a guy because all the men I ran into thus far with plenty of experience in dating and sex it all leads to that one thing…there egos. Men take things the wrong way always thinking we are desperate women trying to trap them in a relationship. I have better things to do with my time than to think like a man. I’m a woman and I’m proud of it do not I will not accommodate their egos. If you want to have sex have sex, if you want to enjoy their company enjoy it but please for the love of god stop analyzing every situation….it makes my eyes twitch

  15. 75
    KT

    I am a woman and look for sex first mostly because it’s easier.  As far as an LTR goes, if a guy wants to have sex straightaway (i.e. first night) I go there but never consider him for an LTR.  His value diminishes v quickly… I haven’t met any other woman that thinks like me. 

  16. 76
    Jessica

    I am completely naïve everytime when it comes to dating.  Never fails, and I really wouldn’t want to change that about myself.  However, I have found the best way to avoid heartbreak is to date (not sleep with) 2-3 guys at once, give them space when they need it and for Pete’s sake, if you haven’t had “the talk” about commitment than you should be out looking for somebody else.  He’s not committed, your not committed!!  Good luck!

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