Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?

Okay, Evan, I agree mostly with your opinion on younger men/older women. What do you say about the reverse? I mean, I can see why an older man would want to date a younger woman – physically that is, but why would a 28-year-old woman want to date a man 45 or more?

Penelope

Dear Penelope,

Beats the shit out of me.

I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships. Time creates wisdom – but it also creates responsibilities and complications – mortgage, kids, career, etc. All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older. It’s a lot easier for a man to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, wrinkle free 28-year-old, which is why so many men try to go in that direction. I’m not condoning this. I’m OBSERVING that it happens.

Still, most of them fail miserably, for the exact same reasons that I think Penelope is suggesting. Men want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER?

Not many, I’m thinking.

Before any 40+ people get all hot and bothered about this – I am not judging you. There is nothing wrong with aging. I do think people improve with age (my 38-year-old girlfriend is nodding). But let’s not pretend that we, as a culture, don’t worship at the altar of youth. If you’re over the age of 40 and have ever said, “But I’m told I look five years younger than my age”, then you’re not immune to it yourself. But see, for men who covet younger women, it’s not whether you look good for your age – it’s what age you really are.

She doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40.

Because it’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. And nobody has more choices than a 28-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go on Match.com, and wade through a few thousand applicants. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s sexually peaking at 43.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world – to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood – that could make sense.

There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.

And yet, they probably resemble Penelope’s dad more than they resemble her brother….

This is the most compelling reason behind why younger women might go for older men: they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess – the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.

Most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive.

Hey, I’m no psychologist – just your friendly, neighborhood http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/. But I do know women, and lots of women in their 20’s. And the truth is that most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive. These women were born in the EIGHTIES. They grew up with computers. They’re contemporaries with Britney Spears. Whether we like it or not, there is nearly a full generation gap between 28 and 45. A few women may bridge this gap for lust or money or dimestore psychological reasons, but most of the women I know would prefer to date a great, stable 30-40 year-old – who also knows who Limp Bizkit is.

Okay, older men – tell me why I’m wrong. But don’t forget, you and your younger girlfriends are the EXCEPTION. I’m writing about the RULE.

By the way, my girlfriend wants it on record that she would totally sleep with Harrison Ford if he should be reading this. So as a gift to both of them: Sure, why not? Happy 66th, Indy!

 

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Selena

    When I was in my late 30’s I became involved with someone 15 yrs. older. The age difference did not seem especially significant during the 5 yrs we were together. Now in my mid 40’s though, the idea of dating someone in their 60’s does seem like a big difference in terms of where we each are in life.

    Harrison Ford being an exception for me as well though, I have to say. (He’s really 66? Wow!)

    1. 1.1
      Alex

      Selena,

      great to hear you feel that way. Helps with my heart ache.
      And yes, I agree, Harrison Ford is the exception. :)..
      And I think I have come to the conclusion, I rather stick to my age now..when I am 50, I won’t be dating a man in his 30s…but I can now..

  2. 2
    JerseyGirl

    I’m in my 20s and I don’t find Harrison Ford attractive at all.

    1. 2.1
      Babs

      @#2 JerseyGirl, I don’t know what you are talking about, he is Han Solo and Indiana Jones.

      1. 2.1.1
        Henriette

        No, @Babs; he WAS Hans Solo and Indiana Jones. Now he’s just a wealthy 60-something who looks good for his age.

  3. 3
    Camilla

    Similar to Selena, I met my husband when I was 35 and he was 47. At the time, the 12 years was a non-issue. Fast forward to me hitting my prime at 41, and him slowing down at 53…and it DID become a problem. He stopped wanting to travel and have fun with me. Didn’t attend important work events for me (like I had with him.) And frankly, he started aging really fast. He started looking 60, whereas he looked younger than his age when we met. We became incompatible, now divorcing.

    So like Evan is saying, the age gap may not SEEM like a problem when you’re both still young-ish. But it might be a problem later. I don’t recommend more than a 7 year difference, max.

    1. 3.1
      Bob

      … started slowing down at 53 … WOW, Camilla, sometimes things don’t work out … but sometimes they can.
      I am a 53 year old man, and am working up to compete in my first Olympic length triathlon, next year. Yes, I have to work harder to achieve my goals than a 30 year old, but I still can achieve them.
      I plan to travel and have fun, and if someone 20 years my junior, who is amazingly intelligent (AND still liked my) was wanting to have a family, I am willing to negotiate terms and conditions.

      1. 3.1.1
        Andréas

        well, i am 57 y.o Peter Pan …. Italian well walking around the word since 18 …. got a partner much more younger ….i understand where are you coming from …..but it is hard work….very hard after 50 stay in the life game !! you always walk on the rasoir blade line !!! good luck take care

      2. 3.1.2
        Alba

        Hi Bob, 
        I like Camila am filing for legal separation due to lack of performance of my 52 year old husband. He does not like to enjoy life not have the time since his demanding job take most of the time. If he is not tire or taking s nap recovering from his 16 to 17 hours days of work, therefore is not the age that make them old and boring but their  goals and desites. If they don’t want to enjoy life like you there is no way. Ithis not about age, it is about the desire to enjoy life st the fullest. Seems that you are doing just find and if you find that special young gal to be with you why not? Good luck! 

        1. B

          maybe you should learn to please him then I’m certain he would find a reason to cut his hours …..he put in all that time to give you things you wanted……

          honest to god truth is number one reason for divorce is the woman does not please the man sexually

          seriously every man except a very few will say no to sex ever…. 

          i think it might be that you think that he is supposed to please you and his needs don’t matter to you i can see that in the words you used all through your post.
          I mean my god how could any woman let her man work that many hours without telling the guy that the kids can pay for their own college and all that sort
          that guy is working that kind of hours why…… 

    2. 3.2
      marymary

      Yep, I’m the older one in our relationship and while I look and feel older than we first met he is the same. I am getting older faster than he is. If x is 30 and y is 45 that’s not too bad, but 70 and 55 seems a big difference, 70 and 85 not so much (if you make it). So it varies by lifestage.
      I wouldn’t recommend a younger person just for the sake of it. If you happen to meet someone and get on very well and fall in love (as we did) then it may be worth navigating the obstacles. Otherwise, life is easier if you’re within ten years of each other I think.

  4. 4
    vino

    Oh boy is this one interesting. Some choice quotes from Evan’s answer”

    “Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood that could make sense.”

    “There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.”

    ” . . .they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.”

    So I break this down into 2 basic reasons women go for older guys.

    1. Material reasons
    2. Daddy issues

    Materially, Evan said it well – “He’s got the job and the home and the car . . ” and “They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts.”

    Daddy issues – I’d venture to say that I think both extremes apply here. Evan wrote, “… treats her like a princess the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.” I’d say that I’ve run into just as many daddy issues with girls who WERE treated like princesses by daddy.

    No matter which reason(s) applies, it’s the same thing in effect. She wants to be treated like a child. She wants to be immature.

    1. 4.1
      tawntawnee

      My father treated me very well lots of love from him I wouldn’t say my dad treated me like a princess but I’m 24 my boyfriend is 53 we been going for three yes and still going sstrong he is one of the best men I have ever been with he has money to pay pills and food and every other weekend we go out so I’m surely not dating him for money but more for we have a lot in common he has a wonder full personality and we have fun with eachother so maybe I like him for him not his age I sometimes for get he is 53 

  5. 5
    vino

    “And frankly, he started aging really fast. He started looking 60, whereas he looked younger than his age when we met. ”

    I have to remember this one.

  6. 6
    Steve

    Most unflattering reasons, but likely true as “the rule” :

    younger women being attracted to older men
    1. “Daddy” issues
    2. Material issues

    younger men being attracted to older women
    1. “Mommy” issues
    2. Faster, easier, sex

    women and men wanting to date/mate younger:
    1. recapture fading youth
    2. more immature than their chronological counterparts
    3. wants a partner more easily controlled
    4. an ego stroke, arm candy, a trophy partner
    5. can’t handle someone their own age

    Despite all of those unflattering dime store( a very “dating” remark…..amend that..to “dollar store”) reasons, sometimes these various pairings happen only because the two people involved have a genuine appreciation of each other.

    1. 6.1
      Sherry

      I think you have a great point.  But I have to add older men are better in bed too….I was 23 and my ex was 36…and yes he robbed the cruddle.  He wanted to mold me to what he wanted…the only trouble there is, I did grow up. As for daddy issues. My dad was never around at my young age….I seriously had more fun with my ex. I tried dating younger men my age but they didn’t want a serious relationship….commitment phobics.   Lol.  Damn if you do, and damn if you don’t….lol

      1. 6.1.1
        Paula

        Bingo! And the young shall grow. And sherry, 36 was old for you but he could perform, fast forward 10 years and you probably won’t say the same.

    2. 6.2
      Steven

      On the latter one of older seeking younger ad #6. want a family that someone of my own age can’t or unlikely to be able to do.
       

      1. 6.2.1
        Paula

        And whose doing is that? So like Evan is saying, the age gap may not SEEM like a problem when you’re both still young-ish. But it might be a problem later. I don’t recommend more than a 7 year difference, max.

    3. 6.3
      Paula

      you wish. It’s not natural. And yes you can appreciate your dad.keep dreaming, nothing wrong with. Even if it starts out that way, the youngin will grow and realize the folly of youth. Once she starts getting older, she’s gonna want someone that keeps her young. Better make sure she has no financial assets to take care of herself. If you are very rich, she will still leave you and collect alimony. If you are poor, she won’t marry you to begin With. People can find others their own age to appreciate. Unless you are a movie star or famous person, keep dreaming. Appreciation is not a reason to get married.

    4. 6.4
      tawn

      I’m 24 my man is 53 been together 3 years and still going strong he doesn’t have tons of money enough to pay bill s and and food in our mouth and once and a wile go town town he has his own place but I have a wonderfull father who always showed me love and took good care of me so it isn’t daddy issues for me i dont date this older man for his money cause he doesn’t have much I am cause I liked him his personality his everything :)

  7. 7
    Sarah G

    The longest, best romantic relationship I ever had was with a much older guy. I knew he was older, but I didn’t know how much older. When I found out I was shocked b/c it was a LOT older. All that said, we were very much in love and it felt like we were equals. I know that people looked at us and thought things — esp. b/c he’s highly successful in our field (he’s won several of one of the big 3 awards, shall we say) and I was a rank beginner. (Well, not rank.) But even there, I didn’t feel that we were mismatched b/c he was successful and I was starting out — it was more that we were in different places in our careers. And, it turns out, in our lives. He had done a lot of the things that I still needed to do to feel like I’d lived (marriage, a kid, real estate, career success — though I can skip the multiple divorce part, thanks). But we never talked about that stuff — we were just into each other and our work together. And when I started to talk about a LIFE together he started to lie (actually, he was lying from the beginning) — he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t want to build anything with me. I could still be his perma-girlfriend today, had I wanted that spot, and be meeting the people and going to the “events.” And I’m telling you, it was great interpersonally with this guy, but I had to leave and have nothing to do with him, even though it meant taking many steps backwards professionally. (I’m kinda proud in my work, so that actually felt like a relief.) And now I’m fine and dating guys who don’t raise eyebrows when we’re out together. It isn’t the rush it was being with this guy, and maybe it does feel like settling. But it also feels like peace and happiness.

    I do know many successful May-December couples. The woman is most often the younger, but not always. In that particular situation it’s really hard b/c the guy starts losing his health a few decades before the woman will, and so she’ll (most likely) have to see him through his illness and death and then (possibly) be alone for a very long time. And if you are marrying a guy for his “stability” — meaning, you may be attracted to him to fill in some gaps in your own abilities — well, unless you learn in your time with him how to manage a portfolio and deal with all of the stuff that comes with settling an estate, that “stability” may not seem like such a gift.

    OK. Gotta get off the internet. My eHarmony guy is gonna call in a few. He’s 3 years older than I am. Not as exciting as Award Man, but very funny, nice.

  8. 8
    Lance

    Older guys: higher social value. More money, more real estate, knowledge, culture, wisdom, well traveled, higher social/emotional intelligence. I totally buy younger women going for older men. See it all the time.

    I’ve got a question. Let’s say a 28 year old goes out with a 45 year old VRD (very rich dude). They only plan on being together for 15 years, give or take. Basically a really long LTR or a planned mid-term marriage. Does anyone have a problem with this? I don’t. He gets what he wants (fantasies fulfilled, feels younger, arm candy, whatever), and she gets what she wants that is, a comfortable life.

    1. 8.1
      Paula

      Lance, the only problem is at 60, the old guy will not let the 43 year old go. He can’t find another 40 year old but she can. See where I’m going with this? Can she, yes she can but she has to be wise.

      1. 8.1.1
        Bob

        … can’t find another 40 year old … One small fact that most people overlook – although many deny it, but there actually is a shortage of men suitable to marry. I am 53 and am on friendly terms with several women in their 40s, who are keenly looking for someone to settle down with. There are few single men out there who are economically viable, and who have got their act together. BUT there are plenty of women, desperately lonely, and will do almost everything to have someone love and care for them. There are many more 40 year old women than there are 40 year old men.

      2. 8.1.2
        Richard

        Have you seen what some 50 year old women look like these days. They make 20 year olds envious!!

      3. 8.1.3
        Martin

        I’m 45 and my fiancé just turned 27..we’re happily in love , I don’t see anything wrong with it, she is pretty hot and beautiful..I was married for 23 yrs before i found out my wife was cheating, I got divorced, then I met her, her family loves me..not once did her family or mine question our relationship. .the way I see it, people are going to talk shit whether she’s 27 or 45..my kids like her, that’s all that matters..life is too short to worry about, what anybody thinks..happiness is hard to find and we found it in each other, as long as there is love, trust and communication.. we will be together for a long long time..

    2. 8.2
      Al

      Well, if the woman thinks ahead, she’ll see the problem with this. When the relationship ends she’ll be 43 and hitting the same problems the rest of us are finding relationships at that age.

      Our healthy, vibrant 40 something peers all want women in their 20’s and 30’s, NOT us. We’re stuck with much younger and much older men being the only ones showing interest. The younger men just want sex. So, here you are, a woman in your 40’s. You still look good and feel young, but the only men who want a real relationship with you are over 55.

      You know that if you get involved with a man more than ten years older you’ll be facing what some of the other posters are complaining about here, their men are suddenly aging quickly and they are stuck with a “patient” rather than a “partner.” 

  9. 9
    starthrower68

    Oh I can related to that “being with an older guy is a rush thing”. I briefly – very briefly – dated a 50 year old. He just knocked my socks off. Obviously it didn’t work out, and there were other incompatibilities, but yah, this guy still had it!

  10. 10
    vino

    Lance wrote: “I’ve got a question. Let’s say a 28 year old goes out with a 45 year old VRD (very rich dude). They only plan on being together for 15 years, give or take. Basically a really long LTR or a planned mid-term marriage. Does anyone have a problem with this? I don’t. He gets what he wants (fantasies fulfilled, feels younger, arm candy, whatever), and she gets what she wants that is, a comfortable life.”

    Do THEY jointly plan on being together for 15 years? Or does She? I ask because the VRD can live like Hef (cialis, viagra). What’s the payout to her?

    No offense, still sounds like legalized prostitution.

    Wait, isn’t that much of what it is anyway?

  11. 11
    Sarah G

    And don’t forget events, Lance. The grown-up events are very nice, and not something that a young guy can bring you to. It’s hard for me now to go to hipster events where people have been throwing up on the steps outside.

  12. 12
    A-L

    My family background has made me naturally drawn toward older people (friends and romantic interests alike). My siblings are all between 10-17 years older than me, my dad is 10 years older than my mom, my grandfather was 12 years older than my grandmother…for us it’s kind of the norm. Granted the 10-12 year age difference isn’t 17-25+, but it’s greater than average.

    My interests have also tended to be “older” for my age. I’ve never been into the bar/club scene, can count on one hand the number of concerts by artists with a younger fan base, and enjoy the opera, symphonies, museums, etc, that generally tend to have an older audience.

    I have noticed, though, that as I’ve gotten older that I’m less inclined to consider a relationship where there is a much larger age gap. In my early adult years I would have considered dating someone 20 years older than me, but now that’s down to about 10-12 years. Perhaps the fact that guys closer to my age are finally maturing has something to do with it. I’m also interested in some activities (like skydiving or whitewater rafting) that guys above a certain age have zero interest in, so that’s also helping to keep the age difference to one that’s fairly minimal.

    And lastly, in regards to the sugar daddy (or rich older man) phenomeon. Not necessarily the case. I’m currently deliberating over a guy who’s far older than he looks (he looks 10 years younger), who’s sweet as can be, and is the best looking man I’ve seen in years (not just seen romantically, but seen in real life anywhere). Financially though, I suspect I have far more assets. I own my home, and wouldn’t be surprised if earn twice what he does. And though I know the golddigger comments are going to be coming out, that is a concern as he is 17 years older than me (and hence should be that much further along financially) and I’m not earning the executive salaries that the men on this board often comment about. But he’s still very tempting…

  13. 13
    A-L

    Y’all can keep Harrison Ford, I want Robert Redford! Though I also know more than a few young ladies with a thing for Sean Connery…

  14. 14
    Sarah G

    Hmm. I can’t think of any older actors who really do it for me. But this topic is curious b/c just today I read that Adrienne Barbeau is with Billy Van Zandt (she’s about 12 years older); and Barbara Hershey is with that stunner Naveen Andrews from “Lost” (she’s 21 years older); and I don’t know if any of you have seen Kim Basinger lately, but she is an incredible-looking 50-something (for any age, really), and I’m sure that there is many a young guy who’d park his horse in her stable. (I believe she is an animal lover.) These days a lot of women are holding onto their hotness. It’s a nice trend. :)

  15. 15
    Sarah G

    Prostitution is very quid pro quo, Vino. A relationship isn’t because you have feelings for each other. Would each have the same feelings if he were an old loser and she were a young ugly thing? Maybe. But they probably wouldn’t be attracted to each other long enough to find out. Relationship currency isn’t like REAL currency. It’s just what you offer, materially yes, but in other ways, too. Really, the insult is to the guy in the “prostitution” idea you are putting forth — money is all he has to offer and he’s so out of touch emotionally that he would think that someone who is using him really cares about him? I don’t think men are that stupid.

    1. 15.1
      paula

      Yep, that is what it boils down to and that’s why it’s so common in 3rd world countries. It is not normal to fall in love with someone who looks like your dad. But if he promises security, you might take him on the offer. That’s a transaction , period. I admit you might grow to care for such a person but chances are he chose the inexperienced girl to manipulate. When she grows up, game over. Some will even get you working 16 hours straight overnight hours whilst they sleep with their pot bellies hanging out. man I’m mad

    2. 15.2
      Paula

      nicely said Sarah G.

    3. 15.3
      Al

      What you’re failing to realize here is that HE is using HER just as much as she is using him. In the situation you’ve laid out the man is only interested in the younger woman because she is pretty. He doesn’t give a crap about her as a whole person.

  16. 16
    vino

    “Prostitution is very quid pro quo, Vino.”

    It’s good of you to admit it. I’ll remember that next time someone demands that men pay for everything.

    Also, you seem to ignore the premise that Lance set forth, upon which I based my comment.

    “It’s just what you offer, materially yes, but in other ways, too. Really, the insult is to the guy in the prostitution idea you are putting forth money is all he has to offer and he’s so out of touch emotionally that he would think that someone who is using him really cares about him? I don’t think men are that stupid.”

    What does SHE offer? What other ways? See this link http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-does-my-boyfriend-want-less-sex-than-me/#comment-6810. Deathslayer writes yet another priceless post. It’s too long to quote fully here, but it is on point. A choice quote or 2, so people can link over…

    If you women no longer have vaginas, how would you
    keep your man happy?.

    Man you could hear a pin drop…”

    “He said something like this. What’s wrong with you? You could have said, learn to play pool, take him to a sports game, or boating. There were a ton of things you could have done to be with your man and make him happy. But the only way all you women could define yourselves was as three holes and nothing else.

    “They wanted women for those things money CAN’T buy, love, respect, a warm home to come home to, their own children and a good woman to raise them.”

    Many guys 45 & up are not that out of touch emotionally aren’t that out of touch. You are right. They are not that stupid. They just accept it as the cost of admission, like paying a membership fee to join a country club or a cover charge to enter a night club. It’s not an insult to the guy in the ‘prostitution’ idea, just a realistic statement of the nature of the situation.

  17. 17
    Selena

    Along with the possible reasons Evan cited for a younger woman seeking out an older man is also that women in their 20’s-early 30’s may have tired of the young men in their age bracket who treat sex, relationships as sport, conquests and are looking for something more substantial and lasting.

    Older women appreciate younger men for the same reasons older men appreciate younger women. Younger men are more likely to have a flat stomach and all their hair. Also, regarding the perception that women over 40 are “hard”–‘some’ men over 40 are quite rigid in their expectations and ‘some’ of them are so bitter you wonder why they are dating in the first place. Perhaps to get back to that time of life when sex and relationships were merely sport and conquests?

    Those observations aside, we still do tend to find someone we really connect with when we’re truly open to it. At any age.

  18. 18
    Selena

    JersyGirl-
    Harrison Ford is not of my generation, but he popped into my generation’s attention in the first “Star Wars” movie when he was in his 30’s and my girlfriends and I were in our teens. It’s been a pleasure to watch him over the last 30 yrs. He’s aged remarkably well.

    Is there an entertainment star you admire (or did as a teen) who is 12 or more yrs. your senior? If so, it might amuse you in the coming decades to see how well THEY age.

  19. 19
    Michael Ejercito

    Evan,

    How would being divorced with a kid appeal to younger women who are neither divorced nor have a kid?

    1. 19.1
      Olya

      My husband was divorced with a kid when I met him. Love knows no stopping- I loved his little girl like the continuation of him…

  20. 20
    Steve


    Selena Apr 8th 2008 at 02:13 am 17
    some men over 40 are quite rigid in their expectations and some of them are so bitter you wonder why they are dating in the first place.

    — or hanging out on dating blogs. Some of them are younger too.

  21. 21
    Paul

    The founder of E-Harmony says 6 years either way is about tops. I agree for a host of reasons. It’s a matter of sameness…the more you have the same, ie. background, education, culture, AGE… the more likely the relationship will survive long term. The more differences there are, the more you’ll have to get around. My Dad on the other hand married a woman 25 years younger than he and from a culture half way around the world…been married over 40 years and raised 2 kids. Go figure. The longer you live however, the less age diffference makes a difference. A 40 year old married to a 20 year old would raise some eyebrows. However an 80 year old with a 60 year old? No big deal. I frankly, as much as I’m attracted to the younger form, do not want a gal who is more concerned with things like child rearing if I’m more into retirement planning. Stage of life issues. As my Mom used to say, “find someone you have a lot in common with”.

  22. 22
    Selena

    Steve,
    Yes I’ve noticed that as well. Seems like a waste of time, but if you don’t have anything else to do…?

  23. 23
    Selena

    Paul,
    I disagree that age difference matters less with age. At age 60, many (most?) people are still quite active. At 80 that is much, much less the case–frailty is more the norm.

    The 20’s is an era of such personal change, usually more so than later decades so a relationship between a 20 yr. old and a 40 yr. old might prove difficult as the younger partner progresses through that decade. Person’s in their 30’s, 40’s, & 50’s are more likely to be in more complementary stages of life where differences in age might be mitigated by circumstances (ie: child-rearing, careers).

  24. 24
    dame4net

    Older guys definately have higher social value and are more mature. Fatter incomes, more assets, experience, wisdom, and well traveled and higher EQ, not mention more time as they likely work less or can take early retirement as they have more money. I see why younger women go for older men and I see it all the time online. These young women who are not ready to settle down and pick out older, mature men. Not to mention women are waiting longer these days to have children and families, so what is wrong with dating an older man for a few years before settling down?

  25. 25
    Steve

    Selena;

    About post #22. I agree that it is a waste of time. I’ve been in that kind of loop in my life before. You are so consumed with venting your emotions ( over and over again ) and so obsessed with getting other people to validate your experience that you don’t see that you are caught in an time wasting loop of fruitless repeated experiences. You don’t see that you aren’t moving forward.

    If you can’t see the problem, you can’t fix it.

    The problem isn’t that reality is unfair. It is unfair for everyone. People who are happy despite a given issue are happy because they work with reality as it is rather than demanding to be validated.

  26. 26
    Dittohd

    I think this is a really ridiculous topic. I can’t imagine why any younger woman would want an older man. In fact, assuming that women get smarter as they get older, why would any woman want an older man considering older men are so inherantly so unattractive? An older man as compared to a younger man is generally smarter, more financially secure, a more experienced lover and diaper changer. He’s more experienced at resolving child behavior problems, not so easily frazzled when most other problems in life arise, and better at knowing what women in general want and in communicating with his woman to ascertain what his woman actually wants… and possibly even more interested in providing his woman what she wants if she’s providing him what he wants from the relationship, than a younger man would in many cases.

    The things younger men have over older men seem to be more stamina in bed and a younger body. I can totally understand why, to most women, how these could totally overpower all the advantages previously mentioned older men generally have over younger men. I can totally understand why women would look down on all these properties of older men over the younger men’s advantages.

    What I totally don’t understand is the difference in their stage in life as mentioned before and how that should make much of a difference. Whether a woman stays home or works outside the home, both a man and woman most of the time spend most of their time separated, seeking differing individual goals in the individual work they do daily. Regardless of age, they still both eat and seek entertainment in between the time they aren’t working separately. They still, regardless of age, go to movies, attend entertainment venues that they have in common, take care of their pets and children, etc, etc. So if they determine that they have many similar interests, why would age make a difference considering men and women are, by nature, very different to begin with? Seems to me that any differences between an older man and younger woman are very often common among men and women of similar ages, considering that all men are different and all women are different. So why couldn’t younger women find older men who are very compatible with them?

    One more question. Considering that most marriages in this country end within a relatively short amount of time, is it possible that we are doing things wrong? I wonder which relationships actually last longer on average… couples who are within a few years of age or those with much wider differences in age. Would we be better off if all young women married much older men and then later in life when older, marry much younger men?

    Hmmmmmmmmmmm!

    1. 26.1
      Bob

      Sometimes, just sometimes, the woman listens to her body clock and actually wants to use her body the way it was built … to have a couple of babies. Their is a shortage of men who have the maturity and integrity to hang around to be the father for their children. So, when a woman finds a man who will, she just might … actually … jump at the chance, even if he actually is a little older than her father!

      Do-gooders say that she should do without … usually the do-gooders already have their own spouse and children, and demand that single women do without. Shame that the do-gooders do not have the integrity that the older man has ! 

    2. 26.2
      Peter51

      According to British census data, large age difference marriages in both directions last longer than small ones. About as many women chose to marry much younger men as choose much older men. The numbers are small compared to people who marry with a two year age gap (which has by far the highest 20 year divorce rate). My first wife was 5 years older than me my new one is 24 years younger. Age was immaterial both times. Now flak about child rearing that was a serious issue.

  27. 27
    Nina

    I’m 27 and I find older men incredibly attractive. I had a crush on my father’s friend growing up and I still think he’s one of the most attractive older men I have ever met. The thing is, he was also smart and interesting. I think that is what attracts me to older men. They are so much more mature, interesting, and self aware than men my age. Most of the men my age I have met like to party. I don’t. They like to take pictures with as many hot looking girls as they can find and post them on facebook and myspace for everyone to see how cool that makes them. I’m not saying they’re all like that but I have met my share. In general I just think oder men have more to offer a woman than a 25-35 yr old does.

    1. 27.1
      N Johnson

      There are lots of exceptions.  Not all men are the average at say, 65 or so, as their peers.  So many men have never taken care of themselves and or have bad genes and are what most consider average or normal.  If one is and has been into physical activities all their life, that makes a big difference, unless they have fallen claim to things like diabetes, high blood pressure gone unchecked,  and all the things that can go wrong for either sex.  My GF just 2 years younger, and so wonderful a person and very attractive and sexual at 70, died from ALS.   She had no control over that.   Women want security and so they follow that.  But, they need all the good things that go with a relationship (Marriage) too.   Men want security too.

    2. 27.2
      Paula

      Nina,
      come back ten years from when you are 37 and tell me your dream man is a 55 year old. Ha! 

      1. 27.2.1
        Annabella

        Paula – Exactly! When I was 30; I dated men 10 years older than me thinking this was smart… Now I am 34 and like my man two years older… Men think they are so young at heart … Not so! They age quickly! Current bf is active and the intimacy is wayyy better than my plus 40 boyfriend; we are so compatibilitle! Not to mention, older bf liked his texting girlfriend on the side. No thanks…

    3. 27.3
      Kaya

      I agree completely!  love the interesting topics hes interested in how he understands and listens he has tons of crazy stories hes very self aware always puts others first. He mirrors my personality.sometimes I feel like a 45 year old in a 22 year old body. I dont fit in with my generation. Hes 58 and has lived  through things I would love to experiance. everyone my own age is mostly superficial and looking for a quick bang i have no time or patience for the drama of a young relationship I need understanding intelligence and knowing that he is capable of standing on his own two feet. I have my own life to worry about I dont need to be worrying about if my young boyfriend will finish school get a job and be able to support himself I got stuck supporting two imbeciles for about a year each definitely put my life on backtrack   (had three long term and it was miserable though i did learn alot about myself!) Neither of us were looking for each other we just happened to become good friends and it went from there. People may argue that having a family is near impossible for a such an age gap and maybe thas true but its not when you dont want one! Say what you may but i am a free spirit have plans for my own future and that does not consist of a youngin. I havnt the time. Thats 18+ years I could be working on my own dreams. Besides why would i make an innocent child suffer in this screwed up world that society has created. No thank you i dont like it here so im not going to make someone else suffer. Whether we have 5 years or if we have 30 years together  I know this connection is deep and worth it. For those who have Never loved unconditionally on a soul level will not understand nor will they be expected to understand. They are young souls who need to develop but I feel if you find someone who treats you well challenges your mind enjoys adventures and loves you for you what is stopping you from being together?  Nobody and nothing. Not only is he my “soul mate” he has also been my best friend since way before we were together and I am grateful for every moment we get to spend together confusing the heck out of people while we look deeply into each other knowing what we have is real and right.

  28. 28
    Lance

    @Nina: There you have it! Younger women like older guys because of their social value, and older guys like younger women because of their hotness and energy. Attraction in a nutshell.

    1. 28.1
      happymelanie

      I don’t think it’s true that women these days like men simply because of their social value. This is a harsh truth for many men to swallow, but looks are important. A guy can be wealthy and powerful, but I am not going to be sexually attracted to him if he is bald, old, goofy looking, or out of shape. I am happy with my wealth and position in society, so I don’t need his. I can understand how poor/powerless/insecure women go for such men out survival instincts, but is that what you really want? Plus, when much older men hit on me (purely because of my age), it just comes across as insecure and entitled, and that is a bigger turn off than the bald head and gut.
       
       

    2. 28.2
      Al

      Things is, at lot of that “social value” was established because women were at an economic disadvantage. Younger women leaned toward men with more stability, i.e., older men, because they HAD to. Now that the wage gap is closing and more women are establishing their own careers, you will see the same standards being applied to men that women have lived with all along. Looks, vitality, Youth, health. We like all those things in our men just as you men like them in us. Prepare to be judged by the standards you have been using to judge others. Once women can support themselves sufficiently without you do you think looks aren’t going to play a big role in who they choose to date? 

  29. 29
    Sarah G

    I’d put it this way — relationships that are only about sex are very boring. If a guy sees a woman as “only three holes” he is boring. You do not want to spend time with him in relationship — but it’s good to know there are guys like that out there if you need a booty call. They are easy. At some point guys figure this out and they become immensely attractive as life partners — because well, maybe women want both sex AND relationship. Until the young bucks figure this out, they are just not worth the time of day. Things that men can find in relationship with a woman besides the “three holes”: laughter, companionship, intelligence, warmth, comfort, a family, a partner in building wealth, a caregiver, an ally, a buddy, another driver on long road trips.

  30. 30
    Sarah G

    By figuring “this” out I meant that relationships that are only about sex are boring. That relationship can offer more than that.

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