Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?

Okay, Evan, I agree mostly with your opinion on younger men/older women. What do you say about the reverse? I mean, I can see why an older man would want to date a younger woman – physically that is, but why would a 28-year-old woman want to date a man 45 or more?

Penelope

Dear Penelope,

Beats the shit out of me.

I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships. Time creates wisdom – but it also creates responsibilities and complications – mortgage, kids, career, etc. All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older. It’s a lot easier for a man to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, wrinkle free 28-year-old, which is why so many men try to go in that direction. I’m not condoning this. I’m OBSERVING that it happens.

Still, most of them fail miserably, for the exact same reasons that I think Penelope is suggesting. Men want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER?

She doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40.

Not many, I’m thinking.

Before any 40+ people get all hot and bothered about this – I am not judging you. There is nothing wrong with aging. I do think people improve with age (my 38-year-old girlfriend is nodding). But let’s not pretend that we, as a culture, don’t worship at the altar of youth. If you’re over the age of 40 and have ever said, “But I’m told I look five years younger than my age”, then you’re not immune to it yourself. But see, for men who covet younger women, it’s not whether you look good for your age – it’s what age you really are.

Because it’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. And nobody has more choices than a 28-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go on Match.com, and wade through a few thousand applicants. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s sexually peaking at 43.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world – to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood – that could make sense.

Most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive.

There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.

And yet, they probably resemble Penelope’s dad more than they resemble her brother….

This is the most compelling reason behind why younger women might go for older men: they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess – the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.

Hey, I’m no psychologist – just your friendly, neighborhood http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/. But I do know women, and lots of women in their 20’s. And the truth is that most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive. These women were born in the EIGHTIES. They grew up with computers. They’re contemporaries with Britney Spears. Whether we like it or not, there is nearly a full generation gap between 28 and 45. A few women may bridge this gap for lust or money or dimestore psychological reasons, but most of the women I know would prefer to date a great, stable 30-40 year-old – who also knows who Limp Bizkit is.

Okay, older men – tell me why I’m wrong. But don’t forget, you and your younger girlfriends are the EXCEPTION. I’m writing about the RULE.

By the way, my girlfriend wants it on record that she would totally sleep with Harrison Ford if he should be reading this. So as a gift to both of them: Sure, why not? Happy 66th, Indy!

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Selena

    When I was in my late 30’s I became involved with someone 15 yrs. older. The age difference did not seem especially significant during the 5 yrs we were together. Now in my mid 40’s though, the idea of dating someone in their 60’s does seem like a big difference in terms of where we each are in life.

    Harrison Ford being an exception for me as well though, I have to say. (He’s really 66? Wow!)

    1. 1.1
      Alex

      Selena,

      great to hear you feel that way. Helps with my heart ache.
      And yes, I agree, Harrison Ford is the exception. :)..
      And I think I have come to the conclusion, I rather stick to my age now..when I am 50, I won’t be dating a man in his 30s…but I can now..

    2. 1.2
      Eric pepper

      I am 45 Just got married in June, 1st marriage, My wife is 22 Dated for two years no sex. I was kinda creeped out by age difference. But you, 15 year old baby and you in your 30’s! That’s sick! It took two years to see where her head was, she was 20 at the time. A 15 year old doesn’t know one damn thing about life and you robbed her of that.

      1. 1.2.1
        Tay

        you read that wrong…. They’re 30 dating someone 15 years older.. Calm down its ok.

      2. 1.2.2
        Ashley Purtuia

        I am 27 engaged to a 48 year old man. I can honestly say that when I first met him, I had no clue that he was his age…I knew he was legal because we worked together. Early to mid 30s yeah, but no one could have made me believe that this man was 46 (when we met that was his age). I love him dearly and he has been the best father to my children, and an even better man to me. 6 months into our relationship I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. My family was very much against him and I dating because of his age but in time they have grown to love and adore him just as much as I do. He told me that I was mature, and that he usually never goes for a woman my age but there was something about me that he wanted. I literally gave a coworker my number and told her that he was going to be mine. Sexually he is everything! My friends joke and ask have we ran out of Viagra yet, I would be horrified at what he would do to me ifnue ever took one of those. Our union is perfect and we have yet to have an issue about our age difference. I love him and would not trade him for anything in the world.

        1. Asha

          im 25 yrs old .im engaged to my sexy 42 year old guy ,the wedding is in a few months ,I have been with him for 30 months and it has been amazing ,all relationships has its rough times but over all we never quit on each other …I love him As much as he loves me and sexually he is fantastic ,can’t complain . He said to me once – as women we always ask …y ? And he says all “my life never have I met a woman that I can be myself with …never did he once get the feeling he needs to impress me with his money or lifestyle and I am happy…”

        2. Tom

          Ashley…that was totally sweet! You weren’t looking at age, but the quality of the man you love and your wonderful relationship together. Americans are so uptight about age and dating\relationships. There seems to be such a stigma concerning the latter. I’m currently dating a lady who is 30 and I am 58. This may sound corny but I feel we are soul mates. Never felt that way towards any woman I’ve ever met! We’re so, so much alike and enjoy each other’s company immensely. How sad for those who feel they have to meet society’s expectations and approval concerning relationships. It’s YOUR relationship!!

        3. Lisa

          Thank you for sharing. I met a gentleman who is 58 and I am 33. You story touched my heart.

      3. 1.2.3
        Tanya

        She said 15 years older.*

  2. 2
    JerseyGirl

    I’m in my 20s and I don’t find Harrison Ford attractive at all.

    1. 2.1
      Babs

      @#2 JerseyGirl, I don’t know what you are talking about, he is Han Solo and Indiana Jones.

      1. 2.1.1
        Henriette

        No, @Babs; he WAS Hans Solo and Indiana Jones. Now he’s just a wealthy 60-something who looks good for his age.

    2. 2.2
      Stacy

      I am 43 and I don’t find Harrison Ford attractive either, lol!

  3. 3
    Camilla

    Similar to Selena, I met my husband when I was 35 and he was 47. At the time, the 12 years was a non-issue. Fast forward to me hitting my prime at 41, and him slowing down at 53…and it DID become a problem. He stopped wanting to travel and have fun with me. Didn’t attend important work events for me (like I had with him.) And frankly, he started aging really fast. He started looking 60, whereas he looked younger than his age when we met. We became incompatible, now divorcing.

    So like Evan is saying, the age gap may not SEEM like a problem when you’re both still young-ish. But it might be a problem later. I don’t recommend more than a 7 year difference, max.

    1. 3.1
      Bob

      … started slowing down at 53 … WOW, Camilla, sometimes things don’t work out … but sometimes they can.
      I am a 53 year old man, and am working up to compete in my first Olympic length triathlon, next year. Yes, I have to work harder to achieve my goals than a 30 year old, but I still can achieve them.
      I plan to travel and have fun, and if someone 20 years my junior, who is amazingly intelligent (AND still liked my) was wanting to have a family, I am willing to negotiate terms and conditions.

      1. 3.1.1
        Andréas

        well, i am 57 y.o Peter Pan …. Italian well walking around the word since 18 …. got a partner much more younger ….i understand where are you coming from …..but it is hard work….very hard after 50 stay in the life game !! you always walk on the rasoir blade line !!! good luck take care

      2. 3.1.2
        Alba

        Hi Bob, 
        I like Camila am filing for legal separation due to lack of performance of my 52 year old husband. He does not like to enjoy life not have the time since his demanding job take most of the time. If he is not tire or taking s nap recovering from his 16 to 17 hours days of work, therefore is not the age that make them old and boring but their  goals and desites. If they don’t want to enjoy life like you there is no way. Ithis not about age, it is about the desire to enjoy life st the fullest. Seems that you are doing just find and if you find that special young gal to be with you why not? Good luck! 

        1. B

          maybe you should learn to please him then I’m certain he would find a reason to cut his hours …..he put in all that time to give you things you wanted……

          honest to god truth is number one reason for divorce is the woman does not please the man sexually

          seriously every man except a very few will say no to sex ever…. 

          i think it might be that you think that he is supposed to please you and his needs don’t matter to you i can see that in the words you used all through your post.
          I mean my god how could any woman let her man work that many hours without telling the guy that the kids can pay for their own college and all that sort
          that guy is working that kind of hours why…… 

        2. ramona

          Hay I an going trought a legal separation  right now,my husband was working 80-100hrs pr a week and when i tell him to slow down he told me that the reason why he is working this hard is because he want’s to retire early,but all along he was only working 8hrs pr a day the rest of the hrs he was spending it with a striper,so for the past 2 and a half years he was living a double life she is 30 years he is 50, she is hi matainence and his ass is so broke he can’t even aforde a lawyer.So I don’t know what he is going to do now because he can’t afford to keep her he was only getting what he was paying for and he had that at home,a good wife 2 loving dogs health benefites ,a lovely home with a big swimming pool,good food,he did noting I did everything for him.He was busy setting up house with her he cash in his 30 thousand dollors and pay down on a condo for her and he put it in her name how stupid is that.So ladies when your husbands treates you this way  don’t get angery or mad just put everything in God’s hands and only ask him to give you what he know’s is best for you,trust me he will,he did it for me and I am so happy for the first time in my life. Amen GOD IS A GOOD GOD HE NEVER LIKE’S UGLY.

        3. Douglas

          Wow divorcing due to lack of performance, It’s so lucky that when we get married that we don’t make any vows to each other like “For better of for worse” In sickness and in health” ” In good times and in bad times” ” Till death do us part”  I’m sure that when you got married you made at least some of those Promises ? your poor husband he probably thought he was marrying someone that would support him no matter what. Other than that if we can’t fulfill our vows and promises to each other then what is the point of marriage in the first place. Don’t do it or say or vow to your partner that I will love and support you for as long as I can, Least that’s honest.

      3. 3.1.3
        btown

        I’m dating a girl 18 years younger than me. I met her when I was 39 and she was 22. We’ve been together for 7 years now. She’s been deployed to Kuwait and is a has been a police officer  for the 7 years that I’ve know her. We love each other. I’ve been blessed with still in good physical shape, and I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle. No one is promised tomorrow. If you love someone, of age of course, then that’s all that really matters.

        1. Rani

          I thinks that’s true, l am dating a 52yr old guy and l’m 32,his the first ever man in my life who has appreciated me just the way l am, his a police officer and l’m a student nurse l like him so much , he treats me more than anyone had ever did, sex is great and he seems a descent guy, we’ve been dating for 9months and everything is great.But can l ask all guys over 50, would you cheat on your younger woman?

      4. 3.1.4
        Nico

        There you go Bob! You said it right! it doesn’t matter your age but what you want to do with your life at that point. I know men that are in their 30 and they don’t move from the couch after they come from work. Lazy “young men” :)). I’m 36 in a relationship with a 52 years old man and I can confirm…it’s the best choice i’ve made when I started dating him…he is more than a man of my age by far! Good luck to you and to all!!

    2. 3.2
      marymary

      Yep, I’m the older one in our relationship and while I look and feel older than we first met he is the same. I am getting older faster than he is. If x is 30 and y is 45 that’s not too bad, but 70 and 55 seems a big difference, 70 and 85 not so much (if you make it). So it varies by lifestage.
      I wouldn’t recommend a younger person just for the sake of it. If you happen to meet someone and get on very well and fall in love (as we did) then it may be worth navigating the obstacles. Otherwise, life is easier if you’re within ten years of each other I think.

      1. 3.2.1
        Josie

        Wow.  Studies I have read support a maximum 6 years either way being workable.

        I’d agree with you that if you are having second thoughts about that enormous age difference already, time to end it and meet someone age-appropriate.

    3. 3.3
      Dale Evans

      Hey as a 52 year old almost 53 who works out 6 days a week, which includes weight lifting and cardio; I think the issue with your husband is not his age it’s his health and his libido etc.  I am just as capable and willing in the bedroom as any 20 year old guy.  I may look about 42-44 but my physique is better then a lot of 20 something’s.
      im just saying your marital problems are a lot deeper then a number.  Also are you sure he’s not having an affair ?  

    4. 3.4
      Jake

      As a 52 year old guy, I think your problems are much deeper than the number! I’m in the best shape of my life, look like I’m 40, lift weights, run, swim and ski. I have a physique better than most 20 or 30 year old guys – – and have more stamina (and tenderness) in the bedroom than them, as well. Sounds like your guy has given up, which is a state of mind, not a matter of age. You should dump him, but don’t think it’s his age that’s the problem.

    5. 3.5
      Iloovatar

      I think YOUR husband might be the problem. Frankly, 8-12 years age difference is not a 15 or >20 years age difference. My uncles and aunts, from both paternal and maternal side, on an average have an age gap of 10 years between them. My grandparents had 14 years between them.

       

      In short, it depends on the people involved in the relationship. And since you are evidently complaining here, you should leave him rather than making blanket statements on what you “feel” is the maximum age gap.

       

       

       

    6. 3.6
      Lorraine

      This really helped me. I’ve been struggling emotionally with the unknown for over 3 years now. I love my guy so much and he is so good to me. Right now I cannot imagine falling out of love with him and the thought of it brings me to tears. I am 31 and he is 53. He still works out and is in great shape and I constantly worry about our future and taking the next step. But the incompatibility in a few years is something I may not be prepared for. I’m young and he is soon to be ready for retirement and Medicare and dentures within the next decade or so. Now the thought of that is not attractive. I know we should call the quits now to save the heartache and time but I am terrified because he is the only man that has ever conquered me. But maybe because he is older…

      1. 3.6.1
        geeta

        hello loraine .. life is to live happily … if you believe and really love your man .. do not fear to marry him .. sure you will not regret later dear

      2. 3.6.2
        Maria

        Hello Lorraine ,

        Hang in there, and if you love this man, stick with it.

        I been married for almost 23 years,  been with my husband for almost 28 years – he will be 58 in two days and I am 46. And we been together since, and yes we still love each other. I was 19 and he was 32 when we began to date.

        Good luck to you

        1. Celia

          Hi Lorraine,

          If you were single at 44, would you be just as happy to date/marry a 60 year old man about to retire?

          I am in that situation now and trying to determine whether it makes sense to continue or whether I should just break it off.

           

           

    7. 3.7
      Tad rude

      Hey yeah so heres a flip,

      Sorry this is in a reply,

      But yeah,

      15 year gap I’ve noticed my husband way slowing down already and we’re at different natural age stages of life. I was 25 him 40, now were 27 hes 42′

      15year age gap.

      Im super scared that if at him60 me 45 I’m lossing my prime and hell just fall into a sleep and im full of energy and he’ll not wanna or be even able,  & wanting to do anything that wont give him a stroke!! And be like. Sigh fine. Or see yah and yeah that was great, I experienced that by myself!!! Wait… Then why did.I get married to SHARE my life and life experiences… To do alone……sky diving hiking kyacking

      Then ill be widow at an older age and die with out that grow old togther cause he already died quite a bit before I was close to aging in.

      But now ill be a bit older and not get married again due to all the guys marrying ladies in their 20s or they’re just married or just gonna be  creepy and ill have a higher chance of being hit by a car ,

      and I wanted to grow old with my husband not live through a death of him and date a guy a bit untill I die.

      Just to loose your true love so quick

      I was a cna geriatrics and am concerned of our future to where he married his future caretaker and ill be left screwed with angry underpaid.helpers cause im.poor with no family….And withoutmy loving husband a hand to squeeze.

      I know thats all.horrible, but when we first.met I had nooooo idea he was that age attt alllll that age.

      Then we divorced got back together, and all I see is time waisted apart how sad it’ll be to watch him get to that tough end stage of life,

      Ill be there for him but hell not.be there for me.

      still. soooo deeply in.love but sooo angry he’s older than I thought just cause how I was a cna and help geriatric client’s ease into their.last seconds.the future feels painful and lonely

       

      and he’s trying so hard and struggling, is amazing passionate,

      But were youngish and yung.

      it’s like I’m in a waiting room I’m beginning world is your oyster stage and he has already had his oyster and needs to sit out so I’m going to wait .

      Gallll I lovelove love him he gets my heart but I’m sad at the truth of what happens.in the end how come I.couldn’t have a.man.I could grow.old with. I looove him.but. With what I said do i? Or am.I just depressed?? Perhaps crazy… Or honest. We alll die. But freaking crap I didnt want at allll to die that much earlier than my husband.

      Grow old together, not watch you grow hecka old slowly die while I slowly watch and grow a hurt back to now deal with alone and poor due to medication s and medical bills and funeral.

      start over a new relationship or spend the next 20years alone depressed my husband died so yung,

      rather old just quick do to age gap so.not.enough time.

      I wanted to be.old and wrinkly WITH him not, still mildly sleek and him in the grave it just hurts. Ive seen sooo many mourn the death of spouses , and

      now I get to out live by 20 thats honestly a lot

      but not at all,

      to restart a relationship, life and identify

      and the quality of life in those later years my goodness.

      I think being in the medical field had really really jaded me and I hope distorted my view. And this all crazy talk but.I’VE seen it all toooooo much I need a ray of light.

      Not to mention honestly are you as fast as you were when you were 20s as in 60? Orrrrr 70s vers 30?? Noooo the gap and body progression is real and when you hit 42 you age 6 months quicker every x amount. Don’t remember the exact fact but it’s real.

       

      DoHey yeah so heres a flip,

      Sorry this is in a reply,

      But yeah,

      15 year gap I’ve noticed my husband way slowing down already and we’re at different natural age stages of life. I was 25 him 40, now were 27 hes 42′

      15year age gap.

      Im super scared that if at him60 me 45 I’m lossing my prime and hell just fall into a sleep and im full of energy and he’ll not wanna or be even able,  & wanting to do anything that wont give him a stroke!!

      Then ill be widow at an older age and die with out that grow old togther cause he already died quite a bit before I was close to aging in.

      But now ill be a bit older and not get married again due to all the guys marrying ladies in their 20s or they’re just married or just gonna be  creepy and ill have a higher chance of being hit by a car ,

      and I wanted to grow old with my husband not live through a death of him and date a guy a bit untill I die.

      Just to loose your true love so quick

      I was a cna geriatrics and am concerned of our future to where he married his future caretaker and ill be left screwed.

      I know thats all.horrible, but when we first.met I had nooooo idea he was that age attt alllll that age.

      Then we divorced got back together, and all I see is time waisted apart how sad it’ll be to watch him get to that tough end stage of life,

      Ill be there for him but hell not.be there for me.

      still. soooo deeply in.love but sooo angry he’s older than I thought just cause how I was a cna and help geriatric client’s ease into their.last seconds.the future feels painful and lonely

       

      and he’s trying so hard and struggling, is amazing passionate,

      But were youngish and yung.

      it’s like I’m in a waiting room I’m beginning world is your oyster stage and he has already had his oyster and needs to sit out so I’m going to wait .

      Gallll I lovelove love him he gets my heart but I’m sad at the truth of what happens.in the end how come I.couldn’t have a.man.I could grow.old with.

      Personally,

      Do allllll the younger people a favor thats more than 7-8 years difference.

      find out how younger and JUST say no.

      BEFORE feelings adheres put up a boundaries out of love and respect of THEIR life. You already had your 20s why take another s cause when you 70 and theyre 55 thats a huge difference in those years especially.

      Your stealing years and hopes and dreams of the life of healthy age progression TOGETHER .

       

      I wish he would.have told me before I was tooooo deep in.

      He could have found.someone his age I could.have. Now im.stuck.With watching him.dye slowly or random and grieving alone and then maybe date wish it was my husband then die alone all wrinkly knowing he never saw me wrinkly. ): old hold my hand while im dying.

       

      Sorry I’ve had  sooooo many clients die , natural age progression or illnesses and cancers,

      and its saaaaaddd watching them mourn but not as well.

      theyre close to end slowly dying, and happy cause they have each other and knew it was close and are at peace but the ones who dies decade s before the other and also alone. Tragic. The pain is soooo real. And ask allllll the time why. And I ask why 15 years.

       

      Ghost of Mrs more,

      Didnt spell.it right but I looove my husband I’m just devastated currently of the truth of mortality and time and age stages on the human body.

      Sorry if miffed yahl

       

       

      1. 3.7.1
        Neo

        Well I’m 41 my husband is 63 and I don’t thin I’ll ever think of sleeping with another man other than him he is delicious. I love my husband and he adores me. Neo

  4. 4
    vino

    Oh boy is this one interesting. Some choice quotes from Evan’s answer”

    “Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood that could make sense.”

    “There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.”

    ” . . .they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.”

    So I break this down into 2 basic reasons women go for older guys.

    1. Material reasons
    2. Daddy issues

    Materially, Evan said it well – “He’s got the job and the home and the car . . ” and “They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts.”

    Daddy issues – I’d venture to say that I think both extremes apply here. Evan wrote, “… treats her like a princess the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.” I’d say that I’ve run into just as many daddy issues with girls who WERE treated like princesses by daddy.

    No matter which reason(s) applies, it’s the same thing in effect. She wants to be treated like a child. She wants to be immature.

    1. 4.1
      tawntawnee

      My father treated me very well lots of love from him I wouldn’t say my dad treated me like a princess but I’m 24 my boyfriend is 53 we been going for three yes and still going sstrong he is one of the best men I have ever been with he has money to pay pills and food and every other weekend we go out so I’m surely not dating him for money but more for we have a lot in common he has a wonder full personality and we have fun with eachother so maybe I like him for him not his age I sometimes for get he is 53 

      1. 4.1.1
        Posey

        I’m also 24 and my boyfriend is 44. We’ve only been together for a year but like you Tawntawnee we have some of the best times of my life. He’s an amazing man and we have a lot in common. I never thought I’d date someone so much older than I am but we’re definitely not together for the money even though he pays when were together. I can take care of myself financially for now and if we stay together longer I imagine us having a similar dynamic as any younger couple where we work together not just me living off of him. As far as the daddy issues go I can’t say I have one my father was the greatest man I’ve ever known and I loved him completely. He’s no longer with me physically but he taught me what love looks like through his relationship with my mother and thats what I want for myself. And thats how I feel with my boyfriend, I learn a lot with him, as I’d expect to learn from any relationship I’m in.

        1. Tawntawnee

          THANK YOU FOR Sharing that with me

        2. Duc

          Posey…. Awesome words you write. It’s reassuring to know that you, and others with considerable age gaps, have wonderful relationships. I am 52, my g/f is 35. We have been dating for 7 weeks. I separated 20 months ago from my wife of 23 years. I never imagined being with a woman 17 years my junior. Not that it was out of the question, it just never entered my mind that I would be with a woman much younger than myself.

          I have no age-gap hangups/issues and neither does she. We enjoy each other very much. Moreso me than her at the moment… I Love her and want to spend what time I have left in this life soley with her. She isn’t ‘quite’ ready to commit at that level yet (hopefully one day).

          We have Many things in common, one of which, would be Very difficult to replicate. I ‘Know’ that she is the one for me. I’d ask her to marry me today, but taking her ‘commitment’ issues (at the moment) into account, I don’t want to scare her off and loose her forever.

          We are not ‘Exclusive’ to each other at this point. I want to be, but she doesn’t want to have that ‘restriction’. I have asked her if she has seen anyone else since we met and she told me no. That is reassuring, but I am very paranoid that she may toss me to the curb for another, possibly, younger guy.

          Hopefully it will all work out and we spend the rest of our days together…  😉

           

      2. 4.1.2
        Bri

        This inspires me. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now. I’m 23 and he is 50. I met him when I was 21 and he was 48. I’ve never been happier with him. He’s an amazing man and I couldn’t have asked for a better friend, lover, and companion. I’m not with him for the money or whatever. He is mature and I’m not with him because I want to be immature. So reading through most of the replies kind of makes me sad of course. And I forget constantly he’s 50. He looks like he’s in his early 40s and acts even younger than that. We have so much in common and we have so much fun together. I haven’t met anyone who is in a similar relationship…so I don’t have anything to go on. But I love the life I share with him. I never think about the age difference and I never think about the time we have or don’t have. Reading through the comments makes me sad again when I think about sure…in 20 years I will be 43 and he will be 70. But I’m living in the moment with him and I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. Good luck to you and your man.

        1. Al

          If both of you are clear about the (most likely) temporary nature of your relationship more power to you. I think it’s pretty clear that your situation is the exception rather than the rule (if this isn’t in fact some shill posting by a dude trying to make a point).

           

          Anyway, if what you say is true then you aren’t really disproving the points made on here. Most relationships with a large age gap, whether the man or woman is older, tend not to last. Eventually that age difference starts to matter. He will  likely face losing you when his age starts to show, and it will. No one is immune to time. The human body breaks down and “stuff” stops working so well. We get slower and less healthy.

           

          Things may be all fun and laughs now but when you turn 33 and start to think about the fact that he is 60 you may feel very differently about the relationship. Most young people eventually want to start a family and if the father is old enough to be the kids Grandpa you’ll have some issues.  At that point you may decide an attractive and vibrant 40 year old better suits your lifestyle, but your current man may not want to let you go. He may want you to stick around, be his support and “grow old with him” but find himself alone at the later stage of his life. It’s a risky investment and he has a lot more to lose than you do. You’ve got time to have some flings and start over. I’d make the same argument for either gender, by the way. It’s just a matter of being at the same stage of life.

    2. 4.2
      Tiarra

      That is so true…but

      I’m 26 and my man is 55yrs old but my experience is that they can be controlling and jealous…I’ve been 6 months in with him..My relationship with kind of been bumy.I’m also a mother of 4 children. Older men wants a lot of attention…lM special of him…but I’ll give him one more month to see..lol

  5. 5
    vino

    “And frankly, he started aging really fast. He started looking 60, whereas he looked younger than his age when we met. ”

    I have to remember this one.

  6. 6
    Steve

    Most unflattering reasons, but likely true as “the rule” :

    younger women being attracted to older men
    1. “Daddy” issues
    2. Material issues

    younger men being attracted to older women
    1. “Mommy” issues
    2. Faster, easier, sex

    women and men wanting to date/mate younger:
    1. recapture fading youth
    2. more immature than their chronological counterparts
    3. wants a partner more easily controlled
    4. an ego stroke, arm candy, a trophy partner
    5. can’t handle someone their own age

    Despite all of those unflattering dime store( a very “dating” remark…..amend that..to “dollar store”) reasons, sometimes these various pairings happen only because the two people involved have a genuine appreciation of each other.

    1. 6.1
      Sherry

      I think you have a great point.  But I have to add older men are better in bed too….I was 23 and my ex was 36…and yes he robbed the cruddle.  He wanted to mold me to what he wanted…the only trouble there is, I did grow up. As for daddy issues. My dad was never around at my young age….I seriously had more fun with my ex. I tried dating younger men my age but they didn’t want a serious relationship….commitment phobics.   Lol.  Damn if you do, and damn if you don’t….lol

      1. 6.1.1
        Paula

        Bingo! And the young shall grow. And sherry, 36 was old for you but he could perform, fast forward 10 years and you probably won’t say the same.

      2. 6.1.2
        Sam

        We are taking about 45+ Guys here, so your case doesn’t really applies. Write back when he is 55.

        1. annie

          True, when the older man is 36, he’s still a young man.   When the older man is 53, like Camilla’s soon to be xh upthread, it’s a different matter.  Somebody called ‘B’ advised Camilla to try harder to please her husband.   That made me roll my eyes a bit.  Honestly, why go out with a much older man if you still have to work hard to please him!  Surely the pay off of going out with a much older man is that he is working very hard to please you!!

      3. 6.1.3
        Iloovatar

        Lols. So a 13 year age gap is a daddy issue? Must be really a f***ked up situation to be a father at 13.

    2. 6.2
      Steven

      On the latter one of older seeking younger ad #6. want a family that someone of my own age can’t or unlikely to be able to do.
       

      1. 6.2.1
        Paula

        And whose doing is that? So like Evan is saying, the age gap may not SEEM like a problem when you’re both still young-ish. But it might be a problem later. I don’t recommend more than a 7 year difference, max.

    3. 6.3
      Paula

      you wish. It’s not natural. And yes you can appreciate your dad.keep dreaming, nothing wrong with. Even if it starts out that way, the youngin will grow and realize the folly of youth. Once she starts getting older, she’s gonna want someone that keeps her young. Better make sure she has no financial assets to take care of herself. If you are very rich, she will still leave you and collect alimony. If you are poor, she won’t marry you to begin With. People can find others their own age to appreciate. Unless you are a movie star or famous person, keep dreaming. Appreciation is not a reason to get married.

    4. 6.4
      tawn

      I’m 24 my man is 53 been together 3 years and still going strong he doesn’t have tons of money enough to pay bill s and and food in our mouth and once and a wile go town town he has his own place but I have a wonderfull father who always showed me love and took good care of me so it isn’t daddy issues for me i dont date this older man for his money cause he doesn’t have much I am cause I liked him his personality his everything 🙂

      1. 6.4.1
        Derrick Mathis

        I think it’s a beautiful thing,I’m 41 and I have a 20 year old. and it’s like we’re both wildfires! We both care for each other,and we never talk about our age we just live life one day at a time.

        1. Celia

          Derrick,

          Does she have the opportunity to become everything she possibly can be in life while in a relationship with you?

      2. 6.4.2
        Duc

        @Tawn said:

        “I dont date this older man for his money cause he doesn’t have much I am cause I liked him his personality his everything.”

        Nice! 😉

    5. 6.5
      butterduck

      Amen! I’ve been married to my older guy for 26 years now, and I think that “daddy issues” are something fabricated by younger guys who can’t or won’t compete. It’s a sour-grapes sort of rationalization. I love my older man because he’s a wonderful man, full stop. We both had jobs for the first part of our marriage and he made more but I didn’t do too badly. Now we are both retired and we are closer than ever. My own dad was affectionate with his 3 daughters but it was clear that my mom was his girl. That is what I got.

    6. 6.6
      Stephan Engel

      My ex left me for a 22 year md singer and dancer. He was 56.  I was shocked that he he married her. She had nothing to give him. She took my home belongings, had an Invitro baby. I never had closure. May she have the dump of her life.

      1. 6.6.1
        Karmic Equation

        Why are you mad at her and not him? He was the one in a committed relationship with you and he left you.

        You should be cursing him, not her.

        1. Al

          Oh dear, you’ve clearly never been in this position or you’d understand. In my case, the woman had the nerve to call me (the wife of the man she was sleeping with) to demand that I “give” her my husband when he didn’t leave me fast enough. The sense of entitlement this woman displayed was truly unbelievable. After he left, she called again to gloat and lord it over me that she’d “Won.” So, yeah, I’m happy to see that harpy fall on her face.

        2. Karmic Equation

          Al,

          If he didn’t CHEAT on you with her, she wouldn’t EVER have called you.

          So yes, she was a harpy. But HE was the cheater. You should be cursing HIM to hell and back.

          This is why I don’t ever get women getting upset with women their men cheated with. It’s the person WITH THE COMMITMENT that should be tarred and feathered. But noooo. The Other Woman (to whom he could have lied to get her into bed) is at fault.

          Please. Ladies, sure get mad at the woman, too. But it’s YOUR MAN who cheated. He’s the one you’re supposed to hate and curse out. The other woman is irrelevant to your anger.

          If this simple logic is not something you gals can get your arms around, no wonder there is so much dysfunction once a woman gets into a relationship. Wow.

        3. Al

          Karmic: WOW is right. Neither of us ever said we weren’t also furious with our husbands. Of COURSE I hold him responsible for his cheating! When did I ever say otherwise?

          Frankly, I blame both of them for their actions. Two people made a choice to betray their spouses and destroy two families. Now both have paid the price for that choice. She is now a single mother with no support and he wants to come home to me but that door is permanently closed.

          Your comment: “If this simple logic is not something you gals can get your arms around, no wonder there is so much dysfunction once a woman gets into a relationship,” is both condescending and antagonistic. Those are some pretty snide assumptions you are making there, especially considering that I never said anything you could base those on in my comment.

          Furthermore, the “Other Woman” in my case was well acquainted with our family personally. She knew me and our young children. Our kids played together for crying out loud. She is a Narcissistic Gold Digger so, no, she was not some innocent victim that my husband lied to. Rest assured, I cursed them BOTH to “hell and back” in the months following.

          These days I’ve found some degree of forgiveness though, just for my own peace of mind, not because I condone what they did. She’s not a very well balanced lady and I recognize that my ex husband is not a well man but I spent decades trying to help him. There’s only so much you can do for someone when they refuse to help themselves. I won’t be his “enabler” anymore. He made the choice to abandon his family and now he’ll have to live with the consequences.

        4. Karmic Equation

          Al,

          I like your posts. But you’re going to have see it from what I saw written, not what you DIDN’T write.

          Most women on this board vilify uncommitted men (commitment phobes, man-children, narcissists, etc.) with no compunction.

          Yet the posts where bfs and husbands who cheated were concerned, the women vilify “the other woman” and only mention their bf/husband as a side note, if at all. (ala Sharon, you, Stephan).

          To me this is so illogical, why vilify a man who hasn’t committed to (generic) you — and who has a right to not commit — only to vilify the other woman, when the MAN — who was in the relationship with you — should be one vilified.

          All three of you only mentioned all the details after I challenged what was written.

          And it happens not only on this board, but IRL, as I’ve witnessed women fighting over a bf/cheater. Why would EITHER woman do that???

          I’m sorry your husband cheated and you did the right thing.

          However, I stand by my words that most women – illogically – get MADDER at “the other woman” than at their man. The anger seems so disproportionate to the offender. I don’t understand this.

        5. Al

          “You’re going to have see it from what I saw written, not what you DIDN’T write.”

          No, you’re going to “have to see” that what you are clearly doing here is criticizing us for what we DIDN’T write, rather than what we did. We didn’t hit the specific bullet points YOU thought should be included in a very quick response on a forum, how all the blame should be on the husband (though, IMHO, the Mistress doesn’t get off scot-free unless she was totally unaware he was married). So you took it upon yourself to inform us of how very deluded we all are without any background information. A lot of the things you mentioned in both your previous comment and this one seem to be pulled out of thin air and are not based upon anything I’ve ever said. I could pluck all kinds of things out of the ether and sound off on you for neglecting to mention them. For example: You never even ONCE brought up the plight of MEN who were cheated on so, by your own logic, you must not even care about them. Now see how silly that sounds? I’m not going to make assumptions about how you feel about things that didn’t happen to get mentioned. Just because something didn’t come up in this particular comment doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings about it. Ditto for the rest of us. Don’t assume you know how we feel about something we HAVEN’T mentioned. If you actually care how we feel about something just ask before you criticize, unless criticizing is really all you wanted to do in the first place. If that’s the case, there’s really no point in further discussion.

          “Most women on this board vilify uncommitted men (commitment phobes, man-children, narcissists, etc.) with no compunction. Yet the posts where bfs and husbands who cheated were concerned, the women vilify “the other woman” and only mention their bf/husband as a side note, if at all. (ala Sharon, you, Stephan).”

          Please show me where I said that all men must commit to a woman. If a guy doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship that’s totally his choice and I’ll completely respect that, though I’d hope he’s honest about his intentions to anyone he dates. The comment I replied to was specifically about an “Other Woman.” I responded to what the poster was talking about. Forgive me for not expounding upon the topic to your satisfaction.

          “Why vilify a man who hasn’t committed to (generic) you…”

          (Again, when did I do this?)

          and who has a right to not commit…

          (Absolutely, he does. Not arguing with you at all here)

          Only to vilify the other woman, when the MAN — who was in the relationship with you — should be one vilified. All three of you only mentioned all the details after I challenged what was written.”

          Oh, I vilified him in spades. The reason I didn’t tell the entire sordid story in my first response was because I was just responding to someone’s post. Was I under some obligation to tell you every tiny detail right off the bat? Do you get to dictate what we share publicly and when?

          “And it happens not only on this board, but IRL, as I’ve witnessed women fighting over a bf/cheater. Why would EITHER woman do that??? However, I stand by my words that most women – illogically – get MADDER at “the other woman” than at their man. The anger seems so disproportionate to the offender. I don’t understand this.”

          I not sure I agree that MOST women do this, but I agree it’s stupid. I took out the majority (though admitted not all) of my anger on HIM. I can kind of understand why some women might react this way though, even if I do think it’s illogical. There is no emotional investment in the woman. She is not someone the wife has a deep attachment to, therefore, it is easier to forgive the guy and blame the outside enemy. Not condoning it, just considering why it might happen.

        6. Karmic Equation

          Al,

          I can only comment on my impressions on what was disclosed.

          If you didn’t like being challenged on what you wrote then write in the relevant details. You felt the relevant details was to name call the woman. What I saw was a pattern of women getting madder at the woman and not at the man because the cheated upon/left women only mentioned the man in passing, which gave the impression he wasn’t the target of the hatred, but the “other woman” was.

          I would have commented differently had you (and Stephan and Sharon) wrote with as much anger towards the man as towards the woman. Maybe I wouldn’t have commented at all.

          I questioned and commented upon the anger and animosity clearly displayed in the posts towards “the other woman.” There was clearly no such anger and animosity towards the man in writing.

        7. Al

          OK so, since I have now adequately provided the “relevant details” that you specifically require of anyone posting to Evan’s forum (that I was also angry at my ex for cheating .. Duh) we can drop this now, right? Have fun. I’m out.

      2. 6.6.2
        Al

        Mine left me for a younger woman as well, after putting us all through total hell for two decades with his drug addiction. It did make me wonder how many of these May/December romances occur because he has left his family for the younger woman. That puts a whole different spin on things. A man in his 40s or 50s is likely either married or divorced. Sadly, it’s all too common. Dude goes through a mid life crisis, leaves wife and kids for a younger POA who makes him feel all youthful again.

         

        I obviously can’t tell you what will happen with your ex, but the odds sure aren’t in their favor. In my case, the ex got extremely irritated by his “Mistress” pretty darn quickly and deeply regretted his decision to leave us for her within three weeks. Too late sucker. No take backs! He stuck with her anyway for a while to avoid being alone but he did eventually dump her. I have to admit that it makes me quite happy to see that SHE is now a single mother too because she left her husband to steal mine. Karma is a beautiful thing!

        1. Derek

          Taking pleasure in the suffering of others isn’t Karma, it’s sadism.

        2. Al

          Walk a mile Derek, then come back and lecture me on my morality. I’ve been quite a lot kinder to both parties who hurt me deeply than almost anyone else would have been.

    7. 6.7
      geeta

      you are wrong steve

  7. 7
    Sarah G

    The longest, best romantic relationship I ever had was with a much older guy. I knew he was older, but I didn’t know how much older. When I found out I was shocked b/c it was a LOT older. All that said, we were very much in love and it felt like we were equals. I know that people looked at us and thought things — esp. b/c he’s highly successful in our field (he’s won several of one of the big 3 awards, shall we say) and I was a rank beginner. (Well, not rank.) But even there, I didn’t feel that we were mismatched b/c he was successful and I was starting out — it was more that we were in different places in our careers. And, it turns out, in our lives. He had done a lot of the things that I still needed to do to feel like I’d lived (marriage, a kid, real estate, career success — though I can skip the multiple divorce part, thanks). But we never talked about that stuff — we were just into each other and our work together. And when I started to talk about a LIFE together he started to lie (actually, he was lying from the beginning) — he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t want to build anything with me. I could still be his perma-girlfriend today, had I wanted that spot, and be meeting the people and going to the “events.” And I’m telling you, it was great interpersonally with this guy, but I had to leave and have nothing to do with him, even though it meant taking many steps backwards professionally. (I’m kinda proud in my work, so that actually felt like a relief.) And now I’m fine and dating guys who don’t raise eyebrows when we’re out together. It isn’t the rush it was being with this guy, and maybe it does feel like settling. But it also feels like peace and happiness.

    I do know many successful May-December couples. The woman is most often the younger, but not always. In that particular situation it’s really hard b/c the guy starts losing his health a few decades before the woman will, and so she’ll (most likely) have to see him through his illness and death and then (possibly) be alone for a very long time. And if you are marrying a guy for his “stability” — meaning, you may be attracted to him to fill in some gaps in your own abilities — well, unless you learn in your time with him how to manage a portfolio and deal with all of the stuff that comes with settling an estate, that “stability” may not seem like such a gift.

    OK. Gotta get off the internet. My eHarmony guy is gonna call in a few. He’s 3 years older than I am. Not as exciting as Award Man, but very funny, nice.

  8. 8
    Lance

    Older guys: higher social value. More money, more real estate, knowledge, culture, wisdom, well traveled, higher social/emotional intelligence. I totally buy younger women going for older men. See it all the time.

    I’ve got a question. Let’s say a 28 year old goes out with a 45 year old VRD (very rich dude). They only plan on being together for 15 years, give or take. Basically a really long LTR or a planned mid-term marriage. Does anyone have a problem with this? I don’t. He gets what he wants (fantasies fulfilled, feels younger, arm candy, whatever), and she gets what she wants that is, a comfortable life.

    1. 8.1
      Paula

      Lance, the only problem is at 60, the old guy will not let the 43 year old go. He can’t find another 40 year old but she can. See where I’m going with this? Can she, yes she can but she has to be wise.

      1. 8.1.1
        Bob

        … can’t find another 40 year old … One small fact that most people overlook – although many deny it, but there actually is a shortage of men suitable to marry. I am 53 and am on friendly terms with several women in their 40s, who are keenly looking for someone to settle down with. There are few single men out there who are economically viable, and who have got their act together. BUT there are plenty of women, desperately lonely, and will do almost everything to have someone love and care for them. There are many more 40 year old women than there are 40 year old men.

        1. Tad rude

          Exactly!!!

      2. 8.1.2
        Richard

        Have you seen what some 50 year old women look like these days. They make 20 year olds envious!!

        1. Hal

          Yep.  Someone who most people know of, Sandra Bullock, has just been voted most beautiful woman in the world (in some poll) and she is a beauty at 51, and another familiar face, Christie Brinkley is a total knockout at 61, but there are plenty of beauties of that age on match etc.  There’s no excuse for looking frumpy at any age any more for either gender.

      3. 8.1.3
        Martin

        I’m 45 and my fiancé just turned 27..we’re happily in love , I don’t see anything wrong with it, she is pretty hot and beautiful..I was married for 23 yrs before i found out my wife was cheating, I got divorced, then I met her, her family loves me..not once did her family or mine question our relationship. .the way I see it, people are going to talk shit whether she’s 27 or 45..my kids like her, that’s all that matters..life is too short to worry about, what anybody thinks..happiness is hard to find and we found it in each other, as long as there is love, trust and communication.. we will be together for a long long time..

        1. Anna

          You want a young woman she wants a young man too. Think maybe it is security and stability that starts that “fire”….

    2. 8.2
      Al

      Well, if the woman thinks ahead, she’ll see the problem with this. When the relationship ends she’ll be 43 and hitting the same problems the rest of us are finding relationships at that age.

      Our healthy, vibrant 40 something peers all want women in their 20’s and 30’s, NOT us. We’re stuck with much younger and much older men being the only ones showing interest. The younger men just want sex. So, here you are, a woman in your 40’s. You still look good and feel young, but the only men who want a real relationship with you are over 55.

      You know that if you get involved with a man more than ten years older you’ll be facing what some of the other posters are complaining about here, their men are suddenly aging quickly and they are stuck with a “patient” rather than a “partner.” 

    3. 8.3
      Well..

      I completely agree and disagree as well yes in that sense ick .

      And

      not quite correct cause,  sure some most likely a yeas thats whats up, nasty predatory denile nastys.

      But if you actually fell in love . As a couple.

      you now get to slowly watch them die and their soul fade and cry that why the hell did he have to be 15 years older. Cause the person at a real loveing level alll you love about them , you watch their body age and them struggle to communicate and talk and it killllls you.

      So no it’s not all a stereotype or can be generalized, and only is ever the case of  intent to free rich ride and both predatory and nasty,

      Some people actually love the person and the traits that create them and didnt know the age or couldnt tell and then love is there so oh well and too late.

      So after you get to watch older spouse’s body fail long before yours while they die old, youl both never experience that together cause the decade and some, you get to greive the loss for evvver and now your primes spent and only guys left at your age are  d bags or married or creepy . And.you statistically more likely to get killed in a terism attack.

       

      I think people should be mindful on the younger and understand what you could be taking and be kind enough to say no.And marry your own age or closer and form a relationship to love with someone your own age. Wish he would have pushed me away a to save aallll this death pain. He could have found someone his age. I love him.but why didnt he love me enough to.KNOW what I would.have to deal.with at his end. It was selfish

  9. 9
    starthrower68

    Oh I can related to that “being with an older guy is a rush thing”. I briefly – very briefly – dated a 50 year old. He just knocked my socks off. Obviously it didn’t work out, and there were other incompatibilities, but yah, this guy still had it!

  10. 10
    vino

    Lance wrote: “I’ve got a question. Let’s say a 28 year old goes out with a 45 year old VRD (very rich dude). They only plan on being together for 15 years, give or take. Basically a really long LTR or a planned mid-term marriage. Does anyone have a problem with this? I don’t. He gets what he wants (fantasies fulfilled, feels younger, arm candy, whatever), and she gets what she wants that is, a comfortable life.”

    Do THEY jointly plan on being together for 15 years? Or does She? I ask because the VRD can live like Hef (cialis, viagra). What’s the payout to her?

    No offense, still sounds like legalized prostitution.

    Wait, isn’t that much of what it is anyway?

  11. 11
    Sarah G

    And don’t forget events, Lance. The grown-up events are very nice, and not something that a young guy can bring you to. It’s hard for me now to go to hipster events where people have been throwing up on the steps outside.

  12. 12
    A-L

    My family background has made me naturally drawn toward older people (friends and romantic interests alike). My siblings are all between 10-17 years older than me, my dad is 10 years older than my mom, my grandfather was 12 years older than my grandmother…for us it’s kind of the norm. Granted the 10-12 year age difference isn’t 17-25+, but it’s greater than average.

    My interests have also tended to be “older” for my age. I’ve never been into the bar/club scene, can count on one hand the number of concerts by artists with a younger fan base, and enjoy the opera, symphonies, museums, etc, that generally tend to have an older audience.

    I have noticed, though, that as I’ve gotten older that I’m less inclined to consider a relationship where there is a much larger age gap. In my early adult years I would have considered dating someone 20 years older than me, but now that’s down to about 10-12 years. Perhaps the fact that guys closer to my age are finally maturing has something to do with it. I’m also interested in some activities (like skydiving or whitewater rafting) that guys above a certain age have zero interest in, so that’s also helping to keep the age difference to one that’s fairly minimal.

    And lastly, in regards to the sugar daddy (or rich older man) phenomeon. Not necessarily the case. I’m currently deliberating over a guy who’s far older than he looks (he looks 10 years younger), who’s sweet as can be, and is the best looking man I’ve seen in years (not just seen romantically, but seen in real life anywhere). Financially though, I suspect I have far more assets. I own my home, and wouldn’t be surprised if earn twice what he does. And though I know the golddigger comments are going to be coming out, that is a concern as he is 17 years older than me (and hence should be that much further along financially) and I’m not earning the executive salaries that the men on this board often comment about. But he’s still very tempting…

  13. 13
    A-L

    Y’all can keep Harrison Ford, I want Robert Redford! Though I also know more than a few young ladies with a thing for Sean Connery…

  14. 14
    Sarah G

    Hmm. I can’t think of any older actors who really do it for me. But this topic is curious b/c just today I read that Adrienne Barbeau is with Billy Van Zandt (she’s about 12 years older); and Barbara Hershey is with that stunner Naveen Andrews from “Lost” (she’s 21 years older); and I don’t know if any of you have seen Kim Basinger lately, but she is an incredible-looking 50-something (for any age, really), and I’m sure that there is many a young guy who’d park his horse in her stable. (I believe she is an animal lover.) These days a lot of women are holding onto their hotness. It’s a nice trend. 🙂

  15. 15
    Sarah G

    Prostitution is very quid pro quo, Vino. A relationship isn’t because you have feelings for each other. Would each have the same feelings if he were an old loser and she were a young ugly thing? Maybe. But they probably wouldn’t be attracted to each other long enough to find out. Relationship currency isn’t like REAL currency. It’s just what you offer, materially yes, but in other ways, too. Really, the insult is to the guy in the “prostitution” idea you are putting forth — money is all he has to offer and he’s so out of touch emotionally that he would think that someone who is using him really cares about him? I don’t think men are that stupid.

    1. 15.1
      paula

      Yep, that is what it boils down to and that’s why it’s so common in 3rd world countries. It is not normal to fall in love with someone who looks like your dad. But if he promises security, you might take him on the offer. That’s a transaction , period. I admit you might grow to care for such a person but chances are he chose the inexperienced girl to manipulate. When she grows up, game over. Some will even get you working 16 hours straight overnight hours whilst they sleep with their pot bellies hanging out. man I’m mad

    2. 15.2
      Paula

      nicely said Sarah G.

    3. 15.3
      Al

      What you’re failing to realize here is that HE is using HER just as much as she is using him. In the situation you’ve laid out the man is only interested in the younger woman because she is pretty. He doesn’t give a crap about her as a whole person.

  16. 16
    vino

    “Prostitution is very quid pro quo, Vino.”

    It’s good of you to admit it. I’ll remember that next time someone demands that men pay for everything.

    Also, you seem to ignore the premise that Lance set forth, upon which I based my comment.

    “It’s just what you offer, materially yes, but in other ways, too. Really, the insult is to the guy in the prostitution idea you are putting forth money is all he has to offer and he’s so out of touch emotionally that he would think that someone who is using him really cares about him? I don’t think men are that stupid.”

    What does SHE offer? What other ways? See this link http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-does-my-boyfriend-want-less-sex-than-me/#comment-6810. Deathslayer writes yet another priceless post. It’s too long to quote fully here, but it is on point. A choice quote or 2, so people can link over…

    If you women no longer have vaginas, how would you
    keep your man happy?.

    Man you could hear a pin drop…”

    “He said something like this. What’s wrong with you? You could have said, learn to play pool, take him to a sports game, or boating. There were a ton of things you could have done to be with your man and make him happy. But the only way all you women could define yourselves was as three holes and nothing else.

    “They wanted women for those things money CAN’T buy, love, respect, a warm home to come home to, their own children and a good woman to raise them.”

    Many guys 45 & up are not that out of touch emotionally aren’t that out of touch. You are right. They are not that stupid. They just accept it as the cost of admission, like paying a membership fee to join a country club or a cover charge to enter a night club. It’s not an insult to the guy in the ‘prostitution’ idea, just a realistic statement of the nature of the situation.

  17. 17
    Selena

    Along with the possible reasons Evan cited for a younger woman seeking out an older man is also that women in their 20’s-early 30’s may have tired of the young men in their age bracket who treat sex, relationships as sport, conquests and are looking for something more substantial and lasting.

    Older women appreciate younger men for the same reasons older men appreciate younger women. Younger men are more likely to have a flat stomach and all their hair. Also, regarding the perception that women over 40 are “hard”–‘some’ men over 40 are quite rigid in their expectations and ‘some’ of them are so bitter you wonder why they are dating in the first place. Perhaps to get back to that time of life when sex and relationships were merely sport and conquests?

    Those observations aside, we still do tend to find someone we really connect with when we’re truly open to it. At any age.

  18. 18
    Selena

    JersyGirl-
    Harrison Ford is not of my generation, but he popped into my generation’s attention in the first “Star Wars” movie when he was in his 30’s and my girlfriends and I were in our teens. It’s been a pleasure to watch him over the last 30 yrs. He’s aged remarkably well.

    Is there an entertainment star you admire (or did as a teen) who is 12 or more yrs. your senior? If so, it might amuse you in the coming decades to see how well THEY age.

  19. 19
    Michael Ejercito

    Evan,

    How would being divorced with a kid appeal to younger women who are neither divorced nor have a kid?

    1. 19.1
      Olya

      My husband was divorced with a kid when I met him. Love knows no stopping- I loved his little girl like the continuation of him…

  20. 20
    Steve


    Selena Apr 8th 2008 at 02:13 am 17
    some men over 40 are quite rigid in their expectations and some of them are so bitter you wonder why they are dating in the first place.

    — or hanging out on dating blogs. Some of them are younger too.

  21. 21
    Paul

    The founder of E-Harmony says 6 years either way is about tops. I agree for a host of reasons. It’s a matter of sameness…the more you have the same, ie. background, education, culture, AGE… the more likely the relationship will survive long term. The more differences there are, the more you’ll have to get around. My Dad on the other hand married a woman 25 years younger than he and from a culture half way around the world…been married over 40 years and raised 2 kids. Go figure. The longer you live however, the less age diffference makes a difference. A 40 year old married to a 20 year old would raise some eyebrows. However an 80 year old with a 60 year old? No big deal. I frankly, as much as I’m attracted to the younger form, do not want a gal who is more concerned with things like child rearing if I’m more into retirement planning. Stage of life issues. As my Mom used to say, “find someone you have a lot in common with”.

  22. 22
    Selena

    Steve,
    Yes I’ve noticed that as well. Seems like a waste of time, but if you don’t have anything else to do…?

  23. 23
    Selena

    Paul,
    I disagree that age difference matters less with age. At age 60, many (most?) people are still quite active. At 80 that is much, much less the case–frailty is more the norm.

    The 20’s is an era of such personal change, usually more so than later decades so a relationship between a 20 yr. old and a 40 yr. old might prove difficult as the younger partner progresses through that decade. Person’s in their 30’s, 40’s, & 50’s are more likely to be in more complementary stages of life where differences in age might be mitigated by circumstances (ie: child-rearing, careers).

  24. 24
    dame4net

    Older guys definately have higher social value and are more mature. Fatter incomes, more assets, experience, wisdom, and well traveled and higher EQ, not mention more time as they likely work less or can take early retirement as they have more money. I see why younger women go for older men and I see it all the time online. These young women who are not ready to settle down and pick out older, mature men. Not to mention women are waiting longer these days to have children and families, so what is wrong with dating an older man for a few years before settling down?

  25. 25
    Steve

    Selena;

    About post #22. I agree that it is a waste of time. I’ve been in that kind of loop in my life before. You are so consumed with venting your emotions ( over and over again ) and so obsessed with getting other people to validate your experience that you don’t see that you are caught in an time wasting loop of fruitless repeated experiences. You don’t see that you aren’t moving forward.

    If you can’t see the problem, you can’t fix it.

    The problem isn’t that reality is unfair. It is unfair for everyone. People who are happy despite a given issue are happy because they work with reality as it is rather than demanding to be validated.

  26. 26
    Dittohd

    I think this is a really ridiculous topic. I can’t imagine why any younger woman would want an older man. In fact, assuming that women get smarter as they get older, why would any woman want an older man considering older men are so inherantly so unattractive? An older man as compared to a younger man is generally smarter, more financially secure, a more experienced lover and diaper changer. He’s more experienced at resolving child behavior problems, not so easily frazzled when most other problems in life arise, and better at knowing what women in general want and in communicating with his woman to ascertain what his woman actually wants… and possibly even more interested in providing his woman what she wants if she’s providing him what he wants from the relationship, than a younger man would in many cases.

    The things younger men have over older men seem to be more stamina in bed and a younger body. I can totally understand why, to most women, how these could totally overpower all the advantages previously mentioned older men generally have over younger men. I can totally understand why women would look down on all these properties of older men over the younger men’s advantages.

    What I totally don’t understand is the difference in their stage in life as mentioned before and how that should make much of a difference. Whether a woman stays home or works outside the home, both a man and woman most of the time spend most of their time separated, seeking differing individual goals in the individual work they do daily. Regardless of age, they still both eat and seek entertainment in between the time they aren’t working separately. They still, regardless of age, go to movies, attend entertainment venues that they have in common, take care of their pets and children, etc, etc. So if they determine that they have many similar interests, why would age make a difference considering men and women are, by nature, very different to begin with? Seems to me that any differences between an older man and younger woman are very often common among men and women of similar ages, considering that all men are different and all women are different. So why couldn’t younger women find older men who are very compatible with them?

    One more question. Considering that most marriages in this country end within a relatively short amount of time, is it possible that we are doing things wrong? I wonder which relationships actually last longer on average… couples who are within a few years of age or those with much wider differences in age. Would we be better off if all young women married much older men and then later in life when older, marry much younger men?

    Hmmmmmmmmmmm!

    1. 26.1
      Bob

      Sometimes, just sometimes, the woman listens to her body clock and actually wants to use her body the way it was built … to have a couple of babies. Their is a shortage of men who have the maturity and integrity to hang around to be the father for their children. So, when a woman finds a man who will, she just might … actually … jump at the chance, even if he actually is a little older than her father!

      Do-gooders say that she should do without … usually the do-gooders already have their own spouse and children, and demand that single women do without. Shame that the do-gooders do not have the integrity that the older man has ! 

    2. 26.2
      Peter51

      According to British census data, large age difference marriages in both directions last longer than small ones. About as many women chose to marry much younger men as choose much older men. The numbers are small compared to people who marry with a two year age gap (which has by far the highest 20 year divorce rate). My first wife was 5 years older than me my new one is 24 years younger. Age was immaterial both times. Now flak about child rearing that was a serious issue.

      1. 26.2.1
        Anna

        I don’t know what “British census data” you are referencing, but the studies I have read–and I’ve read a LOT of them since it is my field–say you have it exactly backwards.

        Statistically (and controlling for other factors), if a couple has a one year age difference, the risk of divorce increases to 3 percent (from O percent if they are the exact same age).  The relative risk of divoce with a 5-year age difference goes up to 18 percent.  With a 10-year age difference, risk of divorce increases by almost 40 percent. With a 15 year age difference, relative risk of divorce goes up at least 10 more percent points.  With a 20-year age difference, relative risk of divorce increases to over 90 percent.

        This study’s results, stated generally above, were done in the US .  It did not matter whether the female or male was older.  POINT:  The statistical risk of divorce sharply rises with age gaps in marriage partners.  The bigger the age gap, the higher the rate of divorce (controlling to the degree possible for other factors).  Not saying this is a “cause and effect”…just that there is a strong correlation.

        I do not agree that 28 year old women have the most choices in men.  A lot of smart men want well educated doctor-lawyer-professionally successful wives who still look hot at 50 plus years of age.  (There are still quite a few women like that…think Christy Brinkley at age 61.)   Do you think men in their fifties are really more attracted to women their daughters ages?  (Sorry….some are initially…but they end up marrying within their OWN age bracket most of the time.  NOT because they couldn’t get somebody younger…but because they want somebody they can relate to and who challenges them…and who remembers where they were when Jim Morrison died…and when President Kennedy was shot.)

        When you are 25 and super good looking (I know and remember) you THINK that older men want you….but they really want somebody who is more sophisticated that you!  And more interesting.

        Work on your INNER beauty…and stop worrying about the wrinkles.  Keep yourself fit and healthy and stop reading STUPID STUPID articles such as this one.  Don’t waste your precious time on this guy’s columns.  It’s for teeny boppers.

    3. 26.3
      Wade

      Although, I agree with almost everything you have posted. Lol,  I would disagree with one specific area.   With regards to stamina and bodies.   I am 45 and honestly, I find that men my age have way and I mean way better bodies and stamina than younger men. We are at our prime.  We lift more, we run more, our tone is better, and et cetera.  Especially in this video game stay home need a mom age that young men live in today.  I am in the US army and frankly, I am very embarrassed to see boys from 18 to 30 that well (not to seem to sexist) are girls.  They are fat, out of shape whinny and need someone to take care of them at all times.  Its an age of entitlement, where they expect everything to be given to them as if they deserve it.  Hard work is a think of the past and well women are the new man.  And when it comes to intimate encounters, well again younger men are lacking.   Of my personal life, I get young 20 year old women weekly asking for my number.  Its flattering but I understand that women want a man.  They don’t want a boy most of the time that they have to take care of .    Up here in Alaska, women are diverse and independent.  Some of the most petite beautiful creatures can be often found, hunting and fishing and living in the woods all by themselves.   It an amazing time and woman have found equality and are taking advantage of it.    Just my two cents, if it made sense that is.  Have a great day!

    4. 26.4
      SV75

      “They still, regardless of age, go to movies, attend entertainment venues that they have in common, take care of their pets and children, etc, etc. So if they determine that they have many similar interests, why would age make a difference considering men and women are, by nature, very different to begin with? Seems to me that any differences between an older man and younger woman are very often common among men and women of similar ages, considering that all men are different and all women are different. So why couldn’t younger women find older men who are very compatible with them?”

      I completely agree with you!

  27. 27
    Nina

    I’m 27 and I find older men incredibly attractive. I had a crush on my father’s friend growing up and I still think he’s one of the most attractive older men I have ever met. The thing is, he was also smart and interesting. I think that is what attracts me to older men. They are so much more mature, interesting, and self aware than men my age. Most of the men my age I have met like to party. I don’t. They like to take pictures with as many hot looking girls as they can find and post them on facebook and myspace for everyone to see how cool that makes them. I’m not saying they’re all like that but I have met my share. In general I just think oder men have more to offer a woman than a 25-35 yr old does.

    1. 27.1
      N Johnson

      There are lots of exceptions.  Not all men are the average at say, 65 or so, as their peers.  So many men have never taken care of themselves and or have bad genes and are what most consider average or normal.  If one is and has been into physical activities all their life, that makes a big difference, unless they have fallen claim to things like diabetes, high blood pressure gone unchecked,  and all the things that can go wrong for either sex.  My GF just 2 years younger, and so wonderful a person and very attractive and sexual at 70, died from ALS.   She had no control over that.   Women want security and so they follow that.  But, they need all the good things that go with a relationship (Marriage) too.   Men want security too.

    2. 27.2
      Paula

      Nina,
      come back ten years from when you are 37 and tell me your dream man is a 55 year old. Ha! 

      1. 27.2.1
        Annabella

        Paula – Exactly! When I was 30; I dated men 10 years older than me thinking this was smart… Now I am 34 and like my man two years older… Men think they are so young at heart … Not so! They age quickly! Current bf is active and the intimacy is wayyy better than my plus 40 boyfriend; we are so compatibilitle! Not to mention, older bf liked his texting girlfriend on the side. No thanks…

    3. 27.3
      Kaya

      I agree completely!  love the interesting topics hes interested in how he understands and listens he has tons of crazy stories hes very self aware always puts others first. He mirrors my personality.sometimes I feel like a 45 year old in a 22 year old body. I dont fit in with my generation. Hes 58 and has lived  through things I would love to experiance. everyone my own age is mostly superficial and looking for a quick bang i have no time or patience for the drama of a young relationship I need understanding intelligence and knowing that he is capable of standing on his own two feet. I have my own life to worry about I dont need to be worrying about if my young boyfriend will finish school get a job and be able to support himself I got stuck supporting two imbeciles for about a year each definitely put my life on backtrack   (had three long term and it was miserable though i did learn alot about myself!) Neither of us were looking for each other we just happened to become good friends and it went from there. People may argue that having a family is near impossible for a such an age gap and maybe thas true but its not when you dont want one! Say what you may but i am a free spirit have plans for my own future and that does not consist of a youngin. I havnt the time. Thats 18+ years I could be working on my own dreams. Besides why would i make an innocent child suffer in this screwed up world that society has created. No thank you i dont like it here so im not going to make someone else suffer. Whether we have 5 years or if we have 30 years together  I know this connection is deep and worth it. For those who have Never loved unconditionally on a soul level will not understand nor will they be expected to understand. They are young souls who need to develop but I feel if you find someone who treats you well challenges your mind enjoys adventures and loves you for you what is stopping you from being together?  Nobody and nothing. Not only is he my “soul mate” he has also been my best friend since way before we were together and I am grateful for every moment we get to spend together confusing the heck out of people while we look deeply into each other knowing what we have is real and right.

      1. 27.3.1
        Bri

        I LOVE THIS! This is definitely how I feel. I’m not sure of your age gap. But I’m 23 and my boyfriend is 50. I’m definitely a 45 year old in a 23 year old body. We click on every level and the love is so pure and passionate between us that the age thing never crosses my mind. I don’t have to worry about if he’s out cheating or going to quit his job. All of those trivial things my sisters worry about with their boyfriends. He completes me and he is my soul mate. I absolutely adore him and I am his universe. I love how passionate he is and how youthful he is.

  28. 28
    Lance

    @Nina: There you have it! Younger women like older guys because of their social value, and older guys like younger women because of their hotness and energy. Attraction in a nutshell.

    1. 28.1
      happymelanie

      I don’t think it’s true that women these days like men simply because of their social value. This is a harsh truth for many men to swallow, but looks are important. A guy can be wealthy and powerful, but I am not going to be sexually attracted to him if he is bald, old, goofy looking, or out of shape. I am happy with my wealth and position in society, so I don’t need his. I can understand how poor/powerless/insecure women go for such men out survival instincts, but is that what you really want? Plus, when much older men hit on me (purely because of my age), it just comes across as insecure and entitled, and that is a bigger turn off than the bald head and gut.
       
       

    2. 28.2
      Al

      Things is, at lot of that “social value” was established because women were at an economic disadvantage. Younger women leaned toward men with more stability, i.e., older men, because they HAD to. Now that the wage gap is closing and more women are establishing their own careers, you will see the same standards being applied to men that women have lived with all along. Looks, vitality, Youth, health. We like all those things in our men just as you men like them in us. Prepare to be judged by the standards you have been using to judge others. Once women can support themselves sufficiently without you do you think looks aren’t going to play a big role in who they choose to date? 

  29. 29
    Sarah G

    I’d put it this way — relationships that are only about sex are very boring. If a guy sees a woman as “only three holes” he is boring. You do not want to spend time with him in relationship — but it’s good to know there are guys like that out there if you need a booty call. They are easy. At some point guys figure this out and they become immensely attractive as life partners — because well, maybe women want both sex AND relationship. Until the young bucks figure this out, they are just not worth the time of day. Things that men can find in relationship with a woman besides the “three holes”: laughter, companionship, intelligence, warmth, comfort, a family, a partner in building wealth, a caregiver, an ally, a buddy, another driver on long road trips.

  30. 30
    Sarah G

    By figuring “this” out I meant that relationships that are only about sex are boring. That relationship can offer more than that.

    1. 30.1
      TLH

      I am 44 and have younger girl FRIENDS. We go out to eat, watch movies or try new things. AS FRIENDS. We are comfortable enough to be able to snuggle and walk with arms around each other without any thought of it meaning more than what it is. Just human contact. We all crave human touch and it is nice to be able to get it without being or feeling pressure to be romantically involved.

      At this point in my life a friend is more important to me than a relationship and I have found that if I try to have just a friendship with women my own age, that is not what they are looking for.

      My point is, just because you see an older man out with a younger girl and even if they have their arms around each other, it doesn’t mean anything. Frankly, none of anyone elses business either.

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