Advice From A Dating Coach’s Girlfriend

I usually don’t rerun blog posts, but this one just felt timely. Written in August 2007 by my girlfriend, right after our six month anniversary, the below piece gives three pearls of wisdom that you do not want to forget.

The fact that we’re still together after 15 months has EVERYTHING to do with what you’re about to read, and it explains why I’m never going to let my girlfriend go.

Enjoy.

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When Evan first threw out the idea of having me contribute to his blog, I thought, “Who, me? I’m not the expert!”

My dating history could not be more different than his. He has dated LOTS of women, has had many girlfriends and, for the bulk of his adult life, has been single and dating prolifically. I am quite the opposite. I can count on one hand (yes, ONE hand) the number of boyfriends I’ve had since turning 17. Of those relationships, all but one lasted for 3 years or more, and one developed into a marriage that, alas, ended in divorce. You might call me a Serial Monogamist.

Even though my background is completely different from Evan’s, we generally agree on the things that count. I never really thought about why it’s been so easy for us until he asked me to write this column. But after a little thinking – and some lengthy conversations with my best friend – this is what I came up with. I hope it makes sense to any relationship-minded females who are reading this. Here goes…

Advice from a Dating Coach’s Girlfriend

Don’t Cry Wolf

“Women are crazy.”

How many times have you heard this from your mate, your brother, or a guy friend?

If we were to “emote” every time a little thing rubs us the wrong way…Men literally become desensitized to our emotional outbursts.

I’ve heard it more than I care to admit, and, sadly, I can’t entirely refute it. The fact that we are more in touch with our feelings means that sometimes our emotions get the best of us. It’s natural. And, yet, do we have to let that happen all the time? Do the men in our lives have to walk on eggshells in fear that something they say will set us off? Do they have to always be extra cautious in case we start yelling, crying, or giving them the silent treatment?

If something bothers us in the relationship, it makes sense to let them know. But what if we were to “emote” every time a little thing rubs us the wrong way? Then when something important comes along and we are justified in being a little emotional, he will not take it seriously. Men literally become desensitized to our emotional outbursts. So rather than him saying, “Honey, what did I do that upset you?”, instead he thinks, “Here we go again, another dose of the crazy.”…

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Comments:

  1. 2
    Jennifer

    This girl is THE TRUTH! Loved this post and so glad you re-ran it, as I missed it the first time.

  2. 3
    Steve

    Wow…just wow. I wish there were questions about this essay every girl’s and woman’s driving test. What a beautiful world it would be.

    EGF, if you ever get tired of Evan I know of another single atheist of European Jewish descent 🙂

    “Advice From A Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend”

    – great title for a book. I’m serious

  3. 4
    cinnamon

    Great post!
    Especially the final part of it:
    ” (he) would end up feeling like he had to walk on eggshells around me for fear that I will interpret something he says in a way that could upset me, even if that is clearly not his intention. So he would end up having a different persona with me than he does with any of his other friends.”
    Definitely spurred a few thoughts (and memories) in me. Thanks!

  4. 5
    Leslie

    She’s good….wise and a good writer. I’ve read this post before and parts of it stuck with me. Now reading it a second time I find even more value. I’d love to hear from your girlfriend (I don’t think you’ve written about her by name) more often.

  5. 6
    Single Mom Seeking

    I remember this the first time around — and it’s great to read it again. Thanks so much… that’s coming from a very emotional woman.

    So, Evan, when are you going to propose to this amazing woman? That’s the big question.

    1. 6.1
      Lisko

      They are married with 2 children!

  6. 7
    Kay

    Hi Evan,

    This was a good article. Your girlfriend makes a lot of sense. It’s a good thing all of us aren’t as in tune as she is otherwise you’d have too much time on your hands. I’m wondering when we’ll be hearing your wedding bells too. You seem to have found a wonderful woman, so what are you waiting for? Its okay Evan, you can still give advice on being single and dating even if you get married, because I hear the best way to have a successful marriage is to treat your husband or wife, like you’re still dating and you are the expert. Take Care. 🙂

  7. 8
    Steve


    Kay May 13th 2008 at 09:42 am 7
    Hi Evan,
    This was a good article. Your girlfriend makes a lot of sense.

    Only the U.S. Mint makes cents.

  8. 9
    Steve


    Single Mom Seeking May 13th 2008 at 06:54 am 5
    So, Evan, when are you going to propose to this amazing woman? That’s the big question.

    Evan, I can get you out of this one…

    SMS, Evan wouldn’t have much respect as a dating expert if he didn’t make use of knowledge that he has.

    It has been mentioned a number of times on this blog that scientists now believe that the feeling known as romantic love lasts between 1 – 3 years. It has also been mentioned on this blog that while people are in that zone, they are likely to minimize incompatibility issues with the other person, if they notice those issues at all. Romantic love temporarily disables a person’s judgment in regards to who they are with.

    So, the most rational time to decide whether or not you should marry someone is after the romantic love phase has worn off and your full judgment in regards to that person has been fully restored.

    Evan hasn’t been dating is girlfriend for the maximum of 3 years yet.

  9. 10
    JNez

    nothing really groundbreaking here. when two people genuinely are in love with and care about each other, it works because they make sacrifices to ensure their partner’s happiness. when one partner is alone in love, it doesn’t happen. most times we are alone in love, and once in a while, we hit the jackpot and find “the one”. hopefully you’ve found yours.

  10. 11
    Michele

    Mike (1).

    Her post sure is GOLD, as well as pertinent to any age group, SES and both genders.

  11. 12
    vino

    Golden Rule Section especially good

  12. 13
    the foreigner

    This was a great post, I hope you’ll continue writing.

    Though I’ve always wondered exactly _what_ to do when I’m getting the silent treatment from a woman. Should I ask about it or pretend like it’s raining or..?

    Thanks =)

  13. 14
    hunter

    Having to work with herds of men all day, I have learned to “tighten” up my conversation if a woman is present. Women are different, they don’t talk like men do. This lead me to walk on eggshells for years…..

  14. 15
    Salma

    I’m really glad I read this- alas, I am a hypersensitive woman (I’m working on changing that). And although I don’t get into shouting matches with guys, or throw glasses of champagne in their faces when pissed, I’m prone to the whole brooding, silent treatment thing.

    I should definitely listen to your wife, Evan- I think I’d have more peace of mind when it comes to men.

  15. 16
    Evian

    I tend to be one of those girls who lets her emotions get the best of her, and I speak what I feel. I’ve noticed lately, my husband rolling his eyes at me if I get upset at him for saying something that hurts my feelings, like he doesn’t take it seriously. It bothered me for a long time, until I finally looked it up. I know I’m not perfect but it stinks to have him roll his eyes if I’m hurt over something.

    I think this is the best advice I’ve read. Maybe I AM being over critical and just need to give him some Mulligans, and maybe he’ll start being less “Omg she’s being crazy again” and attentive to my feelings. Thanks a bunch.

  16. 17
    Unicorn

    My last “boyfriend” apparently couldn’t handle this level of trust. It was completely unfamiliar to him. He tried to break up with me by purposely “running late” and criticizing me… and I just waited for him to say what was on his mind. Eventually he had to step up to the plate. His attitude might make it harder for me to give the next guy the benefit of the doubt…

  17. 18
    Jeannie

    I’m an older woman…when I was married, I walked on eggshells around my spouse…it is not gender specific & not a good feeling…I dislike hystrionic women who carry on & have drama over every miniscule thing BUT I certainly wouldn’t censor myself either if something was a major issue or a chronic concern. I’d say BALANCE is key in any relationship!

  18. 19
    Ang

    Thank you. I like going out with an independent partner and yes I wonder if they consider me and my feelings as I do theirs. I do my best to be practical about things but there is a fine line between been taken for granted and being able to all to allow your partner to be who they are around you. Yes I too have to stop the crazy thoughts at times…..

  19. 20
    Kirsty

    I shared this with my boyfriend because I’m guilty of oh so many of these things. I try to work on them and recently I have had almost as many successes and failures. A while ago I would’ve had maybe one success to every ten failures I have at communication. But I think this will definitely help me on the road to being a better girlfriend. I have the best guy but I’m not the best girl. And I continue to work so hard to change that for the benefit of our relationship.
    Thank you so much.

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