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I have been dating a really wonderful man for three months now, and at this point, we are spending our weekends together every week. We have an amazing, intense connection which we both acknowledge and at this point, I’m downright crazy about him, and I know he feels the same about me. When we are together, it just feels right, but we have yet to say “I love you” to each other. I’m not getting that he is ready to hear this yet, so despite my feelings, I avoid saying those three words to him. What I am getting – through his actions and emotions – is that he does indeed love me, but I am not pushing him to formally acknowledge it yet.
People in love don’t spend much time looking for love with other people.
The problem for me is this: in the past, he has fallen head over heels in love and gotten deep into relationships very quickly. Each time, it has clouded his judgment, and he got stuck in rather dysfunctional relationships, which obviously didn’t work out. He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally, and while I understand what he is attempting to do, it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week. This is a very different situation for me, since the typical sign that someone is really into me is reflected in his wanting to call me / be with me fairly often.
He wants to see me each weekend, but unless I get upset about his lack of attention during the week, the time between Monday and Thursday just doesn’t seem to be a real priority for him where I’m concerned. What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to, since he’s happy and contented with me (allegedly) at this point in our relationship.
I tried to talk to him about this last weekend, keeping in mind that he is determined not to allow himself to relax and let things just happen naturally yet, even though three months is certainly not too soon to allow such feelings to happen. I expressed my issues with him not wanting to get off the sites and focus on “us” without distraction (in other words, we had the “exclusive” talk), and about his lack of interest in taking the initiative in contacting me more during the week.
Regarding being exclusive, I told him that I was off of the sites in order to focus on “us”, and hoped that he would feel the same. No answer (which told me a lot right there). He said his lack of contact was his way of “slowing himself down”, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, and wants to build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. That is something I want as well, but his remaining active on dating web sites even supposedly looking for “friends” is very disconcerting to me, and I told him as much.
Finally, the real question here: How long should I “patiently” wait for him to stop pulling back from me? Is there a good time frame to go by not only for him to acknowledge his feelings, but for me to make a decision about whether I should stick around or not? Six months? One year? I know everyone’s different, but I just need some guidance here, since I would like to see where things go without all the constraints!
Thank you!
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
I usually don’t run letters this long, especially when I’ve written at least seven articles in the past year that cover this specific topic (including What to Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit). Still, your letter was well-constructed, self aware, and worthy of response….
So here goes:
Our astute readers will have picked out these key phrases as to why you already know what you have to do.
1) He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally.
Ah, you gotta love the built-in excuse. It’s brilliant in its infallible logic. Really, it’s on par with answering “I’m a perfectionist” to the “what’s your biggest flaw” question in a job interview. I mean, really, who could possibly argue? So get it straight: this darling man of integrity is just trying to protect you from getting hurt because he’s made some mistakes before. Got it.
Believe it or not, I’d still try to give him the benefit of the doubt, since I’ve been wrong before. Hey, maybe he’s just trying to break his pattern of leaping before he looked. Can’t blame a guy for that, can you?
Oh, yes you can.
2) What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to.
Couples don’t do that. People in love don’t spend much time looking for love with other people.
WALK. If he follows, he’s your boyfriend. If he doesn’t, he’s exactly who you thought he was.
This guy is using you, Jennifer, and what’s hard to take is that he doesn’t even know it. He’s just doing what’s right for himself, so it doesn’t even occur to him that he’s hurting you. Think about it. He’s not telling you he loves you, he’s not calling you his girlfriend, he’s not seeing you during the week, so how can he be called a jerk? He’s covering his ass. He gets to act like a boyfriend on the weekends, spend the week searching for other women, and still not have to step up to the plate and commit to you. Hey, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?
3) No answer (which told me a lot right there).
Yeah, it’s hard to have a talk about “us” when there is no “us”. By saying nothing, he continues to cover his ass, and you continue to tolerate it. You’re expecting things to change, but he doesn’t want them to change. He wants a weekend girlfriend with all of the benefits, and none of the costs. As long as you tolerate this, it will continue. Six months? Sure, why not? You can have another exclusivity talk then when you see his profile on Match, but what for? To get three more months of sex and heartbreak in? Go for it and let me know how it goes.
I’m not a believer in ultimatums, but I’m big on action. So why don’t you give this one a try?
“I really, really care about you and have very much enjoyed our time together. But as amazing as I think you are, I’m not really getting my needs met here. I don’t want a weekend fuck-buddy. I want a boyfriend. And it’s become increasingly clear to me that it’s not going to be you. That’s okay. I’m not hurt or offended, but I need to find someone who wants a relationship. Good luck in your search.”
And then WALK.
If he follows, he’s your boyfriend.
If he doesn’t, he’s exactly who you thought he was. And you saved yourself another nine months of wasted time with a commitment-phobe. Use it well.
Warmest wishes,
Your friend,
Evan
Steve says
Jennifer;
Evan wrote it before and I agree based on my own experience. People who are truly interested act interested, in straight forward & obvious ways.
If I was set on someone as girlfriend material I would certainly disable my online personal ads. I wouldn’t need to be asked and I wouldn’t use a dating site to find “buddies”. I probably wouldn’t be ready for matching grave plots after 3 months either, but I wouldn’t dodge the issue if it was brought up. I would also be making and taking week night calls, even as cranky as I get by the end of the work day.
Lance says
Agreed on all points. Despite the past, he should know pretty quickly if the girl is girlfriend material. Personally, I can have that decided in 3-4 dates, although I might not take action on it until the 6-8 weeks…my personal buffer space.
Dude, it costs money to maintain those match and yahoo dating accounts. Give me a break. He’s looking for different/more tail. If you’re not into the weekender FWB thing, then walk.
Here’s a thought. Re-activate your own match account and tell him you’re getting 100 emails a day from lawyers, doctors, and pilots who want to take you out. Then schedule a few dates. And go on them. That’ll suss out pretty quick what he’s up to.
Honey says
Not only do I agree with Lance, but I would also like to add that if those dates that you go on happen to fall on the weekend…so be it. Start living YOUR life again, and if he wants to be in it, he will. If he doesn’t, don’t make excuses. Make dates with guys who are willing to put their money where their mouth is (who came up with that saying, anyway? Money is ewwwyyy…).
Steve says
3 months may not be enough for a commitment with a capital ‘C’, but it is more than enough time for a man to know if he wants a woman as full time girlfriend and for him not to dodge a conversation about dating exclusively.
Lexi says
I have to say Evan is right. But then again, he’s always right. Off the topic, I read your article about mirroring. That is gospel. Its so simple yet so complicated. Thanks. Now, I’m spending my time with a guy who wants to spend time with me on the weekend and during the week. Mwah!
sara says
Wow. have to totally agree with Evan’s action plan.
This situation is benefiting the guy 100% and not you. What a great situation for him. He gets the best of both worlds. He can have great steamy weekends with you and keep shopping around during the week for something better. Wish I could have though of that in my younger days!!!
You simply choose to either put up with it or walk away. Staying with him ensures that 6 months or more into it, he will probably have met someone else that likes enough to be calling/seeing/dating during the week and he will drop you and spend his weekends with her.
Seem to me its better to suffer through walking away and seeing what results now, rather than months down the road when you are even more attached.
JB says
Yeah, I agree with the other guys. If a guy is in love and wants to be exclusive ALL online profiles on dating sites get deleted not just hidden.
Since all of us men on here know if you put your profile back up you’ll certainly have more choices and action then he’d have on 5 sites it would be an interesting way to play “chicken” and call his bluff and see what HE does.
Steve says
Lexi;
Whose article on mirroring? Can you provide a URL?
m says
It only took me one key phrase.
That’s one of the perqs of being a regular reader of Evan’s.
You learn faster.
Li-Ann says
I think the key thing here was your comment “that he is just looking for friends”. I’m pretty sure that men don’t look for female friends on match websites just so that they can have a platonic friendship and talk about their day at work.
I agree that 3 months is not a long time. However, as the other posters have pointed out, I think you usually know if you really like someone by then. I think he is just keeping you in reserve. He can have a great weekend with you, and then still be open to meet someone new if just the right person comes along on the dating site. It doesn’t hurt him at all, but it has the potential to hurt you a great deal. In the case of spending lots of months and years on relationships, women suffer the most as men prefer younger women.
I don’t buy the friends thing at all. It’s just an excuse. Can’t he make friends at work? Male friends?
As for saying he needs time, and he doesn’t want to move too fast – well, that is an old technique for stalling.
Of course, if you are still in your 20s, and have time to wait around, you can wait around another 6 months and see if anything changes. I would recommend that if you are in your 30s, you don’t have a lot of time to waste. I have a funny feeling that things won’t chase much if you put 6 more months of your life into it, but I wish you the best. Good luck!
downtowngal says
” He said his lack of contact was his way of slowing himself down, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, …. ”
Oh, pu-LEEZE!!!
Jennifer, I was in your situation once. Met a great guy, total connection, blah blah, but he kept making excuses for keeping me at arm’s length, similar to what this guy was telling you. I knew he was going through a tough time so I gave him his space, but after 5 months of this (after he got through his tough time, which didn’t make him any more willing to commit) and hearing all my guy friends were saying ‘what are you DOING??” I moved on.
If a guy can’t recognize a good thing he’s not worthy of you.
Michael Ejercito says
You have to move on, girl.
Evan Marc Katz says
Here ya go, Steve. You can always use the “search” function on the left side to find an article you’ve read before…
What To Do When The Guy You’re Seeing Won’t Commit
Steve says
In response to post #13:
Thanks Evan!
It’s called mirroring.
Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.
This sounds really cool. I wonder if I can make it in reverse. You know, show up at a woman’s home wearing a negligee and holding a bottle of mine. Then she will mirror my behavior and show at my place 🙂
BeenThruTheWars says
I couldn’t help thinking of the other frustrated women this guy is using during the week. You know, the ones he is out having dinner with every Tuesday and Thursday nights unbeknownst to you, then going to back to their places afterwards (so he doesn’t have to go through the hassle of kicking them out of his bed on a work night)… but dammit, they can never seem to get a Friday or Saturday night date out of this guy, so they are writing letters to advice columnists and complaining to THEIR friends about this guy’s lack of commitment because he is always mysteriously busy or “has to work” on what the world acknowledges are official “date nights” for couples who are at all serious about each other.
Also: Any guy who is still active on dating sites isn’t looking for “friends.” If you buy that one, you are being naive. Evan’s advice is spot on. Walk. Now. And don’t look back. He has already answered your question of “where is this relationship going?” with his cowardly, immature refusal to even discuss it, while continuing to accept your sexual favors. You can usually halve the time you are in a sexual relationship with someone you have bonded with to get an idea of how long it’s going to take you to get over the heartache. At this point, it’s going to take you only about a month and a half to get over this guy if you leave now. I wasted 7 YEARS of my life with a guy who wouldn’t commit; it then took me a full 3 1/2 years beyond that to get to the point where I wasn’t bitter, wasn’t hurt, wasn’t angry with him anymore, and basically never thought about him or cared what he was doing anymore. Don’t do that to yourself.
Liza James says
If anyone’s interested, my company is calling for submissions of reality dating experiences
we just want stories of the good, the bad and the ugly 😛
feel free to check us out if you feel like sharing your journey!
-Liza
(we’re paying!)
Mary Ann Kelley says
Really, as in really? Yes you want to get in touch with me. I totally regale people with my experiences. I am a 30 year experience critical care RN. I could probably blow you away with not only dating tales but also medical ones, as well They are actually very much the same as they involve human interaction on a highly personal level.
Sandra says
I have to say Evan has hit it out of the park—trust your gut–and when you run out of words–use your feet–
MrsNiceGirl says
I’ m going through the “EXACT SAME SITUATION” except I stay with my guy and he referrs to me as his girlfriend to some people. I’ve told him how it hurts me that hes still on those friend finder websites and he doesnt answer. I peek at the history on his phone occasionally and find he goes on there daily when I’m not around. He’s very sweet to me most of the time but wont say “I love you” back to me and it tears me up. I’m about to force myself to leave him. I will be on the street when I leave him but I will survive. I’m not going to be anyones piece of ass anymore. I’m learning the hard way how to toughen up. No more Mrs. Nice Girl.
Rachel says
I think I could have lived with a lot of this scenario since 3 months is still early in a relationship, that is until reading the part about active dating profiles. Here is the thing, if you are getting to know someone as a friend and potential weighing them as more in the initial dating period, doesn’t it speak volumes that he is still out there looking to acquire other “friends” on dating sites?
Sounds to me that he is keeping his options open in case he didn’t realize something he may find more appealing is out there and in all honesty you should be too.
Don’t invest more of yourself then he is willing to and by all means move on if he isn’t meeting your needs. You can try and talk to him, discuss it, and explain it all you want, but if he isn’t invested to the level you feel you are all you will be doing is wasting your breath. It will fall on deaf ears because emotionally he is not there yet and judging by his actions he is never going to be there with you.
Sorry.
Bev says
Evan was right on target. I actually was in the same situaltion and I walked when I realized it. Best decision I ever made. Keep up the good work, Evan!!!!
Debra says
I agree that you aren’t getting what you want and that he is not ready to give that to you. It seems that he’s not sure you are the one for him since he is still looking. I can understand that he really might not want to commit to a relationship with you if you aren’t the one for him. It’s up to you to decide if you are willing to wait is spite of this lack of commitment that might never come.
I am a woman on that man’s side of the fence right now. I have a great job, my own home (not paid for yet, though), and am a widow of two years. It probably looks like I don’t want to “commit” to the great guy I’ve met even though we like to do similar things and we are physically attracted to each other. I get tired during the week so I like to get with him when I am fresh on the weekends (and ours are “electric” as well). We talk briefly on the phone almost every night during the week, but like I said I’m tired from work or not sleeping well and I don’t want to get his hopes up that we can see each other, then have to cancel.
More complications with my situation, we are both over 50 and he is divorced, doesn’t have a job right now, had to move in with his elderly mother, and he hasn’t told her about us so we aren’t going into his house, and I am not having him over to mine. While I enjoy his company and we both said we aren’t seeing anyone else, I don’t want to have to take care of anyone right now and I think seeing him more often would spoil things. He’s made it pretty clear that he would love to be with me at my house but I’m seeing “golddigger” flags on that. And, I’m still looking online, but I’m not pursuing anyone else online and I would let him know if things were to change in that respect. Evidently I’m not typical for a woman. Just my 2 cents worth.
Zann says
Unbelievable! I loved every single word of it, Evan….every comma, colon, and paragraph break were: Right. On. The. Money. I wish I’d had this tattooed on my brain about 30 years ago. But, as they say, better later than never. Thanks.
Steve says
Bev; Post 17.
Did you tell the guy why you were walking? What did he say? After you left did he ever try to contact you again?
dadshouse says
Three months with you, and he’s still doing online dating? People don’t online date to meet “friends”. And he never calls or sees your during the week? You are his booty call, his friend with benefits. It’s clear you want more than that. Walk away.
KAREN says
WOW! I love this site! I am having so many questions answered. Evan, you are a prince and wise beyond your years. Like EF Hutton – when you talk, everyone listens!!
I am learnig and growing so much from all the answers you all have given. A million thanks to you all!!
Good Luck and much success to us all!
Kitty says
Ev,
It’s so funny bcs as I was reading this letter, I was formulating what you’d say and I was right. Am I finally getting it?
You’re amazing!
Joanna says
Evan you have helped me so much. I just cut off a guy I was seeing for under 3 months because he wouldn’t make the effort to spend more time with me. He would call me alot and spend hours on the phone but weeks would go by without me seeing him. He lives an hour away from me, but that shouldn’t be an excuse. What do you guys think about this situation? I wasn’t asking to see him everyday, but I didn’t want to wait weeks to see him either. My situation is the reverse and I wonder if I acted to soon?
Anonymous says
Hi Joanna
My boyfriend drove 3 hours every weekend to see me i dont believe 1 hour is that far when someone really wants to be with you.
Joanna says
I forgot to say that in my conversation with him, when I told him I wanted to spend more time with him and that I didn’t think he was very That didn’t feel very nice! interested in me; he told me that he does what he can.
Margaret says
OT
Debra #19
You can do better! This guy sounds like a loser.
Dana says
Excellent Advice Evan!
I always wonder what the outcome is, we alway hear the situation and the advice, but I would love to hear what the person ultimately ends up doing (the result).
Love reading your site!
Steve says
Joanna;
To answer your question in post #25 I don’t think so. I live in a congest metropolitan area. An hour is considered nothing for a commute to a job, even less to go to something really special. Like most guys a new woman in my life I am excited about is special. An hour’s drive, over black ice, while it is raining? No problem….
About post #26, after that comment of his I don’t think it matters whether he was interested or not. Based on his answer, you weren’t in a very important position in is life.
smartcookie says
Evan rocks! He hits the nail on the head EVERY time.
Selena says
Joanna,
You posted the same questions on the thread, “Why do men act interested if they’re really not”. There are some responses there to you.
Michele says
Jennifer, in my opinion it doesn’t matter if you are in your 20’s, 40’s or 60’s. Three months is a fairly significant period of time to learn about a partner.
I was with you in every sense of what you wrote including his former failed relationships…..hey that happens. BUT when you mentioned that he’s still active on dating sites – that’s more than a RED flag. And he allows you to know that….another even bigger RED flag.
Yes, you like him – well, you’re crazy about him and to dismiss him will hurt. You enjoy his company (when the two of you are together) and apparently “some” connection has been made – in spite of his deficiencies.
Personally I would give him one more diplomatic ultimatum as per Evan. Observe how he reacts. If his behaviour is positive — great. If his behaviour is indifferent — even GREATER. You will then know that it’s time to re-activate your profile and keep in mind there are a lot of fish in the sea (however inadequate that seems at this moment).
Allow for some grieving time and consider him yet another life experience. You will be an even better person with more practical savvy about life. And I know these things from several closely related personal “relationships” or lack thereof, that parallel your present dilemma.
Please consider letting us know what happens, Jennifer. I think you know we are forthright with interest especially since the majority seem to share the same option(s) in your case.
Eda says
Like everyone else, I think Evan’s advice was perfect as it allows you to be in control, respectful, and dignified. No matter what the outcome, you will be proud of yourself for being so classy and he’ll probably be impressed too (not that impressing him is a goal, it’s just a nifty side effect.)
One thing I’ve learned from this type of situation is that as women we really have to listen and believe men when they tell us right from the beginning what type of relationship they are seeking. When a man says he’s been hurt and he wants to take things slow and not jump into anything too quickly, I intrepret that as he only wants something casual. He’s not ready for a serious relationship, and I think it’s ok to not want a serious relationship as long as you are honest. All too often, however, when a man tells a woman he’s not ready to be serious, but she really likes him and it seems that he really likes her, a woman will think that he might change his mind — or that she can make him change his mind, but many times he won’t. So, now, the woman is left broken-hearted and the guy is confused because he thought he made his intentions clear. It’s a lose lose for everyone.
So if you want a boyfriend, don’t spend anytime on a man who tells you early on that he only wants something casual — especially if that man has all the qualities you want in a boyfriend. Move onto the next man who is seeking the type of relationship you are. You’ve got a much better chance of having all of your needs met because you won’t have to talk him into giving you what you want — he’s already there.
Selena says
Jennifer,
Have you ever dated someone who was ‘crazy about you’? Even if you found you didn’t return the same feelings? What characterized that? I bet the guy wanted to see you often, no? Not just week-ends, but week days as well. And if he was busy, didn’t he call to say, “Hi, how’s your day going?” Did he invite you out often? To his home? To meet his friends? To do things with him that he might otherwise do on his own? Like running errands, meeting up at a sports bar to watch a game, making a brief appearance at an event he really didn’t want to go to, but was expected to show his face?
When someone is really interested they make time to be with the person they are interested in, even if it’s to do things that may seem mundane. The “fun” is in simply spending time together, even if it’s hanging out together not doing a damn thing. (Great fun with the right person.) Contrast that with this guy.
It would appear you have a guy who likes you. But he likes you *causally*. The fact he is still active on dating sites pretty much slams that point home. After 3 mos., he’s not going to suddenly fall madly in love with you because you’ve been “patient”, it’s either there or it’s not, and enough time has passed for that determination to have been made.
Confront him if you need to hear it words, otherwise go about your life not expecting anything more from Mr. Casual than he has thus far offered. Being patient for 6 mos., a year, isn’t going to change anything. Except perhaps a feeling within yourself that you have wasted your time.
Andrea says
This reads like a letter from someone who already knows the answer and needs/wants it validated.
I echo Evan’s advice and the replies here. It sounds that you two want different things and so it’s best to break up and move on. It could encourage him to commit. However, don’t give your hopes up- and don’t tell yourself that you aren’t giving your hopes up if you are. If reconciliation happens it happens.
This is one of those cases of if it’s meant to be it will be. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you.
BeenThruTheWars says
Selena, re doing those “mundane things” together when someone really digs you: my husband loves telling the story of the moment he realized he had fallen in love with he. He had just asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend, about 2.5 months in. It was the week between Christmas and New Year’s and he was off of work. He wanted to buy a new toilet seat because his old wooden one had a crack in it and he was worried it would pinch my butt! (Apparently, getting his own butt pinched hadn’t been a big enough incentive to replace it prior to that.) He invited me to go to Home Depot to pick out a new toilet seat. He was going to get a plain white one, but I talked him into a clear blue one with plastic tropical fishes embedded in it. Totally kitschy and wacky. He loved it. We laughed ourselves silly picking it out. He said later… that looking around at all the couples shopping together for boring, normal household things together made him realize that “you don’t invite ‘just anyone’ to go toilet seat shopping.” That’s when it hit him — he saw us being a real couple, one that was going to last. An epiphany in the Home Depot plumbing parts section. See, that ol’ lightening can strike anywhere! P.S. When he sold his house, the toilet seat came with us to our new home. It’s currently hanging on the wall in the garage like art; when we remodel our bathroom, it undoubtedly will occupy a new place of honor.
Selena says
Great story Beenthruthewars! Yeah, I’d guess you wouln’t “invite just anyone to go toliet seat shopping”. Thanks for sharing that. And it’s true, in early dating, sometimes doing the most mundane things actually creates some of the best memories.
Li-Ann says
Selena – an excellent post about being patient. I found (in my history anyway) that through my dating years in my twenties and thirties, I thought the right thing to do was to be increasingly patient. After all that time I now realize that if he “isn’t that into you” after 6 months, it doesn’t get any better with time. I think it was because when I liked a guy, I therefore wanted to believe whatever excuse he gave me as to why he could only see me infrequently. I would wait patiently, and it didn’t get me anywhere. The guys that truly liked me were all over me with calls, visits, etc. The guys that were stringing me along frequently did give me the speech that they “wanted to take it slow”, but I didn’t listen. My fault there. “Wants to take it slow” always translated to the eventual speech (or slow fade) where he would tell me he’s met someone else, or I’d never here from him again as the absences grew longer and longer.
With all the technology out there to keep in touch, it is harder to explain that you are too busy to make contact. I’m sure you don’t expect an hour long phone call, just a quick hello. Nobody is too busy to do something they want and that gives them pleasure.
Joanna says
Thanks guys! After reading all of the comments, I know I did the right thing by letting go of a guy that couldn’t make time for me. Why does it feel so wrong?? In the bback of my mind, I wonder if he misses the friendship we had or me?
cinnamon says
Joanna,
I’m compelled to quote something I’ve read recently:
“In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry. (…) Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work? We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.”
This basically sums up the wise advice that I received years ago when I was staying in a “should I stay or should I go” situation too long. If you feel you’re doing all the work in a relationship, in a couple of months you’ll start to feel “tired, worn out, needy, and angry” and this will for sure not help to build a healthy relationship with your guy.
BTW, I believe this is gender-neutral.
Joanna says
Thank you Cinnamon! That is so true. Letting go is the hard part and finding someone new seems even harder!
Li-Ann says
Joanna, you wrote “…I wonder if he misses the friendship we had or me?”
That really resonates because I went through those emotions so many times in the past . I would think I had something special with a man. I would convince myself that he must find something unique and special with me, and that he needed this. I would delude myself once he left that one day he’d miss me and come back. However, in so many cases I would just get the “you are really special…but I need to see other people”, or “I’m not ready” speech.
Sometimes another person just isn’t seeing things the way you are. They may really enjoy your company, so it may look that way to you. You have to remember that you can only know what is going on in your head, but you have no idea what he is really thinking.
As I mentioned, I had my hopes that men from the past would return to me because of something that was unique to our relationship – that they’d miss me. It didn’t happen. I’m not the only woman out there. Lots of other women can be just as interesting, fun to be with. You might think he’s the only one, but he might find you, and a whole lot of other women looking interesting to him. If a man doesn’t want to settle down yet, there is a good chance he has his reasons, or that he wants to be open to other possibilities, just in case. It is sad, and I’ve been there, but I wouldn’t hold out hope.
He may call again. Sometimes the guys that tell you they need to see other people do return after a while, often because they’ve had trouble finding someone. I had to decide that I wouldn’t accept that – why should I be the last choice after all other options are exhausted? When they return there is a good chance they’ll soon go back to pushing you to the sidelines. The old patterns will re-appear. Don’t get fooled if he calls again after your break up, unless you see some really significant changes.
Lindsey says
Thanks for the post! I am glad to know that I am not alone in this kind of situation.
I am dating a guy for 6 months now. I really like him. He is a workaholic and he put his job in front of everything. I only see him like once per week which I don’t really mind because I know job is his priority. When we were dating for 3 months, he told me he liked me but he didn’t fall for me. He told me normally he fall for someone pretty fast. I told him it may take time because I didn’t fall for him at that time as well. Therefore we continue dating.
Now, 6 months later, I don’t see any improvement. He still calls me almost every day but normally we only talk for 5 minutes because he is tired after work. He only gets one day off per week. In the past 2 months, he told me he works too much and all he wants to do on his day off is stay home and play video game or watch movie. Therefore, normally we just hang out at his home and watch movie. He will go out with me only if I ask him to. He doesn’t make plan and ask me to do stuff outside of his apartment anymore.
Yesterday, he told me he is going to Italy this summer for vacation but he didn’t invite me to go with him, even I mentioned to him before that Italy is one of the countries I want to visit. He also told me some of his future plans; however, I am not included in his plans. It makes me think he may never fall for me.
Both of us are in our late twenties. He always tell me how much he likes to live by himself and how much he enjoy his alone time at home. At this point of my life, I feel like I want a family but he doesn’t seem like he wants to settle down, at least not with me.
Is 6 months long enough or should I give him a little bit more time? I don’t want to misjudge him and regret in the future.
Selena says
Linsey,
You have been dating a man who is content just to see you casually. He told you after 3 mos. he hadn’t fallen for you and another 3 mos. hasn’t changed that. In fact, it would appear he’s made even less effort to “date” you than before. Not taking you on vaction with him? Seems rather obvious he does not consider you his girlfriend.
You don’t need to give him any more time. Move on to someone who really IS interested in you and leave this guy to his video games.
Lindsey says
Thanks, Selena!
I broke up with him today. This week is a slow week for him. I suggested to go to a Jazz club tonight, which used to be one of the activities we both like to do. However, he made it clearly to me that he doesn’t want to hang out with me during the week. He will only see me during the weekend. He told me if I want more, I should look for someone else. Therefore I told him I am done with him.
I am heart broken now, however, I am not going to look back. I don’t need someone who doesn’t care about me in my life.
Selena says
I’m sorry you are hurting Lindsey, I hope you start feeling better very soon. But you are quite right that you don’t need someone who doesn’t care about you in your life. And it’s actually a good thing this guy was honest enough to tell you if you wanted more you should look for someone else. Think about how much more time you would have wasted had you gone through with “giving him more time”. I suspect you would have been even more disappointed than you are right now. 6 mos. was indeed enough.
Lindsey says
Thanks Selena, you were right. I actually did thank him for being honest with me. Actually I saw the red flags 3 months ago, however, I kept thinking maybe I was just being too sensitive, he was just too busy at work. Now at least I won’t have to make any more guesses, kind of a relief actually.
I am sure I will feel better eventually. Time heals everything.
Tara says
I’d be interested in what Jennifer ended-up deciding…
Rachel says
EMANCIPATE YOURSELF, LADY. Hey, if one of your girlfriends told you about the same kind of situation, what would you be telling her? Give yourself the same advice. Of course, it’s easier when you can step back and take an objective stance. But look at what everyone is saying here. Why are you giving away your power and letting him call the shots? This guy is clearly a loser, and you can do better.
Jennifer says
Hi Evan,
I have to say that you were spot on with your advice to me, which I can clearly see now, and I should have ‘walked’ at that time. Unfortunately, when I got your advice on the blog, I was still delusional, thinking that things would eventually ‘change’ and he would see what an ‘idiot’ HE was being…all the cliche’d ‘answers’ that, if one of my friends were telling me this, I would be all over her to ‘dump the dude!’
Unfortunately, the idiot was ME, and why I didn’t take your prescription for handling my situation right away is still beyond me. Five more months passed, along with the requisite frustration, and then I finally got it. It hit me like a bolt of lightning, and I told him to get lost. It felt VERY freeing to finally kick him to the curb…I just wished I would have ‘gotten it’ months ago!
So..Thank You Evan! I just wanted you to know that your great advice – even through the haze of dating this guy – stuck in the back of my mind and probably saved me a lot more heartache and time in a losing situation.
Jennifer
Been There 2 says
I was in the same exact boat a month ago. I had been with my boyfriend for exactly the same amount of time (3 months), but he wouldn’t call me and was still advertising on a dating site. Exact same scenerio.
I really hate to say this, but I don’t think he’s the guy for you. I didn’t want to think this true and tried as hard as I could to hold on, but in the end he wasn’t ready for a committment. He wanted me…but he, just as you stated your man said, wanted to still have “friends” on these dating sites. Let’s be real, nobody is looking for “friends” on dating sites. If he wanted friends he’d either find them in real life or if he was that desperate he’d join a forum based on an interest of his.
All I know is I don’t want you to go down the same path I did and be hurt the way I felt. In the end, he told me he wanted to be open which I interpreted as I’m the main girl…and he can sleep with other girls on the side. Not ok.
Literally a month after our break up, I found another guy who cares abuout me and is willing to make an effort to call, see me as often as possible, and work on us instead of “him”. It’s so much better this way and much less stressful. I hope you find the same as me. A guy who is ready and willing will not be thinking of other girls period and this issue will not come up.
attractologydatingadvice says
Your advice is spot on. I’m interested in seeing what Jennifer decided
.-= attractologydatingadvices last blog ….Too Much Tongue? =-.
Lost says
I met this guy. Instant chemistry. We slept together first date. Slept together every time we saw each other. We see each other like every three days on average cause he likes his space(We talk almost every day). After a month. He said he wanted me to ask him to move in with me. I didnt of course. He explained to me he thought i wanted him as a homey,lover,friend and i told him this was not true. After a week he told me he think he might have approached me the wrong way or something. We started hanging out more and he cut off the sex. I can tell he is still attracted to me even with my slight advances. He will not sleep with me. He found a way to meet the kids(didnt want to in the beginning); asked for a toothbrush for when he stays the night; among other things. He shows signs of being interested….I can’t get him to sleep with me and its been over 3wks……… im so confused..
Tia says
red flags everywhere, run the other way, he’s wonderful but he’s on dating sites. im sure deep down she know’s hes full of it.
Been There As Well says
I had to find and re-read this letter and Evan’s advice today after going through a similar situation in my own life. The guy is older, single father, and said that he has rushed into relationships into the past and that is why he has to “slow things down” a bit. To him, this means not calling me during the week after fantastic weekends together, and continuing to talk and go out with other women. Evan’s advice is spot on.
Selena says
@#55
I bet there’s another woman out there writing somewhere how her guy is “slowing things down a bit” by not seeing her on the weekends. 😉
Brenda Lee says
Greetings One and All:
I actually used the ultimatum on Thursday, July 8th. By Monday, July 12th, he was apologizing for his bad behavior. Its not that he was dating anyone else, he just didnt know how I felt. Seems that he and I had our wires crossed. And because of it, we are talking way more than we ever had and in the past two days, we are totally excited about being each others sweety.
Thanks Evans!!!
starthrower68 says
Brenda Lee,
I’d be willing to bet your situation is the exception rather than the rule. But good for you for having the courage to stand up for what you wantg and say no to what you don’t want.
Evan Marc Katz says
That’s not the point, Starthrower. Having the talk isn’t about getting him to step up and commit; it’s to end the cycle of insecurity and get clarity on your relationship, instead of suffering silently. Even if he said he was letting her go, the conversation had it’s intended effect.
Brenda Lee says
Thanks Evan. The talk was to get what I wanted, clarification on the status of us. It’s fifteen days later and we are still feeling good about us as a couple and still working on us as a couple. It’s very sweet actually. My reason for showing up was to share the article with a friend. She has been seeing a guy, long distance, for four months. He claims his past marriages make him slow to commit. I have given no advice, well except to send her this article and the choice.
Again, Thanks Evan!!!
StillBelieve says
Just like Jennifer’s story, I am in almost exact the same place today… I fall for him since our first date… a little over two month now, I am sitting here feeling sad and miserable, confused about what’s next? I sense something is not right for the the time being, maybe I am just naive, I still believe if a man cares for me he would want to spend as much time as he can with me… but, should I confront or give him more time?. After spending hours of reading and through all 60 comments from all of you, I found the answer I need… Just want to say THANK YOU ALL! It’s time for me to give the “ultimatum” and let him know what I need, perhaps walk away with my head up high is the lesson to learn in life. Thanks Evan, Thanks All!
shaz says
I’m in the exact position as jennifer,i’m seeing this guy who i met on a dating site.We talked everyday for 2 months as friends never dreaming we’d meet as he didnt seem my type.He told me of his past relationships and how bad they were,all longterm that ended badly,and i told him mine.Fed up with countless crappy dates i told him one day i was leaving the site and he suggested meeting for coffee maybe,he and i wanted to keep the friendship going.We swapped phone numbers and a few weeks later we met at a coffee shop.Niether bargained on fancying each other but we had an instant attraction,just like Jennifer and her man but i’m now in her position.I usually make plans and he goes along with it but unlike her fella mine txt’s me alot everyday…still very confusing and hes a commitment phobe too,using his past to keep me at arms length.I was going to post this to evan but after reading his answer to jennifer i know now what to do so thankyou.
p.s
im in love with this man and it hurts me too that he’s still using the dating site,a friend of mine says hes on everyday so even though i knew the answer myself its good to have clarification!!
aussiecountrygirl says
My mantra is be a “walker” not a “stalker” – don’t torment yourself checking websites to see if he is still active – the first one you saw was sufficient – if he can’t come up with a really, really good reason for that and only wanting a weekend relationship then it is time to walk.
I recently walked from a relationship with a bloke that I’ve known nearly 20 years and had always thought we were friends. He’d passively “wanted” me for a long time and earlier this year we started a relationship. I soon realised that “friends” is a subjective term and that I should remember that it means different things to each of us although I believe the commonalities are a given. He “measured” his contact with me, never called more than twice a week, due to distance we spent weekends together when we could and after each he would cool his contact for a while and then gradually build up again. Wouldn’t discuss “us” in any context and just smiled and went quiet. After 6 weeks of it I decided to walk – it was not fun or healthy and I was out of there.
He now has all the distance he desires from me … and I’m happy again.
Walk girl, run if you have to!
Selena says
aussiecountrygirl,
I really like your mantra: “Be a walker, not a stalker.” That’s great! 🙂
fearstheloss says
its very good thing ive stumbled upon this article and site, since my situation i think is somehow similar to selena, it made me think upon my relationship too.
ive been seeing a guy for about 3 months now, and we both have agreed to give the relationship a try. simillar to most of the girls, we just usually see each other during the weekends due to work and distance, we do communicate from time to time during the week. my worries are he dont seem to be too keen to see me, i’m the one who ask him out if we could be together. he also uses an excuse of not used to seeing someone often, and is used to having his alone time. he got a 2 week off and i was free for the day and i ask to see him, but then he says he would rather spent it with himself, likely with his mates too, since he just spent the weekend with me and next week he’d be spending it all with me. we met in a dating site, and he still has his up as well, and uses the excuse that he had some friends there too. i dont want to be too clingy or needy but this worries gives me doubt to the relationship. so i guess, i would try and talk it out and see where it goes.
aussiecountrygirl says
feartheloss
Have the talk but be prepared to walk if he doesn’t change his tune. Better to be honest than make up excuses and he’s holding you up from finding either the man of your dreams or a really great new friend.
Catharine says
I wish that I had read the response from Evan 2 years ago. I was involved with an “asshole”, not once, twice but three times. I fell for the I love you and all the junk and he still treated me like garbage. Life is too short to waste it on people who are unwilling or unable to be truthful and treat you well. Don’t waste any more time!
Vanessa says
Finally! This topic has cleared up so much for me. Although the fear of denial plays a big part in why it is so hard to be tough and walk away, unsure of if he will follow. After putting so much time and effort along with serious feelings and a romantic chemistry it would be a blow to our ego and our emotions to find out all we are is a weekend booty call. But its definitely better to find out sooner than later!!!
Thanks, for posting this article.
It has made me see clearer!
feartheloss says
thanks aussiecountrygirl i had the talk with him, and he stick to the not being able to see each other as much due to distance. but eventually, after discussing that we might just have to go our seperate ways, he cried and expresses that its something he wishes not to happen. he had brought his dating site profile down and the holiday was fun. he still have some of the annoying attitude to the relationship, but i guess, were still working it out. better to look for some of evans advices on other issues.
Lis says
I can so relate to many of these postings. I met a fabulous man. 15 years older. A great deal in common and were in similar businesses. He comes on very strong the first couple of dates and then he started pushing me away. We talked about it openiy. He told me he wanted to take things slow and that he is still isnt over his ex (broke up over 2 years ago). After going through a roller coaster of emotions I become determined to really lay it on the line. Which was hard becasue I turn to mush when I am around him. Yes Yes I know..no comments needed. So I sit him down and tell him. He responds by saying he wants me to be his girlfriend, but he wants things to go very very slow. Nothing pysical has happened between us. However, I notice that he keeps affection at min. He has said to me that I scare him. Ok we have gone out and doen business together for 4 months….. alittle reassurance is to mych to ask for? Something that let’s a woman know…your mine and I care for you.
Selena says
Lis,
You need to ask yourself why you are bothering at all with someone who keeps affection at the minimum. If it’s like this in the beginning it will NEVER improve. Let this one go. Please.
Dean Kaplan says
@Lis #70
That’s pretty weird. As I read your comment, I swore you guys were having sex. For him to say that and he’s not even getting any sex out of it… No offense, but are you sure he isn’t gay?
Brenda Lee says
Hi Evan
Just an update to my previous post: Since July and the ultimatum, things have gone from good to great. I knew I loved him but gave him some room to deal with his feelings. One night while on the phone, he said thats one of the reasons I love you. I jokingly said just one? to which he responded babe, I love you and I love everything about you. But what was best? He didnt miss a beat. He didnt stop and ask me did I hear him or did I love him back he just went back to talking about what he loved about me.
I am not a fan of ultimatums either but for your own sanity, take a deep breath, memorize the line and walk. You want the best, dont ya? Then stand up for it by demanding it. We teach others how to treat us. So if you feel you are being treated well, then you are a most gifted teacher!!!!
Richard says
Neat, Evan, neat.
Once I worked out that women in LA and other big cities in this country do this arse-covering too, (and I was brought up in a country and an environment where thy didn’t, so that took a wrench!) , I learned to avoid those sorts. But it’s tough.
It’s tough because most people with all the availability around find temptations to be like this, so even good people can be on a selfish-stupid path like the guy herel And not know it.
There needs to be some emotional ed for otherwise decent people to show them what they’re doing tol themselves and others!
Susanne says
Ugh! I can so relate to this. Thank you Evan for your tough love honesty.
Ames says
Thank you! I bought WHD and have read and reread your blog. I’m a realist and your material is helping me so much!
Shayla says
Not sure how long ago this was posted. Just found this site today. love it btw!
As long as he is not calling or making contact during the week and he still has his profile up on dating sites, you know where you stand. You are an option, nothing more. He’s still looking around for someone to make his woman and when he finds her you are gone. You can make an excuse for anything else, hurt in the past, wanting to be sure, blah blah. A man doesn’t take that long to make up his mind on whether he wants you or not and he will make it clear.
You are much better than that Jennifer so you do not wait around at all. He does not want you and he doesn’t deserve you quite frankly. Tell him to go kick rocks and mean it.
Lorainne says
The sad truth is that if you don’t take action, he will most certainly leave you. As much as you hope for things to change and improve, there’s almost no chance once this sort of pattern is established. You are where he wants you. You are now in a holding pattern pending his eventual exit, and probably sooner rather than later. Either way, this is a heartbreak waiting to happen. I speak from personal experience; settling for a relationship that serves his convenience doesn’t work, and it just goes from bad to worse. The sooner you leave him, the sooner you will start to heal and be available to find someone capable of a healthy relationship.
bILEE says
So glad to have found this post, wish i had found this earlier. I like your response Lorraine, gospel truth!! As humans we naturally seek love and affection to exist,fully exist but far too often we fall into the “settling” pattern because we emote from our hearts and not our heads. Once the connection is made with someone we deem as potential, or possibly “the one” most will throw caution to the wind, hop in the fast lane, and try to speed our way to that blissfull ending. For a lucky few,the object of your affection will be on the same page as you, therefore, you most certainly will avoid getting pulled over or left in total devastation picking up pieces, everything will be in sync, planets may even align to salute you both. For the unlucky ones including myself, once we’ve found “the one” whom we desire, we start off with unrealistic views of perfected love, we focus on that mutual chemistry, we omit that oh so needed interview of him, we get caught in the” playing it by air” lifestyle because he is evasive, we accept him saying, he’s not comfortable with labels or just to trust the process. W e forget that although we know every inch of his body, we know nothing about his heart or his mind, and eventually we crash and burn . We fall in love with strangers, who from the beginning intended to be just that to us, but we hang on for dear life, because this stranger becomes our reason to breathe. My guyfriend never made me feel secure,he was never curious about anything in my life or if i was seeing other people (stupid I know). Lack of clarity or direction in any relationship is a doomed ending, it should always be determined if you are heading to the same destination,and how you plan on getting there. As women, we cannot keep entering into relationships without establishing direction, and expect it to be fullfilling I failed to be decisive about what I needed from my guyfriend(for lack of a better term), i suggested,hinted but didn’t respect or love myself enough to walk when he clearly expressed he wanted to coast, even tho coasting extended for 1yr without me ever feeling special or hopeful about a future with him. This failure to cut loose at his failure to commit caused me to be become an anxious, emotional,untrusting, argumentive woman. He would see me often but somehow, i would leave after seeing him feeling empty everytime. I panicked when ever he didn’t call ot text for a day,or too, because I lacked clarity. Although i saw him often it was always me requesting, missing, wanting together time. Most days I felt if I dropped of the earth, life would continue without a hitch for him, simply put, I knew I was irrelevant in his life. It was no surprise to learn he was seeing other women and sleeping with them as well. Long to short, I lived in misery, everyday wondering when he would eventually dump me today???, waiting, waiting, waiting…He finally did after I told him I knew he was seeing other people, which he denied followed by “we are toxic for each other, so it’s done.” I deserved that really, what person sticks around never getting validation from the person you with? He never told me I love you, I wanna be be you, all I got was, ” I’m tryna see where this goes”..We have to start valuing ourselves much much more, so as not to accept this from any man regardless of feelings. Months of fun rides and day to day thrills shouldn’t be enough, in the end all we’re left with is emotional plunder , anger and resentment and not to mention a shattered self esteem, no one to blame but ourselves really!!, I say RUN EXPRESS!!! …signed on my way to emotional wellness. lol
Annette says
Love the advice Evan and will keep that exit line in my back pocket. I also found this comment from #78 interesting….
“You are now in a holding pattern pending his eventual exit, and probably sooner rather than later”
Or on the flip side is he behaving ‘badly’ so she will leave him. Much less messy for him and way less effort. Sounds like a guy thing to do.
Danielle says
After reading this website couple of days ago, thank you Evan. I finally walked away from my long distance relationshp after a year. We live a hour away from each other. He would not commit to me and I really like the guy. From the begining It was great between. He never introduced me to his friends or his family.
I am hurting, angry and upset with myself right now, because I waited over a year or so for him to commit to me. He wouldn’t make the effort to spend time with me and always making up excuses he cannot meet up. He only wanted me as a fuck buddy, I realised after reading this. I needed to move on and let him go. Basically I gave him a ultimatum he replied was “Ok, Good Bye” That was 2 days ago and haven’t heard from him since. I am heartbroken.
claire says
Have just read this today ,im in the same situation he finally is off the dating site,
but i still dont trust him!! I feel he will always be looking makes me feel very insecure and unwanted.. he now tells me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me ..after 6 months!! but feel so hurt ..i love him but deep down i know im not getting my needs met and think the very fact he carried on on these sites show like you say im not his first priority and probally never will be …we have been to gether nearly 11 months and know deep down i need to move on!!
mandy says
hey ,i totally understand,iv also been dating this guy for 1 month and 2weeks.and he claims to like me alot,bt i just dont get why he is still on dating site like every day,i didnt need a pastor to reveal to me he was seeing other girls so i reactivated my acct which i closed after i met him,and got sme guys contact and am kinda talking to him nw,,i tld the first guy i was dating that i decieded to see other pple since hes doing same and since he said it takes him 5 months to commit,and he was completely ok with that,and am like wtf,this is so wrong and it shws he doesnt really care or hv alittle jealousy.that turned me off
although i like him alot ,i cant wait for 5months neither wld i date multiple guys ,i deserve better and i want a guy who is completely satisfied with me and i dnt mind waiting until i find him. GUYS UGGGGGGGGH
Elle says
Evan,
All I can say is WOW! Where were you when I needed you right after my divorce several years ago? You are so right on target with this, it is amazing. What I have learned is that when someone wants to be with you this crazy tug of war doesn’t exist. It is just easy. Being authentic comes naturally, no games are played. And you don’t waste endless hours worrying about everything. While relationships take work to last, it is an even give and take. Not one side doing all the taking!
I love the mirror concept. It makes it easy to know how to respond. Simply put…easy “rules” to follow.
Keep on making a difference in our dating lives! THANK YOU!
Hbs38 says
I just re-read this blog for the third time over the last month. I copied the ultimatum down and plan to give it within the next week (he’s out of town for a few days). My situation is that we’ve been seeing eachother for 3 1/2 months, with a 2 week break at about 6 weeks (I had a needy drunken meltdown and freaked him out). Initially we had both taken down our dating profiles immediately, but during the break he put his back up. After the break we’ve been back to normal, which is seeing eachother 2-3 times per week and talking at least for a few minutes everyday. We also just got back from a great 5 day vacation, with lots of hints at the future mentioned, even marriage which shocked me…Great right? But I went online today to check his profile, because i told myself after the trip it better be down, and saw his pof profile is still up (you don’t have to be a member to seach). To make matters worse, he was online today. My heart is broken…I am in love with him (though neither has expressed it)…but I respect myself enough to know I will not sit around waiting to see if he’ll find the “next best thing,” or “settle” on me. By the way, he’s 40, never been married (I know, first red flag), and I’m divorced after a 19 year relationship. I will keep you all posted on how things go. I really hate this dating crap 🙁
DENA says
I am in the same boat, went through all the bullshit and to think im moving forward … it was just the wind blowing threw my hair when i looked back to see myself still standing there in deep thought second guessing myself on just the time thats passing me bye , Waiting on this guy….
ive been with this guy for 6 years and let me tell u,… in any other relationship before this, the shit that he has done or said or have treated,… he wouldve been toast…. but i take it, and i deal with it and i cant figure it out to save my little cotten socks…
but just as u described… thats how it was for me to…. i later learned that i wasnt the only one that he was involved with…..if u continue this before its to late your going to go through what im going through and let me say this only once…..WHEN SOMEONE PLAYS GAMES WITH SOMEONES HEAD AND MIND AND MOSTLY THEIR HEART….. AND TO THINK ITS FUNNY AND LAUGH ABOUT THEM IN THEIR FACE, OVER HEAR YOUR CONVERSATIONS AND TO BE CONFRONTED TO ONLY GET LIED TO TO MAKE YOU THINK UR HEARING THINGS OR YOUR CRAZY ITS “ALL IN YOUR HEAD BULLSHIT” CRAP,DONT THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT THE PERSON YOUR DOING THIS TOO, MAY TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL….
CAUSE IN A COUPLE DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS HAVE ALMOST TAKE’N ME TO THAT LEVEL… “6 FEET UNDER”…..
THE ONLY REASON WHY HE WILL ONLY SEE YOU A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK IS BECAUSE HES WITH SOMEONE ELSE. YOUR NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ON HIS LIST….AND YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS…. but its gonna get worse if u stay…. dont be stupid like me. learn from me…. trust what im saying… pay attention to EVERYTHING , times, dates, phone numbers everything as far even conversations with u and him and friends u both keep…. ull definitly catch him… if he hass a cell phone look at the text messages…. send them to ur phone and dont tell him anything unless u have enough evidence to fry him on… cause little bye little wont cut it…. be on top of ur game and TRUST NO ONE cause everyone is fucking ur man and ur eating all ur friends and everyone elses pussy too. (keep that in mind) yuk! sorry to be so blunt,… cant help it, better to just say as i see it….and more then likely he doesnt wear a condom either cause “who wears condoms with their wife or girlfriends”? hmmmmm? take my advice and leave him. hes a liar and a cheat!!
Ladybug says
Debra #19
Eerily seems like we have the same man, your name being that of his exGF who he was going to try to get back together with last spring (but didn’t) and moving in with his elderly mother last December. I don’t get weekends, being led to believe he is doing family stuff. Since his mother hates my guts and I don’t put up with her hagnasty, he is protecting both of us from her whack attacks. I don’t have him to my home during the week, either, and we don’t have sex. Unless you are one of the super rich, you wouldn’t consider the guy a golddigger, though. Weird. I guess these same patterns are repeated everywhere.
I have no idea how old these posts are……
As far as timelines for commitments, there are far too many variables applying to individuals, their personhood, and situations for there to be rules.
3 months? My man and I were just standing close enough and touching at 3 months. His mother roared up in her Buick and wantd to know what he was doing in there. She saw my truck. “Just talking, Mom.” I roared with laughter, TEENAGE FLASHBACK! We kissed a week later and I fainted.
We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months and it was wow at first sight for both of us. We met through business. We still have a business arrangement that needs to be preserved. That was a very dark time in both our lives, both of us beginning recovery from life changing losses and traumas. More valid reasons to slow the Love Train down! Nothing good comes from being two astroids hurtling through space on a collison course!
He and I have taken breaks from each other for unfinished business of past relationships. We both had exes who wanted to get back together. I made it clear to him I do see other men because they are friendships, but he would remain the only one I make out with and I’m not having sex with anyone. In a small town it’s easy to know everyone’s business. We’ve had misunderstandings, we get confused, we work it through, we communicate.
In the time we have between him running 3 businesses, being the sole carpenter and general contractor rebuilding his lovely home and putting up with his unreasonable mother, I see him striving to correct relationship mistakes of his past, struggling with emotional intimacy with me without hiding afterward. I see his pain and insecurities. He sees my vulnerability. He knows when he screws up and he apologizes and corrects himself. I do the same for him. He is genuinely remorseful when something he does causes me to feel bad and we discuss needs and solutions.
I do not behave the way typical women and girlfriends behave. I refused to initiate The Talk About the Relationship. When he brought it up, HE didn’t know where it was going. I said let it be here and now instead of trying to time warp. When he gets too grumpy, I give him a kiss and tell him I’m sorry he’s having a bad day and I leave. I’ll show up in a couple of days or week when he’s relaxing after work with a pie. He lights up surpised like I’m not angry and yelling or that I bother to show up at all!
I get hugs and kisses, physical and emotional intimacy, validation, good conversation. The man SHOWS me love in his face and his posture, the things he does for me and the respect he has for me. He doesn’t SAY the words…yet.
So it’s been 10 months without commitment. I haven’t asked for one. I did tell him recently I hoped to someday have a real relationship with him. That led to another level of vulnerability and disclosure of thoughts and feelings, it was good. I see this shy man making an effort at relationship skills and emotional intimacy with me. He’s a man I’ve spent hours with talking and enjoying it. I feel with as much as this adorable man has going on right now, as long as there’s growth, I can wait until his house is finished, he’s home again and he’s not distracted and driven crazy by building inspectors, blueprint errors, subcontractors, wrong lumber orders and his hagnasty mother.
We haven’t had sex yet. Wasn’t there a timeline rule for that too? 3 dates, 10 dates or after we’re married!??!
Meanwhile I still have a life of my own that includes lots of men.
Michelle says
As a woman you have to be clear what it is you want. If you don’t specify then don’t expect a commitment. I would discuss your feelings after three months and tell him that you are at a stage in the relationship where you have deeper feelings. If he does not repsond and is on match sites he is not interested in a long term relationship. My opinion is to tell him how you feel, be clear, concise, and emotionless. Don’t cry, don’t get mad, just be matter of fact. If he says “I just want a friendship” then you need to either decide to wait it out or move on. There are so many men who do want a relaionship one guy is not worth so much energy. You had sex with this guy too early and now you have the PEA punch in love. I suggest you stop having sex with him until you get the desired response and if you don’t, move on…..
Chiquituno says
“If he follows, he’s your boyfriend”. Probably not. He’ll just follow you out of selfishness and will continue to use you. Keeping you as an option. You’ve expressed your needs. He can’t meet them. He’ll continue with his same MO. If he follows you with a different one, one that fits your needs, then maybe, just maybe, he’ll be your boyfriend if you can truly communicate and make progress around those pink or red flags. Personally, I’d walk, mourn and move on.
Rebecca says
Lust is lust. Infatuation is not love. You are infatuated b/c you are uncertain. Love takes time. Relationships take years. Love doesn’t happen in three months.
Do what you feel will make you happy in the end.
Yellow Hammer says
I appreciate the amazing post 🙂
bratzygal says
What an amazing post to stumble across. I was trying to workout if I was going to overreact about my BF of 3 months still having an active online dating profile. We have been seeing each other for 3 months, ringing and emailing every second night and seeing each other every two weeks for a few nights (we live five hours apart). We had “the talk” more then two weeks ago where we stand with loyalty and that we are in a relationship & he had said that he was going to close his profile. He rings me yesterday afternoon and says that he received an email from a lady who lives half an hour away from him and she like hunting too and would it bother me if he emailed her back and said they could be friends? I asked if he was serious, his profile still said he was looking for “dating & relationship” & that he had said he would close it. He said that I was just being jealous & there is no difference to walking up the street and a random person stops you in the street and says, hey nice dogs, let go pighunting and you strike up a friendship. I told him the difference is that he is initiating new female friendships from a dating site and that is disrespectful to me. I am all for him having friends but not like that, the intentions are not exactly pure are they. Anyway, after much thought, I decided I didn’t like the way that made me feel and he has since updated his profile today telling people how to contact him on facebook and that he open to their communication. So….I have walked. Even though I am heartbroken, I feel good about my decision and standing up for myself and what I won’t put up with in a relationship. How could I ever trust him now, his integrity has taken a battering. Plenty more fish in the sea I guess. Thanks everyone for the advice, it really helped.
DMC says
The only part I agree with Evan on is the dating site thing – that is definitely a red flag. If he was serious, he would cut that off.
I don’t think the arms-length thing is a bad excuse at all. You are basically assuming he is lying and don’t really offer him any way to prove your accusation wrong. It’s sort of like when someone says “if you disagree with me, you are an idiot!”. If they don’t disagree, you win, and if they do, well they just walked right into your point!
Also the weekend girlfriend thing I see as a good sign. How do you know he isn’t busy with work and such during the week? If he was really looking to play the field, he likely wouldn’t be tying up his prime free time (weekends) with one woman. Now if he was making time for you/steady loving on Tues and Thursday only, THEN I could see a problem.
Pushing for a conversation he isn’t ready to have is no different than the pressure a man puts on you to have sex when you aren’t ready.
iasaiaam says
DMC
I couldn’t agree with you more! I’m seeing an engineer who also happens to be a Leo astrologically, so both his personality and his work keep him busy during the week. He’s always got some project in and out of work that he’s tinkering with!
It’s been 3 months and it’s been great for me too! I have a pretty busy life too and couldn’t afford him more than the weeknd Or a camping trip here and there anyway. I go to the gym, hike dogs, work, hike dogs again!, clean house, do yard work! Plenty busy 🙂
I love that we understand each other’s need for space and that we both use the time we have together to completely decompress from the world! We hike the best mountains, eat at the best eateries, kick back at the greatest and breweries in Phoenix, and have the most awesome sex life ever! ♡♡
Jessie says
Wow! I was in the same boat up until two days ago. I met a guy on a dating site. It seemed like we had a lot in common. Said he had dated girls in the past that had kids and one girl that had no job for 3 years. I have everything together. Been seeing him for seven months. I finally just lost it on him. He only has three days off a week and we always hung out on two of the three days. He was constantly still on the dating site. I badgered him so much about it that he finally hid his profile or maybe he cancelled his membership. We got into it in a text message argument because he just said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I explained I am in my thirties and I was looking to get married and have kids so I asked that he not waste my time. It just made me mad that he complained about about all the other people he went out with and he was still fishing around. He said because he “paid” for it. Which I thought was ridiculous. After our argument, the next day he was back on the dating site and even put something on Facebook that said he was single even though he never even put on there he was in a relationship anyway. I deactivated my page and he thought I deleted him. When he saw I was on chat he deleted it immediately. This guy is 30 years old. Talk about immature. I just never knew this type existed. There are the players and you can tell but it’s hard to figure it out when someone is constantly taking you on dates, you assume they like you, just to find out later, they have their own selfish intentions. Well, Karma is a bitch. They can keep going on these dating sites fishing around for Ms. Perfect. Good luck to them. The funny thing is I was kind of trapped because I told him I went on some dates on the dating site and he said I was shady. Really? You’re not ready for a relationship, but I can’t go on dates with other guys? What kind of crap is that?
NonExist says
Regarding Jennifer, I totally agree with Evan.
She should most definitely get rid of this guy because he is using her as a stopgap.
The emotional length I could understand out of his fear if it were the only component.
But him still having his profile up means that he is still actively looking for someone else despite having “friends” listed.
Personally if I am spending the whole weekend with a woman, every weekend for three months I’d have already asked her to be exclusively my girlfriend. Otherwise I would not be spending every whole weekend with her.
As far as contact during the week, I’m not a very verbal person and since not much about current events really motivates me to talk about it at length, I may not call but once or twice. But I would be willing to listen to whatever my SO had to say when I did.
Carol says
Absolutely love this advice! I had to laugh! It made me feel liberated just readiif it and i
Agining saying it to the commitment-phone in my life! I’m gonna try it! I got nothing to lose!
Lisa says
Great advice and glad you made the jump to tell him you were moving on… btw is everyone on this site in their 20’s and 30’s? I feel old here.. I’m in my late 40’s… Evan’s advice is great regardless of age. I have some cool stories for the woman wanting reality dating stories..
Mich says
3Months that is all. Try 9 years of being with someone always doing things for him and never taking the next step like moving in together etc etc. Now that is a waste of time.
Doug Harper says
No two relationships are the same. Step back, take some alone time and listen to your heart. Then be honest and tell him what you feel.
Me says
I think the “RESPONSE” given wasn’t accurate!
The best way to deal with this is to tell him you love him, he doesn’t want to tell you he loves you because he afraid of rejection, that’s why he is active on dating sites, so that he always has a “back up plan”
Lisa Harris says
Great advice as per usual Evan. I’m usually just a lurker to these types of posts, but I thought I’d add some input for a change.
As Eda correctly pointed out in post #33, looking for signs at the beginning of a relationship is crucial. Dropping hints to see whether he is after something casual, or something more serious can save a lot of heartache. However, in most cases, guys just take much longer to get that feeling of commitment as opposed to women.
Once you understand men, you can separate the prince charmings from the frogs fairly quickly. Unfortunately, many women follow their hearts a little too much, which often leads to tears!
Lisa Harris ~
karla says
I didn’t read all the replies but I wonder why us women (and maybe even men) KNOW what is going on and don’t just stand up for themselves. We hear it, see it, feel it in our gut and keep pushing for a relationship while making excuses for everything. I know it is hard to want to keep feeling connected to someone who you have already had intimacy with, but why is it so hard to let go? Even as I write this I know the answer. People don’t want to be alone. They want to feel loved and love others. Intimacy is a HIGH! You have all kinds of hormones and neurotransmitters firing you up, keeping you happy and once you feel the threat of loosing that, it becomes unbearable to live without it. Thats what makes you act all crazy and push even harder, and what leaves you feeling drained, sad and more alone than ever.
Ana says
Yep Evan, that work’s like a charm. Did for me. I let my commitment phobe boyfriend (my story sounds similiar to Jennifer’s) know I loved him but let him know just because I loved him didn’t give him carte blanche to abuse me; and then I took a hike. I refused his text, his phone calls, and even avoided him when he showed up at my door. After a few weeks of this I relented to hear him out. Now he calls me all the time, is considerate of my feelings, and is hounding me to get married – something I myself don’t want to rush into at this point. Jennifer, take that advice. If he comes back it’s real, but if he doesn’t, it never was. Don’t let anyone abuse you emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
Kim says
Evan,
you hit the nail on the head…and this post really helped me with my problem…I’ve walked with a similar ultimatum and now I feel for some reason that I was wrong or guilty…what’s up with that? Anyway, after reading this, I’m sticking to my guns on this one – I spent way more than 3 months – and it’s time to keep it movin’… I deserve better and so does any woman of value.
Katarina Phang says
What about just mirroring him aka date him and other guys? Give him the chance to develop emotional attachment while also keeping your options open. There is no fixed timeline for any one when love should happen. It varies differently depending on circumstances. The only problem is when a woman invests more in him than he’s ready to invest in her.
Lucilla says
I’m in a similar situation, but without the dating site presence. I met him 3 months ago when he relocated to my city, but things haven’t gone well for him here and he recently applied for a job in his old city which he didn’t end up getting. I felt at that time OK about it as I didn’t feel that after 3 months I have the right to stop him doing what he has to do in his life. That was a few weeks ago and he’s still here, but I suddenly feel like I need more from him. I get mixed messages, he says he really likes me, makes plans for the future, introduced me to his friends and family and we have a lot in common and a lot of fun together, but he’s also been hurt really badly in the fairly recent past (just over a year ago), and when I mentioned that I loved something about him, and he misheard and thought I was telling him I loved him, he breathed a huge sigh of relief that I didn’t actually say that. That hurt me because even though I’m not in love with him yet, I could be but I can’t let it happen if he’s not open to it. I know he’s stressing about his life and where he’s going with it, and I’m trying to be mindful of that, but I really need to talk to him about how he feels about me, because if there’s no possibilty of him letting his walls down and trusting me not to tear his heart out, or even if he doesn’t see that he could fall in love with me, then I need to know and get out now. I’m scared of scaring him off, so I don’t want to do it as an ultimatum, more as a gentle talk.
Rochelle says
I was in a similar situation to this with a guy I knew for years. But we never dated til last year for about 4 or 5 months. He didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend and a relationship, although he told me wasn’t seeing anyone else.. When I look back at it, it was like he was trying to keep his options open but he enjoyed my company so he was happy with that set up. He kept saying and doing things as if it will happen someday..such as “we were working towards being a couple”, “didn’t see why we shouldn’t be together” but he needed “more time”. While telling me this he was contacting me less and less, and acting a bit differently (in a negative way) from how he behaved at the beginning. When I saw he was pulling back, I started feeling crazy and insecure. So I “casually” brought up the status of how things were progressing more often. Not an effective move but at the time I thought I was just being “rational” because I didn’t want to waste my time. Fortunately I hadn’t slept with him or I would’ve felt even worse. I ended up dumping him when it became clear that it wasn’t going anywhere… As a man who wants a relationship to progress would have kept up his game in contacting me, not pulled back from calling and texting almost everyday, to a few texts here and there. Actually I think it was when I originally came across this blog and this specific post re: “how long to wait” that I was convinced to dump him 🙂 And he didn’t follow.I agree with Katarina @104. Nowadays I think the best thing to do is just continue to date other men while seeing the guy that stands out more, see what he does, and be willing to walk from him after a certain amount of time. If he isn’t making it clear that he wants to see you exclusively, there’s no reason she can’t date other guys. When a woman acts like she’s his girlfriend and invests more than he is ready to, it never works out. Plus he won’t see a reason to ask her to be his girlfriend if she’s acting like his girlfriend without establishing a relationship first. He’ll just do what he can as long as she allows it.
Katarina Phang says
I’ve been dating this younger guy the last 4 months. While he has been very cautious about expressing his feelings for me, he calls me almost every day and wants to see me most of the time. He only said the L word twice but he admitted that he had emotionally attached to me, hence the constant checking in with me.
I just enjoy the ride, never worrying about the future. At the same time, I know he feels he’s not ready for relationship (funny thing is I am the only woman he’s seeing right now ’cause he’s with me most of the time).
I just let him be while keeping my options open. I love being cherished and adored as he compliments me on how special I am all the time because “I understand men and know how to be a woman.”
Be a high-value woman and work on your attraction, he isn’t going anywhere.
Rochelle says
“Be a high-value woman and work on your attraction, he isn’t going anywhere.”
So true. Act like you deserve love and radiate confidence, you will be more likely to receive love, rather than when you send out desperate/needy vibes. The latter is just self sabotaging and I understand that now.
Shawn Catherine says
Spot-on!
Stephanie says
This article popped up in my inbox, and it was spot-on. Too bad I didn’t read it about two months ago, when my now-ex started putting all of his energy into work and relegating me to weekend status. I tried to be flexible for his sake. Last month he broke up with me after what seemed like a typical date, saying he didn’t think we were heading in the same direction and that talking with his single friends made him realize he wanted to see what else was out there. In the moment, he blindsided me. I was quite a wreck for that first week. But in hindsight, I stopped being a priority some time before, and I just hadn’t realized it. It really hurts to think that I thought we were on the same page, whereas he was planning his escape route. But in the end, it IS better to be hurt now than further along down the line, when I would have been even more attached.
JAN says
I started seeing a guy twelve months ago, he works nights. To begin we practically lived with each other for four days then he got cold feet. We seem to gravitate back together and three months later we slept together and he said it was a mistake and that he does not want a relationship as he does not want to be hurt again. We have just remained friends and it is strictly platonic, when he is not working he phones and spends lots of time with me, he has even said recently that he started to think this is nice and is more relaxed about the whole thing, also that he has grown very fond of me as a friend. I want a relationship and have deep feelings for him, he knows this and says massaging it won’t work let it run its course, he also says pushing him is not the answer. He has been through a rough time and I have lent money, loaned him my car, and provided food, even found him a job. He says when he gets some money he will make amends and has said he would like to take me out. I need physical affection and just wonder how much longer do I wait as it is really starting to hurt.
Christine says
i agree he needs to get off the web sites if you two are exclusive. Chances are he is talking to lots of folks. i would pull away no more dates. let it go . if he loves you he will be at your door in a heartbeat. if not then you know it is time to move on. as painful as that sounds that will help you emotionally in the end. good luck
LadyT says
Evan I had the talk with a guy I have been dating for 8 months. He says he doesnt know what he wants and wants to take things slow and that if I want to see someone else then ok. But when I told him I can no longer continue seeing him or talking to him the way we have been for own sake he will not accept it and still wants to “chill”. Granted we are not rarely active when it comes to sex either. He thinks I am changing and want to control everything. He says when you label this everything gets complicated. I think he is still hurt by his ex (4 years ago) or he still not over her.
Rochelle says
Well I recently had the guy I mentioned in my previous post call me and I missed it. I don’t know why he called out of the blue but I didn’t feel comfortable returning the call as he didn’t leave a voicemail. I was surprised that he still had my number in the first place, as we haven’t spoken in several months. (I searched the number online since it looked familiar) We were acquaintances before dating but I don’t think I can go back to that right now. although I have since realized I we wouldn’t have made the best match romantically anyway, I was rather affected by the situation at the time.
Either way I think we should be weary of the “hesitant to commit after enough time” type guy we dump and still tries to hang around. It doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a relationship, he may just want how it is before… These days I make no assumptions.
Courtney says
If only I found Evan a year and a half ago, I wouldn’t be going through such amazing heartache right now. The whole “lack of attention during the week” drove me NUTS. Reality was – I was trying to change reality by sheer force of will. Reality was – no matter how beautiful every single weekend was (we spent 95% of them together), he was not willing to commit. Monday-Thursday was proof.
Take your beautiful weekends as wonderful memories and a hint of what real love is like, because he’s just living a lie right now and you happen to be his practice-ground. He can’t be the person he pretends to be when you’re together, which is why he needs the weeks to himself. He is living a lie, and feeding you a lie.
Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had Evan’s advice a long time ago…..and then had courage to act on it. If the WHOLE PACKAGE doesn’t feel good to you – walk. Make it on your terms, there will be less to mop up when its all said and done. Spend your precious time on what feels good, not this gnawing uncertainty.
Trisha says
I’ve read all your replies. I do understand how it feels being dragged by all the plans etc. I met my bf online. Been in the relationship for almost 3 yrs now. I remember I was 28 that time when I met him on the dating site. I fell for him till we met in person after 8 mos.of chatting but my great dreams turned to frustrations after finding out he met another girl the time he first met me. It turned me into pieces & it almost crushed my heart. Stupid I am I know, I still go on w/the relationship & I ended giving him another chance coz it’s what I thought is right,coz I really love him & I considered myself being committed to him when we first met. Till we met again last mo.for the second time around. I should say, i can remember I broke up w/him thrice for almost 3 yrs.but I cant understand why I keep feeling pushing myself to him. Maybe the right word is HOPE, I keep on hoping & expecting him to marry me. He knows when we first met that I am looking for someone to marry, settle down & make a family I can call my own. But as mos., years passed by I got more scared. Am I that stupid enough to keep hoping for it? He got 5 kids & divorced, I am 30 single, never been married & no kids. Sometimes I keep asking myself, is it right to still HOPE? I can feel his kids are his priorities, his work & I cant understand why he’s letting me feel being taken for granted if he really loves me. I think LOVING is GIVING. Giving your all no matter that nothing will be left to you… But why I should feel this way? I want to feel happy again but he’s not doing that thing to me. He knows what I hope for, to get married but telling me we dont need to rush makes me think… What should I need to do now? Is it right to entertain other guys/ get to know someone again? I feel being cheated all the time coz i dont see any reason he’s doing all his efforts to prove to me that he really wants me in his life. Maybe yes he needs me, just as a girlfriend but not a WIFE….
marymary says
Trisha
your dreams may be great but your relationship is not. It,s pure fantasy to fall for someone you hadn’t even met. This is real life, don,t go casting yourself as the heroine in a diy romantic drama.
loving is giving and it is hope. But if it,s one sided it,s less about a relationship and more about you refusing to face reality while you continue to stubbornly plug away at your own agenda. Giving until you have nothing left isn,t love, it,s madness and not in a good way.
the right thing to do is break up, think about why you let this happen and then start dating again. Don’t add to this mess by cheating. Yeah, even if he did it first. try baggage reclaim, link up at the left.
i used to have crap relationships too but am now with someone who treats me well (and is sexually attractive). I am not particularly giving and am more selfish than i ever used to be. Martys don’t win themselves a wonderful relationship, they just get martyred.
oh yeah, and don’t go clinging to the three years as an excuse to give it another three years and then another. That,s not commitment. Is it really commitment to commit yourself to something hopeless or is it just an excuse not to take proper action towards what you say you really want? How much do you want it? Enough to cause yourself some short term grief for the long term goal? that would be commitment, not frittering your life away on dreams.
dreams, you can’t live on them.
starthrower68 says
I do have sympathy for the OP; I think what’s worse than knowing he has no intention of committing is feeling foolish for not paying greater attention to or completely missing all the red flags. I’m sure it is also possible to be that naïve, but it has been my experience that I know something is off. Walk away and hold your head high. If you were good to him, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Just learn from this and move forward.
Trisha says
marymary thanks for your words. i really need someone to talk to now. glad i did find this site while browsing it on google. glad to know i am not alone in my situation. honestly im feeling cold towards my bf everyday. last night when we chatted, i dont feel the same anymore. i feel i was a stranger to him now & i have in my mind that whatever he says, it seems i dont believe it anymore. im tired of waitying & hoping now. you’re right 3 yrs. is enough. telling me that we need to be financially stable & will get married after 2 more years, i dont know if i can still wait for it. im not getting any younger. i was dreaming to get married, settled down when i turned 30 but i got frustrated w/that. i once got engaged when i was 24 w/my ex fiance but aborted our wedding on the day of it. it gave me a very traumatic experience that i once told myself that when i find the right guy, i will marry then & wont find another guy anymore. but things didn’t happen. im tired of his sweet nothing’s… calling me childish to always remind him of what he’s doing to me, i dont think so he has that plans to marry me after all. i tried to give all my efforts, my time to him but i even tried to ask him if he did ask himself why i am like this to him now? but he always give me unclear answers. now maybe it’s time for me to do my thing. im just thankful i will have a new job soon so my focus will not be on him anymore. i want to be happy again, to feel as if being treated w/love & respect but it’s not what is happening. i tried to love him, w/all my heart & soul but how about me? i think he’s not yet ready for a commitment & his kids & work are his priority. i cant push myself much on him… im already tired….
Magdalena says
Evan, you get an A+!! Who would have thought that I wouldn’t argue? Not me!
Johanny says
I love it Evan I just copy, paste and saved your response just in case, is perfet!
Amy Rickers says
All of your articles hit home for me, but this one in particular has made things as CLEAR as ever! I am 3 months into a very healthy relationship with a very nice guy. I broke up with my EX not too long before that. After reading the “truth” about men/relationships I feel not only at peace but ECSTATIC about my decision to break up with the EX and date the awesome, safe, kind guy.
The story behind my ex: We dated for 2 years, 1 which was long-distance while I was in school. The last two months of our relationship (I hadn’t realized that at the time) I moved to be closer to him. I was going through a very tough time, I was depressed and having financial struggles. And he left me. After going back-and-forth with him for ONE LAST year, I finally decided enough was enough and ended it for good.
He is the type of guy who is a little hard to just forget. He is an Alpha Male who makes you weak at the knees and is fun as all Hell… but the short-term burst of endorphins is only that- “short-term”. I am very lucky to have seen the writing on the wall before I wasted more time on him. And like I said, after reading your articles it helps me to realize that I might the right decision.
I am still getting used to being with a guy who isn’t a 10, doesn’t give me severe butterflies, make me angry, sad, CRAZY… It sounds sad, but I’m having to get used to being in a normal, mature relationship. I guess people (ME) don’t change overnight, but I am proud to be making an effort to change me for the better.
My Ex texted me two nights ago to “catch up”, he likes to remind me he is still very much alive- and I turned him down. The old me might have wanted my EX back- to follow my heart and go with the one who gives me “that feeling”. The next day, my new boyfriend asked me to be official. THANK GOODNESS I STARTED READING YOUR WEBSITE. You equipped me well Evan, and I thank you for that. I thank you for the free Blogs for those of us who are just starting our careers J
Nesrin says
I am not sure if checking to see if someone is actively on a dating site is the right way to go about it. I am dating someone and I still have a match.com subscription and i go in about once a week, to delete some emails as once..i was inactive for 7 months and it took me ages and ages to go through accumulated mails. So i am not actively searching for someone but i still have a subscription and am keeping my inbox tidy. Also the guy i am dating has not said they want to be exclusive with me, so if i want to I can go on there….
Which leads me to another question, when i first met him i really liked him and after 3 dates decided that i did not want to date anyone else just to see how it went, but I dont know what he is doing….
susan says
From my personal experience, I feel I need to add an addendum to Evan’s original advice ” . . .And then WALK. If he follows, he’s your boyfriend.”
Not necessarily. I just now am dating again after a six-year hiatus. My last “boyfriend” (I actually called him the guy that i was dating as I knew he wasn’t really even a “boyfriend”) was doing what your guy is doing. I gave him a similar talk to what Evan suggests, and then walked. BUT, he followed and said he really did care about me and blah, blah, blah but then kept doing the same B.S. as he had been doing: not calling during the week and staying on the dating sites. Finally on Valentine’s Day when I did not hear from him, I left him for good. So just because your guy follows you, doesn’t mean he has changed unless his actions do too (meaning, he gets off the site, starts calling you during the week and starts treating you like a treasure.)
WhatsGoingOn says
Good point Susan. I just assumed that’s what Evan meant: if he follows and starts acting like a bf vs if he lets you go.
Peter 61 says
Men’s interest level starts high and if requited, fades. If you don’t have a path to the future that you can discuss without tension after 3 to 6 months, walk. If you are a man, hooking the fish can take a lot longer.
Henriette says
Really Peter? Within as soon as 3 months, a couple should have a “path to the future???” I can tell you that if I guy started talking marriage & babies to me within 3 months, I’d be scared and wonder if he might be a bit desperate.
WhatsGoingOn says
@Henriette – I don’t think Peter meant marriage and babies by a path to the future, just that by 3-6 months a guy should know by then if he can see you in his life for the long term or if this is just a fling. Evan says something similar – that by 3 months he should know whether he wants to commit and be your boyfriend. If at 3 months you are still doing the once a week thing, he’s not calling you, and you have no idea when you’ll see him next, he is not acting like a bf and seeing you in his future!
Also even if he talks about marriage at 6 months, depending on your age and depth of the relationship it can be perfectly normal. People in their mid thirties who have a lot of experience in the dating world and know the kind of partner they want and can stthin discussing marriage at 6-7 months and likely get engaged at 1-1.5 years.
Irina says
I had a very similar situation as in Jennifer’s letter and those though in my mind were similar, but at the end I just couldn’t stand that he was seeing me less and less and his excuse I even don’t really understand. He said he feels miserable. I was patiently waiting but then fed up. Probably I was scared to loose him. He didn’t follow, it still hurts because he refused to talk about ‘us’.
AllenB says
@Irina “… it’s clear to me that you are not going to be my boyfriend. Good luck in your search…” That is not an ultimatum. That is a farewell speech!
No matter how I felt about I would think “..she has made up her mind. I guess I blew it. I am devastated, but it is too late now. She has already moved on,” nurse my wounds and try to forget her. Men are straightforward and take what you say very literally. If you say “… you are not going to be my boyfriend..” they will hear that as your decision, end of discussion, no debate.
Shiwanna says
Wow i really enjoyed this article. Very insightful. Thanks to both parties involved
judy says
Yes, Evan is right.
I waited too long for a man to commit, and have to say, I should have been smarter at the beginning.
If a man just uses you for sex, why SHOULD he commit? No seriously!!!
SofiaGarcia says
Evan was right. I took his advice this morning and it worked. I was so glad to have found this blog post yesterday when I was conflicted with what to do.
I’ve been dating a man who I found wonderful for two months. We met on an online dating site, where he contacted me. Even though we lived two hours apart, I said yes because he seemed like a nice guy. We hit it off, and after our first date, we made the time and effort to see each other every week since that first date. He would come to me. I would go to him. We would meet in the middle. Things were great. We really got each other. We had tons of fun together, and had lots of things in common. He was affectionate, available, kind, and loving. He was consistent and gained my trust. Things felt effortless and seemed to be progressing naturally.
Eventually, he started introducing me to his friends, and even his best friend that he’s know since 3rd grade. We were now also spending two nights in a row together some weeks, and things were getting deeper. We were getting through conflicts together. He even told me that he had decided to eventually make the move to my city. All these things felt like positive signs and it gave me a lot of reassurance. But, we still had our dating profiles up. It seemed like the only thing left to do was take them down, right? They were still up, and we hadn’t addressed them. Honestly, it didn’t even seem like a big deal to talk about because it seemed obvious that we getting serious. I was just waiting for him to make the first move. He didn’t, so I decided to bring it up, and with a lightness, I made a little joke that let him know that men still contacted me on the site, but that I had not gone out with any of them, because of him. He made no comment. Just sorta skipped over it. This was the first waving red flag.
Of course, this left me kind of stunned. He said nothing about it. I knew he read it, and the no comment felt fishy. Was he dating other people? I decided that I would bring it up in person. When he came to town a two days later, I decided to ask him while we were cuddling in bed. Turns out he had gone on some dates. I was surprised, but what surprised me more was what followed. I asked him if he still intended on going on dates, and his response was that he liked using that site for meeting friends. He said he had no intention of meeting anyone romantically, but was open to making friends there. That did not sit well with me at all. Then the conversation lead into the topic of exclusivity, where he began to get quiet. His response was, “I don’t need to not be exclusive”. Wait, what? There was a lot of hesitance there. Suddenly, I felt like I didn’t know who I was really dating.
He ended up admitting to me that he had commitment issues. All the confidence I felt previously was lost. The thought of continuing to invest in this relationship felt terrifying. I really really liked him, cared for him, but felt so confused. I was torn between my heart and my head.
I needed help, so I decided I would check Evan’s blog for advice. I read the post “How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me” and followed his advice. At the end, Evan says to take action, and walk away. If he follows, he’s your boyfriend. If he doesn’t, he’s what you thought he was – a commitment phobe. And that’s what he ended up being. When I walked away, he didn’t argue. He agreed with everything I said, and confessed that he was interested in the idea of love and a serious relationship, but was realizing that he was not committed to making it happen. He agreed that he was enjoying the benefits of a girlfriend without the commitment. That he wasn’t ready for the responsibility.
Hearing that sucked. It wasn’t a pleasant moment. But it was the truth, and I had to accept it. So I did, and we broke up this morning. I’m sad about it, and I will miss his companionship, but I’ll move on. It’s better that it happened now, than later. The less time and pain, the better.
So, thank you, Evan. For the good advice.
Much love,
S
Henriette says
Congratulations! I’m sure it was painful to “pull off the bandaid” but you did yourself a big favour. Now you’re free to go out and find a good man who wants to commit to you.
SofiaGarcia says
Update!
I wrote the first post in March, when we had just broken up, and to my surprise there is an update!
Unexpectedly, after completely moving on from this relationship, we have ended up back together, and in a relationship! We ended up rekindling our friendship, and 4 months after we broke up, he revealed that he still had feelings for me all this time. His feelings never died. He ended up getting a job in LA and moved here three weeks ago. And on top of this, we are in love!
I did not expect this outcome at all. When I broke up with him, I meant it. It wasn’t a game, or a way to get what I wanted. It was genuine. I knew what I wanted, and he didn’t seem to want the same, so I moved on. And, I really moved on! I remembered him fondly, and trust me I mourned the relationship, but I let it go completely. I was dating again and feeling great about myself. So, for this to happen, for us to end up together and in love, is so surprisingly awesome.
Ladies — be loving. Listen to your needs, and honor them. Love others too, and respect where they are in their journey. Maybe they’ll meet your needs, maybe they can’t, maybe they won’t want to. In the end, love yourself enough to give yourself what you need, and trust that you will find just that.
Much love, S.
SparklingEmerald says
[email protected] am glad you found this blog, and were able to walk away sooner rather than later and save yourself some heart aches. Good for you, for having the courage to do that. I am VERY suspicious of guys who live far away who contacted me. For one thing, my profile specifically says my mileage range. But I suspect that men from far away, who often “visit” my part of town, or are “thinking about moving here eventually” or just flat out live 2 hours away but think that the distance doesn’t matter, are just players, commitment phobes, or married men up to no good. If they are online, they could narrow their search to women in their locale, so why on earth would they reach out to someone 2 or more hours away, if they really wanted a committed LTR ? I won’t date anyone who lives more than an hour away.
SofiaGarcia says
I thought it was strange at first too, but then I thought I’d be “open” and give it a shot. In retrospect, I could find more red flags now, but they were difficult to detect.
GL says
I have a similar situation. My guy got out of a 5 year relationship and wants to not be ‘labeled,’ but he acts like my boyfriend. He has a small child who he has to devote a lot of time to. He has also told me how much he likes me but wants to work on himself. I have tried to walk on more than one occasion and he has followed me. Basically right now I’m trying to give him space. We are exclusive and I told him if he gets on a dating site I’m not sticking around. I also told him I’m not wasting my time. We’ll tonight he found out his mom may have breast cancer. So I’m trying to give him his space and not make demands. I’d love to be with him all the time but he has to be with his 3 year old. This whole non label thing really upset me, but he said he considers us together. He doesn’t want to see me with anyone else. We are in contact every day. What he really means is space. So we’ll see, I’m giving it a couple months or until things change for the better or worse. I also told him I’m do not want to waste my time….but I feel the separation. I don’t know. I look at other guys and wonder if someone else will come along.
Jennifer says
Couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.
thanks Evan!
The guy I have been seeing for two months suddenly at Christmas, decides no contact going on three days now (we had daily cntact prior to this) never referred to me as his girlfriend, was content with just coming over (for sex I see that now) . Ive been asked out by another guy, and I am moving on. No looking back. If h decides to call, I ll consider My options then.
Jasia says
RE: ‘BeenThruTheWars
‘I couldn’t help thinking of the other frustrated women this guy is using during the week.’
My thoughts EXACTLY!
Jennifer – have you met his friends? His family? His colleagues?
Who is he with? And what is he doing during the week – that he can’t pick up the phone to ask how you’re doing?
I started dating a very nice guy once, and we got on great… but who, strangely enough, only ever asked asked me out on week-night dates. I said “I’m available Friday, Saturday…” … (but he never was.)
So I said to him: “Tell me… I’m just curious… you are not available any weekend of the whole month… so, how many women are you dating at the moment?”
He may have been ‘economical with the truth’ with me on our dates, but at least he wasn’t a liar. “Umm, err, erm… two other women, and you…,” he replied.
So ask him the question. He may be ‘economical with the truth’ AND a liar (or not) Either way, it’s time to find out – otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to ask Evan’s advice.
The other thing is… some guys (and possibly your guy) will be on dating sites, will be actually dating, but then may come up with the justification that they’ve done nothing wrong “because it’s OK, because none of my dates were a success, because I didn’t get lucky, so you have nothing to worry about.”
The fact that you have concerns, and are not content, speaks volumes…. about you NOT feeling you are in in the relationship of your dreams. Don’t let his lack of response sour your mood. Do not stoop to his level of non-commitment & non communication. Be nice to yourself, celebrate yourself and support yourself in what you want, and find someone who will join the party and do the same… the two of you, together.
unstuck says
This was eye opening. I have been in an on again off again relationship for a year and a half. He calls here and there but only wants to see me at 11 pm or later on weeknights. He disappears every weekend saying he is busy. If I send him a text, it is rarely returned or it takes days for him to get back to me. Usually the text back is followed by “want some company? ” No he is not married, I’ve been to his place several times and honestly, he is a really good friend when we talk, but isn’t interested in being more than FWB, yet each time I walk he comes back and asks to see me after a few weeks to a month.
We have had the exclusive talk and he said he didn’t want a label. He is on POF but swears he just is addicted to reading profiles and his profile is hidden. He says he isn’t contacting women unless he sees something funny.
I don’t know if he is seeing someone else but I know he only wants to see me when I’m horizontal and during the week. We do not go out in public together more than a couple of times and then usually it’s for breakfast or maybe meet for drinks if he knows I’m ready to walk again. He has said he loves me but we are not in a commitment. He also was in a situation of a bad relationship and uses that as an excuse for his unwillingness to commit. Saying he is worried it would be bad for me.
I’ve been in love and holding on, hoping everytime we reconnect that this time he is ready. This site is helping me immensely to begin the process of taking off the blinders and rolling up the doormat.
I hope you find your strength, Jennifer!
Thanks Evan and all who are part of this group!
curlygirl says
I did exactly this in fact I copied and pasted the response and sent it to the guy I am “Seeing” after almost a year of this going on.
He responded that he hoped I found what I was looking for as well.
Two days later the texts started again and it was like I never communicated this to him.
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Jp says
Curlygirl,
Is so funny and no funny ahha how we all had the same guy and wasted months, years. This happened to me too. When I told him I was done his reply was, exactly the same one: “I hope you find what you are looking for”. Is like they go to the same fraternity. They want to be with us but only on their own terms.
Spider says
the truth is most men don’t want to be in committed relationships. we want our freedom.
Michelle says
I have the same situation except that I don’t know if he is still on the dating website. What is worse is that we have been dating for 2 years and a half and i still have not met his 17 year old son, his family or any of his friends. Made a lot of excuses regarding that issue. Tried to be understanding. I can’t hold on for much longer. I have walked away so many times but i keep going back. I should walk away and see if he follows…
CityGirl says
I was in a very similar position. I was spending every weekend with a guy who refused to get off other dating sites even though he basically treated me like his girlfriend and knew how much it was bothering me. This went on for over 12 months, with me getting close to walking out multiple times but then seeing him do some tiny thing, or a tiny change in behaviour which gave me hope. I felt horrible and torn for the entire year and I wasn’t seeing anyone else whilst I didn’t really know what he was doing. It made me feel very paranoid. What I really wanted to say is – even if he commits officially this problem may not change.
This guy is now my boyfriend, he did crack and accept putting a label on us, but I’m still paranoid, and I still feel he is looking elsewhere. Getting the label you want doesn’t give you the validation if you’re having to force the person into it. I feel like my boyfriend gave in to my pressure to commit, but I still don’t feel convinced that I’m the one, and I fear he’s just making do until something better comes along. The relationship isn’t making me very happy. What I’m saying is that if you’re having to do all the work to get his attention then you’re probably onto a losing game anyway. You want somebody who feels lucky and privileged by your interest in them and wants to dedicate his attention to you, not somebody whose attention you always have to fight for at this early stage.
Karmic Equation says
So why are you still with your guy? Dump him. You deserve to be happy and NOT paranoid. Good relationships relax you. They don’t put you in a constant state of stress.
Christine says
Please do yourself a favor and lose this guy. Fine, if he wants to keep looking for greener pastures, you do the same! I was with someone like that and was so much happier when I dumped him–then found my devoted boyfriend, who voluntarily called me his girlfriend, cancelled his online dating subscription and really has eyes for no one else but me. Men like that are out there, but you can’t be open to them with this guy by your side (since no other man will go near you while you’re with someone else–well, at least not a respectful one!)
Monica says
Just reading Evan’s advice;
But I must say I was in a similar situation as Jennifer except we had been”dating” for 7 months!! What I noticed is that he acted like a boyfriend, for his benefit to keep track of where I went, what I was doing when we weren’t together. He even brought me around family and friends but never introduced me as his girlfriend, significant other etc…his intro : hey everybody this is Monica!
He did just enough to make me think/believe we were more than just dating. Yep, he fed me the ole why do we need a title!?
What stuck out to me most was his prior relationship where he was with someone for 6YEARS!! Never engaged and most likely she probably thought by hanging in there he would finally commit and propose!! I’m 45 or will be in a month and I don’t have 7more months to waste!! He was emotionally bankrupt where I was concerned and when I brought it to his attention he said he wasn’t an emotional person and he has never been emotional. I know men don’t express themselves like us women, but he couldn’t or refused to say why he dated me, what he enjoyed about being with me etc. ….In 7 months he had never expressed how he felt about me!!! Now he would always compliment me on my physical appearance, but I needed more than that.
Last Friday he called and I flat out asked him why did he want to continue to date me?? Of course he acted shocked, like this cane out of the blue??
He flipped it on me and asked me why did I want to continue to date him?? My response: I said I DON’T and terminated the call.
Tiff says
Here it goes… I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months. He definitely does not act his age and can be very immature at times. I know for a fact he’s unsure where this relationship is going when on the other hand I would love to be with this guy because I know that he’s what I want. I just feel stupid I didn’t end this sooner. I’m just his entertainment over the weekends! I understand he’s working a lot, but it’s not like he works in the White House! In other words, it doesn’t mean this guy has to go missing all week without saying a word. I just find it extremely offending. Here is what’s even worse… When guys don’t really have the feelings us girls have! We overthink things, but most of the time our instincts are on point! Guys keep themselves busy with their guy friends whether its going out, playing sports, or going to the gym. When us girls most likely will have a glass of wine and talk to our best friends about how annoying and frustrating this guy can be. Guys don’t overthink things especially when they’re not fully committed (they couldn’t care less). Please get rid of a guy who is not all about you, it’s not worth it and he’s most likely selfish! Run while you can. (Trust me, I already learned my lesson!).
Sandra says
when your gut starts talking–use your feet to start walking :_)
Veronica says
Oh man my situation is some what different but I decided to walk away. He’s great man no social media or dating sites, I met a lot of friends and met his family but he would introduce me as a friend! Met one of his daughters briefly. We would spend every other weekend together because we had our kids every other weekend as well. We would see eachother during the week but that changed because he decided to change his work schedule so seeing eachother during the week couldn’t happen only on Fridays now. He called everyday and texted me. So around th 4 month mark the conversation would come up and I waited and waited till 6 MONTHS!! But every time we would talk about us moving to th next level he would tell me what’s the rush? Let’s get to know eachother more! I want to make sure that this is it for me that you will be my future wife! Or I’m tipy toeing around asking you but I want to make sure! Wtf! He would say I don’t wanna break any promises I can’t keep so I need to make sure! Ugh the list goes on and on of excuses. Mmmmm he would say I was perfect, I was special I was amazing all the time, he would tell me he appreciates me all the time. Sounds good right? Every time it was a different excuse! But what about my feelings and needs so I’m suppose to sit back and wait for him to feel like he’s there? What if he never gets there then what? I’m assed out ! Nope so as hard as it was because he’s a really good guy but he wasn’t the right guy for me so I decided to walk away. He would claim he didn’t want to lose me and ask me to be patient. But I think a man knows by 6 months if he wants to make things happen or not. We are old enough to stop with these stupid games. Well I walked and I guess he didn’t like me enough to make things right. It’s been 5 days since we spoke but I’m glad I did what I did because I value myself as a women and I know my worth and I deserve someone who wants to be with me and grow with me!!! I don’t want to settle for someone who is scared of commitment or wants to just enjoy the ride and just live life without knowing what they want!
Karmic Equation says
It’s pretty easy to know which guys to dump and which guys to give chances to.
If what comes out of a guy’s mouth doesn’t match his actions, dump him.
If tells you that you are “perfect” but only wants to spend every other weekend with you, you’re obviously not perfect enough for me. Do YOU treat men you consider perfect that way? Or are you looking for excuses to spend time with him?
We all know when guys are stringing us along in the early stages of dating. But we’re almost always in denial because we don’t want to hold him to the standard of “saying what he means and meaning what he says.”
Saying what a girl wants to hear is easy for most men. However only men who value you back up what he says with CONSISTENT actions. If he does something because you complain, then a week later he reverts, and you have to complain again, he’s not being consistent.
Dump that guy. Please.
Karmic Equation says
Typo…
for him* (not me!) lol
Mk says
Girl, you need to go on other dates so you don’t get hurt, this will allow you to not use all your energy on him even though you want to and want to be loyal (I do this too) you have to!
be busy on the occasional w/e see his reaction when your not available when he prefers, always be sweet and kind and he will start to miss your company, he may then realise what his got. Men are strange creatures at the start they love the chase and want what they can’t have regardless if they tel you they are crazy about you.
Have time for him but don’t, if you get my drift.
good luck! If it helps I have the exact thing happening with me his the Aussie George Clooney, that gorgeous and perfect, and the chemistry is electric but I’m holding back to hook him in. Ohh how I hate this part of dating.
Ange says
Sometimes your tough love, plain language, flat footed advice makes me want to argue back, but that’s usually b/c I don’t like what I’m hearing and you’re probably right ! I really enjoy your blog, Evan. Keep it up !
I will also chime in and say that him coming back does NOT mean he’s your boyfriend. Having recently split from a commitment phobe, I can 1000% say that coming back should not be interpreted as a signal he’s ‘seen the light’. Problem with these types is that they can’t commit to being with you and can’t commit to saying goodbye. For some, it might be selfishly wanting to keep you ‘in play’ as an option. For others, I truly believe they are trying… but can’t move past the panic of being all in or all out. I kept thinking the ‘coming back’ was about me… nope ! Once I realized that, I was able to let go. Thank GOD !
So, if he comes back there needs to be a discussion as to why and what’s going to be different this time. Otherwise it’ll just be lather, rinse and repeat 🙂
Lydisy says
Yes don’t be a fool like me. I suggest that you dump him before you waste more time with him . The I was so hurt by my first marriage is such BS after many years and that he is online just to make friends and he didn’t even bother to change his ID which is what a considerate cad would do He probably thinks he is a player. Is he a lot older than you? It can be risky business online so look for red flags. He sounds rather callous and full of it. Walk and if he comes after you, you might want to run, it’s his ego that is hurting…no notches on his belt.
You deserve better than I guy that is sampling women like Donald Trump does all week long! It’s true that Match and Yahoo are too expensive.
Let him do all the work. Don’t do any work for him. Learned this lesson the hard way. Men like this take everything a woman does for them for granted
Sampada nanda says
Girl u be In all d sites, don’t quit! Talk to as many frnds u can,try to make him feel jealous! Make him feel at his worst! Show him dat ur way more beautiful than he thinks! And yeah now I think why he got divorced! He is with u for his physical satisfaction nothing more! He wants other girls who can satisfy his needs! Stop giving him that which he wants from u! Stop fulfilling his necessity! He is not the only man in dis world! Stop crying out for tym!
Ruth says
Same thing happened to me here.I given him a 4 months of weekend sex and one time I brought this issue up and he got so angry . The reason that he was unable to plan a date or even call me because he got a lot of problems and doing 2-3 jobs.
I already make a the move to walk away and tested him to see his reaction but I fail And I keep coming back to his arms during weekends. It is been a week since that argument happened and had not contact me since. I am in the process of healing my broken heart.
Lou says
I don’t write much,but to the point “WHY BUY THE COW WHEN YOU GET THE MILK FREE’ Need I say more!!!