My Fiancé Has Money and Treats Me Well, But He’s Soooo Cheap! What Should I Do?

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Evan, what should I do?

I am engaged to a guy who I have been dating for 4.5 years. I love him but I have so much anger and resentment towards him. He is a good person and we have a great time together and I enjoy his company/companionship. He always is happy to see me and be with me. We have a lot in common, but I feel we have some major core differences. He is extremely selfish. He is wealthy and I think this has affected his outlook on money. I am very generous with a big heart, but I find that I am always disappointed. I don’t expect to be spoiled by someone, but he spends a lot of money on his (our) house, cars, gambling when he can, but if I need $200 to go to the store, he makes me feel awkward and here we are supposed to be getting married in December. All our finances are separate, I would be fine even with a pre-nup which I know is coming, but I am not fine with having a husband who puts himself that far above me because of his money. I do expect my husband to help with car payments, medical insurance, basic stuff, I am not even talking about shopping and material things, and this is a guy who is a multi-millionaire, and I made $100k up until last year because of the economy and now until I do something else, am only making about 45k. I am worried about marrying someone who would watch me struggle and not offer to help or was that spoiled that he doesn’t have the “right” consideration for me. HELP!

Lara

You know what they say about rich guys, right? The reason they’re rich is because they don’t spend any of their money

Dear Lara,

You know what they say about rich guys, right? The reason they’re rich is because they don’t spend any of their money! Ha! I kill me.

So first of all, let’s get one thing out of the way first: he’s definitely selfish. There are plenty of people who have issues around money – including yours truly – but your multi-millionaire takes the very expensive wedding cake.

As I’ve said before, many women don’t appreciate the difference between being cheap and being poor. If he makes less than $50,000, pretty much ANYTHING he does for you is generous. However, your guy isn’t poor. He’s rich, and yet you don’t feel he is generous of spirit. That really sucks when you’re facing a lifetime together.

But if you’ve been seeing him for 4  ½ years, I suspect you knew about this trait all along, but dealt with it as just one compromise you had to make in the relationship. It didn’t suddenly surface out of the blue. “He USED to throw me $10,000 birthday parties, but now he only has the Pizza Hut staff put a candle in my calzone!”

I’m not going to defend his penurious ways, and I’m not going to suggest that you don’t have the right to be frustrated. I am, however, going to try to look at the other side – something that you may not have done yet.

So let’s recap: you love him, he’s a good person, he’s super-wealthy, you have a lot in common, you have a great time together, he’s happy to be with you, and you’re engaged to be married in December. Sounds like a promising start, no?

But there’s this one thing – this big thing – you don’t get out of him. It’s a definite character flaw: no generosity. Yet he probably pays for the bulk of the house, car payments, medical payments, vacations, etc. He’ll buy you things and provide a nice life. The only thing he doesn’t want to pay for is you, spending the money that he earned. And since you’re now making less, you expect him to make up the difference.

At least that’s HIS perspective.

I think two things: he’s genuinely cheap, and he genuinely loves you.

Your perspective is that it’s not his money, it’s your money – together. And even though you have everything you want in your life, you can’t get over the fact that he’s so stingy that he won’t let you spend what he considers “his” money. In your mind, it’s not about the money, it’s about the principle! I hear you, and I’m sure a number of readers do, too.

The real sticking point is that his take on “his money vs. your money” is not changing any time soon. It’s deeply ingrained in him. Which gives you two choices: leave him because you feel like you can’t spend your life with a rich man who is cheap, or stick around and appreciate that you have a super life, filled with love, companionship, fun, and tons of material possessions – but your husband is simply a skinflint.

Life is about tradeoffs, y’know?

I also think you may be equating his lack of generosity with a lack of love. He can provide for you in 100 different ways, but because he’s hesitant to give you $200 to go to the store, he doesn’t truly love you. Do you believe that? I don’t. I think two things: he’s genuinely cheap, and he genuinely loves you. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t be marrying you. In his mind, he just doesn’t want his wealth to be taken for granted.

Just the other day I was talking with a semi-successful guy – not a millionaire – who took care of his girlfriend when she was unemployed and couldn’t afford to pay rent. The problem arose when, one year later, she STILL didn’t want to pay rent because “he could afford it”.   Ironically, the same way that she feels that “it’s not about money, it’s about principle”, so does he. You think he should pay for you because he can. He doesn’t want to pay for you because you assume he’s supposed to.

Another thing: your boyfriend may be cheap, but I’d have to guess he’s better than the rich guys who equate money with love. Their theory is: “If I buy you a Jaguar, maybe you won’t notice how emotionally distant and abusive I am!”   These type of wealthy men   make the worst husbands because they think that they can buy your affection and don’t have to actually, y’know, listen to you.

All of this begs the unfortunate and delicate question: is it possible that you take your boyfriend’s money for granted? Maybe just a little? After all, you may have taken a pay cut, but you probably still live in a big house with a nice car and have everything you need. So while I’m not going to defend your fiancées behavior – cheap is not cool – I’d have to ask you one really tough question:

Would you be marrying him if HE made $45,000?

And, if not, are you also equating love with money?

It’s not that I’m not sympathetic to your plight, Lara, but it’s my responsibility to point out the side of things that you may not have already considered. Please let me know what you choose to do.

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Comments:

  1. 181
    Victor shebandah

    Having money is one thing,being seen or imagined to have money is another. This guy may actually be broke according to his definition of brokenness. She said they were to get married but she didn’t tell us how much she is injecting into the wedding plans and costs and who is playing center stage in terms of finance? Men are not comfortable being multi tasked. Finally Earn his money!

  2. 182
    Jessica

    Laura, I think you were more attached to the idea of him having money than the actual emotions that come to play. I think when you really love someone you do not expect anything in return if anything it should motivate you to try to show him that you are also able to provide a pretty good living for yourself. Think about it no one likes to feel as if they were being used or taken advantage of. Put yourself in his place, money has a way of emerging many “fake” people because overall they are only after one thing MONEY. So maybe things will change when you become his wife after all this might be one of his grand ways of weeding out the gold-diggers in his life. If you love the man you will love him with or without his money and if he’s taking care of everything else I think 45k is more than enough for your personal necessities.

    1. 182.1
      Tay

      Jessica, I think you missed the point. This guy   can easily watch her stress and struggle and not offer to help even in a way very easy for him. Secondly a person with that much money usually lives in a very expensive area. So gas, food, clothing, car repair, doctors, etc are all very expensive in the immediate area. They will be living, most likely in his home in that type of area. Come with me and try to buy groceries for a family for a week at Whole foods in California and I will show you how far $200 goes, not very far. This guy probably does have a certain quality level for taste and health and she probably does not have time to soak and cook everything from scratch. So what is she to do? Drive thirty fourty minutes in traffic to find a food for less and USA gas station so she can stay within her middle America budget. He buys good food for himself and she has a different dinner of lesser quality when at home???? In reality, it will cost HER more just by being married to him if he’s stingy than if she were on her own.

      Secondly, what was the courtship like. The average man sounds like he will put in more effort for courtship than this guy and on that note, I would have said deuces a long time ago.

  3. 183
    Mrs. Wife

    Wow what a cheap therapy session this is !

    Cant wait to start my own Anyways,

    If someone is married then maybe they gave up a lot and shouldnt be punished, harrassed, bullied, etc. There is a reason for marriage and actually in India marriage is accepted as a status symbol. You are in a higher caste and respected. Also, that cute young wife may have been a mom and have a cute adult daughter. She may have intelligence and worked for what she has. She may have previously bought her own vehicles. She may be doing everything she can and due to her location the employment is lacking. There are more variables than just, oh he’s older than her and owns a house. She has the education and experience, but is unwilling to get an apartment b/c she has wasted lots of money on apartments !!!! She has her own life, sucka.

  4. 184
    Mrs. Wife

    I shared my situation on here because I myself have an unresolved issue due to dating then marrying someone who gives money too much power over themselves.   The goodness of marriage is destroyed when one person abuses their power and makes the other feel terrible about themselves and their situation with abusive comments like,”well I earn the money” or ” well, you’ll never earn what I earn”, or “your’e family is terrible and your daughter is a whore” type comments. This stuff builds up. I know that what he is telling me is bs, but I listen to it and disregard it until I am self sufficient.If you have dated someone for 4.5 years, 7 years, or 10 years, and they are frugal it may be for a reason and they won’t change. One reason to save money yourself is eventually you need to pay for home repairs, dental work, car repairs and insurance, your retirement, and unexpected expenses.   This stuff is in thousands of dollars range. Yes Thousands, not 2000, 3000, or 5000. Probably 50-100,000 and up.

    Definition of miser : The word for the cheapest of all cheap husbands is “Miser.” This is someone who is so miserable with the fact that they have money saved that they will let it affect their mood, behaviors, and relationships with others. No kidding. They may not have any relationships with others because they feel that other people would only be out to get them good or take advantage of them. The only way to leave this individual is to be cheap yourself, become self sufficient then leave.

     

  5. 185
    Denise Latham

    Wow!! I have never looked at things from that perspective. Women and men think so totally different. Thanks for sharing the male perspective. It’s not always easy for me as a woman to understand things from male perspective but I am certainly willing to try. Thanks again!!

  6. 186
    David

    If the tables were turned it would be a completely different story. When it comes to the female perspective on money, logic must be dismissed. The money she makes is HERS and the money he makes is THEIRS. She is a straight up gold digger. Kudos to the author for asking “Would you be marrying him if HE made $45,000?” but I bet that’s just “victim-blaming” or some other made up feminazi term.

     

      1. 186.1.1
        Tay

        Good call Evan. You give sound and balanced advice and this type of reader tends not to be very magnetic, especially to real gold diggers who probably aren’t even digging for him anyway. Don’t know why he’s upset.

        Women an are actually very caring and generous not just to their families but to the whole community when they become advantaged out of struggle. There are statistics on this. Now people who were born wealthy, that is another story. But many women in high society whether they make as much as their husband, whether they graduated top of their class, or not DO expect a man who is willing to pay for their level of lifestyle not out of necessity but because that is how women like to feel taken care of. Not having to stress about bills and the house. Men feel taken care of when women cook and are open for love time. A lot of women would prefer Chocolate to sex so if you can’t give a woman money atleast give her chocolate, lol. A stressed out woman is a woman with no libido.

  7. 187
    Tay

    Classic case of a man not rich in spirit. I could not care if a man was the richest billionaire in the world if he would have me out here stressed out and spinning my wheels unsupported. Libido killer.

  8. 188
    Brianna

    I don’t agree with your advice at all.   This woman should   leave this man.   He makes her feel undervalued.   I hate men and people in general who are miserly and cheap.   This guy is selfish and it shows.   So what if she gets to live in a nice house.   Every birthday and holiday is going to be miserable because he is a cheap bastard who doesn’t care about her enough to spend any money on her.   He only cares about himself.   He doesn’t deserve a person to be with.   She needs to leave him and either go off by herself or find a generous spirited man who will take good care of her and make her feel special. As a general rule, women are the caretakers and the gift givers and men are selfish and hate giving gifts because they are just so selfish and can’t be bothered to think of others.   I have seen this scenario play out a thousand times with the men I work with and the couples I know in real life.   It is sad and sorry.   Women deserve better.   I am married to a cheap and selfish man myself and this christmas  was the worst.   He has a lot of money and spends a lot on himself.   But I spent about 1500 on him for Christmas and what did I get, a cheap necklace, socks, a scratchy flannel shirt.   I returned everything because it was all cheap crap from Amazon.   I didn’t even go out to any stores.   I hate him.

  9. 189
    Brianna

    How about making him go get groceries every other time, instead of you doing the shopping and asking him to pay half?   If he can’t chip in to pay for half of your groceries, either just buy for yourself only or make him go shopping every other time.   I don’t understand why he can’t even cough up some money to buy his own food.   What the hell os wrong with this guy?

  10. 190
    DudeNamedBen

    All these women complaining that their men have money but at the same time they’re complaining he’s cheap. Well ladies, how do you think he got all that wealth? I’ll give you a hint. Not by blowing it all on silly little things he doesn’t need! Oh and by the way, where is YOUR money? Whenever a woman is complaining about a man being “cheap” it’s her way of saying that she’s broke and he’s not naïve enough to blow his bank account on a her. A man can fix stuff and use it again but a woman sees a little dirt on something and they’ll throw it out and go shopping again. There’s a reason the top richest people in the world are all men.

  11. 191
    Mark

    We really need to know the context in which this occurred i.e., is the $200 just to buy something for herself?   Is this the first time she’s asked for the money? What has she done to show that she loves him? We live in the 21st century now.   Bringing up the notion of a “real” man is outdated and sexist.   It came from a time when women weren’t allowed to work and the men were the sole providers.   If you still want a real man, then a “real” woman would be stuck at home taking care of the kids, doing laundry, cooking 3 full meals a day in the kitchen, washing the dishes afterwards, gardening, doing their husband’s bidding, etc.   If she’s working, I feel she shouldn’t be asking for money unless it was a necessity and not just something she wanted.   Do realize the whole concept of marriage is a compromise: you’re giving up something financially, emotionally, spatially, and temporally.   But it’s often so that you both gain something from each other that you lack.

  12. 192
    Dee

    If he’s that wealthy, why is he being so stingy when it comes to her asking for $200.00 for groceries?

    I met my current boyfriend two years ago right after his financial crisis of losing his practice, his Mercedes, his credit, etc.   for the first year and a half I felt like a human atm, he’d borrow $, then pay me right back.   He’d always pay me back.   He always treated me well, is a great person and when he did have spare change, he’d treat us to a nice dinner/ movie.   He always talked about getting engaged, etc.   I’m also a single mom with two teenagers, so after awhile him always asking for $$ (even though he’s reimburse me), became really annoying, I put my foot down.   He was very successful then had trouble finding a job and making ends meet after we met.   I hung in there, supported him, encouraged him.   After he sold his house to move closer to me, he profited $200k.   He paid off some debt, and invested the rest.   No ring.   I even bought a car in my name for him to drive (I was sooo hesitate, didn’t want to do it, but told me he’s pay it off when he sold the house), got a 3 bedroom apt., (for us and kids), 6 months later… gives his adult children $$, his other daughter clothes, nails, the ex wife, fixes her car, me? No ring yet “it’s coming after steady income at least 3 months”.   I am now unemployed, going back to school full time to earn my degree (it’ll take 1 year), and working for family business part-time.   He offered me $100.00 a week to clean the apt., make 3 dinners a week for him and his son.   Ok, fine.   Still no ring even After him talking about it for two years almost every other day.   He’s taking his kids to Disney over the summer.   I can’t afford it right now, he has the $$, but guess who’s not going to Disney? Me and my kids.   We’ve never gone, he’s taken his kids several times throughout the years.   Mind you, his first two are adults they can pay for themselves.

    I am ready to walk.   I’ve done so much to support and be a stand for this man out of love, and in the end I don’t feel like I’m getting the same generosity in return.   I’ve become resentful.   So i’ve Stopped being as generous, started spending more time taking care of my life and accomplishing what I need to, to move forward.   I’m not hurt, I just don’t feel like investing so much of my time with someone who turned out to be stingy.

    The poster doesn’t seem to have it too bad, maybe this guy sees her as being capable and doesn’t want her to become too reliant on him.   But if he truly loves her, taking care of her financially should be pretty easy, she doesn’t come off as she wants to spend a ton of his money on nonsense, she just wants to feel comfortable, like she doesn’t have to worry.   And he has the means.   He’s being stingy.   Stingy with money, stingy with love.

  13. 193
    Lia

    I don’t know when this entry was made but I hope the letter writer did not marry this man with money .

    I think Evan doesn’t understand her point and can’t empathize with her and instead emphatizes with the man.

    Yes, it is better to marry a man who makes 45K and shares himself and everything he has with you, like you share with him . It’s about caring about you and having your back, like a husband should. It’s about not making you feel like a second class citizen in that marriage, like a Cinderella. It’s aboir being warm and caring and loving .

    Evan says that he may love you but he’s cheap   and selfish. I agree that he may love you as much as he can love , but it is not enough. A man cheap with his money is going to be cheap with other things : his affection, his time , his love . It is going to get much worse after the wedding.

    Living in a big house won’t cut it. I hope you left this man and found one who’s there for you through thick and thin , no matter how much money he makes. If you two don’t make enough, you’ll work together to better yourselves but as a team, not as a boss and an employee he tolerates as long as they know their place.

  14. 194
    Lia

    I hope the letter writer left this man and married a guy who makes 45K and has her back through thick and thin. Living in a big house … big whop when you don’t feel supported and cared about .

  15. 195
    Reece

    My fiancé is a good guy he does a lot. He spends time, he’s there physically when you need him. However, if I’m struggling monetary wise he turns deaf ear. He will ask what’s wrong but he will not offer to help. I would have to ask for it. When I do ask his reaction isn’t cool. He will breathe hard and have this scared look in his face. He always struggle to want to help me. I had to get a second job in order to do what I needed to do because I knew it would be a problem getting money from him, to help. He wants to get married and he wants me to have a child. I don’t have security with him. Why is that when women want money from men your quick to say we equate money to love. I feel if a man won’t come out of his pockets when it counts and will leave you hanging, you have to get a second job to get the things you want. He is the one that loves his money more than me. At first I would do things buy him gifts here and there, pay for dinner, get massages etc. to show that I can do those things. I like being pampered and a little spoiled by my man, what’s so wrong with that? However, this didn’t work. Now, I follow his lead. When I’m not happy I don’t want to have sex. Why should I keep giving it up when I’m not worth the money? At the end of the day we all want love but women want security, whether it be money, their man taking up for them, security is what women want. Men want sex, attention and someone that’s attractive. It’s like people are afraid to tell it like it really is. When a women wants her man to spoil her we are the bad guys. But they can get everything they want from us. Sex, kids, attention, a female that is self sufficient. So why even have a man if you can do it all for yourself. What does he get to do? I guess nothing because self sufficient women is doing it all. I Don’t care what these self sufficient women and feminist say…women that have money still want a man on occasion show up with a gift every now and again., or pay a bill. Not all women is on that kick that they don’t need a man to provide for them. What if ole ms self sufficient/feminist ever lost her job or got fired. I bet she would want her man to come through and have her back financially….and not ignore her situation. I’m sure she would want her man to come through financially…period. Especially if she is still putting out. So please don’t knock women that want a man to come out his pockets or for wanting security. The man is suppose to be the provider but women took that job too. Not all women make more than there husbands, fiancés and boyfriends. Does a women need to work 2 and 3 jobs to avoid asking her man? Should a man never have to come out of pocket because you have money? or don’t have money?
    I guess it’s to each’s own, so stop judging the women that looks for her man to help financially. Help her out, help make her life easier, especially if you can. As a man, he should want to help his lady…period.

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