My Best Friend’s Wife Hates Me. Should I End Our Friendship To Avoid Damaging His Marriage?

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I am a single woman and I recently connected with my male best friend from childhood. We lost touch for about 10 years and when we reconnected I found out that he is now married. We were never romantically involved, but we both have told each other throughout the years and even 3 months ago that we love one another as deeply connected friends and nothing more.

His wife doesn’t appear to like me, despite the fact that he declares that she does. Plus he is trying hard to keep the friendship going, but keeps me separate from his wife at all costs. I don’t believe he feels anything for me but friendship and I have a strong conviction not to hurt him or his marriage on our quest to maintain our friendship.

Please note I have attempted on numerous occasions to include his wife in our friendship. I even sent her a birthday card and gift in the hopes to show her that I care for her and would like to be her friend too.

I know society says Married Men/Women shouldn’t be friends with the opposite sex, but I am confused by this mentality as I have integrity and a strong moral compass when it comes to the sanctity of marriage. Plus I love my friend and would never want to hurt him or his loved ones.

Is it possible for me to stay friends with him knowing that his wife is not accepting of our friendship? Keep in mind I know nothing of the inner workings in their marriage. He keeps his marriage very private and we only talk about fun topics, personal growth, careers, the news, etc…. We are both smart enough to keep each other out of our romantic relationships to avoid confusion and potential issues.

My other concern is that his wife may feel threatened by me because of our long history, but he chose her for a reason and he loves her. Not to mention I live in a different state, so we don’t even spend time with each other. Our reconnected friendship has mainly been through one visit to see both of them, brief phone calls, text messages, and emails. I have nothing to hide and I always try to include her in any conversation to ensure that she understands my intentions are purely platonic.

Our friendship has lasted over 25 years and we have always been on good terms. We only lost touch because both of our lives took different paths that did not allow us to stay connected for that gap of time. In my experience great friends can lose touch and reunite as if no time has passed. My fear is that I will lose my friend in the end if his wife starts a hate campaign against me and makes him choose. My friend is also a good man and he is faithful to his wife, he has already started to get distant so where do we go from here?

I have gotten the impression that if I had a boyfriend or husband only then would she be accepting of the friendship, but I can’t just rush out and find a man to keep my friend. My instincts are telling me to let go, but my heart is telling me to hold on and just back off. We lost touch once, but if his marriage is meant to last forever I lose my dear friend without the possibility of reuniting.

Thank you in advance for listening! I look forward to your response!

Kristy

Kristy,

I’m with you. I think jealousy is a wasted emotion, indicative of insecurity and weakness. If a marriage is strong and both parties are trustworthy, there is never any reason to be jealous. And if his marriage is not strong or one party is not trustworthy, why is it a marriage in the first place?

So, morally, I completely support your friendship, deplore the jealous wife, and think that your best friend should stand up for your relationship. Part of marriage is accepting all of someone; it’s not about telling your spouse, “I love you, but you have to drop any female from your past.”

And yet. And yet.

SHOULD the wife be secure enough to accept your friendship for what it is — a warm whiff of nostalgia that doesn’t remotely threaten her marriage? You betcha.

You’re having a really hard time accepting the passage of time. He’s your childhood best friend. He’s married. He lives in another state. How much is this friendship actually giving you? How much could it possibly give you in a perfect world? Would you expect him and his wife to come visit you? Would you like to come and visit them? Both seem somewhat unrealistic when I think about old friends with whom I’ve reconnected on Facebook.

SHOULD men and women be allowed to be platonic friends? Absolutely.

SHOULD your friend tell his wife to back off? I sure think so.

SHOULD the wife be secure enough to accept your friendship for what it is — a warm whiff of nostalgia that doesn’t remotely threaten her marriage? You betcha.

But none of that actually matters. What matters is that they’re married and you’re a single woman from his past who lives in another state and desperately wants to keep your old friendship alive. That shouldn’t be his wife’s problem. It shouldn’t be your friend’s problem. It’s really your problem.

My advice to you is to put your attention on finding a more meaningful relationship with a new man in your state.

So you can feel free to share this blog with your friend, providing further validation why you should still be allowed in each other’s lives. But really, my advice to you is to put your attention on finding a more meaningful relationship with a new man in your state. And when you do, I promise, you won’t spend any time worrying about how little you talk to your former best friend from childhood.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Henriette

    Hmmm.   On one hand, I absolutely believe that men and women can be platonic pals.   But, I also don’t think that we as a society at large give enough support to (or education about… but I’ll save that for another post) the institution of marriage or married couples trying to “make a go of it.”     So I’d suggest that the letter writer take several steps back and honour the wife’s wishes.  
      
    Maybe the wife is indeed being unreasonable.   Or maybe there’s a back-story that the OP doesn’t know about; eg. perhaps her pal went through a few years of being unfaithful and is now trying to re-establish a close, trusting bond with his wife.   No matter the reason for the wife’s disapproval, continuing to pursue a friendship with a man whose wife resents it will not lead to joy for anyone.    
      
    Perhaps the wife will eventually “come ’round,” but most likely she will not.     One of the many, many, many sucky things about being single is that we often lose a certain level of closeness with our married pals.   But if that results in a happier union for our friends, isn’t that worth a little discomfort on our part?

  2. 22
    CaliforniaGirl

    I always had a feeling that a single woman who wants to be friends with a married man has some kind of agenda. It always feels different than a single women is friend with your man than it’s a married woman. I had a lot of guy friends when I was in my twenties, most of them are married right now and we can talk sometimes on FB but are not close anymore. I have still close guy friends who are married and their wives know me very well and I can chat with them online but almost never meet them alone or spend time with them without their spouses. Single women usually behave like they own the guy. One of my boyfriend’s female friend called him at 2 am drunk and wanted him to pick her up and take her home. Another one constantly asked him to come to her place and fix her computer. Every few days there was something wrong with her computer.
    I think if the wife doesn’t want to be friends with the OP, this friendship is not going to work.

  3. 23
    Mel

    I think what Jeremy has written makes a lot if sense. My husband and I have mutual   friends or separate opposite sex acquaintances (no emotional sharing stuff), I also have close girlfriends. Orbiters disappeared really quickly when we married. Pretty much everything Jeremy described. We have a close marriage (23 yrs) and naturally put things in place unconsciously to protect it because it is valuable to us and we see how easy it is to become weak or selfish and hurt the bond.

    I think advice that the wife should be totally trusting etc is a little unrealistic. It’s like being open minded – you don’t want to be so open minded that your brain falls out! She’s being naturally cautious, not welcoming this woman into her home too much. The other woman posting needs to check her own headspace for any hidden agenda, even if it’s only for attention she needs to be honest with herself.

    Also, Adrian said he really values the openly trusting woman, I agree it’s nice but only to a point. How do you know what the woman really wants if she goes along with almost anything And she knows the reason you liked / chose her was because she was cool with ANYTHING you did other than intercourse with another woman? Sure, it would be good to have such freedoms but can be codependent on her part – accepting almost anything so you think she’s cool and that way she secures your relationship through adapting that way. It doesn’t sound very authentic. Anyway, that’s how some couples roll but I’ll stick with my 23 yrs successful formula thanks.
      

  4. 24
    Heather

    I think you should also consider that maybe she disapproves of the relationship NOT because of the girl… But because of the husbands attitude towards the girl.   Maybe the friend doesn’t feel anything romantic, but maybe HE does and the wife sees it.   

    1. 24.1
      Andrew

      Totally agree.   She mentions that she tries to include the wife in all the conversations, but the husband tries to keep them separate “at all costs”.   

      His wife’s intuition is probably correct.  

  5. 25
    Rhea

    I just chanced upon this post and I agree with Heather and Andrew. Also, though it’s difficult to say anything without knowing the wife’s side of the story, I think her intuition is probably too strong for her to ignore it. I’ve always had an extremely strong intuition and it’s never proven wrong. I have been married for a few years and though my husband has many female friends, I don’t have an issue with any, except for one. It’s platonic but like Jeremy says, it’s the only female style friendship he has had since before we got married, so it does bother me. I don’t like him sharing a similar connect that we have with another woman. Also, my intuition says it’s probably more than what my husband also realises. I’ve also had male friends since I’ve always been a tomboy. My husband did have an issue with one from whom I’ve almost cut off from. I recently found out my husband is in touch again with his friend and it’s been bothering me no end. We’ve earlier discussed this issue and I don’t know how to bring it up again without sounding like an insecure wife, because I’m not. I don’t have any issue with any of his female friends at all

  6. 26
    Dawn

    Doesn’t this constitute an emotional affair?

  7. 27
    mery

    to wife: If a man wants to cheat, he will cheat, so no point at hating all his friends.
    to dude, aren’t you tired with a jealousy woman?
    to OP, he is your friend, which means accept every decision he makes, and that includes distancing himself from you to make his jealous wife feel better. Focus on your own life, no need to even bother thinking about this.

  8. 28
    mery

    also have to say if OP feels strong enough to write Evan an email and ask for advice, she is too attached to her “friendship”. You are both adults, respect his decision, leave him alone.

  9. 29
    Suzy Q

    Been on both sides of the fence. The single girl with coupled male friends and the married girl whose husband had female friends. The difference was in both cases, I trusted myself and I trusted my man. OPs friends wife may have had some legit reason to be jealous or she could be reading too much into it. We don’t know. But sometimes it’s just best to let it go.

    I will say that single girls do get tired of the all the unprovoked hostility from married and partnered women who think every woman in the world wants her man. 99.99999% of the time, we don’t.

  10. 30
    COREY

    Hey guys Im dealing with this very simlar event. Im the one that is married and have kids with my wife. I just reconnected with my girl best friend, which my wife at the time she was my girlfriend they had bumped head which was a rating of 1 nothing major girlfriend had me make a choice her and my sin go or my friend i just defriended her in facebook but we stop talking. I known my best friend since 1999 2000. I wanted to do things right by getting married and forget the past I cant shake this situation because my friend is dear to me. I think this maybe deeper than this situation with myself as I talk to God and my wife always said I would help other more than her. I can say my wife for 2 years girlfriend for 5 has been bumpy she is a good woman but I cant connect like how I connect with bestfriend it is stupid I know.

  11. 31
    helonwheels

    This conversation is very interesting. I am best friends with my 2nd cousin and his wife hates my guts. I am his confidant and ultimately helped him go back to his wife. He had been with other women his wife doesn’t know about but he chose her. The funny thing is that I’ve been in the family longer than his wife has so it just seems odd to me. His wife is being rude and immature. She shouldn’t be worried about a cousin she should be worried about the affairs he had while they were contemplating divorce. I don’t understand

  12. 32
    LaTrice

    I’ve known my ex-best friend since the third grade. Sadly, we’re no longer friends because he doesn’t respect me as a person.

    Before I severed ties with him, he was in a relationship with someone else. His girlfriend HATED my guts, since she saw me as competition. I haven’t said or done anything to have my presence bother her, despite keeping the peace from a distance. My ex-best friend’s disrespectful and lust behavior was more than enough for me to call the friendship quits. Honestly, I don’t regret my decision. Best of all, I made new friends.

  13. 33
    Lenora

    Evan really missed the mark on this one…let me give you my perspective as a married woman (which Evan is not)…

    1) Let’s clear something up…the OP is NOT this man’s best FEMALE friend. His wife is-mistake number one.

    A little jealousy is healthy; it’s an evolutionary protective emotion (for resources and the best genetic material) and response to the threat of mate poaching, so I disagree in that it’s a wasted emotion. Othello style MALIGNANT jealousy and envy (there’s a difference between the two by the way) are a different level suggestive of some kind of psychopathy, and are issues, however.

    Next, there is ZERO reason a single woman needs to act as an interloper or be a “good friend” to a MARRIED man without being best friends with BOTH.-ZERO. He has MALE friends to fulfill that role, and there’s really no way to argue against that. As a married woman, the single female has no place “adding friendship” to my (her)   life via my other half-that is my (his) wife’s responsibility to be his best female friend, considering that the marriage represents the joining of two souls (if we want to be religiously philosophical to make known the relationship of man and wife in the context of marriage). How do you think my husband would react if I went to a poker night at my “best male friend’s” house? Why do you think that is? Answer: My husband would wonder why I needed a “special” MALE friend for emotional needs, instead of (SINGLE) female friends who pose no threat of mate poaching or homewrecking, which I do TRULY believe is the OP’s intention. Wifey can sense this, and is doing her job to protect her marriage. The husband should be listening to his wife and disconnecting from OP, because she comes first over mother on laws, sisters, and mate poachers/female interlopers waiting for the go ahead. It would be different if she had an established relationship with both, but she does not. Relationships come and go as peoples lives change, and they go in different directions based on personal life choices, as is the case with marriage and kids. If these changes are something the married party can’t handle, then sign the divorce papers and don’t be married. If the OP can’t handle not being in contact with a MARRIED man who lives OUT OF STATE, then she needs THERAPY, and lots of it. There is something wrong with her, and it’s not the wife’s responsibility to deal with even listening to OP’s name in her home. There is nothing inappropriate about the wife’s jealousy, which Evan shamed due to a half baked perspective because he is neither a married woman, nor is he understanding from the perspective of a married woman, when the situation of OP’s friendship is contingent upon a married woman.

    Furthermore,   because the man lives out of state and OP is weighing this so heavily on her mind with the reassurance that she has no romantic attraction except a “DEEP LOVE”, she’s kidding herself and living in fantasy la la land-she’s in love with a married man and her feelings are not in sync with her moral compass. There is a DISSONANCE. Notice how she didn’t say she loved him like a BROTHER? Because she doesn’t-she loves him as a lover and is trying to deny it in order to remain friends with the hope that he will leave his wife. There is no other reason to be this upset over a married man who doesn’t even live near you. Nothing about this situation comes across as innocent.  Married men are attractive to many women, unfortunately. They have been preselected and approved for fitness and resources, and women are willing to share (become the mistress) and/or poach, in order grab a piece of the genetic fitness pie, too. The kicker is that if he’s willing to cheat or abandon the wife, he is not a good catch. Mate copying can also fail depending on different variables such as the self esteem of the woman and who she selects, because self worth and feelings of efficacy are a reflection in who she “settles” for, or chooses/selects to be with. As much as we like to believe people have the best intentions in friendships, a single woman in which the wife does not approve of and who is PURSUING a married man through TEXT, PHONE, And EMAIL, for an emotional connection, is beyond inappropriate. She says she has nothing to hide, which is a typical defense-style justification of being the other woman-she has everything to hide, and that’s her true intention of mate poaching. She’s playing the innocent bystander and and would gladly accept a romantic invitation if presented, I would bet my life on it.

    *The number one tactic of mate poaching is through friendship. That is a fact. Women use mate poaching and passive aggression towards other women because it’s less risky than physical violence to obtain resources, which is the tactic employed by men during competition.

    Evan…that was truly POOR advice (then again, you are not a married woman)!!!!OP,   Find a man in your own state who is NOT ATTACHED, and therefore capable of providing a relationship AND some (for that DEEP LOVE you need). This woman is looking in all the wrong and wildly inappropriate places. She also purposely searched and reconnected with him through social media.  For what? Just to be friends or logistically distant pen pals? I don’t think so. I’m a wife and I am not blind to the reality of the world and the true nature of people, especially other women. Don’t get involved with marriage interlopers or put your marriage and dirty laundry on display. Better yet, get rid of social media. Poachers and cheaters use it for unsavory purposes, obviously. If husband can’t let go of a meaningless female “friend”….then it’s time for a new husband.

     

     

  14. 34
    Tols

    I’m a woman. My best friend from my teenage years is now just my friend because her husband insisted she should be best friend with him and nobody else. I’m not sure I agree because I’m aware of the difference in male and female (and their relationship dynamics). The husband said it should be so from his biblical perspective but then I remember David and Jonathan who were married but best friends. More importantly, my (ex-best) friend agreed with her husband and things started getting nasty so   I let them be. It’s actually a relief. I have developed good judgement in my dating life as I don’t have to discuss the details with her and (unconsciously) project her opinions onto the men in my life, and I’ve also developed the skill of having new friends and my life has become so colorful. Bottom line, their loss, my gain.

  15. 35
    ravenshadow

    I’m in a similar predicament except that I’m in a relationship,   and my bestie and I only lost touch for about a year. Him and I have been friends for over 15 years. The two of them have been together for I’m guessing 7 or 8 years. They live 8 or so hours away and yet she’s threatened by my friendship with him. He is very important to me. I want him to be happy, and every time him and I get joking around on fb, she gets mad and then yells or just stops talking to him. I want to delete her as a friend and just have him on there, but I use to think that if you want to be friends with one, that it’s best to be friends with the other.

    My bestie and I talk about all kinds of things; naughty, deep thoughts, silly things. I feel closer to him then my bf of 3 years, because my bf doesn’t ever like to talk.. I’m at the end of my rope, something, or someone has got to give.. and I’d rather my friend ship didn’t, but I don’t want to see my bestie heart broken either..

  16. 36
    Joshua

    No, don’t leave him! Here’s the biggest lie on the planet: a woman owns her man’s dick.

    That’s why these women posters are such haters and you are getting bad advice from like minded women – don’t listen!

    She is so afraid he will have sex with you. And if he did, that’s his choice cause his penis belongs to him not her! She is enslaving him sexually – do not play this closed minded game.

    Your ur life is what you make it – do NOT  love it without your best friend.

    y best friend wife hates me, told him to stop seeing me. He had a f*king psychotic breakdown and ran away from home on a bicycle!!

    I had to pick his drunk azz up on the side of the street and take him home. I still have the texts from him about losing reality and scared and afraid and alone on the street.

    That bitch never knew what I did to help THEM – I loaned him all the money for their goddamn wedding because she wanted more than he could afford. And other things. In fact I introduced that bitch to him!

    We never told her about the money before, but when I took him home like that she got a f*king earful.

    Don’t be a bitch and don’t put up with one!

     

     

  17. 37
    Collier

    This is very simple to understand.   Ask yourself this question.   Why is that only attractive females have all of these male “friends?”   You never see an overweight, ill tempered unattractive woman with throngs of male friends.   They have female friends, but no male friends.   Hot women who are ill tempered, rude, self-centered and just plain mean have a plethora of men waiting in the wings to be “friends” with them because of the possible payoff of sex later.   Women hate to admit this fact because it reduces them to holding value only as a sex object, but that is not entirely true.   They have MORE value as a sex partner and friend, i.e., girlfriend, than as someone in whom you invest without the payoff of a whole relationship as defined by men.   The payoff of a great and whole relationship, as seen through the eyes of a male is payoff enough to compromise in terms of engaging in activities men would rather avoid, like talking about feelings and other lame shit!

    Ladies, if you think you have the perfect male “friend,” then simply offer him sex and see what happens, then repeat this with your female friends and see what happens.

     

  18. 38
    Nikk

    I like the advice given,

    Most of you sound bitter like your marriage is falling apart or maybe you lost a husband to his female best friend. Your all so judging and wonder why women of society now days do t truly care of a man is married or not. I applaud this women for seeking advice from someone because wanted to know what she should do. To the moron that says she sounds like a child “my friend this, my friend that” so you even have any friends? A man and a woman are allowed to be friends weather it’s sexually or non sexually. I have the same friendship that this woman has with her friend except I don’t mind saying it was a sexual friendship before he was married. And now that he is married and I am in a relationship it’s strictly platonic. We all as human beings have a choices in life that others may not agree to but if you have to sneak and talk to someone you’ve known for years, then why the hell are you married? Regardless of the circumstances, there is always room for communication. And for those of you who are shunning this women, get over yourself. Your not living in the Old Testament. Friends care about each other, friends love each other, friends are emotionally connected to each other that’s why it’s called a freaking friend. Not ASSOCIATE!!!

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