Why Wealthy Divorced Women Don’t Remarry And Men Do

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According to a survey of 5000 members of MillionareMatch.com, 83% of divorced men would consider marriage in the next five years, while only 32% of divorced women would do the same.

That’s a huge disparity, and while the gap is a little surprising, the findings are not.

The article on MarketWatch does a pretty good job of explaining why.  Here’s the paragraph that hit home for me:

“Why are wealthy divorced women more likely to decide to remain single? “It’s much harder for divorced males to be alone than females,” says Fran Walfish, a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, Calif. Unlike men, she says, “a woman’s ego cannot bear to tolerate a man using her for her money. She needs to know she is loved–rich or poor–flaws and all.”

Women need to learn to respect lower-earning spouses the same exact way men do – for their character, kindness, warmth, attractiveness, and support, instead of looking down on them.

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I’ve seen this up close, and think that this is a genuine obstacle for women to overcome. I’ve written a lot about gender, money, and equality, and believe that the entire point of having money is that it gives you the freedom to marry for love rather than security. This is what wealthy men do. Male millionaires (smartly) don’t seek out female millionaires because, to them, it doesn’t matter what she makes. All that matters is how she makes him feel: appreciated, accepted, adored.

Female millionaires – despite being equal to their male counterparts – have a huge block against dating a man with less money. Where men take delight in picking up dinners and vacations for their lower-earning spouses, women become resentful that their spouses can’t carry their weight. Which is pretty silly when you are a millionaire with the means to do whatever you want. Women need to learn to respect lower-earning spouses the same exact way men do – for their character, kindness, warmth, attractiveness, and support, instead of looking down on them. Until they do, they’re going to remain single, surrounded by money, surrounded by friends, but without a significant other to share the ride.

Like many women – the risk is not worth the potential reward.

My 67-year-old mom – who I recently visited with my family – has absolutely no desire to date, despite the profession of her son. She likes her friends, her card games, her home improvement projects, her grandkids, her dinner parties, her travel, etc. Of course she does. But, in a rare moment of candor, she confesses to me that she’s lonely, and I continue to wonder why she chooses solitude over partnership. To her – like many women – the risk is not worth the potential reward.

Yet to 83% of divorced millionaire men, the risk IS worth it. Which is why those men don’t stay on the market very long. So while I really don’t judge anybody’s life choices – whatever makes you happy – I do find it curious that men are so much more willing to spend their money on partners and take the risk of getting hurt.

Your thoughts below are greatly appreciated.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Brad Fuller

    A thousand comments ago, blog author Katz wrote: “Where men take delight in picking up dinners and vacations for their lower-earning spouses, women…….” STOP!!! HOLD IT!! Men take DELIGHT in picking up dinners?????? Not me. Not many guys I know “delight” in it. We are required to do it. Our dates won’t date us again. If we don’t we are cheap! Or not generous. We DON’T delight in this ancient pay-todate practice. I resent it. It’s not even a good idea to admit I don’t want to pay women’s expenses. It’s almost a taboo opinion to have.

    I am now in my 60’s, retired and divorced. During my career, I was surrounded by equal-earning women who rose to ranks far above me; or advanced at my level…or dropped out to have families, etc. All were well-paid. All got pensions. Some got pensions plus alimony when they divorced. When I divorced, I contributed to my wife’s inheritance fund even though we supposedly had a 50/50 agreement.

    When we first met in the 80’s, the prospect of equal sharing of decisions, expenses and separate saving plans in a no-children household seemed ideal to her after her ex-husband “mooched” off her. But soon after we married with an agreement we both crafted, 50/50 looked better if the formula could be re-calculated to take her lower salary/less work hours/overtime/career commitment into account. She spent all the years until the divorce opting out of 50/50 and making me feel like a s””t for living up to our agreement. Those “girl’s-night-out” became what I had to defend against when she came home after 7 girl friends told her what an idiot she was to be in a relationship where the guy didn’t pay and pay and pay.”The Rules” apply today as they did when the book first came out. She would recite the boasting of her girl friends’ anecdotal prideful “fleecing” of their boyfriends or husbands. These nights were professional training sessions on how to use sex, guilt, feminism, duplicity, etc to get guys to pay for everything and more. It’s not PC to say this – it’s the BIG white lie that most of us have to swallow because the avalanche of attacks that follow – and surely will after I post this.

    I am not saying all women are like this. But many who grew up in the 70’s, the 80’s, 90’s and into the 2000’s still live by the “guys pay” formula. If in fact, women earn 80% of what a man earns in professional careers (which I doubt) – then why not pay 40% of the time or the share? Those of us who supported “equality” by sometimes waiting an extra turn at getting promoted so “gender equality” could be implemented believed in it all. I wanted women co-workers. I wanted them to make as much money as I did so my then meager salary could go further when we dated. I had visions of a car both of us could afford; a bigger house; more vacations. Women were going to be free to break away from stereotype domestic servitude! We would hire a housekeeper. We would hire a gardener, a handyman. What’s not to like in “equality”?

    We both didn’t want children and I frankly have no idea how this model would work for a couple who wanted children – but I championed 50/50 from term paper in college to……today. It is a myth. Many of my fellow female co-workers did not manage their money and are still looking for a man to take care of them. Others divorced and got huge alimony payments and don’t want a new guy to screw that up. And the female “superstars” who were brilliant and lived up to the ideals of “workplace equality” have no interest in dating mere normal guys. Even if they date and marry an even richer guy, many dictate that they will be living on his assets and her’s are for safekeeping.
    When all logical arguments fail to impress, often the default response from even the most accomplished or rich female is “…but I’m the girl” (a fifty year throwback to what the whole feminist equality revolution was about).

    Women like the double standard – as long as it is in their favor. Man – probably more than women – are more responsible for the fact that guys are still expected to pay 50 years later. Guys figure that paying gets them laid.

    My searches on Match are different from most who have posted. I’m not looking for a mother for my children or sex companion or someone I can compete with in the corporate world. I am looking for an equally “financially-independent” woman around my age who wants to build a new life using BOTH our resources for a final chapter of a great life. When I search “financially-independent” on Match, I get hundreds of women looking for a guy to take care of them financially.

    ……this is what I rallied for; marched for and championed?????
    Welcome to the worst deal that men could have engineered for themselves.

    1. 61.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Brad, while many men may loathe picking up the tab, there ARE men who delight in picking it up. I know, because my boyfriend is one of them.

      I offer many times to pay the tab (I’m not doing a “fake reach”, I am really prepared to pay) and he very rarely let’s me. About the only time I get to treat him to anything is when I win Visa gift cards at work, or movie passes, we’ll use those.

      In fact, when we were coming home from our first trip, where he wouldn’t let me so much as treat him to a coffee (he said since he got the hotel for extremely cheap for cashing in some sort of frequent traveler points it wasn’t necessary) I offered to pay for the gas on the way home. I told him something to the effect “You know, I have a job and a bank account, I can at least fill up the tank”.

      He just told me that I was very “sweet”, and that it was nice to know that I’m willing to contribute because down the road, it would mean that we could do MORE things together (like take bigger trips) since I’m willing to pitch in. Then he cupped my face in his hands, gave me a kiss and said “But right now I’m wooing my baby, so let me”.

      Last time when he took my car in to have the oil changed (he’s retired and I still work, so he does things like that for me) he brought my car back to where I work around lunch time, so I said we should go to lunch, my treat. He just smiled and chuckled, gave me a hug and said “My baby, always trying to pay, WHY does she do that ?” He wouldn’t let me pay for lunch. (Of course I paid for the oil change)

      So I tread lightly in this area, not because I am trying to fleece him, or take advantage, but he obviously prefers to pay. He really DOES delight in it. My contributions have been about $400 in the form of Visa Gift cards & movie passes awarded to me at work, and meals that I cook for him at my house, or baking brownies for him. The other day he “let” me treat him to a frozen yogurt (which I was glad to do).

      So Brad, some men DO delight to pay for their lady, I know because I am lucky enough to be in a relationship with a guy like that. Maybe it’s a generational thing, he is 67 (I am 59) . And NO, his generosity is NOT the only reason I am with him. I am with him because he is fun to be with, kind, thoughtful, supportive (in non monetary ways) affectionate, accepts me flaws and all, and is very sexy. I feel cherished and adored with him. It took us both a long time to find each other, but it was well worth the wait !

    2. 61.2
      Miranda

      Brad, thank you for being honest. You’ve validated what I always knew. Men don’t delight in taking care of women financially. Men need sex , women don’t . Men are unable to build emotionally satisfying relationships with other men unless that’s their sexual orientation; women do. Women cheat because they can, not because they have to. Men pay for sex , women don’t usually pay a man to sex her. I think MGTOW is a laudable idea; women should too. Let’s see who fares better, lol

  2. 62
    IB

    “Unlike men, she says, “a woman’s ego cannot bear to tolerate a man using her for her money. She needs to know she is loved–rich or poor–flaws and all.”

    The author here took the above quote and got it completely backwards . . . it’s wealthy men who will marry a (younger, attractive) woman KNOWING that she doesn’t really love him, but that she just wants the security of his financial status; it is wealthy woman who truly will marry for love and only for love and looks for men to love them, but who will NOT tolerate a man using her for her financial status.

  3. 63
    Miranda

    Almost every man I know values a high earning woman for a wife. The cliche is just as the elusive faithful alpha male, submissive high earning women are rare. Men love them cause for one they can truly believe that they are loved for themselves and not because their provisional ability. All men will clamor for the successful woman if only she would give over control of her earnings to him to use as he sees fit. Also women who work outside the home are more likely to cheat. Men do not enjoy giving women money. It’s really as a last resort plus it works better that way. And why is it that most stay at home moms feel controlled? Because their husbands resent having to provide financially for a grown woman .Look at any rich entrepreneur, which of them married the hot waitress with no education? Even when they stopped working When they met their husbands they had some form of a career. My point is both men & women are gold diggers then, because at the end of the day we all aim for the best we can get from the opposite sex. At least when women do it, it makes more sense since we will be saddled with most of the unpaid household labor & child rearing. We all aim for the best but a lot don’t get what they want and start throwing out labels. Some people are “good people” only because they know this is the best they could do. Let’s all see life for what it truly is.

  4. 64
    Gail

    Evan I think you missed something very important that is in the air when a richer woman dates a man who earns substantially less..It is not just the woman who must adjust her attitude but also the man. My experience is society standards are that it is ok for men to date women who earn less and it is thought of as protecting that woman..In the reverse a fair number of men find the realities of this disparity emasulating because they cannot be in the roll of provider. Further some men will act controlling in order to try to right the imbalance.

  5. 65
    Anna

    Hello…

    I have just ended a 3 year relationship with a man I really really loved. I have a lot of money he doesn’t.   I didn’t care at all that he had so little in comparison to me.

    I supported him in every way I could. He was in a dead end job so I paid for retraining to help him get something better, which he did. I allowed him access to my money, I bought him lots of cool things….holidays etc

    He repaid me by stealing money, lieing and cheating on me. His emails were forwarded to my account where I discovered he was in another relationship for a year, telling her how much he loved her and how crazy and unstable I was.

    Here’s the problem when a women has more money than a guy, the guy can becomes resentful, may feel ashamed.   It isn’t the same for a women with a rich guy. Society doesn’t condemn a poorer women.

    Either way. I now feel that if the difference is too great, the guy isn’t comfortable when the women is rich. I certainly will be very careful if I ever have another relationship.

    I know what happened to me isn’t just about money. This man had no scruples and took me for everything he possible could.

    So in short. The dynamics are different when women have more money. Men have ego issues around money and about women paying for things.

    Anna

  6. 66
    Kevin

    I can agree with this article, for the most part.   But there are also many wealthy men AND women that don’t marry at all.   Correct me if I am wrong, but some wealthy singles can “spoil” their family members and friends, rather than being in a relationship.

  7. 67
    Ctabron

    I am not a wealthy woman but I am comfortable, and married I have told my husband that if something happened to us I will remain single. Not because I am afraid to be hurt but because I am tired of catering to some one every need and setting myself aside, living the way someone else expect. As women we feel obligated to take care of everything and everyone. I think I will just be slfish for a while

  8. 68
    June

    I think we gain a lot in a marriage if we just plan better.   I am married for 15 years, and I think it gets better every year.   The first couple of years he supported me to get my law degree. After I became an attorney I supported him to start his own business so that when we have children together we can afford helpers and avoid all the problems people talk about. Now we have 2 children and we support each other and fall in love all over again every morning because we know dreams do come true.   I think communication, planning, and most of all, love, will make the feeling of “sacrifice” disappear in a marriage.

  9. 69
    Melvis

    I know I am late to this party….but after being an outside “observer” of a marriage with unequal earners & the traditional husband works wife raises family its obvious that most males are growing resentful that these traditional women have got smart after decades of being left for younger females & with children in poverty. Men need to move past their hatred for the newer stronger wealthier older woman who can not be bullied into staying in unhealthy relationships by using $$ signs. And thank god for that!! Go ahead…date those much younger 30 or 40 somethings who will get knocked up by their pool boys & claim its yours. Enjoy all that drama they bring…the older wiser weathy woman is traveling Europe with her best friends and having a drama free life!! Signed Got Smart by Watching Elders

  10. 70
    Sanjeev

    I feel reading the comments here will make us judgemental or biased, and hinder development of relationships and marriage.
    What I believe is that all/most living beings are here to exist and make their bloodline exist. If a person dies before having an offspring, his/her genes cease to exist, and I think that being can be considered a failure.
    In present world as we have formed a society and depend on each other for survival, as there are laws and police, and as there is govt. and jobs, we have to live accordingly for our survival and for the survival of our genes.

  11. 71
    Ray Edwards

    I am a young looking 78 and  I lost my wife a year ago.

    I check out the web because I am lonely but having looked through the previous comments, I cannot believe the rubbish that people are commenting on.

    All I am looking for   is good companionship with a (bearing in mind the age) good looking woman

  12. 72
    Publius

    There are a few things that are quite obvious throughout the comments. One is that both men and women are so poised to be adversarial with one another that  very few are  really conceding that the other has valid points. Another is that gender roles are neither societally  equal nor have evolved equally. And finally, a stubborn insistence on disbelieving that which doesn’t not fit our pre-conceptions. I’m sure there is more, but I became brain numb to the effects of this verbal  ‘gender war’ taking place.

    Men, traditionally, go to work and provide for their families. This is not some inherent tool of the patriarchy to make women feel inferior, but rather to provide a man some semblance of worth and value to his wife, children, society and community. Just look at how often the word ‘deadbeat’ is used above by women. Even if his higher earning woman doesn’t feel that way, you can be guaranteed that the  her  message is drowned out by the message of all others around him. He, himself, feels inferior because if he cannot take care of her, what value does he have and what worth is he to her that she will not find a more suitable mate than him?

    This construct is placed on  him by both men and women. That women have those options today is not at all  a bad thing. But as the role of women has changed and evolved, men’s has not. The same messages are sent to males of all ages that have been sent for nearly three generations, and on some points, much, much longer. Men can be angry, calm or happy, but never ’emotional’. They must be strong, resilient and powerful, but yield power to women at every turn lest he be labeled a misogynist. He can no longer admire beauty, comment on an attractive outfit, pursue a woman aggressively, seduce her without being labeled a sexist, chauvinistic, stalking rapist. Or worse, brought up on legal charges that can ruin his life. The message is clear, be strong, be manly, de decisive and out to win, but  just don’t! Because that is all patriarchal, evil and bad.

    In most divorce  courts in the US, men do lose worse than women on the financial side, no matter how much agenda driven authors or anecdotal evidence tries to prove otherwise. The fact is that laws are not always equal and are still geared toward the working man / non-working housewife model of fifty years ago.

    I could go on for ages on this, but my point is this: The role of women has universally  changed  and evolved in the US. the role of men has not. Men are stuck trying to adapt to these changes, and the adaptation is unique in every relationship. Be one thing at work and another at home. Be this way with woman A and another way with woman B. Make more money, be okay making less. Be strong, be emotional. Be aggressive and pursue, don’t be a stalker. Be decisive, don’t be a patriarchal SOB. It’s a never ending minefield of confusion and messaging that ‘man’ = ‘bad’. Even in advertising and TV shows men are stupid. And if the woman is stupid, she’s still smarter than the man.

    I doubt anyone will actually care about what I’ve just said. All I ask is that you open your minds to this view and understand that most men are doing the best that they can. And yes, there are a-holes out there! I get that!

     

  13. 73
    Kicker

    I’m stupid as fuck and I think it’s okay to do what ever you want.

  14. 74
    Angie

    Just happened to drop in for the first time.   Call me naive but I see a lot of argument but not much consideration.   It is simple.    No one wants to be loved for money or what they have but who they really are.    Surface love is only that.   When the money, house,  car, glitter is gone what do you have, each other and if you don’t love each other for who that person is then what?    It’s like putting a bandage on a cut.   The cut is still there, the bandage just hides it.   Relationships aren’t suppose to be easy.    You aren’t in the relationship for yourself but for that other person.   True you gain from the other person but if you always seek for yourself then that is selfishness.   First question you should ask is what are you looking for in a “life” long partner?    And it is just that, “life” long.   If you enter into a relationship not believing that, not willing to work & fight for that then it is no different than the money, car, house, glitter.   You again only have a disposable relationship.      True,  men want to be admired, held in high esteem but women want to be loved.   You give the other person what they need love-admiration, etc and concentrate on giving then you will receive.   The other person will give without being asked or feeling like-forced to.      If you want to trust someone you have to be trustworthy.    I myself, don’t want anyone who is dating more than me…if he feels he isn’t getting or seeing what he likes in me then I am not the one for him.   Same in return.   If I feel he isn’t right for me then I am not going to waste his time or mislead him.   Besides love I want to be respected, trusted and held in esteem also.   How can I expect someone to give me that if I can’t give him that.    That means one on one relationship, getting to know that one person and determining if I  can spend my  life with them; through hard times and good.   To respect, love, trust, admire, depend and be yourself with them-and them with you.

  15. 75
    Jim

    Well since many of the women today have their Careers and are very successful which many of them are very greedy and selfish as it is which certainly would explain it since they only would want the best and will never at all settle for less.   Most of them would not be marriage material at all to begin with because of the way they are.

  16. 76
    Time4living

    So what i got out of this article is wealthy women are greedy more so then men when it comes to money and hold there carrier to be more important than relstionship. The interesting thing i am finding is the battle in replies between women and men. Today’s society in America constantly pits one gender against another. Equality between men and women when the make up of emotions and biological make up is so different seems strange to believe a man to be equal to a women or vise versa.   So being equal then does not come to emotions, biological features but $$$$$.   I would like to see a study that shows how many men stay at home taking care of possible children. Where the women makes money   to dish out to children and husband to spend and man feels he is doing his part in life.

    Seems to me society wants to re-write the nature of women and man for the sake of equality in $$$$$. I do not know of any other species on earth that does this. Although it makes me laugh to think of the many different animals insects and fish complaing about equality.   Look at birds for instance males generally speaking are more colorful. Can you imagine the arguments and plastic surgery needed for equality. LoL

    I do not mean to offend anybody here. Nor do I want to offend writter if article.

    Todays relationship issues is due to snowball effect.   Small incremental changes through 150 years time. Which gas been the cycle for thousands of years in societies.

    Do men give up things when entering a relationship. Yes as does a women in different ways and both genders will feel the things they give up are very important. Not wanting to give up things when entering a relationship i would suggest is the problem. Not wanting to grow and communicate is a problem. Grass is greener syndrome is a problem. The common idea that having multiple sex partners before meeting the right one as being a good thing is a problem.

    Today’s society is to far past the idea of family, unity, honesty, trust, communication. Referring to majority not minority.   After writing this i automatically assume i will be mocked, critiqued or criticized for my comments.   Strange life we live these days not excepting who we are and desperately trying to change to be like others. Weather to be like another gender of to fashion body or finances to be like someone else.

    I find it sad that one of the main reasons for devorce is money. From my point of view that is so petty.   We have all these books to read and still some women and some men do not understand one another and still plenty will put one gender to blame as if all females/males are not individuals. Labeling, judging to uplift self and belittle another has not shown me any possitive results yet. Refusing to grow, learn or change doesn’t seem to a have good outcome.

    I would challenge anybody here to stay away from tv, radio, internet, and also cell phones for 1 month even 3 months and see how much different you will see things.   To many are choosing sides as if one side is more important than another.

    Amazed that we are suppose to be by all accounts superior to past generations but in reality nothing has changed. We today are only advanced in materialism that is all. Imo

  17. 77
    jamdango

    I’ve got one question.   Why do we all insist on a contract. I’m trying to understand how one believes in marriage   ( be it religious or society ) and agrees with divorce. Why bring lawyers and the courts in to it.   As a self-education and self-made man, who lost better than half off my net worth in a 25 year marriage, to a women who decided some 15 years ago she would be a SAHM .   Did I agree?   No. Did I let her? What choice to you have when your spouse   ( be it male or female )   decides one day to walk off there job for what ever reason? When married,   you can try to reason with them . Short of that your left with the situation of trying to hold your family together.   So you go along with it. Just till the kids get in school. ( bet you never heard that before). Being a man of my word , when I   commit to something I’m committed. Fast foward some 10 years later. She’s has become   real comfortable ,and I mean “Real Comfortable “, with her new found position.   Know it’s time to own up to your word, right ? Wrong. Now she finds herself in a “win win” situation.

    Being married is a contract unlike any other.   Say you went it business with someone and one partner decides I’m only going to be a stay at home partner.   While your the only one keeping the business going. They decide to desolve the partnership.   So now you go court to fight over the business .   They are   going   to consider what you both put into business to make the decision.   Unlike marriage there is no predetermined 50/50 consideration,   nor is there any thought on an alimony type pay plan so the lessor partner can make the same salary as the other partner. Bottom line, nothing last forever and you don’t want to find yourself being successful and in the middle of a “lose lose” situation. That being said;

    WANTED, a long term relationship . applicants must   be willing for a possible long term relationship without much chance of marriage.   Marriage   will be considered if applicant has more to lose than does myself. lol

  18. 78
    Paula

    Stupid question. Simple: men PAY for sex, women don’t.

    You forgot the detail that these wealthy men willing to support women pick women completely out of their league.

    These marriages are a form of prostitution for some women. Somehow it is accepted by a bunch if hypocrites who look down on crack whores. They are doing the same.

    The stupidity of humans never ceases to amaze me.

     

  19. 79
    k10

    I’m married, but if I’m ever single again, I would prefer not to remarry another man.

  20. 80
    Bronze

    What I love about having my own money and supporting myself is the ability to walk away from a man if I need to.   Having been forced into the traditional marriage paradigm and being very aware of the power imbalance and the way it was used by my ex to DO NOTHING towards the emotional health and connection or child rearing in the relationship due to his misplaced belief that I wouldn’t leave, as I had no income etc., I will never put myself in that position again.   Having dated a very very rich man and him also trying to use his money as a means of control and his disbelief when I walked away from him telling me how to dress and how to act despite me earning far less than him, shows me that when most people feel they have power, they always use it and power corrupts.   Having said this, my mother is the same with money etc and also when I was a child used her power over me as a means of control.   I won’t have it. I want equal relationships where my voice is as important, where my time is as important and my feelings and needs matter.   I would never ever use a position of power over someone as a means to try and control them or hurt them.   I would rather live in a tent, then ever let any man use power over me and treat me without respect.   I am just as important in a relationship no matter how much I earn. Now I am in a position where I can support myself, I will never stay anywhere I am not treated well no matter how much money he has. Full Stop. It just isn’t worth it.   I am on earth to have genuine, loving and authentic relationships and I doubt very much after my life experiences that it will happen with a wealthy man. They also seem more superficial, egotistical and boring to me – and usually on coke, lol…..

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